How-To

How to Do Solo Foreplay

Kate Sloan

Many of my sex educator friends despise the term “foreplay.” The way it’s traditionally used, it refers to any sexual activities that precede intercourse, from kissing to dry-humping to oral sex. This definition is problematic for so many reasons: it leaves out queer and trans people, as well as people who can’t or don’t want to have penetrative sex (for reasons medical, psychological, and otherwise), while devaluing and de-emphasizing sex acts that many people enjoy and find wholly satisfying all on their own. (My sex life, for one, is deeply enriched by self-contained oral sex sessions!) This conception of foreplay also implies that sex is a scripted endeavor that must unfold in a particular order without deviation. Overall, it leaves a lot of people unsatisfied and forgotten.

While many high school teachers forbid their students from using Wikipedia as a source for assignments, I’m a grown-up so I can quote Wiki as much as I like, and their definition of foreplay, being crowd-sourced, is pleasingly inclusive: “Foreplay is a set of emotionally and physically intimate acts between two or more people meant to create sexual arousal and desire for sexual activity. Although foreplay is typically understood as physical sexual activity, nonphysical activities, such as mental or verbal acts, may in some contexts be foreplay. Foreplay can mean different things to different people.” (Emphasis mine.) YES, Wikipedia!! This is the definition I want you to keep in mind as you read this post.

I’m enthralled by foreplay as a concept, particularly since reading Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are a few years ago and learning that I have what’s called “responsive desire”: I usually don’t get turned on until sexual stimulation – physical, mental, or ideally both – is already happening. Nagoski posits in her book that women’s desire is likelier to be responsive, while men’s is likelier to arise more spontaneously – though these are, of course, just over-arching trends and not set-in-stone rules. But maybe these tendencies are to blame for the cultural perception that foreplay is something women need and that men could take or leave. Nothing is ever that simple when it comes to sexuality (and where the hell does that narrative leave trans and non-binary people?!).

In any case, today we’re going to talk about solo foreplay, i.e. providing yourself with your own foreplay. The way I see it, there are 3 main reasons a person might like to do this:

  1. As a prelude to masturbation, to make it more pleasurable, decadent, romantic, momentous, etc., rather than just hopping into the action immediately.
  2. As a replacement for foreplay with your partner, perhaps because the foreplay you do with them is unsatisfactory in some way (in which case, I would recommend discussing that with them when you feel able to do so), because you have a limited time window in which to have sex with them (e.g. the 20 minutes between them getting home from work and the two of you having to leave for a family function) and you want to make the most of it, or because you’re feeling submissive and have been commanded (or have offered) to get yourself turned on before your partner arrives, so they can “use you.” 😏
  3. As a supplement to foreplay with your partner, to make the whole sexual encounter more pleasurable and exciting for you.

Whatever your reasons for actively turning yourself on, having the ability to do so can feel highly empowering – especially for people who have been socialized to believe that their arousal is someone else’s job to conjure up. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be, and you’re denying yourself a vast range of wonderful experiences if you depend solely on your partner to get you revved up!

With that in mind, here are some suggestions for ways you can stoke your own fire, so to speak:

Eliminate stressors, as much as possible. Stress has an actual physiological effect on your ability to get aroused, so – while you may not be able to tune out every little thing that’s making you anxious or sad – try to set the stage for a stress-free session of sensuality. I find that even just tidying up my room, putting on some relaxing music, and turning off my phone can help me breathe a sigh of sweet relief.

Fantasize. Let your inner perversions run wild! Recall a sexy memory. Imagine fucking your favorite fictional character. If you’re planning to have sex later, this step could be as simple as vividly picturing (or even sexting about) what you hope will happen. See where your dirty mind takes you!

Watch porn or read erotica. This is my go-to when I just don’t have the focus, energy, or creativity for fantasizing. If you’re nerdy like me, you may even want to start keeping a document or spreadsheet of the links that turn you on the most – whether they’re amateur blowjob clips, hypno erotica, or Brooklyn Nine-Nine fanfiction – so you can return to them whenever you need a reliable libido boost.

