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I Miss Going to Sex Shops

Kate Sloan
A selfie taken with Taylor J Mace at one of our local sex shops.

It’s a scary time for almost every type of business, but I’m especially worried about sex shops.

Right now, adult shops in Sydney and New York and Toronto and other metropolises with thriving sex-positive communities are faced with difficult daily questions, like: Should we stay open, offer only curbside pickup and delivery, or shut down completely? Are our sanitization procedures sufficient for the global health crisis we’re facing? Are we supporting our employees as best we can? Is all of this struggling even worth it?

I think it is, and I think most sex shop owners probably think that too. Many of the best sex shops in Melbourne, Los Angeles, Portland, etc. were founded by people who are passionate about sex toys, sure, but also about sex education. Sex shops function as hubs for community learning on topics like pleasure, anatomy, and even consent. I did more direct sex education work in my few months working at sex shops than I’ve done in entire years elsewhere in the sexuality field. I saw people’s eyes light up when they happened upon a new-to-them erotic possibility. I saw people’s excitement radiate off them as they sauntered out of the shop with a fresh sexy treat in a brown paper bag. I saw that this work transforms sex lives and also sometimes saves lives.

I miss sex shops not just as an employee but as a customer. I miss strolling into my local women-owned erotic boutique and being offered a cup of tea to sip as I shop – it reminds me of the very first time I went into that very sex store, when I was 16, and they sold me my first vibrator, no questions asked. I miss trying on lingerie in a fitting room while an attentive salesperson swans around outside, available for insight and advice as needed. I miss picking up a dildo I’ve had my eye on and getting an embodied sense of its size and weight that product pictures online just couldn’t convey. I miss smart salespeople offering tips and tricks for the vibrator I’m buying, life hacks I could take home to a partner for some revelatory fucking. Every sex shop is a treasure, and so are many of their employees.

What can you do to support your favorite adult stores in Sydney or Vancouver or Paris or wherever you live right now? You can order products from them online if they offer that – or if not, try calling them to see if they can arrange a curbside pickup or any other appropriately safe hand-off method. You can buy tickets for online classes or workshops they might be offering. You can refer friends to them, should you happen to know anyone who’s just run out of lube in quarantine or wants to use their lockdown period to try out a neat new sex toy. Hell, you can even buy a gift card to use once restrictions have eased up.

This pandemic is perilous for so many institutions, from New York’s healthcare system to Montreal’s restaurant business to, yes, Brisbane’s adult shops. I deeply hope these de facto sexual community centers can pull through, if just so that more people can discover and take charge of their sexualities, the way I started to when my first sex shop sold me my very first vibrator all those years ago.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. For more info on this topic, read my friend Epiphora’s post!

Things I Hope to Do When This is All Over

Kate Sloan

Here’s a fun and dreamy exercise for the coronavirus era. Open up a new document in your notes app of choice, or turn to a blank page in your journal. Make a list titled “things to do when this is all over.” Then let your imagination transport you to a happier place and time in the future.

“This” being “all over” is sort of a nebulous concept at this point, but in my case, I’m choosing to imagine that daydreamy future as one in which a safe and effective vaccine has been developed and distributed around the world, and we can once again walk around outside and gather in groups and go to places (remember places?!) without needing to worry that we’re endangering others or ourselves. What will you do when things go “back to normal” – or when we move into a hopefully new-and-improved definition of normalcy? Here’s what I’m excited to do once we kick COVID to the curb…

