Author: Kate Sloan

How I Fell in Love With Cock & Ball Torture šŸ˜ˆ šŸ’œ

Kate Sloan

Helen: You can’t possibly know how you’ll respond to something until you try it.

Jessica: I happen to disagree. I happen to think, if you know yourself well, you can gauge how you’re going to react to something…

Helen:Ā You know how you’ll react to everything?

Jessica: Pretty much, yes.

[Helen suddenly kisses her; Jessica falls silent, shocked]

Helen: I guess you’re right. You seem to know yourself pretty well.

This dialogue from the movieĀ Kissing Jessica Stein sums up exactly why it took me so long to realize I liked doing cock & ball torture (a.k.a. CBT, not to be confused with cognitive-behavioral therapy). I thought I knew myself well enough to already know, more-or-less, which kinks could appeal to me and which simply couldn’t. But I was wrong about that.

 

My first CBT experience

My first few penis’ed partners had no interest in genital torture ā€“ and to be fair, neither did I ā€“ so it wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I encountered someone who wanted me to hurt his dick.

He brought it up during a late-night handjob. We hadn’t been dating for very long, and I was still trying to get a grasp on what worked for him, so to speak. I hadn’t been able to make him come yet, despite ample effort and interest; I had only occasionally laid beside him in bed while he got himself off instead.

Tonight I’d wanted to give it another go, but his dick still seemed unimpressed. So I floundered, technique-wise, trying anything I could think of, until… he put his hand on mine, to pause my stroking, and said, simply: “Pinch the skin as hard as you can.”

I remember thinking: As HARD as I CAN?!Ā Are you SURE?!

But lo and behold, when I picked a spot on his shaft and followed his instruction, within seconds he was coming all over my hands.

That relationship didn’t last long, for a whole host of reasons (some sexual, some less so), but it taught me some important lessons that I would take with me into the rest of my sex & dating life ā€“ including that dick pain could be a turn-on for some people, and that apparently I was one of those people.

 

Why I like CBT now

It’s been nearly a decade since that initial pinchy handjob that kicked everything off, and I’ve done a fair bit more CBT since then. I’m certainly no pro, like the ballbusting experts you’ll see on clip sites and at certain fetish parties (you know who you are!), but I do it semi-regularly and with relish. Here are a few reasons I like topping for CBT…

ā€¢ Hurting people who want to be hurt is hot! I wouldn’t enjoy slapping someone’s dick around unless they really, really wanted me to, because masochists’ desire for pain and positive responses to pain are what make the interaction sexy to me, for the most part. Someone begging you to hurt them, if you’re both into that, can be as hot as someone begging you to fuck them, and for the same reasons: it means they want you and they trust you. That’s high praise!

ā€¢Ā Penises are culturally weighty. Slapping someone’s cock is really different from slapping, say, their ass or their face. Not only does it feel very physically different because of the different concentrations of nerve endings involved; it also feels pretty different psychologicallyĀ for both the top and the bottom. People’s feelings about their own genitals may relate to their understandings of gender, power, desirability/attractiveness, and more, and all of that may come up during CBT play (which is part of why pre-negotiation and aftercare are so important!). Likewise, I know my own feelings about CBT as a top are influenced by cultural baggage I’ve absorbed about dicks; over the course of my life, I have felt afraid of them, fascinated by them, desirous of them, and often some combination thereof, so it’s an interesting experience psychologically to inflict consensual pain on one.

ā€¢Ā New routes to pleasure/orgasm are cool! Few things are sexier to me than seeing someone being overwhelmed by pleasure, especially unexpectedly intense pleasure ā€“ and even though I’ve made my partner comeĀ many times by slapping their cock at this point, I still find it astonishing every single time. Aside from that one experience with a previous partner that I described above, neither my spouse nor I had played with this kink to this extent before, so it feels intimate and sweet that we’ve found this new-to-us way to share pleasure through pain.

 

How about you, dear reader? Are you a CBT aficionado, or is it a bridge too far for your delicate, uh, sensibilities? šŸ˜‰

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Valm 8-inch realistic dual-density dildo

Kate Sloan

This might be the perfect realistic dildo.

