Pigtails and the Patriarchy: Where Sex Meets Style

What does it mean to “get dressed up for sex”?

This question hits me right at the intersection of my sex-nerdiness and my femme proclivities. It fascinates me. Because, as with so many things sex-related, the answer is different for everyone. What makes me feel slinky and seductive might make you feel clunky and ugly, and vice versa. You have to wear what makes you feel sexy – and that information can’t be found in any fashion magazine or advice column. It has to come from within yourself.

Sex and presentation are inextricably linked for many people – sometimes in insidious and not-altogether-healthy ways. Where is the line between celebrities being photoshopped to look like realistic sex dolls in magazines because the patriarchy demands it, and a kinkster consensually pursuing that look as part of a “bimbofication” fantasy? Where is the line between shaving your legs because you feel shamed into it, and doing it because having smooth legs turns you on? Where is the line between hobbling around in high heels because it’s “the proper thing to do,” and slipping into those pumps because the way they change your posture makes you feel like a subby minx?

As with most things kinky, the line between right and wrong here is simply consent, agency, and desire. If you’ve got those things, you’re good. Fly free and do you.

Of course, there are those who are quick to point out that our own tastes and desires are influenced by society, and that this makes our choices less “free,” in a sense. True, smooth-shaved armpits and impeccable eyeliner probably wouldn’t make me feel drop-dead gorgeous if not for patriarchal society and its many enforcers. But the patriarchy is so draining, such a source of despair for so many, that I say we might as well take our little joys from it where we can. There is a silver lining to almost everything, no matter how small, and it sucks that the cloud exists, but I’m gonna cling to that silver lining, dammit.

It used to vex me that I craved knowing partners’ aesthetic preferences. Were they more into butts or boobs? Did they like faceplanting in a smooth vulva or a full bush? Did they prefer me in strappy sandals or stompy boots? It bothered me that I cared so much, until I realized it was a kink thing for me. I’ve learned through trial and error that what I really need is a partner who doesn’t require me to adhere to their standards – because of course, “requiring” that type of thing from anyone is, at best, shitty, and at worst, abuse – but who will nonetheless tell me their preferences when asked. I like surprising partners by showing up looking the way they like me best, especially if I’m submissive to them in our dynamic. It’s a form of service, and I feel super smart and accomplished when I get it right.

It’s worth noting, too, that this is often a two-way street in balanced relationships. It delights me when partners take note of which presentation choices make me swoon – rolled-up sleeves, subtle cologne, shirts that bring out the color of their eyes – and show up to our dates having optimized their ensemble to woo me. My current boyfriend knows oral sex feels better for me when his face is smooth, and I’ll never forget the delicious anticipation I felt lounging in a hotel bed once while he shaved his face in the bathroom. I knew good things were coming.

Clothing, makeup, hairstyling, and perfume can all help me access certain headspaces that are useful for kink. Pigtails, pink lipstick, short skirts, and thigh-high socks are often my go-to when I want to feel submissive; they bring out my inner slutty schoolgirl. When I want to feel more dominant, I’ll often wear leather boots and a decisive, dark-colored outfit that lends me some strength. These cues remind my body and mind of what I’m about to do, and help me feel sexier while I’m doing it.

In a world which tells us all – especially women and femmes – that we have to look a certain way in order to be desirable and thus valuable, it’s refreshing to make aesthetic choices consciously, rather than feeling forced into them. Whether I’m rebelling against patriarchal expectations or deliberately playing into them, I feel strong and sexy knowing the choice was mine.

And then there are times when I abandon aesthetic trappings altogether, good sex having rendered me a sweaty, naked, makeupless heap. Those times are lovely, too.

Bonus: if you’re interested in figuring out which aesthetics make you feel sexiest, here are some questions you can ponder and/or journal about!

