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Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys “Perfect Penis”

Kate Sloan

Look, if you name your dildo the “Perfect Penis,” I’m gonna be curious about it.

I dig realistic dildos, so I was already intrigued by this one from the name and picture alone. But then I read this, in the product description on the Mr. Hankey’s website (emphasis mine):

The dimensions of our Perfect Penis dildo are tailored using Artificial Intelligence, a unique approach to dildo design in the market. Our A.I.-driven process considers a vast array of studies on preferred penis size, leading to a selection of dildos in various sizes with the ideal balance of length and width — a distinguishing feature that positions us as a cutting-edge leader in realistic dildo manufacturing.

I was confused about this at first, because every study I’ve ever read on penis size preference has indicated that average-ish dimensions tend to be most people’s ideal (which makes sense), and this toy has pretty comically large dimensions by contrast, as is par for the course with Mr. Hankey’s. So I emailed them for clarification, and my contact at the company told me that the small size of the Perfect Penis (6.5″ insertable length, diameter ranging from 1.4″ to 1.6″) was designed based on A.I.-compiled statistical averages of preferred penis dimensions from around the world, and the larger sizes of this toy are scaled-up versions of that.

What with A.I. being such a hot-button issue right now, this seemed like a topically relevant dildo to review 😂 Let’s see whether it lives up to its name…

Customization options & what I chose

The Perfect Penis comes in 4 different sizes, ranging from S to XXL. I already own plenty of realistic dildos in what one might call a “reasonable” size range, so I wanted to go a little “unreasonable” with this one, at least for my own orifices. I went with the medium size, which has an insertable length of 8″ and a diameter ranging from 2″ to 2.25″.

There are 4 different firmness options for this toy, and I decided on the “medium firm” one, because I wanted it to feel comparable to an actual erect dick.

There are also a whopping 25 different color options (including a few skin tones and a bunch of zanier shades), and I chose silver.

There’s also the option to get a Vac-U-Lock-compatible hole in the bottom of the toy, incase you want to use it with fucking machines, etc. that use the Vac-U-Lock system. I omitted that feature on mine because I don’t anticipate using it that way.

Gotta love a balls close-up

Things I like about this toy

  • I was nervous about the size at first, but with proper warm-up, I can handle it and it feels wonderful. I don’t really consider myself a size queen per se – my favorite dildos are spread far and wide across the size spectrum – but I do sometimes crave being filled up, or feel like fantasizing about archetypal big-dicked alpha bros or whatever, and having a truly massive dildo in my collection for those occasions is great. As with many flesh-and-blood dicks, this one is slightly slimmer at the tip than along the rest of the shaft, which makes insertion somewhat easier.
  • The medium firmness is A++. I generally prefer dual-density silicone for realistic dildos, since with those, you get the satisfyingly firm core and the comfortably squishy exterior, but this one is single-density and I think the medium firmness strikes a good balance. It can be a little uncomfortable as my vag stretches open upon first inserting it, but it allows for gratifyingly hard pounding when I’m warmed up enough for that, and having something hard to squeeze around makes my orgasms more intense.
  • Some dicks have a coronal ridge that makes you truly appreciate the genius of nature for designing the coronal ridge at all, and this dildo makes me feel that way too. The ridge is just dreamy, especially in this medium firmness and when doused in lube. It strokes across my whole front vaginal wall and can also provide more targeted G-spot stimulation if I aim it there. (As for A-spot stimulation, this dildo is less adept at that because it’s simply too thick to snuggle up in there, but it can pound that general area, which – given its many other pleasurable features – is good enough for me.)
  • The surface texture all along the toy is hyper-realistic, and stimulating without being overstimulating. If you like super veiny/textured dildos, this one might miss the mark for you because its texture is relatively subtle, but I like that it provides a tiny bit of “drag” against my vaginal walls without being uncomfortable.
  • I love the balls! They’re not just cute; they’re practical, too. This toy’s hefty base makes it much easier to use hands-free, since I can wedge the base of the dildo between my body and the bed and just rock against it while I use a clitoral vibe.
  • Undoubtedly the silliest thing on this list: For months, I have kept this dildo on my desk and used it daily as a stand for my phone. I set the phone upright on the balls and lean it against the shaft. This allows me to see when any texts come in, etc., without the phone constantly falling over from the vibration of every alert, which was an issue I previously had. It can also function as a stand for my iPad mini (see below), e-readers and books, and so on, which is genuinely useful for me as someone who’s frequently referring to various materials when writing. I’m seriously going to keep this toy on my desk and continue using it this way (when I’m not using it, y’know, the other way…) because it’s the perfect addition to a sex writer’s setup 😂

