shoes

12 Days of Girly Juice 2022: 12 Femme Essentials

Kate Sloan

Today marks the start of my annual year-end feature, 12 Days of Girly Juice! In the coming weeks, I’ll be writing about my favorite songs, sex toys, books, articles, selfies, events, and sexual encounters of the year – among other things. It’s how I process the events of my year, and the ways I’ve changed over the course of these twelve months.

As is tradition, the first 12 Days of Girly Juice post is about my femme essentials this year – the twelve fashion and beauty items which brightened my days, inspired me aesthetically, and helped me express my inner self to the outer world. In no particular order, here they are.

 

Elemis Pro-Collagen Cleansing Balm. I bought this on the recommendation of a beauty YouTuber named Spencer, who knows his stuff. It’s a slippery, viscous product that you massage into your skin to dissolve all the day’s makeup so it can then be removed. I usually rub this balm into my skin while it’s dry and then add water, which makes its consistency thinner so it can then be gently wiped off with a washcloth or tissue.

There are a couple reasons I love this product, aside from the simple fact that it works. Firstly, it smells so good that it makes me feel like I’ve been transported to a spa – it’s fragranced with eucalyptus, lavender, rose, and chamomile – but there’s also a fragrance-free version for folks who prefer that. Secondly, as someone living with a chronic illness that routinely saps my energy, I appreciate having a super low-effort way to remove my makeup at the end of the day when I’ve already used up most of my spoons and don’t have enough fortitude left in me to wash my face properly. Lazy skincare is valid!!

 

“Love Shack” heart-shaped bag by Kate Spade. I love Kate Spade bags and they’ve showed up on this list before, but this bag is really special. I wanted a small clutch or crossbody bag I could take with me to Matt’s sister’s wedding in September, and as soon as I saw this, I wanted it bad. Fortunately, it was on sale.

It’s definitely not the roomiest bag – it can fit my wallet, phone, keys, gum, and a couple other small things, but can’t handle my Kindle or any notebook larger than pocket-sized. But it gets so many compliments, and brightens up my outfits so much, that I’m okay with it.

 

Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask. This is basically just a really great lip balm. I’m including it because, in another year of Zoom calls and intermittent isolation and working from home – not to mention chronic illness and fatigue – I didn’t always have the wherewithal to put together a flashy look, but fancy skincare products helped me feel beautiful nonetheless.

I got this one as part of my Sephora birthday gift last year but used it way more this year. The subtle berry scent and shea butter-based formula are luxurious and lovely. I’m a fan.

 

Make Up For Ever Ultra HD Microfinishing Pressed Powder. This stuff is aggravatingly expensive, so I only ever buy the mini size – but it’s a must-have for me when I travel. Normally at home, I use a loose setting powder to set my concealer and take care of any shininess in my T-zone, but loose powder just isn’t practical when you’re doing your face in airport bathrooms or on trains or planes!

While it doesn’t come with an applicator (bummer), there is a little mirror inside the compact, which makes it convenient for applying on-the-go. I usually put it on with a Real Techniques brush that I’ve had for years.

 

GXVE matte lipstick in “Original Recipe.” Annoyingly, I discovered this lipstick via a targeted ad on Instagram. What can I say; the algorithm knows my soul.

Gwen Stefani founded makeup company GXVE (pronounced “give”), and as anyone who’s ever seen a No Doubt video can tell you, she knows her way around a red lip. I bought this lipstick thinking it’d become just another red in my collection, but it was actually my favorite lipstick of the entire year! The formula is matte without being drying, and lasts a long time, fading minimally and evenly through meals. The “Original Recipe” shade is a perfect, old-fashioned-yet-totally-timeless true red. I’m pretty picky about my lipsticks, especially red ones, and this one has exceeded my expectations.

 

MAC lip pencil in “Cherry.” Who knows why, but there were long periods of time this year when nothing made me feel more confident and put-together than a precisely-executed red lip. When I bought this lip liner, my lip application process became ritualistic: I would dab on a bit of lipstick in the center of my lips, carefully outline their edges with this just-sharpened pencil, fill in the rest of my lip with the pencil, and then apply more lipstick over top. This method is finicky and may seem excessive, but I’ve found that it helps my lips retain their hue much better for much longer, even if I’m going out for dinner or sipping coffee at my desk all day.

There are times when I prefer a more casual approach to lipstick, quickly slicking on a tinted lip balm before I dash out the door. But for the times when I want to be almost painfully precise about my lip, like Marilyn Monroe prepping for a magazine photoshoot, I always reach for this liner.

 

MAC matte lipstick in “De Vil in the Details.” This lipstick is from the limited-edition line that MAC did in collaboration with the movie Cruella, starring Emma Stone, and I bought it while I was watching that movie, because the beauty looks in it were so fucking good that I felt inspired in a way that felt immediate and urgent.

While there are smart internet commentators out there who have their issues with Cruella for various valid reasons, one thing I know for sure is that its approach to costumes and makeup was bold, playful and glamorous. This lipstick, one of a handful of shades MAC released as an homage to the film, is an orange-leaning red – not my usual jam (I prefer a cool-toned red), but high-quality and surprisingly wearable. There were many times this year when I had to get on a Zoom call or record a podcast and didn’t feel put-together enough to be seen, and quickly applying this lipstick was often enough to change that.

