My purse is full of lipsticks and dildos.
I wasn’t planning on blogging today, but then I saw this gem and felt I needed to tell you about it.
This is the perfect toy for those moments when you feel like making love to a set of parasitic twins. A cock inside you, and a tiny man’s face on your clit. What’s not to love?!
Best of all, it’s only $20, so you can explore your gnomilingus (that’s gnome + cunnilingus) fantasies without breaking the bank!
Note: Totally not serious. At all.
I love that more and more companies are launching innovations in the world of male masturbators. Vibrators and dildos for women are always moving forward in their technology and design, but it seems like male toys have been at a stand-still for quite a while.
And then… along came the VerSpanken.
My local sex shop said they needed someone to test and review a new toy for penises. As I have a willing boyfriend and some experience reviewing toys, I volunteered myself (and my man’s cock) for the job – and I was gleeful when they said yes.
It’s a weird-looking toy. It initially reminded me of an alien’s vagina or a pair of skinny water balloons.
Basically, it consists of two bright blue tubular inserts squished inside a plastic casing that can open and close. You snap it open, stick your dick in it, pour lube all over everything, snap it shut, and thrust to your heart’s content. It’s supposed to mimic the sensation of a blowjob.
I didn’t think this toy could pry my boyfriend away from his Fleshlight, and I was right. The VerSpanken is too thin, he says: it doesn’t cover the length of his dick, only a small section at a time, which isn’t enough pressure or stimulation to get him off. He tried this toy a few times, both with my help and on his own, and it was never able to bring him to orgasm.
On the other hand, there are ways in which the VerSpanken is way more convenient than a Fleshlight. For example, it’s much easier to clean: the whole thing is soap-safe and open-ended, so you can wash it with soap and water without even taking the components apart and nothing horrible will happen (like mould). You can also use any kind of lube with it – you’re not limited to water-based like you are with a Fleshlight. It’s significantly cheaper than a Fleshlight, at only $39. And it’s practically silent – none of those weird wheezing or squishing noises that our other male masturbation toys have produced.
It’s also worth noting that the VerSpanken is quite tight. One of its selling points is that you can supposedly adjust the pressure – which is slightly true; you can squeeze it if you want it to be tighter – but it’s already tight on its own, at least for my boyfriend’s average-sized penis. This will make it a success with guys who like a lot of concentrated pressure on their dick.
Another cool feature of the VerSpanken is that you can swap out the original inserts for “WaterWieners,” water-filled inserts which can be microwaved or refrigerated for temperature play. We tried these out and they hold temperature very nicely.
Overall, my boyfriend wasn’t thrilled with the VerSpanken – not because it’s a bad toy, but because it just didn’t work for him. His dick isn’t a fan of intense pressure or stimulation that’s limited to only one area at a time – but if you like that kind of thing, or your man does, this might be just what you’re looking for.
I had no intention of checking out Lelo’s newly updated Insignia SenseMotion toys, because my experience with the original Tiani had been so mediocre. But then I was offered the Lyla 2 to review, and, well… I just can’t turn down free Lelo.
It worked out pretty well, in the end, because the updates Lelo has made to the SenseMotion toys are actually useful, not just for show.
The Lyla is a remote-controlled egg vibrator. It has a sturdy retrieval cord, so you can insert it vaginally with no concerns. As with the other SenseMotion toys, the accompanying remote is a small disk which is very chic-looking but comes with a host of inconveniences. For instance: it requires batteries, which sort of defeats the purpose of the Lyla being rechargeable, and in order to get the batteries in there, you have to use this annoying-ass “key” to get the chamber open.
Plus, the remote vibrates right along with the egg, which I’m sure Lelo thinks is an innovative and useful feature, but which actually just irritates me in almost every situation I’d ever use this toy. You can turn off the remote’s vibrations… in most of the toy’s modes. Not all.
As you can see, most of my gripes are about the toy’s remote rather than the toy itself – and that’s because the egg is pretty great. Its shape reminds me a lot of Lelo’s brilliant Siri vibe; rather than being entirely rounded, it’s got a soft “point” on the underside which sort of helps it to dig into my clit. This results in the vibrations feeling like they penetrate deeper into my clit, rather than just dancing on the surface.
