Love & Relationships

A Dating Site For Non-Monogamous People

Kate Sloan

One of the biggest questions I get from readers – whether they’re kinky, demisexual, polyamorous, or any other off-the-beaten-path sexual minority – is “How do I meet people like me?”

It’s a fair question. When you’ve grown up already having non-standard sexual desires, it’s easy to feel isolated – and since the fulfilment of these desires often hinges on meeting other humans who are also into them, the whole ordeal can sometimes feel futile. “Why did I bother figuring out my shit and coming out,” you might wonder from time to time, “if I can’t meet anyone halfway decent to explore this stuff with?!”

Enter SwingTowns: a dating and networking site for swingers, polyamorists, and non-monogamists of various other stripes. Hallelujah!

When I signed up for an account, I was instantly impressed with the multitude of options SwingTowns offers its users to identify their gender and sexual orientation. These drop-down menus include (for gender) butch, crossdresser, femme, genderfluid, genderqueer, intersex, man, other, trans – F to M, trans – M to F, transgender, and woman, and (for sexual orientation) asexual, bicurious, bisexual, “bisituational,” gay, heteroflexible, homoflexible, lesbian, other, pansexual, queer, straight, and unsure. While these lists certainly aren’t exhaustive, I’m not sure it’s possible to make an exhaustive list of all the ways people can identify – and SwingTowns certainly has most other dating sites beat in this regard.

I also like that you’re able to choose to identify publicly as poly (“looking for friendships and emotional connection that may evolve into sex later”), a swinger (“looking for sex or sexual activities that may evolve into more sex and friendships later”), both, neither, or “other.” These are pretty broad categories, and certainly not all poly people or swingers would agree with the definitions given, but I do notice a pretty distinct schism between these two types of non-monogamist and their proclivities and codes of ethics in the communities I run in, so it’s nice to be able to state upfront what your basic relationship style is. You can also create a profile as either an individual, a couple, a polycule (3 or more people), or a club/group.

SwingTowns supplies good prompts for (optionally) filling out sections of your profile – it asks you, for example, what kind(s) of person you’re looking for, what your fantasies and desires are, and “Is there anything else you want people to know about you?” It doesn’t require your real or full name, and it doesn’t require photos that show your face.

As one would hope for a site of this nature, SwingTowns has granular privacy settings which allow you to change, for example, which users can see your photos, who can message you, who can see your profile at all, and so on. There’s also a blocking feature, and a reporting feature, though I can’t say for sure how robust these are (I have yet to find a dating site/app that really emphasizes safety and an anti-harassment stance as fervently as I would like). You can also filter out particular demographics – say, straight men – from your searches, though it’s unclear to me if you can ban them from being able to see you altogether. (You can, however, easily just reject every request you get from a straight man trying to view your profile or message you.)

I have had a few exchanges with actual humans on SwingTowns – mostly with couples seeking a unicorn for a threesome, or dudes “looking for some fun” – but many of the messages I’ve received on the site have been invitations to groups or meetups for swingers local to particular areas near me, like Hamilton and Niagara. To that end, I wonder if this site might be especially useful for non-monogamists who also happen to be vanilla – there’s a fair number of non-monogamy groups and events listed on FetLife, the social networking site for kinksters, but despite the high rate of overlap between the kinky community and the non-monogamous community, not all eschewers of monogamy are perverts in other ways!

The FetLife comparison is apt, because like that site, this one is nowhere near as slick and modern as a high-budget dating site like OkCupid. The interface is often clunky, confusing, and hard to navigate. For example, when someone requests access to my profile, looking at their profile doesn’t bring up options to accept or reject their request – as far as I can tell, you have to do that from the email SwingTowns sends you to notify you of the request. The site sends a lot of emails, by the way: I would recommend examining your notification settings ASAP upon joining, so as to shut off the deluge of emails you’re sure to receive – unless you want them!