 

Coola organic sunscreen. I’ve been trying to get better about wearing sunscreen on my face and visible tattoos whenever I go out, since it’s apparently one of the most impactful ways to keep your skin looking great into middle age and beyond. I certainly don’t remember to do it every time, but I do my best. And it helps enormously to have a face sunscreen that is neither greasy nor chalky. This Coola one is easily the best I’ve ever tried.

As a femme, I really can’t deal with sunscreens that make it difficult or impossible for me to apply makeup on top of them. Coola has somehow created one that seems to dry down just as well as a good moisturizer, creating a smooth canvas for whatever I choose to apply next. Incredible.

 

Converse black leather Chuck Taylor All-Stars. I had wanted these for yeeeears before deciding to finally spring for them. I always worried they were too androgynous-looking for my high-femme style, but over the past several years I’ve been leaning into more of a “soft-femme” or “casual-femme” vibe, so they’ve actually been a fantastic fit with my existing wardrobe.

Chuck Taylors are such an iconic shoe, instantly recognizable on anyone who wears them, and I love that Converse created a black leather version. To my eye, it looks a little more polished, grown-up and (yep) kinky than the standard shoe. It’s ideal and goes with pretty much every casual outfit!

 

Zatchels rainbow midi satchel. This little black satchel has a rainbow panel on the front that’s assembled from various brightly-hued pieces of leather. The craftsmanship of it is beautiful, and I love its little magnetic faux-buckle closures.

It’s not very roomy either, barely having enough space in it for my Kindle, wallet, earbuds and phone, but it goes with almost any outfit and works just as well for casual coffee shop jaunts as it does for fancy soirées. I love Zatchels!

 

Custom-color Nike Air Force 1 Low sneakers. Another pair of sneakers?! Who am I becoming?!

Nike lets you customize the colorways of some of their shoes, through a cool customization tool that lets you pick various different shades for the laces, vamp, sole, etc. While obsessing over the “lovecore” aesthetic, which focuses on pink, red, and hearts, I decided I wanted a lovecore-lookin’ pair of casual shoes for running errands, going on walks, and so on, so I customized a pair of these low-tops that is aggressively pink and red. I call them my “high-femme clown shoes”!

They’ve been great for walking around the city, or just for jazzing up otherwise boring outfits.

 

Unique Vintage pink & red heart-print cardigan. Speaking of lovecore… In seeking out cozy items with a romantic aesthetic, I kept coming back to this cardigan. It’s long and oversized, in a cute slouchy way, and has pockets! After staring at it during multiple late-night online window-shopping sessions, I finally bit the bullet and bought it.

Since then, it’s usually lived on the back of my desk chair, ready to be draped around me whenever I get chilly while working. But I’ve also incorporated it into countless cozy outfits. It goes so well with a lot of my wardrobe and always makes me feel adorable. I wish the material was higher-quality – it’s a viscose/polyester/nylon blend – but hey, what can ya do.

 

What fashion and beauty items thrilled you most this year?

5 Things That Are Basically Porn For Me Now

Kate Sloan

It’s no secret that the coronavirus era has massively changed the way many people relate to their own sexualities. Some people are coming out as gay, bi, or pan; some are realizing they’re further toward the asexual end of the spectrum than they realized; some are trying new sex toys, kinks, or positions; some have forgotten what sexual desire in non-stressful times even feels like.

I find all of this deeply relatable and understandable. My own desire levels have waxed and waned countless times during the past year, but mostly they have waned. I’m still having sex regularly, due to the genius ministrations of my lovely spouse, who has read Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are cover to cover and thus understands how to turn on someone whose sexual brakes are engaged and whose desire is responsive, not spontaneous. But there are also non-sexual things I find nearly as exciting as sex these days, that help me relax and experience simple pleasures in much the same way as sex can.

I abhor those books and articles that joke “porn for women” can be pictures of men doing housework or childcare, as if 1) women have no inherent sexuality and 2) men being functional adults constitutes sexiness all on its own. So that’s not what I’m doing here (and if your domestic partner’s been doing all the dishes or scrubbing all the toilets lately, maybe go do some of that right now). But here are 5 non-sexual things that have consistently given me rushes of near-pornographic pleasure, relaxation, and satisfaction over the past year. They may not be as racy (or as stigmatized) as the most-viewed clips on the top porn sites, but they help me nonetheless.

 

1. Building Sims houses

I had resisted getting into The Sims 4 for ages, despite having adored the original games as a kid/teen, because The Sims 3 didn’t impress me all that much (I thought the open-world-ness of it all was weirdly out of step with the game I’d fallen in love with). But then the pandemic hit, and what was I gonna do, not buy a life simulation game that allows me to travel and socialize and go to work at a time when I couldn’t do any of those things IRL?!

