How-To

How to Last Longer in Bed

Kate Sloan

Ah yes, the perennial question sex educators get asked every day. It’s almost as ubiquitous as “Is my fetish normal?” and “Does penis size matter?” It’s that men’s-magazine staple, that heteropatriarchal battle cry, that insecurity-driven inquiry: “How can I last longer in bed?”

While I have issues with the premise of the question itself – which will become clear in the post to follow – I understand the reasons for it. People possessing penises are constantly told by our culture that those penises are the centerpiece of sex, and that a dick which fails to “perform” adequately is an unloveable, unwantable dick. This is bullshit, of course, but is understandably highly motivating for people who care about their partners’ pleasure (which we all should).

So here are some of my best tips for delaying ejaculation – keeping in mind that I don’t have a penis and these suggestions are mostly ones I’ve heard from friends and partners who do. It’s worth noting that some of these tips apply specifically to penetrative (vaginal or anal) sex, while some do not. That’s not the only valid type of sex, of course, but it is the type most often associated with the quest to “last longer.”

Practice. Kegel exercises (i.e. squeezing and releasing your pelvic muscles) and edging (i.e. approaching orgasm, backing off, approaching again, repeat ad infinitum) are both oft-recommended remedy regimens for coming too soon, because they help you learn to control some of the components of your ejaculation reflex. Self-control is a skill, and skills can be sharpened!

Masturbate beforehand. Many people report that this helps slow them down the second time around. Hell, I don’t even have a penis and it nonetheless takes me longer to come if I already came within the past few hours. Give it a shot and see how it affects you.

Change the order of events. You know you don’t have to give your partner an orgasm during penetrative sex, right? Make like Ian Kerner (wow, what a nerdy joke) and get your partner off first. Granted, this might not fly if their very favorite way to come is all over your dick, but it’s at least worth considering.

Think about something else. Not necessarily baseball, but… you get the idea. When my friend Brent and I interviewed the rapper Mega Ran on our podcast Question Box, for example, he told us he sometimes recites song lyrics in his head when trying to last longer. You could try focusing on deep breathing, or counting in your head, or recalling your favorite monologue from a Tarantino movie. Whatever works!

Use a delay spray. I recently had a chance to try out Promescent Climax Control Spray with my partner, and we’re agreed that we’re glad it exists. It uses a numbing agent called lidocaine to temporarily desensitize your dick. This has the disadvantage of potentially weakening your orgasm when you do finally have one, but that might be a small price to pay for getting to satisfy your partner in the way that you want to.

Wear a thick condom. Even if you don’t “need” condoms for contraception or STI prevention in your relationship, they’re still worth a shot for their desensitizing effects. Some companies even make condoms containing benzocaine to further numb you out, if that’s what you’re after.

Use hypnosis?? This is an odd one, but hear me out… My partner and I have experimented with planting the hypnotic suggestion that they’re not allowed – or in some cases, not able – to come before I do. Depending on your receptivity to, and experience with, hypnosis, this might be worth trying!

Slow down. Jackhammer sex is overrated – not to mention, in many cases, overstimulating. As long as it doesn’t bother your partner, try slowing down your thrusts and see how that changes your ability to last.

Switch positions. The time it takes to do this will allow your arousal to cool off a bit, plus some positions are anecdotally reported to slow down the onset of orgasm in the penetrating partner – mostly “cowgirl” (receptive partner on top) and the spooning position. Experiment to see which positions have this effect on you.

Change your definition of sex. Sex doesn’t have to end when ejaculation happens – and frankly, in many cases, it would be better if it didn’t! If you come “too soon,” just pull out some treasured toys, put your mouth to use, or get your fingers in the game. This is also a choice moment for not-strictly-sexual-but-still-enjoyable kinky activities like impact play or electrostimulation. Hell, after a few minutes spent on a “side quest,” you might even get hard again for round two.

Talk about it! In the vast majority of cases, the thing you’re so sexually insecure about isn’t actually that big of a deal – or at least, wouldn’t be if you talked it out with your partner(s). Find out whether their expectations of your boner are actually as high as you think they are. If not, take a load off and stop trying to manifest a superpowered dick!

What techniques have worked for you or your partner(s) in this regard?

