shoes

The Most Beautiful Shoes in the World

Kate Sloan

“High heels are pleasure with pain.” -Christian Louboutin

Help. I’ve fallen in love with a pair of shoes.

I first became aware of the shoe designer Christian Louboutin in 2007, when my fashion-blogging heroine Gala Darling wrote, of some peeptoe Loubs she’d recently tried on, “Every girl needs a pair of shoes that make them feel like they’re having palpitations… [These] are the ideal shoe for drinking cocktails outdoors in the warm night air, surrounded by stars (in the sky & around you, darling) & cameras. Oh, yes.” Gala writes about clothes and accessories so evocatively, describing not only what to wear but also how to wear it, in what situations, in what spirit. I filed away this particular sentiment somewhere deep in my brain, assuming I would never own a pair of Louboutins – which can cost anywhere from $500 up to $4,000 a pair – but wanting, nonetheless, to feel that starstruck-summer-night feeling someday, in some shoes.

Weird, then, that 12 years later, I happened to see a pair of Louboutins on TheRealReal that were almost identical to the ones Gala had raved about, marked down 75%, and that I now own them.

See, my partner likes feet and shoes. In my mind, this sometimes gets lost in the shuffle amongst their numerous other kinks – I mean, who’s gonna fixate on the world’s most common fetish when there’s weirder stuff like hypnosis and crying to play with? – but it does come in handy sometimes. They did, for example, encourage me last summer to buy my now-beloved pair of red peeptoe clogs, and they’re always happy to offer opinions on socks, stockings, and shoes I’m considering snapping up. So I guess it makes sense that when I went on a Louboutin-ogling spree online recently and spotted these Lady Gres royal blue crepe satin pumps with a 4.75″ heel, my partner’s eyes practically bulged out of their head. (I can’t totally confirm that, because we were texting and not face-to-face at the time, but the highly enthusiastic texts spoke for themselves.)

“I could get them for like $230 with the current discount code on the site,” I wrote, “but I’m not sure I’m that committed to buying heels I would wear like 1-2 times a year.”

“Buuuut, like, maybe I am,” my beloved wrote back. “I gotta sleep on it.”

Three minutes later, they added, “Okay, I slept on it. This can be an early finished-your-book present.” I screamed.

I am much less critical of high heels these days than I would have been just a few years ago. While I’ve pretty much always been a “fuck it, do what you want” type of feminist when it comes to other marginalized people’s aesthetic choices, my own stance on heels for myself was predominantly that they weren’t worth the trouble. I’d wobbled through a femme awakening in high school, in cheap faux-leather pumps and agonizing ankle boots; I’d begrudgingly worn padded Naturalizer heels to a wedding, and occasionally clomped around in the aforementioned heeled clogs. Discovering the increased stability of ankle straps was a minor revelation, but for the most part, I eschewed heels for my signature Frye boots, often even when a dress code called for something less… equestrian.

But then I realized I was kinky, and a few years later, I read Summer Brennan’s excellent book High Heel. These two discoveries, taken together, formed the basis for my new understanding of heels: that wearing them could be sexy, pleasurable, and even feminist, despite – and sometimes because of – the pain and discomfort they cause.

See, for very good reasons, women’s pain is often interpreted as unfeminist. After all, we’ve endured pain of various sorts, underdiagnosed and underacknowledged, for millennia. We’ve broken our backs cooking and cleaning for ungrateful men. The patriarchy has crammed us into corsets and Spanx and, yes, heels. The pain systematically inflicted on women’s bodies is a political issue.

But I believe that when you can’t yet dismantle the game completely, one wise approach is to try to play it. Or maybe to cheat.

Enjoying wearing heels for masochistic reasons feels to me like cheating at the game of patriarchy, in the best way. It’s saying, “Okay, fine, I’ll do what you’re telling me to do – but only for my own perverted reasons, not for yours.” My ultra-feminist partner gets this totally – they would never force, coerce, or cajole me into painful shoes just to sate their fetishistic desires. They see my own inclinations toward fashionable masochism and just push me a little further in that direction. A dominant going “hubba hubba” has been the cause of many submissives’ silliest and most joyful decisions.