There are a lot of things I love about this latest iteration of the game, most notably that they have better options for your Sims’ gender identity/expression and that there are several super inventive expansion packs, including one called Eco Lifestyle so your Sims can reduce their carbon footprint now (amazing). But the building part of the game is more versatile and fun than ever, so much so that entire communities have sprung up on YouTube, Instagram, etc. focusing on beautiful houses people have built in their games.

I think I find it relaxing and satisfying to build houses in The Sims because it gives me a huge amount of control, at a time when I feel very out of control in the rest of my life. It’s also really neat to watch Sims living their lives in a space I built from the ground up – kind of like how it can be gratifying to build a kink scene for a partner and then usher them through it.

 

2. Loungewear shops

I’ve written about loungewear a lot here over the past year, so I won’t repeat myself too much, but suffice it to say… most days I would rather slither into a crimson modal slip than slide into some Tinder beefcake’s arms (or DMs).

 

3. Flirty fanfiction

Something I learned about myself, in my earliest forays into non-monogamy nearly a decade ago, is that when I’m not allowed to date/kiss/fuck people other than my partner, it’s not the sex I miss most – it’s the flirting.

In fact, many times, I’d rather skip the sex entirely, which I know is not exactly a common stance in the non-monogamy community. But the sex I have with an established partner is so much better than the sex I have with randoms, in part because of my complex web of anxieties, fantasies, kinks, and physical limitations. It’s the flirty banter, the innuendo-laced double-entendres, the rising heat of my own blushing face that I miss most about dating other people.

But since I have neither the energy nor the vaccination status to do that stuff right now, fanfiction is one area where I’m able to live out those flirty fantasies and feel transported into a romantically intriguing life other than my own. Romance novels work great for this too, of course, but sometimes I just don’t have the mental wherewithal to spend time getting to know new characters; I just want to read about characters I already know and love, making each other giggle. Is that so much to ask?

 

4. Comedy, in all its many forms

The three things that got me through this pandemic, above all else: my spouse, my family, and comedy. It’s as simple as that.

Matt and I have torn through multiple comedy TV shows this past year; we’ve (re-)watched practically every comedy movie I’ve ever loved (most recently: School of Rock, an absolute masterpiece of poignant goofiness); we’ve laughed our asses off at weekly live improv shows over Zoom (PLEASE subscribe to the Bad Dog Comedy TV channel on YouTube if you’re into this!). My days and weeks have often felt structured around comedy, oriented towards it. Some people are “workin’ for the weekend”; I’m working to get through the day until I can watch Stephen Colbert or Maya Rudolph or Tom Hearn or Catherine O’Hara at night.

Matt sometimes semi-jokes that watching comedy together is the best foreplay for me, and I think they’re right on the money with that theory. It helps distract me from the troubles of the day, ease my physical and mental tension, and flood my body with endorphins. It made this year bearable for me, which is no small thing at all.

 

5. Poetry in the bath

Modern poets like Rachel Rabbit White, Shane Koyczan, and Zoe Whittall have inspired me deeply over the course of this pandemic. I’ve devoured their books, and various other poetry tomes, at lightning speed. I’ve even started writing poetry myself, something I hadn’t done with any degree of seriousness in many years, despite it being a favorite hobby in high school (I even won some contests and got published in some anthologies back then). It feels like a way to rediscover beauty in a world currently so stripped of it.

Reading poetry in the bath is particularly hedonistic. I’ll usually load up the tub with some scented bath salts, light a candle, and lay down in the hot water with my waterproof Kindle in hand. I take my time with each poem, trying to absorb its artful words and its layers of meaning. I build a little world for myself in the tub, glittering and beguiling, in a way that everyday life once was and might be again someday. It makes me feel like a normal human again, despite everything that’s going on.

Poetry “frees us from the tyranny of the sentence,” says Rachel Rabbit White; “poetry is play.” We could all use some freedom from tyranny after the year we’ve had. We could all use some play.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 12 Femme Essentials

Kate Sloan

It definitely feels weird to be doing my traditional year-end blog post series when it’s been such an utter shitshow of a year. I gotta admit, several times this year I considered just scrapping it, because the perceived frivolity of things like lipsticks, dildos, and sexy slowjams is enough sometimes to make ’em feel like futile topics to write about.

But here’s the thing: they’re not. I know that because, during the entire coronavirus debacle, between Zoom calls and doomscrolling sessions, we’ve turned to those supposedly “frivolous” things to give us comfort and joy, in an era where comfort and joy have been scarce. I’ve heard from countless readers this year telling me that my recommendations of movies, music, makeup, and sex toys have helped them in some way, so I figure I’ll write my yearly wrap-up as usual, though the year itself was not usual at all. We can use all the comfort and continuity we can get right now.

So, today I’m kicking off 12 Days of Girly Juice, with – as always – 12 fashion and beauty items that lit up my heart this year.

 

Shorter hair

I didn’t get to write about this last year because it actually happened a couple weeks after my post, so here it is: I’ve had short(er) hair for nearly a year and I love it! After a decade+ of having hair that ranged from mid-chest-length to hip-length, I cut mine to chin-length.