  • Hug my friends and family for as long as they consent to be hugged.
  • Go to a cocktail bar alone, with just my Kindle to keep me company. Sip excellent drinks, make small-talk with the bartenders from time to time, and revel in the cheery din of my fellow bar-goers.
  • Curl up on the couch in my parents’ basement and watch a movie with my family – probably a Billy Wilder classic.
  • Go to La Banane (one of my favorite restaurants here in Toronto) and eat an extravagant platter of oysters and shrimp cocktail while swilling martinis and laughing with my love.
  • Sit in the front row at the Bad Dog Theatre and see an improv show.
  • Go on a long, meandering walk through the city while listening to podcasts. Stop into any stores that seem cool and take a look around.
  • Have group sex again, in some configuration, or just sex in front of a modest crowd at a sex club. In the meantime, there’s always VR porn and Zoom orgies. (It cracks me up that one of the most popular VR porn sites is called BaDoinkVR. Can I just start shouting “BaDoink!” every time I touch a partner’s genitals, like some kind of pornographic slapstick foley artist?!)
  • Visit the art gallery, the Royal Ontario Museum, the aquarium.
  • Show up an hour or so before the curtain at the Young Centre for the Performing Arts, dressed to the nines for a solo date. Order a sandwich and a pint at the lobby café, and sit there quietly reading until they open the house. Take a program from the usher, find my seat amongst polite older couples and rowdy art-school teenagers, and read about the cast, crew, and creative vision of the production.
  • Walk around a big grocery store buying excessively fancy ingredients, which I will later assemble into an extravagant meal.
  • Sit on a patio sipping a beer and writing.
  • Walk around a Sephora, testing various lipsticks on the back of my hand until I find one I absolutely must own.
  • Get on a plane to New York. Stare out the little window at the big city as it unfolds below me. Walk off the plane half-dazed into the wonderful mediocrity of LaGuardia, and get into a yellow taxi.
  • Swim in a pool or a lake or an ocean or even just a hot tub.
  • Decide, on a whim, to ask someone who seems to want to kiss me, “Do you want to kiss me?” and, if so, let them.
  • Go to a burlesque show; hoot and holler when the dancers cast off their clothes.
  • Get a pedicure or a Brazilian wax or a massage or some other treatment where a careful, skilled person helps me feel better in my body. Tip them well!
  • Walk into a darkened movie theatre with a bag of popcorn and a box of peanut M&Ms. Settle into some good seats and watch something silly.
  • Attend a standing-room-only concert – maybe Andy Shauf or Carly Rae Jepsen or Tegan and Sara – and let the crowd throw me around a little as we all dance in place.
  • Sit in Trinity Bellwoods Park with some friends, smoking joints and telling stories.
  • Attend an industry tradeshow and marvel at the latest sex toys to hit the market. Leave with armfuls of lube samples and product pamphlets.
  • Visit my book editors in London or my literary agent in New York or both. Break bread (metaphorically or literally) with these strong, creative women I am proud to be working with.
  • Walk around a mall for hours, shopping for a dress to wear to some special occasion.
  • Eventually, tell my kids (?!) – or somebody’s kids, anyway – about what happened in 2020.

What are you looking forward to doing, once we’re able to do things again?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

30 Fun Things to Do When You’re High

Kate Sloan

Happy 4/20, friends. I don’t know how many of you are, like me, lucky enough to have access to weed if you want it, but if you are, here are some things I have found are fun to do while baked as fuck. Give some of ’em a shot today if you like!

  1. Listen to beautiful music. Ideally with good headphones and while you’re not doing anything else. Just focus totally on the music and feel it in your body.
  2. Watch people perform methodical tasks on YouTube, such as making cocktails, cleaning workboots, or applying a full face of makeup.
  3. Read a children’s book you love, for the nostalgia and the pure childlike glee of it.
  4. Take a shower and really revel in the sensations. Bonus points if you have wonderfully-scented soap or body wash.
  5. Go for a walk and appreciate nature. (While maintaining social distancing, of course.)
  6. Masturbate decadently, with toys and lube and self-administered foreplay. The whole nine yards. You deserve it!
  7. Listen to a hypnosis file. Some people find that drugs and alcohol hinder their ability to focus and thus to go into trance, but some others find that trance combines well with intoxication. Find out which camp you fall into!
  8. Write love letters to your favorite people. Don’t send them until you’ve sobered up and can make rational decisions about whether or not it’s a good idea to do so – but you may find that the words and feelings flow more easily in an altered state.
  9. Pursue pain, whether through a little light scratching and pinching of your own skin, or through a full-on S&M scene with a partner. I find that pain feels much more pleasurable when I’m high.
  10. Wear your comfiest loungewear and enjoy the way it feels on your skin.
  11. Think about God. Do you believe in a higher power? What are your reasons for holding that opinion? How would your lifestyle change if your theological beliefs changed? These are interesting questions to mull over, even if you’re staunch in your religious views (or lack thereof).
  12. Sing or play music. Karaoke tracks are easy to find online and are ideal for this purpose.
  13. Watch stand-up comedy. Everything is funnier when you’re high. The stand-up section on Netflix is a goldmine; James Acaster’s absurdist specials are faves of mine.
  14. Moisturize. Mmm, luxurious.
  15. Read a fascinating and long piece of journalism, the likes of which you might find on Longreads.com. Let yourself get absorbed in the story.
  16. Dance to great music. I recommend Reverie Sound Revue and Robot Science.
  17. Cook an elaborate meal, if you think you’re level-headed enough to be trusted in the kitchen.
  18. Journal about your feelings, recent events in your life, things you’ve been thinking about lately, and so on. Sometimes drugs can help you access a deeper, more authentic self than regular life tends to allow for.
  19. Do yoga or stretch. Feel how the weed makes the sensations register differently in your body.
  20. Sit and look out a window, contemplatively and at length, like you’re a sad boy in a Victorian-era novel. We so rarely spend time just being quiet with our thoughts these days.
  21. Watch videos of baby animals. No explanation necessary.
  22. Make art. Pull out your paints or pencils or tablet or what-have-you. If you’re feeling uninspired, start by picking a random object in your room to create a likeness of.
  23. Play a video game, especially one with beautiful graphics. Virtual worlds can feel extra immersive on drugs.
  24. Talk on the phone with someone who is also high. It’ll either be really weird or really funny or both.
  25. Eat snacks. “The munchies” are very real.
  26. Take sexy selfies for you and/or a sweetheart to enjoy later.
  27. Put on a cam show, either for your sweetheart or in a more public venue like FireCams. (Just be sure that this is something Sober You would’ve wanted to do, too!)
  28. Watch a really dramatic TV show like The L Word or Westworld and allow yourself to get swept up in the ensuing emotions.
  29. Answer questions on Reddit in subforums like /r/AskReddit, /r/AskWomen, or /r/Sex. (You can make a new account to do so anonymously if you prefer.) This activity typically requires some self-reflection, which weed’s creativity-boosting properties can help facilitate.
  30. Focus on your breathing, in a meditative manner, for as long as you like. Notice the thoughts that come up.

