How-To

What to Pack for a Sex Getaway

Kate Sloan

The weather outside is dull and grey, and it has me thinking about potential trips to far-flung locales – for lounging on the beach and sipping daiquiris over a good book, sure, but also for sexy adventures with beloved beaux. Sex in a hotel bed (or even on an Airbnb pull-out couch) just hits different, y’know?

I can’t tell you exactly what to bring with you on a horny holiday, since you know your own sexual needs best… but here’s a list of things I think most sexually active people would benefit from having in their suitcase on such a jaunt, whether you’re headed to a swingers’ resort in Cancún, a luxury escort agency in Vienna, or even just a hotel in your own hometown. Let me know in the comments if there’s anything crucial I missed!

1-2 lubes

Lube is a must-have for pretty much everyone. No matter what type(s) of sex or masturbation you get into, lube is likely to make it feel a whole lot more pleasurable and comfortable.

On a typical trip, I tend to pack two lubes: a water-based option (ideally Sutil Rich or Sliquid Sassy), which I use with most sex toys and for most types of penetration, and a silicone-based option (ideally Uberlube), which is better suited for things like handjobs and clitoral masturbation. However, if I only had the space for one lube, I’d tend to go water-based, since it’s compatible with all types of sex toys and safer sex supplies. Speaking of which…

Safer sex supplies

I always bring condoms with me on my sexy travels; they’re my go-to contraceptive method, since hormonal birth control fucks with my mental health too bad, and they’re also just good to have around. If I was attending an orgy/gangbang or somesuch, I might bring a few different size options with me, because I’m cum-siderate like that! You might also consider packing dental dams, latex/nitrile gloves, and/or finger cots, depending on your needs/desires.

A small vibrator + a big vibrator

Suitcase space doesn’t always allow for this, but in an ideal world, I would always be able to pack both a Magic Wand Rechargeable and a smaller, more pinpointed vibe like the We-Vibe Tango X. Wands are super versatile; I love using them on partners of various genders/anatomies, as well as on myself, particularly when travel exhaustion has lowered my sensitivity. But it’s also nice to have a more petite vibrator on hand for when I’m craving that sensation instead.

Some vibrators have a travel lock function, which smartly ensures that the vibrations won’t turn on in transit, startling TSA agents and taxicab drivers alike. I try to bring at least one vibe that’s waterproof, because jerking off in a hotel bathtub is the height of luxury, if you ask me! Don’t forget to pack the charger(s) for your vibrator(s) as well, if they’re rechargeable, since a dead vibe sucks just as much in a beautiful destination as it does in your bed at home.

Something penetrative

If you or your partner(s) are into penetration, you’re probably gonna want to bring a dildo, butt plug, insertable vibrator, or some other type of penetrative toy with you. Think about which internal spot(s) you most often like to target, and pack accordingly. I’ll often bring one realistic silicone dildo that hits my A-spot and one firmer dildo that hits my G-spot, just to cover my bases. To be on the safe side, probably leave any glass toys at home (or do as I do and pack them wrapped in multiple layers of socks).

1-2 kinky sensory toys

If you are kinky comme moi, you may want to toss a couple of sensory-play items into your suitcase incase the mood strikes. I’ll often bring a small wooden bat or paddle for impact play, and maybe something like this dragon claw for light sadomasochism. That being said, your hands are great kink toys in and of themselves, capable of slapping, scratching, etc., so you may not need any extra equipment in this category!

A few kinky pervertibles

I bring an eye mask with me every time I travel, to help block out light so I can sleep better – but it also works a treat as a blindfold for kinky sex. Likewise, scarves and neckties can double as bondage gear, and a wooden hairbrush makes a killer impact implement. When suitcase space is at a premium, you might as well make the most of every item you bring!

Gum, mints, etc.

Self-explanatory! Sometimes I’ll also bring cough drops along, just incase. Trying to have an intimate date-y conversation in a bar or restaurant can be tricky when your throat is sore… as can giving head!

Hair elastics & bobby pins

Stray hairs in my mouth during oral sex are the bane of my existence. Fuck off and let me do what I do best!!

