We all do scary things all the time, whether we consciously notice it or not. Hell, even getting out of bed each morning when the world is so chaotic is a brave-ass thing to do.
Each year I write here about 2 major fears I conquered over the course of the year, as a reminder to myself and to others that (as Glennon Doyle says) we can do hard things. There’s always more to learn, more hurdles to jump, and more courage to call upon. Here are the 2 big fears I defeated in 2020…
Cutting my hair short
All the way back to middle school, I read a lot of magazines aimed at women and girls. This had some upsides – allowing me to explore nascent interests in sex and fashion, for instance – but a lot of downsides, one of which was that I grew very self-conscious about so-called “flaws” like my pear-shaped body or my large forehead. The proliferation of these types of “teachings” may have been reduced in recent years due to the body-positivity movement (not to mention the many many fat babes who spearhead it), but the damage was done. I and many other women had come to view fundamental parts of our physical selves as something to be covered up and worked around.
Because I have a round face and a big forehead, the conventional wisdom is that my hair should be shaped a certain way to de-emphasize those traits. For a long time I wore it long, with sideswept bangs, to conceal the true contours of my face. But who was I kidding? And, more importantly: why did I care so much?
It’s taken me literal decades to get to a place of relative comfort with my appearance, and even that still comes and goes depending on the day. One decision I’m proudest of in that realm is cutting my hair to chin-length last December. I was sick and tired of my long frizzy curls, which had felt more cumbersome than joyful for a while. I also wanted a haircut that said something about who I am, rather than just allowing me to blend into the background. I used to dress unremarkably when my social anxiety was at its height, because I didn’t want anyone to look at me or notice me – but that was no longer the case! Now I wanted to be seen – and not only that, but to be seen for who I really am: a queer, kinky, feminist, clever, accomplished, professional, foxy lady.
My long-time hairdresser Paul at Avalon Hair Design looked at the reference images I’d collected for him and knew exactly what to do. He gave me a short, asymmetrical haircut that’s a bit longer in the front; it’s modern, unusual, and works well with my natural curls. I’ve loved it all year, and have felt much more visible since getting it, both as a queer person and just as a person. Thanks, Paul!
I can think of few other things in life that have simultaneously attracted me and terrified me the way the idea of marriage does/did. I’m a huge introvert so I had trouble conceiving of a life where there would always be another person around – but, more pressingly than that, I worried I didn’t have what it took to be loved in the long-term. My past relationships had often fizzled when I or the other person lost interest and ended things, and it seemed risky as hell to make a public, legal commitment to stay in a relationship when there’s a chance it could fall apart at any time.
But in multiple chats with both my therapist and my now-spouse, I uncovered the ways in which these fears were largely based on my own insecurities and traumas, and were therefore not super relevant to my current (healthy, communicative, loving) relationship. Sure, it’s normal to want to tread carefully when making a big life decision like getting married, but that doesn’t automatically mean it’s a bad decision.
Getting married to Matt was actually one of the easiest and most right-feeling things I’ve ever done, once I managed to set aside the trauma-borne negativity that nagged at me when we first started discussing it. I’ve never met anyone else I felt as compatible with in a long-term kind of way, nor have I ever felt this unconditionally, unendingly loved in a relationship before. I have no doubt that there will be struggles and setbacks in our married life, of the kind that every couple encounters, but I know with certainty that I am with someone who will patiently face those struggles with me and do what it takes to work through them.
It’s wild to be writing this here. I wonder what my teenage self would think if she could read this. Starting this blog at age 19, I don’t think I ever even considered the possibility that I would one day chronicle my engagement and marriage here. But it makes sense that I would: Matt and I met through the sex-blogosphere, and our relationship has blossomed in the public eye. It’s been so wonderful to get to share my happy news with you during this hell-year; thank you so much, as ever, for your support and positivity, and for celebrating our joys with us. ❤️
What fears did you conquer this year? (I’m proud of you!!)
