Edging, Oysters, & Eyes Wide Shut: My Experiences at Sex Expo & a Lovehoney Press Dinner

Kate Sloan

When I was in my early-to-mid twenties and had just gotten into the sex media biz, I went to as many industry events as my energy levels would allow, and sometimes even more. I scampered around Toronto every year attending screenings and presentations during Feminist Porn Week; I flew to Virginia annually for the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit; I spoke on panels and did live podcast recordings at various other conferences and events both local and far-away.

Needless to say, the pandemic changed all that – but I’ve also changed these past few years, becoming even more of an introverted homebody and getting pickier about which events I want to expend my increasingly limited energy on.

In the past few weeks, though, I’ve attended two industry events, both of which were fun and eye-opening. Let’s talk about the sights I saw, delicacies I ate, and goodies I took home from these events!

Sex Expo

The New York-based Sex Expo was one of the first industry events I ever attended, way back in 2015. It’s an interesting blend of industry tradeshow and public-facing sex-ed symposium; there are always tables and booths packed with the latest sexual innovations, as well as informative talks given by superstar sex educators.

Sparkly glass toys from Crystal Delights

I was delighted to see that Crystal Delights was in attendance. They’re a sex toy brand known for their outrageously beautiful glass dildos and butt plugs. I only have one toy from them, the Star Delight, which I adore because it can hit my A-spot with ease, provides firm pressure right where I crave it, and is well-suited to being paired with oral sex. Frankly it was hard to keep myself from splurging on another shiny, sparkly dildo from this high-end brand!

It was also cool to see some of the newest offerings from Blush, a brand that has transformed into one of the industry’s top-quality toymakers over the past few years. Their new line of “wellness”-themed vibrators is especially interesting to me. There’s a vibe in that line called the G Ball which combines vibration with a small ball that moves around under its silicone surface to stimulate your G-spot in a way that would probably feel remarkably similar to being fingered there.

In the same line is a dual-stimulation vibe called the Wellness G Wave. A lot of sex toy companies have been overhauling the entire concept of a dual-stimulation vibrator these past couple years, making ones that are flexible enough to fit a broad range of bodies, like the We-Vibe Nova 2 and SnailVibe, and the G Wave is Blush’s contribution to that category. Each of its two long, bendy arms (which make it look like the pinching emoji 🤏) stimulates a different erogenous zone, and they have enough flex that you can thrust the toy in and out without interrupting your pleasure. Best of all, both of these toys have an astonishingly rumbly motor, which makes all the difference. Cool!

Not to fangirl about Blush too hard, but I also think it’s really awesome that they’ve released a toy called the Power of Love in the colors of the Ukrainian flag, with all proceeds being donated to relief efforts in Ukraine. I was genuinely surprised by how strong and rumbly this little bullet vibe is – and since it’s cheaper than a lot of its direct competitors, like the excellent We-Vibe Tango X, it’s an ideal pick if you want a petite-yet-powerful toy that supports a good cause.

At Sex Expo I also met the minds behind the FirmTech ring, a high-tech cock ring that’s essentially a FitBit for your dick. Apparently it tracks a bunch of factors related to erection quality and overall erectile health. I could see this being a fun product for any penis-owner who’s nerdy about sex, or perhaps for a strict dom/domme to “force” their partner to wear in some kind of medical-adjacent kinky roleplay. They took down my contact info to send my partner one of these rings to try, so maybe I’ll review it sometime in 2023.

Finally, my partner and I attended a talk at the expo given by Daniel Saynt on the topic of edging. He discussed it as a method of mindful masturbation, a way to make self-pleasure feel less goal-oriented and more focused on the journey than the destination. It was a useful reminder to slow down and enjoy the scenery, so to speak.

Lovehoney media preview + dinner

My attention was piqued when I received an invite to an exclusive drinks-and-dinner event hosted by Lovehoney. They’re one of the biggest brands in the biz, especially now that they acquired Womanizer, We-Vibe and Arcwave last year – so I figured this bash was unmissable.

A bunch of journalists gathered in a Lovehoney pop-up shop for delicious drinks. There were east-coast oysters on ice, too – swanky. I perused the shelves full of products while sipping a concoction made of tequila, matcha, and pineapple juice, and chatted with other media-makers: entertainment and travel reporters, a TV anchorperson, and various other interesting people. Two of the sexperts in attendance were Dr. Jess O’Reilly and Bobby Box, both of whom are super smart and do wonderful work, so I was excited to meet them in-person – and they were just as lovely as I thought they’d be.

Toward the end of cocktail hour, the PR staff handed out tote bags to each of us and encouraged us to grab whatever we wanted off the shelves. I love when brands do this at media events, rather than just handing you a bag pre-packed with whatever they want you to have; it’s just so much smarter to let media-makers choose what we’re actually excited about, both for their sake and for ours.