So perfect, in fact, that I was FURIOUS when someone in my building STOLE THE PACKAGE containing my custom-made dong, before I was able to retrieve it from outside my door.

And so perfect, indeed, that when Valm sweetly offered to just mail me another one, I was so delighted that all my anger at the anonymous dildo thief dissipated in the wind. I hope theyā€™re enjoying my dildo, wherever they are. I know I am.

That gradient tho

Customization options

In terms of shape and size, Valmā€™s dildo options are simple and straightforward: thereā€™s a 6-inch version, an 8-inch one (which is the one I chose to review, because my vagina is Goldilocks, apparently), a 10-inch and a 12-inch. Size queens/kings/monarchs, take note!

Each size option is available in 3 different silicone formulations: single-density, dual-density, and triple-density. Multi-density silicone is often used to make dildos feel more realistic ā€“ it means that the toy has a firm silicone core, with one or two layers of softer silicone on top. This creates a more lifelike penis-esque feeling, and also allows a dildo to be firm enough to stroke internal erogenous zones while also being squishy enough to be super comfortable.

The more silicone densities a dildo has, the more realistic it tends to feel ā€“ but more densities also means a higher price, so keep that in mind when making a decision. For instance, the dildo Iā€™m reviewing is dual-density and costs $161, while the single-density and triple-density versions of the same size cost $117 and $191, respectively.

Most glorious of all is the color options. You can get Valm toys in a couple of different skin tones or various bright colors. Theyā€™re also able to do custom gradients. I thought long and hard (dick joke barely intended) about what I wanted, and eventually settled on a gradient: the dildo is neon orange fading into hot pink toward the base of the shaft. Words and photos cannot do justice to how eye-gougingly bright it is IRL. It is technicolor. It is camp. It is 1960s (like this Gala Darling outfit). I love it so much.

Things I like about this dildo

  • The colors. Have I mentioned the colors?! This thing is soooo bright!
  • The dual-density silicone does indeed feel really real. The head is especially squishy, which allows it to nudge up into my A-spot easily without bothering my cervix (unless Iā€™m especially zealous). Itā€™s firmer through the shaft, which is ideal, IMO, but still soft enough to give me that satisfying stress-ball-squish feeling when I come around it.
  • The size is great for me. While the dildo is 8ā€ in total, its insertable length is 7.25ā€, so it can reach my A-spot with ease. The diameter is 1.65ā€, which manages to feel both pleasantly filling and ultra-comfortable for me (when Iā€™m turned on enough, of course).
  • The coronal ridge, while not as pronounced as those Iā€™ve seen on some other dildos, juts out enough that it feels amazing each time it strokes over my A-spot. Once I get this dildo nestled as deep as I want it, I barely have to move it in and out at all to get some pretty intense A-spot stimulation.
  • With its balls and suction cup base, this dildo is anal-safe, strap-on compatible, and can be stuck to hard flat surfaces for hands-free use (like shower walls, kitchen floors, or glass coffee tables ā€“ hey, you do you). The chunky base works well as a handle when thrusting, even on days when my hands are sore.
  • The surface of the silicone is unusually glide-y (as opposed to draggy) when well-lubricated, so I can thrust it fast and hard without encountering much resistance ā€“ which some people might not like, if they enjoy a lot of friction against their vaginal or anal walls, but I like it because it means my hands and arms donā€™t get sore from thrusting this dildo.

Things IĀ donā€™t like about this dildo

  • Its shaft is quite straight, so if youā€™re looking for a G-spot-focused dildo, look elsewhere. As mentioned, I love this toy for A-spot stim, but thatā€™s not everyoneā€™s jam, and thatā€™s fine.
  • The hyper-realistic ridges and folds around the head of the dildo, which are meant to look like (and indeed do look like) the corresponding features on a human penis, are pronounced enough on this toy that they can be mildly annoying to clean. Get in there with an old toothbrush or a washcloth and you should be fine.
  • The price points of these dildos are somewhat high compared to other dual-density options Iā€™ve seen,Ā but they are made in the USA, which Iā€™m sure is part of the reason for that and which may justify the cost for some buyers.

Final thoughts

To me, the Valm dual-density 8-inch is the Platonic ideal of a realistic dildo. Gorgeous colors. Pleasurable shape. Not too big, not too small, but just right (for me, anyway!). Firm where it needs to be, and squishy where it needs to be. Versatile, chameleonic, a cock-of-all-trades.

