realistic dildo

Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys Captain’s Hook dildo

Kate Sloan

When I put the Captain’s Hook from Mr. Hankey’s Toys inside me for the first time, I said out loud, “Oh, this is gonna be my new favorite silicone dildo.” I think I was right. Let’s talk about why.

 

What is the Captain’s Hook, and how can it be customized?

The lovely folks at Mr. Hankey’s told me I could choose any 3 toys from their site to review (the other 2 reviews will be published in July and August, respectively, so keep an eye out for that!). Their catalogue of products is extensive, so it took me a while to pick some out – but the Captain’s Hook was a “fuck yes” as soon as I saw it.

It’s a realistic (i.e. dick-like) dildo, but with a strong upward curve not often found in human dicks. I am a fan of penises, to say the least, and this is a pretty perfect one if you’re looking for more intense G-spot or prostate stimulation than most flesh-and-blood cocks can offer.

Mr. Hankey’s products are almost all customizable, and this one is no exception. You can choose between 4 different sizes (S–XL), 4 different firmness levels, and about a zillion different colors, plus you can tell them whether or not you want a Vac-U-Lock hole in the base so you can use the toy with Vac-U-Lock-compatible harnesses, fucking machines, etc. (although the brand points out that this particular toy isn’t recommended for fucking machines because it might rotate due to being too heavy).

For my Captain’s Hook, I went with the small size, medium firmness, red color, and no Vac-U-Lock hole. (If you want some help choosing your desired firmness, check out this video the brand made. I went with the medium because I knew I wanted it to feel impactful enough on my G-spot, but didn’t want its veiny texture to feel overwhelming, as super-firm textured dildos often do for me.)

Like many other fantasy dildo companies, Mr. Hankey’s toys tend to be on the larger side – so even though I chose the “small” Captain’s Hook, it’s still one of the girthiest dildos I own, with a diameter ranging from 2″ just under the head to 2.2″ near the base. Its insertable length is about 7″.

 

My experience with the Captain’s Hook + some tips

As with any large penetrative toy, I’d recommend getting really turned on before you attempt to get this bad boy inside you. I always warmed up with a lot of clitoral stimulation, fantasy/erotica/porn, etc. when testing it. It’s like stretching before you climb a mountain – simply the sensible thing to do! Fortunately, the tapered tip of this toy makes it easier to insert than it otherwise would be, especially when drizzled liberally with a good water-based lube.

Besides comfort and safety, the other reason to warm up beforehand is sensitivity. The G-spot and prostate both swell with arousal, making them easier to access and stimulate. And hoo boy, does this toy ever stimulate my G-spot. The substantial girth, deep curve, and defined coronal ridge all come together to form a G-spot homing device – a phrase I’ve previously only used to describe the stainless steel Njoy Pure Wand. Now, don’t get me wrong, the Captain’s Hook doesn’t feel like the Pure Wand, exactly – silicone doesn’t feel like steel! – but their effects on my G-spot are similarly prone to knocking the wind out of me and making me squirt.

However, maybe the most amazing thing to me about the Captain’s Hook is that it can also hit my A-spot!! It’s rare for a toy to be good at G-spot and A-spot stimulation, because usually the pronounced curve required for G-spot stim is incompatible with comfortably sliding deeply enough to hit the A-spot. But because I chose the medium firmness, this dildo has juuust enough flexibility that it straightens out somewhat when I push it deep, so that it can stroke my A-spot when that’s what I’m craving. When I pull it back out to a shallower position, it immediately re-forms into its strongly curved shape, like it’s transforming back into G-spot mode. Fucking brilliant dildo design, if you ask me!

Thrusting hard and fast with this dildo, when I’m super turned on, is so intense that I’ve sometimes thought I could have a penetrative orgasm from it. This is particularly amazing because, like the majority of people with vulvas, I require clitoral stimulation in order to get off – so, even though I’ve still never had an orgasm from penetration alone and might never, it definitely impresses me when a dildo makes that type of climax feel within reach. Also, notably, this dildo is so stimulating internally that I don’t tend to need as much clit stim in order to get off – in one testing session, for instance, I came while my Eroscillator was on its first speed, an event so rare that I can probably count on one hand how many times it’s happened in the 12 years I’ve owned an Eroscillator. WTF!

I didn’t try the Captain’s Hook anally, because frankly my butt isn’t that accommodating or that brave, but I bet this would be a killer prostate dildo too, if the dimensions were manageable for you.

