Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Womanizer Vibe (Womanizer’s First Vibrator!)

Kate Sloan

What is the Womanizer Vibe?

You might know Womanizer as the inventors of pressure-wave technology, which uses rhythmic air pulses to stimulate the clit – or, occasionally, other bits, like the G-spot or even the frenulum of a penis. I reviewed the very first Womanizer back in 2015 and have been following their meteoric rise ever since.

The Vibe is their latest product, and it’s different from anything they’ve done before, because it’s a regular ol’ vibrator, not a pressure-wave toy. Specifically, it’s meant to be a “lay-on” vibrator, meaning that you can lie face-down on top of it, or sit on it, with the tip pressed against your genitals, and then grind against it while it vibrates. (You can use it in other ways, too, but that’s what it’s designed for.)

It’s shaped like your typical Womanizer, but there’s no air nozzle to put on your clit. Instead, there’s a softly pointed tip that’s firm but draped in silicone, which gives it a little squish, similar to the tip of the Dame Kip or We-Vibe Touch.

I’m not much for lay-on vibes in general, but when a big sex toy brand enters a new category, of course I’m gonna be intrigued! So I’ve put the Vibe through its paces and can tell you all about it.

Things I like about the Womanizer Vibe

  • Let it be said: this toy’s vibration is extremely rumbly – by which I mean that its vibrations are low-pitched and satisfying, they stimulate not only the surface of my body but also deeper clitoral structures, and they don’t cause numbness for me like buzzier vibes can. The rumbliness works well whether I’m holding the vibe manually on my clit or grinding against it, even with a fair amount of pressure.
  • This may well be the quietest vibrator I’ve ever used. Ever. Womanizer calls it “noiseless” and “silent,” and I wouldn’t go that far – it’s still a machine, so there’s still some noise involved – but even on the highest speed, I can only hear it at all when it’s less than an arm’s length away from me. Otherwise, it’s inaudible. So, if you’re looking for a super discreet vibrator, I can enthusiastically recommend this one! (It gets louder if you’re grinding against it while it’s pressed against a hard chair, a firm mattress, or similar, but not by much.)
  • The shape of the toy is well-designed for grinding against – as you might expect, since that’s what they made it for! I have a picky clit that prefers to be stimulated through the hood or inner labia, and this toy’s so-called “Pleasure Edges” allow me to line myself up right where it feels the best and grind away. It’s a stark contrast to Womanizer’s pressure-wave toys, which often feel too direct for me. I also love that they covered the whole grindable area of the toy in firm silicone that has just a bit of squish to it – it strikes the right balance between comfort and intensity.
  • Like some other Womanizer toys, this one has an “autopilot mode.” You can activate it by holding down the “~” button for two seconds. When in autopilot, the toy runs through a pre-set vibration program – sort of like a vibration pattern, except longer, more gradual/fluid, and (for me, at least), more enjoyable. I normally don’t like vibration patterns because I find them too jarring and not stimulating enough, but these ones are much more like being teased by an actual human being. And if you find yourself suddenly wanting to take back control of the toy, it’s as easy as pressing down that same button for two seconds again to switch back into manual mode.
  • The overall, uh, hand-feel of this toy is really pleasing. You can tell that these people have done user research and know a thing or two about ergonomics and design. I find this toy comfy to hold, even with my achy hands, and its buttons are placed well for easy access. The silicone is smooth and matte to the touch. It feels sexy in your hand.
  • Speaking of buttons: they’re great. While I wish that I didn’t always have to reach down to press them (more on that below), they are very easy to find by touch alone, because the “+” button is bigger and more raised than the “–” button, and the autopilot button is even smaller and set slightly apart from the first two. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness of this choice and I hope more sex toy companies follow Womanizer’s lead on this one.
  • I haven’t gotten to test it this way yet, but I imagine that the Vibe could work well on (some) penises, if the pointed tip – or the curve just below it – was pressed against the frenulum area, or wherever is most sensitive. It could be gender-affirming for some transfeminine folks to use it, although I still think the Hot Octopuss Pulse and Fun Factory Manta are the best penis vibrators on the market right now.
  • It’s fully waterproof! Yay!

