urinary tract infection

The 6 Best Songs I’ve Written About Sex This Year

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb

Been a minute since I mentioned my SongAWeek challenge here, dear readers, but it’s still going strong… Just yesterday I uploaded my 34th song of the year, in fact!

They’re not all about sex – some of them are about tattoos, fascism, dragonflies, Zionism, and gamer boys – but, well, you know me: sexuality is my favorite subject to write about, regardless of the medium. Today I’m gonna depart from my usual sexual prose, and instead share some sexual lyrics. Here are the six best sex-related songs I’ve written so far in 2025. (All are purchasable and streamable on Bandcamp, which is a great way to support my work so I can continue writing!)

Song title: The Natural Way
Song topic: Menstrual sex
How it came to be: The first voice memo in my songwriting process for this one is titled “countryish period sex concept.mp3” and begins with me muttering, “I don’t know why it’s a country song, but…” before launching into it. I had wanted to write a song about period sex for a long time, partly because I love the great Rachel Lark song on the same subject, but partly just ’cause I have a lot of strong opinions about period sex. I drafted the lyrics in my songwriting notebook and for some reason it just always sounded like a twangy country song in my head, complete with bad fake Southern accent. I considered a bunch of alternate titles, like “Red Wings,” “Hemophobia,” and “Just a Little Blood,” before settling on “The Natural Way.”

Lyrics:

It’s Friday night, it’s date night, and I’m just confirming plans
‘Cause I know what I wanna do tonight, and it involves you, man!
But perhaps we should postpone to a different night instead
‘Cause I just checked my panties and I see a bit of red…

I know we’ve never talked about it; I don’t know your stance
But I’m hoping you will part the crimson seas and take a chance
The best-laid plans for getting laid can quickly be undone
‘Cause a little hemophobia can ruin all the fun, so…

CHORUS:
Use your teeth to take my tampon out, and
Help relieve my cramps; I love to
Kill my pain the natural way
Red wings won’t let you fall
So leave a handprint on the wall
And then I’ll know for sure that you are gonna stay

How can you be horrified? It’s only menstruation
It happens every month to nearly half the population!
I’m not asking you to flay me, or to wrestle me in mud
I’m just askin’ for some passion, ’cause it’s just a bit of blood!

(repeat chorus)

I’ll respect your boundaries,  but I’ve got some of my own:
If you’d rather keep blood off your hands, I’d rather be alone
‘Cause at any time of day, and at any time of month
I deserve somebody who will faceplant in my cunt!

(repeat chorus)

Eat it raw and bloody like your steak
Get caught red-handed every ding-dong day!

Song title: Make It Hurt
Song topic: Masochism
How it came to be: I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep one night, when suddenly a line of a song popped into my head fully-formed: “Ooh baby, make it hurt; it doesn’t mean nothin’ unless it’s the worst.” I lumbered out of bed to dutifully record a voice memo so I wouldn’t forget this fragment overnight. The next morning I wrote the rest of the song, choosing a Dorian-mode chord progression, since that was the weekly theme in my online songwriters’ group that week. Pretty intuitive and easy songwriting process overall for this one, maybe because masochism is a subject I’d already dissected at length in many mediums before!

Lyrics:

CHORUS:
Ooh baby, make it hurt
It doesn’t mean nothin’ unless it’s the worst
It’s true, baby – you can flirt
But follow through – I want you to make it hurt

I’ve got particular tastes, unusual wishes
Like: sometimes a sprinkling of pain can be so delicious
Can you handle it? Will you question it? Say I’m out of my mind?
Or will you try it out? Make me cry it out? That’s a way to be kind, so…

(repeat chorus)

Your brain has been trained to be sweet and gentle
Well, that’s easily solved if the hurdles are mental
We could play pretend, like we’re childhood friends – you’re a villain with a plan
You’d be faking it til you’re making it; I believe that you can! So…

(repeat chorus)

Why do I always hurt myself,
Even when it’s through someone else?
Why do I push til I bruise and bleed?
Why is this what I need?

