Behind the Seams: Beautiful Bags & a Cat Costume

Kate Sloan

August 10th, 2023

After spending the whole day at home working on an article about eco-friendly sex toys, I decided to take myself out for dinner at a fave local pub. Sometimes a long work day can make me want to curl up alone in my bed, shutting off my brain with video games or YouTube videos for hours at a time, but sometimes it makes me want go out instead, as a sort of reward.

At the pub, I drank a grapefruit radler and a Manhattan, and read a good chunk of The Candy House by Jennifer Egan, a novel which I’ve since finished. It’s a really interesting story about a Facebook-esque company that develops technology for offloading your entire memory onto a hard drive and viewing other people’s memories; the novel follows the development and fallout of these technologies, and poses some fascinating ethical questions. Would recommend!

What I’m wearing:

• Pale blue T-shirt – a gift from my friend Sarah (this is suuuuper soft and comfy so I have been wearing it a lot)
• Black high-waisted A-line skirt – ASOS
• Black leather Chucks
• Prescription sunglasses – Zenni (after getting a new prescription at the optometrist recently, I promptly bought an updated version of the exact same sunglasses I had before… I just love the shape of these!)
• Blue/black/grey Coach Willis bag
• Rainbow earrings – 3DelightfulShop on Etsy (these go with every outfit, it’s kind of amazing)
• Apple Watch with red leather band

August 22nd, 2023

I was wary of wearing pink and red together until somewhat recently. Doing research on the lovecore aesthetic has opened my eyes to how cute these colors can look together. Who says you’re only allowed to wear them on Valentine’s Day?!

This is what I wore on a jaunt across the city to pick up my new glasses from the aforementioned optometrist. I had just recently bought this vintage red Coach Willis bag from an Etsy seller and was eager to show it off, so I built an outfit around it. Isn’t it stunning?! I love the shape of the Willis bag (as evidenced by the fact that you’ve seen two different ones already in this post) and have been lusting over the red ones for years, but they’re pretty rare and usually quite expensive on eBay etc. so I was surprised to get such a good deal on this one. I’ve been wearing it a LOT!

What I’m wearing:

• Pale pink T-shirt with a dominatrix on it – the gift shop at the Leather Archive in Chicago
• Red polka-dotted midi skirt – Forever 21 years ago
• Custom-color Nike Air Force 1 sneakers
• Red leather Coach Willis bag – vintage via TransientCreatures on Etsy
• Apple Watch
• Prescription sunglasses

August 30th, 2023

I wore this for a fun date uptown – we talked for hours over drinks and dinner on the starlit patio of a bar, and then drunkenly stumbled down the street into another, worse bar when the first one closed. I got a truly terrible Jungle Bird – should’ve known better than to order a complex, classic tiki drink from a chain establishment, tbh! Ah well, live and learn.

After we settled up, we walked over to the subway station and ended up making out pretty intensely against a tree for a while, giggling in the darkness. It was cute.

What I’m wearing:

• Blue cashmere cardigan – J. Crew (a findom gift from my love)
• Red tank top – the Gap
• Black A-line skirt – ASOS (I swear I wear this at least once in almost every Behind the Seams post; it’s just a really good, versatile item)
• Black leather Chucks
• Red leather Coach Willis bag
• Black beanie with a ghost stitched on it – bought at a Vaultboy show

September 22nd, 2023

On this day, I had to go see a doctor for a medical examination that was required as part of my U.S. immigration application. I don’t know exactly why this is required, nor do I know why there’s only one doctor in the entire city of Toronto who is approved to do these exams, but that’s where I had to go.

After that ordeal – which involved blood tests and a chest X-ray – I wanted to go on a nice solo date to shake off the stress of the day. My local steakhouse is always great, so I took my Kindle there and had a lovely night.