There’s an ill-considered Tinder facsimile that shows you a photo of a user and allows you to “pass” on them or “like” them, but often the photos don’t contain faces or any meaningful details because this is the type of site where people would largely rather remain anonymous (understandably), so the “swiping” system is pretty hard to use successfully – especially since, when you click on someone’s photo to try to learn more about them, very often access to the person’s profile is restricted and has to be specifically requested. I can see how it would be challenging to create a system where people can feel safe sharing their private info (even just the fact that they’re non-monogamous, which, to some people, is very private info) while also making it easy to sift through potential matches. SwingTowns’ system is far from perfect, but it’s a noble attempt and I think they’ll keep working to make it better.

You can upgrade to SwingTowns’ premium membership plan for $17/month (last I checked, anyway) or a discounted “lifetime” price. Similar to OkCupid’s “A-List” membership and other such services, this one gives you better search tools for finding matches, advanced privacy settings, and a few other perks that would make it easier to use the site. However, the basic features would work just fine for connecting with other non-monogamous people, groups, and events in your area – which, of course, is the whole point. It may not be the most polished dating site on the web, but given how hard it can be to find experienced and enthusiastic non-monogamous folks on standard dating services, I think the trade-off in ease of use is worthwhile for the types of connections you could make on a site like this.

 

This review was sponsored, which means that SwingTowns paid me to write an honest, fair review of their service. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

34 Nice Things to Do For Your Long-Distance Partner

Kate Sloan

Long-distance relationships are more prevalent than ever, so there are more people than ever who live every day in a perpetual state of missing someone. That sucks – but on the plus side, because of technology, it’s also easier than ever for long-distance couples to stay integrated into each other’s lives.

Cobbled together from my experiences and imaginings, here are 34 things you could do for your long-distance partner that will brighten their day and make them feel closer to you. A note: lots of these require money, but lots do not. Financial privilege (or lack thereof) is definitely a factor in how easy or hard it is to connect with your long-distance sweetheart, unfortunately. My hope is that you’ll find at least some new things to try on this list that are accessible to you. 💜

Establish a routine. The unpredictability and instability of LDRs – particularly if you’re never sure when you’ll be able to get together next – can be really draining. It’s nice to know you can still count on your partner’s presence in some form, even when they’re not physically present. So set some regularly-scheduled date nights and stick to them as well as possible. Show each other that you can count on one another, and on your relationship.

Send them food. If you lived in the same city, you’d be able to make them meals or take them to restaurants – but sending food from afar is the next-best thing if you can’t do those. Make use of services like Seamless and Uber Eats to keep your partner well-fed, if they want that. (This is particularly nice when they’re too sick or busy to figure out their own meal plan.)

Send them stuff they need. If you can make your partner’s life a little bit easier, don’t you want to? If they’re running out of toilet paper, low on cooking oil, or all out of laundry detergent, you can use the magic of the internet to get those things to them and save them a trip to the store. (Again: particularly great for a sick or busy partner.)

Send them stuff they want. You know, like presents? There doesn’t necessarily have to be a reason. Sometimes you just see something in a store and think, “Wow, my partner would love this.”

Share your calendar with them. This is a small-and-yet-big way to demonstrate your trust for your partner and your desire for continued intimacy with them. It’ll make them feel more involved in your life, because they can always see at a glance what you’re up to.

Send “good morning” and “good night” texts. Simple. Easy. Cute. Nice.

Read to them. Listening to your voice, over the phone or on Skype, might be the closest your partner can feel to you when you’re far apart. One lovely way to use your voice – especially at the end of a long day when they might be too emotionally drained to converse much – is to read to them. Books, articles, posts from your 2007 LiveJournal… Whatever appeals!

Send them flowers. My partner has done this for birthdays, anniversaries, and sadder occasions like a death in my family. It always, without fail, makes me feel special and loved. Plus it brightens up my room in a very physical, visible way, which my partner would also do if they were here!

Send them something to cuddle. A stuffed animal, or perhaps a body pillow. (My partner and I have long wanted to go to Build-a-Bear together to make a Matt-lookin’ bear I can snuggle when I miss them.)

Count down the days to your next visit. You can do this in some kind of app, in your shared calendar, or just daily via text. It shows your partner that you miss them and are excited to see them again – and it can make you both feel more in control of a situation that often feels very disempowering.

Wear a reminder of them. A piece of jewelry they gave you, a shirt you borrowed from them, their collar, whatever. You’ll feel closer to them when you wear it, and they’ll feel closer to you too when they see it in pictures (see below).