How are you spending your 4/20, friends?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How the Vacation Mindset Can Make You a Better Flirt

Kate Sloan

When you’re stuck at home, like so many of us are right now, it’s hard not to start planning what you’d like to do when you’re allowed to go out again. Or, more accurately, when you’re allowed to go back out into a world that has regained some modicum of normalcy.

Along these lines, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a book I read and reviewed a while ago, The Offline Dating Method by Camille Virginia. The book presents tips and techniques for striking up a conversation with a hot stranger in public, and then parlaying that conversation into a date or even a relationship. While the book seemed fun and frivolous (in a good way) to me when I read it, it seems even moreso now, when an in-person meet-cute seems as remote and perilous a possibility as a hookup on a mountaintop. But it’s a nice notion to ponder, when daydreaming optimistically about what will happen when public life reopens for business.

One of the many concepts I’ve retained from Camille’s book is her idea of the “vacation mindset” – the state of mind you get into when you’re visiting an unfamiliar place. Camille argues that being a fish out of water can help you shake off your stale old self-image and slip into something a little sexier, flirtier, flashier. It’s the reason I’ll often chat up bartenders in cities I’m unlikely to visit again, despite almost never doing that at home; it’s the reason I’ll smile at strangers on the street in Portland or Montreal but rarely Toronto; it’s even the reason I looked into Los Angeles escorts when I visited Burbank earlier this year. (Unfortunately, constraints on time and money ruled out that last one!) Being in a new place makes it easy to imagine being a new person – and even to move toward becoming that person.

See, if you feel trapped in an identity that is shy, reserved, and afraid, it’s easier to move away from those traits when no one around you actually knows what kind of person you are in your “regular life.” This was an exciting notion to me when I entered high school, for example, because I fully intended to cast off my long-outgrown plainness and step into a more fulfilling self-image – and I did! But the thing is, you don’t actually have to enter a new context in order to access this effect. You can trick yourself into embodying the vacation mindset without ever leaving your city.

I find this easiest to do in neighborhoods I don’t often visit, because – like when I’m on vacation – I have the sense that I’m unlikely to see the people around me very often, or ever again, in the future. You could strike up a convo with a barista at a café across town from you, for instance, or get to know the person sitting next to you at a comedy club you’ve never been to before. This helps create a sense of “having nothing to lose” which I find very freeing in social interactions. You can still fuck up this type of encounter, obviously, but if you do, you can just apologize and then disappear forever from the life of the person you’ve weirded out, like a socially awkward Macavity.

