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How to Discover Your New Favorite Sexy Roleplay

Kate Sloan
Photo from my Wednesday Addams photoshoot with Cadence Lee back in 2017

Ah, roleplay. For something that is literally just grown-up playtime, it sure can cause a lot of stress and confusion. Many people wonder (sometimes in my inbox) how to get started with roleplay, what their favorite roleplays mean about them, and what scenarios they should explore through roleplay.

That last question is what I’m focusing on today. Once you know you want to try “sexy improv” (as I affectionately refer to roleplay), how do you know who you want to roleplay as?! Here are some suggestions to help you brainstorm…

 

1. Examine the media that turns you on.

Do you reliably feel a little randy when you watch Gerri and Roman verbally spar in the humiliation scenes of Succession? Does your erotic imagination continually wander back to the hypnokink antics in The Jungle Book? Do you fantasize about being wanted as fervently as Joe wants his stalking victims in You? (Am I just listing my own kinks here? Who can say…)

Media is often one of the first places we encounter dynamics we’d later like to embody and act out ourselves. It’s worth paying attention to which characters, relationships, situations, and power dynamics get your motor running, so you can translate their hottest elements into a sexy scene with a partner someday.

 

2. Ponder the words you love to call people, or to be called.

If you’ve noticed your knees get weak when you call a partner “boss,” or when an authority figure calls you “young lady,” for example, that’s useful information.

If you like, try making a list of all the titles and honorifics you can think of – sir, madam, doctor, your honor, your majesty, captain, and so on. Go through the list and take a moment to imagine what it would be like to call an attractive person each title on the list, or how it would feel if an attractive person were to call you these names. Circle the ones that make your heart beat faster and file that info away for future roleplays!

 

3. Take a quiz.

The Cheztoon ‘How Kinky Are You?’ quiz, for example, can help you narrow down the kinky archetypes you’re most drawn to. Take it with a partner, share your results with one another, and discuss!

I could also see it being useful to take a silly online quiz that tells you which character from your favorite media property you’re most similar to. For instance, I just took a “What Mean Girls character are you?” quiz on Buzzfeed and it told me that I’m Janis Ian. Extremely into the idea of a Janis-and-Regina-inspired roleplay!

 

4. Ask yourself how you want to feel.

Different people are drawn to kinky roleplay for different reasons, and it’s useful to figure out your own motivations when devising new roleplay scenarios. Do you want to feel submissive? Dominant? Innocent? Powerful? Slutty? Evil? Ravaged? Indulged? Punished? Adored?

Write down all the emotions you like to feel, whether in kink or just in life, and use that list to extrapolate some roleplay situations you might enjoy.

 

5. Consider costuming.

While costumes are absolutely not a requirement for roleplay, they can make scenes feel more authentic and grounded in reality. But also, you can consider which clothing items make you feel sexiest, and devise a roleplay based on those choices.

For example, I’ve always felt super cute in short pleated skirts and kneesocks, so a schoolgirl/teacher roleplay is a natural fit for me. I’ve had partners who felt most “themselves” in an elegant suit, suggesting they might enjoy playing a powerful entrepreneur in a boss/secretary roleplay or somesuch. If a black latex catsuit sounds like the hottest possible thing you could wear, maybe you’re jonesing for a Catwoman/Batman roleplay. You get the idea!

 

What methods have you used to brainstorm future roleplay scenes?

 

This post was sponsored by Cheztoon Take the Kink Quiz. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Do Dildos Feel Better Than Dicks?

Kate Sloan

There are many annoying questions I face on a regular basis as a result of being a sex toy reviewer. One of them is, “So you just get paid to masturbate all day?” (Hahahaha, no.) Another is, “And your spouse is okay with that?!” (Um, yes; it’s part of why they married me!) But that second question is usually just a precursor to a third, even more irritating question: “So what’s better – a dildo or a human dick?”

