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When Should You Have Sex With a New Person You’re Dating?

Kate Sloan
Photo by my lovely wife mb. Just imagine this is me trying to decide whether to take you home after a date or send you on your way…

Have you ever heard of the “three-date rule,” i.e. the idea that you should wait until the third date to have sex with a new person? I think I first encountered it in some hackneyed sitcom or rom-com, and I remember feeling confused by the very notion. How could you standardize that decision, I wondered, to the point of being able to put it on a calendar? Wasn’t it person-dependent and situation-dependent? Shouldn’t sex progress at the pace of both people’s comfort, whether that’s fast or slow or anywhere in between?

Admittedly, I wasn’t sexually active yet, so I was pondering these questions in a theoretical way, without any real-world experience to inform my thinking. But when I did start having sex, that was indeed how I approached it: no set timeline for when it should or shouldn’t happen, aside from “when we both want it to.” I’ve had sex on first dates when the vibes were right, and I’ve also waited months to have sex with someone, either due to logistical factors like distance, or because it took that long to build the amount of comfort and rapport that one or both of us needed. The timing of first times is as variable as sex itself, and I think most people would benefit from flexibility in this regard, rather than clinging to rigid rules.

That being said, I think there are some interesting arguments on all sides of this debate, so today I thought I’d explore some of the pros and cons of waiting a while to have sex with a new person. Let’s dive in (or tiptoe in slowly, if you prefer)!

 

Pro: More time to develop a sense of comfort & safety

For some of us, sexual arousal and excitement can’t really exist until comfort and safety have been established. Hell, I don’t even feel able to be authentically me until those things are established. Early dates can easily put me into a performative, “customer service”-y frame of mind, because I haven’t yet determined whether this is a person I can safely relax and be myself around. When I’m in that headspace, I have so little awareness of my own desires and bodily sensations that I can’t even effectively determine if I’m attracted to someone or not, let alone whether I want to have sex with them. But once I’ve spent some time waiting for intimacy to develop, my anxiety starts to lift, and I feel more able to discern what I want, and to ask for it without (much) fear of it going awry.

 

Con: Sex is great & you shouldn’t have to deny yourself sexually

A lot of the arguments against having sex “too early” are extremely gender-essentialist, heteronormative, and (dare I say it) heteropessimistic. Dating guides for women often say something like, “Making a man wait for sex is a good way to test whether he actually likes you and is in it for the long haul.” I take issue with the core assertion underlying this advice, which is that men care about sex and women don’t, so women can gain power over men by denying them sex.

You know what you actually get when you deny men sex? Zero sex! (Or at least, zero sex with those men…) That’s okay if you don’t care about sex, or if you’re sufficiently satisfied by your solo sex life that you don’t particularly crave partnered sex at the moment – but if you like sex, and want it, and hope that it’ll be a significant aspect of any relationship(s) you get into, then it makes no sense to withhold that from yourself. What could be less feminist, in fact, than denying yourself pleasure because of how men might perceive it?

 

Pro: More time for attraction to build

Some of us – myself definitely included – develop attractions slowly over time, rather than instantaneously on sight. This is one of the reasons one-night stands don’t work for me (and trust me, I’ve tried): while sex without attraction can sometimes be fun, it’s not hot for me, and it’s not what I want at this point in my life. So I need to know someone decently well before I’ll want to have sex with them. These days I’d always rather wait than risk rushing into sex that ends up making me feel uncomfortable or grossed out.

 

Con: You should assess sexual compatibility ASAP to avoid wasting time

Picture this: You let a fun flirtation simmer for weeks, or even months, until the yearning hits critical mass and you just have to fuck… but then you do, and it becomes immediately clear that they’re a submissive and you hate domming. Or they refuse to give oral sex and it’s the only way you can get off with a partner. Or they’re uncomfortable with you using your favorite vibrator during sex. Or the way their kisses taste is off-putting to you on a pheromonal/gut level. I could keep listing potential sexual mismatches forever, but you get the idea!

Early dating is largely about assessing compatibility, and for most of us, sex is a fairly important thing to be aligned on. So I completely understand why some people prefer to have sex sooner rather than later, so as not to risk the heartbreak and disappointment of becoming emotionally invested in a round peg that’ll never fit your square hole.

 

Pro: More time for STI testing & important pre-sex conversations

Depending on your safer sex boundaries and when each of you was last tested, either or both of you might want to get a panel done before you start having sex. That can take time – in my city, you can often get results back within a few days or less, but that’s assuming you’re able to get an appointment quickly (if needed) and have enough spare time in your schedule to go ASAP, which may not always be the case.

