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Review: Clone-a-Willy

Kate Sloan

I take great pains to document my sex life, whether on my blog (as you can plainly see) or in my journals or even in texts to friends. It feels like an act of archiving experiences, cataloguing them, so that in some sense I can hold onto them forever. It makes sense, then, that I would also want to somehow replicate – and thereby keep – my favorite dicks I have known.

This impulse evidently must be pretty common, because the Clone-a-Willy has been one of the most-discussed sex toys in the entire industry for as long as I can remember. Made by the geniuses at Empire Labs (whom I was privileged to meet at an industry tradeshow recently), this kit contains everything you need to first make a mold of a particular dick, and then pour silicone into the mold to create a body-safe, fuck-ready copy of said dick. What an incredible gift Empire Labs has given to the world.

I’ve been wanting to try a Clone-a-Willy since the moment I first heard of the product, and was delighted when my pals at Mindful offered to send me a kit. My partner and I decided on the hot pink version – the toy also comes in various skin tones and glow-in-the-dark shades – because, in their words, “I already have a flesh-toned version of my cock. I don’t need another one.” I love that the company makes the toy in so many colors; it’s a seemingly small thing but it makes the whole process feel more fun and whimsical, while also potentially making the product more inviting to non-binary and gender-nonconforming users, or people who just like colorful cocks.

The kit includes the following components: a package of algae-based molding powder, two tubs of liquid silicone, a plastic tube to assemble the whole thing in, a single-speed vibrator, a thermometer for measuring water temperature, a wooden tongue-depressor-esque stick to help with dispensing the silicone, and appropriately detailed instructions. You, in turn, will need the following items of your own for the dick-cloning process: a measuring cup, a large mixing bowl, scissors, a timer, a disposable container (like the kind of thing takeout soup might come in), a mixing spoon, and a 4″x4″ square of cardboard.

The instructions are fairly easy to grasp once you’ve read through them a few times, but you do need to read them thoroughly. Much like cooking certain complicated dishes, the Clone-a-Willy process progresses fairly quickly once it gets started, so it’s best to do your “mise en place” beforehand as best as you can.

You can read the instructions online if you’re curious, but to summarize… You’ll first need to get your dick (or your partner’s dick) hard and cut the plastic tube so it’s only half an inch longer than the penis you’re seeking to clone. (The provided tube is 11 inches long by 2.5 inches wide, so it should fit all but the most record-breakingly enormous dicks.) Then, in your mixing bowl, you’ll stir the molding powder into a specified quantity of 90-degree water (hence the thermometer in the kit) for precisely 45 seconds and pour it into the tube. At this point, the dick-owner must shove their erect-as-possible penis into the tube while the molding mixture starts to solidify, which takes only about two minutes.

This is the most stressful part of the process, because it requires you to maintain an erection while your dick is swimming around in a tube full of lukewarm whitish liquid – not necessarily the sexiest situation. My partner and I dealt with this by setting up a hypnotic trigger beforehand which would give them an extra jolt of boner-boosting arousal whenever I said the word “hard.” I also helped out during these crucial two minutes by kissing them, touching their non-genital erogenous zones, etc. Keep that dick hard at all costs, and definitely don’t miss your window of time – this stuff solidifies fast!

Once your mold is more-or-less firm, you can remove your dick from the tube. The instructions recommend letting the mold harden for an additional 4-8 hours before moving onto the next step, in which you mix together your two jars of silicone, slowly pour them into the mold, and top it all off with your vibrator wedged through a piece of cardboard to keep it properly positioned in the toy. Then you let the whole thing sit for 24 hours or more, at which point your fully-formed silicone dick is ready for extraction (and enjoyment).

Let me make a case for why the Clone-a-Willy is the perfect vibrator kit to try in the age of coronavirus. First off, if self-isolation or quarantining has dictated that you can’t see your partner face-to-face or genitals-to-genitals for a while, it might be nice to send them a fuckable effigy of your bits to help them feel closer to you. (Empire Labs also makes an equivalent version for vulvas now!) On the other hand, if you and your partner are holed up together – as was my situation – Clone-a-Willy is like a sexy science experiment you can do together. It’s a bonding experience, a collaborative process, and could even be incorporated into a kink scene if you’re so inclined.

