Sex Toy Reviews

Review: YoYoLemon Vibrating Pussy Pump with Tongue Licking Motions

Kate Sloan

I really love oral sex. It’s such a basic-bitch opinion to hold that sometimes I feel vaguely guilty or embarrassed about it. Like, girl, you wrote a whole book on kink and BDSM. Surely your favorite sexual activities are more interesting than “insert genitals into mouth”?! And yet, at the same time, oral sex isn’t boring at all – there can be power dynamics involved, and intricate technique considerations, and a meditative headspace for either giver or receiver. Plus, you know, it feels really fucking good. (Why am I pitching you on the merits of oral sex?! Probably preaching to the choir, huh.)

Anyway, today I’m reviewing yet another oral sex simulator, the YoYoLemon Vibrating Pussy Pump with Tongue Licking Motions. It combines suction with up-and-down flicks of a silicone tongue, to provide an experience that theoretically mimics the oral sex technique likeliest to get me off: sucking and licking the clit simultaneously. Is it any good? Let’s talk about it.

 

Things I like about this toy

  • The suction is much stronger than I was expecting, and certainly stronger than you’ll find in a lot of toys in this category. It’s much more akin to an actual fucking clit pump than a paltry oral sex simulator, in that I can feel – and see – it drawing more blood into my vulva with each suck, and it stirs up arousal very quickly as a result. Sometimes the suction can get a bit too intense for my tastes (more on that below) but the first suction setting out of three turned out to be the sweet spot for me, and I never used either of the other ones except to briefly test them out for this review.
  • The wide mouth of this toy (2.2″ across) sets it apart from a lot of other clitoral suction toys because (depending on the size and shape of your clit and labia) it will likely suck on not just your clit but some of the flesh surrounding it, which creates a very different sensation. I really liked how it essentially caused my outer labia to be stroked up and down on either side of my clitoral shaft with every rhythmic suck, which gave me a deeper, more full-bodied clitoral sensation than toys that focus more on the clit alone or even just the very tip of the clit. I also think the size of this toy’s mouth might make it suitable for transmasculine people with bottom growth, and since it’s a gorgeous shade of kelly green (rather than pink or purple), it might suit them from a visual gender affirmation standpoint as well.
  • The suction motion is so wide and strong that it ends up physically moving my clit around inside the “mouth,” so that the tongue inside lands on different spots on my clit at different points in the suction cycle. This creates a sensation that’s much more varied and dynamic than a toy is usually able to provide, which makes the stimulation feel a tad more human/realistic.
  • You can control the suction and licking separately from one another; they each have their own button to flip through their modes (3 suction intensities and 9 different licking modes, the first 3 of which are steady speeds), and you can also use only one of them at a time if you feel like it.
  • If you turn off the suction function at just the right moment, you can get it to maintain the exact amount of suction you want, while you continue using the tongue’s various settings. Personally I prefer rhythmic sucking but I think this is a cool feature for people who want more sustained suction.
  • The suction seems to automatically release when the toy is turned off, which is good from a safety standpoint. I also found that (when properly lubed) the toy would easily release from my vulva even when the suction was on, if I just angled it up or down a bit.
  • To some extent you can control the degree of the suction by angling it various different ways. I didn’t always want the full amount of suction the toy was producing, so I could tilt it slightly to prevent it from reaching its full potential in that regard for a subtler sensation, at least until I got turned on enough to handle the more intense suction.
  • This toy is IPX6 water-resistant, which means you can wash it in the sink or shower without fear of ruining it, but shouldn’t submerge it in water.

 

