Monthly Faves: Hooters, Hearts, & Sparkly Perfume

Kate Sloan

As much as the #PandemicLyfe has been wearing me down lately, there’s still always lots to be grateful for. Here are some of the things I loved most in February…

 

Media

• I’ve loved Kai Cheng Thom’s excellent advice columns on Daily Xtra for ages, and finally got around to reading her book I Hope We Choose Love this month. It’s a mix of prose and poetry, and my main takeaway was her beautiful and bittersweet meditations on conflict within the queer community and the difficult legacy it leaves.

• Patricia Lockwood’s new novel No One Is Talking About This is a must-read for anyone steeped in internet culture, particularly Twitter culture. It made me laugh out loud too many times to count and also made me reflect on whether social media is actually a force for good overall.

• I loved watching the 2018 film Support the Girls this month. It makes some strong statements about patriarchy, racism, and capitalism, through the lens of women trying to make ends meet while working at a Hooters-esque restaurant. (Read Isabel Slone’s essay on Hooters afterward as a counterpoint/idealogical digestif.)

• One of the most joyful events on the internet this month was Abigail Thorn of Philosophy Tube coming out as trans. Her coming-out video – framed to show her evolution from her former, male-presenting self (played by actor Rhys Tees) and her “new” self – basically made me cry throughout its entire duration. I’m so happy for her!

• Derek DelGaudio’s show In & Of Itself (viewable on Hulu) is a weird and wondrous blend of magic, mystery, storytelling, and philosophy of identity. I can’t tell you more about it because it would ruin it. Just watch it if that description sounds at all intriguing, okay?

• I’m late to the party with regards to The Good Place, but this month Matt and I started watching it alongside 30 Rock and, obviously, it’s great! (We switch back and forth between the two – I’ve already seen all of 30 Rock and they’ve already seen all of The Good Place so we’re basically just showing each other shows that we love.) William Jackson Harper as Chidi is particularly wonderful, and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a “himbo” on TV quite like Jason Mendoza.

 

Products

• I’m working on an article about long-distance sex toys, so Lovense sent me some of their wares to test out. Their toys are wildly popular in the cam performer community, and it’s easy to see why: they have some of the fastest and most reliable long-distance Bluetooth connectivity I’ve ever seen in this industry. My favorite so far is the Edge 2, an adjustable prostate stimulator with two separate motors which I used to give my partner a totally hands-free prostate orgasm while they were in chastity this month. I also enjoy the Lush 3, Lovense’s wearable G-spot vibrator, though the lack of a substantial clit arm is a drawback.

• Matt got me some astonishingly gorgeous Agent Provocateur lingerie for Valentine’s Day. The style is called “Cupid” and fits right into my hearts-centric aesthetic. Swoon!

• I accidentally tore a hole in my favorite pair of lounge pants this month, so as a findom task I “made” Matt buy me a pair of Ureshii made-to-measure modal leisure pants to replace them. They are sooo flattering and fit perfectly, of course!

• Poet and former sex journalist Rachel Rabbit White released an updated printing of her poetry book Porn Carnival recently (would recommend), and to accompany it, perfumer Marissa Zappas created a perfume called Paradise Edition. I ordered a sample and love it so much that I’m considering getting the full-size bottle. It’s girly, sexy, floral, and also ozonic – which, in perfume speak, means it contains aldehydes, the ingredient that lends a “carbonated” or “sparkling” feel to classic scents like Chanel no. 5. It’s the kind of scent that makes me feel so good in my body, I’ll even wear it in the bath where no one can smell me but myself. Yummm.

• Still really into false lashes. They provide a burst of glamour that is sorely needed on these monotonous pandemic-winter days. My favorites are by Sugarpill, especially the Halo style (for people who like a lot of drama) and the Saint style (for people who want a more subdued, natural-looking lash).

 

Work & Appearances

• Never thought I’d write an article for Business Insider, but here we are! This month I got to write a list of my favorite couples’ toys for them, in time for Valentine’s.

• This month in my newsletter, I wrote about the importance of good conversations in relationships, exes and aliens, dressing like it’s Valentine’s Day every day, and watching porn during the pandemic.

• On the Dildorks this month, we talked about the duration of sex, group sex, and Valentine’s Day, plus we interviewed the delightful Eva Bloom about compassionate casual sex, libido issues during quarantine, and more.