My Sir had the blue Louboutins (or “Blueboutins,” as I have admittedly been calling them sometimes) shipped to their apartment in New York, so they would be here by the time I arrived. My sweetheart presented them to me in a bright red gift bag that matched the shoes’ iconic soles, and then slipped them out of their slightly beat-up box and onto my feet. We both gasped and sighed and moaned like we were watching a particularly cinematic cum shot in a porn scene. The shoes were that good, that erotic.

The next day, my partner kneeling to gently kiss my satin-encased feet gradually transitioned into a full-on human furniture and trampling scene. I read aloud from an Augusten Burroughs book while digging my sharp heels into the exposed skin of my partner’s back. The shoes already fit my feet perfectly but I wanted to make them fit my life, my sexuality, and my personality too – and that meant making them into pervertibles of sorts. If you’re a kinkster and you spend $200+ on a fashion item you can’t also use as a sex toy, are you really getting your money’s worth?

The real challenge came the following day, however, when I wore the Loubs on a test run to the Starbucks around the corner from my Sir’s apartment. My Apple Watch says I walked less than half a mile round-trip fetching us breakfast and coffee, but by the time I arrived back home, I was panting and aching like I’d just crossed a precarious tightrope. It felt like I had. The shoes engaged muscles I didn’t know existed, and necessitated a glacially slow walk that made impatient New Yorkers veer around me with derisive huffs. I’d held onto Matt’s arm the entire time to keep myself upright, and the intimacy and kinkiness of that made this simple walk feel like a kink scene. Like a damsel in bondage, I was reliant on my partner – and my own sheer skill and resilience – to get me through the experience. It was submission and masochism and deference – not only to my dominant but to the shoes themselves – and it was delicious.

I’m not saying high heels are empowering for everyone. They’re not even wholly empowering for me. Obviously they wouldn’t be right for a situation where I had to dance, or run, or even walk quickly. I wouldn’t wear them to an event that called for me to be a staunch, savvy badass, just as I wouldn’t give a valedictorian address in fetishwear – it wouldn’t put me in the right headspace and it just wouldn’t be appropriate. But they’re perfect when it comes to the purposes I wanted them for: turning my dominant’s face into a heart-eyes emoji and elevating me into the strong submissive I want to be.

12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 8 Brilliant Books

Kate Sloan

This instalment of 12 Days of Girly Juice used to highlight my favorite things I tweeted all year, but you know what? I’d rather talk about books. (However, if you were wondering, my favorite tweets of the year were definitely this one and this one.)

I read 40+ books this year and loved lots of them, so this is hard – but here are my 8 top picks!

You Know You Want This by Kristen Roupenian

From the author of the viral story “Cat Person” came this tour de force, a collection of short stories about the complexity of consent. Within these pages are several tricky fictional situations centering around sexual sadism, relational autonomy, erotic humiliation, and more. Several times while reading this book, I had to put it down and ponder: What do I think this character should have done, ethically? What decision would I have made in this situation? This book is so timely, what with the concept of consent being debated and dissected all over the place due to the #MeToo movement, and I think these stories are useful thought exercises for those of us concerned with parsing what consent and non-consent really mean, and what their limitations might be.