Things I don’t like about the Womanizer Vibe

  • Womanizer has repeatedly emphasized that the Vibe is designed to “avoid overstimulation” and to be less intense than more pinpointed vibrators, and indeed, it’s not as powerful as I wish it was. Even cranked all the way up to the max (10th) speed, I think it’s only about as strong as the first speed (of four) on the Magic Wand Rechargeable, or maybe a little stronger. That being said – as I mentioned before, this vibrator is designed for the user to “lay on” it and grind against it, and it works well for me (i.e. feels good and can get me off) when used in that way. But when I’m just lying on my back and using it like a wand, without moving it against myself at all, it’s not strong enough to get me there.
  • In using the toy as intended (i.e. by lying on it and humping it), I reeeeeally wished it could be controlled via a phone app. It’s annoying to have to reach down between your body and the bed to locate the buttons whenever you want to change the vibration speed. Using the autopilot mode helped a bit with this problem, but sometimes I want more control than that.
  • I got the blue colorway, and while I normally love blue sex toys, this one is a weirdly depressing shade of navyish grey. It’s like the sex toy equivalent of a suit you’d begrudgingly wear to a temp job. But the good news is that it also comes in a springy pale green and a reddish pink.
  • I say this every time I review a Womanizer product, but: I still hate their name. I know changing your company name is a Whole Thing, but dear god, it’s just so bad. Womanizer? Really? In the year of our lord two thousand and twenty-fucking-four? Can we… not?
Size/shape comparison with the Womanizer Next (left) and my beloved Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen (right)

Final thoughts

I’m not a big grinder. Generally I prefer to lie back and let the toy do the work. So, while I may not be the ideal user for the Womanizer Vibe, I’m nonetheless delighted to own one. It’s ultra-rumbly, ultra-quiet, and clearly well-made.

For me, it works best when used as intended. When I’m not in the mood for the physical exertion of humping a vibe, I can still use this toy, but the “lay-on” position is where it really shines. It lacks the sheer power to be stimulating enough as a regular, handheld vibe, unless you’re moving against it – or are quite sensitive.

On that note: you might enjoy the Vibe if you’ve found that typical Womanizer-type toys feel too intense or direct. It allows for a wider variety of approaches and sensations than pressure-wave toys do, and its rumbly vibration is less overwhelming than focused air waves, but the toy is overall shaped very similarly to most Womanizers, so you’ll get all the ergonomic and aesthetic benefits of that.

You should also consider the Vibe if you want a toy that’s basically inaudible – like if you live with family or nosy roommates. And I think it’d make a great gift for beginners to the world of sex toys; it’s understated, easy to use, and starts at a very low speed, so it’s unlikely to intimidate even the newest of newbs.

We need more toys like the Womanizer Vibe in the world: simple, thoughtfully designed, well-made toys that just do what they’re supposed to do. It may not be as flashy as the leopard-print-and-rhinestoned Womanizer I reviewed back in 2015, but it feels a hell of a lot better – and will work for a hell of a lot more people, I suspect.

 

The Womanizer Vibe is available for purchase at:

 

This was not a sponsored review, although Womanizer did gift me the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Romulus Shop Olympia 10-Speed Wand

Kate Sloan

Oh god. I’m the wand girl now, aren’t I.

This was a fear I professed to my spouse while I was working on my miniseries about the Magic Wand, Making Magic. Some actors worry about getting typecast after a well-reviewed turn as a nerd or a cad; similarly, I was worried about becoming known forever as that gal who loves wand vibes.

But now, having reflected on it more, I kinda think: it’s fine. There are worse legacies I could have.

And I’m not just saying that because the wand girl gets sent a lot of wands, I swear.

 

What is the Romulus Shop Olympia 10-Speed Wand?

Like many sex toy stores I love, Romulus Shop carries a mix of classic, well-known shapes, and wild, out-there designs. Ever wanted to have your G-spot tapped while your clit is getting sucked? They’ve got a toy for that. How about a hairjob from Medusa? They’ve got a toy for that. Glass anal beads? Yep, they’ve got those, too. (I haven’t tried them and can’t personally attest to whether they’re good, but… whoa. Glass anal beads?!?)