Wherever my first one ended up, I hope its thief sees its simple brilliance and beauty as clearly as I do.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

15 Ways to Feel Luxurious Pleasure (At Any Budget!)

Kate Sloan

Pleasure seems to be in short supply these days. With so many of us either suffering directly or glued to the endless of doomscroll of other people’s suffering (or both, ugh), it would make total sense if you’ve been finding it difficult to access pleasure and joy lately.

But ā€“ as adrienne maree brown argues in her wonderful bookĀ Pleasure ActivismĀ ā€“ pleasure is important not only as a calming counterbalance to all the world’s stressors, but also as a guiding force that helps remind us what we’re fighting for.

Even “pleasure professionals,” like sex toy reviewers (hi, it me!) and escort service providers, can sometimes struggle to set aside enough time for pleasure, let alone enoughĀ money ā€“ so I gather that the average person struggles with this even more. Here, for your perusal, is a list of some key categories where I think pleasure is important, with 3 actionable suggestions at different price points in each category. I hope it inspires you to think about how you can bring more pleasure into your life today!

 

Food/drink pleasure

$ (freeā€“$20): Raid your fridge/cupboard/liquor cabinet and try to mix yourself an original cocktail/mocktail. Ideally it’d be delicious, but hey, sometimes failed experiments are the most hilarious kind.

$$ ($20-100): Find a recipe online that you’ve never tried and would like to, shop for all the ingredients, and put on some great music in the kitchen while you cook. (If you hate cooking, maybe you can bribe a loved one with wine/pie/compliments to do it for you, and then enjoy the meal together?)

$$$ ($100+): Do some research to find a restaurant in your area that offers a tasting menu (or a bar that offers ‘flights’) that appeals to you and fits within your budget, and then go enjoy a cavalcade of fancy flavors. If you’re so inclined, invite a partner or friend along, and dress up!

 

Sound/music pleasure

$: Seek out some new music online (or at your local library, if you wanna go old-school!) and listen to it with your eyes closed, concentrating on it, meditating on it, letting it take you where it will.

$$: Look up local music venues and see what’s coming up ā€“ and then get yourself a ticket to an orchestral performance, or go see some jazz at a club, or lug out your steel-toed boots to go mosh with some youths at a rock show. Notice how the music affects your body.

$$$: Get yourself a musical instrument, maybe one you’ve never played or owned before, and spend some time teaching yourself how to play (there are tons of tutorials on YouTube and elsewhere) and/or jamming out. (If you have no idea where to start, might I suggest the ukulele? You can get a decent beginner’s one for under $50 and a great-sounding one for under $200.)

 

Mental/intellectual pleasure

$: Set aside a chunk of time to leisurely read a book you’ve been wanting to get to, perhaps with a nice cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate to sip on while you read. (If you’re fresh out of good reading material, get on Google to find your closest Little Free Library and go exchange a book or two for something new-to-you.)

$$: Go see a movie you’ve been wanting to see, either by yourself or with a loved one. Optionally, bring a little notebook and pen and take notes like an insufferable cinephile. Or just sit back shoving popcorn into your face and let the art wash over you.

$$$: Get yourself a ticket to some live theatre ā€“ maybe a big showy musical, maybe an intense play, maybe an experimental one-person show put on by your local absurdist clown collective, who the hell knows. If you’re brave enough, make friends with the people sitting around you at intermission and discuss the Themes and Message of the work, assuming it has any.

 

Sexual and body-based pleasure

$: Get your hands on a bottle of coconut oil, almond oil, or similar ā€“ whether you grab it from your kitchen cabinet or from your local grocery store ā€“ and use it to massage a partner, or yourself. Go slow and be mindful of each touch to make your massage into a meditation.Ā Ahhh, my body feels calmer just thinking about it.

$$: Get thee to a yoga class, spin class, Zumba class, or whatever else sounds like a fun way to move your body. If no such thing sounds fun to you (#relatable), maybe the money would be better spent on a visit to your local spa for a pedicure, facial, sensory-deprivation tank float, or similar.