Trust me when I say that this is like asking if a cold bottled Coke is more delicious than a hand-mixed cocktail, or like asking if I’d rather watch a movie cozied up at home with loved ones or tilted back in my chair at an IMAX theatre, or like asking if I’d prefer to see Shakespeare in the park featuring local actors or Shakespeare performed in a high-budget movie starring Anthony Hopkins. Which is to say… there is (for me at least) no clear, definitive answer, because comparing the two in the first place is an erroneous thing to do. They are simply not comparable. Each exists to address a particular mood, or need, or whim. I wouldn’t say it’s a choice between “apples and oranges,” exactly; it’s more like the choice between a fresh juicy apple pulled straight off the tree or a simmered and spiced apple crumble prepared by a skilled chef. It really just depends on what you’re craving.

Dildos can hit some spots dicks can hit, and some spots they cannot. Dicks are warm by default, unless you’re dating a vampire; sex toys are not, though you can pre-warm them if you want to. Humans can cuddle you, talk dirty to you, make you feel loved and appreciated; dildos simply can’t. You wouldn’t ask a human being to punch a nail into a plank with their bare fist; you’d use a hammer. Likewise, you wouldn’t use a hammer to play the piano (I fucking hope); you’d ask a human, one with graceful fingers and a musical mind, to play instead. Hammers and humans do not have the same skillset, and neither do dildos and dicks. It’s a fool’s errand to expect one to be able to do all the things the other is capable of.

I’ll say, too, that this question – “Are dildos better than dicks?” – is posed almost exclusively by people who apparently haven’t realized you can combine sex toys with human penises. Sex toys are still too often framed in mainstream sexual discourse as something a person (typically a cisgender, heterosexual woman) uses alone, often as a direct result of finding human sexual partners unsatisfactory or unattainable.

But this just has not been my experience of sexuality at any point in my life, whether I’ve been fucking men, women, nonbinary people, or some combination thereof. I’m deeply turned off by people who find sex toys threatening or distasteful, so the people I end up sexually entangled with are usually quite enthusiastic about incorporating toys into our play, particularly since I have so many of them. I would say sex toys are a part of literally about 98-99% of the sex I have these days – and rather than ever being a replacement for a partner, they tend to supplement and complement a partner’s skills, making touch more pleasurable and orgasm more attainable.

In every case, my partner is still present and engaged in what we’re doing together, so it would be inaccurate to say that the toy gave me an orgasm when in fact it was the toy in my partner’s hand that did so – or the toy in my own hand while my partner provided the psychological context that enabled me to get off. In many cases it doesn’t even matter if the toy is automated, as with vibrators with pulsing patterns, pressure-wave toys that suck my clit in rhythmic waves, or thrusting dildos like these ones; it was still my partner’s presence that made the sensations hot in a different way than they are when I’m alone, and so it was inherently a partnered experience even if my partner played a role closer to narrator or observer than direct participant.

My inboxes and DMs will probably always abound with messages from people who envy their partner’s toy(s), and people who resent their partner’s toy envy. While it’s tempting for me to tell the latter type of person to “dump the motherfucker already” because toxic views of sex toys are a red flag in my mind, I know that not everyone feels that way, and some people are willing to put in the work to help a partner become comfortable with toy usage. For those people, my advice would be:

  1. Emphasize what your partner brings to the table. Make it clear to them that they are providing value that goes above and beyond (or is simply different than) what a toy can offer.
  2. Emphasize, too, your own pleasure and how much you desire it. Presumably one of the things your partner finds hot about fucking you is seeing/hearing/feeling you experience pleasure, and toys can amp that up. (If they’re not that interested in your pleasure, well, maybe they’re not a good person for you to be sleeping with.)
  3. Maybe don’t skip straight to huge, hyper-realistic dildos if your partner is sensitive about their dick size or prowess. Small toys might be easier for those folks to handle initially. (But also, your preferences matter here too, so if you’re all about huge dildos, don’t let a partner shame you out of that perfectly valid desire.)

