How-To

Interior Dickorator: How to Make Your Home a Sex-Positive Sanctuary

Kate Sloan

They say home is where the heart is. Home is also – for many of us – where you get to be your most authentic self. And if you’re a kinky sex nerd like me, maybe that means your home is a palace of perversion.

When I moved out of my parents’ house and into my own apartment last year, one of the most exciting aspects to me of this new experience was the chance to decorate my new space exactly how I wanted to. And since both my career and my personal life are soaked in sexuality, obviously my new room quickly became the lascivious lair of my dreams.

Are you similarly committed to building a raunchy refuge? Here are some sex-positive decor suggestions you might enjoy…

Risqué prints. Look, what is even the point of having your own private space if you can’t plaster porn everywhere?! I have on my walls, for example, a glossy color print of Quinne Suicide, a Clementine Morrigan illustration of a femme in a strap-on, some postcards featuring art from vintage romance novel covers, and large medical illustrations of the vulva and internal clitoris. Other suggestions: pictures of you and your sweetheart(s), framed screenshots of significant sexts, vintage porn prints, Vargas girls posters, other pinup illustrations, dirty needlepoints from Crass Stitches, sexy stained glass pieces, Vanessa Walsh paintings. You’ll feel saucier in your space once you’re surrounded by sexy objets d’art!

Artfully-arranged condoms and lube. I firmly believe that life’s “boring” minutia doesn’t have to be boring; you can always inject a little pizzazz into the day-to-day. One way I like to do this is by displaying my condoms in a cute little basket, like a barrier buffet. Consider keeping yours in a glass vase, a painted flowerpot, a sleek Container Store solution, a colorful Caboodle, a hollowed-out 1950s music box, or whatever receptacle tugs at your heart. Likewise, you can lay out your lubes in a pleasing fashion, perhaps arranging them in ascending size order on a bedside shelf, or even pouring your fave into an automatic lube dispenser. Class up the joint and you’ll feel even better about reaching for condoms and lube when you need ’em!

Sex toys and/or kink gear on display. I have friends who store their sex toys artfully, in shoe racks or wine racks or various other inventive methods. Currently I have several impact toys hanging from adhesive plastic hooks I’ve affixed to one wall, and several leather kink items are displayed on my windowsill. My under-the-bed restraints also peek out from under my mattress at all times, a glinting glimpse of my kinky proclivities. How could you show off your prettiest sex accoutrements in your bedroom?

Sexy lighting. My friend Suz recently installed LED light strips behind her headboard, which has me thinking about what a big difference good lighting can make in a room. A Tinder hookup once said, of the too-bright overhead light in my old bedroom, “Can you turn that light off? It kind of feels like a hospital in here…” and that comment has stuck with me, inspiring me to seek out more aesthetically pleasing solutions! Currently I have a Neuma LED lamp on my dresser, which has a mode where it cycles slowly through the entire color spectrum in a slinkily seductive manner. In the past, I’ve also experimented with white fairy lights, which cast a comfortingly cozy glow. Your bedroom shouldn’t feel like a fluorescently-lit hospital room – unless you’re into medical play, I suppose!

Tempting fragrances. Assuming neither you nor your paramour(s) suffer from scent sensitivities, this can be a delicious way to add to the mood. I am a fan of Square Trade Goods scented candles, woodsy incense sticks, and diffusers that circulate essential oils throughout the room (you could even reach out to an aromatherapist for a custom blend if you’re feelin’ fancy). Kinksters, did you know Leatherstock makes leather-scented incense and candles that smell stunningly true-to-life?!

A lascivious personal library. John Waters says, “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!” I would add: if you go home with somebody and they have a lot of sex books, it’d probably be fun to fuck ’em! Some sex-nerd faves that would enrich your brain and look good on your bookshelf: Sex at Dawn, Girl Sex 101, Becoming Cliterate, The Killer Wore Leather, and Sex with Shakespeare.

Sex-themed knickknacks. I have so many of these! A 3D-printed internal clitoris on your desk is a great conversation-starter, for example. I store my pens in a Museum of Sex mug that says “Sex Makes Me Thirsty,” which is a bit of an eyebrow-raiser. Some sex toy companies even make miniature versions of their dildos; flag your phallus fandom with flair!