 

Chonky base alert!

Other cool things about the Captain’s Hook

I don’t tend to “ride” my dildos, but this one has a big, chunky base that would make it suitable for that type of play. It doesn’t have a suction cup, but its flat bottom and heavy base allow it to stay put relatively well during riding, at least if you’re on a flat, hard surface. The flared base also makes it harness-compatible. I imagine someone fucking me with this dildo in their harness would be a wild time.

I also gotta say, I love the red color. It’s very striking, and reminds me (fittingly) of the actual Captain Hook’s iconic red coat. I’ll show you, you cowardly crocodile!

 

Some potential drawbacks to consider

The possible “cons” of this toy are about what you’d expect: some users will find it uncomfortably large, and the veiny texture (while relatively subtle, as far as fantasy dildos go) might feel too intense for some people, especially in a hard firmness and/or with insufficient lube.

This toy is also somewhat heavy for a silicone dildo, owing in part to its hefty base. I have muscle strength issues from fibro and sometimes found that my arm would get tired when thrusting hard and fast with this dildo for a while. Switching arms helps, of course, and so does adding more lube, because the less friction there is, the less hard I have to push and pull the toy.

 

Final thoughts

I love the Captain’s Hook. There are a lot of girthy realistic dildos that I enjoy when I’m in the mood for them, but don’t think I’ve ever tried one that hits my G-spot and A-spot as relentlessly as this one. It leaves me breathless, and sometimes makes me forget my clit even exists (…for a few minutes, anyway… I’ll never actually forget about you, baby!).

While certainly this dildo wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea due to its substantial size and extreme curve, for me it’s the ideal toy when I really want to be filled up and pounded. No other realistic dildo in my collection is as deeply curved as this one; dick-like dildos tend to be enjoyable moreso for how they “fill up the hungry spot” inside me (to quote Nina Hartley), not for how they target specific spots. So to have a toy that can do both is just… *chef’s kiss*!

 

Thanks to Mr. Hankey’s Toys for sending me this product to review! This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Bestvibe Thrusting Rotating Vibrating Heating Realistic Dildo

Kate Sloan

What is the Bestvibe Thrusting Rotating Vibrating Heating Realistic Dildo?

This toy is a realistic silicone dildo, with a longer-than-usual handle to help with holding it and thrusting it. It vibrates and also thrusts.

 

Things I like about this toy

  • While it’s a bit of an eyesore to have a big plastic handle attached to the bottom of your otherwise-realistic dildo, and might take some people out of the moment fantasy-wise, I found it good for accessibility reasons. As someone whose hands get sore sometimes due to my fibromyalgia, I appreciated having an easier way to hold onto this toy than the claw-hand position I usually have to adopt with handleless realistic dildos.
  • The vibrations are actually pretty good (except for the fact that there’s only 2 steady speeds, as mentioned below). They’re on the rumblier side of what I was expecting, albeit still buzzier than rumbly classics like the We-Vibe Tango and Swan Wand.
  • I like the dimensions a lot. The insertable length ranges from 5.1″ to 6.3″ (it expands and contracts when its thrusting function is engaged) and the diameter is 1.6 inches. For me, that’s filling and satisfying but still comfortable, which is ideal.
  • I like the realistic appearance of this dildo, and am glad that more body-safe realistic dildos are available at lower price points now than those offered by, say, Vixen Creations or Tantus.
  • You can control the vibration and the thrusting separately! Hooray!
  • Unlike some other thrusters of this type, this one never pinches my skin awkwardly when it’s thrusting.
  • It’s waterproof!

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • When used the way I assume you’re meant to use it (balls facing down, rather than blocking my clit), the buttons are on the side of the toy that’s facing away from me, so I can’t see them during use. This is incredibly inconvenient and distracting.
  • The thrusting tends to slow down/weaken as soon as the toy’s inside me, and especially when I clench my vag muscles around it. This should not happen and can really mess with my build toward orgasm.
  • This toy has no curve whatsoever, which noticeably reduces the pleasure it could otherwise give me. I have to tilt it in pretty specific ways to get it to rub over my G-spot and/or A-spot.
  • The vibration function only has 2 steady speeds. That is not enough steady speeds.
  • The thrusting function sounds like a witch cackling. I don’t know how to explain that further. It just does. It’s very loud, erratic and distracting.
  • Apparently there is a heating function (there’s even a heating button on the toy), but it just didn’t work for me at all, no matter what I tried.
  • Bestvibe also advertises this toy as “rotating 360 degrees” but this is misleading, as there’s no rotation function. I think they mean that the handle makes it easier to manually rotate the dildo inside you if you want to, but 1) why would you want to? and 2) that’s not what people are gonna assume it means when you say that your product rotates.