Send them selfies. One a day, or more, I say! Going without your partner’s physical presence for long periods of time is slightly easier when you can at least look at them.

Send them (consensual) nudes. I mean, of course. If they find your body sexy in person (which they likely do), they’ll find it sexy in pictures too. They can also use those pictures as “reference images” the next time they want to fantasize about you in a private moment, naw’m sayin’?

Send them snail mail. Love letters are underrated in this day and age! Their rarity also makes them likely to be a pleasant surprise for their recipient. Get out some nice stationery and hop to it!

Introduce them to your friends and family. They probably feel somewhat disconnected from your “real life” because of the distance. Keeping them acquainted with the important people in your life can help them feel more incorporated into your life.

Remember and acknowledge important days. Are they nearing the anniversary of starting at their current job? What about the anniversary of their grandmother’s death? Is their favorite TV show returning for another season? Does your bisexual sweetheart need some extra love and praise on Bi Visibility Day? Remembering this type of thing might seem small, but it shows your partner that you pay attention to them and are there for them.

Give them keys to your place. They may never even use or need them, depending on your situation(s), but it’s a nice gesture to give them a set anyway. It’s a romantic expression of “mi casa es su casa.”

Post pictures of the two of you on social media. One of the hard things about being in an LDR is that you can’t “be seen together” in the usual ways – at parties, family functions, shows, and so on. Social media can achieve a similar effect, however. Your love will feel special knowing you love them enough to show them off on Instagram.

“Sleep with” them. Just leave your phones/webcams on all night (if data plans and other technology constraints allow for this). It’ll comfort them to hear you softly breathing nearby, the way they would if you were right beside them in bed.

Reminisce on memories with them. Yes, they’ve already heard these stories – they, in fact, lived them – but verbally reviewing your special memories together can help you feel closer. “Remember that time we…”

Take time off to see them. This isn’t always possible, due to Capitalism™ – but if you’re at all able to completely step away from your work and other responsibilities for the duration of your visit, it’ll make it that much better. It sucks to be distracted by work when you want to focus on your partner. Maybe you could even reshuffle some vacation days so you get more time with your beloved instead of, say, taking off as much time for the holidays as you usually do.

Send them pictures of what you’re doing. The lunch you just made, the club you’re at, a weird billboard you saw on your walk to the subway. These little glimpses of your life help your partner feel closer to you.

Create a shared photo album online. If you both have iPhones, this is a built-in functionality via the cloud, though other systems probably have something similar. If you keep all the pictures of your adventures together in one place, you can scroll through them for comfort whenever things are hard.

Cheer them on. If they have a big presentation, performance, or project on their docket for the day, make sure they know you’re in their corner. You can be just as effective a cheerleader from afar as you could from nearby.

Leave them a piece of your clothing. To you, it may just be a sweaty old T-shirt; to them, it could feel like a security blanket.

Make them a playlist. A millennial love ritual if there ever was one. Bonus points if it’s tailored for a specific purpose – like a mix of jams for a party they’re throwing, or an assortment of your favorite showtunes because they mentioned wanting to get more into musical theatre.

Help them take care of themselves. As their partner, you may be able to see patterns they can’t – like that they put off grocery shopping too long when they’re stressed at work, or they socially isolate themselves when they’re depressed. Gentle reminders can be enough to keep them on the right track, self-care-wise.

Skype them into events. The people you’re partying with can say hi to your partner, and they can see what you’re up to and feel like they’re there too.

Consume media together. Sync up a Netflix movie while you’re talking on the phone, read the same book and discuss it, listen to their favorite band’s new album from start to finish together… Local couples have lots of opportunities to hit the cinema or check out concerts together, but long-distance couples have to get a bit more creative to share similar experiences.

Take them on “phone dates.” The two of you can each get dolled up and go out to a place in your respective cities – a bar or restaurant, say – and then talk on the phone while you’re there, as if they’re with you. The establishment’s staff might think you’re a little weird, but it won’t matter to you, because you’ll be on a date with your sweetheart!

Get good at phone sex, Skype sex, and/or sexting. If sex is important to both of you, you probably miss it a lot when you’re apart… so figure out ways to be sexual together when you can’t actually touch. Tina Horn’s book Sexting is a great place to start if you want to brush up your skills.