How do you like to flag your sex-nerdiness through decor choices?

5 Ways to Play with D/s on a Dinner Date

Kate Sloan

Doing kink stuff in public is a hotly debated practice. Some say it ropes strangers into your activities without their consent; others say it’s harmless and fine. I fall somewhere in the middle: I think it’s okay as long as it’s subtle enough that it’s likely to go unnoticed by those who don’t know what to look for.

If you’re in a relationship that involves dominance and submission, there are few better situations for playing with those kinks publicly than a dinner date. Like any romantic date, dinner out together can help build anticipation and excitement for sex that might come later. Dinner dates also feature some interaction with other people (e.g. hosts, servers) but not a ton, so you can remain in your little two-person bubble for most of the night even though you’re out in public. Low-lit restaurants make a great backdrop for subtle, blink-and-you-might-miss-it kink games.

As a submissive whose boyfriend is a fine-food fan and a fellow pervert, I’ve been on many kink-tinged dinner dates as of late. Here are 5 of my favorite ways to play with D/s while out to dinner with a dominant!

The dominant chooses the submissive’s outfit. Get the kinky fun started before you even leave the house! Letting someone else choose your ensemble is vulnerable, because you’re trusting them with your self-presentation, and you’ll be wearing that outfit all night. Giving the dominant this degree of control also works well if they prefer the date location to be a surprise; the submissive won’t know the appropriate way to dress but the dominant will. If you want, you can play with clothing as bondage: for example, as Siren Vandoll points out, tight clothing or high heels can restrict the submissive’s movement in a way both partners might appreciate. Getting dressed before the date is also a good time to put a collar or other symbol of ownership on the submissive, so both partners can enjoy the sight of it all night.

The dominant holds onto the submissive’s wallet, phone, keys, or another important object. I discovered the joys of this power-play last summer, when my then-dominant would sometimes keep my phone and debit card in his pocket while we grocery-shopped together if I didn’t feel like schlepping my whole big purse to the store. We initially did this purely for practicality’s sake, but I immediately noticed how it deepened our power differential: I had to ask him every time I wanted to look my phone or buy anything, so he had a ton of real-world control over me. Taking a submissive’s phone away for the evening could also be a fun way to “punish” them for being too distractible on dates, if they consent to that type of discipline.

The dominant defines and enforces “table protocol” at the restaurant. This is a fantastic way to reinforce your dynamic within the structure of a meal out. Some examples of potential table protocols you could instate: the submissive pulls out the dominant’s chair for them; the submissive doesn’t sit until the dominant does (and stands up every time they do); the dominant orders the submissive’s food and drinks; the dominant gets the first taste of the submissive’s food and/or drinks; the submissive must eat without ruining their lipstick; the submissive keeps the dominant’s water glass topped up… or whatever else your pervy little minds dream up! Keep in mind that this stuff should be pre-negotiated (as should everything in this post, really), because one or both partners might have a history of disordered eating or another past trauma that could make some of these protocols difficult or inadvisable.

The dominant sends the submissive to the bathroom with instructions. Maybe their task is to take a series of dirty photos and text them to the dominant; maybe it’s to remove their underwear and surreptitiously give them to the dominant upon their return; maybe it’s to touch themselves until they’re super turned on and then come back without finishing the job. (Wash your hands, please.) It’s probably best to avoid anything that could get you arrested or will result in a long lineup of other patrons waiting to use the bathroom, but hey, what happens in the bathroom stall stays in the bathroom stall.

The dominant and submissive use a remote-controlled sex toy together. This one’s a little riskier, depending on how good the submissive is at maintaining a “poker face”… Remotely controllable sex toys like the We-Vibe Sync are ideal for discreet public play if you’re into that. The dominant can enable and control the toy from their phone, or with a remote. It’s best to save this one for interludes when other people aren’t interacting with you, so you’re not involving them, such as after your food has arrived or in the taxi home after dinner. If you play your cards right, the outing will end with both of you totally turned on and ready for more explicit private play.

What’s your favorite way to infuse a little kink into a dinner date?

