Author: Kate Sloan

12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 2 Fears Defeated

Kate Sloan

Every December here, I chronicle 2 major fears I’ve – to some extent – conquered within the past year. (Read previous years’ fears: 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018.) This year I have one kinky one and one professional one…

Hypnotizing my partner

When my beau and I first met and began discussing their hypnosis kink, I think I told them pretty early on that I had no intention of learning how to hypnotize people. I likely would’ve been more open to the idea if mb was solely a bottom in this regard, but they’re a top-leaning switch and I’m a bottomy sub, so we were content to cleave to those roles when it came to hypnosis. mb hypnotized me regularly for a whole year before I ever did it to them.

On December 19th of last year, however, we did our first trance scene with me topping. I don’t remember in much detail what we did, what induction I used, or anything else. I just remember that earlier that day, I’d been staring at mb’s nose (which I love and think is soooo handsome) and thinking that slowly stroking it up and down would be a good way to put someone into trance. I was right.

A large part of my aversion to hypno-topping came from the misconception that you have to say the exact right words in the exact right order to make it happen. I felt I hadn’t “studied up” enough and lacked the passionate interest that would drive me to learn. But a year of being regularly hypnotized by a skilful person had taught me that the process is looser and more improvisational than I’d thought. I knew some basic inductions and techniques (at least in theory) from reading Mind Play and I knew my partner had some experience going into trance, which tends to make it easier for someone to get back there again. So I set aside my apprehensions and gave my partner this beautiful gift that they had been giving me for a year.

In the time since then, I’ve tranced mb tons more times, usually while domming them (they are my 24/7 dom but we do occasionally switch). It’s a lovely new avenue of intimacy for us, and I look forward to seeing what other kink-related fears I can conquer in 2020.

Writing a book

Okay, as of this moment, the book is only about 85% done. BUT. Even that much is an accomplishment worth celebrating!

For a long time, I thought I would never write a book… and then I thought I would write and self-publish one… and then I thought I wanted to go the traditional publishing route but would never find a publisher or an agent who would have any interest in the sort of book I wanted to write. But this year I got a book deal, from a publisher who sought me out specifically, which I just never thought would happen. Life is a wild ride!

I feel like, every day for the past few months, I’ve begun every writing session thinking, “I can’t do this. I will never finish this. This is going to be awful. I CAN’T DO THIS.” But my partner and friends and family have been around to remind me of my abilities and my drive and what I’m doing it all for, and that has helped enormously. It’s largely because of those people that I’ve managed to get this far in the process – and when I finish the book, in time for the deadline next month, I’ll have my social supports to thank for that, too.

Our culture is full of inspirational messages in Hallmark cards and Hollywood blockbusters that amount to “You can do anything you set your mind to!” and, while there are many factors that complicate that sentiment (like privilege or the lack thereof), it feels truer to me now than it did a year ago. I can’t wait to finish this book draft and hand it in, if just to prove to myself that I could and I can.

What fears did you face in 2019?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 3 Fave Encounters

Kate Sloan

I had a lot of good sex this year (quit braggin’!), but these encounters stick out in my mind as some of the best and most memorable. Read on for R-rated descriptions of my various perversions and their manifestations!

Bimbo Hypno (Content note: bimboification, ableist language, forced feminization, hypnosis, age play / daddy / DD/lg)

All these years that I’ve been writing 12 Days of Girly Juice posts, I’ve never highlighted a phone-sex encounter as one of my favorite sexual experiences of the year – but phone sex feels to me more and more like real and legitimate sex, and so it would be strange not to include some, especially since it makes up about 55% of my sex life at this point! (Uhh, more dorky statistics like that to come in my year-end Sextistics post. Just you wait!)

