Review: Drywell Lolita G-Spot Vibrator

Kate Sloan

I must admit, I was pretty amused when I saw there was a sex toy company called Drywell. “What are these,” I wondered, “vibrators for Ben Shapiro?!”

The company wanted me to review one of their toys and let me take my pick, so I selected a silicone rechargeable G-spot vibrator known as the Lolita. I liked its vaguely shell-like, feminine aesthetic, and figured a penetrative vibe is usually a safe bet when choosing a toy I’m not sure I’ll enjoy, because if one of my erogenous zones doesn’t like it then another one might instead.

Well, I was in for a surprise – because I actually do like this vibe. Like, way more than I was expecting. Well-played, Drywell!

The main thing that sets the Lolita apart from other G-spot vibrators of its ilk is that it’s bendable, like the We-Vibe Nova 2 which I also reviewed recently. While I doubt this will become a standard feature of penetrative toys any time soon, I love that I’m seeing it pop up more and more, because a customizable toy is just… a better toy (other factors notwithstanding). We don’t all want the same kinds of stimulation, and the bendability of this vibrator means I’m just as likely to enjoy it, with my sensitive princess of a G-spot, as someone who likes theirs pressed hard and pounded. The Lolita can have almost no curve at all, or it can be curled up into a fairly tight C-shape, or anywhere in between, as per your preference – incredible. There is some scrunching of the silicone casing that happens when you bend it past about 90°, though, which I’d imagine could cause some wear and tear after prolonged use in that position. Conveniently, bending the vibe also helps it anchor in place better when it’s inserted, so I can even use this toy hands-free when I don’t feel like thrusting it.

Let’s talk about the vibrations. This vibe only has one intensity level, which I was prepared to yell and scream about in my review once I learned about it. But here’s the thing… On top of its one steady speed, the Lolita also has 5 patterns, and they make all the difference. I can’t even pick a favorite, and for once it’s not because I hate all of the patterns equally. “Foreplay Mode” is short, fast pulses of vibration; “Touch Mode” is longer pulses that feel slightly like the rhythmic strokes of a partner’s fingers against my G-spot; “Joyful Mode” is also short, fast pulses but more staccato and thus more impactful and stimulating; “Passionate Mode” is short pulses that vary slightly in intensity over time to create a feeling of peaks and valleys; and finally, there’s “Orgasm Mode,” the least aptly-named pattern of the bunch, which starts low and builds up erratically to a high speed over about 2-3 seconds before going back to low.

Most sex toy designers don’t seem to understand what vibration patterns are for. While I’m sure there are people who enjoy patterns with lots of pauses in between their buzzes, or patterns peppered with randomness to keep users on their toes, for the most part I think what vibration patterns do best is create the illusion of movement. This is especially true for G-spot vibrators, since that internal zone has different types of nerves than, say, a clitoris, and thus (in my experience) can more easily interpret the bzz-bzz-bzz of a vibration pattern as feeling more like the tap-tap-tap of a finger or even a thrusting cock as it slides on by. These Drywell patterns seem designed with that in mind, particularly since they lack significant pauses between any of the buzzes, so there’s constant stimulation of some kind no matter what mode you’re on. These are the type of patterns that make me, a pattern-hater, into a pattern-tolerator or even a pattern-adorer.

These patterns (jeez, how many times am I gonna say that word in this review?!) also drastically improve what would otherwise be the toy’s biggest problem: its motor. The Lolita’s vibrations are strong – an important quality in a toy designed to stimulate a structure buried in the vaginal wall, i.e. the G-spot – but they lean fairly buzzy. In fact, if I’m holding the vibe while using it clitorally, often my hand will start to feel numb and itchy within a matter of seconds. But this hand-numbing effect is mitigated significantly once the toy is inside me, where it’s designed to go – and so is the annoyance of the vibrations on my erogenous zones. Any time my G-spot starts to feel a bit desensitized from all the buzzing, I can just switch to a different pattern and it’ll feel good again. Even when the surface skin of my vagina gets pretty overstimulated, the deeper tissue can still register the tapping, thumping, and pulsing of the patterns – in fact, it almost feels more like fingerfucking or thrusting when I get to this stage, even if the vibe remains stationary. It’s really wonderful and unique.