Some of the things I took from the shelves:

  • The Lovehoney Rose clitoral stimulator, another version of the rose toy that went mega-viral on Tiktok a little while ago. I hadn’t gotten around to trying this one despite its massive success and ubiquity, in part because I’ve just tried so many other pressure-wave toys and didn’t particularly need more of them. But when I took the Rose out of its box, I was immediately swayed by how soft and flexible the silicone “petals” are. Can’t wait to put this thing on my clit tbh!
  • A We-Vibe Bond cock ring – I loved the Pivot, another of their cock rings, for its super rumbly motor and Bluetooth compatibility, so I’ve wanted to try out the Bond too. It’s more aimed at stimulating the wearer’s balls and perineum during use than at pleasuring their partner, which I think is cool and which hopefully my spouse will enjoy when we try it out together.
  • A paddle that’s leather on one side and satin on the other. I am normally very wary of paddles that look like this, especially inexpensive ones (this one is $20), because usually they’re more bark than bite and are hella stingy, rather than thuddy – not my fave. But in testing this out briefly on myself, I’m actually really impressed by how it feels. There seems to be a firm core to it that gives it some heft and thuddiness, and the smooth leather side feels more stingy and makes a louder noise, while the satin side feels thuddier and makes a softer, lower-pitched sound. I wouldn’t recommend using this one for a lot of hard hits, but if you like milder scenes, I think it’s a versatile pick.
  • A couple of pink silicone dildos – this pink and purple one, and one with hearts embedded in it. What can I say, I’m a sucker for a femme cock.
  • A pair of silicone nipple suckers. I’ve never tried these and have always been curious whether they actually work/feel good. Only one way to find out.

After we’d filled our tote bags with toys and swilled our cocktails, we were invited to an event space upstairs, in which there was a long table with place settings and place cards. Honestly, I love place cards, especially at events where I don’t know the other attendees very well or at all; it’s a classy, fancy-looking touch that also works wonders to assuage my social anxiety. (That middle-school-cafeteria feeling of “Who do I sit with?!” is unfortunately still pretty triggering for me, lol fun.)

The PR reps gave us a brief explanation of some new toys Lovehoney is launching soon, which are under embargo so I can’t share details with you yet – but I can tell you that they’re using pressure-wave technology in new and interesting ways, and I’m excited to find out what the new products are like in use.

After that, we were served a wildly fancy 8-course dinner prepared by the culinary team at Patois, a well-reviewed restaurant next door to the event space which makes “Caribbean-meets-Asian soul food.” The theme of the menu was sex and sensuality, so there were lots of fun touches – like a rosy radicchio salad that looked vaguely like a turned-on vulva, a balloon containing orange essential oil that we all popped in unison with provided pins, and a bowl of sour fruits served alongside a miracle berry which temporarily changed our taste receptors to make sour things taste sweet.

The best dish of the evening, I thought, was the main: braised beef brisket in oxtail gravy, served with rice and peas, mac-and-cheese pie, and creamy coleslaw. (The vegetarians and vegans in the room were served a spicy cauliflower situation in lieu of the brisket, which apparently was very good also.) I felt #blessed to be eating something so delicious in the company of so many cool people.

My other favorite dish was one of the desserts, called “Eyes Wide Shut.” Each place setting had a blindfold next to it, and we were told to put these on. “This dish is all about trust,” the chef said, as servers went around the table and individually fed each blindfolded person the dessert, which was a dark chocolate truffle containing raspberry (I think?) and Pop Rocks, for a sensory experience that was both delicious and intriguing. There was also an artist stationed at a nearby table who was doing custom calligraphy on everyone’s eye mask if requested; I just got my name but some of the people around me got fun text like “Touch me.” Cute!

Overall, it was a lovely evening, and I left with a belly full of delicious food and drinks and a giant bag full of sexy products, feeling very lucky to get to do what I love for a living.

Review: Utimi Hands-Free Automatic Penis Pump

Kate Sloan

When my partner and I tested the Utimi hands-free automatic penis pump together for the first time over FaceTime, and we were trying to decide whether they should use the included cock ring with the pump or not, I said, “Well, how would you normally use a penis pump?” and they said, “I’ve never used one, so I wouldn’t know.” For some reason I had 100% assumed that they would have tried one at least once before, even though they didn’t actually own one before getting this one.

I think that’s just because I can’t imagine not having a clit pump in my sex toy arsenal. It does something that no other type of toy can really do. Sure, there are some toys which claim to be “clit suckers,” but those are actually using pressure-wave technology for the most part, which is different. I like that the clit pump almost forces me to become aroused – first physically, and then (if I’m in the right frame of mind) mentally – by engorging my clit with blood, essentially creating an artificial clitoral erection. Pressure-wave toys like Womanizer don’t typically do this, or at least not as consistently.

In much the same way, many pleasure-oriented “suction” products for penises do some sort of rhythmic contraction/intermittent tightening, which isn’t quite the same as what a penis pump provides: consistent, insistent suction over the entire length of the dick. The difference matters, because of the effects that can be achieved with each. Penis pumps aren’t necessarily pleasurable; they aren’t designed to be, in the way that some of those “blowjob simulator”-type toys are. Pumps are mostly used either for encouraging a nominal amount of penis growth over a long period of regular use (the effectiveness of which is debatable), or for addressing erectile dysfunction.

The way they work is, you put on a cock ring and then put a lubed-up pump on and start gradually pumping air out of it, which pulls blood into your dick – and since the blood is trapped in there by the ring around the base, this hopefully helps you achieve a boner even if you otherwise struggle to do so. Some experts even think that doing this regularly can increase your overall erection quality, whether or not you choose to use the pump before any given sex or masturbation session.

