How-To

5 Ways I Use Mindfulness to Lose Weight

Kate Sloan

Dear darlings: I know that weight talk and body stuff can be tough for some of you. It’s never my intention to shame you or make you feel bad, and this post definitely won’t aim to do that – but if you know that this subject matter is tricky for you, I encourage you to skip this post. You know what’s best for you, my friend!

I’m a chubby bunny, and mostly I’m okay with that. I’ve been lucky enough to have lovers and suitors in my life who’ve lavished attention on my curvy bod, making me see that my wide hips, soft belly and thunder thighs might not be the end of the world.

That said: my body seems to work better at a weight that’s a little lower than where I’m at right now. Currently I hover around 165 pounds, and when I’m down around 140-150, I feel stronger, healthier, happier, and more energetic. And who doesn’t want that?!

Last summer I lost 20 pounds (most of which I gained back from the stress of school and a break-up – oh, woe!), and during that process I learned a lot about habit formation, nutrition, and self-control strategies that work for my particular brain. As far as tangible processes go, calorie-counting is the only thing that’s ever worked for me – but my calorie-counting successes were only made possible by practicing mindfulness.

What is mindfulness? It’s an old, old concept often attributed to Buddhism. It’s the practice of being present, of being here now, of noticing and fully experiencing the sensations and thoughts and events of the current moment. When you’re being truly mindful, you don’t replay the past or worry about the future. You just be – here and now and only here and now.

You may be familiar with the idea of mindfulness if you practice meditation or yoga, or if you’ve studied facets of the Buddhist tradition, or even if you’ve used certain psychotherapeutic techniques like CBT or deep breathing. It’s all part of the same overarching idea, but today I’m going to tell you specifically about how mindfulness helps me lose weight. (If phrases like “lose weight” bother you, you can sub in the phrase “get healthier” – the same principles apply!)

1. Mindful eating.

I am still learning how to do this well. Meal times are often blessed breaks from work, so it’s natural to want to kick back and do something relaxing while you eat, like catch up on your Netflix queue or scroll through your Twitter feed.

But experts say eating mindfully is a way better approach. You digest your food better and get more nutrition from it. You’re less likely to overeat due to distraction. And amazingly, you actually enjoy your food more. Tastes and textures seem fabulously vivid and pleasurable when you give all your attention to what you’re eating.

2. What am I really hungry for?

I have learned that often my desire to eat is rooted in some other kind of desire, some non-stomach-based hunger of one kind or another.

If you feel yourself wanting to eat something that may not be so good for your body, it can be helpful to ask yourself: what am I really hungry for right now?

If I’m just bored and want something to do, I can put on a TV show, work on a creative project, go for a walk, read a book, do some yoga, or pretty much any other activity that will capture my attention.

If I’m craving the pleasure I’d get from eating a piece of chocolate or a big-ass burrito, I can seek out pleasure in other ways – for example, by masturbating, listening to some favorite tunes, starting a conversation with someone who makes me laugh, or cuddling my cat. (Of course, it’s important not to replace unhealthy pleasures with other unhealthy pleasures, like excessive boozin’, drugs, or a shopping addiction!)

If I want the energy boost I can expect from certain foods, I can get the same kind of kick from tea or coffee, a brisk walk around the block, or a groovy yoga flow sequence.

If it’s just a “mouth-boredom” thing, I can make a pot of tea, chew some sugar-free gum, or even engage in some hardcore flossing.

And of course, there are times when hunger is actually hunger. Practicing mindfulness has sharpened my ability to identify when I’m actually, physically hungry. And when I am, I eat!

3. Mindful exercise – or not.

I used to hate exercising. (Well, honestly, sometimes I still do. But mostly I don’t.) While running on the treadmill or contorting myself into yoga poses, my mind would go a mile a minute. “I hate this!” “This is so hard!” “This is taking too long!” “Is this almost over?”

Eventually I learned that I experience less psychological turmoil about exercising if I choose to really center myself in the present moment. If I’m intimately focused on every footfall, on the stretch and pull of every muscle, on the dependable in-and-out of my breath, not only do I have fewer resistant thoughts, but the exercise actually starts to feel better. It can be downright pleasurable sometimes!

