Author: Kate Sloan

Review: Hello Nancy Avo clitoral massager

Kate Sloan

Two things which we millennials apparently love, at least if the press releases in my inbox are to be believed: avocados, and pressure-wave sex toys.

I’m certainly not beating those allegations; I use pressure-wave toys semi-regularly, and I’m one of the many millennials who eats avocado toast but doesn’t own a house. (Hmm, doesn’t it seem like, if wages had kept up with inflation, more of us could comfortably afford both, and no one would have to write shamey thinkpieces about it? 🤔 Ah well…)

Anyway, economy gripes aside, today I’m reviewing a toy that combines both these millennial staples into one green little gadget: the Hello Nancy Avo clitoral massager. Like their lemon-shaped Lem, which I reviewed yesterday, this toy is cute, unusual-looking, and surprisingly powerful for its petite size. It’s so similar to the Lem, in fact, that I’m going to compare the two throughout this piece.

Ways in which the Avo and Lem are more-or-less the same:

  • Both are pressure-wave clitoral massagers, meaning they stimulate the tip of the clitoris with rhythmic air waves.
  • Both are made of matte, smooth silicone.
  • Both have 10 modes/settings, although the modes themselves are different (more on that below).
  • Both have a soft-edged silicone “mouth” that is just under half an inch in diameter, so they’re best-suited for people with small-to-medium clits (and I wouldn’t recommend them for people who’ve experienced bottom growth due to testosterone).
  • Both are IPX7 waterproof, so you can wash ’em in the sink and use ’em in the shower or bath if you want to.
  • Both come in totally adorable packaging, with a silky pink storage bag for the toy.

Ways in which the Avo is better than the Lem:

  • I like the avocado-y shape, and found it easier to hold onto than the lemon shape, even with my chronically sore hands. I also found that the avocado shape stayed in place better when I’d briefly use it hands-free (like while finding more porn clips to watch on my phone), which is a definite plus for me.
  • Additionally, I think this shape would be better suited for using during PIV sex than the rounder Lem. The Avo could even fit into missionary-position sex without much trouble. It’s about the same size as something like a Satisfyer Penguin, but shaped even better to fit between bodies.
  • The Avo feels noticeably more powerful than the Lem, so it may be better appreciated by people who enjoy intense stimulation. That being said, its pressure waves feel buzzier than those of the Lem – more on that below – so it’s ultimately less pleasurable for me, despite being stronger.
  • The lowest speed of the Avo is actually low, unlike the Lem which starts off a bit aggressive for my liking. I appreciate being able to start at a lower intensity and work my way up as I get more aroused (although this would be easier to do if there were more steady speeds; see below).
  • I tend to stick with steady speeds rather than patterns, but the patterns on the Avo are significantly better than the patterns on the Lem. There’s less space in between pulses, and the rhythms are more consistent. People who enjoy patterns might actually like these!

Ways in which the Lem is better than the Avo:

  • Most crucially: the Lem’s pressure-waves feel a lot rumblier and more clitorally impactful than the Avo’s. My clit just kind of zones out/numbs out after a few minutes with the Avo, whereas the Lem feels engagingly rumbly through all of its settings. For this reason, I was able to reach orgasm with the Lem but not with the Avo.
  • The Lem has 4 steady speeds and 6 patterns, whereas the Avo has only 3 steady speeds, followed by 7 patterns. I’m not sure of the reason for this difference, but in any case, 3-4 steady speeds is not enough gradation for me; my preference is 8-10.
  • The Lem ($89 USD/$120 CAD) is cheaper than the Avo ($99 USD/$140 CAD), although I’m not sure why – and frankly, I think both are a bit overpriced. Pressure-wave toys at this price point usually have flashier features to justify their high cost, like Womanizer’s “Autopilot mode” or the multiple different-sized clitoral attachments that come with some Womanizer toys.
  • Despite being repeatedly described by the brand as “whisper-quiet,” the Avo is one of the louder pressure-wave toys I’ve tried. The Lem is a much more reasonable volume by comparison.
  • The Lem lasts 2 hours on a 90-minute charge, whereas the Avo only lasts 90 minutes on a 90-minute charge.