Final thoughts

I’d definitely consider using this Bestvibe toy if I wanted to jerk off with a realistic dildo but was lacking the hand strength that day to thrust it myself. Its thrusting function is good and its handle also makes it easier to thrust manually even when my hands are feeling weak/sore.

But it has so many functional problems – especially its button placement, noise level, and the thrusts’ tendency to slow down as soon as any pressure is applied to the toy – that I find it hard to justify recommending this to anyone. Another Bestvibe toy I reviewed recently is a way better realistic thruster and can get me off much more easily and enjoyably, so go check that one out if you’re interested in this type of toy.

 

This post was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Bestvibe Cupid 3-In-1 Heating Thrusting Vibration Realistic Dildo

Kate Sloan

It is a known fact that I love dick. I didn’t always, but now, after many years of sexual activity with many lovely dick-owners, I am very much a fan. (And no, none of that is me giving you permission to send me pictures or textual descriptions of your dick. I like the ones I know, the ones I consent to see. Nonconsensual penises are ugly and gross, no exceptions.)

So, naturally, I am a fan of realistic dildos as well – provided they’re well-made. And it’s even more intriguing when those dildos are capable of doing some of the things human dicks can do, like feel immediately warm upon insertion or thrust in and out. This Bestvibe 3-in-1 dildo can do both of those things and more, so I was excited to review it. Let’s talk about it!

 

What is the Bestvibe Cupid 3-in-1 Heating Thrusting Vibration Realistic Dildo?

Phew. Bestvibe’s product names are always such a mouthful! Maybe we should just call this the Bestvibe Cupid, for short.

The Cupid is a realistic silicone dildo with a 6.3-inch insertable length (it’s 8.66 inches total, including the balls and suction cup base). It has a diameter of about 1.7 inches at its largest point.

However, in addition, this dildo can vibrate, heat up, and thrust in and out. It comes with a small remote control that allows you to control these three functions.

 

Things I like about this toy

  • The dimensions are great for my particular vag. It’s got enough length to hit my A-spot easily if I keep it anchored deep inside me by placing a pillow between my legs at the base of the toy (more on that below), but I can also position it more shallowly to hit my G-spot. The girth is wide enough to feel satisfying but not so wide as to need much warm-up before inserting it (for me, anyway). I am very much a fan.
  • Visually and tactilely, the toy is quite realistic. The closest thing I can compare it to is actually dual-density silicone dildos like the VixSkin toys, in that it’s realistic-looking in quite a detailed way and feels both squishy and firm. The Cupid isn’t dual-density like those toys are, but its mechanical core feels very similar to the firm silicone core of a dual-density toy, so that in use they actually feel very much alike.
  • The thrusting! Oh, the thrusting. A lot of self-thrusting toys feel pretty weak – more like a perpetual-motion machine on somebody’s cubicle desk than a hard rough fuck – but this one has some serious strength behind it. At its best, it feels almost as good as a real live human fucking me. And since its steady modes are much more rhythmically regular than the average human is capable of being, it gets me off more easily than most people can with their dicks. (By the way, whenever I talk about getting off from penetrative toys, assume that I mean “with added clitoral stimulation via my fingers or a vibrator,” because – like the majority of people with my anatomy – I don’t orgasm without clit stim.)
  • While a more pronounced curve would’ve been my preference, the subtle curve of this toy is good enough to hit my spots the way I like. It helps that it has a well-defined coronal ridge which can rub against those spots on every thrust.
  • It’s got a suction-cup base. This normally isn’t something I care that much about, since the combo of chronic pain and laziness means that I almost always masturbate lying on my back in bed – but with a thrusting toy, it can be nice to be able to back up onto it, or sit down on it from above, or whatever.
  • The wide base also means this toy is harness-compatible, which is interesting. I wonder what it would feel like if a mechanically-thrusting device was simultaneously thrust in and out of me by an actual person… However, even if you turn all the mechanical functions off when using it this way, the Cupid also functions perfectly well as a regular strap-on dildo.
  • The Cupid costs £49.99, which (at time of writing) works out to about $60 USD or $81 CAD. That’s a really reasonable price for something that looks and feels this realistic and has this many functions.
  • The toy comes with a small battery-powered remote, which is auto-paired to the dildo. All you have to do is put the battery into the remote, turn on the toy by long-pressing the power button on its base, and press one of the 3 buttons on the remote to activate one of the toy’s 3 functions (or use more than one at once, if you prefer).
  • On that note, each of the 3 functions can be controlled independently – so if you want vibrations but no thrusting, or vice-versa, you can do that, or you can use both at once.
  • This toy is safe for both vaginal and anal insertion (though, as with any other toy, you’ll need to sanitize it in between using it anally and using it vaginally).