Give them a sexual stand-in for yourself. A Clone-a-Willy of your dick, perhaps, or a Fleshlight meant to represent your vag. A nice thing about sex toys is that you can use them whether you’re apart or together.

Surprise them with a visit. This is an advanced-level move, because it requires intimate knowledge of a) your partner’s schedule and b) how they react to surprises (some people hate them). But if you think they’d be open to it, and that they have time to spend with you, it’d probably make them really happy.

Talk about the future. So much of #LongDistanceLyfe is spent waiting for the next visit, and the next, and the next; it can make you feel like you’re on a sad hamster wheel of heartbreak, a Skype-era Sisyphus (try saying that five times fast). If you have plans to eventually move to the same place, live together, get married, or anything else, it can be soothing to talk about those plans from time to time. It’ll keep you both focused on your goal, and less bogged down by the daily difficulties of your situation.

 

What nice things do you like to do for long-distance partners?

Equality is Not Necessarily Symmetry

Kate Sloan

Tristan Taormino writes in her legendary non-monogamy guide, Opening Up, “Some people have confused equality with symmetry.” She’s talking about open relationships, and how sometimes it can cause tension between partners if one of them goes on lots of dates and the other doesn’t. But this insight jumped out at me when I first read it, because it applies to so much in relationships, especially non-normative relationships.

Take, for example, Dominant/submissive dynamics, the likes of which are discussed in salacious detail on websites like OMGKinky and, um, this one. From the outside, those connections may look completely imbalanced. The Dominant tells the submissive what to do; the Dominant might have more freedoms and options available to them, while their sub might have more responsibilities and limitations; it might appear that the Dominant always gets their way. But on the inside of this relationship – provided it is healthy and ethical – both participants know that they each have an equal say in what happens between them. The lending and borrowing of power is powerful for them both because it was and is a voluntary decision, made from an even playing field.

Another area where the “symmetry =/= equality” concept works is in relationships between people whose mental health situations differ drastically – whether one partner struggles with mental illness and one doesn’t, or they each have a different diagnosis. Partners in these situations will simply have different needs from one another, and that’s fine. Sometimes I feel bad that my partner takes care of me more than I take care of them, but they don’t need the amount and types of care that I need, because they don’t have my issues. Not only that, but they’ve explicitly told me many times that they like taking care of me – so our “asymmetrical” relationship isn’t inequitable at all.

Even something as simple as differing temperaments or love languages can make a relationship asymmetrical-yet-equitable. Maybe one needs a lot of alone time and the other doesn’t; maybe one loves receiving oral sex in the morning but the other hates having their sleep interrupted; maybe one feels loved when their partner sends “good morning” and “good night” texts but the other doesn’t need the same in return. Whatever the case may be, as long as both partners are able to figure out an arrangement that works for them, they both need not get exactly the same treatment from each other. It’s fine if your needs and wants are different from your partners’.

What this all boils down to is internalizing the simple human truth that we’re all different people, with different preferences and needs and boundaries and desires. It doesn’t work to impose exactly the same everything on both people in a relationship; that’s not a flexible enough strategy for the vast complexity and randomness of human personalities. What’s ultimately important is that you’re both getting equal amounts of what you want. That’s a metric you can use to test your relationship’s equality – so that you can get back to your delightfully asymmetrical activities together, guilt-free.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Make a Long-Distance Goodbye Easier

Kate Sloan

You know how they say “sadness is the price we pay for love”? I’ve never felt that more strongly than in a long-distance relationship.

Saying goodbye to a local partner is NBD; you know you’ll be seeing them next Tuesday anyway, and that if an emotional emergency before then necessitated their presence, you could just swing by their place. But goodbyes with long-distance partners can be heavy: you’ll soon be once again unable to touch and kiss this person you love to touch and kiss, and you may not even know when that gap will be closed again. There’s no way around it: it sucks.