Final thoughts

In general, I think the sunny yellow Lem is the better toy of the two. It feels better, can get me off, and its aesthetic appeals to me more. The higher-pitched “buzziness” of the Avo‘s pressure-waves will work for some people, but I think most folks would dig the Lem more.

In general I struggle to say that Hello Nancy’s toys are worth the splurge, since they don’t quite deliver sensation-wise in the way I’d expect for a pressure-wave toy at this price point – but as I noted in yesterday’s review, sometimes a toy’s aesthetic makes it worth the extra cash. Sex toys are meant to bring you pleasure, and many people find it easier to seek and justify self-pleasure if they’re using a toy with an aesthetic that makes their heart sing. Maybe some of my fellow avocado-obsessed millennials are swooning over the Avo as they read this!

As for me, though… I think I’ll keep my avocados on my toast, and not on my vulva. 🥑😉

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

What’s Even More Intimate Than Sex?

Kate Sloan
This babe took me to Sweeney Todd + an improv show on our 2nd date, so you KNOW she understands the value of what I’m talking about in this post!

I’ve been pondering the word “intimacy” a lot lately, because it’s constantly being misused. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen a lube marketed as “intimacy gel,” for example, I’d have… enough money to buy a lube that proudly calls itself lube instead!

Intimacy, to my mind, is a mental and emotional thing, not a physical or directly sexual thing – although certainly it pairs beautifully with sex for many of us, the way a fine wine pairs with a fine cheese.

I see intimacy as the ability to be psychologically vulnerable with someone – or “emotionally nude,” as Ricken Hale might say – and to hold their vulnerability in return. I also see it as the ability to be fully yourself with someone, and the knowledge (or at least the hope and belief) that they will adore and accept you, just as you are. It’s a difficult thing for many of us to find, not only because it’s rare to meet someone cool/hot/nice/smart/funny enough that you want to open up to them, but also because intimacy itself requires a certain level of soul-baring that can be uncomfortable at times – although I think it can also be revelatory and soul-nourishing, when it’s good, so it’s usually worth the gamble. (Hey, wasn’t that the whole point of my heart dice tattoo?!)

To that end, there’s something I find to be just as intimate as sex, and sometimes even more intimate. I’m talking about feeling deeply in someone’s presence.

Granted, yes, sex definitely falls into that category – at least, any sex I’d be excited to have. Ditto some sex-adjacent activities like hanging out at a strip club, casually watching porn with a friend, or jerking off with a stranger on a sex cam site like Chaturbate. But also within that category are things like: Watching a great movie together. Attending live music or comedy. Seeing gorgeous sights together while traveling. Conquering a difficult co-op video game or board game together. Working together on a high-stakes work project or creative performance. Hell, even just having a fantastic conversation can make you both feel strong feelings around each other, reaching soaring heights of intimacy that plenty of sex doesn’t even touch.

As a demisexual person, I find that some measure of emotional intimacy is required before I’ll be able to feel sexually attracted to someone. There will usually be a moment where something clicks and I suddenly think, “Ohhhh. I think I want to fuck you! How’d I never notice it before?!“

I’m sure it’s no coincidence that many such moments have occurred while my crush and I were diving to emotional depths together, whether we were laughing our asses off in the front row of a comedy show, mashing controller buttons side-by-side in a hyper-competitive Mario-off, or catching a rom-com at the local multiplex. I loved seeing a window into their most vulnerable self, much earlier in the get-to-know-ya process than I’d normally get to, whether that manifested more like childlike joy or the willingness to break down in tears.

Before that, at my arts high school full of weirdos, my most intense crushes tended to be on people I collaborated with: improv teammates, Shakespeare scene-study buddies, even the guy I co-wrote a fake Simpsons spec script with in Writer’s Craft class. I’ve always liked seeing people cracked open emotionally, spilling out a little; it’s so much more interesting than the staid small talk you’re usually limited to when first getting to know someone.