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • Almost anything I could write here would just be a matter of personal preference – it might be too big for some users, too firm, too realistic, etc.; you can decide for yourself if it sounds like it’d be up your alley (so to speak). The only more substantive drawback worth mentioning, IMO, is that this is quite heavy for a silicone dildo, as you might expect from looking at it, and so it’s not always easy for me to thrust it with my sore hands/arms. But, as mentioned, it can be used more-or-less hands-free, so that’s not too much of an issue.
  • Oh yeah, and it might be too heavy to comfortably use in a strap-on. You could give it a shot – the company suggests a 2.5″ O-ring – but I think the balls would become an issue.
Face for scale!

Final thoughts

As an advocate for body-positivity, I try not to use phrases like “perfect penis,” myself – not only because they can make people feel bad about their bodies for not living up to whatever I declare as “perfection,” but also because what is “perfect” for me will not be perfect for you, and vice-versa. Mr. Hankey’s says this right on the product page:

Understandably, some won’t find this to be their Perfect Penis, and if you are this person, please browse our website, as there is bound to be a Perfect Penis for everyone in our shop.

That being said, the Mr. Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis is certainly a beautiful cock, one that would look equally at home on an ancient Greek erotic statue as it would swinging between the legs of a modern-day porn star. It feels fantastic, too, like an over-the-top caricature of penile penetration. Do I always want sensations that intense? Fuck no. Do I want ’em real bad when I do indeed want ’em? Fuck yeah. And the Perfect Penis can deliver.

This is the third Mr. Hankey’s toy I’ve reviewed over the past few months (check out my previous reviews of the Captain’s Hook and Oni) and I’ve been super impressed with all of them. They are high-quality, beautifully designed, and exquisitely customizable. They have a dildo for pretty much any fantasy you can dream up, from getting railed by a sex robot to riding a banana. It’s lovely to see a company delighting in creating such beautiful, pleasurable toys. They may not be “perfect,” but each one is somebody’s version of perfect, and that’s really the important thing.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys Oni

Kate Sloan
(Soda can for scale)

Realistic dildos are great, but I’ve tested a lot of them, and, well… they’re all dicks, so even with all the many variations in size, shape, texture, and tone, they get a little samey after a while.

So I’m sure you can understand why my interest was piqued by the ultra-textured, wildly fantastical Oni dildo by Mr. Hankey’s Toys. Let’s talk about it.

 

What is the Oni, & how can it be customized?

The Oni feels conceptually similar to those hentai-inspired tentacle dildos that are so popular: it’s vaguely tentacle-shaped and has a ton of texture all along its shaft. But that’s where the similarities end: there’s no actual aquatic imagery in this dildo’s design. Mr. Hankey’s describes it as an “ogre-like demon” dildo, featuring a “demon’s face [that] lick[s] you from the inside.”

As is standard for toys from Mr. Hankey’s, this one can be customized to your heart’s content: you get 4 size options, 4 firmness options, 25 color options, and you can indicate whether you want there to be a Vac-U-Loc-compatible hole in the base of the dildo or not.

For my Oni, I went with the small size, 75% soft firmness, metallic green color, and no Vac-U-hole. In classic Mr. Hankey’s fashion, even this “small” Oni is quite hefty: it’s got 7.1″ of insertable length, and its diameter starts at 1.3″ near the head and widens to 1.9″ as you get closer to the base.

Front & back of the Oni’s shaft

A caveat on texture & firmness

I specifically chose the “75% soft” firmness for this toy because it’s so intensely textured. Firmer textured dildos can feel scrapey, annoying, and even painful – but the softness of this one gives its texture some cushion, so that my vaginal walls feel like they’re being stroked and massaged, not scraped. Generally I’d recommend that you, too, go for one of the softer options if you end up getting your own Oni – I think most vaginas and butts would prefer this particular toy soft and squishy.