Aside from discussing STI status/testing, you may also want to discuss other matters of relevance before having sex for the first time, such as your kinks, fantasies, limits, and triggers. These conversations are important and I prefer to be able to take my time with them, instead of feeling rushed.

 

Con: Sex makes you feel more attached to each other

Contrary to the popular (and problematic) belief that a man will only develop romantic desire for a woman if she makes him wait for sex, the neurochemicals released during and after sex actually help a lot with bonding and intimacy. (And not just for straight people, either – for everyone!) So if you’re dating someone new and it’s going well, you might be able to take things to the next level emotionally by taking things to the next level physically.

 

Pro: …Sex makes you feel more attached to each other

Yep, it’s both a pro and a con! Sparkly sex neurochemicals can make you view your new paramour through cum-colored glasses. If you want to stay as level-headed as possible while riding the infamous New Relationship Energy wave, you may prefer to postpone sex until the initial romantic reverie has dissipated a bit. Otherwise you could end up smitten with someone who, it turns out, doesn’t treat you well or isn’t a good match.

 

Dear readers, what do you think of all this? Do you have any personal policies about when to have sex with a new person, or do you just play it by ear? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Velora Dune banana-shaped vibrator

Kate Sloan

What is the Velora Dune?

Canadian sex toy retailer Velora’s Place asked me to review their Dune vibrator, which is shaped like the top half of a banana. It’s designed to stimulate the clitoris or other external erogenous zones. It’s rechargeable and made of silicone and ABS plastic.

Things I like about the Velora Dune:

  • Versatile & unusual shape: When it comes to external/clitoral vibrators like this one, I always appreciate a shape that feels different depending on how you angle it, as this gives more sensation options and makes the toy more versatile. The “business end” of this toy, shaped to resemble a banana stem, works well for this; I can lay it alongside my clit for broader stimulation, for example, or hold just the tip against my clit for a more pinpointed feeling.
  • Whimsical aesthetic: A banana is a cute thing for a sex toy to be shaped like, and I know some users (especially those with minimal/no sex toy experience) find it less intimidating to use toys that have a playful appearance like this. It’s also unusual to see a bright yellow vibrator; I appreciate the big swing that was taken here aesthetically.
  • Convenient charging dock: I like the way the Dune charges – it comes with a little charging dock that you can power with a USB-C cable, which makes it convenient for travel if you, like me, always have a USB-C cable on hand for other electronics anyway. The dock doesn’t take up a ton of space on a nightstand and charges the Dune relatively quickly – you get up to 2 hours of use from a 90-minute charge.
  • Relatively quiet: While it is definitely audible, the Dune tops out around 45 decibels, which is louder than a refrigerator but quieter than moderate rainfall.
  • Price: The Dune is currently priced at $29, which I think is a fair price for it. That’s also unusually cheap for a rechargeable vibrator (as opposed to one that runs on disposable batteries).

Things I don’t like about the Velora Dune:

  • Extremely buzzy: Unfortunately, the Dune’s motor – the most important aspect of any vibrator – is wildly buzzy, i.e. its vibrations are high-pitched, surface-level, and prone to causing temporary numbness and discomfort. Many people, myself emphatically included, prefer vibrations that are rumbly – i.e. low-pitched and therefore more able to stimulate tissues deeply without causing numbness – and there’s really no rumble to be found here; it’s all buzz, all the time. I was unable to reach orgasm with the Dune in any of my testing sessions because it numbed me out too quickly for me to get there in time.
  • Only 3 steady speeds: The Dune’s one button cycles through 3 steady speeds followed by 7 patterns. According to informal polls I’ve run over the years, most vibrator users, myself included, tend to stick to steady speeds rather than patterns, so there should always be more than 3 speeds available; otherwise the jumps between them feel too severe. The Dune also starts at a vibration level that feels way too intense for me at most points in my arousal cycle, so I generally have to be extremely turned on already before I start using it, or else it’ll be too jarring and uncomfortable.
  • Vibration conducts into handle: My fingers start to feel weird within seconds of using the Dune, because so much of its ultra-buzzy vibration conducts into the part of the toy that you hold onto. This could make it painful or challenging for folks with sore/weak hands to use.
  • Seemingly not fully waterproof: The Dune is “water-resistant,” which, in sex toy parlance, usually means you can safely wash it off in the sink but shouldn’t submerge it in water or use it in a bath.

Final thoughts

I wanted to like the adorable-looking Dune vibrator, but alas, it’s far too buzzy for me to enjoy. I kept having to reach for bigger, rumblier vibes to finish the job, and even then, it often wasn’t as pleasurable as it normally would have been, because the buzzy vibrations had temporarily reduced my sensitivity, as they tend to do.

