Love & Relationships

How to Date When You Have Anxiety

Kate Sloan

“You should write a blog post about how to date when you’re an anxious person!” my friend said excitedly, as we gossiped about boys (and mental health struggles) over lattes and cupcakes.

“HAAHAHAHAHAhahahaha,” I replied. “I have no idea how to deal with my anxiety while dating. I barely even manage it myself. How can I tell other people how to do it?”

The more that I thought about this exchange, though, the more I wondered if I could actually be more helpful than I’d realized. I don’t think you have to be an expert in order to help someone. The experiences you’ve had, and the lessons you’ve learned, can be of use to others even if you’re still in the midst of your own journey.

So, with that in mind, here are some things I’ve learned about navigating the dating world when your brain’s fear-meter is a little out of whack. I hope this helps you, at least a little.

1. Enlist socially competent friends.

It feels a little “high school” to constantly text friends whenever anything happens with your crush, I know. But if you’re lucky enough, as I am, to have friends who appreciate (or at least tolerate) this behavior instead of blocking your number, I think you should let those friends support you and help you.

Here are some examples of ways my more socially skilled friends have saved my ass when anxiety was clouding my brain:

• I texted my pal E., “[Boy] said he might want to see a movie with me today, but now I feel like it would be too forward for me to text him and ask him about it!” E. reminded me, “[Boy] said he wanted to see a movie with you, so it’s not forward,” and then suggested a possible wording for the text I could send. What an angel.

• I spoke to a number of friends about the situation with a boy I liked, and several of them said, “Go for it!” I wasn’t really sure what this meant, precisely. I asked my friend E. what he meant when he said “Go for it” and he said, “Tell him you like him, or ask him out.” Ahhh, okay, I thought. The specificity helped.

• While chatting with my friend A., I listed a bunch of things that [Boy] had said and done the last time we hung out, all of which I thought were ambiguous and could have been flirty or just friendly; I really didn’t know. When I finished, A. laughed for a good minute and said, very sarcastically, “Yeah, he’s totally just into you as a friend.” Her third-party viewpoint helped me see what my anxiety had been hiding from me.

• Soon before my last break-up, I realized I didn’t actually know how to break up with someone. People kept telling me, “Just get it over with!” and “Be respectful but firm!” but I was missing basic information like where to do it and what to actually say. My pal A. helped me rehearse a little script and weighed the pros and cons of various break-up locations with me. We even discussed what to wear to a break-up, because that’s the kind of thing I worry about.

See? Friends can be sooooo helpful when your brain is being your worst enemy.

2. Journal about it.

Where would I be without journaling? Maybe dead. Definitely sad and confused.

I find journaling absolutely essential as an anxious person because it helps me process all my zillions of thoughts. I can go on a 5-page-long ramble about all the worries and insecurities I have around a particular situation, and by the end of it, a) those thoughts no longer occupy my brain quite so firmly, and b) I can see very clearly just how ridiculous those thoughts are. Journaling gives me some distance, some objectivity.

I can also tell you from firsthand experience that it is hilarious to re-read your old journal entries from the nervous beginnings of relationships. “You silly twit,” you’ll shout at your past self, “of COURSE he meant he liked you when he said ‘I like you’!!”

3. It’s okay to be honest.

Sometimes when I start dating someone, or even when dating seems possibly imminent, I’ll bust out a little speech. It goes something like this:

“Hey, so, just so you know, I have anxiety. That means that sometimes I’ll get really nervous around you and act weird. It doesn’t mean I feel uncomfortable or unsafe with you; it’s just how my brain works. I also might need a little extra reassurance and validation from you sometimes, because my anxiety is always telling me that people don’t like me and that I’m worthless. So if you could try to assure me once in a while that you actually do like me, that would be really helpful. I’ll try not to be too weird.”

People tend to respond favorably to this kind of honesty, actually. Some people even find it adorable. (That’s a whole other can of worms – my mental health issue is not cute, okay?! – but it’s certainly better than them shaming me for my anxiety or dumping me because of it.)

4. Find your self-care practices and use them.

Here are some things I like to do when I’m getting ready to go on a date or to spend time with someone I like:

• Spend ages choosing the ideal outfit, doing my makeup and hair, and making sure I look adorable. (Some would call this obsessive, maybe, but it helps me calm down.)

