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5 Ways to Learn More About Your Gender

Kate Sloan
Sometimes my gender feels like a queer femme version of a boy at summer camp 😂 (featuring beautiful mb in the background)

I’m no gender expert, but I sure have thought a lot about my own gender. And I think more people could stand to do that type of deep thinking, whether they ultimately come to the conclusion that they’re cis, trans, or some flavor of gender-agnostic.

Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living,” and while I wouldn’t go that far, I do think an unexamined gender can cause you grief. Stumbling through life within the bounds of a prescribed gender role, without ever seriously interrogating that role’s suitability for you (or lack thereof), can breed resentment, anxiety, anger, insecurity, and depression. I’ve seen it happen – often for people who later discovered themselves to be trans, but also for some cis people who came to reject conventional gender strictures that had been stressing them out or holding them back. Who says a man or woman (or enby, for that matter) has to look and act a certain way? And more to the point, do you want to listen to them?

With that in mind, here are 5 quick suggestions for exploring your gender more deeply, if you haven’t already…

Work your way through My New Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein

An absolute classic in the queer-&-trans canon. I’m sure it’s saved countless lives by this point. It’s a workbook that asks you questions about gender to help you figure yourself out. Kate Bornstein is a nonbinary icon and queer elder, and all of their books are fantastic, but this one holds a special place in my heart because of how practical, thought-provoking, and kindness-forward it is. I’ve gifted it to many, many people over the years, and lots of them have told me that they found it helpful.

Talk to other people about their gender

If you’ve got trans and/or queer friends who are open to it, you could pick their brain about gender: how they feel about their own, what led them to their current gender presentation, whether they see gender as a spectrum or something else, etc. Tread carefully, because this can be a touchy subject for some, with good reason – trans people especially are too often expected to justify and explain their gender, often in dehumanizing ways, so it’s quite reasonable if they don’t want to discuss it with you. But if they are down to chat, you might find their insights illuminating. Ideas on gender vary a lot across time and space, too, so you’d probably get vastly different answers from, say, lesbian poets in Bushwick than from trans escorts in Melbourne or drag performers in Paris.

Try on clothes you don’t normally wear

Clothing is one of the main ways we express our gender in the world, so it makes sense that changing the way you dress can be one of the most impactful – but also scariest – ways to push yourself outside your comfort zone gender-wise. Rampant transphobia might make this tricky or outright unsafe to do in public sometimes, unfortunately (which fuckin’ sucks; everyone should get to safely experience the joy of a fitting-room glow-up moment!!), but at the very least, you can do it in your own home. You could borrow a friend or partner’s clothing (with their permission, hopefully!), hit up your local thrift store, or maybe even just alter some clothes you already own. Try on a new gender expression for size, and notice how it feels!

Keep a gender envy journal

I forget which trans friend of mine introduced me to the concept of ‘gender envy,’ but it’s such a specific feeling that now I always notice it when it comes up! Sometimes I’ll see a person walking down the street, or a character in a piece of media, who activates a sense of longing inside me. It’s a specific longing to look like that person, dress like them, move like them, talk like them, and/or be perceived the ways they are perceived. For instance, Jane Lane from Daria and Spinelli from Recess were some of the first characters I ever felt this way about – and still to this day, I love dressing hard-femme/soft-butch like them, and wearing black leather boots and sharp-shouldered jackets like they do.

Part of self-discovery is simply mindfulness: paying attention to which things consistently light you up and attract you. Start keeping a journal of all the people and characters you feel gender envy toward, and you might notice some useful patterns after a while!

Make a list of adjectives

I don’t know about you, but I find terms like “masculine” and “feminine” to be pretty limiting in their scope when I’m trying to define somebody’s gender, including my own. These concepts are highly dependent on time, place, socioeconomic context, etc., and ultimately they can feel imprecise (or beside the point entirely) for those of us who deviate from the beaten path at all.

So, instead of trying to locate yourself on a binaristic gender spectrum, maybe ask yourself which adjectives describe the gender you find dreamiest to imagine embodying. (It’s okay if this changes over time, or even from day to day!) For example, here are some adjectives that describe my particular queer-cis-femme gender at the moment: brash, funny, charming, dapper, sharp, swaggery, sparkly, slutty, irreverent, and bright. What words come to mind for you?