Image via Drywell

Speaking of thrusting, you can definitely do that with this toy. It’s actually designed really thoughtfully with that usage in mind, so it would seem. Once you’ve adjusted the shaft to your ideal angle – which, by the way, might change as your G-spot gets more turned on – you can grab the handle, which has handy silicone grips on either side for this purpose, and press against the hard plastic panel on the back of it to give you leverage while you thrust. As someone who struggles to move toys in and out on bad pain days (especially toys made of silicone, one of the draggiest materials even with lube), I appreciate these little touches a lot.

That good design also extends to the toy’s control panel. It has two buttons: one turns the toy on, and the other cycles through the patterns. But crucially, the power button also functions as a “back to the previous pattern” button when the toy is in use, which is fucking fantastic. It is annoying as hell to have to scroll through every single pattern to get back to the one you liked, especially in the throes of arousal, so I really appreciate being able to navigate between the settings easily and quickly.

My G-spot has to be very warmed up to enjoy this toy, but once it’s in the mood for intense stimulation, boy, can the Lolita deliver. The combo of vibration patterns + thrusting + the subtle dragging/scraping of the toy’s ridged head against my vaginal wall is kinda divine. One downside of how intense the Lolita is: I can’t pair it with clitoral vibrators that are at all subtle, like the Eroscillator, because their sensations will just get drowned out by the high-octane buzzing and throbbing going on in my vag. Something with a lot of power and a bit of buzz, like the Magic Wand, makes a much better companion for the Lolita.

Lest you think I like everything about this toy, here’s the paragraph my journalism-school professors would call “the fly in the ointment”… First off, the Lolita is loud, though the noise level dies down significantly when it’s in my vag. Secondly, the buttons of mine light up in erratic, seemingly patternless flashes when the toy is on, which doesn’t bug me all that much but could be distracting or even epilepsy-triggering for some folks. Thirdly, the ridges all up and down the toy’s insertable portion are hell to clean, and require some kind of scrub brush. And finally, I have to imagine this toy isn’t terribly high-quality due to the price (a shockingly low $22 USD or $36 CAD), so I wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t last me very long; that said, it does feel much more durable in my hands than a lot of other vibes I’ve tested in this price range.

I wouldn’t recommend this vibe for prostate play, even though it would likely feel awesome on a prostate, because the base is not at all flared so it wouldn’t be safe to insert anally. Drywell doesn’t really make anything anal-safe, although they do have this self-lubricating massage wand (???) that is marked “for male” and that is therefore probably designed to do something to dicks and/or butts. I dunno, your guess is as good as mine.

All in all, I continue to be surprised by how much I like this vibrator. I’m not the biggest fan of G-spot vibration in general, but when I’m craving it occasionally, I’d much rather reach for the Drywell Lolita than the Lelo Mona or even the We-Vibe Rave because of the bendability, stellar patterns, and ease of use. (Sorry, We-Vibe, but I don’t always want to smear lube on my phone screen trying to change my vibe’s settings mid-wank.) It’s also way cheaper than those other toys, which can sell for $100+ each. When I need to stuff my vagina with vibrations to get enough over-the-top G-spot stimulation for a killer blended orgasm, the Lolita’s my gal.

Y’all, I can’t believe a toy made by a company called Drywell made me squirt. What a world we live in.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning that Drywell (whose products you can buy in various places online) paid me to write a fair and honest review of their product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. Yes, I really do actually like this vibe!

What’s Your Sunday Routine?

Kate Sloan

Sundays are the most anxiety-provoking day of the week for many people. For those of us with a standard Monday-to-Friday work week (which is, itself, a privilege in many ways), pre-emptive Monday nerves can sneak into Sunday and turn it from a relaxed respite into pins-and-needles panic. It doesn’t have to be this way!

Recently I read, with fascination, Rachel Syme’s Twitter thread about her favorite way to spend a Sunday. She calls it “Sunday Expert” and it’s a game in which you choose a subject you’re organically intrigued by and decide to make a day of becoming an expert on that thing. This can involve doing research in the form of article-reading and video-watching, or you can take a more feet-on-the-ground approach and physically go to a location that would help you in your research – you might, for example, scope out a house near you where a historical legend used to live, or (in pre- and post-COVID times) even visit a library to satiate your nerdy cravings. To me this seems like such a great way to infuse some fun and frivolity into a day that can otherwise feel so high-pressure and scary.