• My latest pieces for the Andrew Blake blog: “5 myths about the clitoris,” “How to perform a sexy striptease,” “The best sex toy storage solutions,” and “Why is bondage so popular?”

 

Good Causes

• Folks in Texas have had a hell of a time this month, as you probably know. Donate to support relief efforts there; every little bit helps.

• The Genesis Women’s Shelter incurred a lot of damage from the events in Texas and are accepting donations now to help them rebuild.

• Love feminist media criticism? Bitch Media is raising money so they can keep producing their fantastic work.

• The brand-new Nina Arsenault Fund for Trans Arts supports the work of trans creatives. Yay!

Review: Bestvibe Rhinoceros Horn Dildo

Kate Sloan

Bestvibe calls this dildo the Rhinoceros Horn, but I’ve looked at a bunch of pictures of rhinos in writing this review, and I feel I can definitively say: this thing is way closer to a tentacle than a rhino horn. But I know a lot of people are into that. (Is there a fetish subculture centered around horned animals being able to fuck people with their prehensile horns?! Almost certainly.)

This veiny, bumpy, blue and white silicone dildo caught my eye because it’s unlike anything else I’ve tried before. I’ve never been big into “fantasy dildos” the likes of which companies such as Bad Dragon make (in part because Bad Dragon is notoriously awful), but that’s for reasons more psychological than physical; many dildos of this type probably feel great, even if the thought of having sex with some kind of sentient sea creature (or rhinoceros) does nothing for me.

This dildo is a little over 7″ long. Its diameter gets as wide as 2.5″ toward the bottom, but the tip is a much more manageable size, so you can work your way up to its girthiest parts. The top side of the dildo is sparingly decorated with protruding “veins,” while the bottom side boasts three rows of super-stimulating bumps.

The silicone has a good amount of squish to it; I can bend the dildo in half with some effort. While this toy isn’t dual-density, the thickness of the silicone – especially toward the bottom – is such that it feels squishy on the surface and simultaneously firm enough to deliver a solid ramming. However, this silicone formulation also attracts lint and hairs constantly, and requires re-lubrication every so often during use.

While I wanted to like this dildo, it doesn’t quite work for my body. Theoretically it should be long enough to reach my A-spot – the main reason I use dildos these days – but even my seasoned vagina can’t comfortably take the girth toward the bottom of the toy’s shaft, so I have to choose between inserting it deeply enough to hit my spot or keeping it shallow enough to avoid irritating my vaginal opening. Using it on my G-spot is better, but it doesn’t have the firmness that spot craves, so the sensations are lacklustre.

If you’re a texture fiend, you’d probably enjoy this toy – but I find that the combination of extreme texture with extreme girth is just too much sensation for me. Getting pounded with this toy didn’t feel deliciously overwhelming like my partner fucking me with the Eleven or Double Trouble can; it just felt uncomfortable and slightly painful, unless they avoided thrusting the toy deep.

On the plus side, the base of this toy is a decently strong suction cup that also functions as a perfectly fist-sized concave cavity that makes it easy to thrust this toy by punching it, something my partner is very good at. They liked that the Rhinoceros Horn gave them enough leverage to fuck me hard and fast – I just wish my vagina could handle that much texture and girth so I could enjoy it more fully.

At $70, this dildo’s only gonna be a good investment for you if you really love thick dildos that have a lot of texture. I know there are a lot of people who want that kind of thing but don’t have $120+ to shell out on a huge Bad Dragon or Uberrime toy, in which case I think the Bestvibe Rhinoceros Horn could be a good substitute; the craftsmanship isn’t anywhere near as beautiful as those toymakers’, but with sex toys, usually you get what you pay for. As for me, this dildo didn’t quite make me feel… uh… horny.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning that I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this toy. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. Thanks to Bestvibe for supplying me with the toy!

Review: Osuga G-Spa

Kate Sloan

The Osuga G-Spa looks like a seal. But it’s a damn cute seal, one that can stand up on its own, like it’s looking out across the snow-dusted tundra, majestic and proud.