 

This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at Promescent, who make that rad delay spray I was telling you about!

5 Rules For Better Online-Dating Interactions

Kate Sloan

Online dating is a beast. If you’re not careful, it can consume your life, with its alluring promises and gameified interface. This is especially true if, like many of us, you’re just not finding it that useful for its purported purpose: connecting you with people you’ll get along with. Sometimes Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid can feel like a pit of quicksand that sucks up all your time – and crushes your soul in the process. I often compare it to trying to find a diamond in a garbage heap.

In recent years, I’ve tried to streamline my online-dating habits by imposing a few rules on myself. These make my time on these sites and apps more efficient, by narrowing down my dating pool to only people I might actually enjoy talking to. Here are those rules, incase you want to try some for yourself…

Delete any message which does not specifically reference you/your profile.

I decided to implement this rule upon my most recent OkCupid rejoin, and as much as it is frustrating sometimes (SO MANY people just write “hi” or “hey,” or have clearly copy-and-pasted their message to multiple recipients!), it also simplifies things considerably. I no longer have to pick through every message-sender’s profile trying to decide if they merit a reply; the vast majority of contenders are taken out of the running immediately because they’ve failed to do the absolute bare minimum to even qualify for consideration.

This might seem like a harsh rule, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Whether you’re looking for a one-night stand, a long-term relationship, or anything in between, you want to connect with people who will put effort in. Good sex requires effort; good dates require effort; sustaining any kind of relationship requires effort. If someone puts in almost zero effort from their very first message – when they should theoretically be trying the hardest to impress you – then that attitude will probably extend to other aspects of any potential relationship as well. Hit “delete” and make room for people who are actually trying!

If someone doesn’t ask you any questions or give you anything to ask them about, stop talking to them.

Some people are bad conversationalists. While it’s nice to pick up the slack for them and try to make a convo work in spite of their shortcomings, it’s not necessary. Yet again, this comes down to effort. If they answer your every question like you’re doing an informational interview, and never ask you anything, frankly they don’t deserve the pleasure of talking to you.

There are exceptions, of course. Some people are neurodivergent in ways that affect their conversation style, and some people are just better in person or on the phone than they are via text. If you get the sense from someone’s profile that they might be more interesting than their shitty messages have led you to believe, feel free to give them another chance in a different setting (like a phone call, or an actual date). But you are not at all obligated to. You are an interesting, fun person and there will be other people who are more than happy to have fabulous, engaging conversations with you.

Don’t look at someone’s profile for very long before messaging them.

I would say that on a platform with short profiles, like Tinder, you shouldn’t spend more than a minute looking at anyone’s bio – and on sites where profiles provide more information, like OkCupid, you should give yourself 3-5 minutes, tops. Online dating can be staggeringly time-consuming, especially if you fall into the trap of thinking you have to know you’re into someone before messaging them. Your gut feeling about a person is probably accurate, whether you find them intriguing or boring.

Some people online-date like they’re picky eaters wandering through a grocery store, examining each vegetable for discolorations, carefully reading every ingredient on the back of every cereal box. Others online-date like they’re grocery-shopping while hungry for a particular meal: they speed-walk through the store, mercenarily grabbing each item they need and shoving it immediately into their basket. Research about the paradox of choice shows us that people who spend a long time weighing the pros and cons of each option actually tend to be less happy with their eventual decision. So don’t waste time poring over profiles in an effort to understand the minds of strangers you might not even ever have a conversation with, let alone a relationship. Get in, get out, and then get back to your life.

If someone’s profile makes you laugh or smile, message them to tell them why. (Unless it’s mean.)

Try not to overthink this too much; make like Nike and just do it. Sparks of recognition or excitement while reading someone’s profile are depressingly rare – “Hey, I get that joke!” “I watch that TV show too!” “This picture is so goofy and cute!” – so you might as well chase them when they crop up. These are the types of shallow cues that can lead to a deep connection if pursued, so keep an eye out for anything in a profile that authentically delights you.

Of course, you can just send a quick note saying [x thing] cracked you up or piqued your interest, but you’re likelier to get a good response (or a response, period) if you add at least one question. If they referenced your favorite show, ask them which episode they love the most and why, or which character they most relate to. If they’re posing with a parrot in a funny pic on their profile, ask them about the circumstances that led to them meeting a parrot. You get the idea.