 

Dear reader, how deeply have you explored your own gender? Have any of these methods been helpful for you?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Signs Someone Might Be Good in Bed

Kate Sloan
Trying to decide if I think you’ll be a fun lay or not. (Photo by mb)

I write reviews of sex toys here all the time, but sometimes I wish there were equivalent reviews available for sexual partners: “Clumsy, but enthusiastic.” “Could use some honing, but has definite potential.” “Kept a wand plugged in by the bed and aftercare chocolates in the fridge. 12/10, no notes.”

Granted, different people can bring out different sides of one’s sexuality, and one man’s trash-fuck could easily be another man’s treasure – so these types of reviews might not be terribly useful anyway. Nonetheless, I often do wonder, as I get to know a new crush, whether they’d make me scream in bed, or just make me sigh with frustration. There’s no surefire way to predict this, but here are a few small things I look out for…

They respect boundaries (without pouting)

Arguably this isn’t a “good in bed” thing so much as a basic requirement of consent-conscious sex, but either way, it bodes well. How do they react when you say “no” to them? If you express a preference or a hard limit on anything (sexual or otherwise), do they acknowledge it, remember it, and respect it? Do they ever argue with you about your boundaries, push back against them, or ignore them entirely – and if so, how do they react when called out on that? This can all be useful data when you’re trying to assess whether you’d have a good (and safe) time in bed with someone.

They listen closely & are emotionally attuned

So much of good sex is about attunement, by which I mostly just mean paying attention: noticing what’s giving someone pleasure, and adapting your technique accordingly to make it better and better. The emotional and psychological aspects of sex benefit a lot from attunement, too – it’s hard to feel intimately connected with someone who’s off in their own world mentally.

For this reason, I am far more likely to want to jump someone’s bones if they listen deeply during conversations, ask me good questions out of genuine curiosity, and respond/react to my emotional state when we talk. Shout-out, for example, to the guy who recently brought me a box of Kleenex unprompted because he noticed me getting misty-eyed during a sentimental convo with someone else; that is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about here 🥵 And on a related note…

They are patient & can stay in the moment

Maybe this is a hot take, but I don’t want to fuck someone who checks their phone constantly on dates, for the same reasons I wouldn’t fuck someone who rolls their eyes and checks their watch while I’m telling them a story – that’s rude as fuck, disconnective, and indicates an itchy impatience that is incompatible with the types of sex I like to have.

By contrast, it is wildly sexy when someone stays so focused on me during conversation that it feels like the rest of the world melts away for both of us. It shows me that they probably won’t get bored and tap out after three minutes of lackluster cunnilingus, for example, but are likelier to instead relish every moment they get to spend down there.

They don’t take themselves too seriously

If I lightly roast a man in the course of flirting with him, and he reacts like I’ve just slapped him across the face, either my comment really was out of line (in which case, mea culpa, my dude!), or he’s more concerned with his ego/image/status than with building a connection. And in my experience, if someone’s ego is shaken that easily, it’ll also be shaken by me asking for technique adjustments in bed, bringing up kinks I want to try, or even incorporating sex toys. In the immortal words of Ariana Grande: “thank u, next!”

They’re good at touching

I adore those early days in a new connection when you haven’t had sex yet and so every touch feels electric with promise. It is soooo hot, which is part of why I don’t like to rush into sex with new people these days. Let’s marinate in that sweet, sweet anticipation together for a while, baby!

The ways that someone touches me before they’ve ever fucked me can be very telling, whether they throw an arm around my waist as we walk down the street, idly massage my shoulders in the back of a taxi, or stroke my inner thigh under the table at a restaurant. Are they good at “reading the room,” sensing when (and where) I might like to be touched and quickly adjusting if they overstep? Do they pay attention to what makes me sigh and melt, and do more of that? And just as importantly, how does my body react to their touch? Do I recoil or tense up because something’s not quite right, or do I find myself relaxing into their touch and wanting more of it? This is all hugely useful data.