My Sir and I had been thinking a lot about “intelligence play”/bimboification/forced feminization, and the intersections therein, when we decided to do a scene incorporating all of these. After extensive negotiation, here’s what we settled on: I laid out a full face’s worth of makeup on my desk and set up my computer there. Sir called me on the phone, put me into trance, and suggested to me that with every item of makeup I applied, I could let go of a little more of my intelligence. I could sink into the bliss of ignorance, set aside my overanalytical adult tendencies, and just be a pretty, childlike little doll. When they woke me up and called me on FaceTime video, I was already feeling spacey, and that just developed further as I began to put my face on, piece by piece.

By the end of the scene, I was slurring slightly on super simple sentences. I looked very cute but could barely formulate a thought. I was deeper in “little space” than I’d ever been before, feeling genuinely like that little girl I so often roleplay as. My daddy took me to bed (by which I mean, we each separately retired to our beds) and fucked me over the phone the way they do almost every night – but this time felt different, because my brain felt dimmed. As someone who’s too often wracked with anxiety and intrusive thoughts during sex, it was magic to be able to just… turn that off. I was always a very bright little girl when I was a kid, but sometimes being a little less astute for a while can be amazingly relaxing.

mb says: This was definitely one of the most memorable scenes we did this year, even though we weren’t in the same room. I remember watching you on FaceTime video putting on the makeup and getting dumber, and getting more and more turned on as you got dumber, and I was struggling to figure out when I should fuck you! I wanted to fuck you from the beginning, but also I wanted to make you as dumb as possible and let you finish your makeup, obviously… so it was a struggle against my own arousal! I was also thinking a lot about what questions I could ask you to confirm and convince you of your dumbness. I asked you about process, like about why you were doing certain things with your makeup, and you had kind of a hard time figuring that out. The hypnosis, I remember a lot; the makeup, I remember a lot; the resulting phone sex, I don’t remember as much. It was like, sex with you-but-dumber, which was great, but it didn’t stick with me as much as watching you get dumber. But I do remember I came really hard, so…

Unprecedented PIV in Portland (Content note: alcohol)

I don’t know why, but I never assume roleplay scenes will lead to particularly good sex. I mean, for me, that’s not the point of them: they’re more about playful exploration, closer to an improv show than a porn shoot. But sometimes, the sex therein can be incredible.

When mb and I spent a week in Portland, it seemed like a good opportunity for a roleplay we’d been wanting to do for a while: we would go to a bar and pretend to be strangers meeting for the first time. We decided on Barlow, a swanky cocktail bar around the corner from our hotel. I went over there, ordered a daiquiri, and sat reading How to Date Men When You Hate Men, the loud title of which further contributed to what we already knew: the beginning of the scene would be tricky for mb. They would have to woo me – a shy, defensive introvert, perpetually wary of strangers’ approaches – into wanting to talk to them. Wanting to talk to them so much, in fact, that I would put my book down to do so. This is no small feat!

mb came in a few minutes after me and ordered a daiquiri as well, which ended up being the catalyst for our conversation (they were damn good daiquiris!). We small-talked about drinks, books, and the conference we were both attending, and then, inevitably, discussing my line of work led us to disclose (some of) our kinks and (some of) our attraction to each other. I agreed to let them come up to my hotel room, saying “Maybe we could just make out” (which is indeed what I would say if I actually met a hot stranger at a bar in broad daylight in a city with which I was unfamiliar). We paid our check, made our way to the hotel, and giggled nervously in the elevator.

I honestly don’t remember much about the sex that ensued, mostly because its conclusion was so bafflingly intense that it probably blew all the other memories out of my brain. We were having good old-fashioned dick-in-vag sex, and I had the Eroscillator on my clit, and before I even fully realized what was happening, their dick felt so good that I came – way sooner and more easily than I normally would from this activity – and felt them coming at the exact same time. A simultaneous PIV orgasm is one of those sexual goals that I’ve never really understood or fetishized, but it felt so perfect in that roleplay – I had the sense that even though we were “strangers,” we knew each other’s bodies and minds deeply, and were instantly, fiercely connected to each other. That’s pretty much how it felt when we actually met for the first time, so it was romantic to revisit that sensation – albeit while having an orgasm so hard and fast that it surprised me and left me breathless.