Suggest going on a date as soon as you’re comfortable doing so.

When I first started online-dating, I only wanted to physically meet up with someone after we’d chatted via text for at least a few weeks. I wanted to feel fairly certain that this new crush wasn’t a serial killer (or an awful conversationalist) before agreeing to hang out with them. I also wanted to learn enough about them to determine whether I was attracted to them. But I realized pretty fast that you can actually gauge all of these things better in person than you can via text. Even the most suave texter can be horrible in person, or at least just not what you were expecting. Better to find that out sooner than later, I say!

The easiest transition into a date-ask is to bring up an activity or event that the two of you might be interested in checking out together. If they mention they’re into improv, tell them about a specific show that’s coming up and ask if they’d like to go with you. If they say they like cocktails, ask if they’d like a date to that cool new cocktail bar that just opened in your city. Whatever it is, make sure it’s specific and soon, ideally within the next week – any longer and you could lose interest, or they could, or both. If and when the date actually happens, you’ll be able to learn quickly whether this potential relationship is destined to soar or to fall flat.

 

Do you have any rules for yourself when you look for dates/hookups online? What are they?

How to Make a Long-Distance Goodbye Easier

Kate Sloan

You know how they say “sadness is the price we pay for love”? I’ve never felt that more strongly than in a long-distance relationship.

Saying goodbye to a local partner is NBD; you know you’ll be seeing them next Tuesday anyway, and that if an emotional emergency before then necessitated their presence, you could just swing by their place. But goodbyes with long-distance partners can be heavy: you’ll soon be once again unable to touch and kiss this person you love to touch and kiss, and you may not even know when that gap will be closed again. There’s no way around it: it sucks.

This melancholy interaction may be inevitable, but there are things you can do to avoid falling into a pit of despair every time. I say this as a woman who, nine months ago, broke down in tears on the floor while clutching my partner’s leg because I so desperately didn’t want them to leave: things need not always be this dramatic! Here are some habits I’ve picked up that have made these long-distance farewells easier to handle…

Stay in the moment. It’s very easy, the day that one of you’ll be headed back home, to spend all day long fretting and crying about how sad it is that you have to part ways. But that’s a trap, and it robs you of the thing you’ll miss most once they go: quality time with your beloved. Try to stay focused on your partner right up until you have to start dealing with travel logistics – it’ll be easier to let them go if you know you made every moment count.

Sort out your travel well in advance. Nothing kills the good vibes at the end of a long-distance date faster than freaking out about last-minute travel mishaps. Plan your route to the airport, bus station, etc. during a calm moment so you won’t have to do it during a sad, scary one. Check in for your flight on your phone so you don’t have to rush. Make sure you know where your passport is. The more of this stuff you get out of the way earlier, the longer you can enjoy your sweetheart’s company for.

Reminisce on the highlights of your date. My partner and I do this as part of a ritualized “debrief” at the end of each of our dates. We go back and forth listing our favorite things we did together on that visit, both sexual and non-sexual. It lets us process those experiences together while lifting our moods and getting us excited about things we want to do again sometime. This is one way we try to leave our dates on a happy note.

Plan your next date. This isn’t always possible, because travel is a fickle mistress (not to mention expensive), but if you can figure out when you might next see each other, it helps. Life might well throw a wrench into your plans, but at least it’ll give you something to look forward to in the meantime.

Exchange tokens of affection. Temporarily losing your physical connection with your partner is really hard; exchanging physical gifts of some kind can help mitigate that feeling of lack and loss. You could lend them a T-shirt that smells like you, or leave them a bruise on their ass as a badge of honor; they could give you a stuffed animal to cuddle, or write “Remember I love you” on your arm. There are a lot of ways to leave a little piece of yourself with someone so they feel like you’re still there even when you go.

Say goodbye alone and in a quiet place, if possible. I learned, after one particularly painful goodbye in a New York City subway station, that farewells in loud, public areas make me feel disconnected and unresolved. I need concentrated time with my partner right before our paths diverge. This could be as elaborate as an intimate last-hurrah date in the corner booth of a fancy restaurant, or as simple as sleuthing out a quiet alcove in the train station for one last heart-to-heart before “all aboard.” You’ll feel better if your last few minutes together feel just as connective and intimate as the high points of your date.