Though erectile dysfunction isn’t a problem they deal with, my partner was more than willing to test out the Utimi hands-free automatic penis pump so I could review it. Let’s talk about it.

 

 

What is the Utimi hands-free automatic penis pump?

Broadly speaking, there are two types of penis pumps: manual and electronic. The manual ones involve hand-pumping air, while the electronic (or “automatic”) types do the pumping for you, at the press of a button.

This Utimi pump is of the latter type; it’s a rechargeable electronic penis pump. Here are some of the things my partner and I like and dislike about it.

 

Gif via Utimi

Things I like about this toy:

  • I have to say, it fucking works. The gif to the left made me cackle out loud when I first saw it, because it’s so cartoonish and obviously fake, but when I actually saw my partner use this toy on FaceTime for the first time – starting from almost totally flaccid – the transformation was nearly as fast and as intense as the one pictured in this gif. This pump really does kind of conjure a boner out of thin air, and combined with a cock ring, that boner can have staying power. Good news for ED sufferers!
  • It’s nice that it comes with a cock ring, as well as a bottle of water-based lube. These are accessories that everyone should have on hand when using a penis pump, so it’s super convenient that they’re included.
  • The controls are simple, and easy to learn: there’s an on/off button that also functions as a “pause” button when short-pressed, as well as a “+” button, a “–” button, and a quick-release button.
  • The quick-release is manual, not electronic, as it should be – and it works. Never buy a penis pump where the pressure release has to be done electronically, as this could be very dangerous if the electronics fail mid-session for whatever reason.
  • There are measurements printed along the shaft of the pump, like a ruler. This is cool because it lets you see just how much your dick is actually growing, plus it could potentially be fun to use as part of a small penis humiliation scene or somesuch.
  • In addition to two soft endcaps that make the base of the pump more comfy when it’s pressed against your pubic mound, this pump also comes with another endcap designed to look like a vulva. There’s no texture or anything on the inside – this ain’t no Fleshlight – but it does provide a nice visual if you’re into pussies, and it’s also more cushioned than the other two endcaps, so it’d be a good pick if you find the pump’s edges too pokey around the base of your dick.
  • The components of the toy can be disassembled for easier cleaning. Everything except the motor component is water-resistant.

Things I don’t like about this toy:

  • I don’t feel able to say with 100% certainty that this pump is safe to use. I interviewed a penis pump expert for a piece I wrote for MEL a few months ago, and he said that pumps should always have a gauge which tells you how much pressure is being exerted at any given time, so that you can know for sure that you’re staying within a safe zone. This pump offers no way to monitor the pressure.
  • The pressure is also way too intense, even on the first of its four suction settings. My partner found it unpleasantly tight, and said it was “like a different version of CBT” (cock and ball torture). Each setting escalates, starting at a low amount of pressure and working its way up – and if you manage to press the pause button at the moment you’ve reached your ideal amount of pressure, you can keep it there, and then gradually increase it as needed by unpausing and then quickly pausing it again. But this level of manipulation really shouldn’t be necessary to achieve a safe and comfortable amount of pressure, and there should be less intense settings available to use.
  • The pussy endcap is made of TPE, a porous material, meaning it will eventually break down and will hold onto bacteria no matter how much you wash it. This isn’t typically as big of a deal for people with penises because they’re usually less prone to infections, etc. than vaginas are, but it’s worth knowing about, especially if you plan on sharing the toy.
  • Although Utimi emphasizes the toy’s transparentness as a selling point because it gives you a view of the dick inside, there’s a strange diamond pattern on some sections of the tube which obscures the dick visually. This seems unnecessary and I wish it were see-through all the way around.
  • The construction feels cheap – the motor end of the toy doesn’t screw onto the tube with threads, but rather, just stays in place due to tension from the tube, so it could easily fall apart mid-session. You could put it back together just fine, but it’s pretty annoying to even have to do that.

 

The toy’s controls

Final thoughts:

I don’t think the Utimi hands-free automatic penis pump is safe for most users, and especially not for beginners to pumping, because it gives you minimal control over how much pressure is being exerted, and doesn’t have a pressure gauge.

However, if you’re a pumping veteran and are good at paying attention to your body’s signals and knowing when to stop, you may be able to make use of the “pause” function on this toy to achieve your desired amount of suction without much effort. It’s also worth noting that electronic penis pumps are more accessible than manual ones for people who struggle to do the hand-pumping motion due to disability, strength issues, chronic pain, etc.

Utimi makes another penis pump that does have a pressure gauge on its LCD screen, so that might be a good option (and for some reason it’s actually cheaper than this one), but I haven’t tried it out so I can’t say for sure. But in general, especially for beginners, I’d recommend a manual penis pump with a non-digital pressure gauge, as these are safer to use and tend to give you more control over your experience.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How My DD/lg Kink Helps Me with Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, and Vice-Versa

Kate Sloan

Two of the most important concepts I’ve ever learned in my life both go by an acronym: DD/lg, and IFS.

DD/lg, as you probably know if you’ve been reading this site for a while, stands for daddy dom/little girl roleplay, and it’s been a central part of my sexuality since I was about 23-24 (though there were certainly hints of those inclinations in my behavior and fantasies earlier than that). For those unaware, DD/lg is a specific type of D/s (dominance and submission) involving a nurturing, caretaking dynamic between a sub inhabiting a “little girl” role (that’s me!) and a dom inhabiting the role of a wise, nurturing caretaker (that’s my spouse!).