This has been a more difficult year than usual for me to keep track of memorable sexual experiences in my mind. Not because I didn’t have any good or great sex this year – I had a lot! – but because normally I have some situational or locational markers to help me remember specific instances better. In 2020, there was no “that time we did watersports after a night out at a cocktail bar” or “that time we used a new toy we’d just picked up at the local sex shop” or “that time we fucked immediately upon finally arriving at our hotel after a cross-country flight.” There was, however, a lot of “that time we had sex in bed after hanging out in bed all day.” 😂
As a result of these circumstances + the way my brain organizes sexual experiences, I don’t remember the exact dates of every stellar rendezvous I had this year, despite (still) keeping a sex spreadsheet. But I remember the feelings, and the vibes (so to speak), and the highlights – which is sort of how I feel about 2020, too. So today I’ll tell you about some of the best encounters I do remember.
I’ve also thrown in a little write-up from Matt about each of these, like I did last year, because it’s fun to hear both perspectives sometimes. Enjoy!
Non-reciprocal (but surprisingly reciprocal) oral
My very first sexual partner, back in 2008–2009, could have orgasms from going down on me. You can see how this experience might lead a person to be disappointed by subsequent relationships where that didn’t happen!
Of course, I know how uncommon and unrealistic this is for most people. It makes for a great fantasy – that someone could find your pleasure and your genitals soooo hot that it could make them come, basically untouched – but it just isn’t how most people’s bodies work. And yet, somehow, a decade after that first sexual relationship, I found myself dating (and eventually married to) someone who happened to have the same talent.
Some of my most satisfying sexual experiences this year were times when my love went down on me – slow, gradually escalating, dedicated, and reverent – and brought me to an orgasm so intense that it made them come against the bedsheets in the same moment. Sometimes this happened while they were in chastity, which makes sense, what with their sensitivity being amped up and orgasm threshold lowered – but sometimes it was just sorta random.
I am very lucky to have a sweetheart who loves giving oral sex that much. It feels powerful to me every time, and affirms that I am actually hot, even at times when I severely doubt that to be true. Some people chase and fetishize the elusive simultaneous orgasm during PIV – but I prefer a simultaneous orgasm during oral, tbh!
Matt says: I’ve always been a little embarrassed with past partners when I’ve come from going down on them, because of what culture tells us about “premature” ejaculation. The fact is that eating pussy is one of my all-time favorite sex acts, so of course it turns me on. And sometimes tasting someone come in my mouth is enough to push me over the edge. The first time this happened with you, I was shy to admit it at first, but when you reacted with a loving giggle and a beaming smile, I knew you were into it. This is also the most frequent way I experience simultaneous orgasms, with my orgasm almost always beginning just as you start to come and peaking as I work hard to maintain the rhythm of my tongue on your clit and ride out the waves of pleasure. It’s definitely worth the cleanup.
Slapping their cock to orgasm (content note: inflicting pain on a penis)
One of the kinks Matt and I explored more this year was CBT (that’s cock and ball torture, not cognitive-behavioral therapy!). While many people with dicks are scared to death of any pain or injury befalling that area (and reasonably so), personally I think it’s nice to mix a little pain in with my pleasure – and fortunately, my spouse agrees.
We had experimented with occasional cock-slaps here and there, but one night in June after they’d already made me come with my Bandit and Eroscillator, we got into some dick-slapping that was much more purposeful and concentrated. After a few minutes of teasing slaps, I realized that it seemed like they could come from the hits I was raining down on their dick. (One of the benefits of being in a long-term sexual relationship can be developing the ability to sense such things.) I kept up my rhythm, the slaps becoming gradually more firm and fast, until eventually, they came hard, whining and whimpering.
Though I’m not much of a natural domme, there is something thrillingly powerful about being able to give someone a totally new-to-them type of orgasm. I’ve subsequently improved my CBT skillz and can now make them come with slaps pretty easily and consistently. Cool!
Matt says: I don’t remember exactly how we started doing CBT together. But I definitely remember the first time I came from it. I was in a subby, trancey headspace and every one of your slaps was making my cock harder. I felt myself beginning to leak precum against your hand and craving release. I didn’t know it was possible for me to come from slapping alone, but I felt myself getting closer as your hits became more rhythmic and focused on my frenulum. I asked for permission to come, and had one of the most intense orgasms of the entire year. It’s amazing to learn a new way to come, and we’ve had a lot of fun playing with it since.