(repeat chorus)

Song title: Don’t Fuck People Who…
Song topic: The importance of having sexual standards
How it came to be: I had been on some dates with people who hadn’t asked me questions, and it bummed me out sufficiently that I had to process it through song. A couple days after writing it, I decided to add the little Vaudeville-y intro section at the beginning, to contextualize the rest of the song. Naturally, I had to wear my “Slut for Kindness” T-shirt in the video!

Lyrics:

I went through a slutty phase; I don’t regret my slutty days
They were mostly good, but sometimes bad
So, for all the other daters looking for a lover later,
Here is some advice I wish I’d had…

Don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh – that’s a reasonable rule!
Yeah, don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh, ’cause a sense of humor is cool
If they can’t even make you chuckle, don’t you think the way they fuck’ll also be a horrifying bore?
So, don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh, ’cause life’s too fucking short!

Don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions, ’cause curiosity is great
Yeah, don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions – why are they even on a date?!
If they won’t show a scrap of interest, why would sex be any different? Trust me, ’cause I’ve seen it all before:
Please, don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions, ’cause life’s too fucking short!

I know these rules may seem a bit restrictive
And sometimes, you’re just looking to get laid
I don’t mean to scare you – I just want to spare you
From all of the mistakes that I have made, so…

Don’t fuck people who make you feel bad – there’s no reason you should
Yeah, don’t fuck people who make you feel bad, ’cause you deserve to feel good!
First dates are for best behavior; it will not get better later – might as well just walk right out the door
Please, don’t fuck people who make you feel bad, ’cause life’s too fucking short for bad fucking!
Life’s too fucking short!

Song title: Hymen Hymn
Song topic: Virginity myths and slut-shaming
How it came to be: I was typing the word “hymen” at some point and accidentally typed “hymn” instead, and a song idea was born. Many months later, I fleshed it out into this, a satirical choral piece about shitty patriarchal virginity myths. It’s rare that I sing in a more classical style like this when performing my own songs, but I was an alto section leader in a children’s choir for several years as a youth and it’s fun to return to that choral vibe sometimes!

Lyrics:

All hail the hymen, the harbinger of sin
It stands guard at the opening, and will not let you in
Imbued with meaning and divinity,
It’s said to be a marker of virginity

All hail the hymen, doer of good deeds
Marking the event with an obligatory bleed
Some say it was nothing; some say it was the worst
Some say you reap just what you sow, and that is why it hurts

CHORUS:
Don’t push, don’t rush
Slow down your touch
I promise, if you put the time in,
You don’t have to hurt your hymen

All hail the hymen, scapegoat of the damned
Having or not having one determines who I am:
A virgin or a slut, insatiable or frigid
It’s not the most precise approach to diagnostics, is it?

All hail the hymen, so misunderstood
It is just a body part; it isn’t bad or good
And how can it be moral, how can it be right
To check a woman’s cherry on her wedding night?

(repeat chorus)

Song title: UTI
Song topic: Urinary tract infections
How it came to be: I started improvising this song over some basic chords at a time when I did indeed have a UTI. It was often an isolating and humbling experience in my twenties, when usually it would happen to me after a hookup with some random guy and I would feel left alone with the pain after we parted ways. It was interesting to try to capture that feeling in a song.