These types of seemingly low-stakes interactions can be good practice for higher-stakes ones. You’re building up your confidence, sure, but you’re also building up your mental picture of the type of person you want to become. Even if you feel like a nebbish nobody for most of the week, feeling like a fabulous flirt for even one night can give you a foothold into that mindset – and maybe one day you’ll be that charismatic charmer all the time!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Excellent Excuses to Dress Up In Your Own Home

Kate Sloan

I’m sure that, like me, you’ve been reading a lot of conflicting advice online about how to stay stuck at home without totally drowning in despair. Some people say, “Put on lipstick and real clothes every day so you feel put-together and normal!” while others say, “Wear pajamas and skip shaving for as long as you want – shit’s hard right now and you should be gentle with yourself!”

The thing is, both of these perspectives are correct. Lounging around in sweatpants is necessary and uplifting, at some times and for some people. So is dressing to the nines.

With that in mind, here are 5 excuses to put on a fancy/cute/weird outfit, even if you don’t plan on leaving your house for the foreseeable future – because I know that some of you, like me, are of a persuasion that enables fashion and beauty to lift your mood and bolster your confidence. You don’t need an excuse to get dressed, but if you want one, I’ve got some for you!

Attend an online event

A few friends of mine have been loving the nightly opera streams currently offered by the Met, and I can’t imagine an online event better suited to be dressed up for, especially given how fancy people usually get to attend the opera. You could wear a sequinned gown, a velvet suit, a long and flowing skirt, a giant fascinator in your hair… Whatever feels elegant and dressy to you!

That said, there are lots of other online events worth dressing up for, albeit not necessarily as formally as you would for the opera. I recently enjoyed attending a Risk livestream; there are online queer dance parties, literary panels, film festivals, and much more. These are relatively easy to dress for because you can just ask yourself, “What would I wear if I was attending this event IRL?” and then wear that.

Host a gathering

We’re entering the era of the Zoom party! May as well have a good time if we have to be stuck at home. Invite several of your favorite people to an online event. This, blessedly, usually takes less planning and preparation than an in-person rendezvous, and also enables you to invite people you don’t normally get to see because they live in different cities/countries/continents than you.

You could hold a get-together to mark your birthday or some other significant occasion. You could also just pick a theme (which often makes it easier to choose an outfit) and have a party for the heck of it. Toast to your shared circumstances and have a good time!

Do a photoshoot

If you’ve got extra time on your hands, as many of us do right now, you may as well spend it feeling sexy and documenting your cuteness! (Check out my post on at-home exhibitionism for more tips along these lines.) Put on something you don’t often get to wear, but that you feel amazing in – like a set of fancy lingerie or a hot leather jacket – and set up your phone or camera to take some self-portraits. Post ’em or don’t – it’s up to you.

Should you happen to be self-isolating with someone else who also wants to participate, you could take some snaps of each other. Hell, if you want, you could even schedule a time to video-call a similarly dolled-up friend and the two of you could take screenshots of one another while you strike various poses. Anything to distract you from the constant barrage of bad news, right?

Roleplay a sexy scenario

This is, of course, easiest if you happen to be holed up with a partner – but you don’t have to be. You could make plans to Skype your sweetie for a costumed teacher/student roleplay, for example, or tell your polycule to dress as various different superheroes for a fanciful group FaceTime call designed to devolve into an exhibitionistic touchless orgy.

You could even incorporate your medium of communication into the roleplay itself; for instance, sometimes my partner and I talk on the phone pretending I’m a hysteria patient who’s called in to a medical hotline for advice and guidance. You don’t have to let our current era’s limitations hamper your erotic imagination!

Put on a performance

There are a lot of jokes going around right now about the proliferation of Instagram Live broadcasts, but frankly, if reading the Twilight novels aloud to an online audience or casually painting while chatting with your followers is what gets you through this tough time, I say go right ahead! It’s probably a nice escape for the people tuning in as well.

Slither into a satin dress to play some ukulele tunes on Facebook. Don your best goth ensemble to perform some of the Stephen King oeuvre on YouTube. Bust out your tutu for an impromptu ballet show on Instagram. Fuck the haters; dressing up and performing are fun, and may well be helpful to the folks watching.

And hey, if you want to put on a sexy show, there are plenty of ways to do that, as you probably know… This Cirillas Fleshlight review and my review of the Vixen Bandit are great places to start if you’re looking for sex toys that help with a wee bit of exhibitionism!

Have you been getting dressed much lately? Any good outfits/stories/pieces of wisdom to share on the subject?

 

Heads up: this post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.