• Make sure I know, with 100% certainty, where we are going, how much it’s going to cost, what time I have to leave my house in order to get there on time, and any other relevant information. (I eliminate all possible stressors. This is an act of self-love and self-protection.)

• Play Scrabble on my phone while traveling to the destination. (It calms my brain somewhat, by giving me something to focus on besides my stomach-curdling fear. Podcasts and music also help.)

• Breathe deeply and slowly. (“Fear is just excitement without breath,” after all.)

Whatever your own self-care and self-calming practices are, make sure you actually remember to do them when you need to. It might be helpful to write them on a card and keep them in your wallet, or set them as your phone background, or whatever. Keep ’em close and do ’em often.

5. Assess the situation objectively.

As objectively as you can, anyway. I know it’s difficult.

If you find yourself thinking an anxious thought – for example, “He doesn’t like me anymore!” – look for evidence of that thought. Odds are, there won’t be as much as you thought (or any).

Then look for evidence of the opposite thought (e.g. “He likes me a lot!”). There will probably be some.

Breathe. It’s okay. Your fear is inside your own head and nowhere else. You don’t have to listen to it. It doesn’t reflect reality.

Anxious folks: how do YOU navigate the dating world without vomiting on your suitors’ shoes?

How to Give a Killer Compliment

Kate Sloan

Giving good compliments is a vastly underrated superpower.

Talk to someone calculating, cunning, and cold, and they’ll tell you all about the manipulative powers of compliments – how you can use them to get someone in your sway.

That may be true, but that’s not what I mean when I call compliments a superpower. What I mean is that you have the power to turn someone’s day around. Maybe even to turn their life around.

Here’s how I know that’s true: I can track the evolution of my self-esteem by what compliments I received and when. The first boy to call me “pretty” when I was 12. The older man who told me I had a cute philtrum at 14. The freshman-year girlfriend who called one of my Facebook selfies “scintillating.” The sophomore-year FWB who raved about how soft my labia felt in her mouth. The senior-year boyfriend who called my dorky honesty “sexy.” The college boyfriend who went on and on (and on and on!) about my soft skin, handjob skillz, and on-point winged eyeliner.

(Ooooof. I am glowing with happiness just from writing those out! See what I mean about the power of compliments?)

Self-love gurus will tell you self-acceptance comes from within, and I think that’s true – there were times when I just wasn’t in the right headspace to hear, accept, and digest compliments. But I think a well-timed compliment, given with love and by the right person, can give you the shove you need on your journey toward self-love. That’s definitely how it worked for me.

Here are some tips on how to give a compliment that can literally change someone’s life…

Be genuine.

This should go without saying, and yet, it’s important enough that I have to say it. If you compliment someone, make sure you mean it! I’m sure you can find something about practically anyone that you like enough to compliment them on, even if it’s just their shoes or the way they pronounce a certain word.

Pay attention to what they put effort into.

I promise you, you will absolutely make someone’s day if you notice something about them that they evidently care about and then compliment them on it.

It might be physical: their perfectly-blended eyeshadow, color-coordinated outfit, or spiffy new haircut. It might be an aspect of their personality: their bravery, intelligence, humor. It might be something they do particularly well: playing guitar, baking brownies, or maintaining a flawlessly curated Pinterest page.

Notice this stuff. Say something about it. Let them see that their efforts have been appreciated.

Compliment what’s rarely complimented.

I learned this trick because I grew up smart but plain-looking, and I had a friend who was beautiful but only got average grades. She was constantly told how pretty she was, and it eventually made her doubt herself in other areas (intelligence, humor, etc). By contrast, I was frequently praised for being clever, which made me wonder if I was unimaginably hideous. What other explanation could there be?

While making sure to remain genuine, look for something that your complimentee probably doesn’t get praised for very often. Something other people tend to gloss over, ignore, or just don’t see.

Use unusual words.

A few reasons for this:

1. Your compliment will seem more genuine, intentional, and thought-out if your language isn’t generic. It shows that you had to actually scan your brain and select the best word from a number of different possibilities, instead of reaching for what came easiest.