$$$: In the mood to feel truly spoiled with pleasure? Reach out to your local luxury escort agency about hiring a pro for an evening (or longer, big spender!). Depending on the particular offerings of the provider you hire, your session could be anything from a sensual sadomasochism scene to an erotic massage to an unforgettable sexual experience. After all, if you want something done right, it’s often best to hire a professional…

 

Play/fun

$: Pick a creative activity you’ve never/rarely done before, or just aren’t good at (music production, drawing, video editing, graphic design?), and spend a couple hours trying to make something, teaching yourself the necessary skills through research and experimentation as you go. Play around, try stuff out, and remember that the process is the point!

$$: Buy yourself a new video game and set aside some chill time to play it. (Even if you’re not typically a video game person/don’t own a console, there are many many games available for phones and computers these days!)

$$$: Sign up for an improv class, art class, dance class, or some other fun creative thing that’ll get you socializing and ‘playing’ on a regular basis. Play is good for our brains, even as adults (perhaps especially as adults), and we shouldn’t stop doing it just because we grow up!

 

What areĀ your favorite ways to access pleasure these days?

 

This post contains paid links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Types of Chastity Cage (& Who They’re Perfect For!)

Kate Sloan

In the realm of love, sometimes you don’t know exactly what you need until you find it. A partner’s particular personality traits, habits, or hobbies may seem far-removed from anything you’d envisioned for your dream love ā€“ and yet, you adore those qualities anyway, and they broaden your ideas about compatibility and what it can entail.

In the same way, I didn’t have much interest in chastity play until I started actually doing it, as a top/”keyholder” for my locked sub ā€“ at which point it became clear that this kink overlaps with several of my own turn-ons in interesting ways. The hypersensitivity, extreme horniness, and premature ejaculation that can be brought on by chastity are hot to me, and I love feeling ultra-desired in a laser-focused way by my very worked-up partner when she’s been caged for several days. I also just love dicks, so it’s cool that I get to ‘own’ one of my favorite ones in the world šŸ˜‰

In the ~5 years that my partner and I have been playing with this kink, we’ve tried several different chastity cages, and have enjoyed different ones for different reasons. So I was excited to get to partner with CageChastity.com for a post about some of the different types of cage and who might enjoy them, especially since the website has such a wide and varied selection of interesting cages!

Without further ado, let’s contrast and compare some of my favorite styles of cages… A cage match, if you will…

All images in this post via CageChastity.com

Clear cages

Best for: Voyeurs & exhibitionists

When I was a feisty young slut who frequently went out on the town, my friends and I would sometimes wear dresses with a cut-out in the chest region, which we’d refer to as a “cleavage window.” I am reminded of this whenever I see a clear chastity cage like this one, because it could likewise be termed a boner window. You get a full view of what’s inside, which could be humiliating in a fun way for the wearer, and is exciting for visually-inclined tops. šŸ‘€

Spiked cages

Best for: Sadomasochists

Yep, some people fetishize penile pain, and may seek out chastity cages with spikes on the inside to help sate that craving. My friend Dick Wound famously was named that because of their fondness for spiked chastity cages! (My sympathies to those of you who are protectively clutching your junk in horror as you read this…)

As an occasionally-sadistic top, I like how a spiked cage presents the wearer with a predicament: the harder their cock gets, the more the spikes hurt ā€“ which, if they’re turned on by the pain, easily becomes a feedback loop of yelps and welts! (Of course, you should do your research on proper first aid/aftercare before you use any toy that might break skin.)

Tiny pink cages

Best for: Sissies, cucks, and anyone who finds them gender-affirming

Most of us are well aware “in real life” that color needn’t be tied to gender; men can and do wear pink, and women can and do wear blue! But through kink, we often play with archetypes and stereotypes, even ones we know are outright false, because of how they make us feel. So it’s no surprise that cramming your cock into a teensy powder-pink cage could make you feel some type of way, whether you’re trans or cis (or not sure yet).

If you want to push things even further, you could get a chastity cage made to look like a vulva. It’s so cute!

Flat cages

Best for: “Ghost penis” play & sounding enthusiasts

Speaking of gender affirmation, these ultra-small cages compress your cock to its tiniest possible size, basically preventing it from getting hard at all, or at least making it highly uncomfortable to do so. Masochists and transfeminine people alike might enjoy these cages for that reason.