mb says: What sticks out to me about this scene was how difficult it was for me, because I am not used to “picking up people” in this way. Even though I knew you’re my partner and we were gonna end up at home together, I felt really high-stakes about picking you up. So, from the moment I walked into the bar, I was really nervous about what I would say to you, when I would say it, where I would sit – everything about the whole interaction. I was very calculating about it, even down to our interactions with the bartenders, because they didn’t assume we were together, and then when I tried to pay for us together, that was a whole problem I had to solve… It was this, like, choreographed dance in the bar, and once we were back in “your” hotel room, it was much easier to relax into fucking you. I felt like I had “scored” you, which is a feeling I don’t often get, and I really wanted to impress you with my oral skills and PIV skills and stuff. I felt like the way we came together was beautiful and perfect, and if my character had walked off into the night and gone back to their Airbnb or whatever, it would’ve been this beautiful perfect moment, but then we got to spend the rest of the day together and it was even better.

Cryin’ & Goodbyin’ (Content note: hypnosis, alcohol)

I was only supposed to spend a week in New York in August, but as my flight time neared, mb wrapped their arms around me tight, silently Feeling Some Feelings, and then observed, “I’m not doin’ too good.” I wasn’t doin’ too good either. We rearranged our plans to give me three extra days in New York, which wasn’t very much but seemed like enough. We just weren’t ready to say goodbye yet.

On the night before our actual goodbye, we attended a workshop on hypnosis and sadomasochism, stopped off for some late-night Mexican food, and then came back home. mb wanted to do some trance stuff (naturally) and asked me what I wanted to feel; I was so flooded with love already that my answer came easily: “I want to feel romantic.” They put me into a deep, slightly drunken trance (margaritas are delicious!!) and then talked me through amping up my pre-existing romantic feelings. With my hazy eyes fluttering, I clutched at them and began to cry. Big, hot tears soaked my beloved’s pillow as they talked me through it, murmuring in my ear about love and trust and togetherness.

When they woke me up, they went down on me lovingly and fucked me with the Eleven lovingly and made me squirt lovingly. It all looked very rough from the outside but was actually maybe the most romantic sex I had all year. Kinksters are redefining “lovemaking” and I’m very glad.

mb says: I was so sad that you were leaving, even though we had extended your stay. I was just wrecked. I was so fucked up about it. Watching you spill your tears all over my blue pillowcase in this beautiful, long pattern made me feel better about it, and then I was like, “I want more of that.” So I did this trance scene, and I got more tears out of you, and then I fucked you and got you to squirt all over my sheets, and my sheets were just covered in your wetness and your essence… I felt like I had gotten everything out of you that I possibly could before you left, and that made me feel more okay about saying goodbye. I laid on those sheets for days after you left, like, “She’s still here, in a way.” Fuck. It was the perfect ending to that trip.

What were your most memorable encounters of the year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 4 Fun Events

Kate Sloan

I got to attend many fun and eye-opening events this year, in Toronto, New York, Portland, and Montreal. It was hard to pick just 4 to highlight here, but these were really the standouts…

Tinder Live

Comedian and author Lane Moore tours the continent with this fabulous show, in which she sets up the screen of her iPhone to project onto a wall so the audience can see it, and then literally just… Tinders. Live. There are a few rules – she only makes fun of men, for example, since women and non-binary people get their fair share of harassment already – but mostly you just get to watch a hilarious person have silly Tinder conversations with random strangers. Attending this event was such a light-hearted balm for my Tinder-weary heart (why is everyone on that app a terrible conversationalist?!) and helped me once again see dating as less soul-sucking and more playful, joyful, serendipitous. Thanks, Lane!

Suicide Intervention for Weirdos, Freaks, & Queers

(Content note for this one: suicide, suicidal ideation.)