  1. Which celebrities, fictional characters, and people from your real life have an aesthetic you admire? What do you like about it?
  2. What types of clothing, makeup, hair, etc. show up a lot in your favorite erotic media (porn, erotica, fanfiction, whatever you’re into)? Do you find those choices sexy? Why or why not?
  3. What do you wear and what do you look like in your sexual fantasies? Would you want to dress/look that way in real life?
  4. What aesthetic elements are commonly associated with your sexuality and/or kinks (e.g. leather, pigtails, tight pants, high heels)? Do you identify with those elements, or not? Why?
  5. What clothing and other aesthetic elements make you feel really sexy when you’re by yourself? Why?
  6. What clothing and other aesthetic elements make you feel really sexy when you’re with a partner? Why?
  7. What kinds of things do you typically wear when you go on an exciting date? Why?
  8. In the past, have partners asked or told you to wear certain things or style yourself in certain ways for them? How did you feel about that?
  9. Which parts of your aesthetic are you okay with your partners having some influence over, and which do you want to be your decision alone? (It’s completely okay if you want to make all your own aesthetic decisions, even if you’re submissive!)
  10. If you could encapsulate your ideal “sex aesthetic” in 5 words, what would those words be? (I think mine would be: feminine, playful, retro, glamorous, and comfortable!)

 

Thank you to OVDolls for sponsoring this post! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Behind the Seams: Babes & Dates

May 11th, 2018. The “little boy at summer camp” vibez are so real. I wore this out to my fave local diner (which has since CLOSED, boooo) to finish up some dayjob work over bacon and eggs, and then hopped on the subway and went to the mall. Ended up buying a bunch of dresses and other assorted cuteness at H&M (including some items you’ll see elsewhere in this post!). It was a good day.

This shirt says “Babes Do It Better” and I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, but I like it anyway. Do you ever acquire a new piece of clothing that you think you’ll only wear occasionally but then you start wearing it all the time? This shirt achieved that status for me last summer… Sometimes a garment just feels right, for whatever reason.

What I’m wearing:
• “Babes Do It Better” T-shirt – Forever 21
• Danier leather jacket – hand-me-down from a cousin, adorned with pins from Kinktionary, L’Amour-Propre, and Hippo Campus
• Black rhinestoned shorts – H&M many years ago
Giant Red Robot kneesocks – bought from R. Stevens at the Toronto Arts & Comics Festival in 2011 (I had been reading his webcomic for many years at that point and fangirled pretty hard about meeting him)
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Coach turquoise leather turnlock tote – bought on sale for half-price last year and carried damn near everywhere since


May 12th, 2018. This was a weird/cute day in my long-distance relationship. In the morning I went to a local café to work on some articles for a copywriting client, and then I went to 7 West for lunch because I was craving their pesto pollo pasta. My boyfriend chatted with me over the phone throughout my meal – a frequent and favorite type of phone date we do – and then we just kept talking for my entire walk back to my apartment. Once I got home, we talked for several more hours, including some excellent phone sex and lots of giggles. All told, our phone date that day lasted 9 hours, because we’re weirdos in love. I adore finding ways to prioritize intimacy even when we’re so far apart.

I felt really cute in this outfit. It’s a bit “schoolgirl meets mime,” n’est-ce pas?

What I’m wearing:
• Revlon Ultra HD matte lip color in “Obsession” (definitely a current fave)
• Black and white striped tank top (new) – H&M
• Blue suede collar – L’Amour-Propre
• Black and white polka-dotted skirt – ASOS
• Black and white striped thigh-high socks (originally bought to be part of a schoolgirl costume for Halloween) – Amazon, I think?
• Black leather Frye harness boots


May 13th, 2018. I had a hard time getting out of bed on this day, so my Sir gave me some specific instructions and time constraints re: getting showered and dressed, and that helped motivate me a lot. It was Mother’s Day and I was headed to see my mom and give her a gift, so I opted to dress in a feminine, springy way I thought she would appreciate (and she did!).

This outfit also felt very DD/lg to me – pigtails, pink lipstick, sparkly jewelry, and short A-line dresses will do that – so I reflected a fair bit on what it means for me to “feel little” and how that manifests in my body and brain. (I want to write about this eventually!) I noticed myself feeling much cuter and more embodied than usual, and I think it was because my exterior matched how I usually feel – or want to feel – on the inside: feminine, optimistic, youthful, spunky, cute. Clothes are about so much more than just the visual!