 

Heads up: this post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Prepare For a Spanking

Kate Sloan

A surprisingly frequent search term people use to find my website is “how to prepare for a spanking.” At first, I found this confusing – what’s to prepare? Just drop trou and you’re good to go! – but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how inaccurate and unhelpful that perspective is. When I’m nervous about an upcoming activity on my docket, sexual or otherwise, often my first line of defense is to google it – and even if I glean no new information from the results, the research itself calms my nerves. Doing my due diligence has never done me wrong.

Here, then, are some tips from me to you on how to prepare for your next spanking, whether it’s your first foray into impact play or your thousandth…

Make sure you actually want to be spanked. Hey: it’s okay if you don’t. Spanking is sometimes discussed as a foregone conclusion in kink spaces, as if every kinkster is into it, but that isn’t the case! You don’t have to get spanked just because you’re playing with someone who likes doling out impact, or you’re going to a play party where spanking is de rigueur, or you liked being spanked by this play partner on a previous occasion so you feel obligated to like it again. Want it, or skip it!

Communicate with your play partner. Here is an abridged list of questions the two of you should ideally discuss before you play. How long do you want the session to last (if you know)? Are there any time constraints your partner should know about (e.g. do you have to pick up your kids later? get to work tomorrow morning?)? What are your reasons for seeking and enjoying pain (e.g. pain as a punishment, as a reward, as a feat of endurance)? What do your face and body tend to do when you’re enjoying yourself? When you’re not enjoying yourself? What are your safewords and/or safe-signals? Do you have other preferred systems for mid-scene check-ins? Is it okay to leave marks? Where do you want to be hit? How much pain can you generally take? Do you like rhythmic pain, or do you prefer it more erratic? What names can your partner call you during the spanking, if any, and which should they avoid? Do you have any medical conditions your partner should know about? Is sexual touching okay? What other sex or kink activities will be involved in the scene? Hammering out all these details can help you relax into the spanking.

Prep your butt. Like all forms of sexual grooming, this will vary a lot based on personal preference. I feel my best during a spanking if I take the time in advance to shave, exfoliate, and moisturize my ass – though, of course, some spankings are too impromptu to allow for this. Taking a fragrant bath can also help you relax, so you’ll sink into a compliant, submissive headspace more easily. Depending on your dynamic with your play partner, they may enjoy rubbing some massage oil into your skin to help relax you even further.

Wear something you feel cute in. Cute underwear is a vital part of my spanking wardrobe, so to speak. Thigh-high stockings are super sexy and make a great frame for your butt. Wear whatever makes you feel hot and provides ample access to the areas you want your partner to hit – whether that’s a fetishistic backless latex spanking skirt, a pair of tight jeans that can be yanked down to your knees, or nothing but your collar. Certain hairstyles or perfumes may also help put you in a good headspace to enjoy the spanking (e.g. I feel super submissive in braided pigtails).

Get your implements ready. There can be a ritualistic joy to laying out your impact tools of choice for the evening: choosing them carefully and arranging them just so. You may want to take it further by, for example, cleaning your leather paddle with saddle soap and treating it with mink oil until it shines, or carefully untangling the falls of your flogger.

Prepare your space. Lay down a blanket where you plan to kneel, for example. Clean your room. Burn some incense. Pull the drapes. Put on some music. Ponder what décor and other trappings would help put you into the headspace you’re hoping to achieve with the spanking, and put as much of it into action as you can.

After all that is done, you should be able to relax into the spanking itself, and enjoy the pain for all it’s worth!

How do you like to prep for an impact play scene?

 

This post was graciously sponsored by the good folks at SheVibe, one of the companies helping me get to this year’s Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit. Check out their selection of impact toys! As always, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

10 Ways to Love a Writer

Kate Sloan

1. Read their work. But like, really read it, though. Soak it up. Tell them what you liked about it. Tell them how it made you feel. Marvel at their clever word choices and melodious phrasing. If you haven’t had time to read their latest piece yet, say, “I’ve been saving it for when I can really take my time with it,” and mean that, and follow through.

2. Brag about them. When the subject of her last piece comes up at a dinner party, inquire, “Did you read her article about that? It was great!” When you introduce him to your friends, tell them, “He’s an incredibly talented writer.” Have her big-deal byline framed. Bring up his accomplishments in spaces where he might be too shy to do so himself. Be your sweetheart’s one-person hype machine.

