orgasm

Can We Please Stop Inviting Freud Into Our Bedrooms?

Kate Sloan

There’s a debate in the sexual sphere that has raged for centuries, and that debate is: Are vaginal orgasms superior to clitoral orgasms? And further: Is everyone with a vagina capable of having vaginal orgasms, or are some of us “doomed” to only have clitoral orgasms – if that – as long as we live?

I find this debate annoying as hell, for three reasons:

  1. It shames a huge amount of people for the way they get off (or don’t get off), which we definitely don’t need more of.
  2. It implies that vulva-bearing bodies are something to be argued about and commentated on by others, when instead we could just listen to those people about how their own bodies work, since they’re the ones who would know.
  3. It’s largely the result of some theories Freud put forth in his day, and he was extremely wrong about a lot of stuff, not to mention frequently misogynist AF.

 

While I won’t deny that Freud was an important and influential figure in the psychology field, and that some of his ideas had merit, his thoughts on vaginal versus clitoral orgasms were utterly unhinged, and unsupported by any legitimate science I’m aware of. He wrote that part of a healthy transition to adulthood for (cis) women was unlearning the “phallic” desire for clitoral orgasms and instead starting to derive all their sexual pleasure from penetration. He believed that if someone remained “fixated” on having clitoral orgasms, it meant that they were repressed and “infantile.”

I suppose at the time, it would’ve been surprising for a stately male doctor to talk about female sexual pleasure at all – and certainly, his theories laid the groundwork for research that was done later on the G-spot and other sites of vaginal pleasure, hence the worldwide proliferation of A-spot dildos and G-spot vibrators, which I am definitely a fan of. (Freud was multilingual, and one wonders what he would’ve thought of these G-punkt-vibratoren and vibratori punto G if he’d been around to see them.)

Many theorists have also argued that the G-spot is part of the clitoris – its internal portion, which is much larger than what we see on the outside of the body – and that’s an interesting point that raises a lot of questions about how pleasure and orgasm function. But by and large, I think Freud really fucked us over with his thoughts on sexuality, especially those focused on the clitoris and vagina, and we’re still seeing the effects of that today.

See, anatomically speaking, the clitoris is analogous to the penis. This means that expecting someone to experience pleasure – let alone orgasm – from sex where their clit is completely ignored is every bit as unreasonable as expecting a person to get off without having their dick touched at all. It certainly happens, but only for a minority of people, plenty of whom still find it easier to come when, y’know, their main sexual pleasure organ is being stimulated.

Freud’s narrative of women “aging out of” clitoral orgasms and somehow magically starting to have vaginal orgasms instead is hyperfocused on heterosexual, penis-in-vagina sex. He confabulated upon and romanticized his notion of what penetrative sex “should” be like – i.e. effortlessly, mutually pleasurable for both participants all on its own – instead of listening to people about what that type of sex actually felt like for them. And his views have persevered into a whole new millennium, with mainstream publications and doctors alike still debating clitoral orgasms as if there’s anything less real, less legitimate or less good about them.

 

I’d love if we could fully shift, as a culture, toward viewing the G-spot and other vaginal erogenous zones as being more akin to the prostate than the penis – since, anatomically and pleasure-wise, they are. Many people love prostate stimulation but still need some dick contact if orgasm’s gonna happen, and this is understood to be normal and expected. The same should be true for folks who require clit stimulation in order to get off, which is entirely normal (I’ve seen various studies estimate this is the case for around 70-90% of people with vulvas).

Of course, the main reason this fact hasn’t gained more traction in the dominant culture is that it forces cis men to contend with the fact that their dick alone isn’t a fantastical orgasm-administering magic wand. It requires them to give pleasure intentionally and effortfully, instead of just assuming it’ll happen as a byproduct of seeking their own direct pleasure through intercourse. A lot of people with vaginas have also absorbed this messaging, such that they may feel “broken” or “high-maintenance” for having entirely normal sexual anatomy and sexual desires. Imagine a cis guy guiltily asking his girlfriend, “Hey, I know we don’t really do this, but would you maybe wanna touch my dick sometime? I think it would feel good for me.” This, sadly, is an exact parallel of the situation many sexually active people with vaginas are in.