This melancholy interaction may be inevitable, but there are things you can do to avoid falling into a pit of despair every time. I say this as a woman who, nine months ago, broke down in tears on the floor while clutching my partner’s leg because I so desperately didn’t want them to leave: things need not always be this dramatic! Here are some habits I’ve picked up that have made these long-distance farewells easier to handle…

Stay in the moment. It’s very easy, the day that one of you’ll be headed back home, to spend all day long fretting and crying about how sad it is that you have to part ways. But that’s a trap, and it robs you of the thing you’ll miss most once they go: quality time with your beloved. Try to stay focused on your partner right up until you have to start dealing with travel logistics – it’ll be easier to let them go if you know you made every moment count.

Sort out your travel well in advance. Nothing kills the good vibes at the end of a long-distance date faster than freaking out about last-minute travel mishaps. Plan your route to the airport, bus station, etc. during a calm moment so you won’t have to do it during a sad, scary one. Check in for your flight on your phone so you don’t have to rush. Make sure you know where your passport is. The more of this stuff you get out of the way earlier, the longer you can enjoy your sweetheart’s company for.

Reminisce on the highlights of your date. My partner and I do this as part of a ritualized “debrief” at the end of each of our dates. We go back and forth listing our favorite things we did together on that visit, both sexual and non-sexual. It lets us process those experiences together while lifting our moods and getting us excited about things we want to do again sometime. This is one way we try to leave our dates on a happy note.

Plan your next date. This isn’t always possible, because travel is a fickle mistress (not to mention expensive), but if you can figure out when you might next see each other, it helps. Life might well throw a wrench into your plans, but at least it’ll give you something to look forward to in the meantime.

Exchange tokens of affection. Temporarily losing your physical connection with your partner is really hard; exchanging physical gifts of some kind can help mitigate that feeling of lack and loss. You could lend them a T-shirt that smells like you, or leave them a bruise on their ass as a badge of honor; they could give you a stuffed animal to cuddle, or write “Remember I love you” on your arm. There are a lot of ways to leave a little piece of yourself with someone so they feel like you’re still there even when you go.

Say goodbye alone and in a quiet place, if possible. I learned, after one particularly painful goodbye in a New York City subway station, that farewells in loud, public areas make me feel disconnected and unresolved. I need concentrated time with my partner right before our paths diverge. This could be as elaborate as an intimate last-hurrah date in the corner booth of a fancy restaurant, or as simple as sleuthing out a quiet alcove in the train station for one last heart-to-heart before “all aboard.” You’ll feel better if your last few minutes together feel just as connective and intimate as the high points of your date.

Reflect and process. You’ve already discussed your date with your beau; now it’s time to sit with all those feelings on your own. Journaling on my homebound plane ride is always my favorite way to do this – I’ll write about the best parts of the date, any questions or worries it left me with, and how it all felt. This process helps me transition back into my “real life.”

Be gentle with yourself. It is totally okay – normal, even – if you feel sad for a few hours or days after bidding your love adieu. Try not to beat yourself up if it takes you some time to “get back to normal” emotionally. I often find that this type of sadness comes with a bodily sluggishness that makes it harder for me to accomplish anything once it sinks in that we’re apart again, so I try not to schedule anything rigorous or anxiety-provoking within the first 12 hours of my arrival home, if not more. It’s an act of self-love to observe your own patterns in this way and set boundaries or make adjustments accordingly.

Stay in touch. Like a kink scene, a long-distance date shouldn’t end with you just disappearing – there’s gotta be aftercare! Try to be available to your partner for texting, emails, phone calls, or your other conversational medium(s) of choice – maybe even more available than usual. Both of you might still be feeling pretty mushy-hearted, and there might be more to talk about and process. Plus, of course, knowing you can still talk to someone easily can make it a lot easier to stomach their physical absence.

Notice what works and doesn’t work for you, and adjust. If you have some goodbyes that particularly suck, or some that are unusually easy, it’s worth discussing together: what factors contributed to this outcome, and how can we adapt our future approach with this new knowledge in mind? All the above tips are practices my partner and I have come to after many, many months of trying different strategies and talking about our feelings. It’s half-trial and error, half-scientific method. It can’t erase our pain entirely, but it offers us a toolbox for managing that pain.

How have you handled goodbyes in long-distance relationships? Got any tips (or warnings)?