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • For me, the main problem with this toy is that the tongue is not stimulating enough. The suction is awesome, and gets me very turned on, but I need that little somethin’ extra from the tongue to get me over the edge, and it just doesn’t press hard enough (or maintain its rhythm well enough when pressure is applied) to make this a fully enjoyable experience for me. It also vibrates buzzily, which definitely contributes to the sense of nearly-numbing “not quite enough”-ness. I was able to reach orgasm with this toy but it was never quite as satisfying as I was expecting/hoping for. I think this could be fixed by removing the buzzy vibrations from the tongue, making them rumblier, and/or improving the tongue’s motor so its strokes feel more impactful.
  • The 3 suction settings differ only in intensity of suction and not in speed. This was a bit of a disappointment; at a certain point I wanted to be sucked faster, but still couldn’t handle more suction than was being doled out on the first setting.
  • This toy’s pretty big and bulky for its product category. It would be trickier to integrate into penetrative sex than some other clit suckers/lickers I’ve tried, and also didn’t always feel comfortable to hold after a while. I tried using it hands-free by holding it between my thighs but it didn’t tend to sustain a good enough suction seal on my vulva when I did this.
  • There are a couple of tiny holes at the far end of the toy which have something to do with the suction function, and I found that when I accidentally covered them up with a fingertip, the suction would become erratically more intense, sometimes uncomfortably so. These holes are in a place where they’re really easy to cover accidentally, inconveniently enough.
  • I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: all suction toys should have a manual-release button. If your toy dies or malfunctions mid-suck, you need to be able to release the suction without relying on the toy’s mechanics to do so for you.
  • It’s on the louder side of the spectrum. A lotta mechanical whirring.
  • It has a pretty short battery life – you’ll get 30-60 minutes of use from a 90-minute charge, depending on which settings you’re using.
  • As with most toys of this type, you gotta use a lot of (water-based) lube to keep it feeling good and mouth-like.

 

Final thoughts

At $55 USD, I think the YoYoLemon Vibrating Pussy Pump with Tongue Licking Motions is fairly priced for what it is: a powerful clit pump with added tongue-like stimulation.

For me personally, this is the type of toy I’d reach for if I wanted to get physically aroused fast, since its suction is very effective – but I’d switch to something else when I wanted to actually get off, because I just don’t find its tongue stimulating enough, what with its high-pitched vibrations and insufficiently strong strokes.

If you love having your clit sucked – or think you would – then I think this toy would be a good buy. To me it certainly feels more like a human sucking me than many other such toys have, and while the tongue wasn’t totally my clit’s cup of tea, it might very well be yours.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

I’m Surprised By How Much I Love This Little Lelo Vibe

Kate Sloan
Please excuse any pinkish stains you may see on the toy in these photos; they are not the toy’s fault, I just let it ride around in a makeup bag that had some red lipstick remnants inside it and I am notorious for liking longwear lipsticks that are difficult to remove, haha.

My very first “luxury” sex toy purchase, back when I was a teenager, was the Lelo Nea. I saved up for it for months and was wildly excited when I finally got to take it home from my local feminist sex shop.

Still to this day, the shape of Nea – which is the exact same shape as some of Lelo’s other clitoral vibes, including the Lily – is one of my favorites for clitoral stimulation. I love the way its tip is narrower than its body but not so narrow as to be pointy or uncomfortable. I love the way it curves over my mons and down onto my clit, seeming to fit seamlessly against my vulva whether I’m using it solo or during penetrative sex. I love that it’s small enough to be thrown into my toiletries bag when I travel but not so small that I’m likely to lose it.

But the original Nea didn’t really deliver in terms of vibration strength or rumbliness, which is why I was so excited to be offered the Lelo Lily 3. It’s everything I loved about the Nea, but with a noticeably better motor. And as I’ve written before, the motor matters more than any other trait of a vibrator, so this makes a huge difference.

When I’m at home and I want to get off, I almost always use the Eroscillator or a wand vibe like the Magic Wand Rechargeable or Fun Factory Vim. All of these are strong and dependable, both in the sense of “being dependably able to make me come” and in the sense of “dependably not dying mid-use” – the Eroscillator plugs into an electrical outlet, the Vim has an impressively long battery life before needing to be recharged, and the MWR can be used while it’s charging, should it come to that.

Now, comparatively, the Lily 3 isn’t that great – it has a battery life of about 2 hours – but I bring this up only to say that it’s hard for me to find a rechargeable, travel-friendly vibe that I trust enough to bring with me on a trip, especially a trip where suitcase space is limited. The We-Vibe Tango X is my favorite one in this category, for many reasons, but the Lily 3 has worked its way onto my list of acceptable options, which is hard to do. In fact, at this point I’ve brought it with me as my only vibe for many overnight stays (e.g. when I go over to my parents’ house to visit them and anticipate having phone sex with my spouse when I go to bed), and it has never once disappointed me or made me wish I’d brought a different vibe.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that it’s super-powerful. If you’re used to wands or similar, this almost certainly won’t be enough for you. But what I find enjoyable is its rumbliness, which it maintains throughout its 10 vibration intensities. The smooth ABS plastic translates the vibrations well, which helps, too. I think another thing that makes this vibe so successful for me is one of the few things Lelo has always excelled at: this toy starts at a very low intensity and works its way up to a much higher one. This ultimately results in less desensitization over the course of a session, so that I don’t require as much power to get off and can feel the orgasm more vividly when it does happen. It’s a small thing that makes a big difference.