What I’m wearing:
• Hair in high pigtails (I hope I never feel “too old” to wear pigtails; they’re cute at any age, as far as I’m concerned)
• Big blue and black sunglasses – bought on a whim at the hotel gift shop at last year’s Woodhull
• Revlon Ultra HD matte lip color in “Obsession” again
• Floral dress (new) – H&M (I have this exact dress in 12+ different colorways and will keep buying them as long as H&M keeps making new ones, because they’re super flattering and comfortable and FIFTEEN DOLLARS EACH)
• Pink sparkly Tarina Tarantino heart necklace – vintage on eBay
• Black leather Frye harness boots

While we’re talkin’ fashion… What’s your favorite piece of clothing right now? Also: got any great spring lipsticks to recommend?

Behind the Seams: Fun, Flirty, & Flu-y

May 4th, 2018. After a long battle with a bad flu, I was soooo ready to feel pretty again. So I asked my Sir to choose my outfit for a jaunt to the Hart House Theatre to see The Artist & The Pervert, a new documentary about kink educator Mollena Williams and her husband/Master, world-famous composer Georg Friedrich Haas. I wanted to feel kinky and sophisticated, and this outfit totally fit the bill.

I have a long and storied history with this dress. It’s the American Apparel figure skater dress, which I already own in a few different colorways. Years ago, before American Apparel closed, I tried on this dress but ultimately opted not to buy it, because the price tag was a little steep for the broke-ass university student I was at that time. But then I lived in regret, particularly once AA went bankrupt, and tried to buy one on eBay. The seller ghosted me, however, and I had to file for a refund through Paypal. Finally, years later, I found the dress in my size in another eBay shop, and now it is mine. Hallelujah.

What I’m wearing:
• Hair in braids, because Sir said so
• Maybelline Matte Ink liquid lipstick in “Pioneer”
• Black American Apparel figure skater dress – secondhand on eBay
• Silver L’Amour-Propre heart lock engraved with “Daddy’s,” worn on a repurposed chain (Sir has me wear this sometimes as basically a fancier alternative to my collar)
• Black tights
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• (Not pictured) Black leather jacket (this day brought one of the blusteriest windstorms Toronto has seen in a long time!)


May 6th, 2018. Still feverish and flu-y, I nonetheless trekked out into the world to attend my aunt’s birthday party uptown. It was a small, cozy get-together with crackers and cheese and fondue and Sondheim nerdery and good storytelling.

At one point, an older family member asked me if I was wearing Toronto Maple Leafs socks, and I narrowly avoided explaining that no, actually they were from a BDSM-themed coffee shop in Minneapolis. (This side of the family is relatively kink-friendly – there are even openly queer and kinky people among their ranks – but it was still a family event! I still, for example, opted not to wear my collar, even though it would have matched.)

P.S. This skirt is pretty close to perfect, and I’m sure I’ll be wearing it a lot this spring and summer. The fabric is soft and flowy, the cut is flattering and simple, and it even has POCKETS! Shout-out to the rare piece of women’s clothing that is both cute and functional.

What I’m wearing:
• Hair in little pigtail-buns
• Royal blue T-shirt – American Apparel
• Black high-waisted A-line skirt – ASOS
• Blue and white striped knee-high athletic socks – Leather & Latte in Minneapolis (my favorite memory from this place is that someone walked in and asked the barista at the counter, “Is the Mistress in?” – unfortunately she wasn’t, but wow, what a question)
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Coach Mercer satchel in “Cloud”


May 8th, 2018. I often wear this Dildorks shirt on days when I have to edit a podcast episode. It’s super uncool, like wearing a band T-shirt to see that band play – or, indeed, like emblazoning your chest with an illustration of your own face – but whatever, it makes me happy. And I don’t think most people even realize it’s me when they see it.

I wore this out to a favorite local coffee shop to edit the podcast, work on some blog posts, and do some thoughtful navel-gazing in my journal. What else is new, right?

What I’m wearing:
• Dildorks logo baseball-style shirt – Zazzle (art by Amy, who is the best)
• Black and white polka-dotted skater skirt – ASOS
• Striped socks – the Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Revlon Ultra HD matte lip color in “Obsession” (such a pretty, springy pink!)

What recent outfits of yours have made your heart sing?

Behind the Seams: Slutty Seductress + Glamorous Grampa

March 24th, 2018. I wore this to a party my friend Suz threw to celebrate the overhaul and relaunch of her blog. The event description said, “Kinky, queer, fetish wear, glitter, and extra outfits are highly encouraged!” so I decided to get real slutty.