2. Weird and wacky language is more memorable. You want your complimentee to remember your comment for days, weeks, months, or even years, instead of just forgetting it the moment they say “Thank you.” So choose words that will stick in their head (in a good way!).

3. The way our brains work, we actually absorb information better if it’s given to us in a way that requires a little mental effort. Words like “beautiful” and “amazing” are thrown out so often that we barely hear them or process them. A rarer word requires additional processing and is therefore likelier to sink in.

Instead of “beautiful,” try “radiant,” “dazzling,” or “foxy.”

Instead of “great” (as in, great shoes, great hair, great outfit!), try “exquisite,” “groovy,” or “magnificent.”

Instead of “sexy” or “hot,” try “ravishing,” “captivating,” or “delectable”!

And don’t forget to throw some strange adverbs in there. “Very,” “incredibly” and “totally” can be replaced with words like “astonishingly,” “strikingly” and “exceptionally”! (If this kind of language feels too formal/fancy for you, I can personally attest to the effectiveness of “hella” as a pre-compliment adverb.)

Let go of expectations.

It’s suuuuper annoying when someone compliments you and then just stares at you, like they want you to… what? Compliment them back? Deny the truth of what they said? Confess your love and elope with them to Paris?

Please don’t ever make someone feel like they owe you something in exchange for your compliment. A “thank you” is pretty much all you’re owed – maybe not even that. (Some people have been socialized in such a way that it’s hard for them to say “thank you” when they’re complimented, so they might deny what you’ve said. Please don’t argue with them too much. There are social and psychological reasons why they do this – and your compliment likely lifted their mood even if they don’t act like it.)

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

5 Ways to Bring More Romantic Energy Into Your Life

Kate Sloan

Is it February already? Seriously?

Okay, I promise I won’t complain too much. Single people whining about Valentine’s Day = so boring and played-out. I refuse to fall into that trope!

However, yeah, if you’re single – and even if you’re not – Valentine time can be hard. But I’m here to help! Here are some ways to bring more romantic energy into your life in a jiff, even if you feel “forever alone” or unloveable. (Trust me, babe, you’re not.)

1. Change your phone background to a picture of someone who makes your heart flutter. Yes, we’re starting with a super easy one.

I don’t recommend doing this with a picture of a person you see regularly (e.g. your psychology professor, your best friend who you’re secretly in love with, or your older brother’s cute bandmate), simply because there is a small chance of them seeing it and thinking you’re a weirdo.

But if there’s a celebrity, fictional character, etc. who makes you feel a little blushy, giggly and swoony, load up your phone with their face. You’ll get a hit of juicy joy every time you spot your lock screen.

2. Tell someone cute that they’re cute. This one is harder, but I promise it’s worth it!

I think our high-tech world has made us shyer, more insulated from one another. I’m not gonna rant at you about the desensitizing effect of technology because, honestly, I’ve made some of my best and deepest social connections via the internet – but I do think a tech-centered lifestyle has the potential of making you meeker than you’d otherwise be. Fight that comfy impulse!

“You’re cute” is a really great starter compliment for shy folks (like me) because, although it’s bold, it’s not overly committal. It’s not “I have a crush on you” or “I want to date you” or anything that will make you too vulnerable for comfort; it’s just “You’re cute.” Which can be construed as romantic, or not. Go tell those words to a cutie; you’ll feel brave and powerful, and they’ll feel adorable and desirable. Win-win!

3. Consume media that features people you’re attracted to. You probably already do this. I know I do.

Type your actor crush’s name into YouTube or Netflix’s search box and binge-watch as needed. Read another book by that clever genius who lights up your heart and mind. Flick through the Instagram or Tumblr of that internet pseudo-celebrity whose tweets you find so hilarious.

Continually and deliberately fill your life with reasons to feel smitten. ‘Cause that shit feels good.

4. Switch up your soundtrack.

Music + the human brain = true magic. Or the potential for it, anyway. That’s what I think.

Go on Spotify, 8Tracks, Last.FM, or another music-discovery tool of your choice, and do a search for playlists that fit the juicy/sexy/crushy mood you’re trying to generate. Whether you end up listening to cute love songs or intense sexy songs, you’ll feel more in line with yummy romantic energy than you did before you started.