3. Read their work aloud to them. Whether it’s an in-progress draft or an essay they wrote years ago, they’ll hear it differently in your voice. They’ll adore hearing which sentences surprise you, which metaphors make you giggle, which piece of dialogue trips you up. It’s a sort of artistic collaboration: their words, your voice, mingling to create something new.

4. Don’t offer edits unless asked to. If you’re not sure, ask before you begin to read, “What kind of feedback are you looking for on this, if any?” Sometimes they might want your detailed suggestions. Other times they might just want someone to look it over and say, “This is great!”

5. Nerd out about books with them. Be the person to whom they can text excerpts excitedly, or shriek gleefully about perfect sentences. Recommend them your favorites, and read theirs. Lie in bed together reading, taking occasional breaks to query, “What the fuck is this character doing?!” or “How the fuck is this going to end?!” Give them a gift certificate to their favorite used bookstore, or an annotated edition of their fave novel, or a shiny new Kindle. Hold them and kiss their shoulders while they devour something beautiful.

6. Let them bounce ideas off you. Help them shape the plot of their novel, or the arc of their essay, by listening and asking questions. Tell them what’s working for you and (gently) what isn’t. Point out plot holes or fallacies, and help them fill in the gaps. Develop the skill of being diplomatic but honest when asked, “Does this make sense?” or “Is this funny?” or “Is this any good?”

7. Write them love notes. Their love language is probably linguistic, so they’ll appreciate this even more than the average person. Put into words why you love them, what they mean to you, what they bring to your life. Tell them how their presence in your life heals your past, sweetens your present, and brightens your future. Write things that are meaningful, sweet, and true. Your prose doesn’t have to be flowery or crystalline like theirs is, though maybe they inspire you to make it moreso.

8. Surprise them with beautiful writing supplies. But ideally the ones you know they prefer, since that proves you truly know them. Get them their next journal, a box of exquisite pens or pencils, a year-long subscription to Evernote Premium or a domain for their blog… Whatever you know will get them fired up to write even more.

9. Give them space to write. Don’t take “I can’t; I’m writing” as a rejection; be flattered they trust you enough to be honest with you about their boundaries and needs. Don’t interrupt them when they’ve retired to a private space to write – or, if you must, ask first if it’s okay. Find ways to work on solitary pursuits, independently but together – they will feel adored and accepted when they see you can amuse yourself with some other activity while they write, happy just to be near them. They’ll be happy to be near you, too.

10. Give them things to write about. Magical experiences, poignant moments, deep and true love. Kiss them in pretty places, hold their hand in bustling streets, shoot them meaningful glances from across a room. Incite in them joy and lust and exhilaration and whatever feelings you’d want to read about – because they want to write about those feelings, but more than that, they want to feel them.

8 Strategies For Taking More (Consensual) Pain

Kate Sloan
Photo of me and Suz by Taylor J Mace

They say that if there’s something in your life you don’t like, you can either change the thing itself, or change your attitude about it. That’s an idealistic oversimplification when it comes to complex issues like poverty or chronic illness – but if we’re talkin’ consensual pain, then yes, I find changing my mindset makes all the difference in the world.

My first forays into consensual pain were mild spankings – first, with a long-term boyfriend, and later, with a super-kinky FWB. Almost as soon as the sensation veered from “scarcely noticeable” into “actually painful,” I would call an end to it. It didn’t feel good, so I couldn’t enjoy it. Right?

I’m sure this is true for many people, and no one should feel pressured to pursue sexual experiences they don’t actually enjoy or want. But in my case, I had Kink Feelingz about the idea of taking pain, so I wanted to keep trying. I was determined that my pain tolerance in reality would one day catch up to my pain tolerance in fantasy.

So I started learning and practicing what I call cognitive strategies for dealing with pain. I’ve helped a number of baby-kinkster friends through their initial adventures in masochism, and I think, in many cases, mental strategies help more than physical adjustments (although both can be helpful). Here are 8 tricks I’ve picked up that help me when I want to take a lot of pain; they’re not new or revolutionary, but they work for me.