The Collected Schizophrenias by Esmé Weijun Wang

When I first read Esmé’s essay “Perdition Days” years ago, I thought it was one of the most striking things I’d ever read. It chronicles her time living with Cotard’s delusion, a belief that (in her case) one is dead, and that the people in one’s life are merely purgatory’s facsimiles of their living counterparts. Esmé painted an incredibly affecting picture of what this delusion felt like from the inside, and how it impacted those around her. She went on to write The Collected Schizophrenias, a collection of essays (including “Perdition Days”) which discuss her life with chronic mental and physical illness, and the various dilemmas and struggles therewith. I found myself crying on the subway while reading Esmé weigh the decision to have kids or stay childless; I marveled at her reporting on chronic lime disease and the way its sufferers are frequently dismissed and disbelieved; I revelled in the bravery it must have taken for her to write about these things, and the artfulness with which she has done so. This book has stuck with me in ways I can’t even articulate, and I’m so glad it exists.

High Heel by Summer Brennan

You won’t read a more thorough history of the high heel than this – but this book is so much more than that. It discusses the iconic shoe in relation to politics, gender, sexuality, pain, music, film, fashion, and more. I notice people’s shoes a lot more now than I did before reading this book – and I’m more intentional about my own choices in that regard, too. I like Summer’s nuanced conclusion that high heels aren’t necessarily oppressive and evil like many feminists argue – they can instead be a freely chosen expression of identity that many people find affirming and uplifting.

Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me by Mariko Tamaki and Rosemary Valero-O’Connell

I saw this book retweeted onto my Twitter timeline and my interest was immediately piqued. A gorgeously illustrated story about queer high-school heartbreak? Yes please! I cried multiple times while reading this immensely beautiful graphic novel, because the feelings of rejection, insecurity, unworthiness, and ultimately resilience were so familiar to me, from both my queer relationships and my “straight” ones. The pleasure of reading this book was equal parts emotional, intellectual, aesthetic, and tactile – a rare thing!

Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell

If you read only one book on non-monogamy, make it this one. Dr. Liz lays out all the common pitfalls of this relationship style and how to deal with them. Their book is written with compassion and vulnerability, and is full of useful stories from Liz’s own dating life that illustrate the principles they teach. I feel much more equipped to handle non-monogamy after reading this book, and I’ve recommended it to countless people. It’s just that good.

Night Film by Marisha Pessl

I love a good murder-mystery, and that’s exactly what this novel is. An investigative journalist sets his sights on figuring out why and how the daughter of a prominent horror movie director died. In the process, he picks up a couple of sidekicks, wanders through revered movie sets, chats with a drug-addled movie star, breaks into abandoned buildings, swans around Manhattan penthouses, sneaks onto an estate in a canoe, and basically just gets up to some good old-fashioned hijinks. Marisha Pessl is a gifted (and often hilarious) writer, and I was captivated by this story from beginning to end.

Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino

This book got a lot of attention around its launch, and for good reason. Tolentino’s painstakingly constructed essays dive into precarious topics like the wedding industrial complex, the absurdity of reality TV, activewear as capitalist fetishwear, and more. Every piece in this book is incisive, witty, evocative, and meticulously researched. Reading it probably made me smarter, and definitely made me feel smarter.

The Wagers by Sean Michaels

I’m biased because Sean is my cousin, but this novel is really extraordinary. It’s primarily about luck – what does it mean to be lucky, and how can one become moreso? – but is also about love, and family, and fame, and privilege, and the grocery business. I love a twisty plot, and this one frequently made me shout “OH SHIT” while reading in cafés or on the subway (whoops). I fell in love with the characters of this strange novel, and couldn’t wait to find out what would happen to them next.

What were your favorite books you read this year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2018: 12 Femme Essentials

Kate Sloan

Hello! Today kicks off 12 Days of Girly Juice, my yearly 12-part wrap-up of the things I loved most throughout the year. Over the next month, I’ll be sharing my fave sex toys, events, sexual encounters, and so much more from 2018! Today’s edition, however, is about something much simpler: femme delights! Read on to find out which fashion and beauty items I most adored in 2018.

Aimanté

Last year I waffled about my preferred perfumes, writing about 7 different ones instead of picking One Scent to Rule Them All. This year, however, there is a clear choice topping my list of fragrance faves: Aimanté, the bespoke scent my boyfriend commissioned Stephen Dirkes of Euphorium Brooklyn to make me for my birthday.