It’s also worth noting that, at about $50-60 depending on where you are, the Clone-a-Willy kit is cheaper than a lot of realistic silicone dildos out there. It does require more work on your part than just picking up a couples’ vibe at the store, obviously, but I think it’s well worth its reasonable price tag, especially for the quality of the dildo you end up with.

Once we extracted the finished dildo from the mold (after waiting the full recommended 24 hours, very impatiently), I was struck by just how lifelike it is. It didn’t capture the full length of the dick being replicated, nor did it have the beautiful color gradient of peach-to-pink-to-purplish that I adore on the aforementioned dick, since it’s just pink silicone – but every bump, ridge, vein, and curve was preserved. Both my partner and I looked upon it in awe and agreed that it looked immensely, even somewhat creepily, close to their actual dick. Uncanny valley ahoy!

Of course, we pretty much immediately started boning, and soon they fucked me with their silicone cock. It’s unmistakably firmer and more battering-ram-esque than an actual flesh-and-blood dick, but sometimes that’s preferable! It’s also a little bit difficult to hold if you’re fucking someone with it – the dial base of the vibrator isn’t anywhere near as grippable as a typical chunky dildo base the likes of which would fit into a strap-on harness – but we managed to make it work. It was cool being able to combine their cock with things it normally can’t easily be paired with, like the Magic Wand Rechargeable or their mouth.

As for the vibrator embedded in the toy, it’s nothing to write home about: it’s only got one speed, and requires just one AA battery, so it’s not exactly a powerhouse. That said, you could probably replace it with a different, equivalently-sized vibe if you were so inclined, or just take it out once the dildo is set. I’m not much for internal vibration anyway.

Overall I’m really glad to own a gorgeous copy of my partner’s magnificent dick. I’m also impressed at how well the folks at Empire Labs have managed to create a dildo-making process that even a layman (or laywoman or layenby) can figure out. The Clone-a-Willy is a unique product and could be a lovely gift, whether you present your partner with a ready-made duplicate of your genitals, or the full unused kit, ready to be busted out on a particularly ambitious date night.

 

This post was sponsored by the good folks at JustMindful, who also provided the toy for me to review. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Self-Isolating and Bored? Here’s 15 Pieces of Media to Entertain You…

Kate Sloan

Dear friends: This is a hard time. I’m proud of you for wherever you’re at, whether you can’t stop crying in bed or you’re doing pretty okay actually (or something else entirely). Whatever reaction you’re having is valid – as long as you’re not one of those “This virus is cleansing the planet!!” ecofascists or a “But people should still pay their rent somehow!!” capitalist.

My friend JoEllen recently published a list of “comfort media” to consume in These Trying Times. I wanted to do something similar, although I will say that not all of these works are necessarily comforting. Some of them are just cathartic, or absorbing, or all of the above. When I’m sad or anxious, sometimes I don’t want to turn away from those feelings – sometimes I want to walk right into them, revel in them, exorcize them from my body.

In that spirit, here are 15 pieces of media, across various genres and formats, that I think you might find helpful right now in one way or another. (A note: all the links to books in this post go to the Powell’s website. Powell’s is a great indie bookstore that you should absolutely support in these tough times if you can, instead of lining Bezos’s already-overstuffed pockets.)

Stephen King, it must be said, is a problematic fave. However, he has written some of the best apocalyptic fiction in the biz. I often find it useful to focus on his terrifying stories in times that are, themselves, also terrifying – because, I reason, I may be having a tough time but at least I’m not handcuffed to a dead man’s bed (Gerald’s Game) or running away from my axe-wielding husband (The Shining).

