Author: Kate Sloan

Let’s Talk About Terminology: Women

Kate Sloan

I’ll keep this post short and sweet, because I think it’s pretty self-explanatory.

Female adult humans are called women.

Do not call us “girls.” Do not infantilize us. Do not make the mistake of believing someone is “overreacting” if they take issue with being called a child.

Especially do not call us “girls” if you choose to use the word “men” in the same sentence. Do not juxtapose those two things if you do not mean them literally. Talking about female adults? “Women” is the word you are looking for.

Sometimes I like to be snarky in my enforcement of this language rule, so I trawl sex forums looking for threads with titles like, “Do girls like giving blowjobs?” and “How do girls feel about pubic hair?” and I reply (momentarily setting aside the fact that those posts try to generalize all women), “I certainly hope you’re not having sex with girls.” Or, sometimes, “I don’t know about girls, but I know some women who like giving blowjobs.”

As with any challenge to the status quo of misogynist language, there is always pushback. People scream, “You know what I meant!” And yes, I do know what was meant. I also know what was achieved: infantilization of women and the continuation of a verbal system that supports it.

Check your language. Make sure it’s not laced with oppression and archaic assumptions, ‘cause that shit’s gross.

And for those of you who pointed out that the word “girl” is in my blog name… Yep, you got me! It’s being used in a different context there, and there is a difference between “girly” and “girlish,” but yeah, this shitty language convention is extremely widespread, sometimes to the point that even feminists might not notice it!

Happy Clitoral Awareness Week!

Kate Sloan

Yes, folks – today marks the start of International Clitoris Awareness Week. It’s time to appreciate the clits in your life! Here are some suggestions for activities this week…

Masturbate clitorally. For some vagina-havers, this is like remedial masturbation, because they’ve moved on to incorporating penetration and other things into their sessions. When was the last time you had a purely clitoral orgasm? Why not revisit them and see how they feel different to you now?

For bonus points, stimulate your clit in a way you haven’t in a long time. For me, that means getting into my bathtub, putting my legs up against the wall, and letting the stream of water fall on my clit. It’s an oldie but a goodie!

Educate someone about the clit. Be a clitoral evangelist! Internet forums are a great place to do this, especially male-dominated sex-focused ones, because so many men (and even women) don’t know how central the clit is to female sexuality. That’s the reason sex forums get zillions of submissions from people who can’t understand why vaginal orgasms aren’t magically happening when they have intercourse. Set someone straight!

If your partner is the one who needs education about your clit, this would be a great week to do it. Explain your clit to your partner if you haven’t been brave enough to do so before.

Look at a diagram of the whole clitoris (see above). Check out the crura (legs) and bulbs. Isn’t it amazing that most people think the clit is just this little nub on the outside of the body? Isn’t it amazing that it’s so much more than that?

If you really want to get creative, try to stimulate your internal clitoris. Some people find rumbly penetrative vibrators work best for this; some think the G-spot is actually part of the internal clit so regular G-spot wands can do the trick. You could also try just using your fingers, or even massaging around your vulva to see if you can access it externally with a good amount of pressure.

Name your clitoris. This feels pretty silly but it can be fun. My ex-girlfriend and I gave names to my clit and her tongue, almost like code words, and it made us feel like cunnilingus spies!

Look at your pussy in a mirror. Preferably one of those magnifying mirrors, with a really good lamp aimed at your junk treasure. Pull back your clit hood and get a good look at what’s underneath. It’s beautiful and it is full of so much astonishing pleasure potential!

Try a clit-focused meditative exercise. When I was a kid, my mom had a book about sexual fantasies that I used to steal and pore over, and it recommended an exercise where you imagine warm honey (or some other viscous substance) slowly filling up your breasts and the various components of your pussy. Sounds weird, but try it with your eyes closed and with utmost focus – it’s great for helping you stay mentally present, whether or not you choose to actually progress to sexual stimulation afterward.

Stimulate your clit in a way that’s new to you. Hot tub jet? Teddy bear’s arm? Heel of your foot, if you’re flexible? Grinding on something firm? Be playful and experiment!

How do you plan on celebrating Clitoris Awareness Week?

Review: Topco Rascal El Diablo

Kate Sloan

I don’t think I really realized how big the El Diablo was when I ordered it. This is a monster of a dildo, at least compared to the ones I usually use. It has 7 ½" of length and is 1 ¾" in diameter at its widest point – and by “widest point” I pretty much mean “the entire shaft.” On top of all that, it’s made of very firm silicone that has practically no give. When I received it, all I could do was stare at it in terror.