Sometimes I’ll even choose a date location/activity with this in mind, especially when I’m trying to discern if a budding connection has staying power. Are they comfortable laughing their ass off in front of me, in a borderline-unflattering way, and do I likewise feel I can laugh that hard in front of them without giving them “the ick”? If the movie we’re watching is sad, are they gonna be weird about me crying on their shoulder, or will they hand me a tissue and tug me closer? If a really hot sex scene on TV makes us want to hit pause and jump each other’s bones, will we let ourselves get swept away like lusty young lovers? These examples may seem pretty different – happy, sad, horny – but the point is the intensity of the feeling, not its identification. I think I’d make out with a hottie just as enthusiastically after Fight Club as I would after Secretary, y’know?

I always feel like I know someone better after we’ve felt strong feelings together, whether we’ve watched a tearjerker or a jerk off cam. Knowing someone deeply, and being known deeply, is the very definition of intimacy to me – so I suppose it’s no coincidence that it’s the hottest thing in the world to me, too.

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Hello Nancy Lem clitoral massager

Kate Sloan

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. And when life gives you a lemon-shaped vibrator, you… squirt? I dunno. We’ll workshop the tagline.

This is the Lem clitoral massager by Hello Nancy, and its sweet-‘n’-sour aesthetic impressed me right out of the box – but did it have the juice I needed? Let’s discuss…

What is the Hello Nancy Lem?

This toy massages your clit with rhythmic air waves, just like Womanizers, Satisfyers, and their ilk. It has 4 steady speeds and 6 patterns. It’s made of silicone, and lasts about 2 hours on a 90-minute charge.

Oh yeah, and it’s shaped like a lemon, which is fun.

Things I like about the Hello Nancy Lem:

  • The pressure waves this toy produces are impressively rumbly, strong, and pleasurable! I enjoy them a lot, when the toy’s nozzle is positioned on my clitoral hood (more on that below). They build arousal quickly for me, and they stay rumbly-feeling even as I get more turned on and increase the intensity. I was able to reach orgasm easily and consistently with this toy, with or without additional penetrative stimulation like a dildo or butt plug.
  • The Lem’s nozzle has soft, rounded, flexible silicone edges that are comfortable in use and allow it to form a good seal around my clit, which can nonetheless be easily broken when I want to reposition the toy.
  • I wasn’t sure how I would feel about the lemon shape in use, but it works better than I thought: the silicone has enough grippiness that I can keep ahold of it even when my hands are a bit lubey, and I can place a fingertip on the pointed end of the lemon to angle/guide it when needed. It might be too bulky to fit between bodies for sex in the missionary position, but positions can be adapted, and it’s certainly smaller than something like a wand or even a standard-sized Womanizer.
  • It’s not often that I comment on a sex toy’s packaging or branding, because I don’t generally consider those things terribly important – but Hello Nancy knocked it out of the park with theirs. The toy came gorgeously presented in a pink and yellow box, along with a pink storage bag and an “instruction manual” printed on the backs of what appears to be stylized tarot cards. These are all such beautiful touches, and could make an aesthetically-conscious newbie feel more excited to try a sex toy for the first time, so I love ’em.
  • The Lem is IPX7 waterproof, meaning you can wash it in the sink or use it in the shower/bath without fear of ruining it.

Things I don’t like about the Hello Nancy Lem:

  • My issue with the Lem is the same issue I have with like 80% of pressure-wave toys: the nozzle is so small that it only covers the very tip of my clit, which is the most sensitive part and therefore the part most prone to overstimulation or discomfort if touched too intensely. There are no speeds low enough on the Lem for that to feel comfortable for me, so I use it exclusively on my clitoral hood or through my inner labia instead, stimulating my clit indirectly – but this isn’t how the toy was meant to be used, so it sometimes slides around, breaks its seal, etc. This push-and-pull between overstimulation and understimulation is a frequent problem for me with pressure-wave toys and makes orgasms less satisfying than they otherwise might be.
  • The Lem only has one button – you hold it down to turn the toy on or off, and short-press it to change modes. This system is inconvenient for those of us who like to increase and decrease the intensity of a toy over the course of a session, as you have to cycle through all 10 modes to get back to the first one. The button itself is also difficult to locate and press, as it’s embedded under the Nancy logo – a cute aesthetic choice, for sure, but not a very practical one.
  • There are only 4 steady speeds, followed by 6 patterns. Most of the patterns are far too inconsistent for me to ever want to use them. Dear toymakers: if you must equip your toys with pattern modes, please make most of them consistently rhythmic and with only brief pauses between moments of stimulation. Anyone who wants a frustrating tease can provide it themselves by simply turning the toy off mid-use and throwing it out the window.
  • $89 USD/$120 CAD feels steep for such a simple toy: one function, 10 modes (most of which I’d never really use, because they’re patterns).

