Author: Kate Sloan

Freelance Friday: Structure & Secret Readers

Kate Sloan

Freelance Friday is my recurring feature where I answer your questions about the odd blend of blogging, journalism, and copywriting that is my career. You can read more writing-related content in my Blogging & Writing section!

Q. How do you structure your day so that you stay productive? I feel like if I worked from home, I would sleep until noon, procrastinate on my work constantly, and take terrible care of myself.

A. This is usually one of the first things people ask me about when they find out I work from home. Most people have some experience with aimless, unscheduled days – whether during a bout of unemployment, a gap year, or just a holiday – so they know it can be a mind-numbing and even despairing reality. So, they wonder, how do I, and others in my position, manage to do it every day?

It’s a fair question. When I first eased into the telecommuting lifestyle, I did exactly the type of shit you’re describing here. I slept too late, stayed up too late, skipped meals or overate, left work til the last minute or did too much all at once. I was like a teenager whose parents have gone away for a week in Bermuda. It was, shall we say, not ideal.

What I’ve found helpful isn’t glamorous or sexy: it’s just rituals and routines. I’m a Taurus through and through, so it takes me a while to warm up to changes in my daily habits, but once I do, they tend to stick. While I love the freedom and flexibility of the freelance life, I also recognize that I need to impose some rules on myself if I’m going to get anything done.

My dayjob, blessedly, requires me to get up around 9AM every weekday. I am a sleepy person and I have seasonal depression; if I didn’t have a reason to get up in the morning, I likely wouldn’t until late in the afternoon – so thanks, dayjob! I usually do an hour or two of that work before getting dressed and heading out to a nearby café to work on blog stuff, podcast stuff, journalism stuff, or more dayjob stuff – whatever needs doing that day.

Cafés are a crucial part of my workflow, and I’m certainly not the first freelancer to feel that way. Whether it’s the caffeine, the noise level, or just the impetus to put pants on and join the real world, there is something about cafés that helps me power through work that might’ve felt impossible if I was sitting at home in my pajamas.

Over the past year or so, I’ve become more methodical about taking a proper lunch break, rather than just working through it like a fiend. I’ll buy or make something filling, and settle in with a book/podcast/TV show/YouTube video while I eat. I found I was more prone to burnout back when I would half-work through my lunch, so now I force myself to get out of “work mode” for a while when mid-day hits.

My major not-so-secret secret weapon for productivity is a to-do list. I make one in my Notes app every day, and cross things off as they get done. My partner has access to the list, and his supervision makes this tool even more potent. It’s simple as hell, but keeping a to-do list religiously has boosted my productivity a lot.

Lastly, while it’s important to build structures that help me do my best work, it’s also important to build structures that let me relax at the end of the day. Freelancers and other self-employed types – especially those prone to hypomania! – are notorious for never really “clocking out,” and as necessary as that sometimes seems, it’s not healthy. When I’m done my work for the day, I close all my work-related tabs and apps, shut my laptop, and physically walk away from it. Often I’ll unwind by smoking some weed, reading a book, listening to a funny podcast, and/or writing in my journal. Then I’ll typically eat a late dinner and call my partner around 10–10:30PM. Our end-of-day phone conversations provide a grounding conclusion to my day, keeping me focused on something that isn’t my inbox or my Twitter timeline, which always feels so needed after a full day of work.

Q. Has anyone you weren’t “out” to as a sex writer ever found your blog and confronted you? How did you handle that?

A. While I wasn’t always “out” as a sex writer, I’ve never really been embarrassed when someone read my writing who “wasn’t supposed to.” I always figure that if they’re offended by it, that’s on them, not me.

Of course, that isn’t true in every case. If I was writing cruelly or nonconsensually about someone, it would be reasonable for them to get upset about that. I’ve definitely done this in the past, but I’ve learned from my mistakes. Nowadays, usually the only people I roast on my blog without their express knowledge are people who’ve deeply hurt me – people who genuinely fucked up in some way. Anne Lamott says, “You own everything that happened to you… If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better,” and I believe that, to some extent. Someone who dumps me in a coldhearted way, or ghosts me, or leaks nudes of people I love, knows they’re being a dick when they do that, so I have few qualms about lampooning these people on my site – which they probably don’t even read, anyway.

The caveat is that I’m never unnecessarily cruel and I never identify people who don’t want to be identified. I wouldn’t write mean shit about a Tinder hookup’s dick size for no reason; I wouldn’t publicize an ex’s name, or describe their appearance in overly specific detail; I wouldn’t spill other people’s secrets or their deepest shames. It’s just not nice. I’m not saying I was always perfect on this front, but these are the standards I hold myself to now.

