There are a few classic questions that come to mind for me when I think about people who turn to sex educators for advice. “Why can’t my girlfriend come from penetration alone?” is one of them; “Does dick size matter?” is another. But here is the one I want to talk to you about today: “Can I use [xyz household object] as a sex toy?”
My initial knee-jerk response is a resounding “NO,” but if I want to be a bit more nuanced and detailed (like the people who wrote this guide to homemade male sex toys), I have to acknowledge that there are cases in which makeshift “sex toys” can be relatively safe to use. Generally, products actually made and marketed for that usage are safer and healthier (toxic jelly toys and “for novelty use only” monstrosities notwithstanding), but if you fantasize about using particular household objects for pleasure – or you face other barriers to accessing real sex toys, whether financial, privacy-based, or otherwise – you deserve to know how to use those objects as safely as possible. I’m not a doctor or a sex toy engineer and this is not official advice (don’t sue me!), but here’s what I know…
First of all, and most basic, you’re going to want to look for an object that is smooth. It depends on what you plan on using it for, of course, but generally, sharp seams and other pointy bits are to be avoided. You may be able to sand these down with sandpaper if you’re that committed to the cause.
Next, in an ideal world, you’d only use products made of non-porous materials, so they can be sanitized effectively and won’t accumulate bacteria over time. Glass, metal, hard plastic, and 100% silicone are all non-porous, and properly lacquered wood can be effectively non-porous even if the wood itself is not. A couple of the makeshift sex toys I used in my youth fit these criteria – one was a metal tube a friend had given me for my birthday that was designed for storing a single tampon in (?!), and one was the gently curved end of a hard plastic stereo remote control. The non-porosity of these materials meant I could clean them fairly easily with soap and water or a disinfectant wipe.
Many people are curious about using fruits or vegetables as sex toys. I understand the fascination – some of them have really beautiful and pleasurable-looking shapes! I also know this can be a cost-effective way to test out what kinds of toy shapes and sizes you’re into, especially since you can carve these treats however you like. (Were your eyes bigger than your vagina when you bought that giant cucumber? No problem, just whittle it down!) But if you plan on going this route, PLEASE wrap the item in a condom, at the very least. It’ll protect you from what’s on the surface of the toy, whether that be scratchy textures or pesticide remnants, and will lessen the likelihood of you getting an infection from stuffing yourself with produce. I learned the hard way that the plastic wrapping on some fruits and veggies is not a good enough barrier when I accidentally scratched up my insides with some tiny-yet-sharp protruding bits of plastic on a cucumber’s encasement. Just take the plastic off and replace it with a condom. And change the condom every time you reuse your “toy” thereafter, please!
“Put a condom on it” is actually good advice for a wide array of objects you could stick inside yourself. Given that even the actual sex toy industry isn’t regulated so not all products therein are actually body-safe, objects not made for that usage are even riskier. Whether you’re using a shampoo bottle, an electric toothbrush, or anything else, repeat after me: Put a condom on it!
Speaking of electricity… When it comes to putting electronics inside yourself, just say no. Toothbrushes are an odd example because they have to be moisture-resistant due to the nature of what they do, but even they are probably safest to use only externally, not internally. You don’t want to ruin your buzz (or your genitals) by accidentally zapping yourself mid-wank!
In addition, it’s my responsibility as a sex educator to tell you that you should not insert anything in your ass that doesn’t have a flared base. (Google “flared base butt plug” if you need a visual aid.) I also just generally wouldn’t recommend putting anything “makeshift” in your butt, because that area is more sensitive and more easily damaged than, say, a vagina or a penis, and it’s just not worth the risk, IMO.
Finally, please don’t fuck yourself with any items that other people in your household use, unless you have their explicit consent to do so. It doesn’t matter how clean you get it after you use it; it’s still a consent violation, and potentially a health and safety hazard, for other people who might encounter that object in your home later on.
Have you ever used a makeshift/homemade sex toy? How did it go?
This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Of the three functions, the vibration is the least interesting to me, both because I already own a zillion vibrators and because these particular vibrations are pretty buzzy. But the other two functions, especially when used in tandem, are tantalizing. The light clitoral suction produced by pressure-wave technology is a very “treble-y” sensation, high-pitched and pinpointed sometimes to the point of being cloying, but here it is tempered by the comparative “bassiness” of that rumbling G-spot stimulator. The thrumming slows down quite a bit when inserted vaginally, as the motor works hard to fight against my restrictive flesh, but I can definitely still register it. When I use both functions in concert, both these crucial buttons get pushed so directly that a “whoa, I’m gonna come!” feeling creeps up faster than expected. I don’t even need to turn the vibrations on, and they’re so buzzy that I usually don’t.
I also noticed that I have a tendency to accidentally bump buttons when I try to thrust with this toy, because of where the control panel is placed. But I think it’s not really meant to be thrusted, so maybe this wouldn’t bother most users.
There’s a seam running all the way around the middle of the toy – a fairly common flaw among vibrators – but Dame has leaned into it by discussing it as a feature rather than a bug. They call it a “beaked tip” ideal for pinpoint clitoral stimulation. I tend to like my clit stimulation a bit broader, but if you prefer the tiniest of touches on your clit, this seam/ridge can focus the toy’s powerful vibrations into a very small area so you can get the specificity you need.
At first, I wasn’t sure which side of the vibe was meant to be inserted, but the instructions noted that the bigger side – the devil’s head – is the side that contains the motion sensor for the toy’s Kegel functionalities, so that’s the one that should be inserted. There are two “devil’s horns” on that side that are a little uncomfortable upon insertion, but once inside, I don’t find them especially noticeable. The smaller, external arm has some ridges on it that don’t do much for me in terms of stimulation, but seem to help the toy stay anchored in place better, even when I’m not wearing underwear.
While the toy can be controlled without the use of its app, I wouldn’t recommend using it that way. There’s only one button on the toy, and it can be used to cycle through various patterns and speeds, but it’s an annoying process and using the app is much easier and more intuitive. The app (which is available for both iOS and Android) offers multiple different ways of controlling the toy’s vibrations, including a “motion control” mode that makes the vibrations flare up when you shake your phone, a “touch mode” that responds to your fingers swiping/tapping your phone screen, and a series of fixed modes. You can also design custom vibration patterns and download patterns that other users have made.
The flagship feature of Monster Pub vibes, however, is their Kegel exercise system. The toy contains a sensor that can detect how much pressure your pelvic muscles exert on it, so when you load up a Kegel regimen on the app, you can see in real-time how strong your muscles are. The app leads you through a workout involving timed intervals of squeezing and releasing, complete with reminders to inhale and exhale – it’s actually kind of 