However, after psyching myself up to get it inside me, it turned out to be not that difficult. I warmed up with some hot porn and a great vibe, and then I started prepping my vag with the Vixen Leo, which is girthy but still comfortable for me. And then I lubed up the Diablo and it actually slid in with minimal effort and minimal pain. I was so impressed with my vaginal prowess!

I guess, though, that I thought a dildo of such a formidable size should actually feel good once inside – and this one doesn’t, at least, not for me. Its curve is subtle and its head isn’t pronounced enough, so my G-spot kind of cries out, “Hey, is there a dildo in here or what?”

On the plus side, it’s loooong – so long that I would never be able to fit its entire length inside me in a million years – so it can hit my A-spot. But even then, it’s not spectacular.

The shaft of the dildo is partially matte and partially glossy, with a cool wavy line separating the two parts. It’s quite a classy-looking dildo, except for the big seam running up the underside. I’m not especially sensitive to seams but this might be a dealbreaker for some.

I really like the base, which is rounded on one side and flat on the other. I find it easier to grip and thrust with than other bases. However, it might make strap-on play tricky if you like to go very fast and very hard.

Surprisingly for Topco, this toy is made of real silicone and it seems to be good quality. I would have no reservations about recommending the Rascal El Diablo to someone who wants a huge silicone strappable cock and doesn’t mind seams, but for me, it just wasn’t a hit.

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada!

Let’s Talk About Terminology: Sex, “Sex,” and Sex

Kate Sloan

If I said to you, “I had sex last night,” what would you think I meant?

Intercourse? Oral? Fingering and handjobs? All of the above?

As I am a woman partnered with a man, I think most people would assume I meant intercourse. They might suppose other sex acts were involved, but “intercourse” and “sex” are pretty well equated in the heteronormative world.

It’s frustrating, though, because not only does it shut out queer folks for whom penetrative sex might not be a part of their sexual repertoire, but it also verbally limits those of us who have opposite-sex partners. Are we supposed to believe that the centre and end-goal of sexytimes is always penetration? Because let’s face it: it isn’t!

Like Dan Savage says: “sex” is oral sex’s last name. Same deal with other kinds of sex, like manual sex (fingering and handjobs), anal sex, even intercrural sex. These are all sexual acts and can be just as intimate and fulfilling as penetrative sex – so why separate them out?

In reading my blog, you might have noticed that I do my best to always say “intercourse,” “PIV sex”† or “penetrative sex” when that’s what I mean, rather than using the word “sex” to refer to that particular act. I think it’s more precise and also helps abolish the gross heteronormativity that pops up in so much of our sexual language.

Some people think it’s awkward to use terms like that. If you decide to take up the mission of using specific words for different acts instead of just “sex,” be prepared for people to think you’re weird. There will always be pushback when you challenge established limitations, but be brave and persistent and maybe one day we’ll live in a world where our sexual language is wonderfully inclusive and deliciously accurate!

† “PIV” = “penis-in-vagina.”

Review: Joyful Pleasures Joyful Plant

Kate Sloan

Hey, it’s a glass dildo shaped like an eggplant! What will they think of next?!

When I took the Joyful Plant out of its packaging and saw how small it was, I thought, “I could probably write this review without even trying the toy.” But of course, that’s a dangerous thought for a reviewer to have.

To my surprise, upon testing it out, I discovered it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Despite being only 1" across at its widest point, the gently bulging shape causes the toy to pull at my G-spot on the outstroke, which feels really nice. It’s not the ideal dildo for when I want to get pounded with something sizeable, of course, but it’s a small, discreet G-spotter that’s easy to hide in my purse, which is what I want sometimes.

The handle is awkward. It’s the “stem” of the eggplant, so it’s thin and short and you have to grasp it with two or three fingers. I got used to this pretty quickly, but if you like marathon masturbation sessions and/or you have mobility issues in your hands, cross this one off your list unless you want to end up with claws for hands.

Joyful Pleasures has some other glass toys that look interesting – for example, the 24K Double Pleasure< and the Coiled Pleasure. They even have a dildo shaped like a hot pepper. But for some reason, the eggplant called to me.

Though the Joyful Plant wasn’t as colossal a failure as I thought it would be, I don’t think I can recommend it unless you have a specific and pressing desire to pretend you’re putting vegetables in your orifices. There are way better glass dildos out there, ones that may be less amusing visually but get the job done in a far superior way.