That said – yes, there have been times when I’ve discovered someone was reading my blog who I wish wouldn’t. For example: a dude who had, months earlier, lied and told me he was poly when he was actually monogamous, thereby making me unknowingly complicit in him cheating on his girlfriend. Or an ex who’d broken up with me in an especially explosive and scary way. Or a guy I’d stopped talking to after he crossed numerous boundaries. While I don’t necessarily begrudge these people reading my site, it is weird when they tell me they read it, especially if they do so as part of a half-assed apology or an unwarranted desire to “reconnect.” It feels like a boundary violation. If you are reading this post knowing full well that I probably wouldn’t want you to be here… perhaps think a little about why you’re doing that, what you’re getting out of it, and how it might make me feel if I knew.

I’ve been much better about getting partners’ consent to write about them and running relevant details by them before publishing, ever since a boyfriend told me, during a breakup, that I’d made him feel used for material. Those consent practices are important, but it’s also important for me to be able to write about shitty behavior when people are shitty to me. It grinds my gears when a partner or a hookup does something reprehensible and then says, “Don’t write about that on your blog” – because the implication is that they want to appear good and sweet to my readers, without actually being good and sweet to me. Fuck that. If they wanted me to write warmly about them, they indeed should have behaved better.

If you have questions for this series, you can leave them in a comment below, or email them to me!

How to Take a Truly Decadent Bath

Kate Sloan
A nice deep tub at the Wythe Hotel

Baths are one of life’s grand delights, if you ask me. Maybe we like them so much because they’re like returning to the womb, in a sense – floating, safe and sound, in warm water, alone with your thoughts. What could be more calming? (Well, the “alone with your thoughts” part isn’t so great if you have anxiety, but you get the idea.)

I want you to maximize the relaxation and rejuvenation you can wring out of a good bath, so here are some of my top bathing tips…

Make it smell nice. This is the most basic way to turn up a bath’s fancy quotient. Some of my all-time favorite fragrant bath additives: Lush’s Brightside and The Comforter bubble bars, a few glugs of lavender essential oil, and those scented Epsom salts you can find in most convenience stores. Mix and match to create your ideal olfactory landscape!

Light it pretty. Candles (especially scented candles) are a classic for this purpose, though make sure they’re oriented for minimal fire risk! If candlelight isn’t your style, LED fairy lights are equally soothing. I also have a Neuma lamp which can cycle gradually through all the colors of the rainbow, and I find it highly relaxing to watch.

Turn up the tunes. Or turn them down. Whatever you prefer! I usually just blast some calming songs on my iPhone, but if you want to get real fancy, you could set up a Bluetooth speaker or something.

Bring reading material. You may prefer to simply silence your brain in the tub, or meditate on the day’s events, but I love to read in the bath. Cheap paperbacks are perfect for this, because dropping one in the water will just give it more character, if anything. I can also highly recommend the waterproof Kindle Oasis; it’s pricey but it has totally revolutionized the way I read!

Jerk off, if you’re into that. I like waterproof sex toys that bring pleasure in and out of the tub, and luckily, there are lots on the market these days! Make sure you’ve got the right kind of lube on hand, however: water-based lube is generally a no-go for underwater use. Silicone-based is better (provided your toy isn’t also made of silicone), though it might leave your tub feeling slippery afterward.

Don’t forget snacks and water! While many of us would love to lounge in a bath for an hour or more, two main reasons we might not be able to are the water cooling down (you can add more hot water if you want) and hunger/thirst. You can lose a lot of electrolytes sweating in the hot water, so keep some portable foods and drinks around! (Writer and bath aficionado Rachel Syme recommends a big bowl of clementines and a popsicle. Sounds good to me.)

Give your skin a treat. Does a head-to-toe body scrub sound nice? How about a tingly face mask? Maybe a slow, methodical full-body shave, using luxurious coconut oil as shaving cream? I find these lengthy, restorative processes totally dreamy.

Talk to a friend on the phone. Wow, remember when we used to do this?! Completely optional, of course, but a phone call to a friend can be a fun addition to bathtime, and may even become a soothing weekly ritual. Grab a waterproof case for your phone, or use a cheap, clunky handset so you don’t drop it into the suds.