Wedding night sex
Of course, there are traditionally a lot of expectations heaped onto the night of one’s wedding, sexually speaking – and though we wanted to make it special, we also knew it was just one night of many, many, many nights we’ll spend together as a married couple, so there was no need to put undue pressure on ourselves.
After our post-wedding dinner with a few friends, we checked into the Conrad Hotel for the night, where they had set up champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries in our suite (aww). After some kissing, cuddling, and decompressing, Matt fucked me with the Njoy Eleven – the dildo that indirectly led to us meeting in 2017, because they mentioned on Twitter that they liked my review of it – while I used the Eroscillator on myself. (I remember the way their brand-new wedding ring clinked against the metal of the Eleven…) Then we had good ol’ PIV. Classic.
It surprised me to notice that despite wedding night sex being considered “special,” an anomaly, in real life it actually felt pretty similar to great sex we might have on an average day, save for the location (and the fact that we had to peel off our formalwear beforehand!). I reject the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex (for myself, anyway – you do you), because it prevents you from assessing your sexual compatibility with the person you plan on tethering your life to – and the flipside of that coin is that I already knew I love fucking Matt, and that I could be happy doing so for the rest of my life. That night just confirmed it.
Matt says: Romantic! We were a little drunk and a lot exhausted, but we weren’t going to waste a beautiful hotel room and our wedding night by going to bed early. After some champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, I fumbled around trying to figure out the complicated lighting system and went down on you in the dark for what felt like the perfect amount of time. I knew I wanted you to come on the Eleven, like we discussed. And I knew I wanted to come inside you. So that’s exactly what happened. It couldn’t have been more perfect. And then we fucked once more in the morning, for good measure.
Hope it was a wonderful year in your sex life, too (if that’s what you want/enjoy)!
Every December, I write about some of the most significant selfies I took throughout the year. Despite the fact that I spent most of 2020 sitting on my couch in my pajamas (anyone else?!), I nonetheless managed to take many photos of special moments with special people. Here are 7 of my faves!
January 13th
This was taken while Bex and I were on a work trip to Burbank, California. We had been provisionally hired to helm a sex magazine which never ended up happening (thanks, COVID) and had to spend a couple days chatting with fellow sex-industry professionals at ANME and learning about the latest innovations in the sex toy field.
They have legal weed over there, so we got a little silly. I snapped this selfie on our way back into our hotel after a smoke break in the parking lot; I had gotten wayyy too high on that legendarily strong California kush, and my childlike glee started to break through the veneer of polished adulthood we’d had to project all day at the tradeshow. Bex, sensing my over-intoxication, helped me plan my next steps, and when we got back to our room, he encouraged me to get into a hot bath and call my partner so they could take care of me over the phone.
I love this picture because it captures so much of what I love most about my friendship with Bex: our ability to make each other howl with laughter. It’s the reason our podcast has remained so fun to do all these years, and it’s one of the things I missed most about my normal, pre-pandemic social life while everything was up in the air this year.
January 17th
It’s still so wild to me that I wrote a book. It’s not coming out until September 2021, but at this point it’s been so long since I actually wrote the thing that sometimes I forget what my daily routine was like during that process. My calendar archives make it very clear, however, that I was surprisingly disciplined and productive for a chronically fatigued person, generally writing 2 short chapters every weekday for about 3 months. I’m proud of myself!
This photo was taken the night of my official book deadline. I’d submitted the completed manuscript a couple days earlier, because I have way too much anxiety to leave things like that to the last minute, but it still felt like a momentous day. My partner and my friends encouraged me to get dressed up and go out for a solo date to celebrate. I put on one of my favorite dresses and a full face of pretty makeup, and walked down to the Fairmont Royal York hotel, which contains the Library Bar, an ornate and auspicious salon filled with good books and excellent cocktails. It’s the same place Matt and I went when I ceremonially signed my book contract and had some celebratory drinks, so it made sense to return there when the book was finished, albeit by myself.
I have a lot of trouble acknowledging and celebrating my own achievements, even big ones. Part of me always believes I didn’t quite earn them, or that something will go disastrously wrong and I’ll embarrass myself somehow if I actually take ownership of what I’ve achieved. But it felt good to sip a dirty martini by myself and write in my journal about how proud I was to have written a whole goddamn book.