 

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • It had a bit of an oily residue when it first arrived, which made me think it might be made of an unsafe material. However, after washing it and (later) doing a flame test on it, now I’m pretty sure it’s made of real silicone, and just had some residue left on it from the manufacturing process (which is pretty common and is the reason most companies will tell you to wash a toy before using it for the first time).
  • The button on the base of the toy is really hard to locate and press, especially if you have hand strength issues like I do.
  • The toy is decently loud, like most thrusters are. The sound diminishes when it’s inside you, however.
  • There are only 3 thrusting settings. The first one is hard, fast, and steady. The second one is more erratic, switching between a few different speeds, which I guess is meant to feel more authentically human but actually just annoys me. The third is slower, steady thrusting. I like the steady settings but wish that there were more of them, and that the toy started on the slowest setting and worked its way up from there.
  • As with many warming toys, I can’t actually detect the heating function in this toy. These functions usually take a few minutes to reach peak heat and the heat itself is usually pretty subtle, which makes it hard to notice, especially since, by that point, usually I will have put the toy inside me already and so my body will already have warmed it up a bit.
  • The remote is battery-powered rather than being rechargeable, and uses a type of battery you’re unlikely to have just lying around the house (27A 12V). There’s also no markings on the battery chamber or in the toy instructions regarding which way the battery should be oriented, so you just have to guess and then flip it around if your first guess is wrong.
  • Additionally, there’s no way to control the toy without the remote, so if you lose the remote or its battery dies mid-session, you’re shit outta luck. This is honestly probably my #1 issue with this toy. Remote-control toys should always have buttons on the unit itself if at all possible.
  • As with most self-thrusting toys, this one will tend to shimmy its way out of you if left to its own devices (so to speak), so you’ll need to keep it in place by putting a pillow or somesuch against the base of the toy, between your legs – or by making use of its suction-cup base to attach it to a firm surface like a wall, floor, or mirror.
  • The vibrations are so weak and buzzy that they can barely be discerned. Don’t get this toy if you want internal vibration; thrusting (or being manually thrusted) is the only thing it does well.

 

Final thoughts

Of the latest batch of products Bestvibe has sent me (more reviews to come!), the Cupid dildo is by far my favorite. It’s rare to find a thrusting toy that actually feels anything like getting fucked, and that can elicit orgasms as intensely and reliably for me as this toy does.

It definitely has some issues – mainly its limited settings, terrible vibrations, and awkward controls – but in my view these are ultimately forgivable, because its thrusting is so damn good. Much like some of the people I have dated/fucked, its issues seem minor in comparison to the pounding it can provide.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

A Dildo Made to My Exact Specifications? Yes Please!

Kate Sloan
Triarx on the left, customized version on the right

There have been several exciting landmarks in my career as a sex toy reviewer. The first time I made my own dildo was one. The first time I got sent to an industry trade show was another. More recently, I got an email from West at the Pleasure Tailor, asking me if I wanted to try a version of their Triarx dildo… that was modified to my exact specifications. Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse!

You might remember the Pleasure Tailor from the time I designed my own dildo for them, which you can buy here. It’s called the Easy A and is designed to hit the A-spot – my favorite internal erogenous zone – while also being easy to hold and thrust with, even if you have strength/mobility issues in your hands, as I do.

A really wonderful thing about the Pleasure Tailor is that they let you customize any of their toys to suit your exact needs. Among the alterations they offer are size, color, firmness, finish, and how rigid or thick the core of the dildo is. So if, for instance, you liked my Easy A design but wanted one that was shorter, matte, or bright red instead, they could do that for you. Their company is aptly named because it reminds me of all the best experiences I’ve had with actual tailors. I went in with a garment that was ill-fitting and made me feel bad-to-meh about myself, and when I picked up the altered design a week or two later, it inevitably made me look and feel like a new woman – a hot woman, to be exact!