Learning about mindfulness has also shown me, though, that sometimes focusing too much on my present moment can emphasize any discomfort I’m experiencing. Mindfulness experts would tell me to “breathe through it” but sometimes that just doesn’t work for me, and the only way I can get through my workout is by watching a riveting TV show or listening to a fascinating podcast to take my mind off the exertion at hand. And I think that’s okay, because at least I get the workout done, even if I don’t do it the way I “should.”

4. Stop procrastinating.

Procrastination comes from being out of sync with the present moment. It comes from distraction, fear, and laziness. When I tap into the now, I don’t want to procrastinate.

“I could work out, but I don’t wanna,” I think. And then I ask myself, “What will I do now, if I don’t work out?” and the answer is usually some variation of “sit around doing nothing,” an activity that I know will just make me feel bad and gross.

Procrastination is avoidance – not only avoidance of the thing you’re putting off, but also avoidance of your feelings and experiences in this moment. When I’m really in the now, I often find that I want to work out. My body is crying out for it.

5. The moment will pass.

Studying mindfulness has taught me that no one moment is unendurable. Moments go by. They give birth to new moments. And the new ones feel different from the old ones. It sounds obvious but it can be a revelation.

Sudden snack attack? I can breathe into it. I can choose to think about something else. I can remind myself, “I will not actually die if I don’t eat a bowl of chips right now.” And the moment will pass.

Tired muscles during a workout? I can breathe into it. I can choose to think about something else. I can remind myself, “This is difficult, but it will not kill me.” I can remind myself, “I did this last time. I can do it again.” I can remind myself, “I will feel so awesome when this is done.” And the moment will pass.

Look at my body in the mirror and hate what I see? I can breathe into it. I can choose to think about something else. I can remind myself, “Lots of people have called you beautiful.” I can remind myself, “It’s okay to have ups and downs.” I can remind myself, “My body is strong and can do lots of great things.” And the moment will pass.

All moments pass. All moments can be endured, if you just take them one at a time.

Extra resources: Leo Babauta has taught me more about mindfulness than anyone else. He’s got great articles on mindfulness rituals, beating a food addiction, forming habits, overcoming instant gratification, getting in shape, and lots more.

Quick Tips For Preventing and Treating UTIs

Kate Sloan

If you have a vulva, you’ve probably had a urinary tract infection in your life. Or perhaps a whole lot of them. I know I have.

Because they suck and I don’t want you to go through them, here’s a quick tip sheet for preventing and avoiding ‘em.

Super-obvious disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any kind, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt and check with your doctor if you’re unsure about anything. These tips are intended only for prevention and possibly very early treatment; if you’ve had an infection for more than a day or so and it isn’t going away, GO TO THE DOCTOR! UTIs can easily spread to your kidneys, which is bad news. Go go go.

Also, these tips are mostly intended for folks who have a vulva and vagina. I’m sure that many of the same tips apply to people who have penises, but I am not one of those people so I haven’t tested these suggestions for that kind of body.

Prevention

1. Stay hydrated. The more frequently you pee, the harder it is for bacteria to get a foothold in your urinary tract. Simple as that.

2. When you have to pee, PEE. Don’t hold it in for ages, if you can help it. Go ASAP. (This sometimes means strategically ignoring prevention tip #1. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a bathroomless room for hours, it may be in your best interest to drink less water than you normally would, so you won’t have to hold it.)

3. Increase your cranberry intake. Cranberry juice (the unsweetened kind, not the sugary “cranberry juice cocktail” kind) has been proven to cut down on UTIs. If you can’t handle the bitter, tart flavor of the juice, you could also take cranberry pills.

4. Wipe from front to back only. Everyone with a vulva should already know this, but incase you didn’t… there you go. Fecal bacteria should never get anywhere near your urethra if you can help it.