5. Visualize romance, whatever the hell that means to you.

I think visualization is a criminally underrated capability of the human mind. You can literally picture – and, in a way, experience – anything you want. Some spiritual worldviews say that visualizing a particular event can help attract that kind of event into your life – but even if you don’t buy that, it still feels damn good!

My mind wanders a lot so I often find it easier to write down a particular fantasy/daydream and then read it over. The act of committing it to paper helps focus my vision and get me deeper into the feeling I’m trying to create. But if freeform imaginin’ works for you, you can do that too. And wonderfully, you can do it pretty much any time you feel like it. Including while you’re commuting. Or sitting in a boring class. Or lying in bed trying to fall asleep.

If you’re not sure where to start, give these prompts a ponder… If (your crush/love) was with you right now, what would you want them to say to you? How would they look at you? What would that feel like? What’s the absolute best compliment they could give you? If they sent you a love letter, what would you want it to say? If they gave you the perfect kiss, what would that be like? How would they initiate sex with you (or you with them)? What kinds of sounds would they make? Where would they put their hands on your body, and what would that feel like? What kind of cuddler would they be? After sex, what would they whisper or moan or mumble into your ear?

Oh, good gracious. I am already feeling a heck of a lot better about the single life. Excuse me; I’ll be in my bunk.

What do you do to make your life feel sexier and more romantic on a regular basis?

How to Enjoy Your Unrequited Crush

Kate Sloan

Sex writing is my jam, but when I’m not thinking about sex, I’m often thinking about its closely related sister: love. Crushes. Infatuation. Limerence. Whatever you want to call it. It may or may not be linked with sex in your mind, but it’s definitely still linked inextricably with sex in the world at large – so when I think about one, I often consider the other.

One love-related idea I keep coming back to, especially now that I’m single and too busy and distracted to date, is this: having a crush on someone can feel good, even if nothing comes of it.

I first learned this in high school. I was obsessed with the cutest boy ever (who, incidentally, walked past me on the street recently and tried to pretend he didn’t see me, which was actually what prompted me to write this post). I confessed my feelings and he straight-up told me he wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t want to date me.

It hurt like hell, of course, and I cried for a few days and pined after him for a few months (okay, maybe more than a few), but there did eventually come a time when I fully accepted his disinterest in me, and the fact that we would never be together – and after that, somehow, the crush became fun again. I anticipated running into him in the halls. I joyfully succumbed daily to the swoony feelings that overtook me whenever I saw him smile. I laughed at his jokes without worrying how that would be construed. I wrote about “Rejection Boy” sightings in my journal and relished them. It gave me a strange sort of pleasure.

Similarly, I also had a huge crush on my philosophy teacher in high school – and because there was absolutely zero chance of us getting together (what with him being 15+ years older than me, married, and employed by my school), I was able to fully enjoy those early stages of infatuation without it ever progressing to the agony and distress of real romantic yearning.

I learned that infatuation fuelled me, both emotionally and creatively. It made me want to get out of bed in the morning, put effort into my appearance, put effort into my life. It made me want to write, make art, say and do important things. Infatuation was like a potent blend of caffeine, LSD and Prozac, but without the side effects. From that time forward, I tried not to let myself fall into the trap of lovelorn sadness anymore – I tried to focus on the happy side of crushes, on what they could do for me, on what I could make them do for me.

Having experienced this love-magic and having thought a lot about how to replicate it, I think I’m qualified to share with you some tips for how to make your potentially painful romantic longings into an uplifting, cheerifying element of your life.

1. Accept that nothing’s going to happen.

Obviously this only applies in cases where you actually know (or think it very likely) that nothing’s going to happen with that person. Maybe your circumstances or theirs don’t allow for dating right now; maybe you know for a fact that they’re not interested; maybe you only like certain qualities about them but know they wouldn’t actually make a good partner; maybe they’re in a monogamous relationship, or you are; maybe one of you is moving away soon. Whatever the case may be, if there’s no chance of anything happening, accept that.