Final thoughts

The Hello Nancy Lem is a fruity li’l cutie of a clit massager – lovely and satisfying, if perhaps a tad overpriced. Is a sweet aesthetic worth paying extra for? In the world of fashion, typically I’d say YES (while lobbing my wallet in your general direction), but when it comes to sex toys, I’m not sure. I think it’s a very personal decision, and if the Lem’s sunny yellow look makes your heart sing, then you should follow your bliss! I certainly prefer this lemon over the much more played-out rose toys I’m seeing everywhere these days.

I found the Lem overstimulating when used as intended, applied to my clit head-on – but even that speaks well of it, since many pressure-wave toys are sadly underpowered and this sure ain’t one of ’em. I wish that some differently-sized nozzle attachments were offered, as with some Womanizers, so that those of us with picky clits could try out a few different options to see what feels best.

But overall, I think the Lem is totally adorable and surprisingly enjoyable. It’s definitely the first time a lemon has made me come…

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Why is Cock-Milking So Hot?

Kate Sloan
Pictured: the Seekheart Raiden telescopic rotation masturbation cup

Content note: I’m gonna talk about some forms of consensual non-consent in this post, primarily cock-milking/”forced orgasm” play. We’ll also touch on animal sexuality in the context of farming/husbandry.

Sometimes it takes me a long time to accept that I’m into a particular kink simply because I don’t like the name of that kink – or at least, the generally-agreed-upon name that it goes by in kink communities, fetish porn, etc.

I’m sure I would have embraced my fondness for “throatpies” much sooner, for instance, if they weren’t called, well, “throatpies.” (That’s the term for someone ejaculating while being deepthroated, FYI. It has nothing to do with pies!)

Likewise, there’s something about “cock-milking” that just doesn’t do it for me. I tend to shy away from anything livestock-adjacent in my sexual language – I’m fuckable, not breedable, thank you very much! – and the idea of someone being “milked” for their semen just makes me think about husbandry tanks and factory farming… although of course, there are many people for whom the dehumanizing livestock angle is the turn-on, and I love that for them. We should all be so lucky as to find sexual language that makes us feel “as happy as a pig in shit,” to invoke another farm-based metaphor 😂

It’s a pity that I don’t particularly connect with “cock-milking” as a phrase, because I sure do enjoy it as a kink. I love dicks, cum, and witnessing/giving intense pleasure, and I love the power exchange involved in “forced orgasm” play, so it makes sense that I’d also be into the type of cock-milking you can do with a mechanical wonder like the Seekheart Raiden. I haven’t gotten to try this particular one, alas, but its gun-like aesthetic is fascinating, and reminds me of the power tools used by farmers to extract semen from actual livestock. (Best of luck to anyone who I’ve just sent down that particular Wikipedia rabbit hole… or artificial bovine vagina, as the case may be…)

Indeed, I think something like “semen extraction” is my own preferred terminology for this kink. I adore medical play, but mostly the kind where the patients are treated like humans, not animals – although frankly, given how dehumanizing and even abusive the real-life medical system can be, sometimes this feels like a distinction without a difference!

As is probably common, my cum-harvesting fantasies usually conveniently omit the reason that the cum is being harvested at all… Maybe your genetics are being researched by an evil scientist, or you’re being baby-trapped by an alien trying to propagate a new planet; who the fuck knows. The point is, someone wants your cum and they want it bad – and they therefore want your orgasm bad, and will move heaven and earth to make it happen.