5. Consume more alkaline foods. I can’t find 100% scientific confirmation of this, but some people swear that changing their diet to include more alkaline foods has helped their recurrent UTIs, since it changes the pH of your urine and therefore makes your urinary tract a more hostile environment for bacteria. Here’s a list of highly alkaline-forming foods and drinks.

6. Only insert clean things into your vagina. Keep your sex toys clean. Wash your hands before masturbating. Tell your lover(s) to keep their hands and nails clean. This is basic stuff but a lot of people forget about it.

7. Wear all- or mostly-cotton underwear, and not thongs. Cotton allows your vag to “breathe,” which helps with a whole host of potential vaginal and urinary issues. Thongs, on the other hand, can transport fecal bacteria from your butt to your vagina and/or urethra, so they’re best avoided if you have trouble with UTIs or other genital infections.

Treatment

1. Drink a fuckton of water. Grab your biggest glass or bottle. Fill it with water. Drink it all. Pee when you have to. Repeat at least until peeing is no longer painful. If you catch your infection early enough, you may be able to flush it out this way (indeed, this is the main way I deal with UTIs, and I only end up needing to get antibiotics for maybe 1 out of every 5 UTIs I contract because this method is so effective for me).

2. Take some D-Mannose. It’s a white powder that you stir into water and drink. I have heard that cranberries may contain traces of D-Mannose and that this may be the reason cranberries are deemed effective against UTIs, but, again, there’s a lot of scientific disagreement and confusion about most things sexual. All I know is that a spoonful of D-Mannose in a huge glass of water has stopped my UTIs in their tracks many a time.

3. GO TO THE DAMN DOCTOR. Seriously, please do. If drinking tons of water doesn’t make a dent in your UTI after the first day or so, you need to get your ass to a doc and get some medicine. It may be a drag, but trust me, when the infection spreads to your kidneys and you’re sitting in the emergency room in a terrific amount of pain, you will wish you had gone to the doctor earlier. (And remember: whenever you take antibiotics, you should also take probiotics – either in pill form or through foods/drinks like yogurt or kombucha – to avoid getting a yeast infection from the medication.)

What’s your go-to preventative measure or home treatment for UTIs?

Sex Writing 101: How to Write a Helpful, Engaging Review

Kate Sloan

They say that you become an expert at something when you’ve spent 10,000 hours doing it. I doubt I’ve spent that many hours reading and writing sex toy reviews, and I’m definitely not an expert. But I do think my two and a half years of experience have taught me some things about what does and does not work in a sex toy review.

I purposely left the title of this post vague because I think most of these rules can apply to reviews of other things, too, besides sex toys. I sometimes review porn, clothing, and even lipstick, and these tips translate well to most kinds of reviews. I hope you find them helpful!

Talk about your experience.

It’s amazing how many reviewers forget to do this, or don’t do it adequately. I can read a toy’s specs and features on just about any site that sells it; if I’m reading your blog, it’s because I want to know what you think of the product, not what its sales copy says.

Try to answer these questions: how did the toy feel for you? Did it work for your body? Did you encounter any issues when you used it? What did the sensation remind you of? Did you find any alternate/unusual techniques or uses for the product?

Usefully compare the product to others.

Granted, not everyone reading your blog will have a lot of toys as a frame of reference for your comparisons, but some will.

Comparisons are also useful as a way of recommending products that might work better for some people depending on their bodies and preferences. For example: in a review of the Lelo Gigi, I might write that someone seeking similar functionality but with more girth and power might prefer the Mona 2.

I specified that the comparisons should be useful and here’s what I mean: don’t compare the product you’re reviewing to a product that’s so obscure that almost no one has it, be very selective in making comparisons to outlier toys like the Hitachi Magic Wand, try not to make comparisons to toys that have been discontinued (this helps no one), and be specific in your comparisons. If you say that one toy reminds you of another, try to specify why.

Find interesting ways to describe sensations.

It can sometimes be helpful to describe a vibrator as “very strong” or a dildo as “very pleasurable” or whatever, but it’s better if you can come up with a more specific, creative and memorable way to describe what you feel.