Use an arousal gel. These are topical products meant to be applied to the genitals (they are usually designed for clits, but can feel good on penises too!) to encourage bloodflow to the area through the use of mild tingling or warming ingredients. Promescent’s Female Arousal Gel, for instance, contains peppermint, which will certainly get your blood pumping! I find that these make me more sensitive, too, often resulting in longer and stronger orgasms.

Touch yourself, even just non-sexually (although sexual touch is lovely too!). Massage your aching muscles with a wand vibrator. Moisturize your whole body while gently kneading out the knots of tension. Grab a good lube and massage your nipples, the area around your genitals, and your genitals themselves – slowly and methodically, noticing how everything feels.

Try a little pain. This is totally optional, since not everyone finds pain sexy, but it can encourage bloodflow and greater sensitivity, so it’s worth a shot! You can slap, scratch, or pinch your skin, or experiment with nipple clamps, Wartenberg wheels, and other instruments of sadomasochism. Straight-up pleasure is nice, but pain can feel delicious too!

And finally… Don’t put pressure on yourself to get super turned on, or have an orgasm, or look hot while doing it, or anything. The traditional concept of foreplay paints it as a goal-oriented on-ramp, but sometimes it can just be play. If it leads to more, great! If not, great! Solo play is about getting in touch with your own body and your own pleasure, however that manifests for you.

Do you ever do your own foreplay? What are your favorite methods?

 

This post was sponsored by the wonderful folks at Promescent, who recently released a new collection of lubricants as well as a pepperminty arousal gel that I think lots of you would enjoy. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

What to Wear on Valentine’s Day

Kate Sloan

Not to get too Hallmark on you, but I kind of love Valentine’s Day. Unlike when I was younger, my enjoyment of this weird invented holiday no longer depends entirely on my partnered-vs.-non-partnered status at the time (although that is a factor) – mostly I just view Feb. 14th as an opportunity to celebrate the very notion of love. And what better way to do that than by dressing like a walking embodiment of romance?

As you can see from the collage of my past Valentine’s outfits above, there are some common themes in my overall philosophy for Valentine’s Day dressing… While you are (obviously) not in the least obligated to follow any of these directives, here are my core commandments for assembling a Valentine’s outfit, whether your plan is an over-the-top candlelit dinner with your sweetheart, a raucous “Galentine’s” celebration with some friends, or a solo hangout at home watching rom-coms!

Pink and red are key. The way I see it, this is literally the only day of the year when pink and red don’t look overly cutesy together. (Or rather, they do, but that’s the point.) Comb your wardrobe for anything pink or red and figure out how you can pair various items. You can go as subtle or as bright as you like – though of course, I favor a loud and proud aesthetic!

Go wild with hearts. This, again, is the only day of the year when you can wear as many heart-themed items as you want and people will think it’s… slightly less weird than they might otherwise. 😂💖 Tarina Tarantino does the best heart-shaped jewelry (unless you have Tiffany’s money, but honestly, I’ll take a flashy giant rhinestoned heart over a small understated silver one any day), and typing “heart” into the search bar of any clothing or accessories website will bring up a lot of cute stuff. Also great: anything floral-print or polka-dotted.

Choose romantic fabrics. What does this mean? Well, that’s up to you. I think some fabrics are traditionally coded as delicately feminine and thus romantic, like tulle, chiffon, and lace. But sensual fabrics like velvet, silk, and satin carry their own romanticism as well. Anything swishy and/or soft to the touch is a good pick. (And hey, if you’re a kinkster comme moi, maybe leather and latex are the most romantic materials you can think of!)

Dress to match your partner, if you have one and you’re both into that! What would normally seem ridiculous can just seem sweet on Valentine’s. Dressing in sync can be a visual manifestation of your luuuv.

Hide something fun underneath. Even if you’re not much for high-end hosiery and luxury lingerie (and I don’t blame you – that stuff’s expensive and high-maintenance, though it is beautiful), you could still delight your partner (or yourself) with some Valentine-y undergarments of some kind. MeUndies makes adorable matching heart-print underwear sets every year that are definitely worth a look!