My hope is that toys will someday be so utterly un-taboo that they will easily become part of the sex lives of anyone who wants to use them. We’re not quite there yet, not only for the reasons outlined in this post but also for cost reasons, health and safety reasons, geographic access reasons, and more – but I’m holding out hope for shame-free, pleasurable, technologically-enhanced sexuality for all who desire it.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Unique Sex Toys I’m Extremely Curious About

Kate Sloan

CalExotics Impulse Intimate E-Stimulator Remote Dual Kegel Exerciser

I’ve been curious about the pleasure possibilities of genital electrostimulation ever since the Jopen Intensity E-stim vibrator was introduced in 2012 or so. It was a rabbit vibe that purported to rhythmically zap your Kegel muscles so as to trigger muscle contractions, which would be, in theory, pleasurable. I’ve also heard many stories and rumors over the years about electrostim’s supposed ability to trigger actual orgasms, in much the same way as “ram ejaculators” are used to collect precious semen from prized livestock. I’ve heard that this method, known as “electroejaculation,” can be used to help paraplegic or quadriplegic men ejaculate so they can have biological children, for instance, which is fascinating.

This Kegel toy isn’t doing anything that sophisticated, but it works on a similar principle. Apparently it sends out electric pulses to your pelvic muscles, making them contract and relax rhythmically and thereby promoting increased muscle tone, which can lead to stronger, longer orgasms. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be brave enough to apply electricity to my genitals, no matter how mild it may be – but this toy certainly makes it seem easy, not to mention tempting.

 

Fantasy For Her Ultimate Pleasure

I’ve tried several times, in vain, to get sex toy shops to send me this toy to review – but they’ve always chosen to send me other toys from my list instead. I think the reason is that this one is pretty expensive ($159.99) and unconventional, so it’s a risky choice to send to a reviewer. But I’m just so curious about it!

It seems like every sex toy store on the internet now sells oral sex simulators. I’ve tried many, and they achieve their goal to varying degrees of success. But this one is unique in its mechanism: it pairs a motorized “tongue” with both suction and vibration. I think – but do not know for sure – that this toy would actually feel somewhat like the kind of oral sex I tend to prefer, unlike pressure-wave toys like the Womanizer and Satisfyer, which create suction in a less direct way than this toy does.

Would it be fantastic? Would it be disappointing? I have no idea, but I’d like to find out.

 

CalExotics “Nipplettes” vibrating nipple clamps

I had to write about these for a copywriting client of mine and couldn’t stop giggling over them being called “nipplettes.” How delightfully absurd.

Despite having worked at two different adult shops that carried them, I have never actually tried vibrating nipple clamps. The clamps themselves are typically enough for me – I am a masochist, after all. But I also know that I’ve occasionally enjoyed holding a small vibrator against my nipples while warming myself up for a masturbation sesh, so I wonder if these vibrating clamps would take that relatively mild pleasure to the next level.

I imagine they’d at least be a good solution for people who love nipple stim but don’t want to have to constantly provide it for themselves during sex. Sometimes you want to do other stuff with your hands, y’know?

 

Pipedream Extreme Fuck My Cock

Okay, this one is a bit silly. And yet somehow also fascinating.

There’s a whole range of “adult novelties” marketed at cis men that are based on fantastical premises. I mean “fantastical” in the sense of “having to do with one’s fantasies.” Almost no one probably wants to actually fuck a tiny disembodied human butt attached to a big disembodied human dick, but I can see how a lot of people might want to fuck something that feels good and looks like a butt, while simultaneously being able to ogle and stroke a dick other than their own. If butts and dicks are a huge focus of your fantasies, this stroker probably seems like a literal dream come true.

Other such fantasy-based strokers I’ve seen included a vagina placed uncomfortably close to a pair of boobs, a tube with a mouth at one end and a pussy at the other, and even a vagina embedded in what appears to be a football, presumably for the benefit of horny jocks (Google it if you dare). While these types of toys often feel objectifying in a vaguely misogynist way, they certainly do tap into some people’s fantasies… sometimes resulting in creations that would give Picasso and Escher a run for their money. If the uncanny valley were an orifice, it would be this stroker.

