Love & Relationships

“Daydream Porn” – or, 8 Sentences I Always Wish Romantic Interests Would Say to Me

Kate Sloan
Not sure if I have any pictures of me actually being flirted with, but this gleeful face is close enough!

One of the main reasons I’m non-monogamous is that nothing gets me high like flirting. And I say that as someone who does actual drugs on a near-daily basis. 😂

It’s not that flirting can’t or doesn’t happen in long-term relationships – my spouse and I flirt with each other often, and they still make me blush and giggle a LOT even after being together for over four years.

But neurochemically, there is something unique about flirting with someone who hasn’t already declared that they like you enough to be in a relationship with you, or to marry you, or whatever. The phrase “thrill of the chase” comes to mind but I don’t usually think of myself as chasing folks I flirt with; it’s more of a dance. And for me, one of the most fun parts of the dance is the part where you’re pretty sure the person likes you but neither of you have really said as much yet, so there’s a constant frisson of excitement in the air when you’re around them.

Romantic fantasies have been one of my favorite mental dalliances for basically as long as I’ve been alive, and still to this day, they are a coping mechanism for me when I’m dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, demotivation, and other effects of the fibromyalgia and depression I live with. Even when I’m feeling like absolute shit, lying in bed surrounded by pillows, breathing deeply with my eyes closed to try to get through the waves of pain and malaise, I can still picture what it would be like if [x crush] said [x romantic thing] to me – the way they would say it, how their face would look, how I would react – and it reliably makes me feel at least a little bit better.

The following sentences are “daydream porn” for me in this way. Try imagining your biggest unrequited(-so-far) crush saying them to you, in an intimate corner booth of a bar, or at a picnic in the park, or on your living room couch, or wherever. If you start smiling from ear to ear just thinking about it, then maybe you can use these types of fantasies as coping mechanisms during tough times, like I can. (I suppose this post is also a guide for how to flirt with me, but, um… that was not meant to be its initial and primary mission!)

 

1. “You know that I’m flirting with you, right? Okay, good.”

A few different people have said some version of this to me and it always fills me with glee. I know it can be controversial to talk about flirting in a “meta” way like this, because (for some people) much of the magic of flirting is its uncertainty, its delicate balance of “will they/won’t they?” But since I’m a nervous insecure socially anxious weirdo who spends at least some brainpower during every interaction wondering if the person I’m talking to actually even likes me, it can be incredibly validating to hear from someone’s own mouth that they are indeed flirting with me – that I’m not imagining it, that it isn’t the result of wishful thinking on my part but is actually real.

One time I played some songs at an event, one of which was my song “Addressee,” in which I confess that I often have a hard time interpreting flirtation as flirtation. The boy I was into at the time came up to me after my set, complimented my music, and said, “Just so we’re clear: I am always flirting with you.” It helped me feel safe enough in that dynamic to continue to flirt with him as hard as I had been, and even harder. *chef’s kiss*

 

2. “I am having a lot of fun flirting with you.”

Along similar lines, this one is lovely because it simultaneously acknowledges that flirting is happening, and affirms that the person is enjoying themselves. (Shout-out to Reid Mihalko, who I think was the first person to introduce me to the idea that meta-communication about flirting while it’s happening can be wildly hot and fun, and also helps clarify consent/comfort or a lack thereof.)

I especially like when this line is thrown out casually as the precursor to something else, so that it feels like a simple descriptor of what is going on, rather than a momentous confession (although, as the below examples will point out, I also find momentous confessions hot; they’re just not always the most socially appropriate thing). Like, for example, sometimes I’ve been talking to someone cute at a party and they’ll say, “Well, I’m having a lot of fun flirting with you, but I need to circulate and say hi to my friends. Can we pick this back up again later?” My cheeks are getting pink just thinking about it!!

 

3. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

Throw me into a lake; I need to cool off, because this one is HOTTTT.

When I was actively dating, I always felt like this sentence was the early-dates equivalent of an initial “I love you.” It gave me the same level of “🥰 OMG 🥰” feelings every time a new person said it to me. I think this is partly because I am chronically obsessive when I have a crush on someone, always thinking about them a lot (sometimes more than I would like to!), so it felt wonderfully validating to know that I wasn’t the only one in that boat.

This one is also low-key sexy because there is usually an implication that some of those thoughts have been sexual. I often find myself responding “Oh yeah, like what kinds of thoughts?” before I even realize what I’m saying, because I get so curious. It’s a fantastic opener for a saucy convo about all the sex things you want to do to each other, but it can also be chastely romantic, a confession that the person’s feelings for you have become more than just a momentary interest.

 

4. “I am extremely attracted to you.”