Leave work at the door. Some people buy “bath desks,” slats of wood they can slot atop their tub to hold things like a phone, a laptop, or a notebook and pen. I understand the temptation, but for me, there’s no point in taking a bath if I can’t relax my brain once I’m in there. (Plus, I’m scared to death of dropping my computer in the water!) I do, however, keep my phone somewhere nearby (on silent), because some of my best ideas come to me while I’m soaking in the tub, and I need to be able to note them down somewhere if that happens.

Have your post-bath clothes at the ready. Laying out an outfit for Future Me is one of the kindest things I ever do for myself. Often, I’ll place a pair of lounge pants, a T-shirt, and some slippers or fuzzy socks near a heat vent so they’ll be all cozy for me when I’m ready to put them on. Heaven!

What are your favorite ways to make a bath the best it can be?

 

This post was sponsored by Diskrét, purveyors of classy sex toys for serious enthusiasts! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Questions to Ask Your New Kink Partner

Kate Sloan

A vanilla friend once asked me, when I gushed about how well my new dommy beau’s kinks fit with mine, “Isn’t that the point of identifying as dominant or submissive? So you can easily find someone who’s compatible with you?”

Ha. Easily? That’s a laugh. While I am indeed a submissive – and a damn good one, if I may say so – that doesn’t mean I automatically jive with every dominant who crosses my path. Even setting aside more basic factors like attraction and harmonious personalities, we might not work well together kinks-wise because there are so many different ways to be dominant or to be submissive. If I want to be nurtured but you want to degrade me until I cry, maybe we’re not gonna work out. If you get off on heavy sadism and my pain tolerance is only so-so, we might have to part ways. If the names and words that light your fire are ones that squick me out, maybe we should quit while we’re ahead.

While there’s no foolproof and thorough way (in my view) to assess compatibility quickly, there are certainly ways you can help speed it along. With that in mind, here are 5 questions you can ask your new beau (and answer yourself, too) to figure out whether your approaches to kink could work well together – for an evening, a fling, or maybe even for the long haul.

1. What kinds of feelings do you like getting from kink?

When you’re in the midst of a kink scene, do you like feeling adored, appreciated, accomplished? Or do you prefer to feel overwhelmed, overpowered, and owned? How about degraded, dejected, or dismissed? (More great feelings words on Bex’s Yes/No/Maybe list.)

Knowing this about a potential (or current) kink partner can help shape your scenes. I’ll take a very different approach when submitting to a dom who appreciates quiet obedience, for example, versus a dom who likes a little bratty resistance. Likewise, if a dom thinks I want to feel used and put down, they’re not going to be able to give me the type of scene I actually tend to want, which involves me being cherished and coddled. Figure out your desired feelings first, and then you can start to figure out everything else.

2. What does it look like when you’re enjoying yourself? What about when you’re not?

As a sub, I giggle when I’m enjoying myself – but I know other subs whose mid-scene giggles might mean they’re uncomfortable and don’t know how to say so. I know people whose stony silence might mean they hate what’s happening, and people who only go silent when things are feeling really good. I know people who kick and scream when they’re taken past their pain limits, and people for whom that’s just a sign that the scene is going swimmingly. It’s important to know how your particular play partner responds to both good and bad stimuli, so you know when to slow your roll and when to hit the accelerator. Of course, you shouldn’t rely only on these cues – it’s still important to have (and heed) a safeword, and perhaps a green/yellow/red check-in system or something similar – but they’re crucial to know, nonetheless.

That doesn’t only hold true for subs and bottoms, either. Doms and tops also have “tells” for when they’re enjoying a scene and when they’re decidedly not. A bonus of articulating these signs to a partner is that you get clearer on them yourself. I never used to notice, for example, that my ankles would cross together protectively when I was nearing a pain limit, until a partner asked me to list and explain some of my nonverbal signals. Being more aware of your own body and responses is always useful!

3. Has anyone ever safeworded with you before? What happened?

This is one of my favorite screening questions for new doms, because it shows me quickly how they handle consent in scenes and to what extent they respect their partners. A bad or dangerous dom will tend to get defensive when asked this question – “Of course no one has ever needed to safeword with me!” – while a good dom who’s been around the block will likely have at least a few stories to share. (I’m sure you could learn a lot about a sub by asking them this question, too.)

Pay attention to how they talk about the person who safeworded (affectionately? dismissively?) and what they claim to have done after the safeword was said (hopefully they tried to give the person what they needed, instead of reprimanding them or abandoning them). Notice, too, what their general attitude on safewording seems to be. If they view it as a wimpy cop-out that should best be avoided, rather than a vital communication tool in any encounter, maybe you should steer clear.