It has nothing to do with incest or (the way I do it) even the fantasy of incest – it’s rare that my partner and I roleplay as a literal daddy and daughter, since that “taboo” aspect is generally not what turns us on about it. Rather, the safety, caretaking, supportiveness and love involved in this dynamic both turn me on and lessen the factors that turn me off (anxiety, body image issues, depression, etc.), creating a psychological environment in which comfort and arousal can both abound.

IFS, on the other hand, stands for Internal Family Systems, a therapeutic modality for healing trauma. IFS is one of the key tools in my current therapist’s toolbox, which is how I got introduced to it – and I’m incredibly glad I did, because it’s truly one of the only things that has actually felt healing and helpful from all my ~16 years of therapy with various different practitioners.

Instead of encouraging you to “logic your way out of” depression, anxiety, and other trauma responses (as in cognitive-behavioral therapy) or to repeatedly relive your traumas aloud as if simply retelling a story could help you heal from it (as in standard talk therapy), IFS teaches you to see every uncomfortable emotion and outsized reaction as a “part” of yourself, who you can have a dialogue with, as if this “part” was an actual human being. In learning to do this work, you can learn to comfort your parts when they need it, instead of letting them flood you with emotion (or “blend with” you, in IFS parlance) whenever you get triggered.

Every “part” represents an earlier version of you who was frozen in time somewhere along the line due to trauma, so a lot of them talk/think/behave much more like children than like adults. But through IFS, you can learn to more and more often inhabit what the model refers to as the Self, with a capital S – the most evolved, integrated part of yourself, essentially the adult who can do the caretaking within your “internal family system” of traumatized childlike parts.

Because I’m a nerd, I’ve supplemented my IFS work in therapy by reading several books on IFS, so I can understand the model better and apply it more effectively in and out of therapy sessions. (The ones I would recommend are No Bad Parts and You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For, both by the creator of IFS, Dick Schwartz, as well as Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher, another IFS practitioner whose work is more explicitly trauma-focused.)

One of the many things I learned from these books is that dealing with so-called “protectors” or “managers” is a big part of the IFS process. These are parts who take on the role of protecting you from feeling the big, deep, scary feelings that can come up when an “exile” (a young part still holding onto old feelings of sadness, shame, rejection and/or aloneness) gets triggered. Protectors and managers might, for example, cause you to fly into a rage when you feel excluded, because anger feels easier and safer than those more vulnerable emotions; they might push you to drink, do drugs, or self-harm in order to block out the exile’s feelings; they might act as an “inner critic,” insulting you and judging you in the hopes that you won’t get hurt as badly if your confidence stays low.

Learning about protectors and managers has been transformative for me; I can recognize now when these types of parts are triggered in other people, which helps me have compassion for what they’re going through and why they might be acting in seemingly odd or irrational ways. But more importantly, I’ve learned a lot more about myself through this lens, like that the parts of me I’ve often hated most – the parts that can be judgmental, mean, and cold – are really just helpless young parts who started acting that way because they didn’t know how else to protect me from feeling sad, worthless and alone.

That being said, I noticed that many of the session transcripts in the IFS books showed a long process of gaining protectors’ trust, convincing them it’s safe to step down from their roles at least temporarily, before the therapist and client would be able to dialogue more directly with an “exile,” the type of young and vulnerable part they’re actually trying to heal. Dick Schwartz emphasizes again and again in his books that if you try to skip straight to a conversation with an exile before first establishing trust with the parts that protect it, havoc could ensue – such as the protectors forcibly taking over, thinking they have no other recourse. (This is why, for example, someone might storm out of therapy after a session or two, saying angrily that it’ll “never work” or it’s a “waste of time” – that’s a protector stepping in and using anger and “logic” as defensive tools to keep the person from feeling the deep, sad feelings of their exile parts.)

What I noticed, in my own IFS work, was that I didn’t have to work as hard as many other people do to keep my protectors mollified. Often I could just dialogue directly with my little exile, maybe after offering some brief reassurance to one or two protectors who came up. I would find myself thrown into the emotional world of a sad ~six-year-old girl, as if she was right there, just under the surface and eager to be engaged with, instead of locked away in some deeply-buried emotional basement chamber. And because I could commune with my exiles relatively quickly upon getting triggered, my healing work – both the in-the-moment process of soothing hard feelings within myself, and the larger-scale project of easing those burdens permanently – seemed to progress more quickly too.

But why were my parts allowing me such close contact with my exiles, without needing to jump through so many hoops and earn so many parts’ trust beforehand? I think it’s because of my experiences with DD/lg.

(I should clarify here that my therapist and I only started seriously diving into IFS work after about a year and a half of working together. Before that, we’d used IFS concepts here and there, but we didn’t really use the IFS process in earnest all that much until I became more interested in it earlier this year. So, I imagine that feeling comfortable with my therapist, and with accessing difficult feelings generally, has also made IFS easier for me than it might otherwise be. And protector parts may, in some sense, have observed the work I was putting into the process and been more willing to “step aside” because of that.)

