Review: Lovegasm Multispeed Tongue Vibrator

Kate Sloan

I keep reviewing different cunnilingus simulators – can’t stop, won’t stop, baby! – because I’m always looking for that holy grail: an oral-inspired toy that actually feels like oral.

It’s hard to find, partly because the textures of a tongue and lips are difficult to replicate, partly because mouths are self-lubricating and toys are not, and partly because the motions involved in good head are deceptively complex, compared to what a toy can do. Licking, sucking, adapting to fluctuating levels of arousal and sensitivity – many toys can do one of these things effectively, but I’ve yet to come across (or come on) a toy that really nails the varied sensations of good cunnilingus.

But the Lovegasm Multispeed Tongue Vibrator looked like it might be a viable contender, so I was excited to test it out. Let’s discuss.

 

Pictured with thighs & tattoo, for scale

What is the Lovegasm Multispeed Tongue Vibrator and what does it do?

Sent to me by the folks at Lovegasm, the Multispeed Tongue Vibrator is large – just over 12 inches from end to end. The reason the toy needs to be so big is that its makers have crammed several different functions into one toy, to make what is essentially a genital-safe Swiss army knife. (It’s, um, not sharp, though. And doesn’t have a bottle opener on it, as far as I know. Maybe this was an unwise metaphor to choose…)

At one end of the toy is a “mouth,” consisting of a silicone tongue that moves up and down, inside of what is colloquially known as a “pussy pump,” i.e. a plastic cone that generates suction on the clit and labia. The tongue has a pre-warming function as well, to lend it more realism. In theory this reproduces the sensations that a tongue and lips working in tandem can provide.

On the other side of the toy is essentially a rabbit vibe: a dual-stimulation toy with a penetrative part and an external clitoral part, both of which vibrate. It feels incorrect to call this toy a two-for-one, because really it’s more like a four-for-one!

 

dat tongue tho

Things I like about this toy

  • I think it’s a really cool idea, considering that a lot of people like to receive oral sex as “foreplay” for penetrative sex, and this toy can provide both. In my testing sessions I was always glad to have a penetrative object at the ready, on the other side of the toy, once I got worked up enough from the “mouth” to want something inside me.
  • The combo of suction and tongue-flicking felt really good, once I had lubed the entire area and found an optimal position for the toy. The suction is rhythmic, rather than being steady, which creates an effect that feels more like an actual human sucking on my clit, while the tongue gently flicks against the tip or underside of my clit (depending on how it’s positioned). There was one testing session when I had planned to test several other toys after this one and actually started to bargain with myself about why I didn’t need to test any other toys and could instead get off from this one, because it felt that good 😂
  • As with many well-designed suction toys, this one is quite effective at encouraging bloodflow to my clit/vulva, prompting physical arousal which can easily translate into mental arousal too. I could see this being a good “foreplay” toy to generate arousal toward the start of a masturbation/sex session.
  • A lot of clit-focused toys end up feeling too intense for me because they target the head of my clit, rather than where I prefer to be stimulated (the clitoral hood area, for a more indirect sensation), but I had success moving this one around to find a position that worked for me. This was also great because I was able to move it further toward the tip of my clit as I got more turned on (but had to momentarily disengage the suction function in order to do this, because otherwise it would have been suctioned onto me and thus hard to move).
  • The internal part of the rabbit-vibe end of the toy is long enough to hit my A-spot and has a nice curve that lets it arc right up into that spot. It feels pleasurable when thrusted against that spot.
  • While the buttons’ placement and lack of labeling are confusing (more on that below), each button lights up with a different color when its function is enabled, which makes it easier to (eventually) tell them apart and remember which button does what.
  • The pump part of the toy can be removed for easier cleaning between uses.
  • The toy comes with another pump cylinder that you can swap in; it has a flat rim, as opposed to the vaguely vulva-shaped rim of the original cylinder, and is meant to be used on breasts/nipples, which is cool. This toy’s commitment to having multiple different uses is unparalleled.

 

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • Ultimately I just didn’t find any part of this toy stimulating enough to get me off (though the mouth felt, at times, like it could get me off, on a highly sensitive day). The pump’s suction didn’t have a consistent enough rhythm, the tongue didn’t deliver strong enough stimulation, and the vibrations in the rabbit-vibe part of the toy are so hilariously weak, buzzy, and buried that they’re almost imperceptible on lower settings and just kinda “meh” on higher settings.
  • The buttons are not marked/labeled in any way. With some vibes this would be acceptable, but this one has several different functions and four different buttons, none of which are placed in a particularly intuitive way. I had to keep referring to the instruction manual to figure out which was which (so don’t toss your manual!) and ended up hitting the wrong buttons several times anyway.
  • When I’m using the “mouth” side of the toy, the buttons are facing away from me, unless I flip it around and hold it in a way that feels awkward and un-ergonomic. Since (as discussed above) the buttons are hard to tell apart even when I’m looking at them, this makes it almost impossible to change settings during use – something I do a lot of, since “close-to-orgasm” me has very different preferences and needs, stimulation-wise, than “barely-aroused” me.
  • The amount of suction produced by the higher settings of the sucking function is sometimes kinda scary. I don’t have the medical background to know whether it’s actually dangerous, but it’s a lot, and there’s no quick-release mechanism. Suction toys should always have a non-electronic quick-release button in case of malfunctions or emergencies, etc.
  • I prefer clit-focused suction rather than full-vulva suction. That’s just a personal preference. The pump on this toy is sliiiightly too big for me to position between my outer labia to allow for a more clit-centric sensation.
  • The tongue actually slows down when you press the button that ought to make it speed up. I found this infuriating when I was on the precipice of potentially coming.
  • The clitoral arm on the rabbit-vibe end of the toy is too short for my anatomy. When I get that arm into a pleasurable position on my clit, it throws off the angle of the internal portion so that that’s no longer pleasurable, and vice-versa. This could be solved with a longer and more flexible clitoral arm.
  • The mouth part of the toy is loud and distracting. The suction function sounds like a robotic truck backing up and the tongue function sounds like a shopping cart that needs its wheels oiled. The rabbit vibe portion of the toy is very quiet, though.
  • As with most toys involving suction and/or a tongue-like object, this one requires a lot of lube to feel good – not just on my clit but on my entire vulva. Could be an issue if you’re on a budget and/or just have limited access to lube.
  • The tongue’s heating function takes 3 minutes to work, during which time you can’t use any of the toy’s other functions. This is fine if you have the time and patience to let the toy sit there for 3 minutes while you do other stuff (like perhaps watch porn, read erotica, or touch yourself with your hand), but otherwise kind of annoying. It also barely works; the tongue just gets mildly warm, not even as warm as it would get from a few minutes of being pressed against my genitals.