Likewise, the Pleasure Tailor can make you the dildo of your dreams. Let me tell you about the most recent thing they made for me.

Image via the Pleasure Tailor – standard Triarx on the right, modified version on the left

What is the Triarx and what modifications were made to it for me?

The Triarx is a realistic dildo designed by Felicity of Phallophile Reviews. Felicity has been reviewing toys for years, and her write-ups are so thorough and informative that I often reference them when I’m writing about particular toys or deciding whether I want to try a new toy that’s just been released.

As the name of her blog would suggest, she’s really into dildos – so of course, the one she designed with the Pleasure Tailor is a beaut. It’s made to be hyper-realistic, with lifelike veins and ridges that any cock aficionado can appreciate. It’s made of triple-density silicone, which means that it has a firm core and two progressively squishier layers of silicone around that, for a feeling that’s remarkably close to a flesh-and-blood dick. It’s got a suction-cup base for hands-free use, and even has a prominent “vein” running along the top of the shaft that’s designed to hit your clit while you thrust.

I adore realistic dildos, when I’m in the mood for them (which is often), and this one is on par with my faves from Vixen Creations and Tantus in terms of quality, realism and pleasure.

West at the Pleasure Tailor had the brilliant idea to send me a Triarx as well as a custom-modified version of the same toy, so I could compare the two. He made the following changes for my modded Triarx:

  • Lengthened the toy from 6.5 to 7 inches of insertable length, to enable it to hit the A-spot
  • Made the head slightly slimmer/more tapered so it can nestle into the A-spot more easily without bumping my cervix uncomfortably
  • Intensified the curve at the tip for more targeted A-spot action
  • Removed the veins (I’ve got nothing against texture on a dildo, necessarily; it’s just not something I crave or get much additional pleasure from)
  • Decreased the dragginess of the silicone by making it smoother
  • Made the firm core thicker so the whole dildo feels more rigid
  • Added a small tab of silicone to the base that lines up with the top side of the toy, so I’ll always know if it’s oriented correctly while it’s inside me

I hope this gives you an idea of the types of modifications you can request from the Pleasure Tailor, because they really are terrific. They can turn a dildo that’d work okay for you into one that might just become your new fave.

Triarx on the left, customized version on the right

My experience with the Triarx

The original Triarx, I have to say, is pretty great. It’s not entirely my cup of tea, for reasons I’ll get into, but I think a lot of people would enjoy it. Its diameter is 1.75″ – midway between the formidable VixSkin Mustang (1.5″) and Maverick (2″) – so it gives me a pleasantly “filled-up” feeling without requiring several minutes of warm-up.

It’s a very G-spot-focused dildo, as it was designed to be. I could definitely squirt with it if I thrusted it hard and fast enough, for long enough. I can push it deeper inside me and it will hit my A-spot to some extent, but it feels a bit awkward trying to jam something so thick into that petite nook in front of my cervix.

The triple-density silicone is incredibly fun to squeeze on; it feels like a stress ball. This dildo’s squishiness-to-rigidity ratio is perfect for intensifying my orgasms; I can distinctly feel every orgasmic contraction but they never feel like pain mixed with pleasure, as they can sometimes if I’m using a super-firm dildo.

The vein meant to hit the clit stands no chance of hitting mine, though. I would have to bend the dildo so far in that direction that its tip would be poking the wall between my vag and butt, which isn’t a sexy sensation for me. But it’s a cool idea and I imagine it’d work for some people, especially those whose clit is closer to their vaginal opening than mine is. And the vein does help me orient the dildo/keep it upright inside me, because it’s visually evident even while most of the toy is inside me.

Speaking of veins, the overall texture of this dildo – while I’m sure it would make some people very happy – doesn’t really work for me. No matter how much lube I drizzle on, it overstimulates my vaginal walls and gives me a slightly uncomfortable “been fucked hard” feeling. I know some people are into that, though.

Triarx on the left, customized version on the right

My experience with my modified Triarx

As soon as I inserted this custom-modified version of the Triarx into my vag, I noticed how much better it felt for me. The smooth silicone felt like heaven against my vaginal walls compared to the roughness of the original Triarx’s veins. The tip slid easily into my A-spot right away, with minimal effort on my part. I could tell that my spot was being hit more directly because I felt that familiar “oh yes” rightness that always accompanies the moment of a partner touching my A-spot for the first time in a session.