It’s my belief that the majority of romantic agony we experience (and maybe the majority of any emotional agony we experience) stems from the belief in what could be, and that possibility never coming to fruition. If you eliminate that element, you’ll eliminate a lot of your discomfort. It sounds depressing and bleak, but sometimes it’s the least depressing option you can take in that situation.

2. Identify what you feel when you’re around your crush, and enjoy those feelings.

A swoop of nausea. A herd of stomach butterflies. A fiery blush. A giggle fit. An intense, palpable desire to close the physical distance between you and your beloved.

Whatever you feel when you’re around them, try to identify and isolate what those feelings are. When you can pick them apart and notice them specifically, instead of just letting them wash over you and stress you out, then you can start to enjoy them.

Just as it’s exhilarating to finish a race or perform in front of a crowd, it’s also exhilarating to be around someone who makes your body feel like you’ve just done something equally stressful or scary. Certain people make you feel hyped up and blissed out – so long as you can recognize all those different sensations as adding up to a happy rush.

3. Figure out how you can make your crush into a productive force.

Get out your paints, guitar, journal or other creative outlet of choice, and get to work. As Nellie McKay says, “Come on, use the pain – drink up from the rain.” Sadness can suck but you’ll feel better about it if you turn it into something awesome.

Likewise, ask yourself what you can learn from this experience, and accordingly, what changes you can make. Maybe your crush doesn’t return your feelings because you have some bad lifestyle habits that they view as a red flag; you could change those. Maybe things didn’t work out because your crush got involved with someone else before you could gather the nerve to ask them out; you could work on your courage and confidence. Maybe the rejection made you feel like no one will ever love you (oh, babe, no!); you could work on your self-love and overall attractiveness. You get the idea.

I think one of the key differences between mopey, stagnant people and happy, dynamic people is the way they choose to look at their hardships. You can allow your troubles to define you and drag you down, or you can choose to view them as jumping-off points for greater adventures. I bet you know which option I recommend!

How do you deal with unrequited love?

5 Things I’m More in Touch With, Now That I’m Single Again

Kate Sloan

God, I can’t believe that prior to my break-up this past weekend, it had been over three years since the last time I was single. I mean, wow, man. In high school I sort of conceptualized myself as a “forever alone” type, so it’s truly astonishing to me that I was in a relationship for that long – that someone actually liked me enough to want to be with me and stay with me.

But what’s even more astonishing is that I wanted to be single again, which is what prompted the break-up – and that I’m enjoying the hell out of it already. Yeah, I miss my ex occasionally, like when I see a movie he would’ve liked or when something hilarious happens to me that I wish I could tell him about – but the benefits outweigh the costs and I am loving the single life.

Here are 5 unexpected things I’ve been getting back in touch with, since my break-up…

1. My natural cycle.

Well, not quite yet, but soon. Yes, an exciting announcement: I’ve gone off hormonal birth control!

While I dig how it’s kept my periods regular and my skin relatively calm, I’ve never been thrilled about pumping myself full of hormones, especially given that I’ve got a family history of breast cancer, a fact that doesn’t bode well when mixed with estrogen. And of course, birth control comes with a host of possible side effects, which, for me, included increased cramps, premenstrual irritability, depression, and sometimes suicidal ideation.

I’m looking forward to seeing what my ovaries and uterus will do when left to their own devices. A couple years before going on HBC, I was diagnosed with a benign ovarian cyst that really messed with my cycles, but it had shrunk considerably at the time that I started on the pill, so it’s possible it’s gone completely now – in which case, I might actually have regular periods! Hooray!

2. My natural vaginal aroma.

Uh, yeah, totally TMI. Sorry-not-sorry.

When I’m sexually active, I’m always worrying about vaginal smells, even though I consider myself body-positive and my partners have always told me not to concern myself with that stuff.

I mean, when I knew I was going to receive oral sex for the first time at age 16, I snuck away to the bathroom and gave myself a pre-cunnilingus scrubdown with DivaWash. And the girl told me I tasted slightly soapy so probably I shouldn’t have bothered.

Well, anyway. Now that no one’s face is down there regularly, I’m being less obsessive about keeping things pristine in that region. And it’s nice. I’m discovering that I actually don’t hate the way I smell. Maybe it’s the changes I’ve made to my diet and exercise routine lately, but the fragrance is actually kind of… sweet. Earthy. Natural. Lovely. Hmm…

3. Flirty energy.

Holy shit, this is blowing my mind.