What I’m wearing:

• Leopard-print skater dress – American Apparel
• Red cropped cardigan – Urban CoCo via Amazon
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Red leather Coach Willis bag
• Red heart earrings of unknown origin
• Apple Watch

September 29th, 2023

My uncle was recently inducted into Canada’s Walk of Fame for his work in the 1970s rock band Rough Trade, which he co-founded along with the legendary Carole Pope. (I’d suggest starting with “High School Confidential” if you’ve never heard their music before; it’s their biggest hit and is a delightfully horny, gay rock song.)

The band had a show at a local music venue the day after getting inducted, and it felt like a celebration of their entire oeuvre. Kevan put me and a bunch of other family members on the guest list, and it was such a fun night out!

I put together this all-black ensemble because it seemed appropriate, and indeed, when I showed up, almost everyone in our group was also in all black. It’s just part of the Rough Trade aesthetic!

What I’m wearing:

• Black cropped tank top – Forever 21
• Black velvet skirt – probably also Forever 21
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black and rainbow leather satchel – from the Zatchels Pride collection

October 12th, 2023

Another all-black look… I went with my mom to a local screening of Hitchcock’s classic horror flick The Birds, and wanted to wear something gothy-looking that would also keep me cozy in the movie theatre. (They always crank up the AC so high, and cold is one of my fibro triggers!)

The black lip, incase you’re wondering, is a MAC liquid lipstick in the shade “Caviar.” I’ve only owned a few black lipsticks in my life but this is definitely the best one I’ve tried – it’s opaque in one swipe, lasts a decently long time, and makes me feel like a badass.

What I’m wearing:

• Black merino wool men’s sweater – was randomly included in an order I placed from the Gap years ago; they didn’t charge me for it and I was just like, guess this is mine now!
• Black modal slip (underneath) – Calvin Klein
• Black leggings – the Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Red leather Coach Willis bag

October 19th, 2023

Another date outfit (for a date with a different person this time)! We had drinks at a pub, laughed a lot, and then he walked me home and we fell into bed together for some shenanigans.

This bag gets compliments wherever I go. It’s really kind of perfect.

What I’m wearing:

• Blue cashmere cardigan – J. Crew
• White men’s Hanes T-shirt (I bought a 4-pack of these recently and have been loving their androgynous flavor and how comfy they are)
• Black pleated skirt – Uniqlo
• Black leggings – the Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Red heart-shaped bag – Kate Spade
• Rainbow earrings – 3DelightfulShop

October 21st, 2023

A cozy look for cocktails and good conversation with a cutie who was visiting my city. We went to Civil Liberties, my absolute favorite. It was recently named the best bar in Canada by the 50 Best Bars list, and while I obviously haven’t been to every bar in Canada, I believe it!

I bought these high-heeled Blundstones recently after much deliberation. I’ve been wanting a black leather boot with a bit of a heel, for days when I feel like being a little fancier or more femme. I like the shape of these a lot and they’re decently comfortable; I wouldn’t want to wear them for a really long walk or anything, but they’re great for little jaunts around the city.

What I’m wearing:

• Blue cashmere cardigan – J. Crew (I wear this soooo much, as evidenced by this post)
• Turquoise ribbed tank top – the Gap (I like that it lets you set your own cleavage level, lol)
• Black A-line skirt – ASOS
• Black tights
• Black high-heeled Blundstones
• Red heart-shaped bag – Kate Spade
• Green knit beanie – Only
• Blue rhinestoned Tarina Tarantino heart necklace
• Apple Watch

October 28th, 2023

This was my “costume” (barely a costume) for my friend Samantha‘s Halloween party this past weekend. I went with my friends Dan and Sarah (pictured – aren’t their costumes adorable?!) and had a great time. Got to see some people I hadn’t seen in ages.

I was dressed, ostensibly, as a black cat. I’d been having a pretty rough fibro flare-up in the week leading up to Halloween and hadn’t had the brainspace to figure out a proper costume, but this worked just fine, and I felt pretty cute in it, so who cares.