Because the shaft gets slightly thicker the more you insert it, this modded version still feels very filling and satisfying, and is a delight to come on. The orgasms with this toy are no better and no worse than those with the original Triarx, just different: they feel like they happen deeper inside me, because of all the A-spot stimulation going on, but it’s also not quite as pleasurable to squeeze on the modded version because it’s less squishy. You win some, you lose some. (A dildo this long would be hard to maneuver if it was squishier.)

I can hit my G-spot with the modified Triarx too, if I thrust it more shallowly. But I tend to prefer firmer G-spot stimulation, so I don’t often reach for realistic dildos for this purpose anyway.

Overall this is one of the better A-spot dildos I’ve tried, which is funny because the dildo it’s based on wasn’t an A-spot dildo at all! That just goes to show how clever the folks at the Pleasure Tailor are at making your erogenous zones’ dreams come true.

 

Final thoughts

The original Triarx is good, but my modified version – for my particular body, anyway – is spectacular. It’s optimized for A-spot stimulation while retaining all the qualities I loved in the original.

It’s also a testament to the wonders of human creativity – and a love letter to A-spotty dicks. Basically, I adore it – and I think that if you want a dildo to be modified to suit your anatomy and preferences as closely as possible, you’ve absolutely gotta check out the Pleasure Tailor.

 

This review was not sponsored; I just genuinely think the Pleasure Tailor is doing cool shit and deserves to be hyped up. Of course, the dildos were sent to me free of charge, but as ever, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

Realistic vs. Non-Realistic Dildos: Which Should You Get?

Kate Sloan
A Fleshjack dildo cuddling with the Easy A

Is there any type of sex toy as hotly debated as the realistic dildo?

Okay, yes, almost certainly there is. Moral panics arise perennially about people becoming “dependent” on vibrators, there has been much kerfuffle over whether sex dolls are inherently sexist, and “fisting dildos” often inspire medically-uninformed concerns about people’s holes getting stretched out. (That hypothesis is a myth, folks!)

But if we’re talking about the type of sex toy that is most commonly debated, argued over, and fretted about, obviously the answer has got to be the realistic dildo. Many cis men worry that they won’t be able to “compete” with a partner’s dildo if it’s cocklike, especially if it’s larger than their actual dick. Many lesbians have had their sexual identity questioned or dismissed if they use/like realistic dildos, despite the facts that 1) toys are not necessarily reflective of their users’ real-life desires and attractions, and 2) some women have penises so desiring dicks isn’t inherently un-sapphic at all. Straight men who use realistic dildos may be misidentified as gay or bi, because (again) many people falsely equate choice of toy with sexual orientation. Using a realistic dildo can be a clusterfuck in more ways than one!

Given all this fervent discourse/di(ck)scourse, one might assume that realistic dildos are the only dildos available, but that isn’t the case: many sex toy companies make non-representational dildos, designed to hit those tucked-away erogenous zones or fulfill wild fantasies. Basically, whatever image pops to mind for you when you see the word “dildo,” just be aware that there’s way more out there!

If you’re in the market for a new dildo but having trouble deciding which route to go, fear not – today I’m breaking down the key factors that might lead you to go realistic or non-realistic. Let’s begin this penetrating analysis…

 

Who should get a realistic dildo?

  • Someone who fetishizes dicks or just thinks they’re hot. (Hellooo, it me.)
  • Someone who wants their new strap-on dildo to look like a real dick, whether that’s for gender affirmation reasons or any other reason. I have many trans and nonbinary friends who initially explored their burgeoning Gender Feelings this way, whether or not they were fully aware that’s what they were doing at the time.
  • Someone who wants a dildo that has the comfortable squishiness/flexibility of a flesh-and-blood dick. Granted, not all realistic dildos have this (and some non-realistic ones do, too), but generally, realistic ones are gonna be toward the squishier end of the spectrum and therefore might be comfier for some folks.
  • Someone who finds that the shape of a penis works well for their anatomy. The coronal ridge on a cock can feel great on the G-spot or prostate, for example. Non-realistic toys can be stimulating in all sorts of ways, but if you know you really crave that “mushroom head” shape inside you, a realistic dildo is probably the way to go.
  • Someone who makes porn, does cam shows, etc. While some viewers may want to see you using non-realistic toys, in my experience the vast majority of porn/cam show consumers are cis straight men who want your toys to function as a proxy for their dick. Realistic dildos work well for this, whether you’re kneeling below the camera to shoot a POV blowjob scene, sprawled out on your bed fucking yourself with the toy, or affixing it via suction cup to a wall so you can bounce on it.
  • Someone who is in a long-distance relationship with a penis-possessing person and wants to be able to take sexy photos/videos with a silicone facsimile of their partner’s cock. (Or, alternatively, someone whose partner is transmasculine and might appreciate some gender-affirming custom porn.) If you like to have Zoom/FaceTime/Skype sex, it can also be nice to use toys that actually resemble parts of your partner’s body, so you feel like you’re physically together. If you can’t find a dildo that approximates your sweetie’s dimensions, ask them to make a Clone-a-Willy for you. It’s basically like copying-and-pasting a penis.