That being said, the trade-off is that softer toys are much less capable of applying targeted pressure to erogenous zones like the G-spot, A-spot, or prostate. Many people prefer a firmer touch on these spots because they are somewhat buried in the vaginal or anal wall, so they tend to respond better to pressure than gentle surface-level touch.

So it really comes down to whether you want to hit specific spots (in which case, firmer is better), or just experience a diffuse, textured sensation along your entire vaginal/anal wall with each thrust (in which case, softer is better). I’m a person who generally prefers to target specific spots with firm pressure, so a squishy, textured dildo like the Oni is more of an occasional craving for me, not the bread and butter of my dildo rotation. But that’s just me.

 

Things I like about this toy

  • The design, it must be said, is intricate and gorgeous. The front bears the aforementioned demon face, the back looks like something out of a monster-of-the-week comic, and the tip resembles a regular penis head, but stylized and elongated. It really is a work of art.
  • I love that the tip is so tapered, for two reasons: it makes this toy much easier to insert, despite its challenging texture, and it can also nudge up into my A-spot fairly easily. I also love that it’s shaped vaguely like an actual dick head, as this combines well with a lot of my fantasies when I’m using a dildo.
  • The curve seems to perfectly ensure that the entire front of the shaft rubs against my entire vaginal wall on every stroke. I don’t think it holds its shape very well once it’s inside me, because of the softness of the silicone, but it nonetheless keeps the toy mercilessly in contact with my G-spot and the surrounding area.
  • The texture is enjoyable – when I’m properly warmed up for it.  This is not the type of dildo I can rush into using, even with lube (which it requires a lot of). If I go too fast, my vaginal walls get irritated – but if I take the time to make sure I’m really turned on before inserting it, the texture feels decadent, maximalist. It doesn’t give me the same breathless gut-punch orgasms as toys that press firmly into my internal spots, but the soft texture allows for a thrilling slow-build that feels great along the way, even if the orgasm itself isn’t as explosive.
  • The squishiness is fun to squeeze around, like a vaginal stress ball.
  • The base is chunky and easy to grip onto and thrust with. I also like that a part of it juts out in such a way that you can mash it against your clit when you thrust extra deep. Normally I pair dildos with a clitoral vibrator so I can get off, but sometimes it’s nice to tease myself first by grinding against the base of the dildo.

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • As mentioned, the texture can be a bit much if I’m not sufficiently turned on and/or not using enough lube. And you will go through a fair amount of lube when using this thing, at least if you want to use it comfortably.
  • As the company points out themselves on their product page, the design of this dildo makes it prone to tipping over when stood upright on its base, which could be annoying if you tend to ride your dildos.
  • Commonly for super-textured dildos, this one is a bit trickier to clean than smooth toys, sometimes requiring a scrub brush (like an old toothbrush) to get into all the little seams and crannies. But if you like texture then it’ll be worth it.

 

Final thoughts

Mr. Hankey’s Toys allowed me to pick 3 different dildos (check out my Captain’s Hook review!), and the Oni was really the wildcard of my selections, the one that’s the biggest departure from my typical taste in dildos. It’s squishy, textured, and fantastical, while most of my faves are firm, smooth, and simple.

But the design of the Oni is both beautiful and ingenious; its curve makes its texture feel more dynamic and even more stimulating than it would be on its own. It massages my entire vagina from the inside, in a way that I haven’t often experienced before.

So, shout-out to Mr. Hankey’s for creating the elegant Oni. It’s funny how a demonic dildo can feel so heavenly.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Njoy Disco

Kate Sloan

When my friends at Peepshow Toys reached out and asked if I wanted to review the newest toy from Njoy, the Disco, I replied as soon as I saw the email: “YES PLEASE!! SEND IT OVER IMMEDIATELY!!”

…Okay, that’s not literally what I said. I was much more polite about it. I am a professional, after all! But the point is: my response was enthusiastic and unambiguous – because it’s been years since Njoy released a new toy.