February 22nd
Doing shrooms for the first time was one of the oddest things I did all year. I took them (in tea form) in the early afternoon, and what followed was basically a full day of laughing, crying, dancing, marching, hallucinating, joking, and singing. Fortunately my trip-sitter and friend Brent willingly put up with all of it.
I think I took this selfie when Brent had stepped out of the room for a few minutes. His presence had been an anchor to my floaty mind, and I’d gotten mildly panicky every previous time he’d tried to step out, so this time I picked up my phone (even though my phone had been unofficially off-limits to me all day because of the loopy things I might tweet) and texted my partner so I could make it through the duration until Brent got back. But in classic “me” fashion, I also needed to take a selfie.
This picture really captures the childlike giddiness I felt for much of my shrooms trip. While I didn’t necessarily have any of the “epiphanies” many people report from psychedelics, the experience did lead me to reflect on the artifice and malleability of (some aspects of) identity – and truth be told, I like the part of me that’s silly and happy-go-lucky, whether she shows up in an age-play scene or during a shrooms trip. This photo shows a side of me I sometimes ignore or repress, but I’d probably be much happier if I let her out to play more often, like I did on that day.
March 8th
This picture is important to me because it was taken at the last big event I went to before the coronavirus shut everything down.
My mom and I went for dinner at Insomnia – y’all, I miss their kale salad with grilled chicken so much that my stomach made excited anticipatory noises as I was writing this sentence – and then we walked across the street to the Bloor Cinema, where Drunk Feminist Films was holding a screening of Cats. I had thus far avoided seeing Cats even though everyone was saying it was the most outrageously goodbad movie in decades, but I knew Drunk Feminist Films would be the best possible setting in which to see it, and I was right.
As far as “last major outings before a global pandemic” go, this one was pretty excellent. I was wearing pink sequinned cat ears. I was quite tipsy. I was with my mom, who I love and who makes me laugh a lot. There were whispers about “that coronavirus thing” but I wasn’t all that concerned yet. And I got to scream at the screen, along with hundreds of other raucous feminists, about Judi Dench breaking the fourth wall and Ian McKellen drinking milk from a bowl. I have a few coronavirus-related regrets from this year, but attending that screening of Cats is not one of them.
June 20th
After months of staying at home, the case numbers finally started to decrease to a level where I felt comfortable visiting my family, who had also remained at home except for essential trips to the grocery store or pharmacy. My mom picked up Matt and me and drove us to her house, where we drank martinis in the back yard with my mom and brother, told stories, and joked around.
I know I’m not alone in feeling that this year really emphasized the importance of family and togetherness (to the extent that such things are possible and enjoyable for you – I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a family they like, who likes them back). You can see in my face in this photo that this was no ordinary “sitting around drinking and chatting” kind of night – this was special, even though the tone was casual. I was so glad to finally get to see these people again who had seemed hundreds of miles away even when they were just across the city from me.
September 15th
This photo represents two of the major kinks Matt and I played with together this year: chastity and financial domination. While they were locked up in chastity, we decided it would be fun to do one of our long-distance “phone dates” – wherein we each go to a restaurant or bar in our respective cities and talk on the phone throughout – but for them to foot the bill for the entire evening, because sometimes it turns them on to spoil me.
I put on the set of blue Agent Provocateur lingerie Matt had bought me as an earlier financial domination task, and added (of course) the necklace on which I keep my key to their chastity cage. On top of that, I wore a blue dress and a yellow cardigan, and walked to a restaurant Matt had chosen for me in swanky Yorkville called Sassafraz. (I sat outdoors, away from other guests; me and the staff had masks on whenever possible; there was ample hand sanitizer available; etc. etc.) We chatted on the phone during dinner, and they paid for my whole meal and my Uber ride back home.
I like this photo because I look powerful in it, even though you can’t see my face. Being dominant doesn’t come naturally to me, but this year I’ve enjoyed finding new ways my dominance can manifest, and how those newer routes can help me access different sides of my dominance that feel authentic and restorative. Here’s to more kinky adventures in 2021 (hopefully also in gorgeous lingerie)!
November 14th
A wedding-day selfie was a necessary inclusion in this post, of course!
