They say that if there’s something in your life you don’t like, you can either change the thing itself, or change your attitude about it. That’s an idealistic oversimplification when it comes to complex issues like poverty or chronic illness – but if we’re talkin’ consensual pain, then yes, I find changing my mindset makes all the difference in the world.
My first forays into consensual pain were mild spankings – first, with a long-term boyfriend, and later, with a super-kinky FWB. Almost as soon as the sensation veered from “scarcely noticeable” into “actually painful,” I would call an end to it. It didn’t feel good, so I couldn’t enjoy it. Right?
I’m sure this is true for many people, and no one should feel pressured to pursue sexual experiences they don’t actually enjoy or want. But in my case, I had Kink Feelingz about the idea of taking pain, so I wanted to keep trying. I was determined that my pain tolerance in reality would one day catch up to my pain tolerance in fantasy.
So I started learning and practicing what I call cognitive strategies for dealing with pain. I’ve helped a number of baby-kinkster friends through their initial adventures in masochism, and I think, in many cases, mental strategies help more than physical adjustments (although both can be helpful). Here are 8 tricks I’ve picked up that help me when I want to take a lot of pain; they’re not new or revolutionary, but they work for me.
1. Establish safewords and safe-signals. This is a 101-level kink safety requirement, but beyond being necessary to keep all participants safe, I also find these tools help me take more pain. When utilized with a communication-savvy partner who reads my body well and checks in as needed, these tools can help me moderate the sensation I’m receiving without breaking role or feeling pulled out of the moment. Try these:
- The top can ask, “Where was that last hit on a scale from 1 to 10?” The bottom rates the hit. Then the top has a better sense of the bottom’s current pain tolerance, and can ask useful follow-up questions like, “Where would you like to be, on a scale from 1 to 10?” or “Do you think you could take a 7 for me right now?”
- The top can ask, “What color are you?” and the bottom can answer either green (“I’m fine; you can continue”), yellow (“I’m okay but I need you to slow down/decrease the intensity”), or red (“I need you to stop immediately”).
- You can develop a nonverbal communication strategy, e.g. the bottom taps the top’s leg/arm if they want the sensation to slow down, and squeezes it if they want more sensation. (This approach doesn’t work great for me because I tend to do these things involuntarily while receiving pain, but if you have more control over your body at that time, you might find this a useful technique.)
Notice that these strategies only ever require one-word answers from the bottom, if that. Pain can put a lot of people into a nonverbal headspace, so adapting your communication strategies in this way can help make sure everyone is safe and getting what they want, even when the bottom doesn’t entirely have their wits about them.
2. Warm up properly. This is less a cognitive strategy and more of a physical one, although really, when done well, it’s both. I can’t delve straight into an intense spanking sans warmup, both because my body isn’t ready for it and because my mind isn’t.
Regardless of what kind of pain you’re playing with (spanking, face-slapping, E-stim, nipple clamps, what have you), you can warm up by starting the pain at a mild level and slowly increasing it as the bottom goes deeper into subspace and can handle more. (As a top, if you’re not sure if the bottom is ready for more, the above communication tools are ideal for figuring that out.)
Note that some people prefer pain to feel “too” intense too quickly, and may want to skip warmup for this reason. I would only recommend this for people who already know their body’s pain responses pretty well, though.
3. Breathe. You hear this “tip” at every yoga class and in every meditation video. If you’re anything like me, you get a little annoyed by it after a while. I know, I know. Breathe deeply, you’ll think with an irritated eye-roll.
However, controlling my breathing has been one of the most useful skills I’ve learned in increasing my pain tolerance (there’s even scientific backing for this). I think that’s mostly because it gives me something to focus on that isn’t the pain, and lets me feel like I’m doing something, rather than just helplessly, hopelessly suffering.
Experiment with different breathing patterns to find what works for you. Personally, I like to take long, slow, deep, steadily rhythmic breaths through my nose. Sometimes my rhythm gets messed up when I get hit particularly hard, but I just try to remind myself to refocus on my breathing, and that helps a great deal.
Note: a bottom who uses breathing techniques to get through pain might find it disruptive to be told to count impacts out loud, repeat mantras, answer a top’s frequent questions, etc. If you are a top who likes to ask bottoms a lot of questions or make them count aloud, maybe check in beforehand with each bottom to see if they think that practice will fuck with their ability to modulate their pain the way they prefer.
4. Establish finite limits to the pain. I find this helpful for the same reason it’s helpful to know the length of a long-distance race before you run it: discomfort is so much worse when you have no idea when it’ll end.
This is not to say you have to start a scene by announcing, say, “I’m going to spank you for exactly thirty minutes”! For me, the quantification of pain often happens on a smaller scale during a scene. For example:
- “I’m going to hit you really hard 5 more times, and then we’ll be done.”
- “Think you can take 10 more hits like that?”
- “I’m only going to hit you for one more minute. You can keep an eye on the clock if you want.”
- “If you can get through another 30 seconds of pain, you’ll have earned lots of cuddles and chocolate.”
- “You’re getting 25 more hits – unless you make another bratty remark, in which case, your punishment will be much worse.” (I learned this technique from spanking fetishist extraordinaire Jillian Keenan, who recommends it as a way of indirectly inquiring about a bottom’s limits without breaking D/s roles. Brilliant.)
Note: some bottoms prefer the chaotic unknown. Having no idea when a scene will end may increase their sense of fear in a way they find hot and/or cathartic. As with many of these tips, you can clarify your approach as a top by asking your bottom lots of questions about what they like about receiving pain, what specific feelings they’re seeking when they crave pain, how they conceptualize their pain, etc.