There are three King novels that feel particularly salient to me in These Times, and they are as follows. Under the Dome is one of my all-time favorite books – it’s a hefty 1,000 pages but the pace is snappy enough to make that seem reasonable, as is often the case with King. In this story, an invisible but impenetrable “dome” descends on a small town in Maine called Chester’s Mill, cutting off its residents from the outside world and plunging the population into a panic. You’ll see familiar moments in this story – grocery store riots, lying politicians – but also moments of hope, triumph, and the goodness of humanity. (P.S. If you like audio formats, you honestly owe it to yourself to read Under the Dome as an audiobook – it’s read by the ever-wonderful Raúl Esparza and is beyond compare in its genre, IMO.)

The King novel most prescient of our current situation is, of course, The Stand, his epic novel about a flu strain engineered by the army as a biological weapon which then gets leaked into the world by accident. It quickly infects and kills over 99% of Earth’s population, and the survivors are left to cobble together some semblance of a new society in the wreckage. There’s lots of good stuff in here about friendship, grit, and goodness – all balanced with plenty of that signature King darkness and evil. This book shows a version of pandemic response that’s far more drastic than anything our world will likely face due to COVID-19, so it’s escapist in the sense that it allows you to think, “Well, things are bad, but at least they’re not this bad.”

I also gotta shout out my favorite lesser-known King novel, the relatively recent Sleeping Beauties, which he co-wrote with his son Owen. This one’s also about an apocalyptic scenario of sorts: all the women on Earth start contracting a mysterious illness where, when they fall asleep, they essentially go into a coma and cannot be awakened. Hilariously, we then get to see what happens when the men of the world are left to fend for themselves. Chaos ensues, obviously. This one isn’t as well-reviewed as some other King novels, but I wonder how much of that is due to its vaguely feminist themes!

If you like podcasts and/or roleplaying games and haven’t yet dove into the amazingness that is The Adventure Zone, you’re in for a treat. It’s my favorite podcast of all time – maybe even my favorite piece of narrative media ever? It has made me laugh and cry more than any other podcast, certainly.

TAZ is the three McElroy brothers (of My Brother, My Brother and Me and Polygon fame) playing tabletop RPGs with their dad. The first campaign, Balance, follows a flamboyant wizard named Taako, a wholesome carpenter named Magnus, and a goofy cleric named Merle as they work to collect 7 dangerous relics from all over their magical world. Start with episode 1; after that, there’s still SEVENTY-SIX more episodes for you to listen to in the first campaign alone. (Yeah, it’s a hugely epic story.) One of the later campaigns, Amnesty, is also a gorgeous blend of comedy, camaraderie, and magical realism.

While we’re talking about immersive fantasy podcasts: have you heard of Hello from the Magic Tavern? It’s an almost entirely improvised narrative fiction podcast about a guy named Arnie who accidentally falls through a magic portal into a faraway fantasy land called Foon. Looking to understand the planet he’s landed on, Arnie sets up his podcast recording equipment at a nearby tavern and begins weekly interviews with various guests from around Foon – swordsmen, shopkeeps, goblins, and royalty – all while backed up by his two faithful cohosts, a self-aggrandizing wizard named Usidore and a horny shapeshifter called Chunt. Start with episode 1 and get lost in Foon – it definitely seems better than Earth right now!

Brilliant comedian and musician Lane Moore wrote a book called How to Be Alone which feels particularly needed at this time. It’s full of thoughts about anxiety, attachment, and the longing for intimacy, but its tone is ultimately hopeful – by the time I finished this book, I felt much better about the idea that I might not always have a partner, or tons of close friends, and that might be okay. If you’re struggling with feelings of loneliness and isolation, pick this one up; reading it is like having a profound chat with a good, smart pal.

Lane is also doing a nightly Twitch show (last I checked, anyway) at 8 p.m. Eastern time, also called How to Be Alone, that you can watch right here. She describes it as being like Pee-Wee’s Playhouse for lonely adults – and don’t we all need that right now?!

Looking for something uplifting to read? You really can’t do much better than Alexandra Franzen’s You’re Going to Survive, for which she interviewed professionals across multiple fields (cuisine! music! fashion! non-profits!) about the hardest moments of their careers and how they got to the other side. I’ve never seen a more striking illustration of the notion that “this too shall pass,” always.