Dirkes described the scent thusly: “The rich fragrance of ripe blood orange and brilliant red geranium create a feminine opening. Middle notes of sweet honeyed balsams and sparkling amber are given texture with a hint of dark cocoa and patchouli. The earthy roots of vetiver provide a dark grounding for the accord.” My nose isn’t sophisticated enough to pick out the individual notes; all I know is that it’s an impossibly feminine and sexy scent. It feels more “me” every time I wear it, and I’ve worn it a lot.

It feels like a miracle that I am the only person in the world who gets to wear this exact formulation and that I love it so much. It also feels like a gift, each and every time I spritz on some Aimanté, that someone in the world loves me enough to have given me this beautiful thing that brightens my days.

MeUndies lounge pants

These are the real MVP of my freelance-writer wardrobe. I own two pairs – one in basic black, and one in a Christmasy red plaid – and I wear them all the time when I’m bummin’ around the house. They are divine.

I must say, I’m not a fan of pants as a category, so I balked a bit at the idea of spending $60 for a pair. (It should go without saying that I was never a Lululemon or Adidas girl!) But I’ve worn these so much that they’ve become worth it to me on their cost-per-wear ratio alone. The modal is super soft, the cut is lovely and flattering, and each pair has FOUR POCKETS. (As a hyperfemme, I am always thrilled by pockets.) The holy grail of lounge pants, truly!

L’Amour-Propre collars

I would be remiss not to mention one of my most-worn accessories of the year, my collar. Strangely, I already owned a L’Amour-Propre collar before I even met my Sir – a turquoise one – but we decided, upon meeting and becoming serious about our D/s dynamic, that we wanted one that would be just ours. So we settled on a royal blue suede one, and later upgraded to a royal blue leather one.

These collars are lovely, simple, eye-catching, kinky-looking but not too over-the-top to wear in everyday situations, and comfortable enough for all-day wear. They’re everything I want and need in a collar.

CowCow dresses

I discovered this affordable brand on Amazon this year and was quickly smitten. They make flattering A-line dresses in a myriad of wacky prints and a wide range of sizes, for reasonable prices. Some of my favorites: a purple one with pink and purple kiss-prints, a rainbow one, and one in my signature turquoise and pink.

When I was younger, I resisted adopting a “style uniform,” because I wanted every day’s outfit to be eclectic and unexpected. But I’ve come around to the practice of dressing more-or-less all the time in a way I know flatters me and makes me feel great. No matter what’s going on in my head or in the world, a fit-and-flare dress and a pair of kickass boots are a combination I feel stellar in.

Coach Mercer satchel

I bought this late last year as a little self-care treat during the brief window of time when I had a sugar daddy and thought I might continue having one for the foreseeable future (womp womp). It’s a wee little open-top leather satchel, just barely big enough to fit my laptop, wallet, journal and pen – the exact right size, therefore, for my purposes.

I love the robin’s-egg blue color; it’s ladylike yet fun. I love the softness of the leather, always one of my favorite qualities of Coach bags. And I love that it’s a little piece of luxury I bought myself when I was able to. Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself!

Wythe Hotel T-shirt

I bought a commemorative shirt from the hotel where my boyfriend first told me he loved me, because I am a sap. I didn’t know, however, when I ordered it, that I would end up wearing it at least once a week. It’s soft and comfortable and it reminds me of a very happy memory. What’s not to love?

Lotta From Stockholm peeptoe clogs

I bought these on the advice of a foot fetishist, who is, shall we say, biased. They are yellow and sexy and comfortable and perfect. They are my new go-to summer shoe. Thank you, Lotta, whoever you are.

Sugarpill liquid lipsticks

I have a couple of these – one in hot pink, “Girl Crush,” and another that is equally bright pink but laced with gold glitter, from a limited-edition set Sugarpill issued this year. Both are packaged adorably and make me feel like a sparkly megafemme when I apply them.