5. Use rhythm. This is a super contentious point amongst bottoms, I find. Ask 10 masochistic bottoms how they feel about rhythm versus randomness when they take pain, and you’re likely to get 10 different answers.
Personally, I find it so much easier to take large amounts of pain if it’s occurring at steady intervals. Randomness causes my body to tense up erratically, so I can never really relax or breathe deeply or give myself over to endorphin-y subspace in the way I prefer to.
That said, I’ve met many bottoms who find it exciting and hot to have no clue when the next hit will land (or the next zap, punch, scratch, etc.) – so now, when I’m topping, I usually ask bottoms beforehand whether they like their pain to be rhythmic or not. It’s a seemingly small thing but it can make a huge difference.
6. Remember why you’re doing this. As with any kind of suffering in life – consensual or not – it’s easier to get through pain if it feels like it’s for a specific reason, and you believe that reason is a good one.
As a bottom, sometimes I’m taking pain to impress a top, to serve them, to show them how good I can be for them. Sometimes pain is a tool we’re using to achieve a certain effect, like bringing me into subspace, turning me on, or giving me bruises we can admire later. Sometimes pain is a punishment, sometimes it’s a reward, sometimes it’s a fun bonding activity… It can be so many different things, and it helps to clarify, before any given session, what it is going to mean on that particular day.
As a top, here are some examples of how you can remind your bottom mid-scene of their pain’s purpose. As always, adapt these approaches to fit your bottom’s specific tastes and motivations for enjoying pain, which you can find out by – spoiler alert! – asking them.
- “I love seeing you in pain like this. You’re taking it so well.”
- “This’ll teach you not to [do x thing they’re being punished for] again, won’t it?”
- “You love how subspacey and turned-on you get when I hit you, don’t you?”
- “I wonder how much more you can take for me.”
- “Your bruises are going to look so pretty for me once we’re done.”
7. Repeat an affirmation. (Also known as a mantra, though I’m trying to use this term less because some say it’s culturally appropriative.) I find this useful for many of the same reasons I find rhythmic breathing useful: it gives me something to focus on that isn’t the pain, and feels like a life preserver I can cling to in a hopeless, roiling sea of pain.
The two phrases I’ve thought most often during spankings are “no moment is unendurable” (originally from David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest) and “this too shall pass.” The latter has been so useful for me in so many situations that I have it tattooed on my wrists – a handy placement, ’cause I can hold my upturned hands out in front of me during a spanking and read my ink over and over to help me get through the pain!
As a top, if you know your bottom finds these repeated affirmations helpful, you can give them one and tell them to think it or say it over and over while you hurt them. For example, my partner sometimes asks me mid-scene, “What are you?” and my ritualized answer is, “I’m your helpless little slut.” It helps recenter and refocus me on my desire to serve him, which can be nice when we’re doing something I find challenging. You can also just repeat a phrase at them if there’s one you think they’d find helpful – e.g. “You’re a good girl,” “Take a little more for me,” “You’re doing so well,” “You get what you deserve,” and so on. (Not to sound like a broken record, but you should really inquire about your bottom’s motivations for enjoying pain before you try this; telling a punishment slut they’re a good boy, for example, is unlikely to be effective.)
8. Focus on another sensation elsewhere in your body. I had a partner last year who would often put one hand on my lower back while the other spanked me. It was ostensibly just to steady himself so he could aim better, but it had the unforeseen (for me) effect of increasing my pain tolerance – because whenever the sting on my ass got too intense, I would just reroute my focus to my partner’s warm hand on my back. That touch felt so loving compared to the wallops of pain his other hand was serving up, and even that small cognitive adjustment helped me tune out the pain and focus on the affection that fuelled it.
I’ve sometimes found it helpful to bite my lip or dig my nails into my arm while getting spanked, because that less-intense pain helped draw my focus away from the spanking when it became almost too much to bear. A similar effect is achieved when a partner lets me hold a vibrator against my clit while they hit me, or allows me to grind against their lap.
Even if there’s no deliberate touch going on except for the pain, you can still focus on other tactile sensations: the bed underneath you holding up your weight, your clothes (if any) sliding against your skin, a collar tight against your throat. You can bring your mind back to the pain when you’re ready, but tuning it out for even just a few moments can help you get through a difficult interlude when you need to.
What strategies do you like for enduring (or helping a partner endure) consensual pain?
We laugh about this interaction now. He is such a Daddy. He likes showing me around his city, holding my hand when we cross the street, carrying things for me. He likes ordering for me at restaurants like I’m not even there (“She’ll have the 
“You should maybe, uh, tell me what to wear and how to do my hair and makeup for our date,” I mumble over the phone to my Sir. Meek and muffled, because I know how this usually goes. Usually I float this idea and a partner either reacts like it’s totally absurd, or gives me the world’s least satisfying answer: “Wear whatever makes you feel beautiful!”
I do it for him, too. I try to. Past partners have told me, when I coyly begged them to dominate me, that they worried they’d go too far – or, worse, that I would laugh in their face when they issued a command. “Oh, that? I’m not going to do that. Why would you even want that?!” So I do my best to affirm dominants’ orders. I treat these directives with the care they deserve. They may be barked or growled, but they are vulnerable nonetheless – because I could always, always say no.
One Monday morning in New York City, I hand Sir two dresses from my suitcase. “Which one, Sir?” I query, and he chooses the red one. I put it on.