Some such cages are “inverted,” meaning that they have a protrusion on the inside which is meant to be inserted into the urethra. This makes the cage even more difficult to escape from, and also stimulates the sexually sensitive inside of the urethra, although ā€“ as with all forms of sounding ā€“ you’ll want to do your research on health & safety precautions before using this type of product.

One of my personal favorite uses for flat cages is “ghost penis” play, wherein a dildo or other penile stand-in is affixed to the cage, so that the wearer can see ‘their dick’ being stroked/sucked/etc. but can’t actually feel it. It’s even possible to make someone come this way (and I have), because the brain is the biggest sexual organ, after all!

Gold cages

Best for:Ā King Midas roleplay fetishists?!

I kid, I kid… It is interesting, though, to see a chastity cage in an aesthetic so often associated with wealth and power, when usually a locked-up cock is a symbol of (consensual)Ā disempowerment, submission, even humiliation. It leads me to wonder: What would it look like to build a scene around the idea of a locked cock beingĀ revered, being powerful, perhaps denoting the wearer’s rock-solid willpower and self-control?

It’s tempting, in kink, to see things in clear and simple binaries: “doms are always tops” or “subs are always bottoms,” for example (both false!), or even more insidious ideas like “men are more naturally dominant” and “women are more naturally submissive” (blegh). A gold-finish chastity cage, like a pair of luxuriantly fur-lined handcuffs, invites us to rethink the simplistic scripts we can easily fall into, and to imagine new possibilities instead, and I think that’s beautiful.

 

Thanks to CageChastity.com for sponsoring this post! Feel free to check out their collection of Holy Trainers and other cages. As ever, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

Review: Lovense Lush 4 wearable vibrator

Kate Sloan

If you ever peruse cam sites or amateur porn sites, you’ve probably seen the Lovense Lush around. It’s a favorite of many online sex workers, because of how well Lovense’s long-distance technology works: once this little pink vibe is inside you, you can connect it to the Lovense app and cede control of the toy to someone far away, whether that’s a friend, a partner, or a customer who’s paid for the privilege.

Lovense’s many other offerings are great too ā€“ I’ve reviewed several! ā€“ but the Lush seems to be their most popular. So, needless to say, I was intrigued when Lovense reached out and asked if I’d like to review the latest iteration of this bestselling toy, the Lush 4. It launched today, but I’ve been testing it for a couple weeks now. Let me give you the lowdown on how this cult-fave toy has been updated!

Lush 3 (left) and Lush 4 (right)

How does the Lush 4 compare to the Lush 3?

  • The Lush 4’s clitoral arm is shaped differently, having more of an arrowhead/diamond shape than the rounder one on the 3, and is also slightly larger, so it can cover more real estate.
  • The Lush 4 offers rapid charging: charge it for just 5 minutes and you’ll get 1 hour of play. (Charging for a full 50 minutes, however, gets you up to 6 hours of play.)
  • There is a stylish “decorative electroplated piece” on the outside of the Lush 4’s clitoral arm, which (optionally) lights up with different-colored LED lights depending on the vibration mode you’re on, to give both partners a visual indicator of what the vibrator is doing at any given time.
  • The Lush 4’sĀ neck is slightly thicker and floppierĀ than the one on the 3.
  • The Lush 4 is slightly more expensive ($129 currently) than the Lush 3 ($119).

Other than those differences, the two models are quite similar: they have the same motor, their internal/G-spot arm is identical, and they’re both waterproof and relatively quiet.