The Lily 3 is also very quiet, and is waterproof, meaning it’s ideal for surreptitious/discreet play or masturbating in the bath or shower, and is even the kind of thing I’d bring with me to my local sex club if I hoped to get up to some shenanigans in the swimming pool there.

The button layout is easy to understand, a relic from a simpler time in the sex toy industry: the button on the right turns up the vibration intensity if you press or hold it, and the one on the left turns it down. You can switch between its 10 vibration patterns by quickly double-pressing the right-side button, and you can adjust the intensity of any pattern, which is a great feature that always makes me way more likely to actually use patterns instead of just sticking with the steady vibration mode like I normally do. The patterns are good, as far as patterns go – some are too slow for my tastes, but many are steadily rhythmic and can feel really good.

Lelo has made a lot of missteps in their time, and one of them is that they tend to overcomplicate things, making vibrators that have a bunch of unnecessary bells and whistles that no one asked for. (I have been trying, and failing, to enjoy the new Lelo Dot Cruise, for example, in large part because of its “Cruise” function which is still inconsistent and terrible, despite the fact that the toy costs fucking $200.)

But the Lelo Lily 3 only costs $76, and it bucks that trend. It’s what Lelo does best: a simple, elegant, ergonomic vibrator with a wide array of settings, a respectable motor, and a luxurious “it factor” that makes you feel fancy and deliciously self-indulgent just for using it. It’s my favorite thing Lelo has put out since the Sila, their wide-mouthed pressure-wave toy that I adore.

It’s not earthshatteringly powerful or terribly unique. It doesn’t attempt to innovate or defy expectations. The Lelo Lily 3 is just a damn good clitoral vibrator, and writing this review has made me want to use it again, which is a good sign in and of itself.

 

Lelo didn’t pay me to write this review, they just sent me the product and I liked it. You know the drill: as always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Velvet Thruster Sammie

Kate Sloan

Having been in this business for as long as I have, I can usually tell from a mile away if I’m going to love a toy. I’m not always 100% correct in my assessment – because it’s my junk, not my brain, that ultimately determines whether a toy works for me – but my hunches usually lean in the right direction.

So when the folks at Velvet Brands – who make the Velvet Thruster line of toys – asked if they could send me something, I was excited. I’d wanted to try one of these fuckers for years, because I had a strong suspicion that I’d love them. AND I DO, as it turns out!

 

The good

Velvet sent me their Sammie thruster, which is the biggest one they make. It’s got 7″ of insertable length and a hefty 2.25″ diameter. But my vagina’s not a superhero every day, so it’s great that they also sent me the Jackie attachment, which can be swapped for the Sammie attachment when I want to be fucked by something slimmer. This approach, of having a base unit that you can use with multiple different heads, is brilliant; it’s one of the many nice features that elevate Velvet Thrusters from regular self-thrusting toys and make them into something more akin to a fucking machine.

See, fucking machines are the go-to recommendation if you want something strong that can rhythmically pound into you without requiring much effort on your part. (As a frequently lazy masturbator, I understand this desire.) But a good fucking machine can run you upwards of $500, and also tends to take up a massive amount of space. So I love that the Velvet Thruster is relatively compact, and reasonably priced for the amount of power you get ($255 in the USA, $352 up here in Canada).

Because this thing is indeed fucking powerful. When I’ve tested other thrusters before, some (like the Fun Factory Stronic toys) have created a motion so small that it’s more akin to jiggling back and forth than slamming in and out of you. That can still feel plenty good at times, but when you really want to get fucked, it may not be what you reach for. Other thrusters I’ve tried have had such weak motors that they peter out when pressure is applied, and seeing as the vagina muscles (and anal muscles) contract and pulse during arousal and orgasm, it can be hard to get consistent stimulation with that type of toy, which can result in lessened pleasure and a weakened climax.