I bought this dress at Forever 21 in early 2016 and couldn’t believe such a mainstream store was selling such an overtly fetishistic item. However, then Bex pointed out that I may have been wearing it backwards… and, as it turned out, they were right. The corsetry is supposed to go up the back, instead of being essentially a cleavage window. But fuck that: I do what I want!

The party was a good time: we danced to ’90s pop, drank cocktails, talked about sex research, watched porn being projected on a giant screen, ate cupcakes with penises and vulvas on them, and debated the merits of various sex toys. Suz really knows how to throw a shindig!

What I’m wearing:
• Hair in braided high pigtails (the Baby Spice vibez are TOO good; I need to do this more often)
• Tight black lace-up dress – Forever 21
• Skin-tone pantyhose – probably Shoppers Drugmart (bought to wear to a wedding last year)
• Black leather Frye engineer boots
• Silver “Daddy’s” heart-shaped padlock – a gift from my love, custom-made by L’Amour-Propre, worn on a chain from a silver key necklace I got on Canal Street in 2006


April 15th, 2018. When I put this on, I looked at myself in the mirror and decided I looked like a glamorous grampa. It’s quite an aesthetic!

This is, IMO, the ideal outfit for schlepping through a foot of snow to a local café on a lazy Sunday afternoon, sipping a latte, and reading a trippy award-winning novel for a few hours, which is exactly what I did. I also journaled about the top-10 most memorable sexual experiences of my life thus far, because what else would a sex writer do on her day off?

What I’m wearing:
• Maybelline SuperStay Matte Ink liquid lipstick in “Pioneer” (it stayed on admirably and didn’t even mark the mug I drank from – impressive!)
White J. Crew men’s T-shirt – a gift from my boyfriend; he wore it under an impeccable navy suit on our second date and, the next morning, told me I could keep it, a gesture I predictably reacted to by clutching it against my nose and bursting into tears
• Berry-pink merino wool V-neck cardigan – the Gap
• Black leggings – the Gap
• Black leather Frye engineer boots
• Coach Mercer satchel in a color called “Cloud” – one of the few fancy treats I bought when I briefly had a sugar daddy last year
• Montale “Aoud Lime” perfume (obsessed – it’s like a little kick of springtime, which, on this absurdly wintry mid-April day, felt necessary)


April 24th, 2018. I wore this to perform in the Bed Post variety show at the Super Wonder Gallery. I’ve been on the bill at Bed Post a couple times before and it’s always a hoot: the host, Erin Pim, is a whip-smart driven fox, and she always picks such funny, talented, magnetic people for her show’s lineup. It was an honor to be invited back!

I played 3 sexy and/or kinky songs of mine: “Compliance,” “Casual,” and “A Nerd Like You.” Then I settled in with a whiskey on the rocks to watch the other acts, including adorable comedian Emily Bilton and burlesque bombshell Zyra Lee Vanity. Such a fun evening!

What I’m wearing:
• A navy blue smoky eye and red lipstick
• Hair in braided pigtails because Sir said so
• Blue L’Amour-Propre collar, also because Sir said so
• “It’s Magic” T-shirt – Pen and Kink
• Navy high-waisted skirt – Old Navy
• Navy tights – Hue
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• (Not pictured) Leather jacket for that rock-star edge

A Bespoke Signature Scent From My Love

Photo via Stephen Dirkes

I often joke-without-joking that, at 26, I’m not an adult yet and I don’t know when I will be. True, I’ve reached certain milestones I associate with adulthood – living away from home, having a stable job, making to-do lists with boring things on them like “submit tax forms” and “take out the recycling” – but, in many ways, I still think of myself as a child. For all the Adult Benchmarks I’ve crossed off my list, there are many more I have not – like owning a set of glassware, getting a driver’s license, and, until recently, having a signature scent.

That last one happened quite recently, in fact. You see, for my birthday, my boyfriend commissioned perfumer Stephen Dirkes of Euphorium Brooklyn to make me my own custom fragrance. (Cue swoony girlish screaming.)

My love was mysterious about it throughout the entire process. “I met with a guy named Stephen today about your birthday gift,” he told me a few weeks before I was to turn 26. “He says the timeline is tight, but he thinks we can make it work.”

The following week, he updated me: “Today I did a bunch of research and sent Stephen a lot of what I learned. Hopefully it’ll be useful.” I was mystified. What did he have up his sleeve?!