As I explained on a recent Dildorks episode about weddings, although it’s common for couples to avoid seeing each other before the event so as to preserve the surprise, Matt and I decided not to do it that way for our tiny COVID wedding. It just made more sense for us to both get ready at their apartment and then walk over to the wedding location together.
I had thought this might feel disappointing when we actually did it, but it was totally fine, and even kinda fun. On such a potentially nervewracking day, it was nice to be with the person who alleviates my nerves most skilfully – and also to share in our excitement together.
We took this selfie just before heading out to Madison Square Park to get married. We look happy, calm, and excited to continue our lives together. ❤️
In the comments, feel free to tell me about a favorite selfie you took this year, and what made it so special!
All of the beautiful photos in this post were taken by the supremely talented Ashe of Rose Glass Photography, who I would 100% recommend!
Supposedly every little girl grows up dreaming of her perfect wedding, and specifically, her perfect wedding dress. I haven’t found this to be very true in my friend groups, perhaps since so many people I know are queer and/or trans (and thus not prone to heteropatriarchally-rooted fantasies) or just don’t really care about weddings all that much. Personally, as a chronic romantic fantasizer, I was usually more moony-eyed about the idea of my perfect future spouse than I was about the dress I would wear. But I do have a wedding Pinterest board dating back years and years, so I guess at some point I hopped onboard the “dreamily musing about what I’ll wear to walk down the aisle” train.
The COVID-era wedding Matt and I threw together was initially so informal that I wasn’t even sure if I needed a specific outfit for it. I figured it would happen at a courthouse and would be more about signing documents and waiting in line than doing a full face of makeup and throwing a bouquet. One of the first nights we started planning it on the phone, I semi-joked, “I guess I probably have to buy a white dress, huh?” and Matt said, “Yeah! You should!”
Over the next couple of months, we cobbled together our outfits from various sources. We really like to match each other when we go out on dates, so we already had practice syncing up our color palettes. What resulted is a pair of outfits centered around white and blue, with little pops of red and pink here and there. Read on for all the juicy outfit details!
My outfit
The dress: I’ve always wanted a 1950s-style, knee-length wedding dress with a full tulle skirt, but to get it exactly right would require tailoring and a bunch of money, both things that are kind of tricky during a global pandemic. So I set aside that desire for the time being, figuring I could always splurge on my dream dress for the bigger wedding-y event we plan on having post-pandemic so all our friends and family can come party with us. I started looking at more practical and affordable options.
After scouring various online stores for a few days, I eventually settled on this ’50s-inspired A-line dress by Grace Karin. It’s a really classic fit-and-flare silhouette, the kind of thing I wear all the time, but getting it in white was special. I made sure to read a bunch of reviews before pulling the trigger, to make sure buyers thought it was well-constructed and not see-through (a common problem for white dresses), and the reviews were excellent, including some from people whose body shape and size were similar to mine. (I’m generally a size 10-12 and I bought this dress in a size L, if you’re wondering.)
When the dress arrived, I tried it on, and it fit perfectly and looked exactly how I’d hoped it would. I’ve always loved the 1950s aesthetic and was so glad I’d found such a lovely manifestation of it for my “big day”! It was also fortuitous that I only needed to spend $35 on it (!!), because our wedding was in a kinda muddy park and the waitress at our post-ceremony dinner accidentally squirted hand sanitizer on the front of my dress. I think she was pretty horrified, but I just laughed and said, “It’s totally okay, it only cost me $35!!”
The crinoline: While I used to rock crinolines as skirts in high school, I’m not sure I had ever really worn one the way they’re supposed to be worn – under an A-line dress to help it look fuller and more flouncy. But this dress really called for it, and your wedding is one of the days when you get to be unapologetically fancy if you want to, so I decided to go for it.
I got a pale blue one from the same brand, Grace Karin, for $26. Since this type of item is literally created to be voluminous, packing it in a suitcase was a challenge, but I figured it out eventually. I folded it up as small as it would get, stuffed it into a Ziploc bag, and stuffed that inside one of the packing cubes I had recently bought for just such an occasion. I had set aside one entire cube just for wedding clothes, so as to keep them separate from my regular clothes so I wouldn’t accidentally let Matt see them before the day itself.