However, in this case, I’m reviewing a tamer product: a humble wand. You know ’em, you love ’em; they’re the original muscle-massager-turned-orgasm-implement, and they tend to offer some of the strongest vibrations around. The Olympia is the most classic wand that Romulus Shop carries.

Bendy neck

Things I like about the Olympia Wand

  • To me, the most impressive thing about this wand – especially for its low price point – is that each of its 10 vibration modes has 5 different intensity settings. Usually, on cheap vibrators, you’re lucky if you get 3 different steady vibration intensities plus a handful of patterns – but this wand gives you a steady vibration mode + 9 pattern modes, all of which have 5 different intensity levels to choose from. This gives each pattern way more versatility and makes it likelier for me to actually use patterns, because (for example) I can start with a low, rumbling pulse and work my way up to a high-powered pulse, without needing to interrupt the flow by cycling through other patterns.
  • The lowest intensity has a nice vibration quality; I’d say it’s buzzy but leaning rumbly, and I find that it works well for building arousal. However, as I’ll describe later, I’m less thrilled with the buzziness of the higher intensities. But in terms of sheer power (i.e. vibration strength, rather than vibration quality/pitch), I’d say this one is pretty middle-of-the-road for a wand – decently strong but not wildly so.
  • The wand’s neck is very bendable in all directions, and the vibrations don’t weaken or cut out when the neck gets bent in this way, in my experience (although I’m sure, as with all wands, there is an amount of pressure that would eventually break it).
  • It’s pretty light, compared to other wands of its size. It feels like it’s maybe half the weight of the Magic Wand Rechargeable, if not lighter. There was a time when I would’ve considered this a drawback, since lighter toys can feel insubstantial and low-quality – but now that I live with chronic pain and strength issues in my hands/arms (among other places), it’s actually helpful for me when a toy doesn’t weigh much, because it means I can hold it for longer without getting tired, and can easily maneuver it to different spots around my vulva.
  • At first, I was concerned to see that the toy didn’t come with instructions – but its controls are actually fairly simple. You hold down the power button to turn the toy on or off, and then short-press that same button to cycle through vibration modes. The plus and minus buttons control the vibration intensity.
  • It’s waterproof! Yay! That’s unusual for a full-size wand like this one. Always nice to be able to use a toy in the shower or bath, or even just to be able to wash it in the sink without worrying you’ll ruin it.
  • At the time that I’m writing this, it’s on sale for $31.90 USD (or $46 CAD), which is pretty damn good for a full-size, rechargeable wand vibrator made of non-porous, body-safe materials.
Pictured with some wands you may have heard of

Things I don’t like about the Olympia Wand

  • The biggest problem with this toy is the vibration quality. I genuinely like the lowest of the 5 intensity levels, as I mentioned above, but levels 2 through 5 get progressively buzzier, resulting (for me) in the temporary clitoral desensitization that happens with high-pitched vibrations like these. I can’t get off with buzzy vibes like this unless I either physically move the toy in circles against me the whole time, or rush through the process so I come before most of the desensitization sets in.
  • It’s loud, even for a wand. My Apple Watch measured it at 71 decibels, while the Magic Wand Rechargeable tops out at about 50. With the Olympia, someone standing outside my bedroom door would likely be able to tell I was using a vibrator… although I will say that it gets a bit quieter when it’s pressed against my body and/or used under blankets.
  • Personal pet peeve: when you first turn it on, it always starts at the 3rd intensity level out of 5 – so if, like me, you prefer to work your way up from the lowest speed, you’ll have to manually turn it down every time you turn it on.

Final thoughts

The buzziness and loudness of this wand make it less than ideal for me, so the main reason I’d recommend it to someone is if price was a major factor for them. (It’s a very valid factor!)

So, here are some questions to ask yourself. Are you looking for a super budget-friendly wand? Do you enjoy, or just not particularly mind, buzzy/high-pitched vibrations? Are you okay with your toy being somewhat loud? If you said yes to all three, then I think the Romulus Shop Olympia Wand is worth considering. A wand vibe can be a versatile addition to just about anyone’s toy collection, because of all the many ways it can be used solo or with a partner, and I love that there are body-safe options available under $40, like the Olympia, so that strong vibrations are financially accessible to more people. This wand also has the benefits of being waterproof and very light and easy to wield.