4. What are some edges you’re interested in pushing?

These malleable edges are also known as “soft limits”: things you aren’t interested in doing, with most people or in most circumstances, but that you might be open to if the right situation and partner came along for that particular thing.

For example, I don’t want to feel like some douchey bro’s blowjob machine, but with a compassionate dom who I trusted and loved to please, having my mouth used in an objectifying or degrading way could be fun. Maybe your partner’s been curious about knife play for ages but has never had a chance to try it out. Maybe they’re a dom who’s curious about subbing, or vice-versa. Whatever it is, you don’t have to push that edge immediately or at all, but it’s good to at least know about it, so you can perhaps start to work toward it together.

5. What kind(s) of aftercare do you need?

If someone is new to kink – or hasn’t done it in a while – they may not know the answer to this. But they probably have at least some idea. Common elements of aftercare are cuddles, compliments, and snacks – but of course, these don’t work for everyone.

I get nervous doing scenes with new partners who I haven’t discussed aftercare with yet. While most kinksters seem to know intuitively that aftercare is important, it’s hard for me to relax and have fun if I don’t know that I’ll be properly taken care of when I’m too subspacey to articulately advocate for myself. So it’s best to have this conversation before it becomes relevant, so both of you know you’ll be able to get what you need.

What questions do you like to ask new kink partners before playing?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all words and opinions are my own.

Monthly Faves: A Sparkly Dildo & A Smoky Eye

Kate Sloan

It’s been a rough month for my physical and mental health, but as per usual, I managed to find some comfort and joy in sex. Here’s some of what I loved in February…

Sex toys

• I mentioned it briefly last month, but: the VixSkin Bandit is rocking my vag’s world lately. It’s comparable, dimensions-wise, to one of my favorite flesh-and-blood cocks in the known universe, so of course I love it for that reason – but it’s also a knockout in its own right. Vixen Creations is always killin’ it. (Their latest, the Gambler, is hilariously massive; maybe I’ll manage to fit one into me someday.)

• If you’re in need of a new water-based lube, I can’t recommend Sutil Rich highly enough. It’s luxuriously thick and long-lasting for a lube of this type, and I love how elegant the bottle looks on my nightstand. I’ve gotta restock mine soon!

• I’ve been wanting a Crystal Delights Star Delight glass dildo for years, and it’s always been way out of my price range – but they were having a sale around Christmastime, so I bought myself one as a holiday gift and had it shipped to my boyfriend in New York to save on postage costs. It’s quite a simple shape, and it’s made of borosilicate glass rather than the fancier and weightier soda lime glass, and both of those facts make me doubt that it’s worth its ridiculously high price tag. But it’s become one of my favorite toys to have inside me while I’m receiving oral sex. It’s surprisingly hard to find toys that work well for this purpose, but this one fits the bill. Here’s my partner on why this toy is genius:

When I’m going down on you, and I want to fuck you with a dildo, it’s nice to have something that won’t jab me in the face. The Crystal Delights dildo is perfect for this because after it’s inserted, it has a wide/thin base that I can easily press on with my hand, but that doesn’t bump my chin while I’m licking and sucking on your clit. Pressing one or two fingers against the gem in the base allows me to find the center of the toy just by touch and control the angle more easily. And It stays in place really well because of the texture and length, so I never worry about it coming too far out right as I get close to making you come. Also it looks gorgeous sliding into your cunt, and when I take a moment to breathe and give your sensitive clit a break, I have a pretty glass cock to look at.

Fantasy fodder

• (Content note for this one: incest roleplay.) Older brother/younger sister roleplay is something my partner and I experiment with occasionally. It’s an interesting dynamic because it allows for both nurturing-based and humiliation-based styles of dominance; I can be both bullied and loved, in the same scene, by the same person. Basically what I’m saying is that every way m’boyf ever dominates me is hot as fuck and I want more of it…

• (Content note: intoxicated sex, faux-“drugging.”) After a visit to a local dispensary, my partner and I found ourselves in possession of a weed-infused Nanaimo bar, which of course we immediately used for sexual purposes. High sex is great; high sex specifically on edibles is, in my experience, especially great. More giggly kink 2k19!