Unlike many liquid lipsticks – and I’ve tried lots, being a blowjob lipstick aficionado – the formula of these makes them feel feather-light on the lips, so much so that I sometimes forget I’m wearing one. They’re not quite friction-proof enough to have passed the blowjob test, and they don’t even hold up that well through food and drink, but I don’t mind reapplying them in public. I mean, have you seen the cute packaging on these?!

Maybelline SuperStay Matte Ink in “Pioneer”

This was a recommendation from Rae and I’m so glad I listened to them. I’ve been looking basically all my life for a perfect red lipstick, one that’s bright and cool-toned and opaque and actually stays on, and this is it. As with many liquid lipsticks, it’s dry and drying, and takes a little while to dry once applied, but those are my only complaints about it. If this lipstick was a person, I would give it lots of kisses.

Gap cashmere cardigan

I’ve searched for the perfect black cashmere cardigan for a long time; it’s a surprisingly tall order. I prefer V-neck ones, because I usually wear cardis unbuttoned and don’t like how a high collar looks that way. I also need my cardigans to have long sleeves (though I often roll ’em up) and I like a classic, feminine, curve-hugging cut. Almost no one makes this type of thing!

However, the Gap made one briefly last year, and had a sale that made the $150 price tag slightly more palatable to me, so I bought it. It’s actually perfect. It’s exactly what I wanted. It goes with every outfit. Living in a cold climate calls for cashmere, IMO, and I usually get mine vintage ‘n’ cheap, but I was happy to spend more than I normally would on such a flawless, indispensable basic.

IT Luggage turquoise suitcase

Okay, you might not think a suitcase counts as a femme accessory, but when you travel a lot and/or are in a long-distance relationship, it does! Bored of the basic black one I’d been hauling around for years – and of squinting in vain at the luggage carousel post-flight, trying to figure out which bag was mine – I snapped up this one by IT Luggage, in my favorite shade of vivid turquoise. Upon receiving it, I immediately tied a hot pink bandana to the handle, making it truly mine.

This suitcase is light, roomy for its size, and aesthetically delightful. I get supremely stressed out when I travel, but this bag makes the whole experience about 12% more fun, so I consider it to have been a worthwhile investment.

Frye engineer boots

These are – it must be said – immensely kinky-looking. I feel like a lithe domme whenever I wear them: like someone should be kneeling in front of me, cleaning and shining my boots while I page through a glossy magazine.

My long-beloved Frye harness boots finally kicked the bucket this year – a cobbler pronounced their soles unsalvageable – so I’ve been wearing these engineer ones a lot instead. They’re more grown-up-looking than my usual style, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this scrappy kinky femme is finally becoming a sophisticated kinky femme.

What fashion/beauty items did you love this year?

Monthly Faves: Hypnosis & High Heels

Kate Sloan

July was beautiful, sunny, and happy! Here are some of the sexy things I loved this month…

Sex toys

• As I’ve told you before, I recommend my Sir a sex toy every month as part of a protocol we have. This month I suggested the Oxballs Spyro, a thuddy-as-fuck aluminum and silicone impact implement with a spiral emblazoned on it. We’re both into spanking and hypnosis, so this seemed like an ideal toy for us to use together (though I don’t know how practical the spiral on this toy is for actual hypnokink)!

• Speaking of spirals… My Mad Toto sleep mask got a lot of use this month – not only to help me sleep but also as part of a sensory deprivation scene I did with my Sir. He put this blindfold on me, along with a big pair of noise-canceling headphones playing one of my favorite instrumental albums (see the media section, below), cuffed me to my bed with my under-the-bed restraints, and proceeded to do all sorts of creative and pleasurable things to me. It was fun to fulfill a long-time fantasy of mine with someone I trust completely.