Headphones

Useful if you plan on watching porn and don’t want to risk disturbing the people in the next room… but also great if you, like me, sometimes have phone sex while staying in hotels. Headphones allow you to put your phone down, freeing up your hands for… other things.

Aftercare snacks

I usually pick these up at a duty-free shop once I’ve gone through airport security, but you can also get ’em at a hotel gift shop or pretty much anywhere. Chocolate, candy, chips, etc. are all great choices. It’s especially fun to get regional snacks that are only available wherever you’re staying!

 

What else do you think is important to bring on a sexy vacation?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Fuck Someone Like a Sex Doll (for Kinky Purposes)

Kate Sloan
I may not be a literal doll, but you can still keep me in the closet 😉

I adore the euphoric altered states that kink can produce, and one of my favorites in recent years is “doll-space,” the feeling I get when I pretend to be a sex doll. It’s a hot fantasy, being “used” by a partner who is (at least in-universe) wholly focused on their own pleasure. I also find it psychologically relaxing, since there’s no pressure for a doll to do anything or achieve anything, other than getting fucked!

If you’re intrigued by this type of play, here are a few quick tips for tops that I’ve gleaned from my experiences as a bottom…

Negotiate limits, safewords & safe-signals

Sex doll roleplay is essentially a form of consensual non-consent (CNC), in that you are ostensibly “doing whatever you want” to your partner. For many people, tops and bottoms alike, that freedom is what makes this fantasy hot – but to do that type of play safely, you need to pre-negotiate which sex/kink acts are allowed, and which are off-limits. You’ll also want to agree on a safeword that either person can say if they want the scene to end immediately. If you’ll be doing any play where someone may not be able to speak (e.g. using a ballgag, doing breathplay), then you should have a safe-signal as well, i.e. a non-verbal safeword, such as double-tapping on someone’s thigh or shaking your head “no.”

Loudly appreciate their body

Your doll is gorgeous, so act like it! Objectification kink can bring insecurities to the fore, especially since sex dolls and other such objects are often largely appreciated for their looks! Make sure to be vocally appreciative of your partner’s body during and after this type of play, so they know that even if they don’t look like a skinny sex doll or curvy supermodel, you still find ’em hot (and want to fuck ’em silly)!

Manhandle (or womanhandle or enbyhandle…) them

If your partner is cool with it – and if you are physically capable of it – it can really enhance sex doll roleplays to move your partner around the way you’d move a sex doll. Like maybe be a little rougher or brusquer than you’d normally be… or maybe shove them face-first into a pillow before fucking them (provided they can still breathe)… and maybe you growl while you do it… Uhh, yeah, this is definitely one of my kinks, huh 😂

Vocally enjoy your pleasure

A lot of people learn to silence their moans, so it can be tricky to re-learn to express yourself during sex, but I think it’s worth doing, especially for this type of play! More than likely, your partner finds your pleasure super hot, so the more effusive you can be about it during (and after) sex, the more you’ll both enjoy yourselves.

Leave time for aftercare

Aftercare is a must when doing psychologically intense play like this! Do whatever helps you both float back to earth together: you could cuddle, eat snacks, drink water, watch something funny on TV, talk about the scene you just did, listen to gentle music together, or anything else that feels right. Make sure your “sex doll” knows you see them as a whole person again, and not just a fuckable piece of rubber, hot as that idea may be to both of you!

Have you ever done this type of roleplay? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

7 Things I’ve Done That Unexpectedly Improved My Body Image

Kate Sloan

Feeling good about your body is a lifelong journey. Healing from systemic fatphobia, ableism, etc. is like healing from anything else: it’s not linear, and you might have backslides sometimes – but it’s exhilarating to notice an overall upward trend in how you feel about your body, even if it takes years, or decades.

Aside from more obvious things like reading the work of body-positive thinkers, getting rid of my scale, and swearing off commenting on anyone else’s body, there are 7 things I’ve done for my body image that helped more than I ever imagined they would… Here they are, incase they inspire anybody else to foster more body-positivity in themselves!

Got a bunch of tattoos

I have 7 tattoos, and each of them have pretty drastically changed my view of my body for the better. I’ve always admired the aesthetic of tattoos, so getting them has made me look more like the types of people I find hot – and it’s also hard not to love my body now that it’s got beautiful, bespoke works of art all over it! (Some people would disagree, but those people are wrong, and also, who cares what they think?!)