But I can’t deny that the Dune is a cute, affordable vibrator with a versatile shape and a cool charging mechanism. I’m sure some people would enjoy it, but I ain’t one of ’em. This little banana just didn’t quite ap-peel to me, I guess 😉

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Velora Luxe Bullet vibrator

Kate Sloan

What is the Velora Luxe Bullet vibrator?

Sex toy retailer Velora’s Place sent me their Luxe Bullet to review. It’s a rechargeable vibrator made of silicone and plastic. Like other bullets, it’s on the smaller side of the vibrator spectrum (3.15″ long by 0.8″ wide). It’s currently being sold for $20.99.

Things I like about the Velora Luxe Bullet:

  • Strong enough: It’s no jackhammer or Magic Wand, but I was surprised by this thing’s power output, given its low price and diminutive size. I never had a problem coming with it, sometimes even through underwear and/or sleep shorts.
  • Not horribly buzzy: While the Luxe Bullet certainly isn’t as rumbly (i.e. low-pitched and deeply stimulating) as some higher-end bullets like the We-Vibe Tango X, it’s also not anywhere near as annoyingly buzzy (i.e. high-pitched and numbing) as I would generally expect for a vibe at this price point. As I said above, I was consistently able to reach orgasm with it – and I had enough clitoral sensitivity left at that point that the orgasms were good, not muted. Impressive for such an affordable toy!
  • Petite: Like other bullets, the Luxe Bullet is small and thus more easily maneuverable than a chonkier vibrator. It can work well between bodies during sex, and easily fits into a purse or pocket. (A couple caveats, though: it lacks a travel lock function, which would make it more portable, and it’s also too big to fit into slots designed for standard-sized bullet vibes, such as those found in the base of some dildos.)
  • Price: Despite its bougie-sounding name, the Luxe Bullet currently retails for just $20.99. I’m always glad to see an actually-decent vibe at a budget-friendly price. It has its flaws, as I’ll get into below, but overall it performs quite well for a $21 vibrator!
  • Rechargeable: It’s cool to see a rechargeable vibe at this price point, since generally I’d expect vibes under $30 to run on disposable batteries. This toy charges via a convenient little USB cable.

Things I don’t like about the Velora Luxe Bullet:

  • Only 3 steady speeds: Not that I would expect much more from a $21 vibrator, but the Luxe Bullet has just 3 steady speeds, followed by 7 patterns. I always prefer at least 8 steady speeds, as it expands your sensation options and makes the jumps between speeds less jarring. It’s also annoying to have to cycle through all the patterns, using the toy’s one button, to get back to the first speed again.
  • Inconsistent patterns: Of the Luxe Bullet’s 7 patterns, only 3 maintain a steady rhythm with minimal pauses between buzzes. The other 4 patterns might be suitable for people who like unpredictability or the fun(?) frustration of edging, but that ain’t me, so I got annoyed with these, especially since you have to cycle through all of them to get back to the first vibration speed.
  • Basic shape: I generally prefer bullets that have either a pointed tip or a flat/angled one, as this gives more sensation options (you can, for example, use the tip of such a toy when you want a more pinpointed sensation, and hold it sideways when you want a more diffuse/broad feeling). The Luxe Bullet has a uniform thickness of 20 mm (about 0.8 inches) along its whole length, so if you prefer slimmer/more precise stimulation than that, you should look elsewhere.
  • Color: Brown is certainly an unusual shade for a vibrator, so I’ll give ’em points for originality, but in this particular size and shape, it ends up looking a bit faecal, which is, shall we say, not my kink. Other color options are available, though!
  • Noise level: As is to be expected for a vibe at this price point, it makes a definitely-audible buzzing noise, and is not, as its marketing copy claims, “whisper-quiet” by any means. However, it probably wouldn’t be detectable from another room if the door was closed and you were playing white noise or music to cover the sound.
  • Vibrates fingers: I sometimes experienced numbness or discomfort in my hand/fingers when using the Luxe Bullet, because (as is common for vibes of this size/shape) the vibrations are conducted through the entire toy, not just the tip. Folks with hand pain/discomfort might struggle to comfortably keep a good grip on this toy.
  • Presumably not waterproof: Since there’s no mention anywhere of the Luxe Bullet being waterproof, I have to assume it isn’t, which makes it a little trickier to clean and also limits the environments in which you can use it. But, again, that’s to be expected for a $21 vibrator.