I guess I am the wand girl, because I want everyone to be able to afford a wand if they want one. And to that end, I’m glad the Olympia exists.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write an honest and fair review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Solina Mega L ultra-realistic dildo

Kate Sloan

Have you ever eaten a piece of fruit so juicy, so ripe, and so delicious, it made you feel grateful that fruits exist at all, and that you’re alive to experience them?

Yeah, that’s how the Solina Mega L dildo makes me feel about dicks. Let’s discuss.

 

Dual-density silicone, ultra-realism, & size

For at least as long as I’ve been in this biz, dual-density silicone has been the gold standard for realism in dildos. For those unfamiliar, “dual-density” refers to the two different hardnesses of silicone used in these toys: their core is made of firm silicone, while the outer layer is made of squishier silicone. As a result, dual-density silicone dildos feel much more like actual human penises than single-density ones do – and you get the pounding power of a firmer silicone, sheathed in some comfortable cushioning, for an all-around satisfying sensation.

Plenty of companies make dual-density silicone toys these days, like Tantus, Vixen Creations, and Uberrime. By comparison, Solina is a relatively new arrival to the scene, and they’re knocking it out of the park, as you’ll see below.

On the topic of size: I requested the large, which (contrary to its name) is actually the smallest Solina. It has 6.75″ of insertable length and a max diameter of 1.5″. For me personally, this is a great size to use on an average day, as I don’t need to warm up much to take it, but it feels filling enough and can even hit my A-spot (more on that below). The XL size is 7.6″ x 1.8″, while the XXL size is 8.25″ x 2″.

Things I like about the Solina Mega L

  • Here’s the headline: this is one of the most realistic-looking and realistic-feeling dildos I’ve ever tried. It features ridges, veins, and a subtly beautiful color ombré that remind me of some of my favorite cocks, and it’s just dreamy. Its verisimilitude lends it well to pairing with various fantasies (I jerked off to the thought of this dildo being an advanced humanoid sex robot’s dick just this morning, in fact!), and it could also be a gender-affirming pick for some transmasculine people to strap on.
  • Unlike some other dual-density toys I’ve tried, this toy’s silicone is hardly draggy at all, but instead is smooth and matte. This allows it to glide comfortably in and out when properly lubed (with water-based lube), and I’ve found that I can even skip lube with this dildo if I’m already wet enough, which is rare with silicone.
  • Truly one of the best things about the Solina Mega L is that it only costs FORTY DOLLARS! For a hyper-realistic, body-safe, dual-density silicone dildo! If you’re not clued into typical sex toy pricing, just trust me: those exclamation points are warranted. I’d generally expect a dildo of this quality to run you $80 to $130, so seeing it priced at $40 makes my heart happy, as someone who wants good sex toys to be accessible to anyone who wants them. The XL and XXL are pricier, at $60 and $70 respectively, but that’s still less than I would expect for toys of this caliber.
  • This toy has a flared base that makes it anal-safe – yay! Additionally, it’s compatible with strap-ons and (some) fucking machines, and it has a suction cup, so you can attach it to a hard, flat surface, like a floor or a shower wall, for hands-free usage. I love how versatile this dildo was designed to be.
  • This is a FANTASTIC blowjob dildo, if you’re into that – 10/10, no notes. The smoothness and squishiness of the silicone make it orally pleasing, and the dimensions don’t hurt my jaw. Maybe I should practice my deepthroating skills with this thing, come to think of it…

Things I don’t like about the Solina Mega L

  • My main struggle when using this toy is that, like some people I’ve dated, it’s a bit too straight for me (*rimshot*). It can definitely reach and stroke my G-spot and A-spot, as mentioned above, but would do so better if it had a slight curve. As is, I have to manually angle it pretty intensely to get it to hit those spots (by tilting the base of the toy downward, toward my butt), and sometimes that’s hard for my hands/arms to sustain.
  • As of yet, it doesn’t seem to be available in any other skin tones beyond the light-ish one seen here. I hope that that changes in the future, especially since realistic dildos can be gender-affirming for many folks when worn in a strap-on or similar, and in situations like that, it’s (obviously) preferable if your dildo matches the rest of your body. (Edited to add: My friends at Peepshow Toys told me that Solina dildos should be available in darker skin tones by early 2025, yayyy!)
Close-up on veiny texture

Final thoughts

I wish the Solina Mega L had been around when I first started giving sex advice, because people were always asking for budget-friendly dildo recommendations, and back then it was rare to see a decently-designed, body-safe dildo for under $50. But there are a lot more financially accessible options available now, like the Solina toys, and I’m thrilled about that.