Final thoughts

I really wanted to like the Lovegasm Multispeed Tongue Vibrator, because I think its concept is interesting and I haven’t seen many toy companies attempt to combine suction with tongue-like flicking in one toy, for a more holistic oral-like experience.

However, in execution, this toy could really use some work. When it comes to sex toy design, usually it’s best to focus on doing one or two things really well – and instead, this toy tried to do 4-5 things well and ultimately all of them are kind of mediocre. Not to mention, the ergonomics and controls of this toy are somewhat inscrutable and highly distracting during use.

Lovegasm carries lots of other vibrators and suction-based vulva toys that are worth checking out, especially if you’re in search of an oral sex simulator, as many of them have tongue-like features and/or combine suction with vibration. But this one just didn’t work for me, although at several points during testing, I felt hopeful that it might.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this toy. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

12 Days of Girly Juice 2022: 9 Best New Sex Toys

Kate Sloan

Yes, it’s that time again: time for me to sift through the dozens of sex toys I’ve been sent to review this year, and pick out my very favorites to highlight here.

I always have to make a lot of tricky decisions when putting this list together, and this year was no exception. But I think the 9 toys I settled on are genuinely great. Every single one of them is the kind of thing I’d recommend to a friend, the kind of thing I’ve kept in my rotation even after finishing my review. They’re that good.

Let’s start at the bottom of the list and work our way up…

 

Image via Unbound

9. Unbound Bit Gag (read my full review)

Available at Amazon.com ($39.00)

I was assigned to review this for MEL Magazine and was excited to try out a new-to-me style of gag. I like ballgags well enough, but jaw pain often sets in after a few minutes of wearing one, so I don’t use them as often as I otherwise might, despite both my partner and I finding them hot.

The Bit gag by Unbound surpassed my expectations. Its main component is a silicone bar that you bite onto, and it’s comfortable on both my jaw and my teeth. I find it easier to breathe while using the Bit than while using traditional ballgags, too. I love the aesthetic of the blue velvet ribbon strap, which can be temporarily removed for easier cleaning. This is just a really thoughtfully-designed product and one that I’m glad to have in my collection.

 

Image via Dame

8. Dame Com

Available at SheVibe ($125.00)

It’s hard to make a wand vibe that’ll impress me. I reach for my Doxy Die Cast if I want a gorgeous wand that looks good in pictures, and my Magic Wand Rechargeable if I want a wand that feels good and gets me off; it’s rare that I use others.

But Dame sent me their Com wand and I love it. It’s got a curvy handle that feels more ergonomic for my achy hands, and has a genuinely wonderful, rumbly motor. My one major complaint about it is that the wand’s body shakes quite a bit when the toy is in use, which can get a bit uncomfortable for my hands – but it can make me come pretty reliably and sometimes pretty fast, so I’m willing to accept this fly in the ointment. Well done, Dame!

 

7. Hole Punch Toys Evolver

Available at Hole Punch Toys (starting at $199.00)

I will never be a gun nut, I’m not into (most) fantasies of peril or threat, and I find guns chilling to be around – and yet, I wanted this gun-shaped dildo from the moment I first saw it, years ago.

Colin, the artisan behind Hole Punch Toys, is a true artist (which, for him, extends beyond the realm of sex toys and into more traditional artistic mediums as well). There was a social media outcry when this toy was launched because people were angry about the mere depiction of a gun, as if depicting something is the same thing as condoning it, revering it. I actually think there’s something quite striking, on an erotic level and an artistic one, about the idea of taking a terrifying object – especially now, in the age of multiple mass shootings per week – and sliding it inside you. Whether that’s a feeling you want is up to you, but I think it’s absurd to decry an artist for making art about a poignant social issue in whatever medium they prefer, and Colin happens to be brilliant at making sex toys.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to finally get my hands on an Evolver this year because my very generous partner bought one for me, and it is truly stunning. It feels weighty and a bit scary in my hand, or when pointed at me – perfect for fear play scenes – and feels pretty good inside me too. And it’s certainly a conversation-starter!

 

Image via Lovense

6. Lovense Ferri

Available at SheVibe ($119.00) and Amazon.com ($119.00)

I’ve been super impressed with every toy I’ve tried from Lovense, particularly with the reliability of their Bluetooth connectivity, which makes them highly valuable to me in my kinky long-distance marriage, whether we’re far apart or spending time physically together.