1. Establish safewords and safe-signals. This is a 101-level kink safety requirement, but beyond being necessary to keep all participants safe, I also find these tools help me take more pain. When utilized with a communication-savvy partner who reads my body well and checks in as needed, these tools can help me moderate the sensation I’m receiving without breaking role or feeling pulled out of the moment. Try these:

  • The top can ask, “Where was that last hit on a scale from 1 to 10?” The bottom rates the hit. Then the top has a better sense of the bottom’s current pain tolerance, and can ask useful follow-up questions like, “Where would you like to be, on a scale from 1 to 10?” or “Do you think you could take a 7 for me right now?”
  • The top can ask, “What color are you?” and the bottom can answer either green (“I’m fine; you can continue”), yellow (“I’m okay but I need you to slow down/decrease the intensity”), or red (“I need you to stop immediately”).
  • You can develop a nonverbal communication strategy, e.g. the bottom taps the top’s leg/arm if they want the sensation to slow down, and squeezes it if they want more sensation. (This approach doesn’t work great for me because I tend to do these things involuntarily while receiving pain, but if you have more control over your body at that time, you might find this a useful technique.)

Notice that these strategies only ever require one-word answers from the bottom, if that. Pain can put a lot of people into a nonverbal headspace, so adapting your communication strategies in this way can help make sure everyone is safe and getting what they want, even when the bottom doesn’t entirely have their wits about them.

2. Warm up properly. This is less a cognitive strategy and more of a physical one, although really, when done well, it’s both. I can’t delve straight into an intense spanking sans warmup, both because my body isn’t ready for it and because my mind isn’t.

Regardless of what kind of pain you’re playing with (spanking, face-slapping, E-stim, nipple clamps, what have you), you can warm up by starting the pain at a mild level and slowly increasing it as the bottom goes deeper into subspace and can handle more. (As a top, if you’re not sure if the bottom is ready for more, the above communication tools are ideal for figuring that out.)

Note that some people prefer pain to feel “too” intense too quickly, and may want to skip warmup for this reason. I would only recommend this for people who already know their body’s pain responses pretty well, though.

3. Breathe. You hear this “tip” at every yoga class and in every meditation video. If you’re anything like me, you get a little annoyed by it after a while. I know, I know. Breathe deeply, you’ll think with an irritated eye-roll.

However, controlling my breathing has been one of the most useful skills I’ve learned in increasing my pain tolerance (there’s even scientific backing for this). I think that’s mostly because it gives me something to focus on that isn’t the pain, and lets me feel like I’m doing something, rather than just helplessly, hopelessly suffering.

Experiment with different breathing patterns to find what works for you. Personally, I like to take long, slow, deep, steadily rhythmic breaths through my nose. Sometimes my rhythm gets messed up when I get hit particularly hard, but I just try to remind myself to refocus on my breathing, and that helps a great deal.

Note: a bottom who uses breathing techniques to get through pain might find it disruptive to be told to count impacts out loud, repeat mantras, answer a top’s frequent questions, etc. If you are a top who likes to ask bottoms a lot of questions or make them count aloud, maybe check in beforehand with each bottom to see if they think that practice will fuck with their ability to modulate their pain the way they prefer.

4. Establish finite limits to the pain. I find this helpful for the same reason it’s helpful to know the length of a long-distance race before you run it: discomfort is so much worse when you have no idea when it’ll end.

This is not to say you have to start a scene by announcing, say, “I’m going to spank you for exactly thirty minutes”! For me, the quantification of pain often happens on a smaller scale during a scene. For example:

  • “I’m going to hit you really hard 5 more times, and then we’ll be done.”
  • “Think you can take 10 more hits like that?”
  • “I’m only going to hit you for one more minute. You can keep an eye on the clock if you want.”
  • “If you can get through another 30 seconds of pain, you’ll have earned lots of cuddles and chocolate.”
  • “You’re getting 25 more hits – unless you make another bratty remark, in which case, your punishment will be much worse.” (I learned this technique from spanking fetishist extraordinaire Jillian Keenan, who recommends it as a way of indirectly inquiring about a bottom’s limits without breaking D/s roles. Brilliant.)

Note: some bottoms prefer the chaotic unknown. Having no idea when a scene will end may increase their sense of fear in a way they find hot and/or cathartic. As with many of these tips, you can clarify your approach as a top by asking your bottom lots of questions about what they like about receiving pain, what specific feelings they’re seeking when they crave pain, how they conceptualize their pain, etc.

5. Use rhythm. This is a super contentious point amongst bottoms, I find. Ask 10 masochistic bottoms how they feel about rhythm versus randomness when they take pain, and you’re likely to get 10 different answers.