This toy isn’t just unique visually – it’s also pretty unusual mechanically. It’s a G-spot vibrator and pressure-wave clitoral stimulator in one, though unlike some other vibration/pressure-wave double-threats I’ve tried, you’re not meant to use both functions at once. (More on that later.) In fact, the Osuga website suggests you warm yourself up with vibration on your clit and then switch to the suction part once you’re ready. I love a multi-use toy that’s actually versatile and adaptable, rather than requiring you to employ all of its many uses at once!

 

My favorite thing about this toy is its clitoral stimulator portion – but then, I’m a clit girl at heart. The sonic pulses here feel different than some others I’ve tried – less like suction and more like deep, thrumming vibration. Osuga says this toy “stimulates every nerve from the surface to your very core,” and I have to agree – this is the kind of profound, rumbly pleasure that makes my clit pay attention.

It has three steady speeds, after which it loops back to the first one. I really appreciate this as someone who mostly hates patterns and usually skips over them. My favorite way to use the clitoral portion of this toy is hands-free, gripping the “seal’s” body between my thighs and gently undulating my hips to move my clit ever-so-slightly in and out of the “mouth.” The toy’s body has a shape and texture that allows for this, unlike some other pressure-wave toys I’ve tried, and it’s delightful.

 

Less delightful is the G-spot vibration portion. I like the shape – it’s flat with gently rounded edges, sort of like the Lelo Gigi, and very much the kind of thing my G-spot enjoys – but the vibrations themselves are only so-so: just slightly too buzzy for my tastes, and definitely not as satisfyingly rumbly as the clitoral part. I also don’t love that if you wanted to use a clit vibe in conjunction with this G-spot vibe, it’d have to be pretty small because the G-Spa is what my friend Epiphora refers to as a “vulva hog,” space-wise.

The size and shape of this toy make it best suited for solo play, in my view. Rear-entry penetrative sex positions would be fine, but front-to-front positions would be impossible if you were using this toy clitorally; it’s just too big. That said, I know I mentioned earlier that you’re not meant to use both the vibration and suction functions at once, but you actually could, depending on your anatomy and your partner’s anatomy. The suction part, theoretically, could go on one person’s clit while the vibrating part goes inside another person’s vagina or butt. It’d probably be unwieldy, but I appreciate that it’s an option, I guess!

The seal-esque shape of the G-Spa is surprisingly ergonomic for my achy hands. Both sides work decently well as handles, and the buttons are located in a place where I can reach them and discern between them easily but don’t often bump them by mistake. It’s also waterproof, in part because it charges magnetically, so I can take it into the tub any time for one of my beloved bathtime wanks.

 

The packaging of this toy is highly elegant and cute. It even comes with a super-soft, lint-free storage bag. The overall aesthetic is very millennial; it brings to mind words like “softboy” and “tenderqueer” and “twee.” Osuga’s other product won a Red Dot design award, and it’s obvious that they care about beauty as much as they care about pleasure.

In order to enjoy this toy, you’d have to adore both clitoral pressure-wave stimulation and G-spot vibration (but not at the same time). That’s a pretty specific set of needs – but if that description sounds like you, and you enjoy the G-Spa‘s adorable aesthetic, I think it’d be a good investment!

You can buy the Osuga G-Spa on their website. Right now, Osuga is offering my readers 10% off their order with the code GJ10 – just enter it at checkout!

 

This post was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Protocol Diaries: Music to My Ears

Kate Sloan
Posing with my baritone ukulele in 2010

I have a classically millennial problem, which is that I keep monetizing all my hobbies, thereby draining a lot of the joy out of them. I’m sure many of you can relate.

Professionalizing what was once a creative diversion isn’t inherently a bad thing – I love writing and am happy almost every day that I get to make a living doing something I enjoy and am good at. I just think it’s a mistake to turn all your hobbies into income sources (keeping in mind that being able to avoid this is, of course, a function of financial privilege and is not an option for everyone). It’s much, much easier to get burned out on your work when you have very few non-work avenues for creativity, playfulness, exploration, and growth.

One way I’ve tried to combat this problem in my life is to create a protocol with my partner that “forces” me to make music more consistently. See, when I was younger, music was my life. I sang in choirs from a young age, studied violin and ukulele in school, took piano lessons, guitar lessons, voice lessons, auditioned for musicals, performed in revues, played shows at coffee shops, busked in parks, opened for local musicians, laid down tracks in recording studios, tickled the ivories at theatre festivals. There was a period of time when I very seriously planned to play music for a living. (You can watch me playing songs dating back to ~2005 on my YouTube channel if you want.)