With the Solina Mega L, for just $40, you get a mega-realistic dildo that looks gorgeous and works well in a broad variety of situations, from solo sex to strap-on sex to hands-free shower shenanigans. I think that’s a pretty fucking good deal!

 

This post was not sponsored. Thanks to my pals at Peepshow Toys for sending me this toy to try! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Funzze Finger Vibe (& why accessible sex toys are great)

Kate Sloan

More companies should make sex toys that people with disabilities can use, because accessible sex toys are just better – and not only for folks with disabilities, but for everyone. Let me explain.

My spouse once gave a talk about accessibility in software, in which she described the curb cut effect: the phenomenon where features developed to be disability-friendly will end up benefiting a much larger population, too. Think, for example, of how an automatic sliding door can improve accessibility for people who use wheelchairs or mobility scooters, while at the same time, making it easier for able-bodied people to walk through the door if they’re, say, carrying two armloads of groceries, or wheeling their child in a stroller.

By that same token, I’m strongly in favor of more sex toy companies developing products that are accessible to all kinds of people, because we all benefit from those types of design choices, sometimes even in unexpected ways. Let’s talk about one such case, the Funzze Finger Vibe.

What is the Funzze Finger Vibe, and why is its accessible design potentially beneficial for everyone?

Funzze’s got quite a wide catalog of products, but the Finger Vibe caught my eye immediately, because it looked like it would be comfortable for me to hold, even on days when my hands are aching from fibromyalgia. It’s shaped like a fairly standard clitoral vibe, except that it has two little “wings” on the back which allow you to hold the toy between two fingers easily, without needing to apply much pressure to keep the vibe anchored in your hand. This could make this toy potentially much easier to use than standard clit vibes for people who struggle with muscle strength/mobility issues and/or chronic pain in their hands, myself included.

That being said, even if you’re able-bodied and able-handed(!), you can still find value in toys like these. Anyone seeking an “unobtrusive” toy, a toy that lets you forget you’re even using a toy, might consider getting a finger vibe – because once you’re accustomed to how the toy feels in your hand, it can (sometimes) feel like you’re just touching your partner (or yourself) the way you normally would, but with some vibration magically infused into your touch. It can be a much more intuitive and “natural”-feeling way of working some vibration into the mix.

But to sum up the actual specs: the Finger Vibe is a rechargeable, silicone and ABS plastic vibrator with 9 vibration settings.

Things I like about this toy

  • First of all, I feel like I need to mention upfront that it costs THIRTY DOLLARS. That’s a steal for a decent and versatile rechargeable vibe, and I have to keep its price point in mind when assessing it.
  • I really like the design of it, on both visual and tactile levels, from the stylized silicone “wings” that remind me of butterflies, to the shiny plastic heart panel just below them, to the way the toy feels in my hand. It’s comfortable, cute, and cool. My hand never gets tired from holding onto it, and it’s easy on the eyes, too. The wings have enough flexibility that they should be able to fit a broad range of finger sizes, and they’re designed in such a way that I almost never lose my grip on the toy.
  • Specifically, I really like the contoured shape of the part that goes on your clit (or whatever other pinpointed body part you’re aiming this toy at). It’s well-shaped for the purpose and allows me to hit my clit without needing to hold my labia out of the way, as some flatter vibes require.
  • Crucially, the button is placed in a location that actually makes sense. I’ve previously tried a vibe very similar to this one, which had a button in a hard-to-reach location that required me to use my other hand to press it, every single time. With this one, the button is located comfortably within reach of my middle fingertip when I’m holding the toy, but it’s tucked out of the way just enough that I never hit it by accident.
  • It’s waterproof, which is always great. I could see this toy being a fun addition to shower sex, for people who are into that, because the grippy silicone wings would help it stay in place between your fingers. (Funzze’s website describes this toy as giving you “easy, no-slip control, even when wet and frantic.” Now that’s good copy, baby!)