 

This post was sponsored by IntimateNeed.com, which carries over 3,000 different products! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Sexual Fantasies I Have About Sex Work

Kate Sloan

1. As a special gift – perhaps for a birthday or an anniversary – my partner hires an escort who is trained in the fine art of cunnilingus. While I lay there blindfolded, my partner gives explicit verbal instructions to our guest for the evening, first on how to tease and arouse me, and later on how to lick and suck my clit until I’m an incoherent wet mess.

Later that night, after our new friend has left, we lie in bed together eating ice cream and debriefing. I feel safe, supported, and loved.

 

2. I’m at an upscale lingerie store, staring longingly at a deep red lacy bra and its matching panties and garter belt. The price tags, when I glance at them, set off a spike of adrenaline in my body due to their sheer lunacy: $440 for the bra, $250 for the panties. I don’t even want to look at the price of the garter belt.

“Excuse me, miss,” says a random man I hadn’t noticed skulking in the stockings section. He’s tall and handsome in a nondescript way, like a detective in a film noir. “If you don’t mind me saying so, those would look wonderful on you, and it would be my honor to pay for them.” He holds out a credit card, golden and heavy, nodding toward the cash register, where the bored-looking sales clerk seems to already know this man’s M.O.

I smile coolly, take the card and the garments to the front, and tell the clerk, “These are on him.” My smirk makes him visibly tremble as he signs the sales receipt.

 

3. I submit an application to join a house of elite London escorts and subsequently find myself invited in for an interview. As it turns out, the “interview” is really a rigorous test of sexual technique, aimed at ascertaining my skill level so as to figure out how to price my services, or indeed, whether to hire me at all.

The house has invited some beloved regulars to be our test subjects for the day. Surrounded by other brothel hopefuls, I suck cock after cock, showing off my blowjob skills, possibly my greatest asset in this hiring process. After a particularly satisfying orgasm, one of the men says to the madam of the house, “You should hire this one – her tongue is magic,” and I glow with pleasure at the vaguely dehumanizing praise.

 

4. A client flies me out to his city for a long weekend date. As I climb out of the Uber he sent to the airport and begin dragging my suitcase up the steps to the fancy hotel where we’ll be staying, I get a text from him. Sorry, darling – something came up at work. Can we raincheck until next month? Make yourself comfortable and get whatever you’d like from room service, on me.

I smile serenely in the elevator, let myself into the clean white room with a shiny keycard, and collapse happily on the enormous bed. Later, I take a sex toy or two into the massive bathtub that overlooks the city, and get myself off decadently like no client ever could.

 

5. I catch the attention of an influential congressperson so as to pitch them on the importance of rights and protections for sex workers, they subsequently make an impassioned speech on the house floor, and every politician in attendance wipes tears from their eyes as they vote to repeal SESTA/FOSTA and decriminalize sex work permanently at the federal level.

Okay, that one isn’t so much a sexual fantasy… but it’s definitely something I ponder ardently from time to time.

Write to your local politicians and make it clear to them that you care about sex workers’ rights. Sign petitions, donate to SWOP Behind Bars and Red Light Legal, and advocate for people to respect and decriminalize sex work. People in that industry may be hot as hell, but they’re also human, and they’ve suffered more than their fare share of discrimination and stigmatization. It has to stop.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Toys That Stimulate the Internal Clitoris

Kate Sloan

The clitoris has long been considered a mystery – particularly by male stand-up comedians in the 1990s, who seemed like they’d rather spend their time searching for sexist punchlines than for the clit – but, on the plus side, we know more about it now than we ever have.

We know, for example, that it is the anatomical pleasure equivalent of the penis – meaning that a person with a vulva having an orgasm without clitoral stimulation is about as uncommon and difficult as a person with a penis coming without penile stimulation (i.e. doable for some people under certain circumstances, but certainly not for everyone all the time). We know that many people prefer indirect clitoral stimulation, because the tip of the clit is extremely sensitive for many of us. We know that the clitoris is made of erectile tissue just like the penis, which swells with arousal. And we also know that the clit, like the penis, has both an external portion and an internal portion – but unlike the penis, the clitoris is essentially an iceberg. The part you can see is only a small part of the whole story.