2 Psychological Tricks For Conquering Hard Feelings in Polyamory

Kate Sloan

I’m a psychology nerd. I minored in psych at university, and have seen various therapists over the course of my life to help pick apart my tangled psyche. After all this exploration, two of my favorite psychological frameworks are dialectical behavior therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy.

I’ve found these methodologies especially useful in dealing with difficult polyamory-related emotions lately, so I thought I’d write a bit about the two key strategies I use when those feelings rear their head.

Emotion regulation through opposite action

DBT teaches us that when you’re feeling an emotion that’s irrational (i.e. it doesn’t fit the facts of the situation you’re in), you should do the opposite of whatever that emotion is telling you to do.

I find this helpful in polyamory because my most difficult poly feelings are, frankly, irrational. Fears that my partner will leave me for someone else, that him dating someone else means I’m unattractive, or that I’m being rejected – these all go against the higher-level decision I’ve made to be polyamorous, based on my ethics and ideas about relationships. These fears are holdovers from the monogamous culture I was raised in, and they neither make sense nor serve me now that I’m practicing polyamory. So it’s often helpful to do the opposite of what the irrational feelings are telling me to do.

Some examples:

  • When my partner is out on a date with someone else, a feeling of betrayal or rejection might come up, and it might make me want to push him away or say something mean to him. I could do the opposite action by writing him a love letter to show him later, mentally reviewing some of my most romantic memories with him, or texting to say “Have a good time!”
  • When my partner is infatuated with someone new, it might make me feel rejected and alone, especially if I’m not dating anyone else at the time. The emotion might tell me to self-isolate, stay home, and cry – so I can do the opposite action by making plans with friends, taking myself out to a restaurant, or watching a stand-up comedy special on Netflix.
  • When hanging out with a metamour, I might feel inferior or anxious, and it might make me want to avoid interacting with them. I can do the opposite action by striking up a conversation with them, being nice to them, and looking for their likeable qualities.

These “opposite actions” can often feel totally artificial, and it can seem counterproductive to do the opposite of what an emotion is telling you to do, without actually dealing with the emotion. But in my experience, a “fake it til you make it” approach can actually be really helpful with these types of feelings. If I find that being nice to my partner when I feel rejected creates an equally good or better result than not being nice, I’ll be likelier to want to be nice to him the next time that feeling comes up. It’s a way of teaching my brain the appropriate responses to these situations, and learning to trust that positive and proactive action is good for me.

Refuting your own thoughts

CBT offers us the technique of making “thought records”: you write down a situation to which you had a strong reaction, identify the emotion(s) it triggered, determine the thoughts or beliefs you have that are related to that emotion, and then look for evidence for or against those emotionally-charged thoughts or beliefs.

You don’t have to actually write out a worksheet every time if you don’t want to; you can do an abridged version of this process mentally. When I have a strong, irrational feeling, I look for the thoughts and beliefs supporting that feeling, and look for evidence for or against those beliefs. There’s always more evidence against them, because they’re irrational.

Some examples:

  • If my partner is on a date with someone else and I get sad and scared that he’s going to leave me for that person, I can review text screenshots, love letters, etc. to remind myself that he’s committed to me for the long haul. (It’s often helpful to collect these positive reminders in one place, like a box on your desk or a folder on your phone, so you can look at them when you need them.)
  • If I’m worried that my partner’s new crush means he’s not attracted to me (or has perhaps never been attracted to me), I can review old messages that dispute this, look at my sex spreadsheet to see all the times we’ve fucked, and mentally revisit the look in his eyes when he sees me naked.
  • If I’m worried that my partner’s new relationship will prevent him from spending enough time with me, I can remind myself of other times he’s juggled multiple relationships before and how well he did it. I can also reach out to gather evidence against this belief directly from him (e.g. “Can you promise me we’ll still have at least 2 dates a week?”).

If you encounter evidence supporting your irrational belief (e.g. “A partner left me for someone else in my previous relationship”; “My partner has seemed less attracted to me lately”), I would strongly recommend bringing up that stuff with your partner(s) so they can offer some kind of refutation or explanation. It will put your mind at ease and is much better than obsessively ruminating on these thoughts by yourself.

Do you use CBT and/or DBT skills to support your relationship(s)? I’d love to hear about it!