When I was younger, I used to dread the moment clothing would come off during sex with a new person, because I worried they’d judge my body harshly. But ever since getting my tattoos – especially the pink “good girl” bows on the backs of my thighs – I sometimes even look forward to that moment, because people are often delighted to discover the tattoos hidden under my clothes!

Dated people who fetishize the body parts I’m insecure about

They say you gotta love yourself before you can love anybody else, and maybe that’s true – but I know that I largely learned to love my ass by dating butt enthusiasts! I’ve never had huge boobs or any other particularly remarkable bodily features (at least in my view), but apparently my ass is notable enough that more than one devout butt appreciator wanted to date me. So that’s pretty cool. Helps a lot when they bury their face in it like a starving person at a pie-eating contest, too…!

Appreciated the things my body can do

Positive re-frame alert! I might not look like a runway model, but I can still strut down the street in a cool outfit. I may not have a big booty, but I can still dance to Sir Mix-A-Lot. I’m no hyper-athletic porn star or BBW sex doll, but I can still get fucked like a champ. Every human body is a miracle, whether or not it’s considered conventionally hot.

Took improv classes/performed in improv shows

On the note of appreciating what my body can do: it can make up scenes and songs on the spot, apparently, which is pretty fuckin’ impressive no matter what I happen to look like! (The brain is technically part of the body, after all… and without a body, none of my brain’s ideas could be expressed on stage or anywhere else!) It’s also nice to spend time in a community where someone’s dress size doesn’t matter anywhere near as much as their ability to crack jokes and roll with the punches.

Further: when I’m on stage, I barely think about my body. I don’t think about my aches and pains or my butt cellulite; there just isn’t enough spare time or mental energy for that shit. Improv’s fuckin’ meditative, dude. Big recommend!

Got a great body lotion

Simple yet effective: Get yourself a luscious moisturizer with a scent that makes your heart happy (or unscented if you prefer, dear chemically sensitive babes), and apply it liberally when you’re fresh out of the shower. This helps lock in moisture better, and also makes your regular workaday shower feel like a self-care ritual. I’ve been digging the “Vanilla Cashmere” lotion by EOS, which makes me smell like a slutty cupcake (ideal, obviously).

Invested in cuter loungewear

It’s hard to feel stoked about your body when you’re wearing a decade-old faded band T-shirt and baggy threadbare pajama pants. (I mean, for me it certainly would be. I don’t know your life!) Since I’m chronically ill, I spend a lot of my waking hours in PJs or loungewear, so I keep a perpetual eye out for pieces that are both comfy and cute, and wearing them makes a big difference in my day-to-day self-esteem.

Did psychedelics

Now, to be fair, some people find these more anxiety-provoking than soul-healing… but for me, during the half-dozen shrooms trips I’ve done, I’ve basically forgotten my body existed for the duration of the day. And I mean that in the most positive sense. Sometimes I would put on a kids’ movie from my youth, like A Bug’s Life or The Aristocats, and take extensive notes on the life lessons that seemed to leap out at me. I would get so absorbed in this task, and the ensuing self-reflection, that I totally forgot to worry about my body’s imperfections – all I could think about was the beautiful vastness of the universe, and my tiny-but-important role in it. Drugs rule, man.

 

Dear readers, have any of these strategies helped you love your body more? What else has worked well for you? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Vibrator Too Strong? Here’s 10 Things You Can Try…

Kate Sloan
Here’s a Magic Wand-shaped candle (my life is weird) plus some tiny dildos

I get all kinds of interesting reactions from people when they find out I’m a professional sex toy reviewer, from “Yes girl yes, you’re doing the lord’s work!” to “Aren’t you worried you’ll permanently deaden your clit with those things?!” (Uh… no. No I am not.)

Some of these reactions make me smile and some just make me angry – but there’s one that makes me a little sad. I’ve seen it dozens of times: their face will fall when they hear me mention vibrators, and they’ll lean in conspiratorially and confess: “Those have never worked for me. Every time I’ve tried one, it’s felt too strong and overwhelming. Maybe I’m just not the type of person who can use a vibrator.”