If you’re less about distraction and more the type of person who likes to dive directly into your feelings and face them head-on, I highly recommend the movie Contagion (2011), a fast-paced thriller about a high-mortality virus that originates in bats and pigs and quickly spreads around the world. It’s topping the charts right now on streaming sites and whatnot; evidently a lot of people are turning to it, for one reason or another.

The main thing I found comforting about this film is that the scientific and medical professionals in it are incredibly competent and smart (and are, notably, mostly women). The science presented in the movie was thoroughly researched and the moviemakers consulted professionals in the relevant fields, so one could even say Contagion is educational. On an emotional level, watching the brilliantly-acted suffering of mb Damon’s character – who (mild spoilers here) loses his wife and son within the first few minutes of the movie – is cathartic in the most ineffable of ways. He is us and we are him. Hang in there, mb Damon.

If you like fanfiction – and even if you don’t – the novel-length Sherlock stories written by Katie Forsythe (a.k.a. Wordstrings) are worth looking into. She’s a brilliant writer who explores themes of mental illness through the familiar characters of the Holmes universe. I find it’s very hard to worry about my own problems (or even my own planet’s problems) when I’m tracking Sherlock and John’s journeys through crime scenes, drug hazes, and sexual tension.

All the Best and Brightest Creatures might be my fave. An asexual (but not sex-repulsed) Sherlock gets together with a bewildered-yet-horny John, all while they try to solve mysteries set in place by one Jim Moriarty. I’m not sure I’ve ever read a fanfic story so gripping. And conveniently, Archive of Our Own lets you export fanfic in formats that’ll work on your e-reader, so you can lounge in bed or in the tub with Sherlock and John to keep you company.

It’s all too easy to fall into a YouTube rabbit hole these days, consuming news videos and conspiracy videos galore about the current situation. But why not make your YouTube gallivanting into a more pleasant, educational, and uplifting endeavor? I can’t recommend Philosophy Tube highly enough – it’s a campy-yet-esoteric video series in which the dazzling Olly Thorn presents his ideas on topics as wide-ranging as sex work, witchcraft, and Jordan Peterson. He takes an honest look at the world as it is, and theorizes on ways it could be better, kinder, stronger. His videos are also plenty theatrical and silly at times – this isn’t some dry philosophy lecture!

While I’m talking about YouTube, I would be remiss not to mention the Bon Appetit channel, which is basically porn if you enjoy food, competence, and kindness. Our mess of a planet kind of fades into the background while you’re watching, for example, Claire Saffitz trying to make KitKat bars from scratch, or Amiel Stanek sampling every way to cook an egg. I wish the channel would start putting out videos of the BA chefs making quarantine-appropriate dishes from their own separate homes!

If you are a video game person, you’ve probably already been turning to your games of choice for entertainment and comfort. But if you’re looking for recommendations specific to this moment, I’ve gotta say that the immersive, competitive, and plot-driven nature of the Pokémon games has made them invaluable to me through all of this. You add “pocket monsters” to your team, train them, and battle with them, all while traversing strange lands and meeting interesting people. I would suggest starting with HeartGold or SoulSilver if you’re new to the series – they’re both fairly accessible and they also take longer to get through than most (if not all) of the other main-series games. If visuals are important to you, the X/Y and Sun/Moon versions look much nicer, though they are definitely less challenging than previous iterations.

There’s also the game everyone is talking about right now, Animal Crossing. A new version is out for the Switch but I’m also quite partial to the 3DS version, New Leaf. Animal Crossing is essentially the Seinfeld of games, in that it’s a game about nothing: you have a house in a small idyllic town, and you can make friends with your neighbors, decorate your home, go fishing, buy cute clothes, and just generally lead a low-stakes fantasy existence. If you need a whole other life to distract you from your real life, Animal Crossing is definitely a good option.

Along similar lines, it’s very easy to get absorbed in any Harvest Moon game. The focus of these is farming, which doesn’t seem like it would be that interesting – and indeed, sometimes isn’t – but it has clear goals, and sometimes you need that. You can also befriend (and even marry) other villagers, mine for valuable ores, upgrade your home, take care of livestock, and cook from recipes. My favorite in the series is the very simple and straightforward Friends of Mineral Town.