 

But we don’t have to keep perpetuating this paradigm that tells us our bodies are faulty and our desire for pleasure is annoying or immature. We can decide to look at sex in a new way, one that’s actually supported by science and the anecdotal observations of millions of people around the world. We can kick Freud out of our beds, shouting this message back through the centuries: Our pleasure matters, our pleasure is real, and we can and will pursue our pleasure on our own terms.

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 3 Fave Encounters

Kate Sloan

This has been a more difficult year than usual for me to keep track of memorable sexual experiences in my mind. Not because I didn’t have any good or great sex this year – I had a lot! – but because normally I have some situational or locational markers to help me remember specific instances better. In 2020, there was no “that time we did watersports after a night out at a cocktail bar” or “that time we used a new toy we’d just picked up at the local sex shop” or “that time we fucked immediately upon finally arriving at our hotel after a cross-country flight.” There was, however, a lot of “that time we had sex in bed after hanging out in bed all day.” 😂

As a result of these circumstances + the way my brain organizes sexual experiences, I don’t remember the exact dates of every stellar rendezvous I had this year, despite (still) keeping a sex spreadsheet. But I remember the feelings, and the vibes (so to speak), and the highlights – which is sort of how I feel about 2020, too. So today I’ll tell you about some of the best encounters I do remember.

I’ve also thrown in a little write-up from Matt about each of these, like I did last year, because it’s fun to hear both perspectives sometimes. Enjoy!

 

Non-reciprocal (but surprisingly reciprocal) oral

My very first sexual partner, back in 2008–2009, could have orgasms from going down on me. You can see how this experience might lead a person to be disappointed by subsequent relationships where that didn’t happen!

Of course, I know how uncommon and unrealistic this is for most people. It makes for a great fantasy – that someone could find your pleasure and your genitals soooo hot that it could make them come, basically untouched – but it just isn’t how most people’s bodies work. And yet, somehow, a decade after that first sexual relationship, I found myself dating (and eventually married to) someone who happened to have the same talent.

Some of my most satisfying sexual experiences this year were times when my love went down on me – slow, gradually escalating, dedicated, and reverent – and brought me to an orgasm so intense that it made them come against the bedsheets in the same moment. Sometimes this happened while they were in chastity, which makes sense, what with their sensitivity being amped up and orgasm threshold lowered – but sometimes it was just sorta random.

I am very lucky to have a sweetheart who loves giving oral sex that much. It feels powerful to me every time, and affirms that I am actually hot, even at times when I severely doubt that to be true. Some people chase and fetishize the elusive simultaneous orgasm during PIV – but I prefer a simultaneous orgasm during oral, tbh!

Matt says: I’ve always been a little embarrassed with past partners when I’ve come from going down on them, because of what culture tells us about “premature” ejaculation. The fact is that eating pussy is one of my all-time favorite sex acts, so of course it turns me on. And sometimes tasting someone come in my mouth is enough to push me over the edge. The first time this happened with you, I was shy to admit it at first, but when you reacted with a loving giggle and a beaming smile, I knew you were into it. This is also the most frequent way I experience simultaneous orgasms, with my orgasm almost always beginning just as you start to come and peaking as I work hard to maintain the rhythm of my tongue on your clit and ride out the waves of pleasure. It’s definitely worth the cleanup. 

 

Slapping their cock to orgasm (content note: inflicting pain on a penis)

One of the kinks Matt and I explored more this year was CBT (that’s cock and ball torture, not cognitive-behavioral therapy!). While many people with dicks are scared to death of any pain or injury befalling that area (and reasonably so), personally I think it’s nice to mix a little pain in with my pleasure – and fortunately, my spouse agrees.