Their existing lineup is legendary: the Njoy Pure Wand is widely considered the best G-spot/P-spot dildo, capable of inducing squirting and prostate milking; the Njoy Pure Plugs are the most comfortable and pleasurable anal toys I’ve ever tried; and the Njoy Eleven is a gratifyingly huge chunk o’ steel that reliably makes me come so hard I cry, and was also pivotal to how I met my partner. Needless to say, I have a lot of history with Njoy toys, so I was verrrrry curious about the first new product they’ve released in my entire time in this industry!

Njoy founder Greg DeLong reportedly used to bring prototypes of Njoy works-in-progress to parties at sex conferences, and the Disco is one he’s been showing off in this way for many years – so, while I’d heard stories from my sex blogger friends about its beautifully bizarre shape, I was eager to experience it for myself.

What the hell is the Njoy Disco? What is it for?

This was my main question about the Disco before I tried one, and it’s still my main question about the Disco now, although I’ve figured out some ways to use it that work for me.

Most Njoy toys have some descriptive text on their product page which explains what part(s) of the anatomy the toy is best-suited to target, such as the G-spot or prostate. No such information is provided about the Disco, on Njoy’s website nor in the catalogue booklet that comes with the toy. The only information we’re given says that the Disco “is designed to bring a touch of sophistication to your intimate moments,” which is true of all Njoy toys, IMO, so it’s not very helpful! While I appreciate the way this kind of vagueness invites customers of all genders and anatomies to try the toy (which they definitely can!), I also think that some instructional materials, or even just suggestions, can be helpful for users of all experience levels. That’s especially true if your toy does something innovative or unusual that the user is unlikely to have encountered before.

And indeed, most users won’t have encountered anything like the Disco before. It’s shaped like five interlocking discs, some oriented vertically and some horizontally. The discs are graduated in size, like anal beads, ranging from 1.18″ to 1.96″ across – but the Disco is wider, firmer, and more oddly-shaped than anal beads tend to be. It has a slim neck and a flared base, like a butt plug – but it’s far too heavy, long, and pokey to work well as a butt plug. It has comparable dimensions to dildos I enjoy, with its 6.2″ of insertable length – but its shaft is totally straight, so it doesn’t target internal erogenous zones by curving into them, like many dildos do.

So what is the Disco for? I was only able to answer this question through research and experimentation. Reading other people’s reviews – including Smash’s, Felicity’s, and Ruby’s– gave me more information about how the toy can be used, including the insight that it may have been named the Disco because it’s intended to be rotated, like a disco ball.

Indeed, twisting and twirling the Disco seems to be the most effective way to use it, at least for me and some other reviewers. Each disc’s rounded edge rubs my G-spot every time I roll it against that zone. The way I use it most often is: I angle it slightly so it’s pressed against my front vaginal wall, I hold the base between my thumb and two fingers, and I twist back and forth in short motions. Sometimes I also thrust in and out in short strokes at the same time, so that the Disco massages my G-spot in circles.

By the way, I didn’t try this toy anally, on myself or on a partner, because 1) my spouse and I are 500 miles apart right now and 2) I truly don’t think my butt could handle this thing. But if you want some thoughts from someone who did use it that way, check out this Reddit post.