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • The biggest issue, unfortunately, is the motor. It’s buzzy, i.e. the vibrations are higher-pitched and more surface-level than I’d prefer, so I end up feeling a bit numb after a minute or two, and the orgasms are never as satisfying as they would otherwise be. However, stroking the vibe up and down or in circles, as if it were a vibrating fingertip (which is probably the intended way to use it), mitigates these effects to some extent – and I do have to point out here again that this toy costs thirty dollars, so I understand why the motor’s not exactly heavy-duty.
  • While there are 9 vibration settings, only the first 3 of them are steady vibration, and the jumps between them are jarringly wide; the next 6 are patterns, many of which are distractingly erratic. You have to cycle through all 9 settings to get back to the first one, a personal pet peeve of mine.
  • Despite the button’s good placement, I sometimes find it too difficult to press with one finger, which can negate some of the toy’s accessibility at times.
  • It’s a little on the loud side, as buzzy vibrators tend to be, especially on its highest setting.

 

Final thoughts

If they put a deep, rumbly motor in the Funzze Finger Vibe, it would earn an immediate upgrade to the top drawer of my nightstand, and would probably stay there for a very long time. The design of this toy is sleek and thoughtful, and I find it comfortable to use most of the time, which I can’t say for a lot of vibrators.

For all its sexy unobtrusiveness in size, shape, and ergonomics, though, its buzzy motor and notable noise level put a bit of a damper on things.

But for $30, I think the Finger Vibe is a fair deal, and I always love to see more companies making sex toys that are accessible to a wide range of people – accessible not only in terms of disabilities, but also in terms of finances. And to that end, this is a highly heartening little vibrator that I think could add some buzzy pizzazz into a lot of people’s sex lives, without breaking the bank – or their fingers.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys “Perfect Penis”

Kate Sloan

Look, if you name your dildo the “Perfect Penis,” I’m gonna be curious about it.

I dig realistic dildos, so I was already intrigued by this one from the name and picture alone. But then I read this, in the product description on the Mr. Hankey’s website (emphasis mine):

The dimensions of our Perfect Penis dildo are tailored using Artificial Intelligence, a unique approach to dildo design in the market. Our A.I.-driven process considers a vast array of studies on preferred penis size, leading to a selection of dildos in various sizes with the ideal balance of length and width — a distinguishing feature that positions us as a cutting-edge leader in realistic dildo manufacturing.

I was confused about this at first, because every study I’ve ever read on penis size preference has indicated that average-ish dimensions tend to be most people’s ideal (which makes sense), and this toy has pretty comically large dimensions by contrast, as is par for the course with Mr. Hankey’s. So I emailed them for clarification, and my contact at the company told me that the small size of the Perfect Penis (6.5″ insertable length, diameter ranging from 1.4″ to 1.6″) was designed based on A.I.-compiled statistical averages of preferred penis dimensions from around the world, and the larger sizes of this toy are scaled-up versions of that.

What with A.I. being such a hot-button issue right now, this seemed like a topically relevant dildo to review 😂 Let’s see whether it lives up to its name…

Customization options & what I chose

The Perfect Penis comes in 4 different sizes, ranging from S to XXL. I already own plenty of realistic dildos in what one might call a “reasonable” size range, so I wanted to go a little “unreasonable” with this one, at least for my own orifices. I went with the medium size, which has an insertable length of 8″ and a diameter ranging from 2″ to 2.25″.

There are 4 different firmness options for this toy, and I decided on the “medium firm” one, because I wanted it to feel comparable to an actual erect dick.

There are also a whopping 25 different color options (including a few skin tones and a bunch of zanier shades), and I chose silver.

There’s also the option to get a Vac-U-Lock-compatible hole in the bottom of the toy, incase you want to use it with fucking machines, etc. that use the Vac-U-Lock system. I omitted that feature on mine because I don’t anticipate using it that way.