Reflect and process. You’ve already discussed your date with your beau; now it’s time to sit with all those feelings on your own. Journaling on my homebound plane ride is always my favorite way to do this – I’ll write about the best parts of the date, any questions or worries it left me with, and how it all felt. This process helps me transition back into my “real life.”

Be gentle with yourself. It is totally okay – normal, even – if you feel sad for a few hours or days after bidding your love adieu. Try not to beat yourself up if it takes you some time to “get back to normal” emotionally. I often find that this type of sadness comes with a bodily sluggishness that makes it harder for me to accomplish anything once it sinks in that we’re apart again, so I try not to schedule anything rigorous or anxiety-provoking within the first 12 hours of my arrival home, if not more. It’s an act of self-love to observe your own patterns in this way and set boundaries or make adjustments accordingly.

Stay in touch. Like a kink scene, a long-distance date shouldn’t end with you just disappearing – there’s gotta be aftercare! Try to be available to your partner for texting, emails, phone calls, or your other conversational medium(s) of choice – maybe even more available than usual. Both of you might still be feeling pretty mushy-hearted, and there might be more to talk about and process. Plus, of course, knowing you can still talk to someone easily can make it a lot easier to stomach their physical absence.

Notice what works and doesn’t work for you, and adjust. If you have some goodbyes that particularly suck, or some that are unusually easy, it’s worth discussing together: what factors contributed to this outcome, and how can we adapt our future approach with this new knowledge in mind? All the above tips are practices my partner and I have come to after many, many months of trying different strategies and talking about our feelings. It’s half-trial and error, half-scientific method. It can’t erase our pain entirely, but it offers us a toolbox for managing that pain.

How have you handled goodbyes in long-distance relationships? Got any tips (or warnings)?

10 Ways to Make a Blowjob Kinky

Kate Sloan

Blowjobs are gleefully discussed and pontificated upon in all sorts of vanilla sex media, from Cosmopolitan to the Sunday Night Sex Show. However, that doesn’t mean they’re a strictly vanilla activity. Like most sex acts, BJs are as kinky as you choose to make them.

That said, sometimes kinkifying a sexual activity is easier said than done… so here are 10 suggestions for ways to infuse a little D/s or fetishistic fun into your next blowjob. (And to be clear, these work just as well for strap-on BJs as they do for sucking bio-cock!)

1. Dirty talk. This is one of the easiest ways to bring a kinky narrative into your blowjob. As the giver, whenever your mouth isn’t full, you can talk about how good your partner’s cock tastes, what a desperate slut you are for them, how much you enjoy serving them (or controlling them), and so on. As the receiver, you can spin stories about the purpose of the blowjob (is it a punishment? a privilege?) and who you imagine your partner to be in relation to you (your good girl/boy? your tormentor? your slave?). A raunchy monologue or dialogue is a fantastic way to keep your erotic imagination as engaged as your body is.

2. Hair-pulling. Sharply tugging someone’s hair at the root will certainly get their attention, and may also enable you to guide their head where you want it. It adds elements of sadomasochism and control to your blowjob, without a ton of effort required.

3. Distraction play. It’s tons of fun to use your mouth to try to distract someone from a task, like writing, playing piano, or reading aloud from a book. (“Hysterical Literature,” anyone?) Some people like to do this in riskier situations, like while the receiver is on a business phone call, but I think that crosses into “involving non-consenting parties in your play” territory. You can certainly pretend to do that, though!

4. Sensory deprivation. It’s even easier to focus on the sensations in your mouth when your other senses are limited in some way. This may involve a blindfold, noise-canceling headphones, or both. As an added benefit, this may be particularly relaxing for receivers who are insecure about how they look or sound while being sucked off.

5. Bondage. Try cuffing the giver’s hands together behind their back; it makes a blowjob instantly kinkier and more difficult. You could also try strapping them to a bed and fucking their face, if they’re into that (see below), though that’s an advanced-level move that should only be undertaken by confident experts! As for the receiver, they can be immobilized in various fun ways too, with cuffs or rope, making them helpless and unable to do anything but feel the sensations being bestowed upon them.