It still baffles me a little whenever people are attracted to me so I guess I just like to hear it in explicit terms so I can be sure I’m not misinterpreting. It’s not necessary because it is often implied by other things they do or say – I mean, if someone kisses me passionately, or bites their lip when they first see me in the dress I wore to our date, then it’s safe to say they are attracted to me – but it’s still nice to get a clear confirmation one way or the other.

This is a little hard to talk about without sounding unfeminist or shallow or something, but I also find that “I’m attracted to you” can land better for me at times than “You’re so smart” or “You’re so funny,” etc., because if I feel like someone’s attraction to me is predicated entirely on me being smart or funny, then I can start to doubt myself a lot if I ever have a weird brain day around them where I’m not able to be as smart or as funny as I normally would be – like, are they gonna lose their boner for me because I didn’t pick up on their obscure pun before I’d had my coffee?! Obviously it’s still lovely to be complimented on my smarts or humor, but when someone admits that they are holistically attracted to me, it makes it a little easier for me to relax into the knowledge that they’ll continue to like me no matter what I do (within reason).

 

5. “I think you are hilarious and gorgeous and I was wondering if I could take you out sometime.”

As far as I’m concerned, this is the perfect date-ask. I’m not saying no other way of asking me out would get a “yes,” or that no other way would make me feel good. But I do think this is the basic formula of how I’d always like to be asked out.

Complimenting someone in a date-ask is always a good idea, especially if you can compliment them on specific things that 1) you value in them and 2) they value (or ought to value) in themselves. My insecure brain is prone to being like, “Okay, yes, they asked me out, but do they find me ATTRACTIVE?? Do they actually even LIKE ME??” so pre-emptive compliments help me relax and actually believe them. (I have been asked out as a joke before, more than once. It is not fun.)

I like “take you out” because it’s the sort of phrasing most people wouldn’t tend to use unless they were talking about a date. But using the word “date” is also wonderful because it’s clear. I used to literally just sit in my childhood bed picturing different people asking me if they could take me out on a date. Free dopamine. A+.

 

6. “I can’t stop thinking about how much I’d like to kiss you.”

Truly glad y’all can’t see me right now because writing this post is making me feel so blushy and romantic that I’m actually getting a little dizzy and light-headed!! Anyway, this is the best way to ask someone if you can kiss them, IMO.

I originally picked this up from Dan Savage, who says that “I really wanna kiss you right now” (or touch you, or fuck you, or whatever) is the best non-pushy way to 1) communicate your desire and 2) leave the other person an opportunity to either say yes or redirect the conversation. I like the addition of “I can’t stop thinking about” because it conveys enthusiasm, which (as you may have noticed) is a recurring theme in what I find romantically exciting.

Often, by the time someone says this, they will have already made it pretty clear in their body language – maybe moving closer to you, maybe staring intermittently at your lips throughout the conversation, or biting or licking their own – but it’s still nice to hear it. And if someone signals to me, even in an indirect way like this, that they care about consent and would never make a move without it, that’s super hot and makes me feel much safer around them.

 

7. “I’m finding myself really wanting to touch you right now. How would you feel about that?”

Replace “touch you” with whatever. I have had doms bring up spanking me in this way; I’ve had vanilla cuties bring up holding hands in this way; it’s just a sweet way of getting permission to break the touch barrier.

I understand that some people find it hot when touch is infused with such urgency and passion that the person doesn’t even ask before kissing you, touching you, etc. but I think that approach requires a high degree of competency with noticing nonverbal cues, “reading the room,” etc. and not everyone has that. I also just personally find a “slow burn” hotter. If someone asks if they can touch me, I’m going to take a moment to ponder their question, likely while picturing what their touch will feel like and what it might lead to. And that’s ultimately going to turn me on far more than if they just grabbed me. But that’s me, baby – talk to your person/people if you want to know how they feel about all this.

 

8. “I really hope I get to see you again soon.”

All of these, I’m realizing, are really just different ways of saying “I’m very into you and I want you to know that!” What can I say, I know what I like.

I know there is a lot of emphasis on “chill” in the dating world, and certainly, it has its place. You don’t want to burn too hot when the other person is behaving more coldly or ambivalently. But considering how much I fret after a date about whether I was cute enough or witty enough or fun enough, it absolutely makes my day when someone reaches out to say they enjoyed themselves and want to do it again sometime soon.

A slightly more proactive way of saying this – and one that conveys even more interest – would be to add something like, “Are you free next Friday night for [drinks/dinner/a comedy show/whatever]?” but that’s not always the right move, depending on the situation. Like, I wouldn’t necessarily want someone to immediately ask me out on a second date when we’ve barely finished our first one, because I usually like to take some time to process after a first date and figure out how I felt about it before I decide what I want to happen next. But getting that text a day or two after a first date, if we had been chatting via text in the interim, would work excellently for me, and makes me blushy to think about.