Wear what your partner thinks you look hot in. This one is fully, 100% optional, because 1) you might not even have a partner, 2) you might not trust or prefer their aesthetic tastes over your own, and 3) you might not even know what they like you in, especially if it’s a new-ish relationship. But say your sweetie has told you they love you in striped stockings, or a well-fitting suit, or peeptoe heels, or with your hair slicked back – there’s no better occasion to wow your love with your choice of ensemble.

Go all out with your makeup, if you wear makeup (or if you don’t regularly wear it but want to on Valentine’s!). I like a classic smoky eye and red lip – that’s what feels the most romantic to me – but if you’ve got shimmery pink eyeshadow, or big fluttery false lashes, or iridescent pink lipstick, or stick-on hearts and cosmetic glue, by all means, use ’em! Be sure to consider longwear formulations if you’ll be out late and/or you plan on doing some kissin’.

Keep the weather in mind, because – while I do want you to look and feel excellent – in many places, it is snowy and/or freezing in February! Maybe you don’t want to be skidding around in your sky-high suede heels, or shivering sullenly in your translucent tights. If you must be impractical (and I get it), at least throw on a warm scarf and great coat when you go out, and maybe switch from boots to pretty shoes when you get where you’re going. Fashion is fun, but it’s not worth getting frostbite or a broken ankle for!

Wear what you feel sexy and gorgeous in. You can ignore every other rule here if you want, but this one is vital! Whether you’re making heart-eyes at your sweetie across a restaurant table, giggling with friends over a tipsy game of Spin the Bottle, or lounging solo at a cocktail bar with your favorite romance novel, you’re gonna wanna feel like a babe – whatever that means to you personally. Think about the times when you’ve felt your hottest/prettiest/handsomest and try to incorporate some elements from those past looks into your present one.

What do you plan on wearing for Valentine’s Day?

The 10 Best Things I’ve Ever Done For My Mental Health

Kate Sloan

When I got my first mental illness diagnosis in high school (seasonal affective disorder), I was bewildered. Up until then I had thought of myself as an eminently sane person, always sharp and on top of things. I’ve learned so much in the years since – not least of which, that mentally ill people can still be incredibly sharp and on top of things!

While I got that first diagnosis nearly a decade and a half ago, I haven’t always been great at managing my symptoms or processing my feelings. It’s been a slow learning process, and I still have a lot of work to do. But incase this is helpful info for any of you, here are the 10 biggest things I’ve done to improve my sense of mental and emotional balance and calm. A lot of these things are immensely complicated, though they may sound simple – but regardless, I’m glad to have done every single one of them.

Went on meds. This is an obvious one but it’s one you should at least consider if you’ve never tried it. For a long time I avoided asking my doctors about depression medication because I thought my low moods were mostly circumstantial, not neurochemical – but I eventually learned that depression easily masquerades as a simple reaction to shitty circumstances in your life. I went on sertraline (generic Zoloft) for a short period, but the sexual side effects (for me: genital numbness and inability to orgasm) were a dealbreaker. Years later, I went on bupropion (Wellbutrin), one of the only depression meds not known to cause sexual side effects. I’ve been on it for over a year now, and while I definitely still have my depressed days, overall my mood is markedly better.

Got a SAD lamp. Well, more accurately, my parents got me a SAD lamp – in 2007. Remarkably, it still works today even though I’ve never replaced the lightbulbs?! Well-played, Day-Light. This useful gadget shines bright, specially-toned light in your face, and is known to alleviate depression for some people, especially those with seasonal affective disorder. When I’m feeling lethargic and gloomy, I’ll often sit at my desk and read, write, or watch something on my computer while the lamp is on. About 30-45 minutes of daily lamp time does wonders for my mood and energy levels.

Moved out of an unhealthy living environment… and into a room with a much bigger window. A twofer! My last roommate, for reasons partly under her control, regularly aggravated my mental and physical health problems with her habits and behaviors. Maybe other people could live with her, but I sure couldn’t, so I got out of there and moved in with a friend – and I’ve felt much calmer, happier, and healthier since then. It helps that almost one entire wall of my current room is taken up by a ginormous window, since – as we’ve discussed – my depression is very responsive to light or lack thereof.