What I’m wearing:

• Black velvet dress – H&M
• Black lace cat ears headband – Forever 21
• Black leggings – the Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black vintage Coach Station bag – bought on eBay in 2012 and worn approximately one zillion times since then

 

What’s your favorite outfit you’ve worn recently?

Review: Magic Wand Micro

Kate Sloan

I keep showing the brand-new Magic Wand Micro to everyone in my life, like, “Look at it!! Isn’t it so cute?!?”

And it is cute, but it’s also a pretty fucking great vibrator. Let’s discuss.

L to R: the Magic Wand Rechargeable, Magic Wand Mini, and Magic Wand Micro

How the Micro fits into the existing Magic Wand lineup

There are currently five toys in the Magic Wand lineup, and they are as follows:

  • The Magic Wand Original ($70) is the one that’s been around the longest, and the one you’ve probably seen in porn. It’s a full-size wand (12″ long by 2.25″ wide) and it plugs into the wall. It’s very powerful, but you only get 2 vibration speeds (sometimes affectionately referred to by sex toy reviewers as “fuck” and “holy fuck”) and no vibration patterns. It’s also got a porous head (all the other Magic Wands have a body-safe silicone head), so I wouldn’t recommend it, because the porosity means it’ll cling onto bacteria and get discolored over time.
  • The Magic Wand Rechargeable ($133) is, if you ask me, the best toy in the lineup, and the one likeliest to work well for most people. Like the Original, it’s full-size, but unlike the original, you don’t need to plug it into the wall, as it’s, well, rechargeable. That being said, you can use it while it’s charging, meaning that if it dies mid-session, you can just plug it in and keep using it. It has 4 speeds: the two high ones from the Original and two additional lower ones, which makes it a better pick for people who are more sensitive, more easily overstimulated, etc. It also has 4 vibration patterns.
  • The Magic Wand Plus ($80) is basically a hybrid between the Original and the Rechargeable. It’s a full-size wand with the same 4 speeds as the Rechargeable but no vibration patterns. It plugs into the wall and can’t be used wirelessly. If you’ve got a limited budget and can’t afford the Rechargeable, I’d suggest the Plus over the Original, because the silicone head and additional speeds make it well worth the extra ten bucks. That being said, I’ve found that it’s a bit louder than the Rechargeable.
  • The Magic Wand Mini ($76) is, of course, smaller (9.6″ long by 1.9″ wide) and lighter, which can be attractive qualities if you want to use your wand during penetrative sex and/or if you have difficulties with muscle strength, dexterity, etc. The Mini is rechargeable and it cannot be used while it’s charging. It has 3 speeds and no patterns. Despite its motor offering comparable RPMs (revolutions per minute) to the larger wands, the Mini feels less strong and less rumbly than its larger siblings, although it’s still plenty powerful for a wand of its size.
  • Finally, the Magic Wand Micro ($65) is indeed quite small, at 4.5″ long by 1.3″ wide, so it’ll fit between bodies during penetrative sex more easily than any other Magic Wand. It’s rechargeable and it can’t be used while charging. It has 3 speeds and 4 patterns to choose from. Its vibrations are less strong than those of the larger wands, but it still packs a punch for its size and is surprisingly rumbly. It’s not waterproof (none of the Magic Wands are). It also comes with an optional/removable wrist strap for added dexterity/grip during use.
L to R: the Magic Wand Micro, We-Vibe Tango X, Lelo Lily 3, and Lovense Exomoon

How the Micro compares to other small vibrators you might know

  • The We-Vibe Tango X ($79) doesn’t have quite as much power as the Magic Wand Micro, but it is rumblier for most of its speeds, so it can effectively feel stronger at times because it reaches deeper clitoral tissues and doesn’t cause temporary numbness as easily/quickly as buzzier vibes. The Tango X also has more speeds to choose from (8 vs. 3), is waterproof, and is quieter than any Magic Wand even on its highest speed.
  • The Lelo Lily 3 ($79) is of comparable rumbliness to the Magic Wand Micro, but is not as strong. The Lily 3 is waterproof, has more speeds, and is noticeably quieter than the wand, but it also vibrates your hand a lot more because it’s smaller/slimmer, and the buttons are harder to press in the heat of the moment.
  • The Lovense Exomoon ($79) is rumbly, quiet, and waterproof, but doesn’t get near the Magic Wand Micro in terms of vibration strength.