The Ferri is Lovense’s take on a panty vibe. I was frustrated with my previous panty vibe, the We-Vibe Moxie, because it would often lose connection mid-scene even when my partner was controlling it from right beside me. The Ferri has no such issues that I’ve encountered, and has (as Lovense toys generally do) a fabulously strong and rumbly motor. I still don’t think I could ever have an orgasm in a public-play scene, because I’m just too anxious for that and require too much concentration to get off, but it makes for an intriguing tease and feels better than any other panty vibe I’ve tried.

 

Image via Slubb

5. Slubb (read my full review)

Available directly from Slubb (about $154 USD)

Pretty sure my partner heard about this one before I did, which is rare, since I’m the one who receives all the sex toy press releases in my inbox every day!

Two German brothers created this sex toy for penises, which consists of an actual, literal power tool – an “oscillating multi-tool,” to be exact – attached to a rubber loop that can be adjusted to fit loosely around a penis. The vibrations this toy produces are like none I’ve ever encountered: they are WILDLY strong (not to mention shockingly loud), which makes the Slubb an especially good addition to kinky play involving D/s, forced orgasms, overstimulation, etc.

I’ve even managed to successfully use the Slubb on my partner through their chastity cage a few times, which is super fun. Basically this is the penis-specific version of mega-strong wands like the Doxy Die Cast, and while it’s certainly not the kind of toy I’d use on a daily or even weekly basis, I’m glad we have it in our collection for those times when it’s exactly what we want.

 

Image via Lovability

4. Lovability WaterSlyde (read my full review)

Available at SheVibe ($29.99 USD)

The way that I rank toys in this list is by methodically looking at each item and thinking, “Do I like this better than the toy above it?” and moving it up a slot if so. I shuffle things around like this until I arrive at a list that feels true. I’m explaining this because I was surprised that the WaterSlyde ended up so high on this list, given what a simple invention it is, and yet it definitely deserves this #4 spot for how much pleasure and delight it’s given me.

This is literally just a piece of plastic (albeit a specially-shaped piece of plastic) that you can affix to your bath faucet with a provided ribbon, so as to divert the flow of water onto your clit (or, really, onto any body part you can comfortably position beneath its spout). I found it nostalgic to return to the masturbation method that had given me my very first orgasms back when I was a kid, and was impressed by the thoughtfulness that evidently went into this product’s design. If you love getting off in the tub, you probably need a WaterSlyde.

 

Image via Lovense

3. Lovense Exomoon

Available at SheVibe ($99.00) and Amazon.com ($79.00)

Another Lovense toy! They really are quite good.

This one, the Exomoon, is unusually simple for Lovense: it’s a lipstick vibe, i.e. a bullet vibrator made to look vaguely like a tube of lipstick. This makes it somewhat discreet, and super easy to toss into a bag or suitcase for sexy travels, particularly since it has an actual lipstick-style “cap” which protects the tip of the vibe from dust and debris when it’s on.

I don’t tend to use this one with Lovense’s legendarily good Bluetooth functionality because I prefer to take control of my own handheld clitoral vibes for the most part – but its motor, shape, and design are so good that it’s earned a coveted spot in my top drawer and is often the vibe I bring with me when staying away from home overnight. Kudos, Lovense, on another well-engineered product.

 

Image via SnailVibe

2. SnailVibe (read my full review)

Available at SheVibe ($149.99) and Amazon.com ($149.99)

I love when sex toy companies create genuine innovations, rather than just rehashing the same type of toy over and over again, and the SnailVibe is certainly innovative. It’s a dual-stimulation vibe that uses a unique spiraling motion to ensure that the clitoral arm stays in contact with your clit even as you thrust the toy in and out.

The insertable shaft of the toy is long and straight, so it’s better suited for A-spot aficionados than G-spot devotees. And you will go through a lot of lube when using this toy. But it’s one of my absolute faves of the year because it feels great, looks amusingly weird, and does something I’ve never seen another toy do in all my years as a sex toy critic.

 

Image via Unbound

1. Unbound Clutch

Available at Amazon.com ($98.00)

Another dual-stimulation toy?! This is almost unheard of, because it’s really, really hard to get a dual-stim toy right. There are so many variables: motor, controls, arm placement, arm functions, ergonomics, thrustability, and so on. But the Unbound Clutch is absolutely worthy of my top spot (wink wink).

The internal arm thrusts in and out slightly, similar to the Stronic toys but even more pronounced in its purposeful jiggling. The clitoral arm is flexible, well-shaped for a broad range of clits, and has a thrillingly rumbly motor. The handle is easy to hold onto, even on days when I’m experiencing a lot of hand pain. All of these components come together to create a toy that can get me off easily, consistently, and intensely – and the whole journey toward that orgasm feels wonderful and unique as well. Congrats to Unbound for making such a terrific product!

 

 

Oh yeah, and here’s one more toy – a (dis)honorable mention, if you will:

Lora DiCarlo Baci (read my full review)

Available at Peepshow Toys ($160.00)

I was originally going to choose this as my #1 favorite sex toy of the entire year (!!), but then literally as I was drafting this post, news broke that sex toy company Lora DiCarlo has “quietly ended operations” and has apparently been ghosting their distributors and neglecting to send out customer orders from months ago. Needless to say, this is incredibly unprofessional and not okay!