• A recurring fantasy for me lately is a scenario where a dommy dude fucks me and commands a subby dude to go down on me during the proceedings, purely so I’ll be tight and wet for his pleasure. (Uhh, writing porny shit like this still embarrasses me even though I’ve been chronicling my sex life online for nearly 7 years.) I enjoy that this fantasy makes me feel simultaneously objectified and prized, both useful and unimportant in one fell swoop. The breadth of the human sexual imagination is a trip!

Sexcetera

• The Voices of the Walrus podcast read my piece on asexuality and also interviewed me about it on live TV. I thought their questions were really smart, and I hope I answered them well!

• This month was the five-year anniversary of Tell Me Something Good, my local sexy storytelling event. It was lovely to spend the evening with whip-smart sex-positive folks, sharing stories from our wacky-‘n’-wild sex lives. I told the story of my recent Library Bar roleplay with my partner and it was fun!

• Sextistics: This month I had in-person sex 10 times and phone sex 22 times, totaling 32 sex sessions.

Femme stuff

• Despite owning a zillion already, I bought a new red lipstick this month: Rouge D’Armani matte lipstick in “Lucky Red,” the matte version of my favorite red. (I don’t think they make the glossy version of this shade anymore?! Or at least, Sephora doesn’t seem to sell it.) It’s classic and luxurious and makes me feel like a movie star, which is exactly what a red lipstick should do.

• Many many months ago, I tweeted lustfully about Coach’s collaboration collection with Keith Haring. My very sweet boyfriend evidently filed that information away, because 10 months later, on our anniversary, he surprised me with the blue Rogue bag from that collection – engraved with my initials and a little blue heart, natch. It’s astonishingly beautiful and well-made, and I feel so sophisticated and vibrant every time I carry it anywhere.

• My best makeup look of the month was the navy smoky eye I did for a long-distance date celebrating our “collarversary.” Sir and I each went to a hotel bar in our respective cities (our first I-love-you was uttered in a hotel bar exactly one year earlier) and talked on the phone while sipping cocktails and snacking. It was romantic AF and I felt very glamorous!

Media

• If you’re at all interested in the subjective experience of mental illness, run – don’t walk – to buy Esmé Weijun Wang’s new book, The Collected Schizophrenias. It’s getting a lot of attention since its launch, and for damn good reason: the essays in its pages depict the sometimes-grim, sometimes-poetic realities of living with schizoaffective disorder, from stigma to self-care to death delusions. I loved every moment I spent reading this book.

• I absolutely tore through Raven Kaldera’s anthology on submissives with disabilities, Kneeling in Spirit. It’s a lovely and affirming resource. If you’re a submissive with physical limitations, or the dominant of someone like that, you should pick this up.

• At one point this month, I experienced an intense and random urge to listen to one of my favorite Missy Bauman songs, “Natalie.” Resultingly, I started listening to Missy’s music pretty much on loop for weeks. She has a new EP out – go take a listen!

Little things

Karaoke night with treasured pals. Selfies in bisexual lighting. Getting pitches accepted at dream publications. Seeing my bruddy perform live. Highly aesthetic peppermint tea. Using D/s as a tool to help keep me healthy. My new fancy pen (a recommendation from my pen-nerd boyfriend). Oysters and Manhattans. Hitting 10,000 Twitter followers! A tiny ruler I bought for impact play before I realized how tiny it was. Ridiculous over-the-top Valentine’s outfits. Spending V-Day evening at a children’s musical in the Distillery District by myself. Beauteous flowers from my beau. Hanging out with cats. My new rainbow menstrual cup. CXBO chocolates. Matching MeUndies. Really immersive hypnotic inductions. Jacobs & Co. Steakhouse. My Sir’s insistence on finding pancakes for me when I was craving ’em. Renewing my Soulpepper subscription. My sparkly new phone case. My new assistant (it’s a long story).

5 Myths About the Clit

Kate Sloan

Clitoris, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You are a sensitive seductress, an orgasm-enabler, a prettily-hued part. You thrill and satisfy many a mouth, and you give purpose to vibrators that might otherwise remain unused. You are chronically ignored, epidemically mistreated, but still you rise to meet the pleasurable reputation which precedes you. You are, in short, a hero: responsible for great joys worldwide but fiercely unappreciated for all that you do.

Despite all my rhapsodizing, I still have beef with some of the discourse that exists around the clit. It is, to say the least, a widely misunderstood body part. Here are 5 common myths about the almighty clitoris…

It’s only for foreplay.

