Author: Kate Sloan

Review: I Rub My Duckie travel-size vibrator

Kate Sloan

Let me tell you the story of my very first sex toy.

Almost four and a half years ago, I was dumped by my first girlfriend. Despite the fact that our relationship only lasted five weeks, I was decently devastated.

Luckily, I had a new friend (soon-to-be-lover) who was sex-positive and cool and kind, and didn’t like seeing me sad – so she offered to take me to my first sex shop on the day of New Year’s Eve before we headed to our respective drunken parties. The idea sounded just cheery and fun enough to get me out of my miserable rut for a day. So we went.

Honestly, I have no idea how I managed to peruse the entire shop and still decide that the toy I wanted most was a rubber duckie vibrator. I’m assuming I chose it for reasons of discretion – youngsters shopping for sex toys for the first time will tend to go for something that their parents wouldn’t recognize as an implement of lust – but really, there’s no valid excuse. This toy is a joke.

In fact, the standard rubber duckie vibe must have done so poorly that I can’t even find it in most online toy retailers – I can find weird versions involving bondage, Paris, and even pirates, but not the plain one that I bought. I’m gonna guess this is because, if you have a toy that doesn’t work very well, you have to spice it up to get it to sell.

The I Rub My Duckie vibe has many downfalls, the most obvious of which is its shape. Upon showing it around to some friends at the aforementioned New Year’s Eve party, many of them asked the same question: “So, which part of it do you… use? The beak?” After rigorous testing, I discovered that the beak really isn’t ideal for clit contact at all – it’s hard, pointy, and awkward. Plus, who wants to feel like a duck is performing cunnilingus on you? Not me. (This is also why I never attempted to use the duck for internal stimulation – I just couldn’t stomach the thought of stuffing a duck’s head into my vagina. And it would hurt.) So most of the time, I used the tail of the duck on my clit, since that’s roughly where the motor is located anyway. Not that having a duck’s butt against your nether bits is much better than the oral sex scenario.

The other major problem with this vibrator is its controls. According to the internet, the duck now has three speeds which you can cycle through by pressing a button; this is not the way my duck operated. There was a tiny dial on the bottom, too small for even my eager adolescent fingers to properly manage, which you had to rotate to turn up the power. As someone who likes to slowly increase vibration throughout a session, I was not pleased with this system. I ended up using tweezers to work the dial, because it was just too small and tricky for my non-tweezer-sized digits.

Researching this review has led me to the discovery that, on top of its other issues, the I Rub My Duckie is made of latex, which may contain phthalates (potentially carcinogenic toxins). Fantastic. On the plus side, this toy is compatible with both water- and silicone-based lubes.

I can’t be entirely cruel to this duckie. There are a few good things about it. It’s powerful enough to get me off, and it did, on a multitude of occasions (though that may have been because, back then, it was my only vibrating option, whereas now, I have, you know, Lelos). It’s waterproof, which is fun because you could just keep it in your bath all the time and pretend it was a real rubber duck if you wanted. It’s a good size for travel (about 3″x3″), if you can evade questions from airport security about why you’ve got a rubber duck in your carry-on, you naughty thing. And it’s not too loud, so no one’s going to overhear your bath and think you’re having a little too much fun.

You may have noticed that much of this review is written in the past tense. That’s because, a few weeks ago, while doing a massive bedroom cleaning, I decided to get rid of my formerly beloved duckie. That should give you an indication of just how bad this toy is – I am the type of person who keeps things for purely sentimental reasons, and I couldn’t bring myself to keep my first sex toy. Not even just to look into its cute little eyes or hang out with it in the bath.

9 Inches? Who Gives a Fuck?

Kate Sloan

I’m tired of the penis size debate.

Yeah, I said it. I’m tired of those 8-inchers who think they’re great lovers just because of their measurements. I’m tired of guys with borderline micropenises constantly fretting. I’m tired of average-cocked guys desperately wondering if they’ll be able to “satisfy” their ladies. Just drop it, okay?!

Aside from much-quoted facts, like the fact that the average penis is somewhere around 5.25 inches, and trite-but-true sayings that refer to the “motion of the ocean,” it seems there isn’t much that can be said to comfort this issue. Which is why I hereby present to you my list of things that are significantly more important than penis size. Tell your anxious friends and enjoy!