It’s not as if this is the first time this company has fucked up, either. As Lux Alptraum has reported, the company’s titular founder has repeatedly lied about (or at least misrepresented) the “microrobotic” technology used in their toys, the company’s connections to a prestigious university tech lab, and even her own educational and professional history. Weird stuff.

It’s a pity, because the Baci was probably my most-used toy of any that I received for review purposes this year. Its unique “thrum pad” sets it apart from other pressure-wave toys by providing some extra stimulation to the clitoral shaft and internal clit while the toy’s “mouth” is attending to the tip of the clit. It would have felt odd not to mention it. But I really hope the company fulfills or refunds all remaining orders from customers and distributors; it would be sad (not to mention unfair) if they just disappeared in a puff of proverbial smoke.

There have been scammers in the sex toy industry before and there are lots more to come, I’m sure. All we can really do is enjoy the good toys while they’re around, warn people away from the bad ones, point out companies’ problematic behavior when it happens, and do our best to live lives that are both aligned with our values and as pleasurable as they can be.

 

Anyway… What were your favorite sex toys this year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2022: 10 Perfect Songs

Kate Sloan

I love music, as you know if you read this blog regularly. The soundtrack of my year is almost as important to me as the events of that year; the two can even shape each other at times.

So, in no particular order, here are 10 songs that made me happy this year, or helped me revel in my sadness or rage or horniness. Good music has a way of making even the hardest feelings seem not only manageable but vital to the human experience, something that links us inextricably to other people, reminding us we are never alone even when we feel like we are.

(The best way to read this post is to click “play” on each song while you read about it, so you get a sense of the vibe.)

 

“2Drunk” by Nick Jonas (buy/stream on Apple Music)

“What would mama say?/ She’d say ‘Oh, you never know when to stop/ Like every day’s Friday night’/ I’m too drunk and I’m all in my feelings/ Oh well; now I’m high as the ceiling”

This song is the perfect musical embodiment of that moment when you realize you are, in fact, too drunk but in a way that feels like joyful surrender, like embracing the uncertainty of life, like letting the chips fall where they may.

There were many depressed days in January where this song was the only thing that could get me out of bed, so I played it on loop a lot. Nick Jonas has taken on this role in my life in several previous years too. There is something about his voice – smooth, warm, inviting – and his music – catchy, fun, effortless – that translates directly into dopamine for me. I don’t question it anymore; I just use his music as fuel, and love him for it.

One of the things I love most about this song is that it’s both happy and wistful, the way a drunken evening can feel when you’re drinking to distract yourself from heartbreak. (I even covered it as a slow waltz on the ukulele to emphasize its sadder qualities.) While I’ve quoted some lyrics above that I think are most emblematic of the song, I also want to shout out the poignant second verse, which goes, “Should I send that text? Maybe not/ But I miss that sex, quite a lot/ It’s five o’clock somewhere/ Maybe you’re somewhere/ Thinking ’bout me.” These lyrics are, as the kids are saying, a relatable mood.

 

“Daddy” by Brotherkenzie (buy on Bandcamp)

“Nobody calls me daddy, sadly/ And nobody sends me nudes anymore/ But I saw your ass last night when you hung up/ And I wondered what you did that for”

I screamed when I heard this song for the first time.

I’ve written before about the low-key sexuality that occasionally oozes from the music of Brotherkenzie, the solo project of my long-time guitarist crush Nathan Stocker. Not to psychoanalyze a total stranger, but I’ve often thought his most romantic and/or sexy songs seemed to point out his daddy-esque qualities: wanting to nurture, to take care of, to treasure and spoil his loves. So, when I first heard the opening lyrics of this song (quoted above), I screeched: my suspicions had been confirmed, and it felt good to know that my “daddy-dar” is still on point even though I haven’t had to sleuth out a new daddy for several years at this point.

As with all Brotherkenzie songs, there are some parts of this song that I find lyrically inscrutable, but at its core I think it’s a song about feeling romantically bored in singledom, wondering what’s next, and hoping for exciting adventures to arise and distract you from yourself. Again: a relatable fucking mood. And I still love Nathan’s voice, guitar playing, and songwriting in a way that feels visceral and inherent.

 

“Someone to Watch Over Me” by Sarah Vaughan (buy/stream on Apple Music)

“There’s a somebody I’m longing to see/ I hope that he turns out to be/ Someone who’ll watch over me/ I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood/ I know I could always be good/ To one who’ll watch over me”

I went through a phase this year where this song was basically all I wanted to listen to for a few weeks. It’s an especially gorgeous rendition of a favorite jazz standard of mine. Sarah Vaughan’s vocal control, power, and range were such that she could easily have focused her career on styles of music that many people consider technically “harder” than jazz, like opera or musical theatre – but instead she mostly focused on jazz, which can be every bit as complex and virtuosic as those other genres, and that prowess is on full display here. Her vibrato is masterful and emotive, her phrasing is exquisite, her range is unbelievable, and she brings warmth and wistfulness galore to the song. It’s a stunning recording.

I find it interesting to listen to these old love songs of yore (this one was composed by the Gershwin brothers in 1926, though this particular recording of it is from the late ’50s), because they lean so hard into old-fashioned gender norms that it almost seems kinky to a modern ear. A lot of the lyrics of this song sound to me more like a D/s relationship (in particular, a DD/lg relationship) than anything vanilla or conventional. I like that this style of helpless femininity is something many of us can deliberately opt into now, instead of being forced into that role by an oppressive society.