Lyrics:

I’ve got a UTI again; it makes me wanna cry again
I’m chugging cranberry, but still, I am very inflamed
I’ve got a UTI again, after sex with some guy again
He left quite some time ago; I don’t remember his name

The sad part: it’s my own fault – could’ve pissed the bacteria to hell
But as always, that’s the hard part: taking good care of myself

So I’ve got a UTI again – that’s $49.95 again
For the meds that I take for the ache from my gut to my knees
I’ve got a UTI again – I could go DIY again
I demand my D-Mannose! (I hope you don’t know what that means)

Should’ve stayed home in my room and played with my toys
‘Cause my body never trusts me when I’m with untrustworthy boys

I’ve got a UTI again, and it makes me bone-dry again
Pleasure is only a memory, a ghost I once knew
And I’m tired of the agony; I’m at odds with my anatomy
I’ve got a UTI again; I think I’m gonna cry again

Song title: Touch-Me-Not
Song topic: Asexuality
How it came to be: Kind of a silly origin story on this one… Late one night I was hanging out with some musical improv pals, and we started improvising songs over random instrumental tracks from YouTube. I got the suggestions of “sunglasses” and “bees,” and was given a beautiful, melancholy backing track to improvise over. My song was about using sunglasses as protection from a bee attack, and the chorus had goofy lyrics (“It’s only my shades/ that keep me safe from the bees/ from the bees…”) but had a super pretty melody, which I liked enough to record briefly on my phone that night before I went to sleep. That melody fragment ended up becoming the chorus of this song (“I like you so much, but/ don’t want you to touch me at all/ not at all”). I had been working on a song about the realization that I might be even further along the asexual spectrum than I’d realized, and I made practically no headway on it until I landed on this chorus, at which point the rest just flowed out of me. It’s a really personal and important song to me. 💜

Lyrics:

It’s been a lovely night, but I think I’ve had my fill
I don’t know how to say this, so I guess I just will:
It hasn’t been long enough since we first met
And the things I think you want, I don’t want yet

CHORUS:
I like you so much, but don’t want you to touch me at all
Not at all
I like you so much, but don’t want you to touch me at all
Not at all

There’s nothing wrong with going fast, but I like to go slow
Why do we like the things we like? Nobody really knows, but
You gotta work with what you got – make no apology
And there are things you like a lot, that I could take or leave

(repeat chorus)

I’m not a prude, I’m not a tease
It isn’t rude to say what I need
So you’ll be out late, loving someone
And I’ll be home alone, having so much fun!

(repeat chorus)

I don’t wanna do something that someday I might regret
I like you so much but don’t want you to touch me yet
I don’t wanna do something that someday I might regret
I like you so much but don’t want you to touch me

Quick Tips For Preventing and Treating UTIs

Kate Sloan

If you have a vulva, you’ve probably had a urinary tract infection in your life. Or perhaps a whole lot of them. I know I have.

Because they suck and I don’t want you to go through them, here’s a quick tip sheet for preventing and avoiding ‘em.

Super-obvious disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any kind, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt and check with your doctor if you’re unsure about anything. These tips are intended only for prevention and possibly very early treatment; if you’ve had an infection for more than a day or so and it isn’t going away, GO TO THE DOCTOR! UTIs can easily spread to your kidneys, which is bad news. Go go go.

Also, these tips are mostly intended for folks who have a vulva and vagina. I’m sure that many of the same tips apply to people who have penises, but I am not one of those people so I haven’t tested these suggestions for that kind of body.

Prevention

1. Stay hydrated. The more frequently you pee, the harder it is for bacteria to get a foothold in your urinary tract. Simple as that.

2. When you have to pee, PEE. Don’t hold it in for ages, if you can help it. Go ASAP. (This sometimes means strategically ignoring prevention tip #1. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a bathroomless room for hours, it may be in your best interest to drink less water than you normally would, so you won’t have to hold it.)

3. Increase your cranberry intake. Cranberry juice (the unsweetened kind, not the sugary “cranberry juice cocktail” kind) has been proven to cut down on UTIs. If you can’t handle the bitter, tart flavor of the juice, you could also take cranberry pills.

4. Wipe from front to back only. Everyone with a vulva should already know this, but incase you didn’t… there you go. Fecal bacteria should never get anywhere near your urethra if you can help it.