What signs do you look for when trying to assess whether you might enjoy having sex with someone?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Mark Me Up, Make Me Yours: 3 Alternatives to Collars

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb

In the kink community, a collar can mean a wide range of different things. For some, it’s simply a sex toy, a way to tug someone around during a scene. For others, it’s a deeply-considered symbol of commitment to a D/s dynamic. And between those two ends of the spectrum are countless variations. A collar can mean whatever you and your partner(s) want it to.

Collars may be the item most associated with commitment in the kink world, like wedding rings in the vanilla world – but just like with wedding rings, some people find that collars are impractical for their lifestyle for various reasons, so they’d rather wear something else. Maybe they have a job where they can’t flag as kinky, nosy family members who would ask too many questions, or a medical condition that precludes any neck constriction – whatever the case may be, there are always workarounds. With that in mind, here are 3 categories of collar alternatives for you to consider…

A mark (temporary or permanent)

Sometimes the whole point of wearing a collar is to be constantly reminded, throughout your day, that you’re in a D/s dynamic with someone you adore, and that they adore you too. To that end, anything which reminds you of your partner can be a useful collar alternative, as long as it’s something you’ll carry around on your body all day – whether that’s a well-placed hickey or bruise, a Sharpie scrawl of their initials, or even a tattoo of a meaningful symbol in your relationship.

A piece of jewelry or other wearable accessory

I once knew a glamorous woman who wore a stunning diamond necklace. When I complimented her on it, she replied with a wink (knowing that I am kinky), “It is what you think it is.” That is to say: a collar-esque symbol can be anything, from a priceless pendant, to a nose ring, to a piece of twine tied around your wrist. All that matters is that you and your partner(s) agree about the shared meaning of the object in question, and that you’ll be pleasantly reminded of your dynamic each time you notice it.

A sex toy, worn under clothes

Chastity cages, wearable vibrators, and butt plug tails, oh my! These products aren’t always practical (I wouldn’t recommend wearing anything metal through a TSA scanner, for instance), but they are great for keeping a sexual connection front-and-centre in your mind. As a bonus, they can generate arousal throughout your day, like a set-it-and-forget-it form of foreplay. Neat!

 

Have you ever tried a “collar alternative” like this? What did you go with?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Have Sex Quietly & Not Be Heard

Kate Sloan
Photo taken in the noise-testing area of the Womanizer factory in Berlin (sorry, can’t remember whose hands these are!)

There are certain sad realities of life that simply can’t be sidestepped. Sometimes you will lose someone you love. Sometimes you will have to pay your taxes. And sometimes – quelle tragedy! – you will have to have sex quietly. My condolences. (Or cumdolences, as the case may be.)

This is easier for some than for others – but if you struggle to keep quiet during sex when you need to, here are some quick tips:

Drown out the noise with more noise

You don’t have to crank up the Barry White if that’s too obvious (!), but some kind of music or other sound can camouflage your cries of passion. I like the “pink noise” setting on the Dark Noise app (its pitch is less grating to me than standard white noise), as well as instrumental jazz and Robot Science.

If you have a HomePod, Alexa, or similar, you can even use voice control to request white noise, rain sounds, or music. This is useful in the heat of the moment, when you may not want to pause the action to set up a soundscape like you’re the Philip Glass of ass.

Use quieter sex toys (or none at all)

Y’all know I love sex toys, but some of them are loud as hell. If sound level’s a concern for you, prioritize silent vibrators when you shop for toys (my reviews often discuss noise level, FYI!), and stay away from notoriously noisy toys like Fleshlights and fucking machines.

Cover the source of the sound

In most cases, the source of the sound is gonna be your own mouth (or your partner’s), in which case a ballgag may be useful, or even just faceplanting in a pillow. Just make sure you have a safe-signal in place (e.g. double-tapping on the other person’s arm or leg) so you can end the action quickly if these measures make it hard to breathe at any point. Beginners may want to stick with ‘breathable’ gags, which have holes in them to allow for airflow, although those don’t stifle sound quite as well.