Final thoughts

The Luxe Bullet is a notably better vibrator than I was expecting, for a $21 toy! I’d happily recommend this for a beginner on a budget who wants a vibe for external stimulation (it’s not really suitable for vaginal or anal penetration due to its small size, straight shape, and lack of a flared base). It delivers decently strong vibrations for its petite form factor, and will do the job well for many folks. I wish we’d had this in stock when I was working sex toy retail in my twenties – I’m sure I would’ve sold a bunch of them!

It has its issues, but overall, the Luxe Bullet is indeed more luxe than one would think, given its low pricetag. Yay for affordable orgasms!

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: OhMiBod Esca 2

Kate Sloan

What is the OhMiBod Esca 2?

The sex toy company OhMiBod was one of the original pioneers of remotely-controllable toys, and they still make great ones to this day. The one I’m reviewing today is the Esca 2, a G-spot vibrator designed to be “worn” vaginally. Via the OhMiBod app, this toy can be controlled either locally or remotely, so it’s great for public play scenes or long-distance sex.

The Esca 2 is made of silicone and ABS plastic, has a total length of 7.3″ and a max diameter of 1.3″, and has a Bluetooth range of 26 feet.

Things I like about the OhMiBod Esca 2:

  • Strong, rumbly vibration: A vibrator’s motor is its most important quality, so I’m thrilled that OhMiBod clearly put effort into making this one great! The rumbliness of the Esca’s motor ensures that I never feel desensitized to its vibrations, even after a longer session – and there’s a wide range of vibration intensities available, from low to high.
  • Amazing app and connectivity: The remote-controllability of the Esca 2 is its main draw, and accordingly, OhMiBod’s app – available for iOS and Android – is excellent. It offers several different ways to control the toy’s vibrations – you can sync it up with music or sound (more on that in a moment), tap or swipe to create your own patterns, and try pre-programmed patterns. I also found that the Esca paired to my phone instantly when I turned it on, and stayed connected the entire time I was using it – no troubleshooting required whatsoever.
  • Sound-responsive mode: I had a lot of fun playing with the app mode that makes vibrations respond to music or other sounds. Some other companies have made versions of this feature which I’ve found finicky and inconsistent, but OhMiBod offers the genius innovation of allowing you to adjust both the intensity of the vibrations and the sensitivity of the audio-sensing – so, whether you want your vibe to respond to your partner’s voice murmuring to you in bed, or to a DJ’s larger-than-life set at a music festival (or anything in between), you can configure this vibe to make it happen. I actually found the music mode to be the best way for the Esca to achieve steadily rhythmic vibration, since it doesn’t offer that on its own (more on that later).
  • Easy to use surreptitiously in public: Perhaps more than any other “wearable” vibrator I’ve tested, the Esca 2 can easily be used in public without constantly having to readjust, reconnect, etc. For one thing, the toy can stay in standby mode for a very long time, so if you pause your public scene for a bit (like if the waiter comes back with your drinks), you won’t need to dash to the bathroom to turn the vibe back on. The vibration intensity can be changed using the physical volume buttons on your phone, rather than just via the app, so once the toy is paired and turned on, you don’t even need to unlock your phone to control it thereafter – you could even control it while your phone’s still in your pocket! The vibe is also fairly quiet in use, and its LED light can be disabled by pressing its button twice once it’s turned on. All of this adds up to it being a great option for discreet public play.
  • Stays in place well: I never experienced any slippage while testing the Esca, which sets it apart from many other wearable vibes. I even went for a 45-minute walk with the Esca inside me once, after already having an orgasm on it, to test whether the combo of wetness, gravity, and motion would cause an embarrassing incident in public… and I didn’t feel it slipping at all, ever. Kudos to these toy designers!
  • Long battery life: With the Esca 2, you’ll get about 3 hours of use from a 90-minute charge, which is great.

Things I don’t like about the OhMiBod Esca 2:

  • Patterns aren’t consistent enough: My #1 complaint about this toy is that its own built-in patterns are somewhat erratic, like a clumsy lover: often changing things up instead of staying the course. Even when I tried to make my own patterns for more consistency, there would be (at minimum) a short pause in between loops. The only way I found to keep the vibrations rhythmically consistent for more than 10ish seconds at a time was to sync the toy up to music, as described above.
  • No clit stimulation: Not that I would expect it from a G-spot-centric toy, but the Esca doesn’t really get anywhere near my clit. Even when I position its external arm there, almost no vibration conducts through it. So, if you or your partner require clit stimulation to get off (as the majority of people with vulvas do), you may want to pair the Esca 2 with a clitorally-focused wearable vibe like the Lovense Ferri. Personally I don’t mind a bit of a tease during public play, since I would find it too difficult to reach orgasm in that environment anyway, but your mileage may vary.
  • Not waterproof: You gotta be careful when washing the Esca 2, and avoid using it in the shower/bath/hot tub/etc., because it’s not waterproof.
  • Not anal-compatible: Possibly goes without saying, but just incase you were considering it, the Esca 2 is not anal-safe. Something like the Lovense Edge would be a better bet for that usage.

