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How (& Why) to Keep a Pleasure Diary

Kate Sloan

I love reading through old journals; they teach me so much about myself. Recently I was flipping through one from 2012, the year that I started this blog. Around that time, I was fascinated by the work of Tantra-inspired sex educators like Jaiya and Barbara Carrellas. In keeping with their focus on maximizing pleasure in one’s life, I started keeping a “pleasure log” in my journal.

A typical entry would first describe a sexual fantasy, porn clip, or erotica story that had turned me on, and why I’d found it so sexy. Then I’d go on to describe the ways I’d touched myself (or, more rarely, invited a partner to touch me), the sex toy(s) I’d used, and what my orgasm had felt like. I would often make these notes while lazing around in the sweet afterglow; one could say it was self-administered aftercare in written form.

I didn’t stick with the pleasure-logging habit for very long, probably because my regular journal entries tend to be quite pleasure-focused anyway (as you might expect from me, a self-indulgent Taurus foodie/professional masturbator!). But I still think it’s a fabulous practice that many people could benefit from. The internet can be a helpful resource when you’re seeking answers to publicly knowable sex questions, like which fetish club in Berlin is best, or which dominatrix Melbourne ranks most highly – but when it comes to questions about yourself and your own psychology, it’s likeliest that the answers lie within.

In your pleasure diary, you could document masturbation sessions like I did, or you could take a broader approach and write down any kind of pleasure you encounter throughout your day, from bluebird song on your morning walk, to a silly conversation with a friend, to a stellar glass of wine over dinner. The more that you practice noticing these things, the easier it will be to spot ’em and enjoy ’em.

Whether you call it a pleasure diary or give it a snappier name that suits you better, I think there are a few key reasons you should consider documenting experiences that feel good:

1. Savoring

As sexologist Emily Nagoski describes in her great book Come Together, “savoring” is a science-backed positive psychology technique that helps you enjoy pleasure more deeply and remember it more vividly. Put simply, it’s a mindfulness-based practice of noticing pleasure when it comes up, appreciating it, and maybe even remarking aloud on it (“This feels so good!”) or expressing your enjoyment through laughter, moans, giggles, or however else feels most natural. It can take practice to get good at savoring pleasure, especially for those of us who were raised in sex-shamey environments – and keeping a written log of your most pleasurable moments is a fun way to practice this skill.

2. Self-care

I don’t know about you, but when I’m depressed, sick, or low-energy, I almost forget pleasure even exists, or that there’s any way for me to access it. So it’s helpful to have a big long list I can look at, which reminds me of the foods, drinks, albums, movies, scents, and other sensory pleasures that have reliably made me smile before. Even if you document strictly sexual pleasures in your log, it’ll still be useful to have a list of fantasies, porn clips, sex toy techniques, etc. that you know you can depend on, especially when stress totally tanks your libido.

3. Sharing

Whether or not you currently have (or want) a sexual partner, it’s possible – nay, probable – that someday you will meet a new person with whom you want to share sensory pleasures, sexual or otherwise. And when that day comes, you’ll be glad to have gotten so deeply in touch with what brings you pleasure, because your self-knowledge can be shared with other people to help them give you more pleasure. Likewise, there’s a lot you can learn about their pleasure preferences by asking them what they liked about their most pleasurable past experiences, provided you’re comfortable hearing about that.

Dear readers, have you ever kept any sort of pleasure diary? Have you found it useful and/or illuminating?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Are Sexual Desires More ‘Nature’ or More ‘Nurture’?

Kate Sloan
Closest thing I have to a recent ‘nature’ shot 🌳

I used to have a simple, biodeterministic view of human sexuality. I bought into the ‘born this way’ theory of sexual orientation, because it was (and is) a politically important argument in times of homophobic persecution and discrimination – and because there is indeed some evidence that genes and prenatal hormones play a role in determining whether someone turns out straight or queer. We also know that ‘conversion therapy’ (i.e. attempting to ‘make’ a queer person straight) is not only ineffectual, but is also cruel torture.

All of that being said, the older I get and the more I learn about sexuality, the more I think that our orientations are influenced not just by our biology, but also by our sociocultural environments and life experiences. For instance, if I was a housewife married to a man in the 1950s, I might have noticed an occasional attraction to women outside of my marriage, but probably would have conceptualized those feelings as platonic affection, or even as envy. My social sphere and life path would all be guiding me in a certain direction, and the idea of deviating from that might be too existentially terrifying to even contemplate – so, despite being bisexual by a modern definition (i.e. being attracted to people of more than one gender), I almost certainly would have seen myself as straight back then, without ever questioning that.