I think part of why my protectors would “step down” more easily, allowing me more access to my exiles, was that they’d already seen me engage with younger, more vulnerable parts of myself in ways that were healthy, loving and supportive. Through years of doing DD/lg scenes – and just being in a DD/lg dynamic generally – I’d cultivated a strong sense of my “little self,” the version of myself I inhabit when I’m in “little space.” Dick Schwartz talks about a few different key types of intimacy in his books, including “part-to-part” and “part-to-Self” intimacy, and I think my exile has these types of intimacy not only with my partner (who has taken care of her in many different situations, both in and out of scenes) but also with me.

For instance, for years, when I’ve been having a hard time, I’ve sometimes talked to myself as if I was a parent taking care of a little girl, e.g. “Okay, little one, time to clean your room,” or, “We just have to get through this one work assignment and then we can rest, okay, bbgirl?” Over the years I’ve mostly seen this as me “domming myself,” especially at times when I either didn’t have a dom or my dom was physically not present. But in retrospect, I can see that through those interactions, I was cultivating a connection with younger parts of myself – and that in doing so, those parts may have learned to trust me more, and to trust me sooner, than they otherwise would have.

It’s not that I was always a competent adult in my relations with my little self. There were times when I self-harmed, drank too much, went out with people who treated me badly, etc., in an attempt to block out the seemingly unquellable wailing from within (“No one loves me,” “I’m worthless and stupid,” “There is something wrong with me,” and so on). Part of the work I’ve been doing in IFS is making amends with all my parts for the times I was not there for them in the ways they needed me to be. But I do think I had a better-than-average relationship with my exiles upon beginning IFS work, which has made the process feel easier and less scary.

I think one of the reasons I was drawn to DD/lg in the first place, even if I wasn’t consciously aware of it at the time, was that I had this infinitely sad little girl inside me and dreamed that someday, someone would show up and take care of her so well that it would take her pain away. She would no longer have to wonder if she was loveable, or worthy, or good, because someone wise and strong would tell her so. This is what Dick Schwartz calls the search for a “redeemer” – someone who will permanently end your misery and doubt, someone whose adoration finally proves your value in the world, someone who will love you so hard that it undoes all your trauma in one fell swoop.

But the fact is, that person doesn’t exist – even though my spouse is fucking amazing and loves me better and more deeply than I ever could have expected or hoped. No: the best caretaker for my parts, the one who understands them best, the one who loved them first and will love them last, the one who knows what they need and can give it to them day after day after day – that person is, has only ever been, and will only ever be me.

There are times when that feels hard, or impossible; there are times when that makes me angry or sad, because believing in the illusion of an external “redeemer” was easier and in some ways more comforting. But if DD/lg has taught me anything, it’s that patient love and care can be transformative, and can make more room in your life and mind for not only arousal and excitement, but also for comfort, safety, and a sense of wholeness. And just as I took care of myself in the early days of my DD/lg kink by putting a collar on myself and lovingly bossing myself into doing household tasks, so too can I take care of myself now, by being the “redeemer” I need and deserve.

Behind the Seams: Hearts, Weddings, & Bumblebees

Kate Sloan

July 3, 2022

My spouse asked me on a long-distance date, wherein we each go to a restaurant in our respective cities and talk on the phone while we eat. I wore this outfit to Blu Ristorante to sip some fancy cocktails and eat some delicious butternut squash ravioli while my love and I caught up about our days.

I had just recently acquired these black leather Chucks after going back and forth on them for a long time. Despite loving the aesthetic of this particular shoe (and owning a similar, dark purple pair back in high school), I was worried they would give me Bad Gender Feelings, as sometimes happens when I wear something that veers a little too far past the borders of my particular femmeness. But I’ve actually worn them so much. They go with pretty much every casual outfit, and – as this one shows – are even suitable for some dressier looks too.

What I’m wearing:
• Navy figure skater dress – American Apparel
• Black leather Chuck Taylor All-Star high-top sneakers
• Black leather Coach Station bag – vintage on eBay
• Apple Watch with red leather band from Jewlz4less
• Teal leather Tiffany & Co. dog collar – a gift from my love

July 4, 2022

It’s funny how I thought these shoes would feel too far afield from my femmeness, but then they ended up sort of stretching my femmeness to accommodate them, in a way that I’ve really enjoyed.

While I’m wearing this shirt almost as a tunic or dress in this ensemble, it was sold as a regular unisex tank top by American Apparel when I bought it several years ago; I got two of them (this one and a light teal one) and went up a couple sizes so I could wear them as nightgowns around the house. I’ve rarely worn them out but liked how the colorway looked with these shoes.

I love wearing pearls with more androgynous-leaning outfits like this. They lend a tinge of feminine sweetness to the look, balancing it out.

What I’m wearing:
• Slate grey “Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Pride” tank top – American Apparel
• Black leggings – Gap
• Black leather Chuck Taylor All-Star high-top sneakers
• Black leather Coach Station bag – vintage on eBay
• Pearl necklace – gift from my love
• Apple Watch

July 12, 2022

Calvin Klein makes some of my very favorite loungewear; I have practically worn my CK modal nightgowns to shreds at this point. In trying to ascertain whether they made any comfy clothes that were actually meant to be worn outdoors (not that there’s anything wrong with just rocking sleepwear in public), I saw that they had this great modal tank dress. It’s a longer, looser cut than I’d normally feel comfortable wearing, but the fact that it’s black lends it a sort of simple sophistication that I nonetheless enjoy. Incidentally, this dress is now my favorite thing to wear for air travel – over some leggings and under a cashmere cardigan – because it’s so damn comfy.