My bedhead is much more chaotic now than it was before, and I have fewer options available to me in terms of hairstyling, but overall I adore this length and probably won’t grow it out for a long while. It makes me feel much more “queer-looking” and much less invisible, and it’s fun to scrunch. Yay!

 

Blue satin Louboutins

It felt like fate when, late last year, while combing online vintage shops for something appropriate to wear to Tara‘s un-wedding, I stumbled across a pair of Louboutin Greissimo pumps in my favorite color and my exact size. My jaw dropped. They were too expensive for the likes of me, but were nonetheless on sale and very reasonably priced for Loubs, so my generous partner bought them for me as my “congrats on finishing your book!” present. I wore them to the un-wedding, needing to take sit-down breaks occasionally during the 4-5 hours we spent hobnobbing and drinking and flirting. They made me feel powerful and high-femme in all the best ways.

I’ve only worn them a handful of times since then, mostly at home for impromptu dress-up days and Zoom parties during quarantine, because they’re far too unwieldy and delicate for most outdoor adventures. But they’ve been displayed on my desk all year, and every time I look at them, I’m reminded that beautiful things can do wonders for my mood.

 

Tom Ford Cherry Lush lipstick

When my partner Matt and I exchanged anniversary gifts late last year, I opened one of mine and started laughing hysterically. It was this lipstick – and, as Matt discovered when they opened their next present, I had bought them the exact same one, in the exact same shade! We’d discussed our fondness for the luxe Tom Ford lipstick aesthetic at some point, but had never come to a conclusion about which color we preferred, so this was particularly unexpected.

Cherry Lush was probably my most-worn lipstick this year (possibly tied with Sugarpill’s Girl Crush, which I wrote about last year), because it’s absolutely gorgeous. A pink-leaning red that lives up to its name, it seems to work with just about any outfit and any makeup look. Plus it makes me and Matt so happy to wear matching lipstick when we go on dates!

 

Fabric face masks

No fashion accessory (if one can even call it that) defined 2020 so much as the face mask. It became a political battleground, an ethical statement, and a medical must-have. It also became one of the most noticeable fashion choices many of us would make each time we’d go out. You could’ve gone all 2020 without anyone outside your household seeing your choice of lipstick, or the pattern on your socks – but your rotation of masks was, very likely, a crucial part of your aesthetic for most of the year, whether you liked it or not.

I got most of mine from Etsy, including many from shops that are no longer in operation, probably because they got inundated with too many orders to handle. One of my favorite masks of the year was a white sequinned one from AvaReignCreations, which I bought to wear to my (outdoor, socially distanced) wedding. It felt like a nice bridge between the femme fanciness I’d been missing and chasing all year, and the grim reality of our current world. (Would love to hear about your favorite mask-makers in the comments if you’ve got recs, especially for smaller faces!)

 

My engagement and wedding rings

I mean, obviously! These are literally some of the most beautiful items I have ever owned, in any category. I’m so happy I get to wear them every day.

Matt wrote an extensive essay for me about the process of shopping for, and buying, my engagement ring. Unlike some brides, I didn’t really want to be involved in choosing the ring, beyond providing a few specifications – like that I wanted the stone to be aquamarine, and I didn’t want yellow gold. They looked at over 350 aquamarine rings both online and in person, and eventually decided the final selection had to be platinum, with a round stone surrounded by ethically-sourced diamonds. They ended up landing on a Tiffany & Co. sparkler that made me literally gasp when I first saw it.

I got to choose my own wedding ring, and after some deliberation, we decided to go back to Tiffany’s. I tried on several, and the one I ended up settling on is a platinum band with a diamond-studded, V-shaped indentation made to fit perfectly against my engagement ring. I am obsessed!

 

Agent Provocateur lingerie

Experimenting with financial domination was a really fun part of my sex/kink life this year. Matt bought me a couple different sets of luxury lingerie – one hot pink, one royal blue – each as part of a findom scene.

I feel immediately foxy whenever I wear any of these pieces. The bras create legendarily good cleavage – I even wore one of them under my wedding dress, because it makes me feel so beautiful and hot. The craftsmanship on AP stuff is truly wonderful!

 

J. Crew cashmere sweaters

A lot of J. Crew’s catalogue consists of perfect classics, and their “long-sleeve everyday cashmere crewneck sweater” is no exception. However, not all of the colors it comes in could strictly be considered “classic”!

At my behest as part of a financial domination scene (I’m sensing a theme…), Matt bought me one in “lustrous blue,” and later bought me another one in “neon fuchsia.” Words cannot describe how vividly-hued these sweaters are; in fact, even photos cannot truly capture the brightness. They are what Gala Darling would call “eye-gouging.” They are also supremely warm, divinely comfy, and ultra-versatile. I’m sure I’ll be wearing them all winter, and hopefully for several more winters to come.

 

Vintage silk floral-print robe

I fell immediately in love with this pink rose-print 100% silk robe/kimono when I saw it on the Etsy shop FlyGirlOutlet. I had been thinking a lot about cultivating glamour during quarantine – a difficult thing to do, to say the least – and had come to the conclusion that an elegant silk dressing gown would help enormously with that.

I wore this robe around the house a lot all year, and also, most memorably, over the aforementioned AP lingerie for a surreptitious stairwell photoshoot!