Started using marijuana medicinally. I mean, I use it recreationally too. But becoming aware of its potential therapeutic benefits for my particular body and brain was a game-changer. High-CBD strains are great when my anxiety throws me off the rails, while more THC-centric strains enable me to rediscover joy, laughter, and pleasure when I’m so depressed that these things feel inaccessible. Weed also helps enormously with my chronic pain – so, while I can’t really use it when I’m working and need to stay sharp, on many difficult days it helps me push through my physical and emotional symptoms so I can function and get stuff done.

Learned CBT techniques in therapy. I’ve been to several different therapists and most of them weren’t that helpful to me, honestly. I never found it terribly useful to talk through my day-to-day trials and tribulations with someone who lacked the proper context and knowledge to really help me (e.g. a familiarity with polyamory or kink). Cognitive-behavioral therapy, on the other hand, involves “homework” – assignments, whether written down or more experiential, that help you practice cognitive strategies for improving your moods and your life. Not everyone finds CBT beneficial, largely because it presupposes that your mental discomfort is at least partly the result of errors in thinking, rather than having a neurochemical basis. But errors in thinking do contribute to my depression and anxiety, and correcting those errors using CBT is often markedly helpful for me.

Codified my coping strategies. By which I mean: wrote them down in many places where I’ll see them every day, and eventually memorized some of them such that they will usually come to mind as plausible options even when I’m too depressed to think. This might sound small and obvious, but it’s not – my depressed brain is very bad at knowing how to even take small steps toward improving how I feel, so it’s important that I keep practicing and reminding myself of the coping strategies that work, in any way I can.

Subscribed to several podcasts I love. Podcasts are one of the first distractions I turn to when I need to take my mind off my emotional malaise. They pull me out of my own brain and absorb me with their stories and jokes. Whether I’m listening to a comedy advice show hosted by genial brothers, a sharp play-by-play of a famous historical incident, or a roast of a terrible movie, podcasts make me feel less alone, and less wrapped up in my own problems.

Strengthened my journaling habit. I’ve always journaled, but since developing mental health conditions, I’ve started to view this practice as less optional and more necessary. Emotional processing is immensely valuable, and I also like being able to look back at old journal entries and see that the things I was so scared about, or depressed by, rarely turned out to be as bad as they seemed. That knowledge and perspective gives me strength I would otherwise find hard to access.

Committed to daily to-do lists. Alexandra Franzen calls hers a checklist; call yours whatever you want! All I know is that before I started keeping a to-do list every weekday – which, incidentally, my dominant has access to – I was much more scattered than I am now. I had less of a sense of what needed to get done, and accordingly, less of a sense of how much I’d truly achieved by the end of a long day – and how much celebration that merited! Checking items off a list gives the brain a hit of dopamine that can be really calming and centering, for a depressed person or really for anyone. I highly recommend it.

Started talking about mental health with my loved ones more regularly. I feel like it’s become much more acceptable to discuss this kind of thing, publicly and privately, over the past decade or two. Although I am sometimes tempted to keep my struggles internal so I don’t have to trouble anyone else with them, I always feel better after talking through my moods with a trusted pal, partner, or family member. Their support is monumental.

What strategies have helped you most with your mental health?

10 Ways to Increase the Pleasure Quotient in Your Life

Kate Sloan

I’m a Taurus, which – according to many astrological authorities – means I am a born pleasure seeker. We Taureans are supposedly prone to seeking out magnificent foods, lounging in comfy clothes, pursuing mind-blowingly raucous sex, and just generally chasing “the finer things” in life. If you ever need advice on how to bring more sensual pleasure in your world, ask a Taurus!

On that note… today I have 10 suggestions for non-sexual ways to make your life more pleasurable. In a world like this, we need (and deserve) all the joy we can find. Here are some methods you could try…

 

1. Deepen your social connections and make new ones.

Okay, everyone likes to socialize in different ways, and feels juiced up by slightly different methods of socializing, so here are a bunch of suggestions you can take or leave. Invite a Facebook acquaintance to an improv show. Have brunch with your mom. Start throwing a monthly potluck dinner party for your friends and people you wish were your friends. Vow to eschew all shallow small-talk on Tinder and jump right into the deep end with every match. Strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to you at the bar, if they seem open to that. Go to local meetup groups for your various interests and hobbies. Invite some of your Twitter mutuals over for board games. Ask the dude at the coffee shop what he’s reading and whether it’s any good. Text an old friend and ask them how they’re doing.