Carly Boyce – who my longtime readers might remember as a tarot reader who’s given me some much-needed illumination and encouragement in the past – teaches a truly incredible workshop on suicide intervention that I was lucky enough to get to attend this year. Carly led a discussion on suicide-related myths and fears, and then offered some concrete strategies for keeping your loved ones and yourself safe when suicidal feelings come up. I took many, many notes during this session that I’ve subsequently frequently referred to, when I or someone in my life was feeling unsure about staying alive – unfortunately a not-uncommon thing – and each time, I was so glad to have these tools under my belt. Thank you, Carly, for the knowledge and light you put into the world.

XOXO

I was lucky enough this year to get to attend XOXO, “an experimental festival for independent artists who live and work online” (that’s me!). I was nervous, because it’s a big conference full of big personalities and I am a smol shy weirdo, but it ended up being an incredibly welcoming and safe-feeling space for me. Some of my favorite talks included Lindsay Ellis‘s reflections on being hounded by trolls, Emma Kinema‘s inspiring words on the importance of unions, and Hbomberguy‘s heart-warming tale of a wacky fundraising drive. The nightlife at XOXO was my fave, though – I still think fondly about the night I spent watching Pump Up the Jam and the Allusionist do live podcasts and laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I hope to be able to attend XO again next year!

Blunderland

I was introduced to the House of Yes and their frequently sold-out variety show Blunderland by my clever friend Bex, and I’m so glad. It’s a raunchy night of over-the-top amazingness: burlesque, slapstick, storytelling, music, aerial silks, and more. An honorable mention goes to the House of Yes’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, which I also got to see this year; I’ve never seen a queerer, kinkier, poly-er adaptation of that play!

What were your favorite events you attended in 2019?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 5 Sex-Savvy Superheroes

Kate Sloan

Hello, friends! I’m back with another instalment of 12 Days of Girly Juice. Today we’re talking about the 5 people who have had the biggest impact on how I think and feel about sex and relationships this year. Let’s jump in!

Clementine Morrigan is doing some truly incredible work. Their zines, workshops, and books are always profoundly thought-provoking, but it seems like the most popular thing they made this year was Love Without Emergency, a zine based on their constantly-sold-out workshop on trauma-informed polyamory. As Clementine thoughtfully notes in the zine, there are almost no resources out there for people who want to be polyamorous but struggle with it due to mental health issues and/or a history of trauma. Too many poly resources assume we’re all “sane” and “in good working order” mentally and emotionally – and that’s just not realistic or fair. We need more people like Clementine out there creating a model for what polyamory can look like for those of us who are anxiously attached, trauma survivors, or both. I’m so appreciative of the work she did this year to bring more attention to this issue.

Jimanekia Eborn is a force to be reckoned with, and a constant inspiration. Her podcast miniseries Trauma Queen focuses on healing from assault and trauma; the frank conversations therein are always refreshing and illuminating. More recently, she’s been raising funds for Tending the Garden, a retreat for women of color who are survivors of sexual assault. She also collaborated with Tango to design an Art of Healing kit, full of sexy and sensual items aimed at promoting sexual mindfulness. The work Jimanekia does is so, so important and I’m so glad she’s doing it.

Raven Kaldera has written, co-written, or edited about a zillion books, but this year, one in particular came to my attention and rocked my world. Kneeling in Spirit is about submissives with disabilities, and the ways they manage to pursue power exchange and kinky sex despite physical difficulties. I picked up this book because my chronic pain has been getting worse by the year, and so has my anxiety about whether my pain will one day make it impossible for me to have the kinds of sex I like to have. Raven’s book contains stories from many different kinksters about how they work around their disabilities – or sometimes actively incorporate their disabilities – in pursuit of their preferred types of sex and kink. I found it deeply inspiring and comforting. Along similar lines, Broken Toys is Raven’s book about submissives with mental illness, and that one’s a great read too. I’m so grateful to Raven for creating these resources, and for all the other education work he does.