Rachel Syme also, incidentally, started the #DistanceButMakeItFashion movement, which encourages participants to dress up on Sundays and post pictures on social media to combat lockdown loneliness and pandemic melancholy. There is something about wearing heels and lipstick on a Sunday that helps me feel like I spent my weekend well and am ready for the week to start up again.

I know a lot of advocates of the Getting Things Done (GTD) system like to do their “weekly review” on Sundays. It’s all about processing “loose ends” – like that cheque on your desk you’ve been meaning to deposit, or that note you made early in the week that says “call mom” – as well as reflecting on how you did over the past week and setting goals and intentions for the week to come. This is all very Productivity Nerd™ and I admire it a lot, although I have to admit that my own workflow and energy levels are too chaotic for me to decisively commit to such a system.

My blogger heroine Gala Darling, on the other end of the productivity/relaxation spectrum, has oft advocated for “Sunday Funday,” a weekly ritual of just… not working, all day. For those of you who leave your work at the office when you go home on Friday, this might be a bit confusing, but for freelancers and other self-employed folks (as well as many people whose workplaces just don’t have a good handle on boundaries), it’s all too easy to let your work week carry over into the weekend. This creates a shitty cycle where you don’t get the rest you need and then suddenly it’s Monday morning and you’re just as exhausted as you were last Thursday. Not ideal! I’ve been trying to take this one to heart over the past few months, typically eschewing emails and other less-than-exciting work tasks in favor of rest and recuperation, and it’s lovely.

I asked my Twitter followers about their Sunday routines (thanks, if you contributed!) and the answers varied greatly, though there were some recurring themes: cleaning, planning, laundry, aesthetic top-ups (like re-painting nails or doing an elaborate skincare routine), exercise, and meditation. This all sounds pretty excellent to me!

As for my current routine… Recently my partner and I overhauled our protocol agreements, and one of the things we added was a weekly to-do list for me to complete over the weekend. This list of tasks was always done unofficially before – which is to say, sometimes it didn’t get done at all – but now it’s codified into a digital note which syncs to my partner’s devices so they can keep an eye on my progress. The list is pretty simple: tidy my room, clean out the fridge, take the trash out, do all the dishes, and wash all the dirty sex toys that have piled up over the course of the week. I can do these any time throughout the weekend, but I usually leave ’em til Sunday so I get at least one full day beforehand to do nothing, guilt-free.

What I like about this list is that I can alter the way I complete it in accordance with my energy levels and health status on any given Sunday. On healthy, happy, energetic days, I can knock out the whole list in an hour. When I’m feeling more sluggish or depressed, I might complete one task, rest for a while, do another one, read a chapter of a book, do another one, play video games for a bit, and so on. I do feel motivated to complete the list ASAP, however, because then I get the feeling of accomplishment of having ticked off every item on a list and I don’t need to feel guilty when I take the rest of the day to just chill.

This all sounds very Jordan Peterson of me – “Keep your room tidy and your whole life will feel structured and satisfying!” – but, hey, even a bigoted conservative clock is right twice a day (I guess…). Starting the week with a clean apartment makes me feel so much more able to take on the challenges the week will serve up. It also means I don’t have to juggle multiple energy-draining tasks on work days, when I’m already generally pretty tapped out by the time I close my laptop at 5 p.m. (or 6, or 7, or… 10).

As part of my tidying, I usually come across items I’ll need for the week ahead – like a sex toy I’m on deadline to review, or a page of notes from a client call – and I’ll collect those in an orderly way on my desk so they’ll be accessible when I want ’em. This makes me feel so much more sane and less stressed out all week long.

This is what works for me right now – I’m sure it’ll continue shifting and evolving as I learn more and more about my own patterns and needs. What are your Sunday routines and rituals?

The Best Thing to Do After a Breakup (According to Me)

Kate Sloan

Don’t be alarmed: my partner and I did not break up. I just felt like writing about breakups today!