Here are some examples which are totally cliché but work effectively as sensation descriptors: a vibrator like a jackhammer, a dildo that pounds your G-spot, a butt plug which gives a stretching sensation. If you can come up with more inventive descriptions, so much the better.

I often ask myself, “What does this feeling remind me of?” and find my descriptions that way. That’s how, for example, I decided to describe the Lelo Ida as feeling like a sharp rock in my vagina. I’ve never actually had a sharp rock in my vagina, but that’s what it felt like to me.

Proofread.

I tend to tune out and/or unsubscribe from blogs that have a lot of grammar mistakes, misspellings, and typos. I find it incredibly distracting, even if the writing is otherwise good.

Read your posts aloud before publishing, or show them to someone in your life who’s a good proofreader.

Structure your post for maximum readability and clarity.

The most basic way to increase readability is to use lots of paragraph breaks. Long paragraphs are sometimes necessary but they can feel tiring or confusing.

If your post has subheadings, sections, or any really important points you want to stress, consider bolding them. This helps break up the post, visually, and aids in overall comprehension for your reader.

I often structure my reviews in an “on the one hand/on the other hand” format, by which I mean, usually I’ll list all the pros and then all the cons, or vice versa. I try not to go back and forth too much between the product’s good qualities and its bad qualities; I think it makes more logical sense to list all of one and then all of the other.

Use the “inverse pyramid” structure.

Man, you would be surprised how many of the tips I learn at journalism school translate directly to my work writing sex toy reviews!

At J-school, we learn to structure our news pieces in an “inverse pyramid,” meaning that the most important or exciting information goes first and then the rest of the information is laid out from most to least important, all the way down.

If there’s a huge, glaring reason why I hate or love the product I’m reviewing, I usually start with that. That’s the “headline,” so to speak. The lesser details go farther down.

Introduce and conclude properly.

Remember when you had to write essays for school and they always had an introduction and a conclusion, both of which contained mini-summaries of the points to be made in the body of the essay? A similar structure can be helpful for reviews.

It’s good for comprehension and clarity if the reader knows what to expect before they get into the meat of the post (e.g. that you’re going to talk about size, shape, and texture, in that order) and if your conclusion is a little recap of your main points.

Disclose your relevant biases and quirks.

I have a small-ish vagina, I need clit stimulation to reach orgasm, I often find intense G-spot stimulation overwhelming rather than pleasurable, I loooove A-spot stimulation, and I need moderately strong vibration to get me off. These are all factors which affect how I feel about sex toys, and which may make my preferences different from those of some of my readers.

If I hate or love a sex toy for a reason that has a lot to do with my own unique preferences, I always try to be transparent about that. Someone else might love a toy I hate, or vice versa, if their body and preferences are significantly different from mine, and they should get some sense of that from my review.

What qualities matter to you in a review?

Journal Your Way to a Better Sex Life

Kate Sloan

You will probably never meet a more diehard journal-er than me. If I’m out in public and have nothing better to do, I’m usually bent over a hardcover ruled Moleskine, pouring my heart and soul out onto its creamy pages. I’ve been journaling sporadically since I was a kid, and that habit turned ritualistic when I started doing it near-daily at age 14. Ever since then, it’s been an absolute necessity for my emotional processing and mental health. I don’t function properly without a notebook and pen and a little time each day to make use of them.

It occurred to me recently that, although journaling isn’t strictly a sexual topic, it’s a process that has improved my sex life in many ways and so it’s worth blogging about. Here are some of my best suggestions for honing and upgrading your sex life using a journaling practice.

Do morning pages for clarity and productivity.

“Morning pages” are an invention of The Artist’s Way author Julia Cameron. Every morning, first thing upon waking, you write three longhand, stream-of-consciousness pages. You keep writing, even if the only thing that comes out is “I don’t know what to write,” until you’ve completed your three pages.

I don’t know why or how this works, so don’t ask me to explain, but… morning pages make me noticeably and astonishingly more clear-headed, productive, creative, and energetic. In those pages, I come to realizations about goals I want to achieve and experiences I want to have; I plan adventures and endeavors; I list fears and work through them; I stumble upon feelings I didn’t even know I felt. And then I go out into the world and take all that clarity and initiative with me, making bigger and better things happen in my life than would ever happen without the influence of morning pages.