NOT SO with the Velvet Thruster! This thing’s motor has so much oomph that it doesn’t give a shit what my vagina is doing, it just keeps on truckin’ (and fuckin’). Its six speeds range from a slow-and-steady pace to a much more frantic 140 strokes per minute. The sensations are much stronger and more consistent than those I’ve gotten from any other self-thrusting toy, and it makes me come super hard.  I’ve never used a full-on fucking machine, because I’ve never had the space to spare and don’t often masturbate in the positions necessitated by such a behemoth; this Velvet toy delivers all the chutzpah I’d want from a fucking machine, but suits my needs much better.

I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about the shapes and textures of the attachments I was sent, because they’re both utterly lacking in curve, and have a semi-realistic veiny texture along the shaft. With ample lube (which is required with this toy – more on that below) and enough warm-up/arousal, the texture was a non-issue; if anything, it left me feeling even more thoroughly fucked after a session, in a good way. And as for the shape, well, these heads are long enough to hit my A-spot on each thrust – with a little manual help from me by finding the right angle during initial insertion – and so I’m more than happy with them. The 2.25″ girth of the Sammie can feel too big for me some days, especially with how firm it is, but then I can always swap to the Jackie for a subtler experience.

Velvet sent me an optional suction cup base for this toy (pictured), and I think it’d be a smart thing to throw into your cart if you get one of these. It opens up your positioning options substantially, making it much easier for you to back up against a wall to get fucked, or sit on the dick from above as it thrusts up at you from the floor. These aren’t common positions in my masturbation repertoire at all, but it’s fantastic to have the option, especially since this is the exact type of toy I’d reach for if I wanted to feel like a real human was well-and-truly railing me.

The toy’s “balls” act as a flared base which makes it anal-safe; Velvet sells an anal-specific attachment, but the others work just fine in your butt too. I also like that the toy’s power button is on its balls, which face away from you during use; this makes it almost impossible to accidentally turn the toy off mid-session.

Oh yeah, and it can last 6-8 hours on a charge. Impressive.

 

The bad

My complaints about this toy are mostly the usual ones you’ll hear about almost any thruster. Namely: it makes a loud, mechanical whirring noise during use, and it’s bigger than your typical sex toy so it might not fit in small nightstand drawers. That being said, I find both of those qualities to be forgivable, given this thing’s dazzling power output.

You will need a lot of lube with this toy. You just will. Not only does it help with surface friction – which would be a major issue otherwise, due to the toy’s draggy matte silicone and veiny texture – but it makes the thrusting go more smoothly and makes it less likely that the toy will shimmy its way out of you.

The main logistical issue I face with this thruster – and many other thrusters – is indeed that it tends to work its way out of my vag as it thrusts. You need to anchor the handle against something to prevent this from happening; a firm pillow between your legs could work, and of course, if you’ve suction-cupped the thruster to a wall or floor, those surfaces will provide helpful resistance. But my most common solution to this problem, because I’m lazy, has been to bend one knee so my ankle is braced against the toy’s handle. The toy is long enough that I can do this comfortably, even though my fibro-ridden knees complain if I bend them too much for too long. Having to keep my ankle in one spot during use isn’t ideal, of course, but it’s not all that obtrusive and usually doesn’t bother me, especially since it results in me getting fucked so hard I see stars.

The thruster’s buttons sometimes seem uncomfortably far away from me; I usually have to bend over a bit and look at them in order to change speeds. But this isn’t the type of toy I tend to change speeds on very often, compared to, say, a clitoral vibrator, so it hasn’t been too much of an issue.

I’ll also say that this thruster is very firm. The silicone gives it a tiny bit of squish at the surface, but overall it’s way way harder than any human dick would be. This can be wonderful if you’re craving strong sensations, but less so if you want something realistic-feeling or more forgiving. I always feel thoroughly fucked after using this toy, and I find that cunt-ache kinda hot and fun in most circumstances, but if you’re prone to pain/discomfort from penetration, you’ll probably want to stick with a smaller attachment and, again, use a shit ton of lube.

Notably, it’s not waterproof. This makes me slightly sad as someone who would love to get fucked during a leisurely bathtub wank, but it’s by no means a dealbreaker for me.

 

Final thoughts

I’m really delighted with the Velvet Thruster Sammie. It provides enough force and consistency to fuck me the way I like, and I often have stellar orgasms when I pair it with a clitoral vibe.

It may not be appropriate for all situations – I wouldn’t use it if I was concerned about someone overhearing me, for instance, or if my vag was sore – but it’s the best toy I’ve found for fulfilling the specific craving to get ploughed hard. And since my partner lives 500 miles away from me and I’m not dating/fucking anyone else at the moment, that is indeed a craving I encounter from time to time.