• Still loving my Weal & Breech purpleheart truncheon, and a similar wooden bat I own from Kronic Sensations. I generally prefer thuddy impact but I like how subspacey I get when hit with stingy implements, so I like that this type of toy strikes a good balance between those two extremes.

Fantasy fodder

• The phone sex I have with my Sir often reminds me of improv, in that we both have theatre training so we’re well used to spinning small suggestions into full-blown, vividly-imagined stories. (Lots more on that in a blog post series next week!) This month I was idly chatting with him on the phone about how I want to get my heart tattoo touched up sometime, and somehow that turned into me picturing him being the tattoo artist administering pain to that erogenous zone via a hot needle – which, of course, turned into a phone-sex scene about exactly that. I love that roleplay allows us to engage in high-stakes flirtation the likes of which would normally be impossible in an established relationship like ours, and that I get to see different sides of this person I love refracted in the characters he plays.

• I had a truly “wow, kink can be sooo romantic!” experience this month when Sir and I were hanging out in a beautiful park and no one else was around, so we decided to do a hypno scene real quick. (Carpe perversum, I say, i.e. always seize the opportunity to be a pervert.) He had me lay my head in his lap and took me down into a nice relaxing trance to the sounds of wind, distant traffic, and his sweetly, familiarly dominant voice. I love finding moments of kinky connection in public places, these little bubbles of intimacy that feel impenetrable to anyone but the two of us.

• (Content note: consensual non-consent, i.e. “rape” scenes.) My Sir and I have been discussing con non-con roleplays we could try, and recently decided it would be fun to do a scene where he gives me a long, relaxing massage (we both have kink feelz about massage and relaxation) until I’m so chilled out I can hardly move or talk, and then he “takes advantage of me.” We didn’t actually get around to doing this scene this month but I’ve been thinking about it a lot because it’s a synthesis of so many things I find hot…

Sexcetera

• Some of my work elsewhere this month: I was interviewed for Adultsmart about blogging, time management, sex education, and more. On our podcast, Bex and I talked about dry spells and celibacy, underrated sex acts, and exhibitionism and group sex, and interviewed Marcia Baczynski about sexual communication. I wrote about first-date mistakes, choosing online dating profile photos, and banishing pre-date nerves for RateDesi. And most excitingly: I won the Excellence in Bisexual Coverage award from the Association of LGBT Journalists!

• This coming Thursday, I’ll depart for the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit! Looking forward to seeing my blogger babes, speaking on a panel, doing a live Dildorks recording, and sharing a king-size hotel bed with my darlin’. It’s gonna be a blast! (If you’re going too, please come say hi if you spot me!) Major shout-out to the three sponsors who’ve helped fund my trip: SheVibe, Peepshow, and Friction.

Femme stuff

• Everyone’s been talking about The Ordinary for ages in skincare-land, and I finally hopped on that bandwagon this month by trying out their squalane. I mix a couple drops into my regular moisturizer, and it makes my skin feel soft and healthy.

• I got my hair color darkened up and feel so much better about it. Greyish roots begone! (My hair’s always done by Paul Taylor at Avalon; he’s a genius.)

• I am not normally a heels person, but bored to death of my go-to Frye boots, I’ve been trying out some more seasonally appropriate footwear options this month – mainly my yellow Lotta From Stockholm clogs and black Naturalizer pumps. Sometimes I don’t mind the wobbling and aching that comes along with wearing heels for me, because they make me feel so damn cute.

Media

• My friend Eva makes fantastic sex ed videos on YouTube. I particularly enjoyed this one about internalized biphobia and bisexual stereotypes.

• When we were planning our sensory deprivation scene (see above, in the sex toys section), my Sir asked me what I wanted to listen to in my headphones, and I immediately replied: The BQE by Sufjan Stevens. It’s “a cinematic suite inspired by the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway and the Hula-Hoop,” and it’s some of the most beautiful instrumental music I’ve ever heard. (Sleeping Invader and Traffic Shock are my favorite tracks, FYI, but you should really listen to the whole thing sometime because it flows together wonderfully.)