I wore this outfit to go have drinks at my local pub with an old friend who I used to date. We caught each other up on our lives over a couple pints, and then I sauntered back home in the lingering summer-evening light.

What I’m wearing:
• Calvin Klein compact modal tank dress
• Black leather Chuck Taylors
• Pink leather tote – Coach
• Apple Watch
• Blue and black sunglasses – purchased at the hotel gift shop at Woodhull 2017; I wore them a lot to hide my tears while mourning a breakup that happened shortly thereafter, and this was the last time I wore them before they broke and had to be thrown out

July 23, 2022

Another look for getting drinks nearby with an old friend (a different friend this time). It’s hard to put together an outfit that is both amenable to the heat of summertime in Toronto and relatively presentable-looking, so I gave up and wore a bumblebee romper instead.

Kidding aside, I kinda live in MeUndies rompers during the warmer months, both at home and while out and about. They’re incredibly comfy, breathe relatively well, and come in an ever-changing assortment of eccentric prints – ideal.

What I’m wearing:
• Bumblebee-print modal romper – MeUndies (who also, no doubt, made the underwear I was wearing that day – my steadfast dedication to certain brands is a very stubborn-Taurus trait, huh)
• Black leather Chuck Taylors
• Pink leather tote – Coach
• Pink rhinestoned heart necklace – Tarina Tarantino
• Matching KN95 mask – MaskC

August 24, 2022

I wore this outfit in the evening after Matt and I had gotten back from an afternoon spent at the local nude beach, Hanlan’s Point. (If you’re curious, you can read about my experience there in this newsletter essay or hear about it in this Dildorks bonus episode.) When we got home, we showered off all the sand – SO MUCH SAND – and then rested and hydrated for a bit before getting dressed for dinner.

We went over to El Rey, a fantastic Mexican restaurant/mezcal bar in downtown Toronto, for margaritas, tacos, etc. Their patio was super chill and everything we ate and drank was excellent; would recommend.

What I’m wearing:
• Pink and white striped linen shirt, tied into a bow in the front – Old Navy
• White tank top underneath (unseen) – a gift from the brand #LubeLife
• Blue pencil skirt – bought from ASOS several years ago and subsequently tailored to fit me better
• Black prescription sunglasses – Zenni (I love these and kinda want to wear them all the time)
• Pink leather tote bag – Coach
• Black leather Frye harness boots

September 18, 2022

While visiting New York for a couple weeks, I wore this to go have brunch with my friend Brent on a patio in the Queens neighborhood he’d recently moved to. It turned out that the restaurant had a policy where every entree optionally came with a free drink (mimosa, bellini, etc.), which we had in addition to some fruity frozen cocktails we spotted on the menu… so, needless to say, our brunch got a bit boozier than anticipated, but for me and Brent, that mostly just means we talk about sex more and make more puns.

My spouse bought me these jeans several months ago and, while I love their flattering high-rise cut and they’re probably my favorite jeans I’ve ever owned, I haven’t been able to bring myself to buy another pair for my collection (maybe in a navy), because they cost $128 and I wear jeans so seldom that that seems steep. But I will probably wear these until they’re falling apart.

What I’m wearing:
• Red T-shirt featuring a fun illustration of the Hitachi Magic Wand – Pen & Kink
• Black high-rise vintage-wash jeans – Madewell
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Red rhinestoned heart necklace – Tarina Tarantino
• Red heart-shaped leather bag – Kate Spade (isn’t it the best?!)

September 23, 2022

My lovely spouse had been asked to officiate their sister’s wedding, so we took the train to Philadelphia for the weekend and stayed in a hotel there while joining in the festivities.

Matt’s suit, custom-made for the wedding (which you’ll see below), was burgundy, and we’d decided (as we often do) to coordinate our outfits. I saw this vintage Betsey Johnson dress in my size on eBay and impulsively snapped it up, knowing I probably wanted to wear navy to the wedding instead but imagining that this red dress could be my backup. I ended up wearing it to the wedding rehearsal and then the rehearsal dinner, which is where we were headed when these photos were taken.

It was a lovely, crisp day, the rehearsal went beautifully, and the food and drinks at the rehearsal dinner were as delightful as the company. When my fibro fatigue caught up with me, I said my goodnights and slipped away to take a hot bath in our hotel room by myself – at which point I read the last few chapters of Carrie Soto is Back and wept so hard at the book’s beauty that I think I freaked out my spouse for a sec when they arrived and saw my teary face!

What I’m wearing:
• Red brocade dress – vintage Betsey Johnson, bought on eBay
• Cropped red cardigan – Urban CoCo
• Opaque navy tights
• Red leather heart-shaped bag – Kate Spade
• Black heels – some random company on Amazon; bought as part of my Bettie Page costume for Halloween a year or two ago

September 24, 2022

Here’s what I wore for the actual wedding, which was wonderful, emotional and sweet. After having a transcendent brunch, just the two of us, at The Love, we got all dolled up in our hotel room and then caught a shuttle to the venue, where photographs were taken for a while before the event itself started.