Depending on my mood, and on how resolute they seem, sometimes I’ll just shrug and say, “That’s okay! They’re not for everyone!” But there are times when I want to provide some actionable advice, particularly if the person expresses regret for having spent a pretty penny on a vibrator that’s now gathering dust in a drawer somewhere. I want them to get their money’s worth – and I want everyone to have access to as much pleasure as they desire – so I will sometimes convey the following tips for dealing with a seemingly overpowered vibrator…

1. Get very turned on first

If you’re usually an “analog” masturbator, maybe you typically jump straight to your genitals without much warm-up – but that doesn’t always work so well with a vibrator. It can feel jarring, uncomfortable, or even painful to apply a super-strong vibe to unaroused bits. Take the time to turn yourself on with fantasy, porn, erotica, your hand, having a partner talk dirty to you, or whatever else consistently works. If you own another, weaker vibrator, you could even start a session with that before moving on to the “big guns.”

2. …& stay turned on throughout, if possible

Easier said than done for some of us, I know – but I’ve definitely found that vibrators can feel weird if my mind wanders too much from the task at hand while I’m jerking off. I might need to set the vibe down for a few minutes while I get myself turned on again, especially if my brain is feeling particularly anxious or distractible that day due to work stress or other factors.

3. Try it through clothes/layers

These days I rarely apply a wand vibe directly to my junk; typically I keep my underwear on, at minimum, and sometimes my pants too. That’s one of the beautiful things about ultra-strong vibrators: they can still be felt through layers, making them ideal for lazy masturbators or people with energy limitations, mobility issues, etc. that make it tricky to take off one’s clothes. You could also try using your vibrator through a blanket/duvet while you’re in bed, as long as doing so doesn’t make it overheat.

4. Experiment with placement

Strong vibrations can conduct through your flesh/skin/muscle, so you don’t have to apply the toy directly to your most sensitive spot – you can hold it adjacent to that area, to reduce the intensity while still getting some stimulation. For instance, I’ll often start by holding a vibe on my outer labia for a while, before moving it gradually closer and closer to my clit.

5. Try different angles

Depending on your vibrator’s shape, you might find that tilting it slightly can produce a different sensation. For example, I usually use my Magic Wand on an angle, so the corner of the head is pressed against my clit. This conducts the vibration into a smaller shape, so it doesn’t feel quite so overpowered.

6. Take breaks

No one said you have to leave the vibrator on for the whole session! Sometimes I’ll set mine down for a minute or two and just touch myself with my hands for a bit, or even just take a beat to catch my breath here and there. Even a 5- or 10-second break can help your nerve endings “reset” somewhat, so that what follows will feel even better.

7. Get an attachment

If your vibrator is a standard-sized wand, you can get an attachment for it, like the Vixen Gee Whizzard. These help to focus the vibration into a more pinpointed shape, and also soften the vibration somewhat. While many such attachments are designed to stimulate the G-spot or prostate, you don’t have to insert them – they can feel good on a clit or a dick as well.

8. Kinkify the discomfort

The overwhelming feeling of using a strong vibrator isn’t inherently a bad thing – for some people, it’s hot! You might find it easier to endure these types of sensations if a hot pervert has instructed you to do so… or even if you just imagine that’s the case. Sometimes it’s fun to have an orgasm that feels a little scary!

9. Try it underwater, if possible

Provided that your vibrator is waterproof (check its instruction manual), you might find that using it in the bath softens the vibrations somewhat. Sometimes I even like to hold a strong vibrator an inch or two away from my clit, to enjoy how it makes the water vibrate, thereby stimulating me indirectly. Physics are cool!

10. Use it for muscle massage, or on someone else

Even if a vibrator isn’t your genitals’ cup of tea, other parts of your body might enjoy it – maybe your tense neck and shoulders after an arduous work day, for instance, or the soles of your feet after a long walk. You could also use the vibrator on a partner, if they’re into that – or sanitize it and give it away to a friend who’s excited to inherit it. How magnanimous of you!

 

What other strategies have worked for you when a vibrator feels too strong?