Things I like about the Disco

  • When I get into a rhythm with the Disco, it provides a unique type of G-spot stimulation I haven’t experienced with other toys. Instead of pushing into my G-spot or thrusting over it, the Disco can roll sideways across it (or in circles, depending on how I’m using it). I associate this sensation moreso with human fingering than with dildos, so it’s cool that I have a sex toy now which can give me that feeling. It’s gentler than some other G-spot stim methods, and doesn’t feel direct enough to consistently make me squirt, but it still builds me up to intense orgasms when paired with clit stimulation. (Heed my advice, though: use a lot of lube with the Disco, and get turned on before inserting it, or else its shape will feel more abrasive than pleasurable.)
  • There’s enough length on this thing that I can reach my A-spot with the very tip of it, which is helpful when I’m getting close to orgasm and want to push myself over the edge with some deep pounding. (However, if I was specifically craving A-spot stim, I’d reach for a different dildo – the Disco just barely nudges that spot, and lacks the curve it’d need to really get in there.)
  • The Disco is a limited-edition release: only 1,000 have been made, and each one has its own unique number etched on the base (mine is #0406). This doesn’t really have any practical benefits, of course, but it does make the Disco feel like a piece of sex toy history that many sex toy nerds would be glad to own. (Incidentally, as a completionist, I really need to get my hands on a small Pure Plug eventually, as then my partner and I will own the entire Njoy lineup between the two of us!)
  • The Disco comes with a gorgeous storage/travel case, which is metallic silver to match the toy and has a luxe-feeling magnetic closure. The case is just the right size that you could store the Disco in there and also throw in a miniature bottle of lube or a bullet vibe when traveling.
  • I like the triangular shape of the handle; I find it a bit more comfortable and ergonomic to hold and thrust with than the oval-shaped handles on the Pure Plugs. The triangle shape also seems to make the twisting-back-and-forth motion easier to achieve.
  • The shape of the toy and its handle is such that you could use it on someone while going down on them. The back-and-forth twisting you can do with the Disco is a smaller motion than the thrusting you’d do with most dildos, so maybe it would be less demanding/distracting for the giver than other dildos when used this way.
  • As expected for any Njoy toy, the Disco is stunning to look at. It’s a literal work of art. You could display it on your mantelpiece. You could have a still-life portrait painted of it and hang it on your wall. Njoy wasn’t kidding around when they described the Disco as “a testament to the fusion of pleasure and artistry.”

Things I don’t like about the Disco

  • The main problem I have with the Disco is that the twisting motion it requires (if you want to use it that way) is very different from how most people will be accustomed to using a dildo. There’s a learning curve initially, during which you’ll need to experiment and figure out how to use the Disco in the ways that feel best for you. I find it most comfortable to orient the handle vertically and gently jiggle it back and forth, but even that can get tiring/painful for my sore fingers and wrists, in a way that reminds me of using an un-ergonomic computer mouse for too long.
  • It’s really heavy for a sex toy – 3.25 lbs, which is even heavier than the Eleven (2.75 lbs). Granted, the Disco is a toy that you’ll (probably) just gently twist back and forth, rather than thrusting it in and out, so the weight isn’t as cumbersome as it otherwise might be – but it still tires out my arm and hand pretty quickly on days when my chronic pain is flaring up in those areas.
  • It’s quite expensive, at $180 USD. Certainly not as expensive as the Eleven ($400), but significantly pricier than the Pure Wand ($120), which I think would be a smarter buy for most people because it’s easier to use.
  • As much as I love having partners fuck me with dildos, I’d hesitate to trust most people with the Disco, because its length, straightness, and firmness are a recipe for painful cervix-poking. Even I sometimes bump my own cervix with it when I’m using it.

Final thoughts

The Njoy Disco is an artistic triumph of a sex toy, one that wouldn’t look out-of-place in a glass case at a museum, but also looks fantastic on my nightstand.

I think you’re likeliest to enjoy the Disco if:

  • You like firm G-spot or prostate stimulation
  • You enjoy trying sex toys that do unusual/innovative things
  • You don’t regularly experience muscle weakness/fatigue/pain/etc. in your hands or wrists
  • You’re a diehard Njoy fan and want to own as much of their collection as you can get your hands on

As for me, I think it’s a magnificent-looking toy, with an interesting shape that leaves a lot of room for creativity and experimentation – but it’s not something I’ll reach for very often. If I’m craving G-spot stimulation, I tend to want it to be more direct and more foolproof, as with the almighty Pure Wand. Most of the time, I want A-spot stim, for which I prefer the straightforwardness of the Eleven. The Disco’s heaviness, and the finicky nature of the twisting motion, also make it difficult for me to imagine using it consistently, what with the chronic pain and muscle weakness I sometimes have in my hands.

But damn, am I ever glad I own one. Njoy toys are a sex toy nerd’s wet dream.

 

This review wasn’t sponsored; Peepshow just sent me the dildo and asked me to write about it, and since it’s an Njoy toy, I was thrilled to do so!

Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys Captain’s Hook dildo

Kate Sloan

When I put the Captain’s Hook from Mr. Hankey’s Toys inside me for the first time, I said out loud, “Oh, this is gonna be my new favorite silicone dildo.” I think I was right. Let’s talk about why.