Humans are social creatures, and even if you revel in your alone time (god knows I do), your brain might benefit from the boost of good neurotransmitters you can get from a positive social interaction. Look for ways to further infuse your life with what is, for you, a joyful-yet-manageable amount of socializing!

 

2. Upgrade the sensory details in your home. (Thanks to Kaja – @KajaEcho on Twitter – for this suggestion!)

I’m not asking you to buy a Ladurée candle and velvet bedsheets, although… you do you! Even on a budget, it’s possible to make small changes to the way your space looks, feels, smells, and sounds. Put up some printed photos of you and your loved ones. Mix a little lavender oil into your evening bath. Fall in love with some new musical artists and play them through a Bluetooth speaker while you fold laundry. Rearrange some furniture so your home feels fresh again. Put up some fairy lights to give your space some cozy charm. Change your laundry detergent to a new scent that makes you happy. Stock up on delicious teas and cute mugs to drink them out of.

These upgrades might seem small, but they can change the way you experience your home and your life. Try some stuff out and see what sticks!

 

3. Learn something new.

When you fall down a WIkipedia rabbit hole, or pick up a new musical instrument, or start practicing a new language, not only do you expand your mind and your skillset – you also potentially activate “flow state,” a mental space where focus and enjoyment combine with the pleasure of feeling challenged. Regularly being “in the zone” like this is linked to better moods and increased overall satisfaction with life.

Pursuing new skills and knowledge can also make you feel more capable and empowered, and that’s a pleasurable feeling!

 

4. Laugh more.

This has major effects neurochemically, so while it’s not strictly true that “laughter is the best medicine,” it can certainly help!

Your city (or a city near-ish you) probably has improv or sketch shows you could go to. Netflix overflows with stand-up comedy specials. Lots of people online are making hilarious and under-discovered videos and podcasts. Plus you probably have at least one incredibly funny friend who you haven’t talked to in a while. As the McElroy brothers would say, “Fill your life with laughter and love!”

 

5. Enjoy food and drink more deeply. (Feel free to skip this section if food and/or drink stuff is triggering or upsetting for you for whatever reason.)

When I polled people on Twitter about their favorite non-sexual ways to access pleasure, this was one of the big themes that emerged. Many people deeply enjoy not only consuming fine foods and drinks, but also the processes of making them, learning about them, and/or serving them.

How could you dig deeper into whatever pleasure you already get from food and drink? Would it excite you to take a cocktail-making class? To tour the best Mexican restaurants in your city? To learn to bake a cheesecake from scratch? Would mealtime feel more decadent if you had some new plates and bowls? Would you enjoy your evening glass of wine more if you took some time to learn about wine-tasting? Is your go-to favorite pasta recipe in need of a new flavor profile? Lean into any preexisting passions you have in this area and see how far they can take you.

 

6. Let art awe you.

When I think about all the art out there that I’ve never seen, or even heard of, it makes my head spin! You never know when you’re going to discover your next favorite movie/book/band. Art can change your life and your whole worldview – or it can just cheer you up on a sad day.

If you’re not sure where to start, ask some trusted friends for recommendations, or peruse lists online of “The Best 100 [Memoirs/Concept Albums/Romantic Comedies/Whatever] of All Time.” Keep an open mind and let all the beauty and brilliance wash over you.

 

7. Keep track of your pleasure patterns.

The question “What makes me feel good?” might seem fairly easy to answer – but the thing is, you only know what you’re consciously aware makes you feel good. There could be lots of things that bring you great joy and comfort but that you haven’t explicitly identified as such.

Keeping a “pleasure diary” of sorts would be a good way to figure this out. Next time a day or moment feels really good, take the time to make a note of the factors involved – who you were with, what you were doing, what was going on around you – and see, after a while, if you notice any patterns. This information will be useful in shaping your life to better suit you.

