Author: Kate Sloan

3 Non-Sexual Things That Made Me Better at Sex

Kate Sloan

I find it simultaneously comforting and awe-inspiring that sex is such a holistic activity. It uses your body (obvi!) as well as your logic, your emotions, and sometimes even your spirit, if you believe in such a thing.

If you think of it that way, you start to realize how much your various life experiences have made you not only a better person but also a better sexual person. Here are some of my recent revelations in that regard…

1. Owning a pet.

No, y’all, this is not about bestiality!

When you own a pet – a pet who you love and touch and spend time with – you have to be attuned to that animal’s moods and responses. If you stroke your cat too lightly, it could tickle her, but if you push down too hard, it could hurt. If you give your dog too many snuggles, he might feel smothered and take off, but if you give him room to breathe, he’ll probably chillax. Get my drift?

Learning how to love your pet is a great way to learn how to walk right up to a sexual partner’s affection/pleasure threshold without crossing any lines that might cause them discomfort or pain. Of course, non-pet-owners can and do learn these skills too, but surely having a pet is more fun!

2. Volunteering at a support hotline.

I may have mentioned that I sometimes work at a phone line where youth can call in with questions about relationships, sex, or whatever’s troubling them. It can be emotionally draining work and I have to keep up with my self-care in order to do it, but in a lot of ways it’s also very fulfilling.

One of the things we learn in our training is a “basic listening sequence,” i.e. a series of active listening techniques. It involves things like asking open-ended questions (“How does that make you feel?”), mirroring emotions (“Sounds like you’re feeling angry”), normalizing (“Yes, a lot of people have that same problem”), and avoiding giving direct advice (“What do you think would happen if you were to try x?”). And guess what? A lot of these techniques translate well to having hard conversations with your sexual partner(s).

I am a firm believer in having occasional check-ins with your lover instead of just letting things always remain the way they are. It’s good to ask, “Are you happy with our sex life?” “Is there anything you’d like me to do differently?” “Is there anything new you’d like to try?” Asking these sorts of questions, and then actively listening to the responses, has taken my sex life to amazing new levels time and time again.

3. Yoga.

Oh, man. Even just typing the word “yoga” makes my body feel all buzzy and calm and blissed out. It is a mega restorative practice for body and mind.

This barely even needs to be explained, but: anything that makes you more aware of your body (how it moves, how it feels, what it is and isn’t capable of) will naturally make you better at sex and more able to enjoy yourself during sexual experiences.

Not to mention, a lot of the slow, methodical, meditative breathing stuff that you learn in yoga classes is sorta similar to the mindful breathing that tantric practitioners preach about.

What non-sexual practices make your sex life better?

Photo credits: YouWall, SelfAssess Listen, Women’s Health.

Sharing the Sexy #23

Kate Sloan

• A quadriplegic man learned to have orgasms with his thumb instead of his penis. Amazing!

• Lelo and We-Vibe are having a legal battle. So sad, ‘cause I love ’em both.

• Queer sex advice for straight ladies! This article is all about breaking down sexual scripts and having sex the way you want to, not the way society dictates. Yes!

• SPIT, a feminist porn collective, is raising money. Go donate and you can get a membership!

• Happy endings for women, hooray!

Review: Doc Johnson Thinny Minnie

Kate Sloan

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Every once in a while, a giant, cheap-ass sex toy maker like Doc Johnson comes out with something that catches my eye, and I wonder, Will this be the thing that changes my mind about this company?

The answer, at least in regards to the Thinny Minnie dildo, is a resounding nope.

I thought I would dig the Minnie because its shape reminds me slightly of the Lelo Ella, an elegant and effective G-spot dildo. But Ella stays firm, while Minnie flops. My G-spot needs firmness or girth or both, but the Minnie has neither.

It has an insertable length of 5", which really isn’t that long but feels like an eternity because of how boring the toy’s shaft is: straight, smooth, and skinny.

My G-spot can detect the Thinny Minnie, but just barely. If you want a good silicone G-spot dildo, go for the Acute, Tsunami, Adam, Ella, or Comet Wand instead. Anything but Doc Johnson!

(I know this review is super short, but can you blame me? Look at how boring this dildo is!)

Review: Lelo Large Smart Wand

Kate Sloan

For a long time, reviewers have been complaining that Lelo vibrators just aren’t strong enough. They’re beautiful, elegant, ergonomic, rechargeable, and high-quality, but many clits-o’-steel have been unimpressed with their strength.

Well, no more. Because the large Smart Wand is one of the strongest vibrators I’ve ever tried, and also one of the best.

For all you Hitachi enthusiasts, take a moment to imagine how your sex life would change if your beloved wand didn’t need to be plugged into the wall in order to work, and if you could actually take it in the bath with you. Mindblowing and life-changing, right? In that case, you probably need a large Smart Wand, pronto.