I have similar inklings about kinks and fetishes – that they are more culturally dependent than is often acknowledged. Some spanking fetishists have observed, for instance, that paddles are more popular in North America, where corporal punishment in schools has often involved paddling – while UK-based impact kinksters tend to prefer canes, since those are the more historically relevant implements in their culture. Our kinks are inevitably shaped by the images, stories, archetypes, fears, and experiences that we pick up over the course of our lives.

However, despite our vast rainbow of differences, there are some elements of human sexuality that seem to stay constant the world over. For the most part, we all value pleasure, excitement, and connection, although those things can manifest a million unique ways. So, although a Korean live sex show and a German live sex show (for instance) might feature different kinks, a different language, and a different aesthetic, both are entirely, deliciously human – and both have the ability to inspire and influence your future sexual adventures, regardless of how you define your sexuality now.

I am wary of leaning too hard on the ‘nature’ or the ‘nurture’ side of this argument, because both sides have been used to harm queer, trans, kinky, and polyamorous people. Blame sexual variations on genetics, and the eugenicist bigots go hunting for ‘the gay gene’ so they can breed it out of existence. Blame those variations instead on culture and socialization, and those same bigots try to ban gay books, sexy movies, and drag brunches, as if heterosexuality would need to be so violently defended if it was indeed the ‘natural order of things.’

But that’s just the thing: They hate us no matter how we explain ourselves. So I say we might as well live our truth and explain our desires however we see fit – including, sometimes, not at all. There’s something beautiful in accepting the never-ending mystery that is human sexuality, and boldly declaring, “I don’t know why I want these things, but I do. And that is absolutely fine, no matter what anybody else has to say on the subject.”

 

What about you, dear reader? Do you see your sexuality as inborn, culturally influenced, or a bit of both?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Make Rideable Sex Toys More Accessible for Bodies with Limitations

Kate Sloan
Photos by Epiphora, of me riding her Sybian in 2015 (while eating pizza, natch)

Rideable sex toys, like the infamous Sybian (pictured above) and its contemporary the MotorBunny, offer some delightful advantages over standard handheld toys. Namely:

  1. Using one of these toys is a hands-free method of receiving pleasure, so you can do other stuff while you ride it: finger somebody/give somebody a handjob, play with your nipples, or whatever your pervy little heart desires.
  2. Many people enjoy the humping/grinding motion that these toys allow for. It engages more muscles than the standard supine masturbation position, which can result in more satisfying orgasms for some users.
  3. It’s easier to apply more pressure to your genitals with a rideable vibe, because you’re working with gravity, grinding down on the toy, rather than having to intensely press a vibe against your body manually, which can tire out your hands/arms.
  4. Rideable toys are often more powerful than handheld vibrators, largely because many of them are powered electrically (as opposed to being rechargeable or battery-operated).
  5. Some people consider it visually hot to see someone writhing atop a rideable vibe. Long-distance couples, or couples who just enjoy voyeuristic/exhibitionistic play, might enjoy adding this type of toy to their repertoire.
  6. Depending on your specific disability/limitation(s), a rideable toy might be more accessible than handheld toys, because it can be ridden hands-free.

That last point, however, is debatable and highly variable. I, for example, have always struggled to use rideable vibrators, because of how my fibromyalgia impacts flexibility (or lack thereof) and pain in my knees, hips, and elbows. For the most part, I’d rather lie back and be a pillow princess when I jerk off!

That being said, I have picked up a few tricks over the years that make rideable vibes more accessible to me – so I thought I’d share those today, for the benefit of anybody who has similar struggles and would like to be able to use these vibes more comfortably. Your mileage may vary with all of these, of course, but I hope they help!

Put pillows everywhere

Pillows are often my first line of defense when dealing with a sexual accessibility issue. Giving a blowjob on a hardwood floor? Pillow under my knees, please! Receiving an over-the-knee spanking? I need a pillow to lay my head on, thanks! And by the same token, rideable vibrators are a lot easier for me to use if there’s a pillow under each knee, and ideally also a pillow where each of my elbows would land if I got onto all fours. Hey, a girl’s gotta have options!

Lean forward onto all fours

While I’m on the subject… Sometimes I do this when I want to take some pressure off my knees for a while, and it helps a lot. It also changes up the angle and pressure of the toy against my junk, providing a nice variation in sensation. Incidentally also offers a nice view for any spectators, especially if they happen to enjoy butts…

Use it on a bed + lean on the headboard

Make sure to check your vibe’s instruction manual before doing this, because some of them need to be used on hard floors only, for safety/mechanics reasons – but certain rideable toys can be hauled up onto a bed, which gives you some built-in cushioning for your joints and also might afford you access to a headboard, onto which you can displace some of your weight. (This is the only way I’m ever able to sit on anybody’s face these days, tbh… Thank heavens for the humble headboard, enabler of horny acrobatics!)