The Manolos were a bit impractical, given that the temperature was starting to drop by the time our November wedding rolled around and the event itself took place in a park, where my heels kept sinking into the ground as I walked or stood – but I engaged some muscles I didn’t even know I had, and made it work! However, I did also have Matt stash my beloved Frye harness boots in their bag for me to change into after the ceremony. They looked surprisingly cute with the dress too!
The sash: The more I looked at my dress, the more I felt it should have some kind of belt. What can I say – I love a cinched waist! I considered getting this pale blue vintage leather Moschino belt, but it bugged me that it had gold hardware when all the other metallic tones in the outfit were silver. After a while, I opted instead to buy a 9-foot-by-2-inch length of pale blue satin ribbon to tie into a sash.
On the actual day, I looked up some YouTube tutorials on how to tie a wedding sash, but ultimately I abandoned them and just tied a regular bow, adjusting it until it looked right. I think it came out decently cute for a first try! (Should’ve practiced in advance, yes. Definitely.)
The cardigan: Due to the aforementioned dropping temperatures, I began to consider the possibility that I’d be too cold in just my wedding dress to truly enjoy myself at the event. This became even more of an issue once we settled on having a post-ceremony dinner on the patio of a nearby Italian restaurant, because (reasonably so) we and most of our guests weren’t too comfy with indoor dining, given the, y’know, public health crisis.
Just six days before the wedding, I ordered (secondhand through TheRealReal) this Tiffany-blue cashmere cardigan by Autumn Cashmere. I wanted something kind of dainty and feminine, but still warm enough to keep me cozy, and this fit the bill. I took it off for the actual ceremony, but wore it the rest of the time. I’ve worn it a bunch more times since then, too!
The bag: I didn’t strictly need a bag, and could have kept any personal items in Matt’s backpack (which they had to bring because it contained the marriage certificate, ceremony script, etc.), but hey, I’m a femme and I love bags. So I started looking around for one that would fit the vibe and color scheme of the event.
I’ve loved Rebecca Minkoff’s designs for years but had never owned anything from her, so I was excited when I saw this pale blue saffiano leather clutch of hers on TheRealReal. I love that it’s made to look like an envelope; it reminds me of love letters! The silver zipper-tooth edging also gives it a bit of toughness to balance out the delicate femininity of the color. I think all that was inside my bag during the wedding was my phone, my vows written out on notecards, some makeup items for touch-ups, and a bunch of Kleenex in case of crying!
The lingerie: I bought a set of white lacy lingerie from Avidlove for $20. The panties are high-waisted (very 1950s) and have a corset-esque lace-up panel in the back, which is why putting on my underwear was actually the part of getting dressed for my wedding that took the longest!
I ended up swapping out the bra for a blue one from Agent Provocateur. It felt more glamorous, gave me way better cleavage (look, we all have our own priorities!), matched my collar almost exactly, and had a connection to our romance because it’s part of a set Matt bought me as a financial domination task. I was worried it might show through the dress, because it’s a vivid royal blue, but the fabric was opaque enough that it didn’t turn out to be an issue.
The earrings: I wanted something pretty but very basic and not-cumbersome, since I don’t wear earrings all that often. The ones I went with are aquamarine-colored Swarovski crystals on a sterling silver backing, from an Etsy shop called UniqueGlassTreasures. Maybe one day I’ll get some real aquamarine ones…
The nails: My fingernails were painted with Revlon’s “To the Chapel” topped with Essie’s “Set in Stones.” The night before the wedding, Matt painted my toenails with Essie’s “Lacquered Up” while we watched TV. (Perks of having a foot fetishist spouse!)
The masks: Since we knew we’d have to wear masks for at least part of the day, we decided we should get fancy ones. I found these sequinned masks from AvaReignCreations on Etsy and totally fell in love. I got one for me in white and one for Matt in navy. Mine needed a little resizing, since I have a small-ish face, but fortunately all I had to do was tie a tiny knot at the end of each ear loop and it fit much better.