5 Ways to Learn More About Your Gender

Kate Sloan
Sometimes my gender feels like a queer femme version of a boy at summer camp 😂 (featuring beautiful mb in the background)

I’m no gender expert, but I sure have thought a lot about my own gender. And I think more people could stand to do that type of deep thinking, whether they ultimately come to the conclusion that they’re cis, trans, or some flavor of gender-agnostic.

Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living,” and while I wouldn’t go that far, I do think an unexamined gender can cause you grief. Stumbling through life within the bounds of a prescribed gender role, without ever seriously interrogating that role’s suitability for you (or lack thereof), can breed resentment, anxiety, anger, insecurity, and depression. I’ve seen it happen – often for people who later discovered themselves to be trans, but also for some cis people who came to reject conventional gender strictures that had been stressing them out or holding them back. Who says a man or woman (or enby, for that matter) has to look and act a certain way? And more to the point, do you want to listen to them?

With that in mind, here are 5 quick suggestions for exploring your gender more deeply, if you haven’t already…

Work your way through My New Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein

An absolute classic in the queer-&-trans canon. I’m sure it’s saved countless lives by this point. It’s a workbook that asks you questions about gender to help you figure yourself out. Kate Bornstein is a nonbinary icon and queer elder, and all of their books are fantastic, but this one holds a special place in my heart because of how practical, thought-provoking, and kindness-forward it is. I’ve gifted it to many, many people over the years, and lots of them have told me that they found it helpful.

Talk to other people about their gender

If you’ve got trans and/or queer friends who are open to it, you could pick their brain about gender: how they feel about their own, what led them to their current gender presentation, whether they see gender as a spectrum or something else, etc. Tread carefully, because this can be a touchy subject for some, with good reason – trans people especially are too often expected to justify and explain their gender, often in dehumanizing ways, so it’s quite reasonable if they don’t want to discuss it with you. But if they are down to chat, you might find their insights illuminating. Ideas on gender vary a lot across time and space, too, so you’d probably get vastly different answers from, say, lesbian poets in Bushwick than from trans escorts in Melbourne or drag performers in Paris.

Try on clothes you don’t normally wear

Clothing is one of the main ways we express our gender in the world, so it makes sense that changing the way you dress can be one of the most impactful – but also scariest – ways to push yourself outside your comfort zone gender-wise. Rampant transphobia might make this tricky or outright unsafe to do in public sometimes, unfortunately (which fuckin’ sucks; everyone should get to safely experience the joy of a fitting-room glow-up moment!!), but at the very least, you can do it in your own home. You could borrow a friend or partner’s clothing (with their permission, hopefully!), hit up your local thrift store, or maybe even just alter some clothes you already own. Try on a new gender expression for size, and notice how it feels!

Keep a gender envy journal

I forget which trans friend of mine introduced me to the concept of ‘gender envy,’ but it’s such a specific feeling that now I always notice it when it comes up! Sometimes I’ll see a person walking down the street, or a character in a piece of media, who activates a sense of longing inside me. It’s a specific longing to look like that person, dress like them, move like them, talk like them, and/or be perceived the ways they are perceived. For instance, Jane Lane from Daria and Spinelli from Recess were some of the first characters I ever felt this way about – and still to this day, I love dressing hard-femme/soft-butch like them, and wearing black leather boots and sharp-shouldered jackets like they do.

Part of self-discovery is simply mindfulness: paying attention to which things consistently light you up and attract you. Start keeping a journal of all the people and characters you feel gender envy toward, and you might notice some useful patterns after a while!

Make a list of adjectives

I don’t know about you, but I find terms like “masculine” and “feminine” to be pretty limiting in their scope when I’m trying to define somebody’s gender, including my own. These concepts are highly dependent on time, place, socioeconomic context, etc., and ultimately they can feel imprecise (or beside the point entirely) for those of us who deviate from the beaten path at all.

So, instead of trying to locate yourself on a binaristic gender spectrum, maybe ask yourself which adjectives describe the gender you find dreamiest to imagine embodying. (It’s okay if this changes over time, or even from day to day!) For example, here are some adjectives that describe my particular queer-cis-femme gender at the moment: brash, funny, charming, dapper, sharp, swaggery, sparkly, slutty, irreverent, and bright. What words come to mind for you?

 

Dear reader, how deeply have you explored your own gender? Have any of these methods been helpful for you?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.