 

Coach Rambler bag

I bought a few different bags this year, but one of my faves has to be the Coach Rambler crossbody in a beautiful pinky-purple shade called “hibiscus.” I love this bag’s simple, 1960s-inspired silhouette, comfortably wide strap, and surprisingly roomy interior.

It’s certainly not an ideal bag for a maximalist, but during COVID I’ve mostly just been carrying around my wallet, phone, and maybe a book when I go out (as opposed to pre-pandemic when it mattered enormously to me that my handbags be able to fit a laptop or at least an iPad), so the Rambler has served me well this year!

 

Red heart-shaped glasses

Few things transform your appearance as swiftly as a new pair of glasses. When I saw that Zenni makes a red heart-shaped pair, I just couldn’t resist pursuing my dreams of looking like a grown-up, glamorous Lolita.

These specs get compliments everywhere I go, and make every outfit look a little quirkier and kookier. I adore them!

 

Sparkly black Ugg boots

Midway through this year I bought a pair of black sequinned Ugg boots, after suppressing the urge to buy Uggs for probably a decade. I only wear them indoors (which, apparently, is a must), and they keep my chilly feet incredibly cozy 24/7.

I think the moral of the story here is: fuck the fashion police. (And also the regular police, but I don’t think they care as much about Uggs.) If there’s an item of clothing you love – or think you would love – that would make your favorite fashion blogger or magazine editor shudder, who gives a fuck? They’re not the ones who are gonna be wearing it. You know yourself best – and your style is your choice.

 

False eyelashes

Yep, still enamored. With the bottom half of my face being out of view for so much of this year due to masks, I turned to bold eye looks… and lashes remain one of my go-to glamorizers on glum days.

I use Lilly Lashes glue, although most beauty experts swear by Duo, which I also own but haven’t tried yet. Sugarpill’s Saint lashes are the ones I wore on my wedding day – I love that they’re a mix of black and dark brown, because it makes them look (somewhat) more natural. These Sephora “Flirty” ones are also gorgeous. Don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here batting my eyes at cute people forever!

 

What fashion and beauty items helped get you through the year?

Our Wedding Outfits!

Kate Sloan
All of the beautiful photos in this post were taken by the supremely talented Ashe of Rose Glass Photography, who I would 100% recommend!

Supposedly every little girl grows up dreaming of her perfect wedding, and specifically, her perfect wedding dress. I haven’t found this to be very true in my friend groups, perhaps since so many people I know are queer and/or trans (and thus not prone to heteropatriarchally-rooted fantasies) or just don’t really care about weddings all that much. Personally, as a chronic romantic fantasizer, I was usually more moony-eyed about the idea of my perfect future spouse than I was about the dress I would wear. But I do have a wedding Pinterest board dating back years and years, so I guess at some point I hopped onboard the “dreamily musing about what I’ll wear to walk down the aisle” train.

The COVID-era wedding Matt and I threw together was initially so informal that I wasn’t even sure if I needed a specific outfit for it. I figured it would happen at a courthouse and would be more about signing documents and waiting in line than doing a full face of makeup and throwing a bouquet. One of the first nights we started planning it on the phone, I semi-joked, “I guess I probably have to buy a white dress, huh?” and Matt said, “Yeah! You should!”

Over the next couple of months, we cobbled together our outfits from various sources. We really like to match each other when we go out on dates, so we already had practice syncing up our color palettes. What resulted is a pair of outfits centered around white and blue, with little pops of red and pink here and there. Read on for all the juicy outfit details!

My outfit

The dress: I’ve always wanted a 1950s-style, knee-length wedding dress with a full tulle skirt, but to get it exactly right would require tailoring and a bunch of money, both things that are kind of tricky during a global pandemic. So I set aside that desire for the time being, figuring I could always splurge on my dream dress for the bigger wedding-y event we plan on having post-pandemic so all our friends and family can come party with us. I started looking at more practical and affordable options.

After scouring various online stores for a few days, I eventually settled on this ’50s-inspired A-line dress by Grace Karin. It’s a really classic fit-and-flare silhouette, the kind of thing I wear all the time, but getting it in white was special. I made sure to read a bunch of reviews before pulling the trigger, to make sure buyers thought it was well-constructed and not see-through (a common problem for white dresses), and the reviews were excellent, including some from people whose body shape and size were similar to mine. (I’m generally a size 10-12 and I bought this dress in a size L, if you’re wondering.)

When the dress arrived, I tried it on, and it fit perfectly and looked exactly how I’d hoped it would. I’ve always loved the 1950s aesthetic and was so glad I’d found such a lovely manifestation of it for my “big day”! It was also fortuitous that I only needed to spend $35 on it (!!), because our wedding was in a kinda muddy park and the waitress at our post-ceremony dinner accidentally squirted hand sanitizer on the front of my dress. I think she was pretty horrified, but I just laughed and said, “It’s totally okay, it only cost me $35!!”