5. Consume more alkaline foods. I can’t find 100% scientific confirmation of this, but some people swear that changing their diet to include more alkaline foods has helped their recurrent UTIs, since it changes the pH of your urine and therefore makes your urinary tract a more hostile environment for bacteria. Here’s a list of highly alkaline-forming foods and drinks.

6. Only insert clean things into your vagina. Keep your sex toys clean. Wash your hands before masturbating. Tell your lover(s) to keep their hands and nails clean. This is basic stuff but a lot of people forget about it.

7. Wear all- or mostly-cotton underwear, and not thongs. Cotton allows your vag to “breathe,” which helps with a whole host of potential vaginal and urinary issues. Thongs, on the other hand, can transport fecal bacteria from your butt to your vagina and/or urethra, so they’re best avoided if you have trouble with UTIs or other genital infections.

Treatment

1. Drink a fuckton of water. Grab your biggest glass or bottle. Fill it with water. Drink it all. Pee when you have to. Repeat at least until peeing is no longer painful. If you catch your infection early enough, you may be able to flush it out this way (indeed, this is the main way I deal with UTIs, and I only end up needing to get antibiotics for maybe 1 out of every 5 UTIs I contract because this method is so effective for me).

2. Take some D-Mannose. It’s a white powder that you stir into water and drink. I have heard that cranberries may contain traces of D-Mannose and that this may be the reason cranberries are deemed effective against UTIs, but, again, there’s a lot of scientific disagreement and confusion about most things sexual. All I know is that a spoonful of D-Mannose in a huge glass of water has stopped my UTIs in their tracks many a time.

3. GO TO THE DAMN DOCTOR. Seriously, please do. If drinking tons of water doesn’t make a dent in your UTI after the first day or so, you need to get your ass to a doc and get some medicine. It may be a drag, but trust me, when the infection spreads to your kidneys and you’re sitting in the emergency room in a terrific amount of pain, you will wish you had gone to the doctor earlier. (And remember: whenever you take antibiotics, you should also take probiotics – either in pill form or through foods/drinks like yogurt or kombucha – to avoid getting a yeast infection from the medication.)

What’s your go-to preventative measure or home treatment for UTIs?

5 Products Your Vagina Needs to Know About

Kate Sloan

I’ve had two cases of BV and countless UTIs in the past couple years, and as a result, I fret a lot about my vagina these days. There’s nothing actively hazardous about it; it just seems to be prone to problems. In a way, it reminds me of a child who’s particularly nerdy and sensitive, who makes you want to protect him from the bullies at school. Except in this case, the “bullies” are infections.

Because I love you, dear reader, and I care about your vaginal health (or that of the female-bodied folks in your life), here are some items that make my vagina’s life a whole lot easier.

DivaWash. Manufactured by the same people who make the DivaCup, DivaWash is a pH-balanced, all-natural, super gentle cleanser. It’s meant for “face, body, and the DivaCup,” but since one of those things is designed to go inside my vag, I figured the wash itself is vulva-safe. And it is. I’ve been using it as my exclusive vulva-cleansing product for years now (except for this one time when I was on vacation and had to use regular soap, which resulted in a scorching case of BV). It’s soooo gentle and has only the tiniest hint of natural fragrance, so it’s not irritating or drying at all. Of course, the best way to clean a vulva is with plain water, but if you like a leeeetle bit more oomph, DivaWash is the way to go.

D-Mannose. I used to get a urinary tract infection about once a month, seemingly brought on by sex. For those of you who have never had a UTI, trust, it’s miserable. And it can spread to your bladder and then to your kidneys (yes, this happened to me – it’s not fun, don’t do it!). Then someone told me about D-Mannose. It’s a tasteless, odourless powder which you stir into a glass of water and drink up. It makes the insides of your bladder and urinary tract all slippery so the bacteria can’t hang on. Every time I feel a UTI-like twinge of pain, I have some D-Mannose, and the discomfort melts away within hours. It’s a miracle product!