Kinkify it

You’ve heard the phrase “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em”… and similarly, when it comes to pain, I sometimes feel like: If I can’t beat it, I might as well make it hot. Kink is a way to do that!

It’s debatable whether rideable vibes can be considered kink toys in and of themselves (and here’s a comprehensive guide on BDSM gear if you need it!), but they can certainly be utilized in kinky ways. I am often more able to endure pain if I know my dominant wants me to endure it, and that’s true of both pain my dom gives me directly, and pain that my body generates all on its own. For instance, I could see it being hot if a dom (who was otherwise totally compassionate about my illness) instructed me to stay on a rideable vibe for a few minutes longer than I’d prefer, just because they enjoyed the visual so much and wanted to get off on it. 🥵 Sign me up!

 

Fellow babes with disabilities/limitations, what other methods have you found for making rideable vibrators more accessible?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

The BEST long-distance sex toys – at the best Black Friday prices!

Kate Sloan
All images courtesy of Lovense

The other day, I was on the phone with a far-away person I’m newly dating, and I whined, “How am I going to get through the next few months without fucking you?!” This person and I likely won’t be able to see each other IRL again until the new year, which is causing me great consternation, because frankly, I want them to tear me apart.

They laughed good-naturedly, like they understood exactly how I feel – and then they said, “Innovations like this will help,” while sharply buzzing the Lovense Lush Mini that was inside me at the time. I gasped when I felt their teasing touch from 2,500 miles away, just as I would if they had slid two fingers inside me while lying next to me in bed.

These ‘teledildonic’ technologies (as they’re called in the biz) still astonish me whenever I use them. I never could’ve dreamed, as a horny swoony young thing in the early days of the social internet, that someday even my most geographically distant crushes could fuck me senseless, without so much as setting foot in my country – and that it could actually feel intimate, romantic, and hot. The internet has certainly wrought many evils on the world, but I regard teledildonics as one of its more positive achievements, a massive step forward in the human ability to connect.

All this to say: long-distance sex toy company Lovense is having a Black Friday sale right now, and I am more than qualified to tell you which of their toys you should snap up, whether you plan on using them solo, with a nearby partner, or with someone who lives hundreds (if not thousands) of miles away from you.

L to R: Lush Mini, Edge 2, and Domi 2

Lush Mini G-spot vibrator (full review here) – $129

My current fave in the Lovense lineup, this one is comfy, quiet, and deliciously rumbly. My G-spot is very picky when it comes to vibration, but the deep resonance and wide range of these vibrations make it feel wonderful, even throughout lengthy sessions lasting up to 2 hours (!!). This toy is so well-shaped for G-spot stimulation that it can even make me squirt. Pretty amazing stuff.

Edge 2 vibrating butt plug – on sale for $89

This is one of my absolute faves to use on a partner – specifically, a prostate-possessing partner – because it has two different motors which you can control separately, one that massages the perineum and one that targets the prostate more directly. The angle of the plug is adjustable, so it’s a good pick whether you like a lot of prostate pressure or not much at all.

Domi 2 wand vibrator (full review here) – on sale for $89

It’s a known fact that I love wand vibrators, so of course I enjoy Lovense’s wand! It’s not as rumbly/powerful as some full-size wands I’ve tried, but its range of intensities is nonetheless impressive, and I enjoy its petite form factor, which makes it more accessible to me than those heftier wands. It’s even small enough to use during PIV sex in certain positions.

L to R: Ambi, Flexer, Nora, and Max 2

Ambi bullet vibrator – on sale for $35!!

Probably the best deal in this whole sale! The Ambi is Lovense’s answer to other rumbly bullets like my beloved Tango X. Its cool handle shape makes it easier to hold in various positions, and its shape gives you tons of sensation options, from broad to pinpoint pleasure. If you’ve been wanting to experience Lovense’s legendarily rumbly motors, $35 for an Ambi is probably the best deal you’re ever gonna get!

Flexer dual-stimulation wearable vibe – on sale for $89

Intrigued by the bestselling Lush, but prefer something with clitoral stimulation? The Flexer is for you! Its internal portion is shaped to curve right into your G-spot just like the Lush does, but it also has an external arm that delivers deep, rumbly clitoral vibrations. A must-have for fans of blended orgasms – plus it’s comfy when ‘worn’ out and about (especially with a good water-based lube, reapplied as needed) so it’s great for discreet public scenes.