Final thoughts

Thanks to today’s sponsor, Evolution Zone, for sending me the OhMiBod Esca 2 to try out! I enjoyed it a lot more than I was expecting to, because most wearable vibes are weak, buzzy, and unreliable, whereas the Esca 2 has none of those problems: its vibrations are wonderfully strong and rumbly, its app is astonishingly well-built, and its Bluetooth connectivity worked great during all my testing sessions.

I wish this toy had some consistent vibration patterns; the lack of them is really its only major drawback. But if you’re just looking for a dependable vibe for some public teasing ‘n’ edging, or a G-spot vibe for long-distance play, I think the Esca 2 will serve you well.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

3 Fascinating Facts from Sex Doll Science

Kate Sloan
Pictured: the Rowan doll from YourDoll

Y’all know that I love me some sexual science – so when sex doll company YourDoll reached out to partner with me on a post, I knew immediately that I wanted to do a scientific deep-dive on sex dolls! Turns out there’s a surprising amount of scholarship on the subject – here are 3 interesting facts I discovered, for your sex-nerdy amusement.

1. Some asexual people own sex dolls

Yep – just like sex dolls themselves, ace people contain multitudes! In a 2022 paper published in the Journal of Future Robot Life, the Dutch anthropologist Roanne van Voorst wrote about a woman she interviewed who is asexual-identified but (paradoxically?) owns a sex doll.

The woman described having purchased a sex doll for a thousand euros, amidst a lonely lockdown in the early pandemic years. Although she explained that she is one of the many asexuals who sometimes masturbate (albeit in a perfunctory, “non-erotic” way), she said that her relationship to her doll wasn’t sexual at all – she found comfort and enjoyment in dressing up the doll, brushing its hair, taking photos of it, and lying with her head in its lap. Doll ownership had indeed helped alleviate some of the loneliness she’d been experiencing. “Perhaps [my doll] functions in the way other lonely people use a television,” she told the interviewer – “by having that blast all day, it feels like you are not so isolated.”

While this particular paper only delved into the sex doll usage of one asexual person, I imagine there are plenty more ace people around the world who’ve enjoyed using sex dolls. Asexuality is characterized by low or nonexistent sexual attraction to other people, but that doesn’t necessarily preclude an ace person from masturbating, fantasizing, or doing sensual stuff like naked cuddling – all of which they might be able to enjoy more easily with a sex doll than with, say, a human partner who (sadly) might make them feel pressured or shamed.

2. Owning a sex doll may affect how you view women

Of all the questions that scientists have pondered about sex dolls, one of the most common is: Are they good or bad, vis-à-vis misogyny, patriarchy, and men’s treatment of women? Some studies argue, for example, that owning a sex doll could make a sex offender less likely to re-offend, while some suggest just the opposite, that sex doll usage increases men’s sexual objectification of women and thereby makes them more likely to coerce or assault someone.

I’m not sure how I feel about this issue, given the mixed scientific evidence, not to mention the fact that correlation doesn’t necessarily equal causation. But this type of research certainly gives me a lot to think about. For instance, one 2022 study, published by Craig A. Harper et al. in the Journal of Sex Research, found that men who own sex dolls are more prone to obsessiveness, have lower self-esteem, and are “more likely to see women as unknowable” – but the same study also found that doll-owners are less sexually aggressive than the general population. A mixed bag, you could say!

3. Sex doll owners often bond with each other online

Contrary to the popular perception that people who own sex dolls are lonely losers with no social skills, there are actually thriving online communities of sex doll owners, where they trade tips and tricks, share photos and videos, and discuss their feelings toward their dolls.

This community aspect of doll ownership was discussed at length in a 2007 paper by journalist Belinda Middleweek, published in the journal Sexualities. The paper reflects on, among other things, how a significant portion of doll-owners say they appreciate their doll not just for sex but also for companionship. While some critics might argue that perceived emotional closeness with an inanimate object is a poor substitute for actual human connection, Middleweek’s paper shows us that sex doll ownership actually can help foster human connection – with other sex doll devotees! I bet some of them even throw sex doll orgies… Wish I could be a fly on the wall for one of those!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.