 

What is the Captain’s Hook, and how can it be customized?

The lovely folks at Mr. Hankey’s told me I could choose any 3 toys from their site to review (the other 2 reviews will be published in July and August, respectively, so keep an eye out for that!). Their catalogue of products is extensive, so it took me a while to pick some out – but the Captain’s Hook was a “fuck yes” as soon as I saw it.

It’s a realistic (i.e. dick-like) dildo, but with a strong upward curve not often found in human dicks. I am a fan of penises, to say the least, and this is a pretty perfect one if you’re looking for more intense G-spot or prostate stimulation than most flesh-and-blood cocks can offer.

Mr. Hankey’s products are almost all customizable, and this one is no exception. You can choose between 4 different sizes (S–XL), 4 different firmness levels, and about a zillion different colors, plus you can tell them whether or not you want a Vac-U-Lock hole in the base so you can use the toy with Vac-U-Lock-compatible harnesses, fucking machines, etc. (although the brand points out that this particular toy isn’t recommended for fucking machines because it might rotate due to being too heavy).

For my Captain’s Hook, I went with the small size, medium firmness, red color, and no Vac-U-Lock hole. (If you want some help choosing your desired firmness, check out this video the brand made. I went with the medium because I knew I wanted it to feel impactful enough on my G-spot, but didn’t want its veiny texture to feel overwhelming, as super-firm textured dildos often do for me.)

Like many other fantasy dildo companies, Mr. Hankey’s toys tend to be on the larger side – so even though I chose the “small” Captain’s Hook, it’s still one of the girthiest dildos I own, with a diameter ranging from 2″ just under the head to 2.2″ near the base. Its insertable length is about 7″.

 

My experience with the Captain’s Hook + some tips

As with any large penetrative toy, I’d recommend getting really turned on before you attempt to get this bad boy inside you. I always warmed up with a lot of clitoral stimulation, fantasy/erotica/porn, etc. when testing it. It’s like stretching before you climb a mountain – simply the sensible thing to do! Fortunately, the tapered tip of this toy makes it easier to insert than it otherwise would be, especially when drizzled liberally with a good water-based lube.

Besides comfort and safety, the other reason to warm up beforehand is sensitivity. The G-spot and prostate both swell with arousal, making them easier to access and stimulate. And hoo boy, does this toy ever stimulate my G-spot. The substantial girth, deep curve, and defined coronal ridge all come together to form a G-spot homing device – a phrase I’ve previously only used to describe the stainless steel Njoy Pure Wand. Now, don’t get me wrong, the Captain’s Hook doesn’t feel like the Pure Wand, exactly – silicone doesn’t feel like steel! – but their effects on my G-spot are similarly prone to knocking the wind out of me and making me squirt.

However, maybe the most amazing thing to me about the Captain’s Hook is that it can also hit my A-spot!! It’s rare for a toy to be good at G-spot and A-spot stimulation, because usually the pronounced curve required for G-spot stim is incompatible with comfortably sliding deeply enough to hit the A-spot. But because I chose the medium firmness, this dildo has juuust enough flexibility that it straightens out somewhat when I push it deep, so that it can stroke my A-spot when that’s what I’m craving. When I pull it back out to a shallower position, it immediately re-forms into its strongly curved shape, like it’s transforming back into G-spot mode. Fucking brilliant dildo design, if you ask me!

Thrusting hard and fast with this dildo, when I’m super turned on, is so intense that I’ve sometimes thought I could have a penetrative orgasm from it. This is particularly amazing because, like the majority of people with vulvas, I require clitoral stimulation in order to get off – so, even though I’ve still never had an orgasm from penetration alone and might never, it definitely impresses me when a dildo makes that type of climax feel within reach. Also, notably, this dildo is so stimulating internally that I don’t tend to need as much clit stim in order to get off – in one testing session, for instance, I came while my Eroscillator was on its first speed, an event so rare that I can probably count on one hand how many times it’s happened in the 12 years I’ve owned an Eroscillator. WTF!

I didn’t try the Captain’s Hook anally, because frankly my butt isn’t that accommodating or that brave, but I bet this would be a killer prostate dildo too, if the dimensions were manageable for you.