 

Who should get a non-realistic dildo?

  • Someone who is squicked out by penises or just doesn’t find them attractive. There’s no shame in admitting this – your sex toys are meant to turn you on, and to make you feel good, not to gross you out! (Unless you’re into being grossed out, that is…)
  • Someone who is threatened by (or has a partner who is threatened by) the thought of incorporating a penis-like toy into their play, and isn’t interested in interrogating or unlearning that reaction. As a reminder: sex toys are tools, not your competition… but I also understand that a lot of us have so much strife to discuss with our therapists these days (should we be lucky enough to have one) that dildo anxiety may not be at the top of your list at the moment!
  • Someone who likes to have specific internal erogenous zones stimulated intensely and specifically. Some non-realistic dildos may have, for example, a severe G-spot/P-spot curve, or a tapered tip that slips nicely into the A-spot. When sex educators say, “Some dildos can do things that dicks simply cannot do,” this is generally what we mean.
  • Someone who likes firm penetration. You can find firm realistic toys, but the body-safe ones tend to be made of silicone, and silicone (like human cocks) can only get so hard. Glass, metal, wood, and ceramic, on the other hand, can fuck you just as firmly as you please.
  • Someone who fantasizes about mythical creatures or sci-fi characters and wants a toy that mirrors what’s inside their head. Do you dream of getting dicked down by a dragon, rendezvousing with a robot, or being manhandled by a manticore? Chances are, there’s a dildo for that!
  • Someone who’s interested in temperature play. Materials like metal, glass, and ceramic hold their temperature better and longer than silicone, so generally you’re gonna find better toys for this purpose in the non-realistic category. Pop your toy into a bowl of cool (not ice-cold) or warm (not piping hot) water for a few minutes before playing, and you’ll experience the pleasures of temp play.
  • Someone who has an appreciation for art and aesthetics. That’s not to say penises can’t be gorgeous (my spouse’s is basically a Rembrandt), but they don’t tend to have the visual pizzazz of an elegant metal dildo or a colorful glass one. Plus you can’t exactly display a veiny dick on your nightstand and call it decor, unless you’re, like, Betty Dodson or Andy Warhol.
  • Someone who plans to post photos of their dildo on social media. (Look, I don’t know your life.) A lot of social media platforms will remove images that their algorithms flag as containing nudity, even if what’s being depicted is actually a silicone cock and not a flesh-and-blood one. You can even get banned for posting naughty pics like this, although non-realistic dildos tend to slip past the censors’ sensors uncensured.

 

Who could be happy with either?

  • Someone who just doesn’t have strong preferences either way, even after reading all of the above info.
  • Someone who wants to practice being penetrated, whether that’s because they plan to have sex for the first time soon and want to be prepared, or they haven’t had sex in a while and want to make sure it’ll be comfy when it happens, or they’re exploring a hole they haven’t had penetrated much or ever. You can get both realistic and non-realistic dildos in a broad range of sizes; it’s up to you whether you’d rather practice on something realistically cock-like or something smoother and simpler.
  • Someone who wants to wield a strap-on but has no strong feelings about what their penile prosthesis should look like. If that’s your situation, it might be best to defer to your partner(s) and get whatever they’d most like to be penetrated by. At the very least, you should take their size preferences into account, and ideally pick something that targets their fave internal erogenous zone.
  • Someone who intends to build a wide-ranging sex toy collection over time. You gotta start somewhere!

 

Do you have a preference for one type of dildo over the other? Why do you think that is?

 

Thanks to the folks at Honeysx for sponsoring this post! Check out their informational article, “Dildos 101: Everything You Know About Dildos,” for more details. As always, all writing and opinions here are my own.