 

8. Spend more time in nature. (Thanks to Jaimee – @jaimeebell_ on Twitter – for this suggestion!)

I’m a pretty “indoorsy” girl, so I often forget this, but connecting with the natural world can be really uplifting. I love taking long walks while listening to podcasts. An ex of mine always felt better after a bike ride to the beach. A writer I admire tries to make time each day to stand barefoot on the earth. It might sound very woo-woo, but somehow, our petty human problems seem smaller in the face of our planet’s massiveness and beauty. Spend some time near water, or trees, or mountains, or even just urban botanical gardens. It’s cheerifying in a completely different way than, say, marathonning a TV show on your couch (although I love to do that too!).

 

9. Explore more non-sexual touch.

Get a massage. Ask your friend if they’d like to cuddle while you watch a movie together. Moisturize your entire body, slowly, while listening to soothing music. Spoon your partner in bed while really focusing on and noticing all the parts of their body that are touching yours. Use a vibrator on your neck and shoulders after a long day. Give your family really good hugs the next time you see them. Despite the way our culture teaches us (especially men) to be somewhat touch-phobic, touch is good for you and can potentially lift your spirits a lot.

 

10. Do work you care about.

Granted, capitalism doesn’t always leave us much time for this… but if you regularly spend even an hour a day on, say, Twitter or YouTube, maybe that time could be rerouted into something more productive and satisfying.

This could take the form of volunteering for a cause you feel strongly about, like canvassing for your favorite political candidate or taking calls at an emotional support hotline. Perhaps you’d like to start a “side hustle” you find meaningful, like writing a blog that would’ve helped you if it had existed when you were a teen (hello, it me), or starting a podcast that highlights marginalized voices. Maybe you want to take more steps toward one of your “big dreams,” like by taking a class on how to write a book proposal, or getting your pilot’s license. We’re all inundated with mind-numbing busywork at least some of the time, but anything you can do to bust yourself out of that will give your life a joy boost.

 

What are your favorite non-sexual ways to access pleasure?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

The Choc-Block: An Erotic Chocolate Cocktail

Kate Sloan

I recently received a Valentine’s-themed “care package” from a sex toy company I sometimes work with. Among its contents was a bottle of Shunga chocolate body paint, an “aphrodisiac” product made for the type of light food-play often recommended by Cosmopolitan et al. (Do vanilla people know that when they smear each other with whipped cream like these magazines suggest, they are engaging in sploshing?!)

I’m not exactly a food-play aficionado (I think the closest I’ve come to a sploshing scene, other than that one cakesitting party, was the time I ate an M&M that had become fused to my skin after I accidentally had sex on top of it), but when my friend Dick joked on Twitter that he’d happily try out this “body paint” on top of some ice cream, a lightbulb went on over my head: why not make a cocktail with this stuff?

I happened to have a smoky scotch on hand (Johnnie Walker Red is my fave at a low price point, and I wouldn’t dare mix something as pricey as, say, Laphroaig with a cheap-ass sex sauce), and thought the peppery flavor would go well with chocolate. I threw in some ginger bitters to round out the spicy flavor profile, although I bet this would also be delicious with orange or chocolate bitters. I didn’t add a garnish because I didn’t have any (FOR SHAME), but an orange peel – or even a little chocolate truffle skewered on a cocktail pick – would be excellent here.

An important note: as far as I can tell, this body paint – like other “edible” “novelty” sex items of its ilk – is not officially meant for consumption, and has not undergone the rigorous safety testing it would legally have to if it were advertised as a food product. I’ve been sipping this drink for a few minutes and haven’t died yet, but… partake at your own risk, okay?

With that out of the way, here’s the cocktail recipe I came up with, The Choc-Block (which is, yes, a tongue-in-cheek cockblocking reference in the name of this drink made with an… “aphrodisiac” product):

Mix well over ice (like, seriously, mix well – the chocolate is viscous and takes some time to incorporate). Strain into a glass over a big ice cube. Garnish if desired.

To my tongue, this drink mostly just tastes like a slightly mellower, sweeter version of the scotch I already enjoy. I might return to this recipe in the future if I want something boozy without the burn, or if I’m just looking for a refreshing dessert-y nightcap.

By the way, Shunga didn’t sponsor this post… I am just a fucking weirdo who likes to do strange stuff like this. I hope you enjoy this bev if you decide to make it yourself!