 

Chonky base alert!

Other cool things about the Captain’s Hook

I don’t tend to “ride” my dildos, but this one has a big, chunky base that would make it suitable for that type of play. It doesn’t have a suction cup, but its flat bottom and heavy base allow it to stay put relatively well during riding, at least if you’re on a flat, hard surface. The flared base also makes it harness-compatible. I imagine someone fucking me with this dildo in their harness would be a wild time.

I also gotta say, I love the red color. It’s very striking, and reminds me (fittingly) of the actual Captain Hook’s iconic red coat. I’ll show you, you cowardly crocodile!

 

Some potential drawbacks to consider

The possible “cons” of this toy are about what you’d expect: some users will find it uncomfortably large, and the veiny texture (while relatively subtle, as far as fantasy dildos go) might feel too intense for some people, especially in a hard firmness and/or with insufficient lube.

This toy is also somewhat heavy for a silicone dildo, owing in part to its hefty base. I have muscle strength issues from fibro and sometimes found that my arm would get tired when thrusting hard and fast with this dildo for a while. Switching arms helps, of course, and so does adding more lube, because the less friction there is, the less hard I have to push and pull the toy.

 

Final thoughts

I love the Captain’s Hook. There are a lot of girthy realistic dildos that I enjoy when I’m in the mood for them, but don’t think I’ve ever tried one that hits my G-spot and A-spot as relentlessly as this one. It leaves me breathless, and sometimes makes me forget my clit even exists (…for a few minutes, anyway… I’ll never actually forget about you, baby!).

While certainly this dildo wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea due to its substantial size and extreme curve, for me it’s the ideal toy when I really want to be filled up and pounded. No other realistic dildo in my collection is as deeply curved as this one; dick-like dildos tend to be enjoyable moreso for how they “fill up the hungry spot” inside me (to quote Nina Hartley), not for how they target specific spots. So to have a toy that can do both is just… *chef’s kiss*!

 

Thanks to Mr. Hankey’s Toys for sending me this product to review! This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Lovense Lush 3

Kate Sloan

Recently, sex toy company Lovense reached out to me and asked if I’d like to try their best-selling product, the Lush 3 vibrator, and write about it. I told them I already owned a Lush 3, so there was no need to send me another one, but that I’d happily review it – because it’s just an all-around solid toy, one that I’m glad to have in my collection. Let’s talk about it.

 

What is the Lovense Lush 3?

If the Lush looks familiar to you, it’s likely because you’ve seen it in porn clips or cam shows. It’s a favorite of many adult performers (and their fans) because of its interactivity features – like most other Lovense toys, you can connect it via Bluetooth to the Lovense app, and either control it yourself or invite someone else to control it.

I’m a frequent user of Lovense toys, because I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for over 6 years and we often use these toys during phone sex, to feel closer to one another when we’re apart. Some of my faves from the company’s lineup are the Exomoon (lipstick-shaped clitoral vibrator), Edge 2 (prostate/perineum massager), Max 2 (vibrating/squeezing stroker), and Gush (penis head/shaft vibrator).

The Lush 3 is meant to be inserted and “worn” vaginally, so that the vibrations stimulate your G-spot. It looks similar to a We-Vibe, but it’s not meant to be worn during penetrative sex like a We-Vibe is; it works better as a standalone vibe, although you can also pair it with a clitoral vibrator if you want, and I often do.

 

 