We had experimented with occasional cock-slaps here and there, but one night in June after they’d already made me come with my Bandit and Eroscillator, we got into some dick-slapping that was much more purposeful and concentrated. After a few minutes of teasing slaps, I realized that it seemed like they could come from the hits I was raining down on their dick. (One of the benefits of being in a long-term sexual relationship can be developing the ability to sense such things.) I kept up my rhythm, the slaps becoming gradually more firm and fast, until eventually, they came hard, whining and whimpering.

Though I’m not much of a natural domme, there is something thrillingly powerful about being able to give someone a totally new-to-them type of orgasm. I’ve subsequently improved my CBT skillz and can now make them come with slaps pretty easily and consistently. Cool!

Matt says: I don’t remember exactly how we started doing CBT together. But I definitely remember the first time I came from it. I was in a subby, trancey headspace and every one of your slaps was making my cock harder. I felt myself beginning to leak precum against your hand and craving release. I didn’t know it was possible for me to come from slapping alone, but I felt myself getting closer as your hits became more rhythmic and focused on my frenulum. I asked for permission to come, and had one of the most intense orgasms of the entire year. It’s amazing to learn a new way to come, and we’ve had a lot of fun playing with it since.

 

Wedding night sex

Of course, there are traditionally a lot of expectations heaped onto the night of one’s wedding, sexually speaking – and though we wanted to make it special, we also knew it was just one night of many, many, many nights we’ll spend together as a married couple, so there was no need to put undue pressure on ourselves.

After our post-wedding dinner with a few friends, we checked into the Conrad Hotel for the night, where they had set up champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries in our suite (aww). After some kissing, cuddling, and decompressing, Matt fucked me with the Njoy Eleven – the dildo that indirectly led to us meeting in 2017, because they mentioned on Twitter that they liked my review of it – while I used the Eroscillator on myself. (I remember the way their brand-new wedding ring clinked against the metal of the Eleven…) Then we had good ol’ PIV. Classic.

It surprised me to notice that despite wedding night sex being considered “special,” an anomaly, in real life it actually felt pretty similar to great sex we might have on an average day, save for the location (and the fact that we had to peel off our formalwear beforehand!). I reject the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex (for myself, anyway – you do you), because it prevents you from assessing your sexual compatibility with the person you plan on tethering your life to – and the flipside of that coin is that I already knew I love fucking Matt, and that I could be happy doing so for the rest of my life. That night just confirmed it.

Matt says: Romantic! We were a little drunk and a lot exhausted, but we weren’t going to waste a beautiful hotel room and our wedding night by going to bed early. After some champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, I fumbled around trying to figure out the complicated lighting system and went down on you in the dark for what felt like the perfect amount of time. I knew I wanted you to come on the Eleven, like we discussed. And I knew I wanted to come inside you. So that’s exactly what happened. It couldn’t have been more perfect. And then we fucked once more in the morning, for good measure.

 

Hope it was a wonderful year in your sex life, too (if that’s what you want/enjoy)!

3 Common Masturbation Problems (& How to Fix Them)

Kate Sloan

Sexual problems, while common, are too often cloaked in shame. Most people would rather visit website after website looking for answers to their burning sex questions than ask their doctor, or a friend, or a partner. I think that’s the main reason there are so many recurrent issues in the sexuality field that “sexperts” address over and over – the culture of shame and silence around sexuality leads people to believe they’re alone in their problems, and they’re a freak for struggling with sex or masturbation. It’s sad!

You are not broken or weird or a lost cause if you have sexual struggles. That’s a huge part of what I’ve sought to communicate on this website for all these years. To that end, here are 3 problems many people have with masturbation, and my suggestions for how to solve them. Good luck!

 

“I can’t orgasm!”

This seems to be a more common problem for folks with vulvas, although it can happen to anyone. Anorgasmia is the “persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation,” and it can be the result of a medical issue, a medication side effect (common with antidepressants, for example), or – perhaps most commonly – a psychological block of some kind. So my first recommendation would be that you ask your doctor about the problem so they can run some tests and look into it, and also that you research any medications you might be on to see whether this is a side effect you can expect from them. If so, you’ll need to weigh the pros and cons of being on that medication – I couldn’t deal with orgasm-quashing antidepressants, but I didn’t need them so badly that my life would be in danger without them, so YMMV!