 

“I Want to Be Your Boyfriend” by Hot Freaks (buy/stream on Apple Music)

“I wanna be your boyfriend/ I wanna go on walks with you/ I wanna have long talks with you/ You can be my girlfriend/ I’ll compliment you frequently/ I wanna treat you decently”

I stumbled across this song by total coincidence. Several years ago, a boy I was dating sent me the Ramones song “I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend” as a sweet way of communicating his intentions toward me. (We didn’t end up dating for very long but are still on good terms.) At some point this year I wanted to hear that song but couldn’t remember what band performs it, so I asked Siri to play “I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend,” and she played me this strange, delightful track instead.

I love how this song buzzes with the energy of a new relationship, the perhaps-foolish optimism you feel at that time (“I’m not gonna make the same mistakes/ I’m not gonna run”), and the self-doubt that can also creep in when your emotions are heightened like that (“All the guys are crowded around/ They’re telling you the same things that I planned to say/ I thought I was unique/ Maybe I’m not that way”). It’s also just got one of the all-time most fun choruses to sing and dance along to, if you ask me.

 

“Rocket Science” by Vaultboy (buy/stream on Apple Music)

“Baby, it isn’t rocket science/ Why are we complicating it?/ We’ve got a chemistry I’m liking/ And I’m feeling good ’bout giving in/ ‘Cause baby, it isn’t rocket science/ Even when it feels like it is/ I know your heart’s beating like mine is/ We don’t gotta hide it/ Baby, it’s not rocket science”

Vaultboy was one of my major musical discoveries this year; I sought out other people who’ve done songwriting challenges, as inspiration while doing my own, and stumbled across his “77-minute songwriting challenge” videos, which are incredible.

I was immediately enthralled by his ability to churn out hooky hits that get stuck in your head for days and punch you right in the heart. “Rocket Science” is one of his best, if you ask me: it’s romantic, fun, and (as with literally every Vaultboy song) criminally catchy.

The gorgeous second verse goes, “You’re telling me secrets nobody else knows/ ‘Cause I wanna know, I wanna know/ Where you might see yourself way down the road/ I wanna know, ’cause I wanna go,” and it feels like falling in love, and wanting more more more of the person you’re falling in love with. But the refrain of the song – “Baby, it’s not rocket science!” – resonates with me because I am so prone to overcomplicating love, psychoanalyzing myself and my partners to try to understand what’s happening, when instead I could (and should) just enjoy what’s happening while it’s happening. “Baby, it isn’t rocket science, even when it feels like it is.”

 

“About Damn Time” by Lizzo (buy/stream on Apple Music)

“I’ve been so down and under pressure/ I’m way too fine to be this stressed, yeah/ I’m not the girl I was or used to be/ Bitch, I might be better”

I love to listen to Lizzo to on days when I feel gloomy and self-critical. So much of her music is about self-love, self-acceptance, and confidence; these things come through not only lyrically but sonically too (not to mention visually in her magnificent music videos). It’s super refreshing, in a world where so much of the capitalistic machine still works daily to make us feel bad about ourselves.

I love how this song points out not just Lizzo’s current confidence and happiness, but also the journey that got her there, and the fact that it’s not always easy or instant. As with so many great songs, I deeply related to this one, especially the idea of rising from the ashes of stress and trauma, transformed into a stronger, brighter and louder version of myself, one who can strap on her “Balenciussys” and strut out into a new adventure.

 

“Cbat” by Hudson Mohawke (buy/stream on Apple Music)

This instrumental track rose to fame this year when a guy on Reddit wrote a thread about how much he likes to fuck to this song, and how much his girlfriend does not like it. Luckily for us, he identified the song in the thread so readers could listen to it – which led to it going viral and being widely mocked and revered – and it’s cringe in a way that makes the girlfriend’s position understandable.

After a lush chordal intro that makes you think the song will actually be pretty, it breaks out into a distinctively grating melody played on a high-pitched electronic instrument of some kind, and sounds a bit like a ghost climaxing, or a creaky door that someone has autotuned.

But I’ve listened to Cbat several times at this point, and weirdly, it has grown on me. Its rhythm does indeed feel appropriately paced for sex, as the original thread-writer argued, and the story behind the song’s sudden viral popularity makes it all the more amusing to listen to. I’m not sure I’ll ever have sex to this song, because I’d probably be laughing too hard to focus if I did, but I’m glad it exists and that I got to hear about it.

 

“Anybody But You” by Malia Civetz (buy/stream on Apple Music)

“I might invite you to my party/ So you can watch me dancing on somebody new/ You probably know who/ Come enjoy the view of me/ Happy with anybody but you”

Being petty after a breakup can feel like kind of a shameful thing, a conversation topic with girlfriends over martinis and fuel for pithy tweets but not something you’d proudly admit to. I love that this song makes post-breakup pettiness into something powerful, a way of reclaiming strength and agency after having it squashed out of you by a shitty partner. Golden-voiced Malia sings about inviting her ex to a party just so they can see how happy she is now, while also acknowledging that she’s not actually happy now, as evidenced by how hard she’s working to create that image.

“Anybody else will do/ Anybody but you/ I would rather spend the night with anybody in this room,” she sings, over a pop beat that makes you want to stand up, dance, and sing along. It’s a perfect post-breakup anthem and I love that it acknowledges the ways recovery from heartbreak can sometimes look like causing more heartbreak – it’s not nice, it’s not ethically good, certainly, but it’s messy and gratifying and real, and I love her for it.

 

“Pink Moon” by Nick Drake (buy/stream on Apple Music)

“Saw it written and I saw it say/ Pink moon is on its way/ None of you stand so tall/ Pink moon is gonna get ye all”

Content note: Discussion of a possible suicide in this one.