Things I like about this toy

  • The shape of the Lush is really well-suited for passive G-spot stimulation. It has a gently curved bump that protrudes to hit the right spot. The design also offers some leeway, to account for some people’s G-spots being deeper or shallower than others’; the body of the toy is wide enough, and its neck is bendy enough, that you can probably position it on your G-spot no matter where it’s located on your vaginal wall.
  • The vibrations get decently powerful at the high end – not as strong as a typical wand vibe or anything, but stronger than I’d generally expect for a vibe of this size. The Lush is buzzier than some other Lovense toys I’ve tried (meaning that the vibrations are higher-pitched and feel more surface-level), but I’ve often found that my G-spot actually likes a little buzziness. The Lush’s vibrations always feel comfortable to me, and don’t make my G-spot feel overwhelmed, uncomfortable or “itchy” like some super-buzzy G-spot vibes can.
  • It’s quite comfortable shape-wise, too, even when I wear it for a few hours at a time. The neck is slim enough that it doesn’t start to bother my vaginal opening after a while, as some other vaginally-wearable toys like the Hole Punch Fluke sometimes do. I also find that it stays inside me very well – I even wore it on an hour-long walk once and I never worried about it falling out. (I’d recommend skipping lube, or just using less, if you’ll be standing up/walking around a lot with the Lush inside you.)
  • Lovense’s Bluetooth capabilities are still some of the best in the biz. The connectivity isn’t flawless, but it is markedly better than that of Bluetooth toys I’ve tried from other brands. The Lovense app is much better designed than a lot of its competitors (according to my spouse, who develops iPhone software for a living). It has some features I never/rarely use, like a built-in video call functionality and the ability to sync vibrations to music, but it also doesn’t feel overstuffed with superfluous gimmicks like a lot of sex toy apps do.
  • It’s kinda quiet, once it’s inserted. Like, I wouldn’t wear this vibe in any situation where it would actually be disastrous if someone found out I was wearing it, because it is audible, especially on higher speeds – but if you’re in a relatively noisy public environment, or even one of a moderate volume like a restaurant/bar, you should be fine.
  • It’s fully waterproof, which makes cleanup much easier and also means I don’t have to worry about ruining my toy with vag juice.
  • It has a long battery life: you’ll get up to 5 hours of use from each charge. I’ve gone weeks or months without using mine and had it still be charged enough to use afterward.

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • My main problem with this vibrator is that it provides almost zero clitoral stimulation. The vibrations emanate from the toy’s larger (G-spot) arm, and conduct only weakly into the external arm, which barely even makes contact with my clit anyway. So, for me and for most other people with my anatomy, this toy wouldn’t be stimulating enough to cause an orgasm (despite Lovense’s frequent promises of “intense orgasms”) – although it still feels great, if you like G-spot vibration. If I want to come with this toy, I have to use another vibe on my clit at the same time, which entails scooting the Lush’s tail out of the way to make room. (For a Lovense toy that’s similar to the Lush but offers a lot more clit stim, check out the We-Vibe-esque Dolce.)
  • I wish the vibrations were rumblier (as many of Lovense’s other vibrators are) and stronger, mainly because then I could use the Lush as a clitoral vibrator when I felt like it, which would make it more versatile. As is, I only ever pull it out when I specifically want to be teased via G-spot vibration from a distance – a fun way to use it, certainly, but not a frequent craving that comes up for me.
  • It’s a small thing, but I wish the toy’s button was located on the side that faces out, not the side that sits on my clit, as this would make it easier for me to surreptitiously hold down the button when I want to pair or re-pair the toy in public. I don’t want to always have to go to the bathroom to do this.

 

Final thoughts

Is the Lovense Lush 3 worth its asking price of $119? I’d say yes, if any of the following things are true for you:

  • You like G-spot vibration and don’t particularly care about clit stimulation
  • You like G-spot vibration and are willing to stimulate your clit some other way (fingers? a bullet vibe? oral sex from a partner?) while using the Lush if you want to get off
  • You like G-spot vibration and you want a vibrator you can use with a long-distance partner
  • You like G-spot vibration and you want a vibrator suitable for discreet public play
  • You don’t like G-spot vibration, but you want a partner to be able to consensually torture you with it, in a kinky way

It’s not a toy I reach for very often, because (as mentioned) it can’t bring me to orgasm on its own – but orgasm isn’t always the point of every sex/kink session, and it’s a highly effective toy when my partner wants to tease me, from near or far. I’ve tested a bunch of these wearable, Bluetooth-compatible toys over the years, and the Lush 3 is definitely the best G-spot-focused one I’ve tried. Lovense nailed the shape and nailed the connectivity, so I can definitely see why this is their best-selling toy, even if it’s not the one I’ll grab when I want to get off (that would be the Exomoon!). This little pink vibe is iconic in its own way, having starred in so many pornos and cam shows, and I’m glad to own one.

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review. As always, all words and opinions are my own.