Playing at the CanStage Youth Arts Jam in 2009

Writing my own songs and performing them, in particular, nourished my soul. In high school I would write as many as 8 new songs a month, many of which were actually pretty good. (Here’s a collection of some of my favorites if you want to take a listen.) There was something deeply satisfying about crystallizing a particular emotion or experience into a sonically appealing piece of art, and then being able to play it for people. Even on my saddest nights, after breakups or rejections or awkward parties, I could cobble together a song from my tears and wounds and failures, and it would make me feel better without fail.

However, then I went on hormonal birth control, and what followed was a period of three and a half years when I was wracked with mental health symptoms worse than any I’d previously experienced – plus, notably, a total loss of my creative drive. I wrote zero songs for years, and it hurt. I’d sit at the piano, or hold my ukulele protectively against my chest, willing new music to occur to me magically and near-effortlessly the way it once had – but my songwriting impulse was totally gone.

Upon going off the NuvaRing, I hesitantly wrote my first song in years – called “Anxiety,” since that was my main emotion at the time – and more songs started to come after that. But the writing process was slow, stilted, forced. I rarely seemed able to recapture the frenetic energy that had propelled me to write literally dozens of songs a year, way back when.

Anyway, back to the present, and the protocol. I told my spouse a while ago that I really missed playing and singing – that I felt I’d lost part of myself when I’d lost the music. I’d moved out of my parents’ big old house, with its big old piano, and into a small apartment where my roommate and neighbors could hear every note I played. I was paralyzed by self-doubt, worried that my voice was rusty and so was my musicality in general. So with my permission, Matt made a protocol dictating that every month, I would have to learn (or write) one new song, and make an audio or video recording of myself playing it.

In my room, probably writing emo songs, in 2008

It may seem counterintuitive to try to “force” yourself to do something that is “supposed” to be about joy, freedom, play. But sometimes it works. I still only play music once or twice a month, which pales in comparison to my high school days when I’d play almost every night – but that’s better than nothing.

Over the past several months, at Matt’s behest, I’ve covered a ton of songs I admire and love: “Jeremy’s Wedding” and “Where Are You, Judy?” by Andy Shauf, “Vines” by Hippo Campus, “Alone Again, Naturally” by Gilbert O’Sullivan, “Saw You in a Dream” by the Japanese House, “Brooklyn” by Brotherkenzie, “Harvey” by Her’s, and “Girlfriend” by Daniel Bedingfield. Playing other people’s songs isn’t quite the same creative rush as setting my own words to my own melodies, but it nonetheless feels like a breath of fresh air after so many years of keeping my music at a distance emotionally, like a lover you’re about to break up with. I’m tiptoeing my way back into what used to be my greatest joy, and it may not feel exactly the way it used to, but nothing really does. That’s the nature of aging.

In adulthood, sometimes we have to schedule our recreation, plan our playfulness, put our aimless meandering on a calendar – or it simply won’t happen. This protocol has taught me that prioritizing my own creative expression (OUTSIDE OF WORK, crucially) is imperative for my happiness, and is an extremely basic act of self-care. I may not be able to become that starry-eyed, ukulele-wielding teenager I once was, but when I make music, I can almost touch her again, can almost hear her. And it sounds like she’s telling me to sing louder.

Guest Reviews for Penis-Havers: Fun Factory Manta, Satisfyer Men Vibration, Kink3D X-Lock Cobra

mb

Note from Kate: Here’s some sex toy reviews I asked Matt to write. Enjoy!

One of the benefits of dating (and then marrying) a sex toy reviewer like Kate, is that as her collection grows, so does mine. Sometimes it’s because brands send her toys that are designed for cocks, sometimes I buy them to use with her, and sometimes they’re gifts from my beloved! In this post, I want to highlight 3 toys that I’ve picked up recently that are useful if you’ve got a penis or access to one 😉

The Manta by Fun Factory ($140) is a rechargeable vibrating stroker that’s marketed as “a men’s toy for couples.” Welp, no men to speak of here, but this toy still works plenty well for me and my nonbinary dick.