To give you an example of what kind of changes this practice makes in my life: it was actually my morning pages that helped me realize I needed to end my relationship. One day my pages started with me rambling about a cute guy I had a crush on who was very much not my boyfriend, and by the end of the three pages, I had come to the stark realization that I had to break up with my partner because I just didn’t have the same passionate, desirous feelings for him that I had for some other people. I had been waffling for months about whether a break-up was really necessary, but those three pages showed me without a doubt that it was.

I think morning pages enable you to access parts of your psyche that you might inadvertently be hiding, even from yourself. That’s useful when it comes to sex because even the most open-minded among us will occasionally still bury a secret desire or fantasy if it seems too “out-there” or taboo. And on the flipside, your morning pages might help you come to a realization about a sexual activity or fantasy that isn’t serving you, that doesn’t feel good, and that you can eliminate from your life.

Brainstorm a hundred ideas.

I forget where I first heard this, but somewhere along the line, I learned a neat trick: if you’re stuck on a problem or question, try brainstorming 100 different answers or solutions.

Yes, one hundred. It seems like a lot, and it is. After the first ten or twenty, I always get to an uncomfortable juncture where it seems like I can’t possibly come up with any more. But then, inevitably, I do. And that’s when the real magic starts.

I usually use this technique for personal problems or career ventures, but there’s no reason it can’t be applied to sex, too. If your sex life needs a shake-up, try listing 100 totally new-to-you things you could try with your beau (or by yourself). Don’t censor or judge yourself; just let the ideas flow. You’re sure to stumble on at least a few gems, even if the vast majority of the list gets discarded in the end.

(If, like me, you have a sex-related biz or blog, you might also find this strategy useful for coming up with post ideas, product offerings, etc. The sky’s the limit!)

Look for patterns.

If you’re already a frequent diarist like me, I strongly encourage you to peruse your backlog of entries and look for any elements that keep popping up.

For example: I didn’t realize I had a thing for oral servitude until I started looking through journal entries about my fantasies and desires and noticed that theme coming up again and again. And even once I had realized it, it took me additional journaling to figure out why I was into it, and how I could better integrate that kink into my sex life.

Pattern-hunting can also be useful if you often find yourself getting triggered or overwhelmed during sex. You may not realize, in the moment, what causes you to disengage or panic, but if you write about every detail you can remember (which I realize can be hard, but may be worth it), you might be able to isolate some common elements that you can then avoid in future. Maybe you hate feeling trapped, maybe a specific scent or sound sets you off, or maybe certain dirty-talk words or phrases just don’t work for you. (As always, with any tricky mental health stuff: proceed with caution and consult a professional!)

Script difficult conversations.

Communication is mandatory in good sexual relationships, but it is hard sometimes. If you’re an anxious person like me, you might find it useful to write out a rough guide for what you’d like to say, to make sure you cover all the important points and phrase them in the best possible way.

Here are some examples of hard conversations and speeches I’ve pre-scripted in my journal before tackling them in real life: asking to be dominated in bed, asking to be kissed less aggressively, discussing the possibility of non-monogamy, asking to be rimmed, and breaking up.

Do you write in a journal? Does it help your sex life in any way?

P.S. That’s a real scan from my journal at the top of this post! You can click it if you want to view it larger, you nosy little minx.

How to Enjoy Your Unrequited Crush

Kate Sloan

Sex writing is my jam, but when I’m not thinking about sex, I’m often thinking about its closely related sister: love. Crushes. Infatuation. Limerence. Whatever you want to call it. It may or may not be linked with sex in your mind, but it’s definitely still linked inextricably with sex in the world at large – so when I think about one, I often consider the other.

One love-related idea I keep coming back to, especially now that I’m single and too busy and distracted to date, is this: having a crush on someone can feel good, even if nothing comes of it.