Beyond that: especially if you’ve never orgasmed before, I think it’ll just take you some time and practice to figure out how to get there both physically and mentally. Physically, try a vibrator (a good one – it should have rumbly vibrations and a wide variety of speeds/modes to experiment with) or other sex toys that appeal to you. Explore body parts not commonly associated with orgasm, like the nipples, anus, or A-spot, when you’re already at a high level of arousal, because there’s a chance a non-standard form of stimulation may float your boat more than the usual go-to’s.

Mentally, keep reminding yourself that pleasure is about the journey, not the destination. Focus your masturbation sessions on making yourself feel as good as possible for as long as possible – not necessarily on orgasm. Cultivate a fantasy life, whether through watching porn, reading erotica, sexting with someone who turns you on, or just conjuring explicit thoughts from your own brain – some people just need more mental stimulation than others, and that’s okay! Be aware that you quite possibly may have already orgasmed without knowing it at some point. Read about the experiences of other anorgasmic people. Develop language for communicating to partners that a lack of orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of pleasure. Don’t give up hope, but also don’t put too much pressure on yourself – either you’ll get there one day or you won’t, and either way, your body is magical and beautiful and can experience good sensations.

 

“I can’t feel my genitals!”

I hear about this most often from cis male masturbators dealing with what’s called “death grip syndrome” – a state of desensitization resulting from the habitual friction of overzealous masturbation – but it can also be the product of strong vibrators, or of medical problems or medication issues as discussed above – so see your doctor if you can’t think of a behavior-based reason this might be happening to you. In most (non-medical) cases, your desensitization will go away after a few days of abstinence from whatever activities originally caused it.

If you want to reduce desensitization factors and amp up your sensitivity going forward, here are a bunch of suggestions: Use a good lube (no matter what kind of genitals you have) and reapply as needed. Use a looser grip on your penis, or switch to a stroker, Fleshlight, etc. so the tightness will be automatically lessened compared to your hand. Use a weaker vibrator, or a lower setting on the one you own, or put a layer or two of fabric between you and the toy, or press it less hard against your body. Try a sensitizing cream or oil containing ingredients like peppermint or cinnamon. Try a penis pump or clit pump before masturbation to (gently) encourage blood flow to the area for more engorgement and heightened sensitivity. Shave or trim your pubic hair to reduce friction and make your sensitive skin more accessible to stimulation. Spend longer on “foreplay” before ever touching your genitals.

 

“Sex doesn’t feel as good as masturbation!”

Most commonly, I hear this from folks with vulvas who masturbate clitorally and are then surprised and disappointed when penetrative sex doesn’t feel as good. Maybe you know this already, but here’s a reminder: the majority of vulva-possessing people need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, since that organ is as central to our sexual response as the penis is to people who have one (the two parts are analogous, meaning they form from the same embryonic tissue). So if your partnered sex contains little to no clit stimulation, that’s the first thing you should fix. Ask your partner to spend more time on oral sex, fingering, or whatever makes you feel good; show them how you like to masturbate, so they can try to replicate it; add clit stim to any penetrative sex you may be having, with your fingers, your partner’s fingers, or a vibrator.

If that’s not your issue but sex still isn’t as good as when you’re by yourself, consider the factors that you think are causing that, and address them. Does your partner not know how to touch you the way you like? If so, show them, and gently help them practice until they figure it out. Do you feel anxiety or stress around your partner that isn’t there when you’re alone? If so, interrogate that, perhaps with your partner, and figure out how to reduce it. (Weed and a blindfold are helpful for me, for example. Sometimes I ask my partner to wear a blindfold so I don’t have to worry about how I look.) Is your partnered sex missing an element of fantasy/mental titillation that you routinely give yourself when you’re alone? If so, watch your favorite porn or read your favorite erotica with your partner, or talk dirty to them about your favorite fantasy, or tell them what you’d like them to dirty-talk about. Basically, examine the conditions that make your solo sex so great, and plan some ways of bringing those elements into the bedroom with your partner!