Occasionally the loudest noises may come from something that is not your face, which you may or may not be able to cover up. For example, spanking someone under a blanket is quieter than spanking them out in the open, although it makes it more difficult to land satisfying hits. (Punching is also quieter than smacking…)

Cushion any impact points

If your thighs keep slapping against your partner’s ass every time you thrust into them, for instance, maybe one or both of you could leave your pants on (unbuttoned, natch) to muffle the smacking. If your bed keeps banging into the wall, move it out an inch or two, or stuff a pillow in between. If you’ve got a particularly squeaky bed, it may even be wiser to have sex on the floor, at least while you have to stay quiet.

Find alternate outlets for sounds

Why do we moan (or whimper, or scream) during sex, anyway? Sometimes it’s a way of handling/processing intense sensation, in which case you may be able to channel that impulse into gripping the sheets, scratching down your partner’s back, and other tactile outlets.

One big reason I make noise in bed is to give my partner nonverbal feedback on what’s working, so they can adjust technique accordingly throughout the process of getting me off. But this can just as easily be achieved by me gripping their arm tighter or breathing harder in their ear when things feel particularly good. You can still be a good bottom even when you have to stay quiet – sometimes it’s even hotter that way!

 

What are your favorite ways to make sex quieter?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: VVD RiderGo G-spot fingering vibrator

Kate Sloan

I’ve been really into having my G-spot fingered lately. Usually I prefer deeper penetration, but my G-spot received a lot of attention toward the end of a lascivious first date recently, and so that type of stimulation has been on my mind: the way it makes me gasp and twitch, the balance it strikes between “a little too much” and “yes please more,” and its tendency to make me squirt. G-spot play has a lot to recommend it!

I was intrigued, then, to receive an email from VVD – makers of the Vkini vibrating bra and the Rider Desire sex saddle, both of which I’ve previously reviewed and enjoyed – offering me their new vibrator, which is designed to mimic G-spot fingering. It’s called the RiderGo.

What is the VVD RiderGo vibrator?

VVD’s flagship product is their Rider Desire sex saddle, a rideable toy in the vein of something like a Sybian or Cowgirl, only a whole lot smaller, lighter, and cheaper than those plug-in behemoths of yore. Like many vibes of its type, the Rider Desire came with a few different interchangeable attachments, each with a slightly differing shape and function.

However, as I noted in my Rider Desire review, rideable vibrators are sometimes too bulky, heavy, and awkward to be practical, especially for those of us whose bodies have limitations – which is why it’s so neat that VVD has since launched the RiderGo, a handheld toy that uses the same magnetic attachment system as the Rider Desire.

If you’ve got both toys (which are conveniently sold as a bundle), you can use any/all of the attachments on either the handheld RiderGo base unit, or the rideable Rider Desire base unit, depending on whether you’re in the mood to hold the toy yourself or hump it hands-free. How versatile!

Interestingly, the RiderGo isn’t just a handle for attachments – it comes with its own attachment, the tip of which strokes up and down like a partner massaging your G-spot with their fingers. Its base unit also features a clitoral vibrator – so, in effect, the RiderGo is a rabbit vibrator that features the rare ability to swap out the vaginal arm for other attachments (not included), should you so choose.

Things I like about the VVD RiderGo vibrator:

  • Powerful stroking: This toy’s fingering-esque G-spot stroking function is genuinely great. The tip of the shaft moves up and down quickly in a manner that really does resemble strong human fingers. It doesn’t weaken or slow down under pressure at all, even when I squeeze my vag muscles as hard as I can – this is extremely rare among sex toys of this type! If you like having your G-spot fingered fast and firm, you should consider this toy.
  • Independently controllable functions: The finger-like stroking is controlled using a separate button from the clitoral vibration, so you can stick to using one or the other if you want. If you remove the attachment altogether, you can even use the base unit as a standalone clitoral vibrator, which is useful when you’re still getting turned on and aren’t ready for penetration yet.
  • Versatile clit stimulator: The RiderGo’s clitoral arm is highly flexible/bendy, so it moves with you when you thrust the toy, maintaining clitoral contact the whole time (yay!!). I also appreciate that it has a tongue-like protrusion which feels great on my clitoral hood and actually stays there instead of sliding around uncomfortably, because my clit’s really sensitive and prefers indirect stimulation.
  • Stimulates clit even without vibration: While we’re talking about clit stim – if I turn on this toy’s thrusting function but leave its vibration off, it stimulates my clit nonetheless, because the thrusting motion rubs the toy’s external arm against my clit on each thrust. It’s not enough to get me off, but it certainly gets me turned on/warmed up, which makes the ensuing vibration feel better.
  • Handle design: The looped handle is a great design choice for a thrusting toy, because these toys tend to wriggle their way out of your vag unless anchored in place somehow; I usually put a pillow between my legs for this purpose, but with this toy, I can just thread one finger through the handle’s loop and it takes very little hand strength for me to keep the toy stationary while it thrusts. A thoughtful touch!
  • Modular: It really is pretty cool that you can swap out this attachment for the ones that come with the Rider Desire for some additional variety… although, of course, not everyone will be able to afford both toys.
  • USB-C charging: I’m seeing more and more sex toy companies adopt USB-C for their products, and I’m always glad when they do, because it means one less cable to pack when I travel.
  • Waterproof: It’s IPX7 waterproof, meaning you can wash it in the sink or use it in the bath or shower without fear of ruining it.
  • Price: $79 is a decent price for a powerful, rechargeable dual-stim vibe that mechanically strokes your G-spot, but it’s an even better deal if you bundle it with the Rider Desire and use my coupon code (KateS) to get 12% off: the whole shebang comes out to $290 and they’ll even throw in a bottle of water-based lube for ya.

Things I don’t like about the VVD RiderGo vibrator:

  • Buzzy vibrations: I wish these clitoral vibrations were rumblier. As-is, they’re powerful enough to get me off – often enjoyably! – but just buzzy enough that I noticeably lose some clitoral sensitivity by the end of a session, resulting in weaker (albeit reliable/easy) orgasms.
  • Too few speeds, too close together: The RiderGo’s vibration and stroking functions both only have three steady speeds followed by a handful of patterns. IMO this is not enough steady speeds, especially since there’s not much variation between those three speeds, so I often don’t get the noticeable, immediate boost in arousal/stimulation I am used to getting when I turn a toy’s speed up.
  • Too straight: Despite VVD’s insistence that a gentle 15° curve is ideal for hitting the G-spot, I actually find that this toy’s shaft is too straight to consistently hit mine. It’s more of a teasing massage of the general area than a targeted G-spot onslaught. I wish there was enough shaft length for me to be able to slide this toy into my A-spot instead, because its shape is much better suited to that.
  • Loud: As with many toys that thrust or stroke in this manner, the RiderGo makes a fairly loud mechanical sound in use. That being said, the clitoral vibration is comparatively quiet; it’s only the G-spot “fingering” that’s loud.
  • Short battery life: The RiderGo’s battery only lasts about 45 minutes on a 90-minute charge, which is not ideal. I don’t like feeling rushed!
  • Ill-considered power button: Unusually for a sex toy, the RiderGo can be turned on or off by short-pressing its power button, not long-pressing (which does nothing). I accidentally turned the toy off a few times during testing by mistakenly hitting the power button while trying to change settings.
  • Not anal-safe: While the magnet that affixes the attachment to the base unit is pretty strong, I think there’s a chance the attachment could pop off inside you, so I wouldn’t recommend this toy for anal play.

Final thoughts

Even if the VVD RiderGo was just a rabbit vibe, as it appears to be, it would be plenty impressive. Its G-spot strokes are intense and unrelenting, its clitoral vibrations are strong (albeit somewhat buzzy), and its silicone and ABS plastic construction is high-quality.

But it’s not just a rabbit vibe – its shaft can be swapped out modularly for other attachments sold with VVD’s Sybian-esque Rider Desire, offering you extra versatility down the road. I find the RiderGo’s buzzy vibrations, high noise level, undervaried settings, and barely-curved shaft a bit disappointing, so this isn’t destined to be my favorite vibe – but even so, it was able to get me off reliably when I tested it, which speaks to the sheer power of its G-spot stroking. I think plenty of rabbit-vibe connoisseurs would really dig the RiderGo.

Oh, and I have some deals to share with my readers, courtesy of VVD! You can get the RiderGo, the Rider Desire, or a bundle of the two for a reduced price: my discount code KateS gets you 12% off, site-wide.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.