One of the “new and improved” features of these updated SenseMotion toys is that the vibrations are supposed to be stronger. I would damn well hope so, considering how laughably weak my original Tiani was. And indeed, my Lyla 2 is stronger. It’s still weaker than I’d prefer – I find myself wishing there were maybe two or three more settings at the high end – but it can still get me off, so whateva. (Power queens beware: look elsewhere. Though, you probably knew that already. After all, it is Lelo.)
The other major update to this toy is that it supposedly has better wireless strength. This does seem to be true, but there’s still pretty significant delays sometimes: my boyfriend may change the remote’s setting from across the room and it can take several seconds for that change to be reflected in the egg. I’d say Lyla is leaps and bounds better than the other wireless remote-controlled vibes on the market, but it still isn’t perfect. Maybe it just isn’t reasonable to expect a company to ever get the technology right on this one.
I actually prefer the Lyla as a solo clit toy. True, you can’t use a dildo with it, because one hand has to hold the egg while the other holds the remote, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make sometimes. The SenseMotion mode, wherein tilting the remote to different angles produces gradually increasing vibration strengths, is easier and more intuitive than manually pressing a vibrator’s buttons – so when I want a simple and quick clitoral orgasm, I like using the Lyla. It’s also completely waterproof, and is fun for bathtime hijinks.
I don’t know how I feel about recommending the Lelo Lyla 2 to folks. It costs $139, which is expensive even for Lelo, and it’s not a perfect or versatile toy. But if you really, really want a remote-controlled vibe of the highest caliber, Lyla’s the one you’re looking for.
Pictures of the Vixen Raquel don’t do it justice. Its shape is deceptively simple: a somewhat skinny 7 ½" shaft, topped off by a slightly bulbous head that’s 1 5/8" thick. It doesn’t look fancy or fabulous, but that’s because all the magic is in the material.
See, the Raquel is made of VixSkin, a deliciously squishy dual-density silicone formulation. There’s a firm, barely yielding core, encased inside a very plushy softer silicone. So while Raquel looks more like a tentacle than a penis, it actually feels quite penis-like in use.
If you’re looking for jaw-droppingly intense G-spot stimulation, keep looking: what Raquel does is subtler, gentler. It can certainly be felt, but its presence in my vagina is cloudlike, ethereal. And my G-spot can only be satisfied by the Raquel when it’s in motion, usually being thrust pretty quickly.
But oh, does it satisfy. That bulging head rubs over my G-spot with the dexterity and sweetness of an adoring lover. This is not the kind of dildo that makes me scream, “Oh fuck yes!” like the Pure Wand does, but it can make me want to moan, “Oh yeah. Just like that.”
It has some other nice features, too. A beautiful, iridescent white base. A moderately successful suction cup on the bottom. But really, it’s all about that big juicy head. It’s a total G-spot seductress.
I don’t know what else to tell ya, bro. If your G-spot is into soft, squishy, but pussy-meltingly spot-on stimulation, get the Raquel. There’s a reason why VixSkin is one of the most lusted-after materials in the sex toy kingdom.
The Mustang dildo by Vixen Creations has a formidable following. People rave about it. As one of the only Vixen dildos with manageably average measurements, it’s a very popular choice. After deciding I needed to own something made of VixSkin, it wasn’t long before I set my sights on the Mustang.
But for the first month or so after I got it, I wasn’t that impressed with it. “The VixSkin Mustang is too squishy and floppy to rub my G-spot the way I like,” I wrote in my initial review. And it was true – up until that point, my G-spot had only really been exposed to firm silicone, glass, steel, and hard plastic. To use a metaphor: if you’ve been blasting Led Zeppelin all your life, you’re unlikely to be too impressed by Vivaldi when you first start listening to his delicate compositions. But give it a while, and you might come around.
That’s what happened to me. I kept trying and trying to make the Mustang work for me, because it’s an expensive toy and I didn’t want it to go to waste… and after some time, I grew to like it. And then I grew to love it.
As far as realistic dildos go, it’s hard to find one more perfect than the Mustang. It’s non-porous and body-safe, has a killer G-spot curve and ultra-stimulating coronal ridge, flares comfortably in diameter to its widest spot at the bottom of the shaft, and isn’t so realistic as to look creepy. (Well, it creeps my boyfriend out a little, but that’s okay, he’s not the one shoving it inside of him.)
The VixSkin Mustang has surprised me by becoming one of my go-to dildos – so much that I find myself lusting after it in the new “fluoro-green” color even though I already have one. When you wish you owned more than one of the same toy, that’s a pretty dependable sign that it’s a keeper.