Do I wish the Velvet Thruster was a little squishier, a little quieter, and a little cheaper? Sure. But is it also the best thruster I’ve ever tried? Absolutely. And that, folks, is the thrust of my argument.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: AcmeJoy 3-in-1 Rabbit

Kate Sloan

What is the AcmeJoy 3-in-1 rabbit?

Okay, technically its name is the AcmeJoy 3-in-1 7 Vibrating Modes Rabbit G-Spot Stimulator Anal Dildo Vibrator, but I won’t be calling it that, obviously.

This toy is essentially a standard rabbit vibrator – vibrating shaft with a G-spot curve, fluttery bunny ears for clitoral stimulation – but with an added arm for anal penetration, so it stimulates three erogenous zones at once.

Triple-stimulation toys are always a bit, shall we say, ambitious. Given how many toys only attempt to do one thing and still fail at it, it’s a confident move – almost cocky – for a sex toy company to make a toy that they claim can do three things well. Can AcmeJoy rise to the challenge?

 

Things I like about this toy

  • There are two separate motors in this rabbit. Many dual- or triple-stim vibes only have one motor, trusting that the vibrations will travel throughout the toy to stimulate all the zones it targets, but those toys usually fall short power-wise, and it’s annoying not being able to control the components separately. By contrast, this AcmeJoy rabbit’s two motors can each be controlled individually, using their respective buttons. The motors are located in the clitoral arm and the vaginal arm; the anal arm doesn’t get its own motor, which I think was the right call, because the vibrations are easily conducted through the anal arm as-is and it probably would’ve been overkill to add a third motor.
  • The motor in the vaginal arm is surprisingly strong and even kind of rumbly. I would place it at a 4.5 out of 10 on the rumbly-to-buzzy scale, at least on its first setting; it gets buzzier as you turn it up. I found that the vaginal arm actually felt really good when I tried it out clitorally, for this reason, and it also felt excellent vaginally because the lower-pitched vibrations stimulated my G-spot/internal clit without numbing them out or irritating them with buzziness.
  • I don’t normally care for vibration patterns, but the ones in the vaginal arm of this toy are actually great. There are various types of pulsing which can all feel surprisingly similar to someone thrusting against my G-spot. Despite the disappointments of the clitoral motor (more on that below), these vaginal vibration patterns were so stimulating that this toy could theoretically get me off on a particularly sensitive day, even though I normally need top-tier clitoral stimulation for that.
  • The vaginal arm’s G-spot curve is well-designed. It reminds me of the Lelo Mona (which is excellent), its big head pressing up into my spot insistently but not annoyingly or aggressively. It feels good when kept in one place but can feel fantastic when it’s being thrusted.
  • On that note, this is a rabbit that I found works surprisingly well for thrusting, albeit only with short and relatively deep thrusts (the kind I tend to prefer anyway). The clitoral arm has some flex to it, as do the rabbit ears topping it off, so it moves with my body when I thrust – and the anal beads feel awesome as they move in and out, adding significant stimulation into the mix. I’m not normally the biggest fan of double penetration, as it can be overwhelming or uncomfortable, but it works well here, even with motion involved.
  • Related: One of the reasons I don’t usually like double penetration is that it makes me feel overstuffed down there, which makes it hard to focus on vaginal or anal pleasure. But the internal arms of this toy are well-shaped and well-proportioned (for my body, anyway) so I don’t experience any of that “Thanksgiving turkey” overstuffedness. The anal arm starts out at a diameter of about 0.55″ and is only about an inch at its widest, so it’s beginner-friendly and was comfy for me despite me not using anal toys super often.
  • Usually with double-penetration toys, it’s hard to figure out which order to insert the arms in – do you go vag first, butt second, or vice-versa? This difficulty can be compounded by a floppy anal arm writhing around as you’re trying to insert it. But those problems aren’t present here – the anal arm is firm enough to be inserted easily, but still flexible enough to feel comfortable, and it never took me more than a few seconds to slip it into my ass once the vaginal arm was already inside me. (You just gotta use a lot of lube on both arms, but that’s par for the course, especially with anal toys.)
  • Speaking of lube, the “beads” of the anal arm hold onto lube pretty well, so it doesn’t drip all over the place when I’m getting the toy ready for insertion. (I use a thick-ish water-based lube, though, so your mileage may vary if you’re using a thinner/runnier formula.)
  • I had no issue getting the clitoral arm to actually reach my clit, which is frequently a problem with other rabbits. The flexibility of that arm no doubt helped with this. Actually I found that the rabbit’s head, moreso than its ears, usually landed on my clit, but that’s fine with me and probably even feels better for my pleasure preferences.
  • The buttons are well-placed, intuitively organized, and can’t easily be pressed by accident. They also light up when the toy is on, so you can find them in the dark.
  • When you first turn the toy on, only the vaginal motor is engaged – you have to manually turn on the clitoral motor if you want to use it. I actually prefer this, because it works well for a warm-up; I can still feel the vibrations from the vaginal arm traveling through to the clitoral arm even when the clit motor is off, so it’s a good tease before I’m ready to use full-fledged vibrations on my clit.