 

What sentences feature prominently in your romantic fantasies?

The Best Thing to Do After a Breakup (According to Me)

Kate Sloan

Don’t be alarmed: my partner and I did not break up. I just felt like writing about breakups today!

Several friends of mine have been through breakups recently, and I feel for them. While offering unsolicited advice to a heartbroken person is a grade-A shithead move, occasionally pals will ask me for guidance when going through romantic turmoil (perhaps because I’ve been dumped so many times?!), and my favorite suggestion to offer is this: make a list of all the reasons your ex, and your relationship with them, was not actually ideal for you, and reflect on what that means for you and your future.

You have to pick the right moment for this, and that’ll depend on your personal psychology. Try to do it too soon after the event and you’ll find yourself at a loss for words, weeping into your notebook as you gasp toward the sky, “But they were perfect for me!!” (They were not.) Wait too long to do it, and it won’t be as effective – or you won’t have mental access to the clear memories you need to do this exercise. I think, depending on what kind of breakup it was and how you’re feeling, the best time to do this is after the initial grief-level agony has settled a bit – which could be a few hours, a few days, or maybe a week – but before the pain fully dies down to a numb, muffled throb. If your heart still hurts but not so much that you can’t focus on a book or a TV show, you’re probably in a good spot to do this.

I originally got this suggestion from a friend-of-a-friend named Nora when I was writing an article on breakups for a copywriting internship and polled my Facebook friends for their best breakup advice. This is what she wrote: “Make a list of reasons why they weren’t a good fit. Make a list of things you can now feel free to do or are excited to try. Refer to them when sad.”

I’ve since done this not only to ease the pain of a breakup but also to ease the pain of unrequited love, or just small sexual rejections that stung. It could be considered a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, in that it serves to unmask your erroneous assumptions about the person who broke your heart – namely, that they were perfect and that no one else you date in the future will ever be better. Trust me, no matter how good you think the relationship was, neither of those things are true.

Making this exercise into a ceremonious ritual improves its effects greatly, I find. Here’s the step-by-step process I suggest:

  1. Set aside some time for your ceremony. Give yourself at least an hour of peace and quiet (door locked, calendar cleared, phone off, to-do list set aside) because, even if the exercise itself doesn’t take nearly that long, you’re gonna need time to sit with your feelings, cry, breathe, process, etc.
  2. Pick your medium: do you want to physically write out your list, or type it up? I always prefer to write mine by hand because it takes longer so I have more time to think about what I’m committing to paper. It also feels more cathartic to me than keying some words into a text doc. But hey, you do you. Whatever medium you pick, make it feel fancy and special somehow for yourself – that could mean a beautiful pen and elegant notebook, or a full-screened writing app with your device set to “do not disturb,” or even a creaky old typewriter dusted off for the occasion.
  3. First, list things you don’t like about your ex. You really don’t need to judge or censor yourself while you write these. It is totally okay if you write down stuff you would otherwise consider petty bullshit, like that he can’t seem to scrub a dirty dish to save his life or that she was always late for dates. The point is to get it all out there – and maybe make yourself laugh a little in the process. If you get stuck and need help, text a friend who always seemed to low-key (or high-key) hate your partner while you were dating them… They’ve probably got some stuff stuck in their craw that they’d be happy to share.
  4. Next, list things you didn’t like about the relationship. This is slightly different than your most-loathed qualities of the person, because they themselves could be wonderful but just terribly suited to you. Did your kinks not quite match up? Did you both tend to get snippy when you were stressed out? Did their schedule not allow much time for you? Did you constantly bicker about what kind of takeout to get for dinner? No matter how big or how small, write these things down. Take as long as you need.
  5. Finally, list some things you’re excited to do now that the relationship is over. Maybe you can date and fuck other people now, sure – but you can also do tiny acts of victorious rebellion like eat your ex’s least-favorite food any time you want, wear those shorts she thought were undignified, or blast the death-metal albums he couldn’t stand. This part of the exercise works best if you can make concrete plans to do some of these things in the near future – so maybe text a friend to ask if they’d like to go for absinthe cocktails the likes of which would’ve nauseated your ex on sight, or ask your mom if she’d like to get together next weekend to watch that slapstick comedy your ex thought was dumb. This is about not only looking for the silver linings of your situation but also giving yourself things to look forward to.
  6. If you want to make this all feel more real and final, read your lists aloud in whatever way feels best to you. Sometimes I choke mine out softly between sobs and wails of despair; sometimes I wipe my tears away and perform a zany dramatic reading to myself in the mirror. Put the words out into the world, listen to them, feel them wash over you, feel how true they are.
  7. Don’t forget to give yourself aftercare, because this process is intense. Ideally prep this beforehand so you’ll have self-soothing supplies on hand when you need them. Hydrate (especially if you’ve been crying), eat a snack or a meal, text/call/hang out with someone who loves you, read a beloved book in the bath, put on a cute outfit and makeup, watch a Pixar movie, masturbate wildly… You know yourself best, so you likely know what you’ll need at this juncture.
  8. Perhaps most crucially, refer to your lists as needed in the future, when heartbreak rears its ugly head once more. It’s normal and natural for grief to wrack you in waves, often unexpectedly – and when it does, you’ll be able to combat it by re-reading your lists to remind yourself why the breakup was actually a good thing. You may even want to make a recording of yourself (or your best friend) reading the lists aloud, so you can keep it on your phone and listen to it whenever a stab of anguish hits you right in the chest while you’re out running errands or riding the subway.