The crinoline: While I used to rock crinolines as skirts in high school, I’m not sure I had ever really worn one the way they’re supposed to be worn – under an A-line dress to help it look fuller and more flouncy. But this dress really called for it, and your wedding is one of the days when you get to be unapologetically fancy if you want to, so I decided to go for it.

I got a pale blue one from the same brand, Grace Karin, for $26. Since this type of item is literally created to be voluminous, packing it in a suitcase was a challenge, but I figured it out eventually. I folded it up as small as it would get, stuffed it into a Ziploc bag, and stuffed that inside one of the packing cubes I had recently bought for just such an occasion. I had set aside one entire cube just for wedding clothes, so as to keep them separate from my regular clothes so I wouldn’t accidentally let Matt see them before the day itself.

The shoes: I had bought these pale blue Manolo Blahnik peeptoe sandals almost a year before, and the more that I looked at them, the more I thought they’d be the perfect wedding shoe. My dream pair prior to that had always been Melissa x Vivienne Westwood slingback heels with a red heart detail, but they’re discontinued so they get pretty pricey on eBay. I still think I might hunt down a pair at some point in the future.

The Manolos were a bit impractical, given that the temperature was starting to drop by the time our November wedding rolled around and the event itself took place in a park, where my heels kept sinking into the ground as I walked or stood – but I engaged some muscles I didn’t even know I had, and made it work! However, I did also have Matt stash my beloved Frye harness boots in their bag for me to change into after the ceremony. They looked surprisingly cute with the dress too!

The sash: The more I looked at my dress, the more I felt it should have some kind of belt. What can I say – I love a cinched waist! I considered getting this pale blue vintage leather Moschino belt, but it bugged me that it had gold hardware when all the other metallic tones in the outfit were silver. After a while, I opted instead to buy a 9-foot-by-2-inch length of pale blue satin ribbon to tie into a sash.

On the actual day, I looked up some YouTube tutorials on how to tie a wedding sash, but ultimately I abandoned them and just tied a regular bow, adjusting it until it looked right. I think it came out decently cute for a first try! (Should’ve practiced in advance, yes. Definitely.)

The cardigan: Due to the aforementioned dropping temperatures, I began to consider the possibility that I’d be too cold in just my wedding dress to truly enjoy myself at the event. This became even more of an issue once we settled on having a post-ceremony dinner on the patio of a nearby Italian restaurant, because (reasonably so) we and most of our guests weren’t too comfy with indoor dining, given the, y’know, public health crisis.

Just six days before the wedding, I ordered (secondhand through TheRealReal) this Tiffany-blue cashmere cardigan by Autumn Cashmere. I wanted something kind of dainty and feminine, but still warm enough to keep me cozy, and this fit the bill. I took it off for the actual ceremony, but wore it the rest of the time. I’ve worn it a bunch more times since then, too!

The bag: I didn’t strictly need a bag, and could have kept any personal items in Matt’s backpack (which they had to bring because it contained the marriage certificate, ceremony script, etc.), but hey, I’m a femme and I love bags. So I started looking around for one that would fit the vibe and color scheme of the event.

I’ve loved Rebecca Minkoff’s designs for years but had never owned anything from her, so I was excited when I saw this pale blue saffiano leather clutch of hers on TheRealReal. I love that it’s made to look like an envelope; it reminds me of love letters! The silver zipper-tooth edging also gives it a bit of toughness to balance out the delicate femininity of the color. I think all that was inside my bag during the wedding was my phone, my vows written out on notecards, some makeup items for touch-ups, and a bunch of Kleenex in case of crying!

The lingerie: I bought a set of white lacy lingerie from Avidlove for $20. The panties are high-waisted (very 1950s) and have a corset-esque lace-up panel in the back, which is why putting on my underwear was actually the part of getting dressed for my wedding that took the longest!

I ended up swapping out the bra for a blue one from Agent Provocateur. It felt more glamorous, gave me way better cleavage (look, we all have our own priorities!), matched my collar almost exactly, and had a connection to our romance because it’s part of a set Matt bought me as a financial domination task. I was worried it might show through the dress, because it’s a vivid royal blue, but the fabric was opaque enough that it didn’t turn out to be an issue.

The earrings: I wanted something pretty but very basic and not-cumbersome, since I don’t wear earrings all that often. The ones I went with are aquamarine-colored Swarovski crystals on a sterling silver backing, from an Etsy shop called UniqueGlassTreasures. Maybe one day I’ll get some real aquamarine ones…

The nails: My fingernails were painted with Revlon’s “To the Chapel” topped with Essie’s “Set in Stones.” The night before the wedding, Matt painted my toenails with Essie’s “Lacquered Up” while we watched TV. (Perks of having a foot fetishist spouse!)

The masks: Since we knew we’d have to wear masks for at least part of the day, we decided we should get fancy ones. I found these sequinned masks from AvaReignCreations on Etsy and totally fell in love. I got one for me in white and one for Matt in navy. Mine needed a little resizing, since I have a small-ish face, but fortunately all I had to do was tie a tiny knot at the end of each ear loop and it fit much better.