So much has been written about this song, and the album of the same name. There’s even an entire book about it, which I read this year. Famously, the album Pink Moon (of which this song is the first track) was the last album ever completed by English singer-songwriter Nick Drake before he died of an antidepressant overdose (accidental or on purpose, we don’t know) at the age of 26. He’d previously recorded a couple of albums which hadn’t sold well at all, on which his intricate fingerpicked guitar parts and ethereal melodies had been backed up by strings, guitars, drums, and various other accompaniments. He evidently wanted to try something different on his third album, and recorded it in its entirety in late-night studio sessions on two consecutive days, just him and his guitar. This title track is the only one on which any other instruments appear at all – Nick added a sweet, spare piano overdub, and that’s all.

While there are hints, in Nick’s earlier records, of romance, optimism, and joy, this last one was recorded after severe depression got its claws into him, and it shows. The album is full of bleak themes like despair, regret, rejection, and isolation – which aligns exactly with what Nick was going through at the time, a gradual-and-then-all-at-once descent into a depression so profound that he could barely speak. Friends and colleagues have suggested that at this time in his life, listening to his songs was likely the only way you could experience Nick’s inner workings: he was monosyllabic or silent most of the time and looked catatonic with bone-heavy depression. But he was still playing guitar like a virtuoso, albeit with fingernails grown long and dirty from depressive neglect.

The song “Pink Moon” alludes mysteriously to the imminent arrival of the pink moon, which no one can run from or escape; his lyrics never make it clear whether the moon symbolizes something we should dread and fear, or something we should rejoice and wait for, vibrating with excitement. Many commentators have argued that the “pink moon” represents Nick’s depression or his ultimate demise. I don’t know the answers to these interpretive questions, and I don’t think anyone ever will, now that Nick’s been gone for nearly fifty years; all I know is that this song is so hauntingly beautiful that it transports you to an alternate reality for a couple short minutes, and that listening to a lot of Nick Drake this year made me feel less alone.

 

“Boys” by Hippo Campus (buy/stream on Apple Music)

“Take off my shirt at your girlfriend’s party/ What’s it to ya?/ Nobody cares about your music/ They see right through ya/ Kissing boys, missing work/ Got hungover from your words/ Same New York, it’s the worst/ All these nights are a blur”

Jake Luppen, the lead singer of my favorite band Hippo Campus, publicly came out as queer late last year, and has spoken about how “Boys” is a song about (among other things) his queer awakening. It captures so well the flavor of excitement you feel when you’re figuring yourself out in real-time at a messy drunken party in your early twenties. To me it sounds like dancing in clubs, my sweaty body so close to some other girl’s glitter-streaked body, and learning to tolerate or satiate the intense tension between our shimmering shapes.

So much of feeling sexy is about feeling comfortable with who you are, and this song feels like the encapsulation of a moment when you get a glimpse of the “you” you want to be. Maybe it’s in a conversation with a stranger who knows nothing about your career or your past (“Nobody cares about your music/ they see right through ya“) and who therefore can serve as a blank canvas onto which you project the version of yourself you hope to become. And you see that projection, stark and inevitable, and want to dive into it the way you’d want to dive into a lake in a Bob Ross painting.

 

What songs did you love most this year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2022: 11 Favorite Articles

Kate Sloan

I wrote upwards of 150 articles this year, on this blog and elsewhere. And while I would love to be able to say that all of them were equally creatively fulfilling, and that I was equally happy with both the process and the product of all of them, that’s just not the case.

But fortunately, my articles aren’t like children – I don’t have to pretend to like them all the same amount. I’m allowed to have my favorites. And I do! Here are my 11 favorite pieces of prose I produced this year…

 

For this blog

  • “Let’s Talk About Jeans Bondage“: In February, a reader paid me to write a blog post about their favorite fetish, one that combined the thrilling constriction of bondage with the iconic aesthetic of jeans. I’ve never done a piece of writing like this before, one where my entire task was to interview someone about their unique fetish, which I had never heard of before, and then explain it in writing as if to a layperson. Really interesting project and I think the post (and accompanying photos) came out well!
  • “Polyamory & Trauma Are a Tricky Combination, But These Resources Can Help“: I always love compressing a bunch of big lessons I’ve learned into a compact, easily digestible form for my readers/listeners. In this post, I wrote about my struggles with polyamory as a result of being a trauma survivor, and listed many of the tools which have helped me in this regard, from books to workshops to therapity modalities. I hope it helps lots of folks!
  • “How to Squirt“: I’m not sure why I never wrote an in-depth squirting guide before this one, but I was glad to finally put down in writing every single piece of advice I have for hopeful squirters and their partners. It contains a squirting FAQ as well as tips, techniques, and toy recommendations that’ll give you a better shot at learning to squirt.