That’s it! This process won’t heal your heartbreak immediately or single-handedly, but I’ve found it extremely useful every time I’ve employed it. Like a decidedly sadder version of rose-colored glasses, recent rejection can make you apt to idealize your ex and rationalize away their flaws – so keeping those flaws close to you, explicitly spelled out for easier perusal, can work magic. “This too shall pass” is a cliché for a reason: sooner or later, it always does.

25 Non-Boring Things to Do on Valentine’s Day

Kate Sloan

A month ago, I walked into an upscale sex shop in New York and saw that it was festooned in hearts, red lingerie, and Hershey Kisses. “OH GOD, NOT THIS AGAIN,” I shouted into the romantic void. How is it that I’ve been writing about sex and relationships professionally for nearly 8 years and Valentine’s always sneaks up on me?!

My beef with Valentine’s Day is mostly that it focuses on all the wrong things – showy, insubstantial displays of love, rather than the admirable daily work of keeping a relationship functional and fun – while making people feel terrible if they can’t afford exorbitantly priced roses/chocolates/dinner, or if they don’t have a partner to lavish attention on. I firmly believe love is worth celebrating, but some of the conventional ways of doing that have gotten awfully stale!

With that in mind, here are 25 ideas for Valentine’s activities you could do with your sweetheart that don’t make me yawn. These are intended for couples, but singles, please feel free to do ’em with a close friend or a fuckbuddy – or read my Valentine’s suggestions for the uncoupled. Now let’s get romantic!

Go see a comedy show. Forever one of my favorite date-night activities. Laughing together is good for your relationship and your neurochemistry! (If you’re in Toronto, my picks are Catch23 and Black & Funny; if you’re in New York, the Valentine’s edition of Tinder Live is a must-see.)

Watch a decidedly unromantic (or unconventionally romantic) movie. Perhaps at an actual movie theatre, if you can swing it. (If you’re in Toronto, the Revue Cinema is screening the 2001 slasher film Valentine as part of their Drunken Cinema series.) Here are some of my top picks: The F Word (known in some countries as What If), He’s Just Not That Into You, Her, Misery, Brokeback Mountain.

Outline your next creative collaboration. Is there anything hotter than working on a project with your brilliant partner?! Sit down and figure out if you’d like to collab on anything soon, whether it’s a tiny undertaking like devising a new dinner recipe or a massive hoopla like writing a book together.

Go dancing. Yes, even if you’re “bad at it.” Sweating together is oddly fun and bonding (I removed “exercise together” from this list in favor of something less preachy, but the point stands), and it can be surprisingly sexy to see the way your paramour moves on a dance floor – even if they’re charmingly awkward (or you are)!

Go to a strip club. Traditional vanilla/monogamous wisdom holds that you “shouldn’t” find other people sexy if you’re in a relationship – and while this type of traditionalism works for some people (I would imagine very few), IMO it’s fake news. Take your partner to the best strip club in town, tip generously, and make some mental notes about how you could best give your sweetheart a stellar striptease later in a more private environment…

Make each other’s gifts instead of buying them. I’m not a crafty person (and my songwriting habit isn’t an on-demand type of thing) so I’ve never been very good at this, but hey, you might. There’s something so romantic about creating a gift rather than choosing it off a shelf, whether it’s an embroidery of an inside joke you share, a hand-painted wooden figurine of their favorite animal, or a necklace assembled from crystals they think are pretty. (If you want to commission a queer trans artist to paint you and your beau, I highly recommend C. Murphy, who did this rad portrait of me and mine!)