Sleepingirl is a hypnokink genius; there’s no other way to put it. Her podcast Two Hyp Chicks delves into ultra-nerdy sub-topics within the world of erotic hypnosis, all backed by her many years of extensive research on how hypnosis works in the brain. Earlier this year she released The Brainwashing Book, a high-level tome on how to combine hypnosis with classical and operant conditioning to achieve your kinky brainwashing goals. Her other writing about hypnokink is less technical, more romantic: she elucidates the intimacy of hypnosis better than anyone I’ve ever read. I’ve learned so much from her this year about what hypnosis is and what it can be.

Dr. Liz Powell‘s book Building Open Relationships is, as far as I’m concerned, the best existing book on non-monogamy. It gave me immense comfort this year many times over, and I still pick it up now and again when I need a kernel of poly wisdom. This year, concerns were raised about the misconduct of a co-author of one of the most popular polyamory books out there, so I felt extra grateful this year for Dr. Liz’s compassionate, open-hearted, inclusively-written book. I’m sure I’ll be recommending it to poly newbies and veterans alike for years to come.

Who were your sex-savvy superheroes this year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 6 Journal Entries

Kate Sloan

I didn’t journal as much in 2019 as I usually do, in part because I was super busy and seemingly constantly traveling… That said, here are 6 of my fave journal entries from the year. They’re all, um, mostly variations on a theme, you could say…

January 1st

Late one night I got a bit panicky and started to feel derealization-y, like I might not be real or mb might not be (hello, irrational delusions borne of insecurity, my old friends), and they were so good: they had me tell them the story of how we met so I’d remember we are real, and then they gave me a long, thorough, skillful, cathartic spanking while I wept it all out.

We stayed up until 4 a.m. after getting home from the New Year’s Eve party at 1 a.m., having sex and talking and laughing and basically trying to stretch out the last remaining hours before we had to check out of the hotel and say goodbye. They told me, at one point, that they feel like we “fit” together so well – “sexually, intellectually, emotionally, comedically” – that we understand each other and just “get” each other. “It’s not even blind optimism anymore at this point,” they said. “We’re a year in. It’s real.” I didn’t want to go to sleep. I wanted to stay there, giggling with them in the liminal space that is a hotel bed at 3 a.m. on New Year’s with someone you love in a city that isn’t your own.

Today, close to goodbye time, I cried, and they licked my tears off my face and told me how cool it would be to rim a drink with their submissive’s salty tears (what a perv). I said, “I don’t want to be without you,” and they told me I’m not without them; we’ll still be together even when we’re apart, like always. On New Year’s Eve they ordered two glasses of champagne for us at Augustine and raised a toast to “an amazing year, and many more” – so certain about it, in a way I’ve never been able to be, and it made me cry, just like it does when they sense my fear and grab my face and stare seriously into my eyes and say, “I’m not going anywhere.” I cried in the taxi and said, “We match, right?” – our code-phrase for “We are both feeling these intense feelings for each other, right?” – and they said, “Oh, 100%.”

February 15th

I had the mini-revelation recently that part of the reason I’ve been semi-unconsciously drawn to unrequited love dynamics my whole life might be that they provide me what seems like a socially acceptable justification for my ever-present melancholy. It’s, in some ways, even harder to accept my depression now that I’m in essentially my dream career and my dream relationship, because evidently nothing is causing this sadness but my own damn brain.