 

For the now-defunct MEL Magazine (RIP)

  • “The most delicious edible lubes, according to a renowned pastry chef“: When my editor at MEL told me she wanted me to interview a Michelin-starred chef about flavored lubes, I immediately wondered if I’d even be able to find such a person who’d be willing to go on the record about such a tawdry subject. I managed to get an interview with the wonderful Eric See, an acclaimed pastry chef, and he was happy to answer my various weird questions about lubes with flavors like “white chocolate raspberry truffle” and “strawberry pomegranate.” The piece was amusing to work on and also functions as a good introduction to flavored lubes in general.
  • “The best sex games, for when you want to play in more ways than one“: My editor allowed me to take a very liberal approach to defining “sex games” for the purposes of this article, so I wrote about sex-related video games, board games, dice games, discussion-based games and more. I also wrote more generally about the benefits of playing games with sexual partners (or potential/hopeful sexual partners), and how to do so in a way that respects the boundaries of everyone involved.
  • “The ins and outs of Christina Aguilera’s humongous Pride dildo“: I was so excited when I received an email from my MEL editor one Monday morning asking me if I could write an article about a sparkly strap-on that Christina Aguilera had worn at a Pride performance over the weekend. Initially I was just going to write about the cultural implications of an out-as-queer female pop star wearing a strap-on in public and theorize on what kind of dildo and harness she might’ve been wearing, but after some sleuthing, I was actually able to briefly interview (via Instagram DM) someone at the small boutique company that bedazzled the dildo. Being a journalist is so fun sometimes!
  • “The Slubb is a power tool you put on your penis“: The Slubb is one of the loudest, heaviest, strongest and strangest sex toys I’ve ever tried. For this article, I wrote about how two German brothers had the idea to make a sex toy out of a power tool – and, of course, I tested it out myself on my partner, who is a very good sport.
  • “Spit or swallow? My journey through the cum cocktail recipes in Semenology“: One of the many reasons I was so thrilled to work for MEL was that they let me pitch my wackiest ideas for sex stories and then usually let me write those stories. For this one, I read Semenology, Paul Photenhauer’s semen-based cocktail recipe book, and interviewed cocktail bartender Greg Hyatt about the recipes contained therein. And then, naturally, I made a whiskey sour containing semen and drank it, for science.

 

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  • “What happens when hot, horny singles do chastity play, on an island, in front of a camera crew?“: A significant portion of my media consumption during the pandemic has focused on cheesy Netflix dating reality shows like Love is Blind, Are You the One? and Too Hot to Handle, the latter of which inspired this essay on chastity, humiliation, demisexuality, and how all three can be blended together into one show.
  • “I just turned 30; here are 30 things I’ve learned about dating“: I thought turning 30 would be scarier than it actually turned out to be. I thought I’d just feel old (and let’s be real, sometimes I do, especially when I scroll through TikTok), but more than that, I just feel wiser, braver, and stronger. In this piece I distilled 30 of my most important dating-related lessons into a pithy list. I wish I could show this piece to a younger version of me, but I think many of these things can only be learned “the hard way.”
  • “5 vintage sexual fantasies for nostalgic moments“: Sometimes I like imagining the secret sex lives of stars from decades gone by, like Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Frank Sinatra and Elvis. This piece contains 5 erotically-charged vignettes set in the 1950s, some of which feature celebrities from that era and some of which focus on regular people (or at least, my movie-sanitized notion of what regular people were like in the ’50s). It was fun to write and even more fun to imagine while writing!

 

What were your favorite things you created this year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2022: 12 Femme Essentials

Kate Sloan

Today marks the start of my annual year-end feature, 12 Days of Girly Juice! In the coming weeks, I’ll be writing about my favorite songs, sex toys, books, articles, selfies, events, and sexual encounters of the year – among other things. It’s how I process the events of my year, and the ways I’ve changed over the course of these twelve months.

As is tradition, the first 12 Days of Girly Juice post is about my femme essentials this year – the twelve fashion and beauty items which brightened my days, inspired me aesthetically, and helped me express my inner self to the outer world. In no particular order, here they are.

 

Elemis Pro-Collagen Cleansing Balm. I bought this on the recommendation of a beauty YouTuber named Spencer, who knows his stuff. It’s a slippery, viscous product that you massage into your skin to dissolve all the day’s makeup so it can then be removed. I usually rub this balm into my skin while it’s dry and then add water, which makes its consistency thinner so it can then be gently wiped off with a washcloth or tissue.

There are a couple reasons I love this product, aside from the simple fact that it works. Firstly, it smells so good that it makes me feel like I’ve been transported to a spa – it’s fragranced with eucalyptus, lavender, rose, and chamomile – but there’s also a fragrance-free version for folks who prefer that. Secondly, as someone living with a chronic illness that routinely saps my energy, I appreciate having a super low-effort way to remove my makeup at the end of the day when I’ve already used up most of my spoons and don’t have enough fortitude left in me to wash my face properly. Lazy skincare is valid!!

 

“Love Shack” heart-shaped bag by Kate Spade. I love Kate Spade bags and they’ve showed up on this list before, but this bag is really special. I wanted a small clutch or crossbody bag I could take with me to Matt’s sister’s wedding in September, and as soon as I saw this, I wanted it bad. Fortunately, it was on sale.

It’s definitely not the roomiest bag – it can fit my wallet, phone, keys, gum, and a couple other small things, but can’t handle my Kindle or any notebook larger than pocket-sized. But it gets so many compliments, and brightens up my outfits so much, that I’m okay with it.

 

Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask. This is basically just a really great lip balm. I’m including it because, in another year of Zoom calls and intermittent isolation and working from home – not to mention chronic illness and fatigue – I didn’t always have the wherewithal to put together a flashy look, but fancy skincare products helped me feel beautiful nonetheless.

I got this one as part of my Sephora birthday gift last year but used it way more this year. The subtle berry scent and shea butter-based formula are luxurious and lovely. I’m a fan.

 

Make Up For Ever Ultra HD Microfinishing Pressed Powder. This stuff is aggravatingly expensive, so I only ever buy the mini size – but it’s a must-have for me when I travel. Normally at home, I use a loose setting powder to set my concealer and take care of any shininess in my T-zone, but loose powder just isn’t practical when you’re doing your face in airport bathrooms or on trains or planes!