Several friends of mine have been through breakups recently, and I feel for them. While offering unsolicited advice to a heartbroken person is a grade-A shithead move, occasionally pals will ask me for guidance when going through romantic turmoil (perhaps because I’ve been dumped so many times?!), and my favorite suggestion to offer is this: make a list of all the reasons your ex, and your relationship with them, was not actually ideal for you, and reflect on what that means for you and your future.

You have to pick the right moment for this, and that’ll depend on your personal psychology. Try to do it too soon after the event and you’ll find yourself at a loss for words, weeping into your notebook as you gasp toward the sky, “But they were perfect for me!!” (They were not.) Wait too long to do it, and it won’t be as effective – or you won’t have mental access to the clear memories you need to do this exercise. I think, depending on what kind of breakup it was and how you’re feeling, the best time to do this is after the initial grief-level agony has settled a bit – which could be a few hours, a few days, or maybe a week – but before the pain fully dies down to a numb, muffled throb. If your heart still hurts but not so much that you can’t focus on a book or a TV show, you’re probably in a good spot to do this.

I originally got this suggestion from a friend-of-a-friend named Nora when I was writing an article on breakups for a copywriting internship and polled my Facebook friends for their best breakup advice. This is what she wrote: “Make a list of reasons why they weren’t a good fit. Make a list of things you can now feel free to do or are excited to try. Refer to them when sad.”

I’ve since done this not only to ease the pain of a breakup but also to ease the pain of unrequited love, or just small sexual rejections that stung. It could be considered a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, in that it serves to unmask your erroneous assumptions about the person who broke your heart – namely, that they were perfect and that no one else you date in the future will ever be better. Trust me, no matter how good you think the relationship was, neither of those things are true.

Making this exercise into a ceremonious ritual improves its effects greatly, I find. Here’s the step-by-step process I suggest:

  1. Set aside some time for your ceremony. Give yourself at least an hour of peace and quiet (door locked, calendar cleared, phone off, to-do list set aside) because, even if the exercise itself doesn’t take nearly that long, you’re gonna need time to sit with your feelings, cry, breathe, process, etc.
  2. Pick your medium: do you want to physically write out your list, or type it up? I always prefer to write mine by hand because it takes longer so I have more time to think about what I’m committing to paper. It also feels more cathartic to me than keying some words into a text doc. But hey, you do you. Whatever medium you pick, make it feel fancy and special somehow for yourself – that could mean a beautiful pen and elegant notebook, or a full-screened writing app with your device set to “do not disturb,” or even a creaky old typewriter dusted off for the occasion.
  3. First, list things you don’t like about your ex. You really don’t need to judge or censor yourself while you write these. It is totally okay if you write down stuff you would otherwise consider petty bullshit, like that he can’t seem to scrub a dirty dish to save his life or that she was always late for dates. The point is to get it all out there – and maybe make yourself laugh a little in the process. If you get stuck and need help, text a friend who always seemed to low-key (or high-key) hate your partner while you were dating them… They’ve probably got some stuff stuck in their craw that they’d be happy to share.
  4. Next, list things you didn’t like about the relationship. This is slightly different than your most-loathed qualities of the person, because they themselves could be wonderful but just terribly suited to you. Did your kinks not quite match up? Did you both tend to get snippy when you were stressed out? Did their schedule not allow much time for you? Did you constantly bicker about what kind of takeout to get for dinner? No matter how big or how small, write these things down. Take as long as you need.
  5. Finally, list some things you’re excited to do now that the relationship is over. Maybe you can date and fuck other people now, sure – but you can also do tiny acts of victorious rebellion like eat your ex’s least-favorite food any time you want, wear those shorts she thought were undignified, or blast the death-metal albums he couldn’t stand. This part of the exercise works best if you can make concrete plans to do some of these things in the near future – so maybe text a friend to ask if they’d like to go for absinthe cocktails the likes of which would’ve nauseated your ex on sight, or ask your mom if she’d like to get together next weekend to watch that slapstick comedy your ex thought was dumb. This is about not only looking for the silver linings of your situation but also giving yourself things to look forward to.
  6. If you want to make this all feel more real and final, read your lists aloud in whatever way feels best to you. Sometimes I choke mine out softly between sobs and wails of despair; sometimes I wipe my tears away and perform a zany dramatic reading to myself in the mirror. Put the words out into the world, listen to them, feel them wash over you, feel how true they are.
  7. Don’t forget to give yourself aftercare, because this process is intense. Ideally prep this beforehand so you’ll have self-soothing supplies on hand when you need them. Hydrate (especially if you’ve been crying), eat a snack or a meal, text/call/hang out with someone who loves you, read a beloved book in the bath, put on a cute outfit and makeup, watch a Pixar movie, masturbate wildly… You know yourself best, so you likely know what you’ll need at this juncture.
  8. Perhaps most crucially, refer to your lists as needed in the future, when heartbreak rears its ugly head once more. It’s normal and natural for grief to wrack you in waves, often unexpectedly – and when it does, you’ll be able to combat it by re-reading your lists to remind yourself why the breakup was actually a good thing. You may even want to make a recording of yourself (or your best friend) reading the lists aloud, so you can keep it on your phone and listen to it whenever a stab of anguish hits you right in the chest while you’re out running errands or riding the subway.