Things I like about the Magic Wand Micro

  • First and foremost, it really is impressively rumbly and powerful for its size. On a sensitive day, I can get off using the first speed of the Micro. For reference, I can also sometimes get off on the lowest speed of the Mini and Rechargeable, largely due to the low pitch (i.e. rumbliness) of their vibrations, which makes the vibrations feel more impactful and pleasurable than buzzy ones (for me and many others, anyway) even at low settings.
  • The aesthetic is really fucking adorable. Like, I know you’ve seen the pictures, so I won’t harp on it about it for too long, but I absolutely adore the miniaturized look of this wand. It makes me smile and giggle with glee. I think many people who are familiar with the full-size Magic Wands – whether as a user, the partner of a user, or even just a fan of porn featuring these wands – would have a similar reaction.
  • Like all the Magic Wands (setting aside the porous head of the Original), the Micro feels really well-made. The quality and construction are beautiful, the mechanics work as they should, and there’s a 1-year limited warranty incase that changes.
  • The addition of a wrist strap is interesting and (I think) wise. Smaller vibrators can indeed be harder to keep a good grip on, especially when your fingers are lubey, and looping the strap around my wrist helps a lot with that.
  • As you might expect, the Micro is decidedly the quietest of all the Magic Wands. It’s certainly not silent, but I never feel like anyone in the next room might overhear what I’m doing, which I can’t say about any other Magic Wand.
  • Like the Mini, Rechargeable, and Plus, the Micro has a silicone head with just the right amount of squish to feel comfortable during use, but not so much as to soften the vibrations significantly. It’s also got that same rounded-squarish shape that I like about the other Magic Wand heads, which means I can narrow the vibrations into a smaller, more focused shape by tilting the vibrator 45° to the right or left, thereby positioning just the corner of the head on my clit. I love this versatility, as someone who usually (but not always) prefers a more pinpointed sensation rather than a broad one.
  • Naturally, because the Micro is so small, it never gets in the way of any dildo or butt plug I might be using at the same time, even ones with quite bulky bases. Likewise, it would fit between bodies during penetrative sex much better than the larger wands (I haven’t gotten to test it this way yet because my partner and I are currently 500 miles apart, but I’m sure it’ll happen at some point).
  • The Micro charges via USB-C. I actually have mixed feelings on this because, while I was originally excited to be able to conveniently charge a vibrator with the same cable I use for my laptop and Kindle, you actually aren’t supposed to use charging cables other than the provided one (which is, annoyingly, VERY short), and I found that the Micro wouldn’t even charge when I briefly connected it to my USB-C laptop charger (probably something to do with the wattage?). But it is good to see more sex toy companies moving toward using common charging systems rather than their own proprietary ones.
  • I like that the Micro is cheaper, at $65, than a lot of its direct competitors, like the other rechargeable clitoral vibes mentioned above. I think you’re getting quite a bit of bang for your buck for that price.
  • This might be a niche point to make, since obviously most people don’t have a zillion different sex toys like I do, but sometimes I really like the Micro as a warm-up for using the Magic Wand Rechargeable. Even on its lowest speed, the Rechargeable can be a bit intense for me to start with, especially if I’m not already aroused, but it feels like a perfect continuation from the Micro if I decide mid-session that I want more power or that I want the vibrations to be spread out across a larger surface area. That being said, as I’ve mentioned, the Micro works perfectly well for me on its own, too.
L to R: the Magic Wand Rechargeable, Magic Wand Mini, and Magic Wand Micro