The makeup: Two of my fave beauty YouTubers, Jaclyn Hill and Lisa Eldridge, both have bridal makeup tutorials that I took a lot of cues from. For my eyes, I used a lot of different beige, brown, black, and nude shades from the LORAC Pro palette and the Morphe x Jaclyn Hill palette. (The latter has a shade called “S.B.N.” which stands for “smoky but natural,” because Jaclyn says when she was a professional makeup artist for hire, every bride seemed to ask for a look that was “smoky but natural”!) I did my usual black winged liner with MAC Liquidlast (the only thing I’ve tried that can truly stand up to my crying), and finished off the look with Sugarpill Saint false lashes.
I wore a Revlon foundation over a Bite Beauty primer. It was hard shopping for foundation during a pandemic – normally a makeup pro would test a bunch of different shades on your skin, but I didn’t feel comfy with that for hygienic reasons (and I’m not even sure if they’re still allowed to do that), so instead I just brought along my MAC concealer and matched it to a foundation at the drugstore, and it seems to have worked out fine. On top of those, I put some Laura Mercier translucent setting powder (holy grail for mattifying combo/oily skin!), Tarte blush in “Natural Beauty,” and Becca highlight in “Moonstone.” I contoured with NYX blush in “Taupe,” and set the whole thing with an ELF matte setting spray.
For my lips, first I filled them in with a red lip liner from the drugstore, and then I went over that with Tom Ford’s “Cherry Lush.” Matt and I both own and love this lipstick, and decided we both wanted to wear it to our wedding!
Matt’s outfit
The suit: This gorgeous navy suit is from Suitsupply. They wore it on our second date too, and I remember thinking, as we met up outside a Manhattan coffee shop, that I had never seen somebody look so handsome before! It’s made of wool and is really well-tailored, and it brings out the color of Matt’s eyes beautifully.
The shirt: One of the things I love about Matt is that they have an appreciation for fancy things, even when the fanciness won’t be noticeable to most people. This white Brooks Brothers dress shirt is exactly that sort of item. It has a really subtle herringbone pattern that’s only visible from up close, and adds a touch of luxury and style to what would otherwise be a pretty basic item.
The shoes: I love these shoes. Matt was wearing them on our first date and I commented on how shiny they were; little did I know, they were one of Matt’s favorite pairs, and one that they reach for when they want to feel fancy. They’re the Park Avenue oxfords by Allen Edmonds in the shade “Walnut.” Sometimes I wish I could pull off an oxford… Maybe someday!
The tie: Matt assigned me a task, a couple months before the wedding, to research some accessories they could wear for their outfit (ties, socks, pocket squares, etc.) and write a little bit about why each one would be a good pick. I had a few ties on my list (any other non-tie-wearing people weirdly love shopping for ties for loved ones?!), but one of my faves was this Liberty tie featuring white flowers on a pale blue background. I love that it’s an unconventional and somewhat androgynous choice, perfect for my offbeat nonbinary sweetheart.
The pocket square: Might be my favorite detail of the outfit! I was trawling TheRealReal and I stumbled across a secondhand silk Tiffany’s pocket square emblazoned with a blue and white map of Manhattan. It seemed like a perfect pick for my love, a long-time New Yorker and (as discussed) a big fan of subtly fancy details. Weirdly, I suggested this for Matt fully a month before I even knew my engagement ring was also going to be from Tiffany’s!
The socks: I picked out these navy and pink polka-dotted dress socks for Matt from the Tie Bar. They’re so much fun, and I love the way they subtly allude to the trans pride colors.
The makeup: Matt kept it really simple – just some Glossier Boy Brow on their brows, and Tom Ford lip liner in “Charge” under Tom Ford lipstick in “Cherry Lush.”
Whew! That was a lot of outfit details. If you feel like leaving a comment, I would love to know what your favorite parts of your wedding outfit were, or what items you’d like to wear to your wedding if you ever have one!
• An ice cube barely counts as a sex toy, but nonetheless: temperatures soared in Toronto this month and I enjoyed trying some temperature play with my partner. While this activity is often included in “Spice things up!” articles for vanilla people, for me it was a distinctly kinky experience that resulted in a lot of screaming and a deep, disorienting subspace. Pro tip: Tovolo King Cube ice trays create extra-large ice cubes that work better (and longer) for this purpose than the standard size.