I may have mentioned here before that my ex and I had an “arrangement” – a compromise between his desire for total monogamy and my complaint that the lack of flirtatious possibilities in my life was making me feel dead inside. (It’s possible that I’m a bit melodramatic.) We had negotiated that we were both allowed to flirt with and kiss other people, on a don’t-ask-don’t-tell basis. (That part wasn’t my idea. You might be able to tell from my blog that I always prefer to talk things out and be 100% honest, but the boyf just wasn’t into that.)

Well, despite this tiny negotiated degree of openness, I never felt quite right about flirting with other people while I was “taken.” I hated hiding it from my partner, and I felt like it was somehow dishonest to the people I was flirting with, too – like they’d believe it could go further than it actually could. Kissing was the hard limit; some folks tried to push past that boundary, thinking surely it would be okay, and I always had to stop them, even though it felt really unnatural to do so.

Obviously, all this guilt and concealment also meant that I couldn’t blog about my adventures, lest they be read by the boyfriend or by a relative or family friend who didn’t know about our monogamishness and wouldn’t have understood it if they did.

Now that all barriers to flirtation have been wrecking-ball’ed into oblivion, I can flirt as much as I damn well please. I haven’t really taken advantage of this fact yet – hell, it hasn’t even been a week yet – but just the option is making me feel giddy and enlivened. And if anything does happen, I can blog about it with wild abandon!

4. Being sexy in public.

By “in public,” I mostly mean “online,” because that’s the kind of person I am: an introvert and a geek. But I’m working on it.

Another thing my boyfriend didn’t like me to do was post naked or otherwise scandalous pictures of myself online. When you’re living in monogamy-land, this sort of makes sense, but every time I mentioned it to my poly friends, they’d be outraged on my behalf. “He doesn’t own your body!” they’d cry. “You can do what you want with your own tits and ass!”

I had really conflicted feelings about this, and I still do – but the fact remains that I do indeed hate the feeling of someone thinking they get to decide what I do and don’t do with my body. Sure, I understand why a monogamous partner wouldn’t want me to share my sexuality with another person… but I don’t consider my naked body to be an inherently sexual thing. Posting those pictures isn’t sexual for me; it’s an act of self-love, a confidence booster, a bold declaration of my womanhood and body-acceptance and unconventional beauty. It feels good, not illicit, and it feels like something I ought to be able to make my own decisions about.

Well, now that I’m single, I can. I’ve been posting as many (anonymous) naked pictures as I feel like posting. I’ve been enjoying the comments, guilt-free. Ohhhh yessss.

5. Being alone.

I don’t mean being single. I mean being physically alone. Being in a room that no one else is in. And not stressing that I “should be” spending time with someone. Just being.

The death knell of my relationship was when I realized that spending time with my partner had started to feel more like an obligation than a joy. It was another thing on my list that I had to do, like completing my sociology readings and emptying the dishwasher.

I have great love and fondness for my ex, but when someone is your Boyfriend-with-a-capital-B, it’s expected that you spend a lot of time with them. They expect it, and so do other people in your life. As an introvert, and someone with a lot of schoolwork and work-work on my plate, that got to feel like a lot of pressure. And the pressure to spend time with him sucked the joy right out of it.

Last night I was lying in bed reading a book, and I stopped and just thought to myself, “There is nowhere I’m supposed to be right now. There is nothing I’m supposed to be doing. There is no one who’s disappointed that I’ve decided to take tonight for myself.” And that realization was BLISSFUL. I sank down into the covers, took a long sip of tea, and buried my head back in my book. Mmm, heaven. Sheer heaven.

Look, I’m not saying the break-up didn’t make me sad. It did. And I’m not saying I’m never lonely, because sometimes I am. But by and large, I can see that this was the right decision for me. I’m thrilled with my life right now, even though I’m busy as hell with school and work and people keep asking me in hushed tones whether I’m “okay.”

I am more than okay. I’m reclaiming myself.

What was the best part of your last break-up? Got any advice for me on this journey of “finding myself” again?