Lush 3 (left) and Lush 4 (right)

Things I like about the Lovense Lush 4

  • I’ve come to expect fantastic vibrations from Lovense toys, and the Lush 4 delivers. Its vibrations are satisfyingly rumbly, and the app gives you extremely precise control over the vibe’s wide range of available intensities. My G-spot feels massaged and stroked by these vibrations, not at all irritated like it sometimes does with weak or buzzy vibes.
  • Speaking of my G-spot, this toy hits it with aplomb, just as the previous Lush did. Its contoured shape narrows to a rounded protrusion which presses against that spot with ease. I do have to readjust it sometimes to keep it where I want it (more on that later), but when it’s properly situated, it’s extremely stimulating.
  • The Lush 4 is frequently marketed as a vibrator you can wear under your clothes for discreet public play, and unlike almost all other vibes of which this is true, the Lush 4 is actually well-suited to the task. It’s quiet, comfortable even when worn for a few hours at a time, stays put relatively well if you’re wearing close-fitting underwear, and maintains its Bluetooth connection with impressive consistency. One word of warning, though: disable the LED lights in the Lovense app before using it in public, lest your waitress ask you why the hell your underwear is glowing! (I’d imagine folks with photosensitive epilepsy would want to disable this function, too.)
  • I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about those LED lights, but they’re a cool addition. As the partner controlling the vibe but not wearing it, it can sometimes be tricky to tell what exactly is going on, especially if your partner isn’t very vocal ā€“ but the lights change as you alter the vibrations, giving you a visual indicator of what your partner might be feeling. It’s not the most intuitive or informative display, but it’s something. And you can turn it off in the settings of the app if you don’t like it.
  • As ever, I’m impressed by Lovense’s connectivity, its app, and the many things you can do therein. Over the course of just one testing session, for example, I was able to control the toy myself in the app, send a link to a long-distance sweetheart to control it, and even sync up the vibrations with music. (Lush Life might be a good choice, for self-evident reasons… or perhaps something bassy and rhythmic, like the Shower Song?)
  • While it still doesn’t provide as much clitoral stimulation as I want/need (more on that below), the Lush 4 at least provides more clit stim than its predecessor, because its external arm is shaped in such a way that more vibration is transmitted to my clit. Still not enough for me to get off from, though.
  • The rapid charging function is quite useful, especially for this type of vibe, where you might impulsively decide to grab it right before a dinner date (for instance) and would be disappointed to find it dead. Just plug it in for five minutes ā€“ while you do your makeup or brush your teeth, say ā€“ and it’ll have enough juice for an hour of use.
  • It’s waterproof! Hurrah!

Things IĀ don’t like about the Lovense Lush 4

  • As with the other Lushes that came before it, the Lush 4 offers very little in the way of clitoral stimulation. To be fair, it’s not really aiming for that; Lovense’s own website even suggests that you pair your Lush 4 with their Ferri panty vibe if you want clit stim. But since the majority of vulva-havers enjoy clit stim and need it to reach orgasm, and since the external arm of the Lush makes it a bit challenging to slot a clit vibe into that area too, I do always wish that the Lush directed more vibrations onto my clit and not just my G-spot, so that I could get off from it. As is, it’s a fun tease that I really enjoy, but that’s it.
  • It’s subtle, but I’m pretty sure the neck of the Lush 4 is slightly floppier/bendier than the neck of the Lush 3, which (for my particular anatomy, anyway) means that the 4 is a bit more prone to sliding around inside me and doesn’t always stay exactly on my G-spot, especially if I’m moving around a lot. I had to manually readjust it a bit more, which could be annoying if you’re using it in public/trying to be discreet.
Lush 3 (left) and Lush 4 (right)

Final thoughts

Q. Is the Lush 4 worth buying?

A. If you want a G-spot vibrator, yes! If you want a vibrator you can comfortably and discreetly wear for public play, yes! If you want a vibrator that can be controlled by a long-distance partner (or customer), yes!

Q. What about if I need/want clitoral stimulation?

A. Alas, you won’t get much of it from the Lush 4. If I want to reach orgasm with this toy, I have to nudge its external arm aside to make room for a separate clitoral vibe. The vibrations which transmit into the Lush’s clitoral arm just aren’t enough to get me off on their own. If you want something that’s similar but more clit-focused, I’d suggest the wonderful Ferri panty vibe or the We-Vibe-esque Dolce.

Q.Ā Should I upgrade to the Lush 4 if I already own a Lush 3?

A. Probably not, unless you think that the LED light display or rapid charging feature would make a big difference for you. Either one (or both) of those might make an upgrade worthwhile. Aside from that, I don’t think it’s changed enough that youĀ need to upgrade.

Q. Can I control your vibe?!

A. No, that privilege is only extended to a very, very lucky few. You know who you are. šŸ˜˜

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.