Some potential issues to keep in mind

  • Most importantly: while Vibratex clearly has worked very hard to make the Micro a true Magic Wand, in that it’s good-quality and quite powerful for its size, it won’t satisfy true power queens/kings/monarchs. Its highest speed is about as strong as the 2nd speed of both the Magic Wand Mini (which has 3 speeds total) and the Magic Wand Rechargeable (which has 4). It’s about as rumbly as the Mini but definitely not as rumbly as the full-size Magic Wands.
  • Notably, the Micro also gets buzzier as you turn it up. For me, it never gets so buzzy as to cause the annoying itching or irritation that some super-buzzy vibes can cause, but it can lead to some of the temporary desensitization I associate with buzzier vibes, so sometimes I have to move the Micro up and down or in circles during use to get enough stimulation to reach orgasm. 3 steady speeds also just isn’t very many, and I wish there was even one more.
  • Because the Micro is so small, its vibrations are transmitted into your hand more than they would be with larger Magic Wands. I don’t personally find this too annoying/distracting (and it’s certainly not as bad as the vibration transfer on, say, the original We-Vibe Tango) but it might annoy some people.
  • There are only two buttons on the Micro’s control panel: a power button to turn the toy on or off, and a “Mode” button that cycles through its 3 speeds and 4 patterns. This means that if you reach the top steady speed (for example) and want to go back to the first steady speed, you either have to press the Mode button an additional 5 times to get back to the beginning, or hit the power button twice to turn the toy off and then on again, which brings it back to the first speed. Again, this isn’t something that annoys me too much personally (which might be because I used to constantly use the aforementioned original We-Vibe Tango, which had the same issue), but if you like to move up and down through speed settings a lot – or if you hate vibration patterns and never want to encounter them – then you’d probably prefer one of the Magic Wands that has “+” and “–” buttons (the Mini and Plus) or a wand where the patterns are accessed through a separate patterns button (the Rechargeable).
  • The neck of the Micro is very bendy, which could be a pro or a con, depending on how you like to use vibrators. If you like to apply a lot of pressure, you’re better off with a wand that has less give, like the Rechargeable.
  • Although I haven’t gotten to try it this way yet, I have a feeling the Micro wouldn’t work as well on penises as, say, the Rechargeable does, because it just covers less real estate. But who knows. Maybe I’ll update this review when I have an opportunity to put the Micro on my partner’s dick and ask them what they think. (Also, I recently spoke to the dominatrix Lady Pim about this and she pointed out that the Micro might be the ideal toy for penis-possessing folks who like small penis humiliation, so there’s that…!)

 

Final thoughts

I’m delighted with the Magic Wand Micro. It’s tiny, portable, and adorable. It serves up rumbly vibrations worthy of the Magic Wand name (although true power hounds should still spring for a bigger wand). It makes me smile every time I look at it, and makes me come every time I use it. I have a feeling it’ll become a bedside staple of mine, just like its larger siblings have been for years.

 

You can currently preorder the Magic Wand Micro from SheVibe and it’ll ship to you once it’s available. The expected release date is October 31st, 2023 (happy Halloween, lol!). I would recommend ordering it this way, rather than on Amazon, because there are a lot of Magic Wand knockoffs on there.

 

Full disclosure: Vibratex sent me this product for free, and I am also currently working with them on a Magic Wand-related project (which will be announced at some point!), but as always, I only write stuff I actually believe. This review is as accurate and unbiased as I know how to make it, because I believe my readers deserve my honest opinions, and I know you only trust me because of my consistent honesty about products, including this one.

West-Coast Cities & What I’d Wear

Kate Sloan

This morning, I received some great news in my inbox: my U.S. immigration interview has been scheduled for early November!

I haven’t mentioned it much here (or possibly at all?), but my spouse and I have been working with immigration lawyers for quite some time, putting together my application to move to the U.S. You would think it would be a simpler process, since my partner is an American citizen and we got married nearly 3 years ago (!!), but it’s been a bureaucratic labyrinth. I’m very glad (and very, very lucky) that we have professionals helping us through it.