Dine in. I don’t mean that as an oral sex joke, although… that too. Seriously, a homemade Valentine’s dinner would be so lovely, whether you make it together (you don’t truly know someone until they’ve been your sous-chef for a night) or the more cooking-inclined one of you throws something together while the other watches lovingly. Or does something actually useful like making drinks or setting the table.

Draw all over each other’s bodies. My friend Caitlin is very into this practice, and I once volunteered to get drawn on at a party she held. You might be surprised by how sensual it is to feel marker strokes feathering along your skin (or, if you’re a masochist like me, a sharp pen digging into you) – and certainly, it’s nice to be focused on like a work of art.

Do drugs together. Famously, there’s an OkCupid question from the early days of the site that asks, “Do you think drug use with your partner can be a romantic activity?” I was a firm No when I was straight-edge, but having eased into a more drug-accepting lifestyle, I now think it totally can be. Moving through altered states together can be a bonding ordeal, like climbing a mountain or running a marathon. It doesn’t much matter if it’s a drug you’ve done together lots of times or one neither of you have ever done – as long as you’re risk-aware and prepared for any potential mishaps, a shared trip could be a super sweet and intimate experience.

“Fuck first,” as Dan Savage often advises. Sex when you’re overstuffed (or overdrunk) from dinner is not always the most fun. Why not get it on before you leave for your romantic rendezvous? You can always fuck again later.

Talk about your goals and how you can help each other achieve them. Self-improvement power-couple alert! New Year’s is traditionally the time to talk about such things, but hey, collaborative goal-pursual is romantic, so why not discuss it now?

Devise a relationship check-in. This is a series of questions you can ask each other, in a formulaic way, once a week/month/whatever works, to determine which areas of your relationship are working and which need a tune-up. It can also simply help you become more present and aware of the things about your relationship that you’re grateful for. (Here are the questions me and my partner use.)

Take sexy pictures of each other. You don’t have to be a master photographer to capture your sweetie lookin’ fine; you will catch different aspects of them in your lens than most people would, just by virtue of being their partner. This would also be a great opportunity to pull out those mesh briefs/seamed stockings/”fuck-me” heels you’ve been hoarding!

Do karaoke, either at home (check YouTube or Spotify for tracks) or at a local bar that offers it. What a goofy good time.

Record a podcast together. You don’t even have to release it (although, if you do, Soundcloud is a good spot to host a one-off) – just sit down and record a conversation about your relationship, or a passionate interest you share, or the general idea of romance, or whatever. I always love having tangible records of earlier periods of my relationships and audio documentation can be particularly salient!

Go to an arcade or board games café. (There is no beating Snakes & Lattes here in Toronto, IMO.) Hell, maybe trouncing your nerdy love at Scrabble or Skee-Ball will inspire them to “punish” you later, in bed…!

Have a staycation. Book a hotel and read some travel guides for your city to find out which landmarks, restaurants, bars, and other miscellanea are most recommended for visitors. Love can make your mundane reality feel fresh again, and staycations can do that, too!

Make a Clone-a-Willy. I can’t think of much that’s more romantic than gifting your partner a fuckable facsimile of your genitals.

Spend time in silence together. You know, I used to believe that lapsing into long silences around your partner was a bad thing, because it meant you didn’t have anything to say to each other anymore – but it can be a nice thing, too, sometimes. Especially if you and your partner are both introverts and/or homebodies, maybe the best Valentine’s gift you can give each other is a quiet night at home, each separately reading or writing or crafting or meditating or whatever you want, together in your silent sovereignty.

Ask each other the “36 questions to fall in love” from Arthur Aron’s study. This list of questions was designed to foster intimacy between strangers, but you can learn a lot from going through it with an established partner as well.

Issue each other a day-long challenge. Can your girlfriend stay off Twitter all day if you remind her how unhappy it makes her (and keep her distracted with more fun activities)? Can your boyfriend stop complaining so much if that’s something he wants to stop? Can your enbyfriend write 3,000 words in a day, if you sit beside them sipping coffee and reading and offering moral support?

Play Truth or Dare. Yes, like teenagers at a suburban basement rager. It’s a classic for a reason! Here’s an online version if you need help coming up with prompts.

Do tarot readings for each other. Even if you think tarot is bullshit, this can be fun. The internet is chock full o’ sites that will tell you how to position cards in a reading and what each card means. You can pontificate on how you think the cards you pull are indeed relevant to your partner’s life – you probably know them best, after all!

Roleplay as a conventional vanilla couple. Oh, go ALL OUT, honey. Flowers. Chocolates. Restaurant reservations. Chaste pecks on the lips. Confessions of “I love you” and “You’re my soulmate” while having sex under the covers in the dark. Sometimes there is nothing more perverted than pretending you’re not perverted.