This discovery, made by Australian urologist Helen O’Connell in 2005, utterly changed how the clitoris is thought about and discussed. There are even theories that the pleasure some people feel from their internal erogenous zones, like the G-spot and A-spot, is actually just the result of indirect internal clit stimulation. I don’t know enough to decide whether or not I agree with that, but I do know that it impresses me greatly when a date/beau/partner has a grasp of internal clitoral anatomy and can use it to their advantage in bed. Just like how most penis-possessing people probably prefer a partner touch their whole dick, not just the head, so too do many clitoris-owners prefer a holistic approach to their clitoral pleasure.

With that in mind, I’ve partnered with the folks at Mivaness to put together this list of sex toys that stimulate the internal clitoris. Try these out if you’re curious about the deeper pleasures of clitoral stimulation!

 

Image via Mivaness

We-Vibe Nova 2 (my full review here)

This sleek, sexy vibe has everything I want in a dual-stimulation toy. It’s elegant. It’s waterproof. You can control each component of it separately, so as to customize your perfect pleasure experience. It’s strong and rumbly as hell. And most notably, it sandwiches your entire clit – internal and external – between its two “arms,” creating the sensation of having your whole clit surrounded by delicious vibration.

I love the flexibility of the Nova 2 – in addition to its motor, it’s the major thing setting it apart from lesser rabbit vibes on the market. The internal arm is poseable, so you can angle it however feels best, and the external arm moves and flexes with your body, so you can thrust the toy in and out as needed without fear of ruining your own orgasm. This is overall a gorgeous vibe for connoisseurs of full-bodied clitoral pleasure.

 

Image via Mivaness

Dame Arc (my full review here)

I hear from a lot of people that they want to enjoy G-spot stimulation, but it just doesn’t feel as good as clitoral stimulation and/or it gives them a feeling of needing to pee. That impending-urination sensation is normal, especially if you’re unused to G-spot play or haven’t gotten yourself highly aroused before stimulating that area; if you empty your bladder beforehand and perhaps lay down a towel for some peace of mind, you should be totally fine.

But as for that first complaint – that G-spot stim doesn’t feel as good as clit stim – I think the Dame Arc is the exact type of vibe that could help shift your perspective on that. It’ll rumble against your internal clit while you do whatever you like to the external part: rub it, stroke it, use another vibrator on it, or whatever else works for you.

Over time, you might find that you come to associate your G-spot with pleasure even if you didn’t initially feel that way – and all because you tapped into the power of the internal clitoris!

 

Image via Mivaness

Lelo Sila (my full review here)

Many “pressure-wave” toys, like the Womanizer and Satisfyer, claim to stimulate the entire clitoris with their unconventional sensations. I can say, however, that the Lelo Sila does this better for me than any other pressure-wave product I’ve tried.

It has a bigger/wider/deeper “mouth,” so it can envelop the head and shaft of your external clit even as you get more aroused – and it also has those flat “lips” around its opening which indirectly stimulate the legs and bulbs of the internal clit during use. It creates a deeper, rumblier sensation than any other toy I’ve tried of this type, at least for my particular anatomy.

I think if you’re a diehard fan of clitoral stimulation but you want to branch out a little, something like the Sila might help you explore the profound pleasures of internal clit stim.

 

Image via Mivaness

Magic Wand Rechargeable (my full review here)

A classic, and for good reason! The extreme power and rumbliness of the Magic Wand makes it ideal for stimulating the deeply buried parts of the clitoris, even though you’re (probably) only using it externally.

When you hold a vibrator this rumbly against your clit – or even against the areas above, beside, or below it – you’re vibrating the tissue underneath as well, including some of the internal clitoris. This is likely one of the reasons some people need vibration to get off: for some people, surface-level stimulation just isn’t enough. And once you’ve seen a diagram of the whole clit, it’s easy to see why.

The Magic Wand can also be kitted out with insertable attachments that enable you to stimulate your G-spot with its intense vibrations. I encourage you to experiment and figure out what feels best for your body!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.