Anyway, because my application is still pending, I’m not currently supposed to enter the States – so, naturally, I have been daydreaming about a lot of American cities that I want to return to, or visit for the first time, as the case may be. *wistful sigh*

I’m an east-coast gal – born and raised in Toronto, trying to move to New York – and, while I generally gel better with east-coasters culturally, west-coast cities nonetheless intrigue me. Here are a few I’d like to visit when I’m allowed to again, and some dreamy outfits I’d wear…

Portland

Undoubtedly my favorite west-coast city, Portland is full of impassioned weirdos, cool bookstores, and great coffee. (Also, incidentally, one of the best-stocked sex shops I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting, Spartacus Leathers.)

You’d look right at home in Portland wearing a plaid flannel shirt, skinny jeans, and boots (god, remember that odd-looking collaboration collection Dr. Martens did with Pendleton?! How very Portlandia), but I usually want to dress more femme than that. In a patterned dress, colorful cashmere cardigan, lace tights, and a pair of ever-ubiquitous Docs, I’d feel comfy enough for an hours-long jaunt betwixt the shelves at Powell’s, but would still be dressed-up enough for a drinks date at the Multnomah Whiskey Library afterward.

Since Portland is famously the “city of roses,” naturally I would incorporate a rose motif into my ensemble: a red rose hair clip, and earrings to match. Add a cozy scarf, a cute little crossbody bag, and a poppin’ red lip, and I’m ready to stroll through the rose garden with my sweetheart, even if it gets chilly.

Los Angeles

L.A. culture and New York culture are often regarded as opposites, but I think people from both cities have a flair for the dramatic, just in different ways. And since I love a themed outfit (which is one of the ways I have a flair for the dramatic), I’d have to dress up in a caricature of Californian glamor if I went there.

Pink and blue feel like very Cali colors to me. A blue silky tank top tucked into a Barbie-pink high-waisted skirt would be the ideal foundation for my outfit. I’d pair that with pink lips, pink heart-shaped sunglasses (very Lolita), and a pink heart necklace from my favorite L.A.-based designer, Tarina Tarantino. Sunscreen is a must-have for sunny California days, natch, as is an adorable Instax camera that matches my outfit. I’d bring along a blue moto jacket incase it got colder at night.

I wonder if Los Angeles escorts and strippers would have the best recommendations for where to get sexy high heels locally. These blue ones are by Manolo Blahnik, and while I could likely handle wearing them for the duration of a cab ride, dinner, and an improv show at the Upright Citizens Brigade, I’m sure I wouldn’t want to traverse the whole Hollywood Walk of Fame in them!

San Francisco

My main reason for wanting to go to San Francisco is that it’s a major hub for queer folks, so of course I’d want to dress in a loudly gay manner there. If ever there was a good reason to buy rainbow boots…!

I’d make sure to wear bike shorts under this flowy yellow dress, so I wouldn’t flash anyone if the breeze picked up as I walked along the Golden Gate Bridge. A shiny red jacket would keep me cozy in the event of wind or rain. And of course, gotta have coquettish red sunglasses and a red lip to match.

My look would be rather different if I was attending the Folsom Street Fair – think black leather and dominatrix vibes – but I think this would be the ideal outfit for daytime touristy shenanigans in the “city by the bay.”

 

What are your favorite west-coast cities, and what do you regard as the best things to do there? (Asking for a friend… The friend is me, when I’m allowed back in the USA!)

 

This post was sponsored by my pals at Slixa. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

People With Penises Can Wear Strap-Ons Too!

Kate Sloan
Photo by (and of) my lovely partner, modeling a RodeoH harness with a Godemiche Ambit dildo

Today I come to you with an important public service announcement: people with vulvas aren’t the only ones who can wear strap-ons. People with penises can wear ‘em, too!