Writing that out and reading it back, I have to wonder if my interest in these fantasies stems at least partially from my own experiences of bad sex, of sex where my orgasm didn’t matter to the other person. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate antidote to that type of sex if someone not only wanted you to come, but literally needed you to? And if you don’t, then their career, Nobel Prize, or entire species could be on the line?

But that can’t fully explain my proclivity for this kink, because usually I identify moreso with the scientist or bratty evil genius doing the cum extraction. That, too, probably serves a psychological function: in stark contrast to all the times I’ve felt unattractive and unable to capture a crush’s sexual attention, in these fantasies my “victim” is so turned on by me and my ministrations that they literally cannot escape their own arousal, pleasure, and orgasm. Validation ahoy!

Is it fun to psychoanalyze yourself through your fantasies like this? Yes! Is it illuminating? Sometimes! I think one other benefit I glean from it, though, is that it helps me feel more connected to other perverts throughout time and space. Whether or not we agree on which terminology is hottest, and whether or not we practice our kinks in the same ways, we all have our own motivations for doing what we do – and these motivations are usually more similar than they are different. We all want to be loved, accepted, and valued, for instance – and it’s fascinating to observe all the zillions of different ways that manifests in fantasy, whether yours involves vanilla missionary lovemaking in a Paris hotel room, or having your cum guzzled by a ruthless alien on the Starship Enterprise. 🚀🖖

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Seekheart G-Spot Slap

Kate Sloan
*slaps roof of sex toy* this bad boy can fit so many fucking flapping tongues in it

Be honest: How willing would you be to have sex with someone, if you knew that their signature move was called the “G-spot slap”?

You can understand, then, why I was somewhat trepidatious to review the pithily-named Seekheart G-Spot Slap… but it’s actually a pretty interesting toy with some unusual functions that set it apart from other dual-stimulation vibrators. Let’s talk about it!

Gif via Seekheart

What is the Seekheart G-Spot Slap?

This toy features two main functions:

  1. The titular G-spot-slapping! This toy’s internal/vaginal arm has a long, noodle-shaped piece of silicone positioned inside a little alcove, so that it flicks back and forth rapidly when its vibrations are turned on, “slapping” your G-spot (as well as your posterior vaginal wall) on each stroke.
  2. A “mouth,” meant to stimulate your clit, with a tongue that vibrates and “licks” up and down, and lips that move back and forth in sucking-esque motion (although it doesn’t produce actual suction – more on that later).

This toy is made of silicone and ABS plastic. It’s IPX6 water-resistant, meaning it can stand up to high-pressure water streams from any direction (like while being washed between uses) but shouldn’t be submerged in water. It lasts about an hour on a 2.5-hour charge, which is pretty typical for a multi-function toy like this.

Things I like about the Seekheart G-Spot Slap

  • There are many ways that sex toys attempt to imitate cunnilingus, from rhythmic air waves to suction to flappy silicone tongues; some are more effective than others, and I tend to prefer those which are motion-based, like the undulating “lips” of this toy, over the more stationary kind. Motion-based toys stimulate more of my clit (as opposed to just focusing on the tip), which is more satisfying and more authentically oral-like. To that end, I really liked how this toy could rhythmically massage my clitoral shaft with its lips in a way that very few other toys have managed to do. When well-lubed, it can even make me come (which I suppose is no surprise, given that I have an easier time coming with human partners when they suck my clit rather than licking it).
  • Unlike a lot of other motion-based toys, this one didn’t seem to slow down much when pressure was applied, or when my vag muscles squeezed around it. Hooray!
  • As violent as the word “slapping” might sound, in practice the G-spot slapping function pretty much just feels like vibration. It starts off rumbly-ish and gets buzzier as you turn it up, but adds a nice undercurrent of sensation that I enjoy. (I didn’t really notice any stimulation on my posterior vaginal wall, possibly because that’s just not a very sexually sensitive zone for me.)
  • The very tip of the toy’s internal arm also “taps” against the A-spot area when the flapping function is turned on. This function doesn’t seem to be mentioned anywhere on the G-Spot Slap’s website, but it’s there! I found that it seemed to vibrate the general vicinity of my A-spot, rather than intensely targeting the spot itself, though, so I’d look elsewhere if you’re hoping for a very A-spotty vibe.
  • Each of this toy’s two main functions can be controlled separately with its own button, so you can (for instance) crank up the power on the internal part while leaving the external part at the same setting, or vice-versa.
  • Further, the buttons are well-labelled and easy to locate, even in the dark, because they’re raised and they light up when the toy is on.
A-spot-tapping tip