Gotta love a balls close-up

Things I like about this toy

  • I was nervous about the size at first, but with proper warm-up, I can handle it and it feels wonderful. I don’t really consider myself a size queen per se – my favorite dildos are spread far and wide across the size spectrum – but I do sometimes crave being filled up, or feel like fantasizing about archetypal big-dicked alpha bros or whatever, and having a truly massive dildo in my collection for those occasions is great. As with many flesh-and-blood dicks, this one is slightly slimmer at the tip than along the rest of the shaft, which makes insertion somewhat easier.
  • The medium firmness is A++. I generally prefer dual-density silicone for realistic dildos, since with those, you get the satisfyingly firm core and the comfortably squishy exterior, but this one is single-density and I think the medium firmness strikes a good balance. It can be a little uncomfortable as my vag stretches open upon first inserting it, but it allows for gratifyingly hard pounding when I’m warmed up enough for that, and having something hard to squeeze around makes my orgasms more intense.
  • Some dicks have a coronal ridge that makes you truly appreciate the genius of nature for designing the coronal ridge at all, and this dildo makes me feel that way too. The ridge is just dreamy, especially in this medium firmness and when doused in lube. It strokes across my whole front vaginal wall and can also provide more targeted G-spot stimulation if I aim it there. (As for A-spot stimulation, this dildo is less adept at that because it’s simply too thick to snuggle up in there, but it can pound that general area, which – given its many other pleasurable features – is good enough for me.)
  • The surface texture all along the toy is hyper-realistic, and stimulating without being overstimulating. If you like super veiny/textured dildos, this one might miss the mark for you because its texture is relatively subtle, but I like that it provides a tiny bit of “drag” against my vaginal walls without being uncomfortable.
  • I love the balls! They’re not just cute; they’re practical, too. This toy’s hefty base makes it much easier to use hands-free, since I can wedge the base of the dildo between my body and the bed and just rock against it while I use a clitoral vibe.
  • Undoubtedly the silliest thing on this list: For months, I have kept this dildo on my desk and used it daily as a stand for my phone. I set the phone upright on the balls and lean it against the shaft. This allows me to see when any texts come in, etc., without the phone constantly falling over from the vibration of every alert, which was an issue I previously had. It can also function as a stand for my iPad mini (see below), e-readers and books, and so on, which is genuinely useful for me as someone who’s frequently referring to various materials when writing. I’m seriously going to keep this toy on my desk and continue using it this way (when I’m not using it, y’know, the other way…) because it’s the perfect addition to a sex writer’s setup 😂

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • Almost anything I could write here would just be a matter of personal preference – it might be too big for some users, too firm, too realistic, etc.; you can decide for yourself if it sounds like it’d be up your alley (so to speak). The only more substantive drawback worth mentioning, IMO, is that this is quite heavy for a silicone dildo, as you might expect from looking at it, and so it’s not always easy for me to thrust it with my sore hands/arms. But, as mentioned, it can be used more-or-less hands-free, so that’s not too much of an issue.
  • Oh yeah, and it might be too heavy to comfortably use in a strap-on. You could give it a shot – the company suggests a 2.5″ O-ring – but I think the balls would become an issue.
Face for scale!

Final thoughts

As an advocate for body-positivity, I try not to use phrases like “perfect penis,” myself – not only because they can make people feel bad about their bodies for not living up to whatever I declare as “perfection,” but also because what is “perfect” for me will not be perfect for you, and vice-versa. Mr. Hankey’s says this right on the product page:

Understandably, some won’t find this to be their Perfect Penis, and if you are this person, please browse our website, as there is bound to be a Perfect Penis for everyone in our shop.

That being said, the Mr. Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis is certainly a beautiful cock, one that would look equally at home on an ancient Greek erotic statue as it would swinging between the legs of a modern-day porn star. It feels fantastic, too, like an over-the-top caricature of penile penetration. Do I always want sensations that intense? Fuck no. Do I want ’em real bad when I do indeed want ’em? Fuck yeah. And the Perfect Penis can deliver.

This is the third Mr. Hankey’s toy I’ve reviewed over the past few months (check out my previous reviews of the Captain’s Hook and Oni) and I’ve been super impressed with all of them. They are high-quality, beautifully designed, and exquisitely customizable. They have a dildo for pretty much any fantasy you can dream up, from getting railed by a sex robot to riding a banana. It’s lovely to see a company delighting in creating such beautiful, pleasurable toys. They may not be “perfect,” but each one is somebody’s version of perfect, and that’s really the important thing.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.