1. Enthusiasm. You could be a virgin with no experience or knowledge to speak of, but as long as you’re genuinely enthusiastic about sex, you’ll be fine. Enthusiastic people learn faster and more thoroughly – and more importantly, having sex with them is fun.

2. Open-mindedness. How would you feel if your girlfriend wanted you to use a dildo on her during oral sex? What if your boyfriend wanted you to tie him up and call him a slut? What would you say if your lover relished a good hard spanking while dressed up like a nurse? Being open to sexual possibilities is one of the best qualities you can have if you want to lead an exciting life.

3. Communication skills. If you can’t tell your lover what you like, you’re never going to get it. Likewise, if you can’t really listen to and absorb what your lover requests, you’re never going to fully satisfy them. Get good at talking and listening, and at doing so without shame or apprehension, and you will have exponentially better sex than most people are having.

4. Attentiveness. Are you attuned enough that you can detect the difference between your lover’s pleasure noises and their pain noises? Of course, much of the burden rests on them to let you know when something has gone awry, but you still have to be aware of what’s going on. Attentiveness also means you’re aware of when something is working for your partner, and you file away that piece of information for later use. Does she like circles on her clit hood? Remember that, and make use of it. She’ll thank you profusely.

5. The “motion of the ocean.” Yes, this is a major cliché, but it is important. Some women like rough jackhammering right on their G-spot, some prefer gentle thrusts that shallowly stroke the vaginal opening, and there are all sorts of combinations in between. Sex isn’t just about the in-and-out; mix it up, try things out, be creative with your cock!

6. Generosity. I contemplated making “tongue and finger skills” a point on this list, but really, oral and manual prowess will come naturally over time if you are a sexually generous person. It’s more important that you want it – you’ll develop your skills along the way, but your desire to be generous is the hottest thing of all.

7. A sense of humor. Sex is fun and often kind of funny. Sleeping with someone who understands this is a total delight. Don’t make it into some serious affair; it shouldn’t be arduous work.

8. Confidence. If you really do feel insecure about the size of your peen, don’t let it show. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” as they say. Insecurity is never sexy – and you have no reason to be insecure, anyway, as long as you take into consideration what I’ve written in this post. No one’s going to get mad if you’re not a sex god right away, so quit freaking out and just rock it.

Tittyfucking for Small-Breasted Ladies: A Primer

Kate Sloan

I have small tits. No pity, please – I’m okay with it. I used to resent the way they failed to match up with my wide hips, rendering my figure imbalanced and pear-shaped – but I’ve grown to love my itty bitties.

There are, however, a few drawbacks to having smaller bazungas. You get fewer honks in the street (arguably not such a huge loss). You can never dress up as Joan Holloway for Hallowe’en. And, perhaps most importantly, you can’t be properly tittyfucked.

Or can you?

Having just wrapped up a tittyfucking session with my man, it struck me that I should write out a few tips for any minuscule-busted women who still want some penis-to-chest action.

1. Warm him up first. As any even remotely sexually experimental person knows, more arousal = more sensitivity. Try getting him riled up without touching his penis at all – make out with him, kiss his neck, play with his nipples, nibble his thighs… Whatever gets your man going, do it until he’s writhing and moaning for more.

2. Use lube. I would still use lube for this activity even if I had huge tits, because, well, chests don’t self-lubricate. As a general rule, lube improves any sexual activity – so if you have trouble with a particular act, throw some lube into the mix and see if it doesn’t help.

3. Hold your boobs together. Again, I’m sure this is something big-breasted women have to do as well, but it’s especially important if you’re less well-endowed. Gather ‘em up in your hands and use the heels of your palms to push them together around his cock.

4. Use your hands, too. If you’re using your palms to handle your breasts, as I just recommended, then your fingers are free to settle on top of his dick and do some stimulatin’. For example, my man likes pressure right at the base of his cock, so I can administer that with some of my fingers while using the rest to rub and stroke while he pumps away. It provides a little something extra that he loves.

5. Use your verbal and visual talents. Give him something to look at (a sexy gaze, a genuine smile) and something to listen to (dirty talk, moans, what have you). A very basic, but highly effective piece of pillow talk might be something like, “I can’t wait for you to come all over me.”