Things I don’t like about the Seekheart G-Spot Slap

  • My main issue with this toy is that the lips don’t create suction and don’t apply much pressure… they just move back and forth, like someone open-mouth kissing your clit again and again. That feels good to a point, but just like when human partners do it, I tend to want a little more zeal once I get turned on, and this toy just can’t provide it. Any suction created by the lips’ motion is immediately broken as they continue to move. I was able to get off with this toy by holding it very firmly against my vulva to maintain clit contact as consistently as possible, but even then, the orgasm was hardly satisfying, because – again – there was no suction and very minimal pressure being applied to my clit while I came.
  • The “tongue” inside this toy’s “mouth” is quite pointy, rigid, straight, and uniform, which ultimately makes it feel pokier and far less pleasurable than, say, the more realistic tongue of the Seekheart Licker. To make matters worse, the vibrations conducted by this tongue are quite buzzy, and don’t add much (if at all) to the pleasure provided by the surrounding lips.
  • The mouth has 4 steady speeds followed by 6 patterns; the “slapper” has 3 steady speeds followed by 7 patterns. That is not enough steady speeds, especially since they start quite fast – it would’ve been nice to have several slower options as well. And also it’s irritating that you have to cycle through all the patterns to get back to the first speed.
  • The mouth function is distractingly noisy. When you first turn it on, it sounds like mechanical whirring. In use, it sounds more like somebody is grumbling against my vulva (rhythmically chanting something like “bubble bubble” or “rumble rumble,” to be specific!). Not exactly a mood-setter, unless you’ve got a mumblecore fetish.
  • Speaking of noise: Oddly enough, because this toy’s vaginal arm has a big cutout in the middle of it, it’ll induce the occasional queefing-type sound during use. This doesn’t bother me, and doesn’t cause me any discomfort or anything, but it might bug some users. On that note, the cutout itself also makes the toy minorly more annoying to clean than it would otherwise be, as does the mouth.
  • Unlike with some other dual-stim toys, there’s not really an easy way to use either function of this toy on its own if you wanted to. You can’t, for example, position the toy’s mouth on your clit without also inserting its vaginal arm (or at least, I couldn’t figure out a way to do so!). There isn’t enough flexibility in the shaft to allow for that.
  • At the time that I’m writing this, the G-Spot Slap is retailing for £43.99, which converts to about $58 USD or $81 CAD. I ultimately think that’s too pricey for the lackluster clit stim you get with this toy, at least if clit stim is important to you (which it is for most vulva-havers).

Final thoughts

I’m always saying how much I love it when sex toy companies take risks, creating innovative new ways to prompt pleasure – and the Seekheart G-Spot Slap does a bunch of stuff I haven’t seen elsewhere much, if at all, so I’ve gotta give the company kudos for pushing the envelope!

It mouths your clit with soft lips (“softer than men’s,” according to the Seekheart website!) while vibrating it with a tongue, albeit a pretty pointy one… and it also “slaps” your G-spot and A-spot with pleasing vibration, albeit without much precision. I wish its clitoral sensations were more intense and concentrated, but not every toy aims for intensity – and if the idea of having your clit sweetly kissed again and again is a turn-on for you, you should certainly consider the G-Spot Slap!

But as for me, I think I’ll stick to coming between human lips instead of mechanical ones, because they know me better and feel better – at least until the technology improves. 🤖😉

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As ever, all writing and opinions are my own.