May 30th

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why I have such fucked-up abandonment/anxious attachment issues when I wasn’t abused or abandoned as a kid and was actually really loved and sheltered and protected. I don’t remember when exactly these feelings first surfaced, but I know they’re related to S___, G___, and C___. From those relationships, I learned that someone can abandon you:

  • unexpectedly and totally out of the blue
  • very expectedly
  • for things you can’t change
  • for reasons you’ll never know
  • even after promising they wouldn’t
  • even knowing you have abandonment issues
  • even if you’ve known them for a long time
  • for someone else
  • for no one else
  • even if they seemed to like or love you

It feels like there’s not a single condition under which I’m safe from being abandoned. And the work I need to do is becoming okay with that reality, and being able to trust enough to function in relationships even with that possibility being present. My fears of abandonment are just trying to protect me, the emotional thought process being that if I can see the hurt coming before it hits, I can spare myself the heartache. But that’s false because, even in relationships where I constantly suspected I was about to be dumped, the dumping hurt just as bad. It’s going to hurt whether you forecast it or not.

I jump a lot to catastrophizing – “They’re going to leave me and therefore I’m not safe” – and I need to moreso encourage the thought, “What if they’re going to stay with me and I’m safe?” There’s much more evidence of that. It’s just hard to convince a traumatized brain of these things.

August 2nd

I’ve probably written this before but I feel as if my life has been tugging me toward New York since I was about ten years old. I wanted to live there for a long time, first to become a musical theatre performer and later just because I liked it there. But as I got older I came to understand that the immigration process and the expense of the city probably would keep me here. I love Toronto, after all, and my life here, and my friends and family, and the Canadian healthcare system, and this city’s largely positive attitudes toward queerness and kink and multiculturalism. I could stay here and be happy, except that I wouldn’t be with mb.

A person I’m in love with is pretty much the only force that could drag me to another country at this point, and it almost feels like mb was sent to me to (among other things) usher me into that city I’ve half-wanted to live in for so long. They’ve told me that if and when I decide to move there, they will make it their number-one project to figure out how to make that happen.

The problem of trying to get me there is the biggest and scariest thing in my life right now, but it’s a good problem to have. And I know that in mb I have a partner who is willing to go basically to the ends of the earth to unite us on a more permanent basis.

September 2nd

Having kind of a dissociate-y day where it’s difficult for me to grasp that mb is really my partner. They’re so beautiful and perfect that often in the early days of our relationship, and still sometimes even now, I had the sense that my life wasn’t really my life but was actually a movie I was watching, perhaps through the slitted eyes of a mask, perhaps in some kind of virtual-reality simulation that inserted me into someone else’s story like a Mary Sue in a piece of fanfiction. It’s odd to hear someone gorgeous, brilliant and accomplished describe you in those terms too when you don’t, to your core, believe them about yourself. For these nearly 2 years my life has felt sort of like a wrong classroom I walked into accidentally and just never left.

October 18th

It’s 2019 and I have been dating mb for 22 months and I am still sometimes convinced I’m going to wake up from this dream. This life is not dreamy in the idyllic sense – I fight off psoriasis and chronic pain, I struggle sometimes to make my rent, I fight with friends and cry in bed and spend too much time on Twitter – but this one part of it feels like a dream, my connection with mb. I feel like two kids stacked inside a trench coat, pretending to be a competent adult who’s good at relationships, pretending this relationship is just a normal and expected thing and not an earth-shattering inferno that exploded my life into something bigger and better. I keep waiting for my beloved to find me out or leave or disintegrate. But they ruffle my hair and say “I’m not going anywhere, kiddo,” and I can breathe for another few hours.

Together we regularly interrogate the concept of “deserving” love, deserving this relationship. Love isn’t transferrable like money or a contest prize: I don’t have to deserve it to have it. I have mb’s love because they want to give it to me and specifically me, and that’s true even on days when I feel utterly undeserving. Telling them I don’t deserve them isn’t nice, is actually mean: it’s saying I doubt their taste and dismiss their agency, pushing them away, telling them one of their biggest and most central feelings is irrational and ill-informed. I should learn to accept their love like a compliment: say “thank you” and smile, even if you don’t agree, even if you don’t believe. They are entitled to their opinion and their opinion is that I’m worth loving. Somehow.

Got any favorite journal entries from 2019 to share?