Matt let me help them choose some of the accoutrements they wore with this stunning suit; my main contributions were finding the pocket square they went with (it’s barely visible here but had a vivid red-and-blue abstract floral pattern) and picking a shade of lipstick that matched their suit almost exactly. It was “Velvet Jazz” by Lisa Eldridge, and we each bought a tube and both wore it to the wedding. Cute.

What I’m wearing:
• Navy sequinned dress – Le Chateau (I had wondered if it was a tad bit too sexy or flashy for a wedding but I think it ended up being fine)
• Cropped red cardigan – Urban CoCo
• Opaque navy tights
• Red leather heart-shaped bag – Kate Spade
• Black leather heels – Amazon
• Red rose hair accessory – Amazon
• Red rhinestoned heart necklace – Tarina Tarantino
• False lashes – Sugarpill

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 9 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 36/52: “Red Lipstick”

Lyrics:

Red lips sink ships, and turn a lot of heads
They stare, but who cares? I like wearing reds
Trends say red may scare the average guy
So I pull out the bullet, and proudly reapply

Chorus:
Give me scarlet, russet, crimson, vermilion
Cherry, berry, carnelian, persimmon
Paint it on me, lay it on thick
Paint it on me, my red lipstick

Boys say they won’t kiss my ruby mouth
They don’t really get what it’s about
Boys say they don’t want to make a mess
But if they want me, they’d want me nonetheless

(repeat chorus)

I’ve got so many shades
For all different days
Some are matte, some are glossy
Some are soft, some are bossy
I’ve got pride, I’ve got power
I am bright like a flower
And if you don’t wanna kiss
Then I guess I’m done with this

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I wrote 90% of this song back in May, but set it aside (permanently, I thought) for two reasons. One was that I thought the chorus was too cloying, annoying, and repetitive. The other was that I’d set out to write a song about my love for red lipstick in general, and instead found myself writing about men’s reactions to red lipstick, which felt counter to what I was trying to do with the song.

However, over the months to come, this song kept coming back to haunt me, more than any other musical fragment I’d left behind. I realized that the traits I’d identified as “annoying” or “repetitive” in the chorus actually made it a bit of an earworm. I’ve never been very good at consistently writing “catchy” songs, and I think a huge part of that is how averse I am to being too repetitive (I think this comes from my parents lightly criticizing me for playing super-repetitive Regina Spektor songs on the piano all the time when I was a teen, lol). It was interesting that the very trait that’d worried me about the song was actually part of what made it great.

As for focusing too much on men’s reactions, I realized I could just lean into that aspect of the song and make it into a song that’s explicitly about men’s reactions to red lipstick, and my own reactions to those reactions. There’s no reason I need to write a magnum opus incorporating all my thoughts and feelings on red lipstick; I’ve referenced it in songs before and no doubt will again. Once I accepted that, I had no problem finishing the bridge and therefore finishing the song. Everything but the bridge is more-or-less unchanged from how I originally wrote it back in May.

Song 37/52: “Notice Me”

Lyrics:

I’ve got a poster of your face in my locker
And a collage of all your interviews
Everyone knows that you’re my favorite rocker
They’re always joking that I’m stalking you

I cut your girlfriend’s face out of a photo
And then I glued myself in perfectly
We’ve never met, and so I know that you don’t know
You’re gonna spend your fuckin’ life with me

I don’t mind waiting
I’ll follow you across state lines
To catch the show in Toledo
And see if I can finally make you mine

Chorus:
Notice me from the stage
Notice my lips, my hips, but not my age
And when the curtain falls and the show is through
Notice me, the way I notice you

Sure, there are boys who I could date with less trouble
They’re always laughing in the gym; they clog the halls
But they’re disasters made of swagger and stubble
They’ve got no class, they’ve got no charm at all

I don’t mind waiting
Until I’m 18, if I must
I’ll catch the show in Chicago
And on the Megabus, I’ll think of us

(repeat chorus)

The night gets dark
I watch the stars
No need to wonder where you are
Tonight it’s Milwaukee
Then off toward the Rockies
I’ll follow you far, I’ll follow you far

The night gets dark
I watch the stars
No need to wonder where you are
Tonight, Minnesota
And then South Dakota
I’ll follow you far, I’ll follow you far, so far

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

One day I walked down to the beach hoping to write some new lyrics, and on my way there, I thought about how much I like songs that start with a vocal line before any instrumentation comes in (the Beatles’ “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl” is an example), and how I hadn’t written a song like that in a while, so maybe I wanted to do that.

Once I found a seat at the beach, I pulled up a random word generator to get 3 words to inspire a song. The words this time were “substitute,” “object,” and “connection,” which made me think about parasocial relationships and how, when I was a teen (and even later), I’d often develop romantic obsessions with actors and musicians because it was easier and less vulnerable than pursuing someone I knew IRL.

I drafted these lyrics, and didn’t decide until about halfway through that it was going to be a song about a girl stalking her celeb crush. When the line about “the show in Toledo” came to me, it seemed right to mention other locations later on in the song, and her stalking him seemed like the most compelling way to do that.

Researching American geography was the most time-consuming part of this songwriting process; I had to figure out a route that made sense but that also included names of regions or cities that rhymed with each other. But it was a fun challenge, and I figured it out eventually!