 

What solutions have you found for these common masturbation problems?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Quarantine Challenge: Try a New Sex Thing

Kate Sloan

If you – like so many of us – have effectively locked yourself into your own home because of the current global pandemic situation, I commend you. Social distancing is a smart and life-saving measure, difficult though it may be.

Articles abound on the internet right now about things to do while in quarantine, whether said quarantine is self-imposed or imposed by health officials or even your country’s government. I think that’s great – people are obviously very anxious right now, and being given explicit instructions or suggestions for what to do is (for me at least) often helpful when you’re distraught.

Since this is ostensibly a sex blog, I have some suggestions for things you could try if you find yourself cooped up at home, either with a partner or just by yourself. (Or, I mean, if you have a roommate who you think is both hot and chill, maybe they’d want to join in?!) Try these if you’re feeling bored, horny, ‘n’ exploratory…

Have lots of orgasms! Studies show orgasms reduce stress and boost your immunity, two effects we both sorely need right now. If it helps to think of this process as purely medicinal rather than erotic, then do that – I understand this isn’t exactly the most arousing time in history! I find big, strong vibrators are my best companion when I just want to crank out a climax. If you choose to order a new sex toy in these trying times, I strongly suggest you look into buying from your local indie sex shop if you have one – their income, like that of many small businesses right now, has probably taken a nosedive.

Work up to something big. While your housemates are cleaning out their closets or drafting the next Great American Novel, maybe you could work on your own magnum opus: your hungry holes! You could use toys or your hand to explore gentle stretching sensations the likes of which you’d feel if you were getting fisted, for example. If you’ve ever wanted to get into butt stuff but been too nervous or too tight, good news – you’ve probably got lots of time to spare now. So pull out those anal sex toys (ones with a flared base only, please), slather ’em in lube, and sloooowly acclimatize yourself to the sensation. (Remember, though: scientists say one of the coronavirus transmission routes is fecal-oral, so please, for the love of god, wash your hands when you’re done… which you should’ve been doing anyway.)

Fuck on drugs. I don’t know if you’re lucky enough to live (as I do) in a place where marijuana is legal and easily obtainable, for example, but if you happen to have a decent stockpile of your intoxicant of choice, maybe now’s the time to bust some out for sexy purposes. After all, you can’t exactly have a 6-hour edible-fuelled fuck-fest on a Tuesday under normal circumstances – but these aren’t normal circumstances. (That said, I would caution you to avoid drugs that you suspect will make you feel anxious and paranoid, since, y’know, we’re all already feeling that way all the time now.)

Make hand-washing sexy. There are infinite ways you could do this, from buying decadent moisturizing hand soap to putting a photo of your favorite hot celebrity above the sink with a drawn-on speech bubble that says “Scrub those hands for me, you beautiful bitch.” If you have a dominant (or can find one on, like, Twitter – there are a lot of horny/lonely/bored people out there right now!), maybe they could boss you via text into washing your hands more, or give you rewards for doing so.

Investigate a new-to-you porn genre. Some people are like, “When I retire, I’m going to really dive into the work of the classic Russian novelists,” but we’re pervs in a crisis, so we’re more like, “You know, I’ve always wondered what clown fetish porn was like…!” Just please make sure to pay independent porn creators for their work. (Here’s a beautiful video of me giving a blowjob that you can rent if you’re so inclined…)

What sexual thoughts and fantasies are on your mind in these trying times, if any?

How to Last Longer in Bed

Kate Sloan

Ah yes, the perennial question sex educators get asked every day. It’s almost as ubiquitous as “Is my fetish normal?” and “Does penis size matter?” It’s that men’s-magazine staple, that heteropatriarchal battle cry, that insecurity-driven inquiry: “How can I last longer in bed?”