Menstrual cups. Obvi. But please be aware that there are options other than the ones you’ve probably heard of (DivaCup, SoftCups, and maybe the Keeper). I spent a lot of time in the LiveJournal community for cup users when my DivaCup started to fail me, and I found out that not everyone can or should use the same kind of cup. Vaginas come in many different shapes and sizes and the cup selection reflects that! After much experimentation, my cup of choice these days is a large Yuuki. It’s big and firm, never leaks, never feels uncomfortable to me, and basically I want to marry it. What’s your goldilocks cup?

Extra virgin coconut oil. This stuff is flawless. You can use it on your face, hair, body, and – yes! – your vulva. I like it as a lube for my glass and steel toys, and it also works wonderfully as a post-shave moisturizer. (Even better if you can convince your lover to massage it into your skin!)

Plain yogurt. Some people put it in their vagina. I haven’t quite been able to bring myself to do that yet. But, if you’re ever on antibiotics for anything, and you’re even slightly prone to yeast infections, you should get on a daily regimen of eating plain yogurt with active bacterial cultures in it, at least for the duration of your treatment. It’ll keep your vag full of happy bacteria that fights off the bad guys and prevents the Cottage Cheese Discharge of Doom. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

I wish you the best of vaginal health, always. ♥

Sharing the Sexy #5

Kate Sloan

• Have you entered my giveaway yet? (FYI: I’ve added some extra conditions to the rules at the bottom, since some people didn’t quite understand a couple of the entry conditions.)

• Suffer from chronic urinary tract infections? Read and learn.

• Some guy tried to burn his pubes off. People are idiots.

• A 26-year-old woman answers questions about being into bestiality. Personally I believe that only adult humans can truly give consent to have sex with other humans, and that “consent” from any other type of creature (whether that be a human child, a dog, or whatever else) does not count and should not be acted upon. What do you think?

• This old video from Playboy TV discusses Kegel exercises, pelvic health, and the Kegelcisor. I just bought one and am excited to try it out!

• Dodson and Ross: can you ruin your clit with too much pressure? I had an ex who could only get herself off by grinding against furniture. Have you overcome something like this?

• Stevie Wonder said something homophobic but is now back-pedaling on it.

• This guy’s penis is (according to him) 10 inches long and 7 inches in circumference (that’s about 2.2 inches in diameter). In other words, he’s as thick as a Tantus T-Rex and even longer. In that post, he describes some of the sexual problems he’s encountered. Remember, folks: bigger is not always better. (Plus, he has the idea that he’ll only feel he’s satisfied his partner when she has penetrative orgasms, which is a whole other problem…)

• I don’t know how you feel about NC17-rated Glee fanfiction (I don’t even watch Glee, myself), but this gal sometimes writes “alternate universe” stories in which Kurt is a pre-op trans guy.

• Lately I’ve been reading the blogs of a couple who are in a consensual “Daddy/little girl” relationship: Daddy Vinnie and A Lolita’s Life. While I wouldn’t want to be in a 24/7 relationship like this, I’ve certainly had lolita fantasies before.

• Conservatives are mad that there’s a not-so-obviously gay character in ParaNorman. I thought it was really clever and wonderful. The comments are great too: “If a parent isn’t prepared to answer some unwanted questions… then chances are, they aren’t prepared to be a parent in the first place. Do these people ever stop clutching their pearls?”

• This anti-rape ad campaign is excellent – and, for once, doesn’t involve victim-blaming.

• Roland writes about creep shaming. In my view, guys who go on tirades about how creep shaming is “oppressive” and a “women’s privilege” are totally ignoring the glaring fact that “creep” is literally one of the only truly hurtful words that can be used on men (as compared to all the zillions of mean words that men call women all the time, like “slut,” “bitch,” and “prude”). Not to mention that women need a word to describe men who have made them uncomfortable, and “creep” isn’t typically a word that’s used lightly, unlike “whore” and “bitch.”

• The Frisky asks: what are the weirdest places you’ve masturbated?