I first learned this in high school. I was obsessed with the cutest boy ever (who, incidentally, walked past me on the street recently and tried to pretend he didn’t see me, which was actually what prompted me to write this post). I confessed my feelings and he straight-up told me he wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t want to date me.

It hurt like hell, of course, and I cried for a few days and pined after him for a few months (okay, maybe more than a few), but there did eventually come a time when I fully accepted his disinterest in me, and the fact that we would never be together – and after that, somehow, the crush became fun again. I anticipated running into him in the halls. I joyfully succumbed daily to the swoony feelings that overtook me whenever I saw him smile. I laughed at his jokes without worrying how that would be construed. I wrote about “Rejection Boy” sightings in my journal and relished them. It gave me a strange sort of pleasure.

Similarly, I also had a huge crush on my philosophy teacher in high school – and because there was absolutely zero chance of us getting together (what with him being 15+ years older than me, married, and employed by my school), I was able to fully enjoy those early stages of infatuation without it ever progressing to the agony and distress of real romantic yearning.

I learned that infatuation fuelled me, both emotionally and creatively. It made me want to get out of bed in the morning, put effort into my appearance, put effort into my life. It made me want to write, make art, say and do important things. Infatuation was like a potent blend of caffeine, LSD and Prozac, but without the side effects. From that time forward, I tried not to let myself fall into the trap of lovelorn sadness anymore – I tried to focus on the happy side of crushes, on what they could do for me, on what I could make them do for me.

Having experienced this love-magic and having thought a lot about how to replicate it, I think I’m qualified to share with you some tips for how to make your potentially painful romantic longings into an uplifting, cheerifying element of your life.

1. Accept that nothing’s going to happen.

Obviously this only applies in cases where you actually know (or think it very likely) that nothing’s going to happen with that person. Maybe your circumstances or theirs don’t allow for dating right now; maybe you know for a fact that they’re not interested; maybe you only like certain qualities about them but know they wouldn’t actually make a good partner; maybe they’re in a monogamous relationship, or you are; maybe one of you is moving away soon. Whatever the case may be, if there’s no chance of anything happening, accept that.

It’s my belief that the majority of romantic agony we experience (and maybe the majority of any emotional agony we experience) stems from the belief in what could be, and that possibility never coming to fruition. If you eliminate that element, you’ll eliminate a lot of your discomfort. It sounds depressing and bleak, but sometimes it’s the least depressing option you can take in that situation.

2. Identify what you feel when you’re around your crush, and enjoy those feelings.

A swoop of nausea. A herd of stomach butterflies. A fiery blush. A giggle fit. An intense, palpable desire to close the physical distance between you and your beloved.

Whatever you feel when you’re around them, try to identify and isolate what those feelings are. When you can pick them apart and notice them specifically, instead of just letting them wash over you and stress you out, then you can start to enjoy them.

Just as it’s exhilarating to finish a race or perform in front of a crowd, it’s also exhilarating to be around someone who makes your body feel like you’ve just done something equally stressful or scary. Certain people make you feel hyped up and blissed out – so long as you can recognize all those different sensations as adding up to a happy rush.

3. Figure out how you can make your crush into a productive force.

Get out your paints, guitar, journal or other creative outlet of choice, and get to work. As Nellie McKay says, “Come on, use the pain – drink up from the rain.” Sadness can suck but you’ll feel better about it if you turn it into something awesome.

Likewise, ask yourself what you can learn from this experience, and accordingly, what changes you can make. Maybe your crush doesn’t return your feelings because you have some bad lifestyle habits that they view as a red flag; you could change those. Maybe things didn’t work out because your crush got involved with someone else before you could gather the nerve to ask them out; you could work on your courage and confidence. Maybe the rejection made you feel like no one will ever love you (oh, babe, no!); you could work on your self-love and overall attractiveness. You get the idea.

I think one of the key differences between mopey, stagnant people and happy, dynamic people is the way they choose to look at their hardships. You can allow your troubles to define you and drag you down, or you can choose to view them as jumping-off points for greater adventures. I bet you know which option I recommend!

How do you deal with unrequited love?