 

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • My main complaint is that the clitoral motor kinda sucks. It’s not awful, but it’s definitely not as strong as the vaginal motor and is noticeably buzzier as well. I get that you have to pick your priorities, power-wise, when designing a multi-function sex toy, because motors only have so much power available to them – but IMO clitoral stimulation is more important for most people (and the research bears this out) so I’d prefer if companies allocated more power to the clitoral motor in these sorts of toys, if they have to choose one component to privilege in that way.
  • Relatedly, each motor has only 3 steady speeds of vibration before it switches to patterns – and while this doesn’t bother me on the vaginal arm because I actually prefer the patterns, I always find myself wishing there were more clitoral speeds and that the jumps between the existing speeds were less huge. It’s jarring, especially with the vibrations being buzzy.
  • When I angle the vibe so that its vaginal arm makes the best contact with my G-spot, the anal arm tends to slide out of me. This is a pretty predictable hazard of triple-stimulation toys: it’s really hard (if not impossible) to design a toy that will hit these 3 different erogenous zones regardless of anatomical differences between users, like the distance from the clit to the vaginal opening, or from the vag to the butthole.
  • It’s only splashproof, not waterproof.

Final thoughts

I was surprised by how close the AcmeJoy 3-in-1 rabbit got me to coming. Its blend of rumbly internal vibration patterns, consistent clitoral contact during thrusting, and extra-stimulating anal beads is… a lot, in a good way.

The problem is the clitoral motor, which is (for me, and many others) the most important part of a toy like this, and often the part that turns out to be a letdown. It needs to be stronger, rumblier, and to have a wider range of settings with smaller jumps between them.

But aside from that, this is pretty close to the ideal triple-stimulation rabbit, so it’s worth considering if that’s an intriguing idea for you. Especially at its current sale price of $27.99, I think it’s a good deal for how much sensation it serves up. You’d probably like it more than I did if you’re really into G-spot stimulation and/or anal play and find those activities stimulating enough on their own, or with minimal clit stim. ‘Cause let’s be honest, the clitoral bunny on this vibe is really not pulling its weight.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Acmejoy Lolita

Kate Sloan

I was suspicious of the Acmejoy Lolita from the start, because it’s repeatedly described on its product page as being suitable for beginners.

Granted, it’s not inherently wrong to describe a sex toy as beginner-friendly – I certainly do it pretty often. But when I say that about a toy, what I tend to mean is that it will give beginners an introduction to sex toys (or to a particular category of sex toy) that is both user-friendly and pleasurable. I’ve heard from far too many people who gave up on sex toys after trying one bad one, and so I recommend certain toys to beginners the same way I’d tell a friend to start with my favorite episode of a TV show I wanted them to watch. I want their first impression to be positive and enjoyable, and for them to not feel alienated by it.

But all too often in the sex toy industry, when a toy is described as beginner-friendly, what that means is: It has a friendly and unintimidating aesthetic, but produces weak sensations. There’s an assumption being made that sex toy newbies are far more sensitive than long-time toy users, and that therefore, a toy which might disappoint an experienced user would be just fine for a beginner. I don’t think this is true – and I think it’s insulting.

A truly beginner-friendly vibrator will have a wide range of settings, so that new users can experiment to figure out what sensations they like. It should be a toy they can enjoy right out of the box but that they can also “grow into,” if, for example, they find that they want stronger vibrations a few months down the road, or want to try using a vibe internally after only using it externally. It should be versatile, varied, and forgiving.

The Acmejoy Lolita is none of those things, sadly.