Read each other love poems. They don’t have to be Shakespearian sonnets. They can be raunchy, like this fave of mine by Richard Brautigan: “The sweet juices of your mouth / are like castles bathed in honey. / I’ve never had it done so gently before. / You have put a circle of castles / around my penis and you swirl them / like sunlight on the wings of birds.”

 

What are your favorite unconventionally romantic activities?

A Dating Site For Non-Monogamous People

Kate Sloan

One of the biggest questions I get from readers – whether they’re kinky, demisexual, polyamorous, or any other off-the-beaten-path sexual minority – is “How do I meet people like me?”

It’s a fair question. When you’ve grown up already having non-standard sexual desires, it’s easy to feel isolated – and since the fulfilment of these desires often hinges on meeting other humans who are also into them, the whole ordeal can sometimes feel futile. “Why did I bother figuring out my shit and coming out,” you might wonder from time to time, “if I can’t meet anyone halfway decent to explore this stuff with?!”

Enter SwingTowns: a dating and networking site for swingers, polyamorists, and non-monogamists of various other stripes. Hallelujah!

When I signed up for an account, I was instantly impressed with the multitude of options SwingTowns offers its users to identify their gender and sexual orientation. These drop-down menus include (for gender) butch, crossdresser, femme, genderfluid, genderqueer, intersex, man, other, trans – F to M, trans – M to F, transgender, and woman, and (for sexual orientation) asexual, bicurious, bisexual, “bisituational,” gay, heteroflexible, homoflexible, lesbian, other, pansexual, queer, straight, and unsure. While these lists certainly aren’t exhaustive, I’m not sure it’s possible to make an exhaustive list of all the ways people can identify – and SwingTowns certainly has most other dating sites beat in this regard.

I also like that you’re able to choose to identify publicly as poly (“looking for friendships and emotional connection that may evolve into sex later”), a swinger (“looking for sex or sexual activities that may evolve into more sex and friendships later”), both, neither, or “other.” These are pretty broad categories, and certainly not all poly people or swingers would agree with the definitions given, but I do notice a pretty distinct schism between these two types of non-monogamist and their proclivities and codes of ethics in the communities I run in, so it’s nice to be able to state upfront what your basic relationship style is. You can also create a profile as either an individual, a couple, a polycule (3 or more people), or a club/group.

SwingTowns supplies good prompts for (optionally) filling out sections of your profile – it asks you, for example, what kind(s) of person you’re looking for, what your fantasies and desires are, and “Is there anything else you want people to know about you?” It doesn’t require your real or full name, and it doesn’t require photos that show your face.

As one would hope for a site of this nature, SwingTowns has granular privacy settings which allow you to change, for example, which users can see your photos, who can message you, who can see your profile at all, and so on. There’s also a blocking feature, and a reporting feature, though I can’t say for sure how robust these are (I have yet to find a dating site/app that really emphasizes safety and an anti-harassment stance as fervently as I would like). You can also filter out particular demographics – say, straight men – from your searches, though it’s unclear to me if you can ban them from being able to see you altogether. (You can, however, easily just reject every request you get from a straight man trying to view your profile or message you.)

I have had a few exchanges with actual humans on SwingTowns – mostly with couples seeking a unicorn for a threesome, or dudes “looking for some fun” – but many of the messages I’ve received on the site have been invitations to groups or meetups for swingers local to particular areas near me, like Hamilton and Niagara. To that end, I wonder if this site might be especially useful for non-monogamists who also happen to be vanilla – there’s a fair number of non-monogamy groups and events listed on FetLife, the social networking site for kinksters, but despite the high rate of overlap between the kinky community and the non-monogamous community, not all eschewers of monogamy are perverts in other ways!

The FetLife comparison is apt, because like that site, this one is nowhere near as slick and modern as a high-budget dating site like OkCupid. The interface is often clunky, confusing, and hard to navigate. For example, when someone requests access to my profile, looking at their profile doesn’t bring up options to accept or reject their request – as far as I can tell, you have to do that from the email SwingTowns sends you to notify you of the request. The site sends a lot of emails, by the way: I would recommend examining your notification settings ASAP upon joining, so as to shut off the deluge of emails you’re sure to receive – unless you want them!

There’s an ill-considered Tinder facsimile that shows you a photo of a user and allows you to “pass” on them or “like” them, but often the photos don’t contain faces or any meaningful details because this is the type of site where people would largely rather remain anonymous (understandably), so the “swiping” system is pretty hard to use successfully – especially since, when you click on someone’s photo to try to learn more about them, very often access to the person’s profile is restricted and has to be specifically requested. I can see how it would be challenging to create a system where people can feel safe sharing their private info (even just the fact that they’re non-monogamous, which, to some people, is very private info) while also making it easy to sift through potential matches. SwingTowns’ system is far from perfect, but it’s a noble attempt and I think they’ll keep working to make it better.