Song 38/52: “I Could Not Write a Song This Week”

Lyrics:

I could not write a song this week
I could not rhyme, I could not think
I tried and tried to eke one out
But I was overcome with doubt

I could not write a song this week
I could not sing, I could not speak
But that’s just how it goes sometimes
And so I wrote these goofy lines

Some say that writer’s block doesn’t exist; it’s a hoax
And some say it’s par for the course for all creative folks
Whatever the answer, I know a block when I feel one
I’m writing and writing, and nothing I’m writing feels done

I could not write a song this week
My inspiration’s looking bleak
I barely leave the house, then I
Feel stuck, and then I wonder why

I could not write a song this week
I’m wondering if I’ve hit my peak
Should I cut myself some slack
Or just admit that I’m a hack?

Perfectionists find it depressing to make art that sucks
And sometimes I wish that I gave a bit less of a fuck
‘Cause judging my output is pointless – the point’s to have fun
The songs never have to be good; they just have to get done

I guess I wrote a song this week

 

Songwriting diary:

I was verrrrry writer’s-blocked this week, in part because I had less time than usual to finish my song because I was leaving on a trip to New York on Friday and wanted to finish it before that. I worked on 2-3 other song ideas but none of them were really coming together.

While scrolling back through my folder of song ideas, I stumbled across the first stanza of these lyrics, which I had written several months previous. I’d tucked this idea away, thinking it would be a good failsafe someday if I was ever feeling uninspired – which was exactly what ended up happening. I built from that initial starting point and it was much easier than trying to come up with something wholly new.

It was actually really cathartic to write this song and I feel good about how it came out. It was a useful reminder that sometimes songwriting is more craft than art, in the sense that having a structured songwriting process can help you crank one out even if you feel you have nothing new to say.

Song 39/52: “Existentialist”

Lyrics:

Do you feel the dread
Seeping through the cracks?
Do you read the news?
Do you know the facts?

They say the world is ending soon
Do you know what you will do
When the smoke fills the sky
And we have to wonder why?

Chorus:
What’s the point? What is this?
Quick, we need an existentialist
Where’s the joy? Where’s the bliss?
Please, we need an existentialist
To get us through this

I read a lot in school
On nihilistic angst
When other kids were cursing fate
I was giving thanks

But I still don’t know just what to do
When the world is ending soon
Do we hide and count the days?
Or do we stride into the blaze?

(repeat chorus)

Jean-Paul Sartre, Kierkegaard
Back then, you were avant-garde
Dostoevsky, Friedrich Nietzsche
Now we’d really love to meet ya
Heidegger and de Beauvoir
How I wonder where you are
Lewis Gordon, Al Camus
There’s so much we can learn from you

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I was feeling uninspired so I returned to my old friend, the random word generator. One of the supplied words was “philosophy,” a subject I studied pretty extensively in high school and university, so I started wracking my brain for philosophical ideas I wanted to explore in a song. Existentialism has always been my favorite area of philosophy, and I’ve found the existentialist paradigm particularly useful and comforting as our world has descended further and further into fascism, chaos and the climate crisis over the past several years.

I started improvising vocals over chords and sang the lines, “It’s at times such as this/ that I think of the existentialists/ and how they taught us to/ see the power in everything we do.” Eventually I figured out a chord progression that felt suitable and built that initial lyrical idea into something more finessed.

The song was originally much more slow and sad-sounding, but once I’d written it, I felt it made more sense to speed it up and give it more of an unnerved, almost angry feeling. From start to finish, the whole song took about half an hour to write.

Song 40/52: “Tinder”

Lyrics:

Why is every girl on Tinder beautiful?
How do they do eyeliner so flawlessly?
How come all their open hearts are bruised and full?
Profiles packed with doubting and apologies

Chorus:
The world’s not fair
You can see it in this app – it’s all right there
All the pain and all the people who don’t care
If they make you smile or make you come or cry
All I do is swipe and wonder why

Why is every guy on Tinder at the gym?
Or fishing up a trout down at the dock?
Guess I’d rather that than to see more of him
Please don’t send me pictures of your… oh, fuck

(repeat chorus)

Don’t say “hey u up?”
Never just say “sup”
It’s impersonal, so why don’t
You just read my fucking bio?
Don’t destroy the mood before we’ve built it up

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I had written the first and second verses of these lyrics several months ago, and found them while I was desperately trawling my music notes folder for something I could salvage into a song. I started singing those lyrics on top of a basic chord progression and then, as sometimes happens, started hearing the next section (the chorus) in my head, as if I was listening to a song rather than writing one. Then I had to write lyrics to fit into the melody and rhythm I was hearing. The bridge was written in the same way.

One of the songwriting books I read this year said that if something was invented within the past ten years, you shouldn’t mention it in a song, because there’s a strong chance it’ll make the song sound dated after not too long. Tinder has been around for just over ten years so I think I’m good 😅 To be honest, I’ve barely used it since I started dating my now-spouse in late 2017, but whenever I check back in on what’s going on over there, I notice similar patterns to how things were when I was a much more frequent Tinder user.

The hardest part of writing this song was figuring out what to say after “Please don’t send me pictures of your…” Some other options I considered were “pet rock,” “Starbucks,” “mohawk,” “dirty sock,” and “Glock.”