The Manta has become my go-to vibrator since I purchased it as an upgrade to the Volta, which worked okay but wasn’t shaped quite as well for my particular penis. The Manta fits around the shaft of your dick (3 cm inner diameter), and it works just as well held stationary as it does as a stroker.

It’s a beautiful object and comes in 3 muted colors (I wish the black had been out when I purchased mine). The vibe is cleverly designed with two flexible wings that are ridged for stimulation and to distribute lube as you thrust, though they can take some work to clean.

Some of the most memorable blowjobs of my life have been enhanced by this toy thrumming against the base of my cock while Kate sucked the tip, but you can also use it solo, or to “turn your penis into a vibrator” during penetration. And if you prefer more pinpoint stimulation, you can gently pinch the wing tips around your frenulum for extra intensity.

The handle is looped, so it’s comfy to hold, the motor is powerful and rumbly, the controls are intuitive, the 6 speeds and 6 patterns can always get me off, it’s waterproof, and it’s got a travel lock. You love to see it. This is the perfect toy for someone who’s maybe tried a vibrator designed for clits and liked it, but wants something made with their body (if not gender) in mind.

A very different (but still unnecessarily gendered) take on the penis-vibrator is the Satisfyer Men Vibration ($50), which I won in the Smutathon. Satisfyer claims this enclosed, rechargeable vibrator “feels like a real blowjob,” which it most certainly does not. But that doesn’t mean it’s not pleasurable. The two motors in this toy and the tight black silicone sleeve work together to create powerful suction as the waves of vibration crash over the tip of your penis, occasionally making some hilarious noises in the process.

You can flip between the toy’s 3 speeds and 11 vibration patterns with the “+” and “−” buttons on the body, but as you increase the speed and intensity, you might find yourself wanting to thrust into the sheath as your erection grows. That’ll cause problems if you enjoy deeper stimulation like I do, because this toy only has an insertable length of 7 cm, so you’re limited to vibrating just the first few inches of your penis. Maybe that’s why Satisfyer calls this an “edging tool” rather than an orgasm tool, because that’s definitely what it’s best at.

The inside of the sleeve is wide, so it can easily accommodate a dick whether it’s erect or flaccid, but it also rapidly narrows toward the back to increase the stimulation on the most sensitive spots. With lots of lube, and some experimentation to figure out my preferred patterns, I’ve been able to reliably come with this toy, but the orgasms are never as satisfying as if my whole dick had been stimulated. So I tend to use this vibrator as it was intended: to tease and stimulate the tip of my cock for a while before I’m ready to come in something (or someone) else.

The Satisfyer Men Vibration is a good value if you’re especially into stimulation of the head of your penis, plus it’s waterproof, easy to clean, and carries a 15-year warranty. But if you’re looking for a toy that can quickly and consistently stimulate your entire cock to orgasm, you might not vibe with this one.

Not all the sex toys I own for my penis are about stimulating it; in fact, sometimes they’re about preventing stimulation altogether. Since reviewing the CB-6000 earlier this year, my chastity kink has only gotten bigger, as has my collection of cages. And if you spend even a few hours on chastity twitter, you’ll frequently see the same elegant black cock cage in photos. This cage is the Kink3D X-Lock Cobra ($155–$185), and it was generously sent to me by its maker, who’s an independent creator and active Redditor and Twitter user.

Kink3D cages are individually 3D-printed from hard nylon and nylon composites, so they‘re incredibly strong, light, and smooth. As with all chastity devices, sizing is particularly important, and there’s a detailed sizing guide here. I wear the size S+ cage with a size 2 ring, and it’s the best-fitting and most comfortable cage I own. Because of its open lattice design, it’s easy to wear the X-Lock long-term and maintain hygiene in the shower with just soap and water.

If you’re into tease and denial with your chastity play, the Kink3D cage also makes it easy for your keyholder to see and comment on your locked erections, touch or lick your penis through the cage’s bars, or hold a vibrator against the cage to stimulate you through it, though watch out for potential pinch points which can hurt in a bad way.

I still think the CB-6000 is the best chastity cage for beginners, because tons of sizing options come in a single box. But once you know your sizes and you’re interested in a gorgeous, custom-fit cage you can wear long-term that won’t break the bank, get an X-Lock. It’s been locked on my body for weeks at a time, and I’ve loved every second of it.