You might be thinking, “Why would someone want to strap on a fake dick when they already have a real one?” There are actually many answers to this question; here are just a few of them:

 

Variety’s sake

Your dick’s shape and size are great, but there are other shapes and sizes that can also feel good. For instance, I used to ask a particular boyfriend to strap on a dildo that was smaller than his actual cock so we could have anal sex more easily. The dildo also had a deeper curve than his dick, so it could stimulate my G-spot (through the anal-vaginal wall) more intensely than he could without it.

Some toys also offer a texture and/or hardness that your dick just doesn’t, such as glass dildos (of which there are indeed some that are harness-compatible). Strap-ons are fantastic for broadening the array of sensations you’re able to provide for your partner.

 

Stamina

Being able to last “long enough” is one of the primary sexual concerns of a lot of penis-havers, and it becomes almost a non-issue when you’re strapping on. (I say “almost” because it is possible to reach orgasm from fucking someone with a strap-on – but naturally, it’s more difficult and less common than getting off from regular ol’ penile stimulation.) You can basically fuck your partner for as long as you want – or as long as they want – without worrying that you’ll come too soon.

This can give you peace of mind, but it may also give your partner peace of mind. I’ve often worried I was taking “too long” to come during PIV, especially if my partner was noticeably staving off their orgasm – often with difficulty – so I could reach mine. But when they’re wearing a strap-on, I can take my time a bit more, and still experience the super-intense orgasms I have from getting fucked while providing my own clitoral stimulation with my fingers or a vibrator. My partner can even fuck me with a strap-on after they’ve already come, something that’s tough to do if (like most people) you’ve got a refractory period.

 

Erectile difficulties

If you struggle with inconsistent or nonexistent erections, using a strap-on can make a world of difference in your sexual confidence and capability. Strap-on sex gives you a lot of the same intimacy, closeness, and thrusting leverage as you get during standard PIV or anal sex, but you get to use a store-bought boner instead of worrying about conjuring your own. (This may be especially relevant for you if you’re unable to use medications like Viagra due to having medical contraindications or a lack of financial access to them.)

 

Focus

One complaint I’ve occasionally heard from partners is that they’d like to be able to pay more attention to my pleasure faces and noises, etc. during sex, but get somewhat distracted by their own pleasure, making this hard to do.

When you’re wearing a strap-on, you can more readily focus on what’s going on for your partner, which many people find ultra-hot. It also means that when it’s “your turn” to receive pleasure (e.g. via a post-strap-on-sex BJ), you can focus fully on that, instead of also worrying about whether you’re pleasing your partner enough at the same time.

 

Kink

Sometimes wearing a strap-on is just fucking hot! Maybe your fantasy is to dominate your partner by ploughing them with a huge dildo, or maybe you want to satisfy them with a strap-on while your real cock’s locked away in a chastity cage… There are about a zillion different kinky scenarios that could benefit from incorporating a strap-on.

A lot of kink is about power, and wearing a formidable cock that never gets soft can be quite powerful… as can “forcing” someone to fuck you with a strap-on, verbally humiliating them about it, etc. There’s so much psychosexual territory to explore!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Reasons You Shouldn’t Be Jealous of Your Partner’s Sex Toy(s)

Kate Sloan

Having written about sex toys for as long as I have, one of the most common complaints I hear from readers about toys is that they’re nervous their partner will react poorly to them. Either they already know their partner has a bad attitude about toys because of previous conversations they’ve had, or they just have a sinking feeling about it, and are therefore hesitant to incorporate their favorite pleasurable gizmo(s) into sex.

I also sometimes receive questions from the jealous partner themselves, wondering why they’re experiencing such irrational jealousy and resentment about their sweetheart’s Fleshlight or realistic dildo. After all, a lot of times, when we feel intense distress about someone else’s otherwise harmless choice, it has to do with underlying emotional issues that we may or may not be aware of – and when we’re not aware of them, it can seem like there’s nothing we can do about them.

With that in mind, here are 4 reasons you shouldn’t be jealous of your partner’s sex toy…

 

You bring so much more to the table than a dildo or stroker!