6. Have a backup plan. Let’s be real here: in our world of circumcised cocks and death grip syndrome, not every guy is going to be sensitive enough to reach orgasm from fucking a pair of teensy tits. It’s no biggie (pun intended!) – just make sure you know what to do next if your plan isn’t working out. You could jerk him off into your mouth, suck him off, or even push him back on the bed and climb on top for some cowgirl action. Whatever it is, don’t feel bad – just because something doesn’t induce an orgasm doesn’t mean it didn’t feel amazing.

You know you’re a sex nerd when…

Kate Sloan

…you use the words “cunnilingus” and “fellatio” all the time in regular conversation.

…you’re taken aback by any woman who’s upset she can’t climax from intercourse alone, and throw statistics at her.

…you spend a disproportionate amount of time idly surfing Lelo, Njoy, Liberator, and Jimmyjane’s websites.

…you go to a sex shop with a friend and spend the entire time doing mini-reviews of every toy you see, regardless of whether or not you yourself have used it.

…your friends know to ask you if they have a sexual problem or need a toy recommendation.

…you own both The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio and The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus, have read both thoroughly, and lend them out as needed.

…you quote Violet Blue, Kidder Kaper, Dan Savage, and Tristan Taormino in everyday life.

…you periodically make a huge event out of putting your sex toys in boiling water to sterilize them.

…you react in utter horror to jelly toys.

…you explain to your partner, during sex, the benefits and drawbacks of the position you’re in, and suggest possible alternatives and alterations.

…you have a favorite kind of condom, and you order it in bulk online.

…you’ve repurposed your Lelo boxes into storage for lube and butt plugs.

…the slightest hesitance on your partner’s part causes you to ask them a series of questions to make sure you’re respecting their boundaries.

…you’ve done MojoUpgrade at least 5 times.

…you’ve taken one of your parents to a sex shop before, at their request.

…you know the layout of your local sex boutique so well that you’re thrown off when they change it at all.

…you know the nutritional information and caloric content of semen, menstrual blood, female ejaculatory fluid, and various kinds of flavored lube.

…you own several thick, dark, large towels.

…your first response to any plea for sexual advice is “Ask your partner what they think!”

…you know the efficacy rates of all the birth control methods off the top of your head.

…your masturbation sessions are more like lab experiments.

Review: Blossom Organics natural moisturizing lubricant

Kate Sloan

A few months ago, The Boyfriend and I stopped by our local sex shop in search of a good lube. The criteria: it must be water-based (so as to be compatible with condoms and my silicone toys), vagina-friendly (no sugars or glycerin), and have an agreeable taste, smell, and texture.

They have quite an array of lubes there, including the widely acclaimed Hathor and Sliquid, but as soon as we tried Blossom Organics, we knew we had to have it, for one key reason: it actually feels like natural vaginal lubrication. It feels like how my pussy feels when I’ve had a couple of consecutive orgasms and I’m soaking through the bedsheets. We bought it on the spot.

There’s a lot to love about this lube. First off, it’s designed by women for women, so it’s everything your vagina could possibly want – pH-balanced, irritant-free, organic, and condom- and silicone-compatible. Its main ingredient is aloe extract, meaning it’s very slippery and very soothing. To give you an idea: I used this to ease myself back into comfortable intercourse after an agonizing case of BV. Yeah, this stuff feels nice on a vagina the same way aloe gel feels nice on sunburned skin.

The slip is divine, and takes about 5 minutes to wear off if you’re not re-lubricating, making this an okay choice for dry activities like handjobs as long as you spit in your hand every few minutes (though silicone-based is probably a better choice for those purposes). Blossom’s lube smells like aloe (very mild and natural, not unpleasant at all) and has a slightly sweet taste, making it ideal if you plan on partaking in oral pleasures after using it. No objectionable chemical flavors here!

The flip-top, squeeze-bottle design is such that more lube comes out than expected, which can be tricky, but ultimately I’m still a staunch defender of the idea that too much lube is far preferable to too little.

Blossom Organics is pretty awesome – they also make a clitoral arousal gel which I may very well try next, and a moisturizing cream made specifically to ease breast exams. They seem like a real stand-up company with good values; I feel great about giving them my business.