Personally, I find it so much easier to take large amounts of pain if it’s occurring at steady intervals. Randomness causes my body to tense up erratically, so I can never really relax or breathe deeply or give myself over to endorphin-y subspace in the way I prefer to.

That said, I’ve met many bottoms who find it exciting and hot to have no clue when the next hit will land (or the next zap, punch, scratch, etc.) – so now, when I’m topping, I usually ask bottoms beforehand whether they like their pain to be rhythmic or not. It’s a seemingly small thing but it can make a huge difference.

6. Remember why you’re doing this. As with any kind of suffering in life – consensual or not – it’s easier to get through pain if it feels like it’s for a specific reason, and you believe that reason is a good one.

As a bottom, sometimes I’m taking pain to impress a top, to serve them, to show them how good I can be for them. Sometimes pain is a tool we’re using to achieve a certain effect, like bringing me into subspace, turning me on, or giving me bruises we can admire later. Sometimes pain is a punishment, sometimes it’s a reward, sometimes it’s a fun bonding activity… It can be so many different things, and it helps to clarify, before any given session, what it is going to mean on that particular day.

As a top, here are some examples of how you can remind your bottom mid-scene of their pain’s purpose. As always, adapt these approaches to fit your bottom’s specific tastes and motivations for enjoying pain, which you can find out by – spoiler alert! – asking them.

  • “I love seeing you in pain like this. You’re taking it so well.”
  • “This’ll teach you not to [do x thing they’re being punished for] again, won’t it?”
  • “You love how subspacey and turned-on you get when I hit you, don’t you?”
  • “I wonder how much more you can take for me.”
  • “Your bruises are going to look so pretty for me once we’re done.”

7. Repeat an affirmation. (Also known as a mantra, though I’m trying to use this term less because some say it’s culturally appropriative.) I find this useful for many of the same reasons I find rhythmic breathing useful: it gives me something to focus on that isn’t the pain, and feels like a life preserver I can cling to in a hopeless, roiling sea of pain.

The two phrases I’ve thought most often during spankings are “no moment is unendurable” (originally from David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest) and “this too shall pass.” The latter has been so useful for me in so many situations that I have it tattooed on my wrists – a handy placement, ’cause I can hold my upturned hands out in front of me during a spanking and read my ink over and over to help me get through the pain!

As a top, if you know your bottom finds these repeated affirmations helpful, you can give them one and tell them to think it or say it over and over while you hurt them. For example, my partner sometimes asks me mid-scene, “What are you?” and my ritualized answer is, “I’m your helpless little slut.” It helps recenter and refocus me on my desire to serve him, which can be nice when we’re doing something I find challenging. You can also just repeat a phrase at them if there’s one you think they’d find helpful – e.g. “You’re a good girl,” “Take a little more for me,” “You’re doing so well,” “You get what you deserve,” and so on. (Not to sound like a broken record, but you should really inquire about your bottom’s motivations for enjoying pain before you try this; telling a punishment slut they’re a good boy, for example, is unlikely to be effective.)

8. Focus on another sensation elsewhere in your body. I had a partner last year who would often put one hand on my lower back while the other spanked me. It was ostensibly just to steady himself so he could aim better, but it had the unforeseen (for me) effect of increasing my pain tolerance – because whenever the sting on my ass got too intense, I would just reroute my focus to my partner’s warm hand on my back. That touch felt so loving compared to the wallops of pain his other hand was serving up, and even that small cognitive adjustment helped me tune out the pain and focus on the affection that fuelled it.

I’ve sometimes found it helpful to bite my lip or dig my nails into my arm while getting spanked, because that less-intense pain helped draw my focus away from the spanking when it became almost too much to bear. A similar effect is achieved when a partner lets me hold a vibrator against my clit while they hit me, or allows me to grind against their lap.

Even if there’s no deliberate touch going on except for the pain, you can still focus on other tactile sensations: the bed underneath you holding up your weight, your clothes (if any) sliding against your skin, a collar tight against your throat. You can bring your mind back to the pain when you’re ready, but tuning it out for even just a few moments can help you get through a difficult interlude when you need to.

What strategies do you like for enduring (or helping a partner endure) consensual pain?