It might sound obvious, but it’s true: you are a human being, and so you are automatically capable of doing many, many, MANY things that sex toys alone cannot do! And I say this as someone who is, obviously, a huge fan of sex toys. They can’t whisper cute/hot things in my ear. They can’t remember what I like and do more of it (seriously, even the A.I.-influenced toys that claim to be able to do this are nowhere near human-level good at it). They can’t tap into the fantasies and archetypes that turn me on and play those out with me. They can’t replace the feeling of a warm, soft, touchable person in bed next to me. They can’t make me laugh, or hold me when I cry.

If you truly believe that a sex toy has the ability to replace you or upstage you, I would (lovingly) invite you to consider that you might have some self-esteem issues that are worth working on, so you can be happier in and out of the bedroom. (More on that in the last point on this list.)

 

You can use sex toys with/on your partner!

Toys are just tools. As the classic analogy goes: if you use a hammer to build a house, it wasn’t the hammer that built the house, it was you! And by the same token, if you give your partner pleasure and/or orgasms with toys, it was still you who did that. You just used a tool to do it – and using tools and technology is quite literally part of what makes us human, part of what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. You wouldn’t consider yourself a failure for needing to wear bifocals, or for cooking on a gas range instead of over an open fire, and for the same exact reason, you shouldn’t consider yourself inadequate for incorporating sex toys into sex.

Besides which, using sex toys together can be a really fun adventure, and a way to infuse some novelty and variety into your sex life.

 

Pleasure is a good thing!

You want your partner to experience pleasure, right? Because you like them (maybe even love them) and want them to be happy? And it’s very likely they want the same for you.

More pleasure is a good thing, period. Sex is (for most of us) primarily about pleasure and intimacy. Sex toys can help you in your pursuit of those goals.

If you find that maintaining a sense of yourself as sexually indispensable is more important to you than your partner’s pleasure, well… I think that’s worth examining.

 

Slapping a Band-Aid on your insecurities isn’t the same thing as addressing/healing them

I’ve learned this in so many different areas of life. Our fickle human brains like to come up with “logical” solutions to emotional problems. This is why, for example, some monogamous straight people will insist that their partner “can’t” have any friends of the “opposite sex,” because to do so is perceived as a threat to the relationship even when it’s obviously not. These people are trying to “legislate away their feelings” through rules and “boundaries,” in the same way that a person might “forbid” their partner to use sex toys in order to avoid facing the insecurities and anxieties that sex toy usage might bring up for them.

What I have learned is that you cannot outrun or “logic away” these issues. They will keep coming up, in various different forms, until and unless you face them and heal them. And when the issues in question are related to your partner’s rights and freedoms, oftentimes they will manifest in very problematic and perhaps even abusive ways.

The fact is, you don’t get to impose coercive rules on your partner just because you are insecure and anxious. Your partner may want to help you with your insecurities and anxieties, which would be very nice of them, but they are not obligated to, especially if the “help” you are requesting amounts to them making their life smaller, less joyful, and worse just to appease you.

But here’s the really important point – and I say this with love: you will be happier if you address your issues head-on, rather than trying to re-route your discomfort onto someone else. Whether through therapy, journaling, cognitive-behavioral exercises, Internal Family Systems exercises (which have helped me enormously with my insecurities and abandonment anxieties), or any other method of investigative self-reflection, it’s important to figure out what you’re so afraid of, why you’re afraid of it, and whether your fears have any basis in your current reality. More often than not, these types are fears are founded on false beliefs you’ve picked up from past experiences and/or cultural influences, and you don’t need that shit floating around in your brain – it’ll only cause you pain, and cause your partner(s) pain by proxy.

You deserve to live a life of happiness and pleasure, and so does your partner. And that’ll be much easier to achieve once you truly believe, in your very bones, that you are worthy, you are enough, and you have more to offer than a phallic piece of silicone.

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.