• I enjoyed reading Hallie Lieberman’s book Buzz: A Stimulating History of the Sex Toy. There are some valid criticisms of this book (mainly the way it glosses over or totally erases queer and trans folks’ role in this story) but I think it’s a decent overarching history of how the sex toy industry came to be.

• The Punch Brothers (whose sexy, baroque-influenced bluegrass music I’ve written about before) have a new album out: All Ashore. As per usual for them, it’s full of haunting melodies, clever lyrics, and stunning instrumentation. Chris Thile should consider making out with me. I’m just sayin’.

Little things

Canada Day in the park with Max and my mom. Summer sunsets. Sir sending me cute enamel pins as a reward for submitting some outstanding tax forms. Grooving to Christina Aguilera tunes with Sarah. An enthusiastic enby buying me a shot at a karaoke bar. This version of “Saw You in a Dream.” Sir singing to me over the phone. Laughing so hard my menstrual cup falls out. Writing a new song as part of a D/s task. Sir making me a Twitter bot that tweets things which sound vaguely like things I would tweet (SO FUNNY). Solo cocktail dates with my journal and/or a book. Interviewing my Sir for a blog post series (just you wait!). Meeting Sir at the airport like the sappy romantic I am. Fancy date nights with my love. The steakhouse waitress who kept directing all her menu spiels to me even though Sir was ordering everything (I love her feminist chutzpah). Sitting in the “couples’ seat” at the Bad Dog. Stephin Merritt’s Project Song. Restocking my condom basket. Sir knowing all my sounds. People who react well to nudes. Brooklyn Nine-Nine headcanons. Renewing my theatre subscription. Drinking a gin smash and listening to jazz while writing about vibrators (the perfect evening).

Monthly Faves: Delirium, Dominance, & a Dragon Tail

Kate Sloan

I had an active, mostly-happy month, sexually and otherwise! Here are some highlights from June…

Sex toys

• Late last year at a sex-industry tradeshow, I picked up a black leather bat from Viktoria Creations. I’d barely used it at all until this month, when my partner specified one night during phone sex that he wanted to hit me with “something thuddy” and a lightbulb illuminated over my head. This baton is made of leather wrapped around a firm core and Viktoria describes it as “the ultimate thud” that “will bruise any butt” (uh, can confirm). If you like your impact sensations to be all thud and no sting, you’d adore this one!

• I’ve wanted to own a Wartenberg wheel for a long time, but never quite enough to justify actually buying one. But then I spotted a rainbow one at an Aslan Leather sale and knew immediately that it was destined to be mine. This type of toy pairs really well with bondage and sensory deprivation!

• Tantus sent me their new impact toy, the Dragon Tail. (I love when companies know me well enough to be like, “We made a super painful hitty thing; YOU WANT IT, RIGHT?!”) One end is mega-stingy and the other end is much thuddier. It’s a versatile little workhorse of an implement!

Fantasy fodder

• Forever fantasizing about being a schoolgirl who’s seducing, or seduced by, a teacher. My Sir and I did a phone-sex scene along these lines this month (not uncommon for us) and I was struck by the fact that we each seemed to have a different idea about how old I was in the scene and it didn’t actually affect the proceedings that much. (I felt like I was about 12 and he seemed to be addressing me like a university student. Ah well, actual 12-year-old me was a pretty precocious know-it-all, anyway.) He also made me burst into tears during the scene by telling his diligent student, “Your writing in my class is fantastic. Maybe you’ll write a book someday.” Gotta love how good doms can simultaneously turn you on and encourage you in your ambitions…!

• This month my Sir made me come with his mouth for the first time – always an important relationship milestone for me and my dainty clit, and one that the vast majority of my partners haven’t even achieved. It’s only possible with an alchemical combination of stamina, enthusiasm, trust, and knowledge of my body – all qualities I find super hot, so I’ve been thinking about it a ton since then.