6. Deepthroating. This nifty move is a staple of the blowjob porn genre, and for good reason: it’s a dramatic, impressive party trick that can also feel really good, so I’m told. Depending on the dynamics at play, deepthroating someone’s cock could either be a submissive act of service, designed to please them by taking them as deep as you physically can, or an act of dominance through mastery, controlling them by giving them pleasure with your sheer competence. Either way, it’s a fun skill to learn and practice. Check out these “7 Essential Tips to Help You Deep Throat Without Gagging” for more on this.

7. Facefucking. Once you’ve mastered the art of deepthroating, you may be able to take things even further by getting your face fucked. This act can look violent and scary from the outside, but then, so can a lot of kinks. Always start slow, and make sure the two of you agree in advance on a “safe-signal”: a gesture or action the “facefuckee” can do if they need the “facefucker” to stop immediately. Some common options include tapping or slapping your partner’s thigh, shaking your head back and forth repeatedly, or dropping a small object you’ve been holding.

8. Roleplay. There are all sorts of different characters and archetypes you could project onto a blowjob to make it more illicit and hot. The roleplay can last the length of the BJ, or it could be a whole extended scene that culminates in oral sex. In either case, playing a role can help both partners release their inhibitions and find new ways to enjoy this tried-and-true sex act. Some popular relationships to roleplay include teacher/student, doctor/patient (or doctor/nurse), boss/secretary, masseuse/client, and sex worker/client – but you can be as creative and original as you like!

9. Hypnosis. This requires a special skillset, of course, but it’s not as hard to learn as you might think – pick up a copy of Mark Wiseman’s book Mind Play and you’ll soon be equipped to start hypnotizing people in sexy and consent-conscious ways. You could trance a BJ-giver into having a more sexually sensitive tongue or throat, being totally focused on the service task they’re performing, or becoming more and more deeply mesmerized the deeper they take the cock into their mouth. Likewise, you could give the BJ-receiver suggestions that’ll make them feel pleasure more strongly, feel as if they’ve been cuffed to the bed, or sink deeper into trance with every wet stroke of their dick. Hypnokink is magic!

10. Cock-slapping. This always makes me laugh in porn, but when it’s actually happening to you, it can be surprisingly intense! To be clear, I mean the kind of cock-slapping where the BJ-receiver grabs their dick and smacks it against the cheek/lips/face of the person sucking them off – which is delightfully rough and degrading – but you could also actually slap a cock in between oral interludes, if the receiver is into that. For certain kinksters, intermingling pleasure with pain is the fastest route to arousal!

What are your favorite ways to add some kinky flair to a blowjob?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

10 Things I Wish I’d Known About Pegging

Kate Sloan

The sex act known as pegging is most often written about, in my experience, by two groups of people: vanilla straight people advising other vanilla straight people on how to do it, and, uh, Dan Savage.

Needless to say, this means that a lot of pegging-related media doesn’t provide a full picture of what pegging actually entails and what can make it hot. So here I am, harnessing (ha!) all my queer, kinky experiences with this act to tell you some stuff I wish I’d known before I ever strapped a dick onto me and pushed it inside a butt. Gather round!

1. Lube, lube everywhere. This should be obvious to anyone who’s ever done any kind of anal play, but, you know, a lot of couples attempting pegging for the first time probably never have! You should drizzle a good, butt-friendly lube all over the dildo you’re using, as well as on the outside of the ass you’ll be penetrating. You really can’t overdo it with lube in this case. Go hard or go home!

2. Positioning aids are your friends. Don’t be a hero: it’s okay to accept help with pegging, even if that help comes from a piece of foam meant to elevate the receptive partner’s ass. My Liberator Jaz is my favorite tool for this; slid underneath my partner’s hips before penetration, it makes insertion a whole lot easier and seems to improve contact between my dildo and their prostate. Plus the outer lining can be zipped off and laundered, always a plus for lube-heavy, potentially messy sex acts.