What media are you turning to these days?

15 Sex Toys For When Your Hands Hurt

Kate Sloan

My hands hurt most days lately. It’s one of the many manifestations of my as-yet-undiagnosed chronic pain disorder, and a particularly annoying one, given that I type words for a living. Fun!

However, in better news, I have noticed that the sex toy industry is (slowly, slightly) starting to become more inclusive of folks with chronic pain and other disabilities. Here are some toys I think could be useful if you, like me, struggle with pain, inflexibility, and/or weakness in your hands…

The Fun Factory BeOne is a bullet-sized vibrator that fits comfortably between two fingers, so you don’t have to grip it with your sore hands. The tip curves comfortably into the clitoris without much effort or angling required. I wish the motor was rumblier, and that the button for changing speeds was placed more conveniently (I can’t hit it without temporarily changing my finger placement, which disrupts flow sometimes), but I’m glad vibes like this exist. Along similar lines, you could also try “finger vibes” like the Jopen Key.

I recently got my hands on a Tenga SVR, a small vibrator attached to a silicone loop. You can use this contraption as a cock ring that offers external stimulation for the clitoris or perineum during penetrative sex, or you can use the vibrator clitorally while the loop is wrapped around two or three of your fingers. This gives a little extra grip and stability, which I find useful when hand pain is flaring up. This vibe is also great for finger-banging, an idea I first found out about from Kevin Patterson: you can slip your fingers through the loop and then slide them inside your partner, and the vibrator portion of the toy will stimulate them externally. Neat! (The LoveLife Rev looks to be a similar type of vibe, though I can’t attest to how it holds up against the SVR’s motor, which is wonderfully rumbly and strong.)

The new We-Vibe Wand has a feature called SmartSilence that a lot of reviewers have hated, but that could be useful for folks with pain or strength issues in their hands. The feature causes the toy’s vibrations to “pause” when you remove the toy from your body, and resume once you bring it back into contact with your skin. While I can understand why some people find this aggravating, it might be useful for those moments when you need to re-lube a dildo, adjust the vibration speed, take a drink of water, answer a text, etc. but don’t want to expend precious hand function on pressing finicky buttons. Just lift the vibe away from your body and go do what you gotta do.

While I’m talking about We-Vibe… Hands-free vibrators like the We-Vibe Sync (read my full review here) are a godsend on bad pain days. I like this one in particular because you can adjust the two hinges so that the toy applies your ideal amount of pressure to both your clit and your G-spot. You can control the Bluetooth-enabled toy with an app on your phone, which I definitely find less physically taxing than pressing buttons.

Another new, potentially helpful product from this savvy company is the We-Vibe Chorus. It’s very similar to the Sync in shape and motor quality, but it uses a technology called AnkorLink that’s supposed to be more reliable than Bluetooth (so less tinkering required), and its accompanying remote optionally lets you control the vibrations by squeezing it: harder squeezes = stronger vibrations. Depending on how your hand pain manifests, this might be easier for you than pushing buttons or operating an app.

Pulsators, in general, are a lovely option for chronic-pain sufferers, because (as long as you brace yours against something like a pillow between your legs) you can get “fucked” without the exertion of manual thrusting. My current favorite is the Fun Factory Stronic G (read my review here), though if you’d like some rumbly clitoral or perineal vibration alongside your pulsation, the Bi Stronic Fusion is also terrific.

On bad pain days, I prefer vibrators with dials over those with buttons, as I find them easier to operate. The CalExotics Turbo Glider (read my review here) is a classic, and – while it lacks the bells and whistles of many other vibes I’ve mentioned here – it holds up, despite how long it’s been around. And it costs less than $20! If you don’t mind spending more to get more power, many BodyWand models also have dials instead of buttons.

If you have a prostate and like to have it stimulated, some of the best hands-free options for that are Aneros prostate massagers. They’re designed to rock back and forth against your spot when you squeeze and relax your muscles. Some people can even have orgasms from this alone!