Finally, a few days before my birthday, my beau arrived in Toronto for a weekend visit. Not long after getting to my apartment and setting down his bags, he told me, “I wanna give you your present now, because I can’t wait any longer.”

At his behest, I put on a blindfold while he rooted through his suitcase for the present, so I wouldn’t see anything until he wanted me to. Then he had me hold my upturned wrists out in front of me, and I felt him spray them with a cold liquid. An unfamiliar scent hit my nostrils, floral and dark and complicated. And then my love took off my blindfold and handed me a bottle of Aimanté.

I practically started hyperventilating as he explained how he had turned an idea into a perfume. He knew someone who had commissioned Stephen Dirkes to make a custom scent, and, knowing about my fragrance proclivities, thought I might like one of my own. (Um, very yes.) So he set up a meeting with Stephen and started collecting information about my scent preferences however he could: searching through old tweets and blog posts, looking up my favorite perfumes to determine which notes they had in common, and pondering how to distill his love for me into a scent.

Scents have been a recurring motif in our relationship, as I’m sure they are in many. Shortly after our first date, I told him the smell of him was still flitting through my memory, and he texted me a link to the cologne he’d been wearing. Since then, he’s decided which perfume I should wear when we’re out together, left me shirts of his to inhale deeply in his absence, sent me flowers to excite my senses during depressed spells, and even kept the occasional pair of my panties to sniff when he misses me. Giving me a unique perfume seemed like a natural evolution of the olfactory flirtation we’d already been engaged in for quite some time.

“The juice” went through a few iterations; my partner brought some rough drafts on sampling cards for me to sniff. The final fragrance is aggressively feminine and sexy, yet quirky – like me. It’s a blend of blood orange, red geranium, balsam, amber, cocoa, patchouli, and vetiver, which reads to me like a peculiar mishmash of notes but which flows together undeniably well when you actually sniff it.

The name, Aimanté, is a French word meaning either “loving” or “magnetic,” depending on context. It’s a nod to how the two of us have often described our attraction as inevitable, ineffable, magnetic. On our second date, yearning to kiss him but not yet allowed, I told him, “I feel like a magnet,” and he said, “I do too.”

The scent itself intrigued me from the first, and has grown on me with every wear. When my darling debuted it on my wrists that day, it struck me as outsized: too loud for li’l old me, bolder and brasher and more beautiful than I have ever felt. But then I thought of something Helena Fitzgerald once wrote in the Dry Down: “Giving someone perfume as a gift is a chance to show them who they are to you,” she theorized, “and receiving perfume as a gift is the opportunity to wear that self as a costume, for brief periods of time to live as the person someone else understands you to be.”

With that in mind, the perfume felt more right to me. It’s like when someone who loves you takes a photo of you and captures a beauty you’ve never been able to see in yourself. I began to feel stirrings of the zaftig confidence evoked by the fragrance, which I know my partner sees in me but which I often can’t see in myself. What an unspeakably powerful gift to give someone.

Like most perfumes, Aimanté goes through an evolution as you wear it. The first few minutes are heady and floral, a burst of ridiculous femininity, like a wealthy woman posing for a portrait in her powder room, clutching a bouquet of geraniums. On me, it fades down gradually, hour by hour, into something sweeter and simpler. The sinful creaminess of the cocoa and vetiver sing at its core, so I can be a brassy broad by day and an elegant femme by night. The truth of me is somewhere between those two extremes – I’m neither totally bold nor totally docile – so I like that my new perfume oscillates between these two types of woman, too.

The idea of having a “signature scent” has long appealed to me, ever since I was rocking Kate by Kate Moss daily in the 10th grade and maybe even before that. But I rarely found a fragrance that resonated enough to make it my go-to. Certain faves have emerged over the years – Varvatos, Tobacco Vanille, Noel au Balcon, and Aoud Lime, to name just a few – but seldom has one endured as the scent I wanted to represent me in others’ minds and memories. None of them felt entirely like “me.” I suppose it took a partner who knows me inside and out to create a scent that really feels, wholly and harmoniously, like the essence of me.

I can’t think of another gift I’ve received that made me feel as seen, as understood, or as loved as this one. And I’m reminded of that deep, fierce love each time I lift my wrist to my nose.