Before I start sounding too much like an infomercial, let’s get some gripes out of the way. Yes, the toy is 100% waterproof, but the charging port is just an open hole on the end of the toy’s handle. It can be really anxiety-producing to watch bathwater slowly flow into an open orifice on your $135 sex toy. The hole is just as waterproof as the rest of the toy, but I still think Lelo should have at least put a little peel-back silicone plug in that spot, to set bath-bound consumers’ minds at ease.

As for the color… I must admit, I did not order the white wand and it wouldn’t have been my first choice; the one I chose was black but I ended up with the white one nonetheless. The white tends to show every speck of dirt or dust that makes its way onto the toy. However, I do think it would make a lovely bridal/wedding gift, what with being ivory-colored and luxurious.

Most of the toy is covered in satiny-smooth silicone, while the inner edge of the gently curving handle is made of metallic gold plastic that makes it easier to grip the toy. The Lelo logo is embossed into the handle, but it’s high enough on the toy that it would be difficult to accidentally get any lube or natural juices into the grooves of the letters, which is an improvement on some previous Lelo designs.

The head of the massager has a bit of flex to it, like most other wand-style vibes, but it’s minimal. If you like a lot of firm pressure along with your vibrations, this toy can provide it.

Like most massager-style vibes, the part of the Smart Wand that will be touching your genitals is very big and broad. I thought I wouldn’t enjoy it because usually I like something a little more focused, but it didn’t bother me in the end.

Can I just say how much it annoys me that Lelo steadfastly markets this toy as a body massager? Granted, it does work great for body massage, but let’s be real here – Lelo makes sex toys, and has always been upfront about doing so, so why suddenly change the game and act like this vibrator is meant for solely G-rated usage? There is literally no mention of genitals, sex, or masturbation in the Smart Wand instruction manual. This annoys me on principle, but luckily, doesn’t change the awesomeness of the toy itself.

And let me tell you, it is awesome. This massager has very strong vibrations. Though the Smart Wand has multiple speeds like all Lelo vibes, I usually only use the third and fourth ones, because the toy is that strong.

The first three speeds are rumbly, causing the toy to visibly tremble back and forth, while the rest are buzzier – but all feel great. Like the Hitachi, this toy may need to be muffled with underwear or a towel for some users to enjoy it, but it’s worth it.

Much fuss was made about the Smart Wand’s “SenseTouch” mode, in which the vibrations will stay on a low level until they touch your skin, at which point they will ramp up suddenly to a much higher level. This is supposed to feel like the gradual pressure that a masseuse’s hands can provide. I didn’t think much of this mode and won’t be using it, but I can see how it could be useful for someone who plans to use the wand primarily for actual massage.

It’s worth noting that my Smart Wand is the large one; other reviewers have found that the medium version is not nearly as strong. So if power’s what you’re after, get the large.

My final issue with the Smart Wand, which might just be a glitch in my particular toy, is that the buttons are very sensitive. Sometimes I press the “plus” button once, to move up to the next speed, and it skips a few speeds randomly, moving up to a much stronger one than I’m ready for. This can be remedied quickly by pressing the “minus” button until it goes back to a speed I’m comfortable with, but it might be worth considering if you’re very sensitive and would be horrified by sudden earthshattering vibrations on your clit.

But overall? Fuck, man, I love my Smart Wand. It’s absolutely gorgeous, it’s stronger than almost any other vibe in my collection, it can be used anywhere I want (including the bath), and it serves up some hella intense orgasms. Hallelujah, Lelo!

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada! You’re the best!

Happy Masturbation Month!

Kate Sloan

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Lovelies, I am so proud to have a platform from which to shout this message from the proverbial internet rooftops: MASTURBATION IS AWESOME AND HEALTHY!

Next week I’m giving a talk to a group of volunteers at a telephone hotline that aims to support youth in a sex-positive, queer-positive way. The talk is about – you guessed it – sex toys.

One of the key takeaways I’m hoping to impart on these volunteers is what I mentioned above: the usefulness and loveliness of masturbation as a regular practice. It’s the reason I got into “sex toy advocacy” in the first place, and it’s the reason I continue to be so passionate about sex toys: people should feel empowered to masturbate as they please.

If you want some fun challenges for Masturbation Month, check out my article from last May for a few ideas. And if you want to buy yourself a treat for the occasion, may I recommend the Eroscillator for the zillionth time? (Still my favorite sex toy ever, a year after getting it!)

I hope you’re having a rad Masturbation Month and that you continue to have tons o’ fun orgasms throughout May. Tell me how you’re celebrating this month! (And with which toys!)