As for penile stimulation, some kind of vibrator is probably your best bet if your hands hurt – it won’t require as much (or any) squeezing and stroking; you can just hold it on your shaft and/or against your frenulum and it’ll do the work for you. These toys even work without an erection in many cases. Two of the most popular and high-quality options on the market right now are the Fun Factory Cobra Libre II and the Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo Lux. (The latter can even be controlled with a wristwatch-like remote, for added ease of use.)

Finally, I would be remiss not to mention the Liberator Jaz, a compact sexual positioning aid made of firm foam covered in soft, washable microsuede. (Read my full review here.) Sometimes my hand and arm pain is so bad that it hurts even to reach all the way down to my genitals unaided; the Jaz tilts my hips toward me, not a lot, but enough that it’s not so much of a strain to touch my own junk. I’ve had mine for years and I still adore it.

What sex toys do you turn to when your hands are achy?

Reviews: Fun Factory Stronic Real + Stronic G

Kate Sloan
The Stronic Real (purple) and Stronic G (blue).

It’s very rare, as a sex toy reviewer, to be able to say that any product is truly unique. The sex toy industry has been around for long enough now that hardly any products bring anything genuinely new to the table – most of them are just improvements on (or attempts to improve) toys that already exist. While that’s a noble goal, sometimes I find myself thirsting for invention rather than just innovation.

Fun Factory really did reinvent the wheel a few years back when they launched their Stronic line of products. These toys actually thrust back and forth using technology I haven’t seen elsewhere. You can get Stronic-style movement in a whole bunch of different shapes now, which is great news because it means more people can enjoy this seemingly magical thrusting!

Recently I was lucky enough to be sent two new(ish) Stronic toys, and I’m gonna review them for you today. They’re both rechargeable, waterproof, made of silicone and plastic, and not anal-safe (due to the lack of a flared base), and both have a wide variety of speeds and patterns, but other than that, they’re pretty different, as you’ll see…

The Stronic Real (sent to me by the lovely folks at Betty’s Toy Box) is, as its name suggests, Fun Factory’s take on a “realistically” shaped toy. But this company isn’t exactly known for realism, so this toy moreso gestures at the idea of a penis than actually depicts one. I don’t mind that – dicks’ coronal ridge and thrusting action are two of my favorite qualities of theirs, and both of those are present here.

The thing you need to know right away about the Stronic Real is that it seems to be the best choice from the Stronic line for those of us who enjoy A-spot stimulation. It’s long enough to hit the spot in question, and has the exact shape that works best for me when I’m trying to reach my A-spot while satisfying the rest of my vagina too: a thick shaft and a tapered tip with a slight upward curve. If I ease the Stronic Real into my vag as far as it’ll go (using lots of lube, because Fun Factory silicone is draaaaggy), and brace the base of it with my hand or a pillow so it doesn’t slip out as it thrusts, it can stay pretty focused on my A-spot so I can pay attention to whatever I’m doing to my clit. (Probably using the Eroscillator on it, let’s be real.)

The Stronic G, by contrast, doesn’t usually even need to be braced against something – because it locks onto my G-spot and basically stays there. This phenomenon sets it apart from other toys in the Stronic line, to a significant enough extent that I could see turning to this one when the chronic pain in my hands is flaring up and I can’t (or don’t want to) hold a penetrative toy.

I’m not known for my squirting the way some other bloggers are, but boy howdy, this toy sure makes me squirt a lot. In my inaugural Stronic G session with my partner, I soaked through their bedsheets so thoroughly that we decided to belatedly put down a towel – which I then promptly soaked through, too. The thrusting feels a lot like a skilled partner fingerbanging you at the high rate of speed that many people find causes squirting. I find that it’s more of a constant trickle, unlike the bigger, more theatrical expulsions prompted by something heftier like the Pure Wand. If you’ve been curious about learning to squirt, the Stronic G might be a revelation for you – but on the flipside, if you find G-spot stimulation overwhelming or unpleasant, you will likely hate this toy. It is a G-spot-focused jackhammer and is, as Epiphora would say, not for the faint of vagina.