• A highlight of my sex life this month was pegging my Sir with my pink Aslan Leather harness and pink sparkly Godemiche Ambit. I keep thinking about how hot it was that he came so easily and quickly once I was inside him, like the intensity of it surprised him. I was surprised, too, by how much I liked it.

Sexcetera

• Some of my work elsewhere this month: I was interviewed on Newstalk 1010 about government-funded feminist porn. I wrote about female submission and rope suspension for the Andrew Blake blog. I listed some gender-neutral oral sex tips over at the Ignite blog. I explained how to write a good first online-dating message and what to ask on a first date for RateDesi. On our podcast, Bex and I discussed coming out and interviewed DJ Pynchon about hypnokink, Pup Amp and Pup Dane about puppy play, and Sinclair Sexsmith about protocol and punishment.

• This month I was the demo bottom for my friend Taylor‘s Introduction to Impact Play workshop at Kink Toronto. I always enjoy getting slapped around for educational purposes!

• Delighted to have been asked back to Bed Post again. This month I was the resident sexpert at both performances of the show, answering audience questions about all kinds of kinky proclivities, from DD/lg to fisting to bondage. Yay, fun!

Femme stuff

• Summer is the season for slutty rompers. I need to buy several more, methinks.

• I enjoy Rachel Syme’s suggestion of using particular perfumes as your “bath scent.” As she points out, you have to do this with fragrances you’re not that into (or that weren’t expensive at all) because it requires using large quantities of the stuff so you don’t wanna waste something actually nice, unless you’re some Richie Rich motherfucker. I have this ancient bottle of a pale blue cologne called “Pyramid” which is a cheap-ass knockoff of Armani Code, and that’s been my favorite “bath scent” lately. I spritz about 10 sprays into the faucet stream and then I get to feel as though a hot young businessman has joined me in the tub.

• All hail my new yellow clogs from Lotta From Stockholm. I like how adorable they look juxtaposed with my pink thigh tattoos, and also I like how they draw the eyes of partners who have a foot kink…

Media

• I was craving young-adult dystopian novels this month, so I did some Googling and eventually discovered Lauren Oliver’s Delirium trilogy. It’s set in a world where love is understood to be a disease, and where people are forcibly surgically “cured” of the capacity for love when they come of age. Pretty scary stuff, and definitely thought-provoking if you’re a relationships psychology nerd like me.

• The ever-charming John Mulaney’s latest comedy special, Kid Gorgeous, is a fucking triumph. I watched it once with my mom and once over the phone with my Sir and adored it both times. Mulaney’s one of my favorite storytellers. His bit about how Trump’s presidency is like a horse getting loose in a hospital is frighteningly apt.

• My current fave song is “Saw You in a Dream” by the Japanese House. This band’s dreamy, androgynous vibes feel perfect for mellow summer days.

Little things

Drinking whiskey on the rocks in the front row of improv shows. Sir helping me with tax forms. Craft beers with my rope bondage beau. Nanaimo bars. Doing karaoke with rad people at Dan‘s birthday party. Exercising my democratic right. Sir buying me a fan because my room is way too warm (what a prince). Pre-show solo dinners at Soulpepper. The totally brilliant Gregory Prest. Having a full plate of copywriting clients. Margaritas at any opportunity. Sir sending me flowers for our six-monthiversary. Hanging out with my bruddy. Brent reading me hilarious things over the phone. Mr. Accident, a “good-bad movie” if there ever was one. Sex puns (always). Sir copyediting me on Twitter. Making him his own tag on my blog, at his request. Touching thighs under the table. Drinking rosé in a grassy back yard at sunset. Henry nerding out over Mozart and vintage pianos. Negronis (in Negroni season, no less). Afternoon co-working/phone-sex dates with my love. Bar bathroom selfies. How much I love love love working from home, even on days when I’d rather not be working at all.