But let’s back up and start with the basics. What is this toy? The Lolita – also known as the “Baby Octopus,” which is a much more apt name, seeing as that is what it looks like – is a small clitoral stimulator with two different functions, sucking and licking. The “sucking” is pressure-wave stimulation, and the “licking” is the rapid movement of a mechanical silicone tongue.

Despite what the Lolita’s inaccurate marketing copy says (“Pleasure two of your hottest hot spots at once!”), you can’t use both of these functions simultaneously, because they are located at different places on the toy. This is a cool idea in theory – you could start with licking and escalate to sucking when you’re turned on enough, or vice-versa. It is a bit odd that both functions are always on if the toy is on (there’s only one button on the toy, which controls both functions at once), but it could be useful if you plan on switching back and forth quickly between the two functions during any given session. Two vulva-owners could also theoretically get into a scissor-ish position and each use one of the toy’s functions at once, but I think it would be challenging to get the angles right.

One other potential benefit to how this toy is designed: If you want to get “sucked” by the pressure-wave part of the toy, while looking at its little silicone tongue flapping, there is a way you can position the toy so that is possible. I sometimes found this vaguely hot, as someone who watches a lot of cunnilingus porn. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My immediate thought, upon discovering that there’s no way to only engage one function at a time, was, “Isn’t that taxing on the motor?” In my experience with low-end to mid-range dual- and triple-stimulation toys, each of the functions tends to weaken when you turn on the other functions, because the motor isn’t typically engineered well enough to keep pace when it’s doing that much at once. It’s like trying to run The Sims on an old laptop.

Indeed, I think the Lolita’s strength suffers substantially for there being no way to use the functions individually. It’s… disappointingly weak, to say the least. Both the sucking and the licking feel very surface-level and insubstantial. Like, yeah, I know they’re happening, but my clit just doesn’t care. In my testing sessions, I was barely able to get turned on, let alone get off. And that’s with weed and porn factored into the equation.

The tongue certainly felt better than the suction. It felt slightly more impactful and even felt a bit like a real tongue at times, albeit the tongue of someone who is teasing you by giving you maddeningly gentle head. The tongue slows down significantly when pressure is applied, though, so for me, this could only ever be a tease – and not a very good one, at that.

The suction is worse – its “mouth” barely encompasses any of my clit, sitting on just the very tip of it, and it doesn’t create much of a seal or generate much sensation at all. Both the sucking and licking functions have 7 intensity settings, and there’s little difference, sensation-wise, between the lowest one and the highest. Have I mentioned that this toy is weak?!

Image via Acmejoy

I have some other issues with this toy, but they’re smaller quibbles that would’ve been forgivable if not for the toy’s bigger flaws. Namely:

After you reach the 7th intensity setting, if you hit the toy’s one button again in hopes of amping up the sensations further, the toy just shuts off. NO TOY SHOULD EVER DO THIS. This is a recipe for ruined orgasms.

Because the toy is spherical, it rolls around a lot and frequently falls off my nightstand. It does come with a small plastic stand, shaped like octopus tentacles, which you can sit it on top of to circumvent this problem, but I’m just not gonna keep something like that on my nightstand all the time, so it’s often not there when I need it. The shape of the toy is also awkward to hold onto – my achy and uncoordinated hands often find it hard to press its one button – and due to its roundness and smoothness, it doesn’t stay securely in place if I try to hold it between my thighs for hands-free use.

When you plug the toy in to charge, there’s no indication that it is indeed charging. Nothing lights up or buzzes or anything. You just have to guess, and hope, and pray.

Image via Acmejoy

I don’t like writing negative reviews, but the Acmejoy Lolita just isn’t a good toy. They’re charging $45.99 for something that doesn’t even feel as good as my fingers alone. Feel free to peruse Acmejoy’s clitoral vibes section – I know for a fact that it contains some options that are way better than the Lolita, including at least one that can actually get me off. But this one ain’t it.

I think we do sex toy consumers a disservice when we say that a weak toy is the same thing as a beginner-friendly toy. I think beginners deserve better than to be condescended to, underserved, and scared off toys altogether by bad ones that didn’t need to be made. I think that if calling your toy “good for beginners” is the only way you can make it make sense, you should probably just go back to the drawing board and make a better toy. Beginners’ tastes aren’t homogeneous, and they won’t be beginners forever. Regardless of your experience level, some toys are just bad. And this, I’m sorry to say, is one of them.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.