While it doesn’t come with an applicator (bummer), there is a little mirror inside the compact, which makes it convenient for applying on-the-go. I usually put it on with a Real Techniques brush that I’ve had for years.

 

GXVE matte lipstick in “Original Recipe.” Annoyingly, I discovered this lipstick via a targeted ad on Instagram. What can I say; the algorithm knows my soul.

Gwen Stefani founded makeup company GXVE (pronounced “give”), and as anyone who’s ever seen a No Doubt video can tell you, she knows her way around a red lip. I bought this lipstick thinking it’d become just another red in my collection, but it was actually my favorite lipstick of the entire year! The formula is matte without being drying, and lasts a long time, fading minimally and evenly through meals. The “Original Recipe” shade is a perfect, old-fashioned-yet-totally-timeless true red. I’m pretty picky about my lipsticks, especially red ones, and this one has exceeded my expectations.

 

MAC lip pencil in “Cherry.” Who knows why, but there were long periods of time this year when nothing made me feel more confident and put-together than a precisely-executed red lip. When I bought this lip liner, my lip application process became ritualistic: I would dab on a bit of lipstick in the center of my lips, carefully outline their edges with this just-sharpened pencil, fill in the rest of my lip with the pencil, and then apply more lipstick over top. This method is finicky and may seem excessive, but I’ve found that it helps my lips retain their hue much better for much longer, even if I’m going out for dinner or sipping coffee at my desk all day.

There are times when I prefer a more casual approach to lipstick, quickly slicking on a tinted lip balm before I dash out the door. But for the times when I want to be almost painfully precise about my lip, like Marilyn Monroe prepping for a magazine photoshoot, I always reach for this liner.

 

MAC matte lipstick in “De Vil in the Details.” This lipstick is from the limited-edition line that MAC did in collaboration with the movie Cruella, starring Emma Stone, and I bought it while I was watching that movie, because the beauty looks in it were so fucking good that I felt inspired in a way that felt immediate and urgent.

While there are smart internet commentators out there who have their issues with Cruella for various valid reasons, one thing I know for sure is that its approach to costumes and makeup was bold, playful and glamorous. This lipstick, one of a handful of shades MAC released as an homage to the film, is an orange-leaning red – not my usual jam (I prefer a cool-toned red), but high-quality and surprisingly wearable. There were many times this year when I had to get on a Zoom call or record a podcast and didn’t feel put-together enough to be seen, and quickly applying this lipstick was often enough to change that.

 

Coola organic sunscreen. I’ve been trying to get better about wearing sunscreen on my face and visible tattoos whenever I go out, since it’s apparently one of the most impactful ways to keep your skin looking great into middle age and beyond. I certainly don’t remember to do it every time, but I do my best. And it helps enormously to have a face sunscreen that is neither greasy nor chalky. This Coola one is easily the best I’ve ever tried.

As a femme, I really can’t deal with sunscreens that make it difficult or impossible for me to apply makeup on top of them. Coola has somehow created one that seems to dry down just as well as a good moisturizer, creating a smooth canvas for whatever I choose to apply next. Incredible.

 

Converse black leather Chuck Taylor All-Stars. I had wanted these for yeeeears before deciding to finally spring for them. I always worried they were too androgynous-looking for my high-femme style, but over the past several years I’ve been leaning into more of a “soft-femme” or “casual-femme” vibe, so they’ve actually been a fantastic fit with my existing wardrobe.

Chuck Taylors are such an iconic shoe, instantly recognizable on anyone who wears them, and I love that Converse created a black leather version. To my eye, it looks a little more polished, grown-up and (yep) kinky than the standard shoe. It’s ideal and goes with pretty much every casual outfit!

 

Zatchels rainbow midi satchel. This little black satchel has a rainbow panel on the front that’s assembled from various brightly-hued pieces of leather. The craftsmanship of it is beautiful, and I love its little magnetic faux-buckle closures.

It’s not very roomy either, barely having enough space in it for my Kindle, wallet, earbuds and phone, but it goes with almost any outfit and works just as well for casual coffee shop jaunts as it does for fancy soirées. I love Zatchels!

 

Custom-color Nike Air Force 1 Low sneakers. Another pair of sneakers?! Who am I becoming?!

Nike lets you customize the colorways of some of their shoes, through a cool customization tool that lets you pick various different shades for the laces, vamp, sole, etc. While obsessing over the “lovecore” aesthetic, which focuses on pink, red, and hearts, I decided I wanted a lovecore-lookin’ pair of casual shoes for running errands, going on walks, and so on, so I customized a pair of these low-tops that is aggressively pink and red. I call them my “high-femme clown shoes”!

They’ve been great for walking around the city, or just for jazzing up otherwise boring outfits.

 

Unique Vintage pink & red heart-print cardigan. Speaking of lovecore… In seeking out cozy items with a romantic aesthetic, I kept coming back to this cardigan. It’s long and oversized, in a cute slouchy way, and has pockets! After staring at it during multiple late-night online window-shopping sessions, I finally bit the bullet and bought it.

Since then, it’s usually lived on the back of my desk chair, ready to be draped around me whenever I get chilly while working. But I’ve also incorporated it into countless cozy outfits. It goes so well with a lot of my wardrobe and always makes me feel adorable. I wish the material was higher-quality – it’s a viscose/polyester/nylon blend – but hey, what can ya do.

 

What fashion and beauty items thrilled you most this year?