As artist Sophia Wallace points out in her Cliteracy project: “Mastered the Kama Sutra? If you are not cliterate, 70% of [people with vulvas] will still be unsatisfied.” These stats vary depending on who you ask, but I’ve seen estimates that anywhere from two-thirds to nine-tenths of vulva-possessing folks need clitoral stimulation in order to get off. These numbers are, presumably, similar to the proportion of folks with penises who need those penises touched if they’re going to reach orgasm… because – surprise, surprise – the penis and the clitoris are anatomically analogous.

I have cringed through many a porn scene or fanfic story where clitoral stimulation is treated as a cursory appetizer to the “main event.” And let’s be real: this attitude spreads to real life, even if clitorally oblivious pornographers and erotica authors claim they only create works of fantasy. Several of my cis male partners have demonstrably not understood how important my clit is to my sexual response – and then sometimes they would seem shocked or offended when their penetrative fumblings didn’t push me anywhere close to climax! Our culture needs to change the way it discusses and treats clits, if we have any hope of closing the orgasm gap.

It’s just the little bump you see on the outside.

The head of the clitoris – that is to say, the part that is most visible – is often mistaken as the clit in its totality. In reality, though, medical imaging has taught us that the clitoris extends into the body, just like the penis does. It has a shaft, long legs (“crura”), and bulbs, which can be indirectly stimulated with fingers or clit vibrators through the labia, mons pubis, and vagina. Some theorists even posit that all “G-spot” and “vaginal” orgasms are actually indirect clitoral orgasms in disguise.

Once you know this secret truth about the clit, it really opens up your options for stimulating this body part. For example, many folks (myself included!) find that the head of the clitoris is too sensitive to be touched directly, in which case, stimulating the sides and top of the clitoral shaft might be a better route to pleasure. Don’t be afraid to suck or stroke the shaft as if it were a tiny penis, either – because it basically is. And there’s nothing wrong with that. (Uh, maybe we could re-frame this to say that a penis is essentially an oversized clit?!)

Only women have them.

Fuck off with your cissexist bullshit. Trans men exist. Non-binary people exist. Intersex people exist. There are people all across the gender spectrum – and beyond – who have a clit. If you ever refer to “women” in your spoken or written clitoral discourse, ask yourself: why? Is it really, truly, actually necessary to phrase your ideas that way? Probably not.

On that note, the marketing for clit vibes is habitually feminine, and it’s disheartening to see. Sex toy companies need to get with the program already; it is 2019, and excluding trans people isn’t acceptable, nor was it ever.

It has more nerve endings than the entire penis.

An often-repeated factoid about the clitoris is that it contains 8,000 nerve endings, apparently twice as many as the entire penis. But that stat can be traced back to a 1976 book about cows and sheep – not even humans. Even if that estimate did apply to people, it would probably refer to the circumcised penis, because modern medicine estimates the foreskin alone contains about 20,000 nerve endings. Yeesh!

This isn’t exactly the moment for me to mount an intactivist spiel, maybe, but while I’m on the subject: no one should be circumcised as a baby unless it is literally medically necessary. Beyond affecting genital function and health, routine infant genital mutilation (whether of a penis or a clitoris) robs the patient of thousands upon thousands of nerve endings that would enrich their lives. If a person wants elective surgery on their genitals for whatever reason, it’s my opinion that they should do it when they’re old enough to make that weighty decision for themselves in an informed way, rather than having it thrust upon them by archaically-minded parents or doctors.

It’s hard to find.

This myth was a staple of 1990s stand-up comedians’ acts, I guess because it’s hilarious when men think their partners’ pleasure is unimportant or too much work?? What a weird world we live in.

It’s true that the clitoris is usually nested in layers of skin – a hood and two sets of labia – which, combined with its size, make it less visually obvious at first glance than, say, a penis. But once you’ve looked at a few vulvas, it’s hard to miss the clit. It’s the protrusion where the inner labia intersect, and you can usually feel it with your fingers, especially when it starts to harden with arousal. (A particularly memorable Vice cunnilingus guide said that the clitoris feels “like a tumor in a pile of earlobes,” which, while horrifying, effectively illustrates the textural differences between the clit and the skin that surrounds it.)

Frankly, if you regularly fuck people who have clits, and you’ve never taken the time to either find those clits yourselves or ask their owners to point them out, you are not even doing the bare minimum as a sexual partner. I get that it can be anxiety-inducing to do something you’ve never done before, but pleasing your partner is more important than your pride. Figure it out, if just because you’ll feel like more of a Casanova once you do.

 

What are your least favorite myths about the clit?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all thoughts and opinions are my own.