3. It’s okay to be particular about your cock. Why does queer and trans media know and accept that it’s okay to be picky about which strap-on dicks you’ll use, but so much cis-hetero media describes your choice of strap-on as a logistical consideration more than an important personal decision? Answer: because LGBTQ+ folks are typically more used to using “accessories” during sex, to make the experience both physically and emotionally better, so we have more opinions on said accessories. Anyway, regardless of your sexual orientation or gender, if you’ll be wearing a strap-on, you deserve one that makes you feel great – gender-wise, aesthetics-wise, and otherwise-wise. My cock of choice is a glittery Godemiche Ambit and it makes me happy every time I strap it on.

4. Your choice of harness matters. Again: you are allowed to want to customize your setup; you don’t just have to grab the first velcro-strap harness kit you spot at the sex shop! Obviously there may be financial reasons you’d want to go with something simple, but that doesn’t mean you have to pick an ugly harness that you hate, in the name of practicality. You should feel hot in your harness! My Aslan Jaguar is easy to put on and take off, and it makes me feel (and look) gorgeous.

5. Try on your setup before the crucial moment. Much like I would never advise a teenage boy to try condoms for the first time right before having sex (YIKES), I would strongly suggest you get your harness and dildo properly configured long before you’ll be using them to fuck someone. “Show time” has the potential to be awkward enough already without you struggling to get your leg through the straps and your dildo right-side-up! Try getting into and out of your setup a few times so you know exactly how to do it, and maybe have your preferred dildo already in the harness for faster assembly. You and your partner will thank me!

6. Be careful and pay attention. If you’ve never done anal play before, then I wouldn’t blame you for not knowing this, but: a butt is far more delicate than a vag, so you have to fuck it a bit differently. Certainly don’t just ram it in there. Go slower than you think you need to, watch your partner’s face closely, and ask them a lot of questions for guidance. You might be able to thrust with wild abandon once they’re used to the sensation and you’ve got enough lube in the mix, but for the most part, assume you should slow your roll.

7. “Strap-on sex” is a more inclusive term. What even is “pegging,” anyway? Much like “guyliner,” it’s a term adopted by the cis-het community to soothe toxic concerns about the “unmanliness” of things traditionally understood to be for women and/or queer people. Besides which, the term “pegging” was coined to refer to a woman fucking a man with a strap-on, and that may be a limiting word if you or your partner don’t fit neatly into those gender categories. It’s okay to call it “strap-on sex” – and once you do, you might open yourself up to even more sexual possibilities. (There’s far more you can do with a strapped-on cock than just stick it in an ass!)

8. Non-physical types of pleasure are perfectly valid. Based on the influx of “couples’ vibes” and vibrating strap-on accoutrements, it seems like straight cis people are overly hung up on the idea of both partners receiving pleasure at the same time. Queer folks, by contrast, are often used to “taking turns” during sex, in my experience. While there are a whole lotta bells and whistles you could add to your strap-on setup to make it more pleasurable for the wearer (e.g. a bullet vibe tucked behind the dildo, or a ridged base that rubs against you with every thrust), sometimes it’s also fun to just embrace that a particular sex act won’t be directly pleasurable for you, and that’s okay. After all, your partner can get you off at a different point in the sex session, and taking the emphasis off your own junk will help you focus better on fucking your partner well. And that is its own type of pleasure.

9. It’s not humiliating (unless you want it to be). Pegging is too often depicted (especially in straight porn) as a man submitting to a woman’s will by “letting” her fuck him. It’s often presented as humiliating, emasculating, and painful. Now, I’m extremely perverted and am certainly not going to deny you your kinky dynamic if that makes sex more fun for you, but I want you to know that power play doesn’t have to be a part of your pegging sesh. Things can be totally vanilla and equitable between the two of you – or the receptive partner can even be the dominant one in the scene, as I’ve learned when dommy partners have tugged on my leash to force me to fuck them harder. That said, if “submissive bottom” and “dominant top” is truly your dynamic of choice when it comes to pegging, go right ahead and make that happen!

10. It can be super romantic. I’ve honestly found few sex acts as intimate and connective as pegging. Needing to focus that closely on my partner really points out to me how cute and hot they are, and the trust they put in me by letting me fuck them is an incredible compliment. Though some people wax poetic about “lovemaking” in more traditional forms like penis-in-vagina sex, I’ve felt that gooey emotional closeness more often during pegging than during PIV!

What do you wish someone had told you about pegging before you did it?