You can upgrade to SwingTowns’ premium membership plan for $17/month (last I checked, anyway) or a discounted “lifetime” price. Similar to OkCupid’s “A-List” membership and other such services, this one gives you better search tools for finding matches, advanced privacy settings, and a few other perks that would make it easier to use the site. However, the basic features would work just fine for connecting with other non-monogamous people, groups, and events in your area – which, of course, is the whole point. It may not be the most polished dating site on the web, but given how hard it can be to find experienced and enthusiastic non-monogamous folks on standard dating services, I think the trade-off in ease of use is worthwhile for the types of connections you could make on a site like this.

 

This review was sponsored, which means that SwingTowns paid me to write an honest, fair review of their service. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

34 Nice Things to Do For Your Long-Distance Partner

Kate Sloan

Long-distance relationships are more prevalent than ever, so there are more people than ever who live every day in a perpetual state of missing someone. That sucks – but on the plus side, because of technology, it’s also easier than ever for long-distance couples to stay integrated into each other’s lives.

Cobbled together from my experiences and imaginings, here are 34 things you could do for your long-distance partner that will brighten their day and make them feel closer to you. A note: lots of these require money, but lots do not. Financial privilege (or lack thereof) is definitely a factor in how easy or hard it is to connect with your long-distance sweetheart, unfortunately. My hope is that you’ll find at least some new things to try on this list that are accessible to you. 💜

Establish a routine. The unpredictability and instability of LDRs – particularly if you’re never sure when you’ll be able to get together next – can be really draining. It’s nice to know you can still count on your partner’s presence in some form, even when they’re not physically present. So set some regularly-scheduled date nights and stick to them as well as possible. Show each other that you can count on one another, and on your relationship.

Send them food. If you lived in the same city, you’d be able to make them meals or take them to restaurants – but sending food from afar is the next-best thing if you can’t do those. Make use of services like Seamless and Uber Eats to keep your partner well-fed, if they want that. (This is particularly nice when they’re too sick or busy to figure out their own meal plan.)

Send them stuff they need. If you can make your partner’s life a little bit easier, don’t you want to? If they’re running out of toilet paper, low on cooking oil, or all out of laundry detergent, you can use the magic of the internet to get those things to them and save them a trip to the store. (Again: particularly great for a sick or busy partner.)

Send them stuff they want. You know, like presents? There doesn’t necessarily have to be a reason. Sometimes you just see something in a store and think, “Wow, my partner would love this.”

Share your calendar with them. This is a small-and-yet-big way to demonstrate your trust for your partner and your desire for continued intimacy with them. It’ll make them feel more involved in your life, because they can always see at a glance what you’re up to.

Send “good morning” and “good night” texts. Simple. Easy. Cute. Nice.

Read to them. Listening to your voice, over the phone or on Skype, might be the closest your partner can feel to you when you’re far apart. One lovely way to use your voice – especially at the end of a long day when they might be too emotionally drained to converse much – is to read to them. Books, articles, posts from your 2007 LiveJournal… Whatever appeals!

Send them flowers. My partner has done this for birthdays, anniversaries, and sadder occasions like a death in my family. It always, without fail, makes me feel special and loved. Plus it brightens up my room in a very physical, visible way, which my partner would also do if they were here!

Send them something to cuddle. A stuffed animal, or perhaps a body pillow. (My partner and I have long wanted to go to Build-a-Bear together to make a mb-lookin’ bear I can snuggle when I miss them.)

Count down the days to your next visit. You can do this in some kind of app, in your shared calendar, or just daily via text. It shows your partner that you miss them and are excited to see them again – and it can make you both feel more in control of a situation that often feels very disempowering.

Wear a reminder of them. A piece of jewelry they gave you, a shirt you borrowed from them, their collar, whatever. You’ll feel closer to them when you wear it, and they’ll feel closer to you too when they see it in pictures (see below).

Send them selfies. One a day, or more, I say! Going without your partner’s physical presence for long periods of time is slightly easier when you can at least look at them.

Send them (consensual) nudes. I mean, of course. If they find your body sexy in person (which they likely do), they’ll find it sexy in pictures too. They can also use those pictures as “reference images” the next time they want to fantasize about you in a private moment, naw’m sayin’?

Send them snail mail. Love letters are underrated in this day and age! Their rarity also makes them likely to be a pleasant surprise for their recipient. Get out some nice stationery and hop to it!