Neither the Real nor the G can hit my internal spots with the amount of force, accuracy, and frankly, slowness that I tend to prefer when partners use their fingers on those spots. It’s sort of like the difference between tickling and massage. I can definitely have orgasms with the faster, more surface-level stimulation provided by the Stronic toys – and I have, many times – but they have a different, more frenetic and less profound quality than orgasms I have when my spots are being stimulated more methodically and firmly. (This is why, as I get closer to orgasm, I sometimes ask my partner to switch from fucking me with the Stronic G to using something with more chutzpah, like the Eleven, to finish me off.) However, for toys that are more-or-less hands-free, they do an excellent job replicating the sensation of being fingerbanged. If you like getting fucked fast – or if you tend to thrust your dildos in and out on the quicker side of the spectrum – you’ll likely enjoy these.

Do I think you need both the Stronic Real and the Stronic G in your collection? Certainly not. The latter is best for hardcore G-spot stimulation enthusiasts, while the former is likelier to satisfy those who like A-spot stimulation and/or general vaginal fullness. But I am, admittedly, quite glad to own both. They’re both very damn good at their core competencies – and when you’re craving a Stronic, nothing else will do.

 

Thank you so much to Betty’s Toy Box and Fun Factory, respectively, for sending me these products to try!

The Most Exciting New Sex Toys I Saw at ANME

Kate Sloan

Last weekend in Burbank, California, I attended my first ANME Founders, a tradeshow where sex toy manufacturers hobnob with retailers and media-makers while showing off their latest flashy toys. It was an exhausting trip – me and Bex were there drumming up interest for a forthcoming publishing project we’re working on – but the toys excited me nonetheless. Here are my faves that I saw…

California Exotics has a new line of bullets coming out called Glam. They are shiny and pretty, but – as anyone who’s read (or written) a lot of sex toy reviews could tell you – that doesn’t always mean a product is good-quality or can make you come.

However, when I picked up this bullet and turned it on, I said, “Whoa!” It was way rumblier than I was expecting. It also comes in a gorgeous turquoisey-blue. I’ll be impatiently refreshing the CalEx website until they release this little beaut.

Likewise, Dame has also released a new bullet. It’s called the Zee, and it is bright blue, USB-rechargeable, and decently rumbly (it’s comparable to their Kip clitoral vibrator which I reviewed recently). It’s cool to see this company expanding their catalogue so colorfully, and putting effort into making sure their motors are great.

I was heartened to see that many companies are now offering vibes that are easy to grip between your fingers, like the Blush Novelties Noje B6. As someone with a chronic pain disorder that often manifests as soreness, stiffness, and/or weakness in my hands, I appreciate having options that don’t require me to (literally) white-knuckle my way through hand pain in order to get off.

The folks at Clone-a-Willy have created a vulva-focused version of their flagship product: you can cast a mold of your bits and attach them to a Fleshlight-esque sleeve. A lot of people ask me whether there’ll ever be something similar for the inside of the vagina, but the folks at Clone-a-Willy told me that would be invasive and scientifically difficult – I would imagine because of the way the vag flattens in on itself when not “in use.” But this product is a perfectly serviceable substitute, and frankly I think my partner, for one, would be plenty happy owning a fuckable facsimile of my bits!

In a stroke of true genius, a company called CellMate has introduced an app-controllable chastity device. It’s ideal for people who like to do solo chastity play as well as folks who prefer to do it with a partner acting as their “keyholder.”

I suspect this product is also geared toward pro dommes (including those who only interact with clients online), since a sales rep told me one person can control up to 50 devices from their app at a time! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I love the ingenuity of kinksters.

Finally: maybe this is old news – I wouldn’t know, because I barely follow Lelo anymore, now that they’ve fucked up so many times that I kinda feel gross even using their toys – but Lelo now makes a beauteous turquoise version of their large Smart Wand. I loved mine when I owned one, but the battery completely died after less than two years. If they’ve updated this toy’s inner workings so the battery lasts longer and the toy doesn’t have weird mechanical defects, that could be intriguing… if not for the fact that they still haven’t answered for their various past missteps. SIGH.

What upcoming sex toys are you excited about?