The makeup: Two of my fave beauty YouTubers, Jaclyn Hill and Lisa Eldridge, both have bridal makeup tutorials that I took a lot of cues from. For my eyes, I used a lot of different beige, brown, black, and nude shades from the LORAC Pro palette and the Morphe x Jaclyn Hill palette. (The latter has a shade called “S.B.N.” which stands for “smoky but natural,” because Jaclyn says when she was a professional makeup artist for hire, every bride seemed to ask for a look that was “smoky but natural”!) I did my usual black winged liner with MAC Liquidlast (the only thing I’ve tried that can truly stand up to my crying), and finished off the look with Sugarpill Saint false lashes.

I wore a Revlon foundation over a Bite Beauty primer. It was hard shopping for foundation during a pandemic – normally a makeup pro would test a bunch of different shades on your skin, but I didn’t feel comfy with that for hygienic reasons (and I’m not even sure if they’re still allowed to do that), so instead I just brought along my MAC concealer and matched it to a foundation at the drugstore, and it seems to have worked out fine. On top of those, I put some Laura Mercier translucent setting powder (holy grail for mattifying combo/oily skin!), Tarte blush in “Natural Beauty,” and Becca highlight in “Moonstone.” I contoured with NYX blush in “Taupe,” and set the whole thing with an ELF matte setting spray.

For my lips, first I filled them in with a red lip liner from the drugstore, and then I went over that with Tom Ford’s “Cherry Lush.” Matt and I both own and love this lipstick, and decided we both wanted to wear it to our wedding!

Matt’s outfit

The suit: This gorgeous navy suit is from Suitsupply. They wore it on our second date too, and I remember thinking, as we met up outside a Manhattan coffee shop, that I had never seen somebody look so handsome before! It’s made of wool and is really well-tailored, and it brings out the color of Matt’s eyes beautifully.

The shirt: One of the things I love about Matt is that they have an appreciation for fancy things, even when the fanciness won’t be noticeable to most people. This white Brooks Brothers dress shirt is exactly that sort of item. It has a really subtle herringbone pattern that’s only visible from up close, and adds a touch of luxury and style to what would otherwise be a pretty basic item.

The shoes: I love these shoes. Matt was wearing them on our first date and I commented on how shiny they were; little did I know, they were one of Matt’s favorite pairs, and one that they reach for when they want to feel fancy. They’re the Park Avenue oxfords by Allen Edmonds in the shade “Walnut.” Sometimes I wish I could pull off an oxford… Maybe someday!

The tie: Matt assigned me a task, a couple months before the wedding, to research some accessories they could wear for their outfit (ties, socks, pocket squares, etc.) and write a little bit about why each one would be a good pick. I had a few ties on my list (any other non-tie-wearing people weirdly love shopping for ties for loved ones?!), but one of my faves was this Liberty tie featuring white flowers on a pale blue background. I love that it’s an unconventional and somewhat androgynous choice, perfect for my offbeat nonbinary sweetheart.

The pocket square: Might be my favorite detail of the outfit! I was trawling TheRealReal and I stumbled across a secondhand silk Tiffany’s pocket square emblazoned with a blue and white map of Manhattan. It seemed like a perfect pick for my love, a long-time New Yorker and (as discussed) a big fan of subtly fancy details. Weirdly, I suggested this for Matt fully a month before I even knew my engagement ring was also going to be from Tiffany’s!

The socks: I picked out these navy and pink polka-dotted dress socks for Matt from the Tie Bar. They’re so much fun, and I love the way they subtly allude to the trans pride colors.

The pin: Speaking of trans pride… This sweet little trans heart enamel pin is from RisingVioletPress on Etsy.

The makeup: Matt kept it really simple – just some Glossier Boy Brow on their brows, and Tom Ford lip liner in “Charge” under Tom Ford lipstick in “Cherry Lush.”

Whew! That was a lot of outfit details. If you feel like leaving a comment, I would love to know what your favorite parts of your wedding outfit were, or what items you’d like to wear to your wedding if you ever have one!

Monthly Faves: Creeps, Couture, & California

Kate Sloan

This month was a wacky one: I traveled too much, worked too much, and had too much sex (okay, actually, maybe not enough). Here are some January highlights…

Sex toys

• I was so excited when I saw that We-Vibe has launched a new wand vibe, and when they offered me one to review. It does not disappoint: it’s waterproof and rechargeable, the vibrations are rumbly and strong, and you can use standard-sized wand attachments with it but it’s more ergonomic and sleek than your average wand. There are some problems with the controls scheme on mine (I’ll say more about that when I do a full review), but overall I’m quite pleased with this toy. Thanks, We-Vibe!

• Another We-Vibe thing: they sent me their new Chorus vibe in a vibrant, glittery pink (eee!) and my partner controlled it via the We-Connect app during a phone sex session. I’m very impressed with the motor, and with the way this toy stays connected to the app way more consistently than previous iterations. My partner still finds that the app is too buggy and imprecise for their style of dominance; hopefully We-Vibe will update it and smooth things out.

• I revisited the Zumio S this month after chatting with a Zumio employee at ANME and thinking, “Huh, I haven’t used that thing in a while.” The slightly wider tip really does help to diffuse this toy’s intense oscillations so they’re more tolerable for folks with sensitive clits like moi. Orgasms with this toy are always zanily intense!