Introduce them to your friends and family. They probably feel somewhat disconnected from your “real life” because of the distance. Keeping them acquainted with the important people in your life can help them feel more incorporated into your life.

Remember and acknowledge important days. Are they nearing the anniversary of starting at their current job? What about the anniversary of their grandmother’s death? Is their favorite TV show returning for another season? Does your bisexual sweetheart need some extra love and praise on Bi Visibility Day? Remembering this type of thing might seem small, but it shows your partner that you pay attention to them and are there for them.

Give them keys to your place. They may never even use or need them, depending on your situation(s), but it’s a nice gesture to give them a set anyway. It’s a romantic expression of “mi casa es su casa.”

Post pictures of the two of you on social media. One of the hard things about being in an LDR is that you can’t “be seen together” in the usual ways – at parties, family functions, shows, and so on. Social media can achieve a similar effect, however. Your love will feel special knowing you love them enough to show them off on Instagram.

“Sleep with” them. Just leave your phones/webcams on all night (if data plans and other technology constraints allow for this). It’ll comfort them to hear you softly breathing nearby, the way they would if you were right beside them in bed.

Reminisce on memories with them. Yes, they’ve already heard these stories – they, in fact, lived them – but verbally reviewing your special memories together can help you feel closer. “Remember that time we…”

Take time off to see them. This isn’t always possible, due to Capitalism™ – but if you’re at all able to completely step away from your work and other responsibilities for the duration of your visit, it’ll make it that much better. It sucks to be distracted by work when you want to focus on your partner. Maybe you could even reshuffle some vacation days so you get more time with your beloved instead of, say, taking off as much time for the holidays as you usually do.

Send them pictures of what you’re doing. The lunch you just made, the club you’re at, a weird billboard you saw on your walk to the subway. These little glimpses of your life help your partner feel closer to you.

Create a shared photo album online. If you both have iPhones, this is a built-in functionality via the cloud, though other systems probably have something similar. If you keep all the pictures of your adventures together in one place, you can scroll through them for comfort whenever things are hard.

Cheer them on. If they have a big presentation, performance, or project on their docket for the day, make sure they know you’re in their corner. You can be just as effective a cheerleader from afar as you could from nearby.

Leave them a piece of your clothing. To you, it may just be a sweaty old T-shirt; to them, it could feel like a security blanket.

Make them a playlist. A millennial love ritual if there ever was one. Bonus points if it’s tailored for a specific purpose – like a mix of jams for a party they’re throwing, or an assortment of your favorite showtunes because they mentioned wanting to get more into musical theatre.

Help them take care of themselves. As their partner, you may be able to see patterns they can’t – like that they put off grocery shopping too long when they’re stressed at work, or they socially isolate themselves when they’re depressed. Gentle reminders can be enough to keep them on the right track, self-care-wise.

Skype them into events. The people you’re partying with can say hi to your partner, and they can see what you’re up to and feel like they’re there too.

Consume media together. Sync up a Netflix movie while you’re talking on the phone, read the same book and discuss it, listen to their favorite band’s new album from start to finish together… Local couples have lots of opportunities to hit the cinema or check out concerts together, but long-distance couples have to get a bit more creative to share similar experiences.

Take them on “phone dates.” The two of you can each get dolled up and go out to a place in your respective cities – a bar or restaurant, say – and then talk on the phone while you’re there, as if they’re with you. The establishment’s staff might think you’re a little weird, but it won’t matter to you, because you’ll be on a date with your sweetheart!

Get good at phone sex, Skype sex, and/or sexting. If sex is important to both of you, you probably miss it a lot when you’re apart… so figure out ways to be sexual together when you can’t actually touch. Tina Horn’s book Sexting is a great place to start if you want to brush up your skills.

Give them a sexual stand-in for yourself. A Clone-a-Willy of your dick, perhaps, or a Fleshlight meant to represent your vag. A nice thing about sex toys is that you can use them whether you’re apart or together.

Surprise them with a visit. This is an advanced-level move, because it requires intimate knowledge of a) your partner’s schedule and b) how they react to surprises (some people hate them). But if you think they’d be open to it, and that they have time to spend with you, it’d probably make them really happy.

Talk about the future. So much of #LongDistanceLyfe is spent waiting for the next visit, and the next, and the next; it can make you feel like you’re on a sad hamster wheel of heartbreak, a Skype-era Sisyphus (try saying that five times fast). If you have plans to eventually move to the same place, live together, get married, or anything else, it can be soothing to talk about those plans from time to time. It’ll keep you both focused on your goal, and less bogged down by the daily difficulties of your situation.

 

What nice things do you like to do for long-distance partners?