Nora & Max 2 rabbit vibe + vibrating stroker bundle – on sale for $179

One of the coolest things about Lovense’s teledildonic toys is that some of them can ‘talk to’ each other, making long-distance sex feel even more like sex. For example, the faster you thrust the Nora rabbit vibe in and out of yourself, the more intensely your partner’s Max 2 stroker will vibrate… or, the faster you thrust in and out of your Max 2 stroker, the more intensely your partner’s Nora rabbit will vibrate. My wife and I have enjoyed using these toys both together and separately, and this Black Friday sale is a fantastic deal on the duo!

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write fair and honest reviews of these products. As always, all writing and opinions are truthful and are my own.

5 Ways to Ask a New Partner About Your Favorite Kink(s)

Kate Sloan
Or you could do what I do and just flag your kinks/sexuality on your leather jacket… (Photo by mb)

The best advice I ever got was from my late grandmother, who used to say to me: “You don’t ask, you don’t get.”

The more time that has passed, the more useful and true I have found this to be. How could I have known, without pitching them, that the Magic Wand company would happily commission me to make a podcast miniseries about their product? How could I have known that the “Twitter admirer” I later married indeed wanted to make out with me on our first date, if I hadn’t asked her? How could I have found beautiful apartments to live in, rad new publications to write for, or new friends in improv classes, if I hadn’t had the guts to reach out and ask for what I wanted?

I think this advice applies across the board in life, but of course, as a sex-&-relationships nerd, I’m most inclined to implement it in those areas. It’s especially useful to ask for what you want in bed when you’ve just started talking to someone new – whether you met them through mutual friends, over social media, or on the best dating app for LGBTQ in USA – because it can help you quickly filter out people you’re not compatible with, thereby being able to move onto more suitable prospects sooner. No sense in dragging out a doomed connection, if you ask me!

I know asking for what you want is hard as fuck, though, so here are 5 of my favorite tried-and-true methods of raising a beloved kink with a new person:

“Have you ever tried ___?”

I like this because it’s simple, effective, and direct, without being like, “Do you want to ___ with me right now?!” which runs the risk of scaring people off, even if they might otherwise warm up to what you’re asking. When you inquire about someone’s experience level with a particular kink or dynamic, you might learn that they’re horrified by the very idea, or you might instead learn that they’ve tried it several times and have very specific thoughts on how they’d like to do it next. Again, you never know until you ask!

“Have you seen [insert media property here]? What did you think of that scene where ___?”

One of the many joys of consuming great media (and sometimes even subpar media): it can be an easy gateway into conversations we want to have about sex and relationships. Whether you’re ascertaining a new beau’s stance on spanking by citing Secretary, sleuthing out a partner’s feelings on lifestyle D/s by invoking Fifty Shades of Grey, or assessing someone’s views on polyamory through the lens of Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, media references are a fabulously low-pressure way to dig into the conversations you want to be having.

“What do you think some people find hot about ___?”

This one is best utilized when talking to a sex nerd, someone who seems inclined to puzzle through the mysteries of the human sexual psyche with you. You can parlay a theoretical conversation about kink motivations into a more direct and personal conversation about your own kink motivations – if they don’t recoil at the very thought of the kink you’re pondering, which unfortunately can happen sometimes. This is also a good way to gauge someone’s general sex-positivity and empathy toward those with different sexualities from them.

“Would you ever wanna ___ with me?”

A bigger (and scarier) swing than a lot of these more indirect approaches, for sure, but sometimes the moment calls for that! I like this particular phrasing because it’s less urgently pressurey than “Do you wanna ___ [right now/tomorrow/next weekend]?” and it’s bolder and clearer than a vague “How do you feel about ___?” This phrasing also leaves the door open for them to raise any concerns or caveats they may have: “You know, I’d love to, but only if we [keep the lights off/pre-negotiate our aftercare needs/have experimental jazz blaring in the background]!”

“Can I show you a hot porn clip where ___? Then, if you want, you can show me a video you like!”

You’re definitely gonna wanna ‘read the room’ on this one, since some people would be aghast at the mere mention of watching porn with a partner, let alone kinky porn… but if your sweetheart seems open-minded, a co-curated smut screening can be a good way to open up to each other about your desires, without having to use your words. (Although, ideally, you would then use your words when negotiating the specifics of what you want to do together.) And naturally, porn is meant to arouse, so it functions as great foreplay for whatever comes next!

 

What are your favorite methods of bringing up kinks with new people you’re seeing?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.