Fantasy fodder

• I’ve dug into season 2 of Netflix’s You, a quirky dramedy about a pathological stalker and murderer who’s also a mega-romantic. It has been described as “Dawson’s Creek meets Dexter” and that’s pretty spot-on. There are a few sex scenes in this show, but my favorite and most-fantasized-about one will always be the first one with Beck from season 1, where (spoiler alert) our deranged hero Joe finally gets to bang the girl he’s been crushing on, and… comes, instantly. (As we’ve discussed, I definitely have a premature ejaculation kink!) That sense of desperation, of “I’m so lucky to be here” and “I can’t believe this is really happening,” gives me alllll sorts of kink feelings about Joe – and it’s especially interesting juxtaposed with the way he also seems to want to be a dom and/or a vaguely daddy-esque figure to the women he dates.

• One of my frequent fantasies while receiving oral sex lately has been about a sexual dystopia where clitoral suction – as opposed to a more licking-centric style of cunnilingus – is so stigmatized that you have to seek it out in secret from skilled underground practitioners. Why is my brain like this? I don’t know.

Sexcetera

• The deadline for my book was on the 17th, and I managed to get my draft submitted 2 days early! I’m still acclimatizing myself to having so much extra time and brain-space after working so hard on this project for months upon months… It’s supposed to come out in March 2021, so sit tight!

• It was lovely to be able to attend ANME Founders in Burbank this year – although admittedly, my body was not thrilled about the jet lag and long flights! In any case, I got to hang out with my best friend, see what’s new in the sex toy industry, and chat with some industry pals – all under the California sun. ☀️

• Sextistics: this month I had in-person sex 21 times and phone sex 9 times, totaling 30 sessions.

Fashion & beauty

• I was traveling for more than half of this month, so skincare became extra important to me – planes and stress turn my skin to garbage which, in turn, makes me feel like garbage! I’ve been enjoying Kate Somerville exfoliation products, and serums by The Ordinary.

• Been kinda obsessed with designer shoes lately. First there was the royal blue Loubs. Then there was the sky blue Manolos. Then there was the simple, pointy black Cole Haans. I think that’s all I need for now, but staring at fancy shoes online sure calms me down when I feel overwrought.

• In December, I cut my hair short! I love it. Products by DevaCurl have become must-haves for me now. Scrunch, scrunch, scrunch!

Media

• Did you know John Mulaney made a kids’ special called John Mulaney & the Sack Lunch Bunch? I expected it to be fairly silly, and it is, but it’s also stuck with me a lot since I watched it. Jake Gyllenhaal’s guest appearance as an unhinged music teacher is a highlight – but I gotta say, my favorite song in the show is definitely “I Saw A White Lady Standing On The Street Just Sobbing (And I Think About It Once A Week).”

• If you’re not listening to You’re Wrong About yet, you are MISSING OUT. I’m usually not much for podcasts that discuss historical or news events in painstaking detail, but this one is exceptional, not least because the two hosts are some of the most empathetic, thoughtful humans ever to sit in front of a microphone. Their current multi-part series on the O.J. Simpson trial is magnificent.

• Andy Shauf’s new album The Neon Skyline is the fictional, musicalized story of one drunken, heartbroken night at a Toronto dive bar. As with everything Andy writes, it’s lovely and occasionally devastating.

Little things

Ringing in the new year with kisses and eggnog in New Jersey. Being overdressed for Starbucks. Obliging doormen. Matt reading my book chapters aloud to me every night during the writing process. A big night out for family-style Italian food and Hamilton. Dirty gin martinis. Getting ridiculously dressed up for a very fancy party. Matt taking my heels off me and putting my flats on me in the lobby of a luxury hotel. Lovably persnickety bartenders. Getting to write about Tegan and Sara for Herizons mag (it’ll be in the next issue, I think). Surprising Matt with tickets to Little Shop for their birthday (it greatly surpassed my already-high expectations). John from Uberlube announcing “Who wants lube?!” and handing out bottles of the stuff. Strategizing over fast food lunches. Bex domming me back to our hotel room when I accidentally got way too high on California weed. Editing my book for 5 hours in the Burbank Marriott lobby, and then getting veggie pasta and Southsides while reading Oliver Sacks. Cashing big checks. Buying new glasses (much-needed). Jazz and cocktails at the Flatiron Room. Watching Jacqueline Novak rant about blowjobs for an hour. Meeting cool people from Twitter for good drinks and good conversation. A sweet needlepoint gift from Eric. Complimenting hospitality staff on being excellent at their jobs. Incredible seafood platters. Belgian waffles at Café Landwer. Rhea Butcher saying they bought “women’s vitamins” because no one makes non-binary vitamins yet. Getting the “couples’ seat” at the Bad Dog Theatre and laughing so hard my glasses fog up. One of our favorite bartenders announcing “Bubbles!!” and bringing us champagne. Watching Jeremy & Elsie Larson’s daughters grow up. Penn Badgley’s feminism. Microwaveable heating pads. Reliable vibrators. Long-term love.