While I have issues with the premise of the question itself – which will become clear in the post to follow – I understand the reasons for it. People possessing penises are constantly told by our culture that those penises are the centerpiece of sex, and that a dick which fails to “perform” adequately is an unloveable, unwantable dick. This is bullshit, of course, but is understandably highly motivating for people who care about their partners’ pleasure (which we all should).

So here are some of my best tips for delaying ejaculation – keeping in mind that I don’t have a penis and these suggestions are mostly ones I’ve heard from friends and partners who do. It’s worth noting that some of these tips apply specifically to penetrative (vaginal or anal) sex, while some do not. That’s not the only valid type of sex, of course, but it is the type most often associated with the quest to “last longer.”

Practice. Kegel exercises (i.e. squeezing and releasing your pelvic muscles) and edging (i.e. approaching orgasm, backing off, approaching again, repeat ad infinitum) are both oft-recommended remedy regimens for coming too soon, because they help you learn to control some of the components of your ejaculation reflex. Self-control is a skill, and skills can be sharpened!

Masturbate beforehand. Many people report that this helps slow them down the second time around. Hell, I don’t even have a penis and it nonetheless takes me longer to come if I already came within the past few hours. Give it a shot and see how it affects you.

Change the order of events. You know you don’t have to give your partner an orgasm during penetrative sex, right? Make like Ian Kerner (wow, what a nerdy joke) and get your partner off first. Granted, this might not fly if their very favorite way to come is all over your dick, but it’s at least worth considering.

Think about something else. Not necessarily baseball, but… you get the idea. When my friend Brent and I interviewed the rapper Mega Ran on our podcast Question Box, for example, he told us he sometimes recites song lyrics in his head when trying to last longer. You could try focusing on deep breathing, or counting in your head, or recalling your favorite monologue from a Tarantino movie. Whatever works!

Use a delay spray. I recently had a chance to try out Promescent Climax Control Spray with my partner, and we’re agreed that we’re glad it exists. It uses a numbing agent called lidocaine to temporarily desensitize your dick. This has the disadvantage of potentially weakening your orgasm when you do finally have one, but that might be a small price to pay for getting to satisfy your partner in the way that you want to.

Wear a thick condom. Even if you don’t “need” condoms for contraception or STI prevention in your relationship, they’re still worth a shot for their desensitizing effects. Some companies even make condoms containing benzocaine to further numb you out, if that’s what you’re after.

Use hypnosis?? This is an odd one, but hear me out… My partner and I have experimented with planting the hypnotic suggestion that they’re not allowed – or in some cases, not able – to come before I do. Depending on your receptivity to, and experience with, hypnosis, this might be worth trying!

Slow down. Jackhammer sex is overrated – not to mention, in many cases, overstimulating. As long as it doesn’t bother your partner, try slowing down your thrusts and see how that changes your ability to last.

Switch positions. The time it takes to do this will allow your arousal to cool off a bit, plus some positions are anecdotally reported to slow down the onset of orgasm in the penetrating partner – mostly “cowgirl” (receptive partner on top) and the spooning position. Experiment to see which positions have this effect on you.

Change your definition of sex. Sex doesn’t have to end when ejaculation happens – and frankly, in many cases, it would be better if it didn’t! If you come “too soon,” just pull out some treasured toys, put your mouth to use, or get your fingers in the game. This is also a choice moment for not-strictly-sexual-but-still-enjoyable kinky activities like impact play or electrostimulation. Hell, after a few minutes spent on a “side quest,” you might even get hard again for round two.

Talk about it! In the vast majority of cases, the thing you’re so sexually insecure about isn’t actually that big of a deal – or at least, wouldn’t be if you talked it out with your partner(s). Find out whether their expectations of your boner are actually as high as you think they are. If not, take a load off and stop trying to manifest a superpowered dick!

What techniques have worked for you or your partner(s) in this regard?

 

This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at Promescent, who make that rad delay spray I was telling you about!