• Tweezers aren’t really a sex toy either, but I enjoy using them as a sadomasochistic tool in scenes where I’m playing a dominant role, with partners who don’t mind getting groomed by a mean brat. Mine are Sephora-brand but maybe one day I’ll update to a fancy pair of Tweezermans.
Fantasy fodder
• I wrote something in my newsletter this month about the ethical minefield that is fantasizing about incels (“involuntary celibates”). Much like a related fantasy of mine – taking a young man’s virginity – this one is mostly about the utter delight and surprise that the other person would radiate at me. It’s still weird to have sexual fantasies about people I consider ethically abhorrent like incels (and Chuck Bass), but hey, your fantasy life is your fantasy life.
• I’ve long had an uneasy fascination with wedding culture and this month I started thinking a lot about the absurd tradition that is wedding-night sex. I asked for stories from my Twitter followers about this particular rite of passage and got some interesting replies. I’m not much for “romantic sex,” so if I was getting married, probably that night would involve impact play and a collar and leash… or just, y’know, sleep. (P.S. I have a truly ridiculous “wedding” Pinterest board from when I was in university and fantasized about this type of thing to calm myself down at times of high anxiety, incase you’re into that.)
• Sir and I did a roleplay this month of their devising, in which I was starring in a high school production of Into the Woods (a mutual fave show) and they were in the tech crew. They came to my dressing room to compliment me on my singing and… things escalated. It reminded me of how much fun high-school roleplays can be: the excitement, the novelty, the hormones, oh my!
Sexcetera
• Very excited to announce that my new podcast collaboration with the incomparable Brent Black is live! It’s called Question Box and you should be able to find it on most podcast providers. It’s a game show where guests and hosts compete to see who can answer the most shockingly personal questions on air. Give it a listen – and pledge to our Patreon if you like supporting weird comedy!
• Sextistics: This month I had in-person sex 21 times, which is a frankly wacky amount of sex for a person in a long-distance relationship to be able to have. (We spent two weekends together instead of just one like we usually do.) I had phone sex 20 times, totaling 41 sex sessions – a record high for the year so far!
Femme stuff
• One of my most gleeful fashion/beauty moments of the month was when Matt and I wore matching outfits – their tie was almost the exact same print as my dress – and matching lipstick (Fire & Ice by Revlon, a classic).
• I got a lot of opportunities to do Matt’s makeup this month and it was so fun. This coppery smoky eye was maybe my fave. I haven’t done many people’s makeup in my life, which makes it feel extra intimate and special to do it on my partner.
• My friend and roommate Sarah gave me a pink and blue scarf that is soooo my style. Trust a femme to get you the exact right thing for your look!
Media
• I enjoyed Dear Edward, a forthcoming novel by Ann Napolitano about a 12-year-old boy who is the sole survivor of a plane crash that kills his family. It sounds sad, and it is, but it’s also incredibly hopeful and sweet and charming.
• Everyone on my Twitter timeline was freaking out about an essay called “The Crane Wife,” and I read it and it was as good as expected. It has a lot to say about the ways our patriarchal culture is set up to make women squash their own needs in order to “get” and “keep” a man.
• One of my fave outings this month was seeing Some Like It Hot on a giant outdoor movie screen at the Corktown Common with my mom. It’s a fave movie for both of us so it was fun to share the experience of watching it with a bunch of strangers under the stars!
Little things
Catsitting Sarah’s cats and talking out loud to them constantly. Veggies with hummus. Going to the art gallery with Matt to languish in air conditioning on a really hot day. Drunkenly playing the piano at Civil Liberties (Nick, the bartender that night, sent over a glass of amaro to me for “classing up the joint” – best). Pasta salad. Hanging out with Rey in their last month in Toronto (for the time being, anyway). Birthday cake donuts at Bloomer’s, spinach-feta croissants at Jimmy’s Coffee, and maple glazed donuts at Krispy Kreme. Karaoke nights at the Fox. Playing Use Your Words over whiskey shots with friends. Lying on my childhood bedroom floor to soak it in for the last time, before we sold the house. My room at my parents’ new house. Cooking at home. Phone sex until 3 a.m. Dancing my ass off at a wedding.
Cutting my hair short
January 13th
January 17th
February 22nd
March 8th
June 20th
September 15th
November 14th