That’s it! This process won’t heal your heartbreak immediately or single-handedly, but I’ve found it extremely useful every time I’ve employed it. Like a decidedly sadder version of rose-colored glasses, recent rejection can make you apt to idealize your ex and rationalize away their flaws – so keeping those flaws close to you, explicitly spelled out for easier perusal, can work magic. “This too shall pass” is a cliché for a reason: sooner or later, it always does.

Review: We-Vibe Nova 2

Kate Sloan

God, I love We-Vibe. I really, really do. I love We-Vibe so much that, during BOTH of the stints I worked in sex toy retail, my managers noted, “You really like We-Vibe, huh?”

I mean, of course I do. As a company, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of the toymakers those managers were more hyped about (Crave, Jimmyjane, and Lelo, perhaps because of higher profit margins or more luxurious marketing). Its toys are truly wonderful and genuinely innovative, unlike those of companies whose business model hinges on stealing other people’s ideas. In fact, We-Vibe’s toy designs are so good that they’re often the ones being stolen. In a perplexing example of “patent trolling,” Lelo infamously bought a preexisting vibrator charging patent and then sued We-Vibe for supposedly infringing on the copyright of this technology that Lelo didn’t even invent. We-Vibe speculates this was an act of retaliation for the lawsuit they filed against Lelo when Lelo started making couples’ vibes that copycatted the inventive C-shaped design We-Vibe famously pioneered. Classy move, Lelo. 🙄

Anyway, I don’t just love We-Vibe because they make other toy designers jealous. I love them because their toys are consistently fantastic. In the rare case where they mess up and make something people widely dislike – or even something with widely disliked features or elements – they’re not afraid to go back to the drawing board and crank out a new version.

The vibrator I’m reviewing today is the Nova 2, an update on a toy that was actually pretty broadly adored. The original Nova was a groundbreaking addition to the dual-stimulation (a.k.a. “rabbit”) vibe category, in that you could thrust it in and out without the flexible clitoral arm losing contact with your clit. This meant that you could have the best of both worlds: the dynamic G-spot stimulation you’d typically only get if you were thrusting a dildo inside you, and the consistent clitoral stimulation you’d normally only get from holding a vibrator on your clit. Total game-changer.

The Nova 2 kept all the things the original Nova did well, and added a few small touches that somehow make it an even better vibe. Chief among them is that the toy’s internal arm is now poseable, so you can bend it into a more pronounced curve if you want more intense G-spot stimulation, or straighten it out if you want it to be able to get deeper inside you. The angle of the internal arm will also affect how the external arm feels: more curved = less space between the two arms = more pressure on both your G-spot and your clit. I love a customizable vibe.

Notably, the bendability on the Nova 2 works differently than the two hinges at the heart of this company’s other bendable toy, the We-Vibe Sync. The Sync only bent in those two very specific places, while the Nova 2 can be bent more like a piece of metal wire: in various spots along its length, slowly, gradually, and with much effort. Ultimately I think this makes the Nova 2 more durable than the Sync, the floor model of which had broken in both of the sex shops where I once worked, due to customers’ overzealous manipulation of the hinges. The relative difficulty of bending the shaft also means that it’s far less likely to straighten out over time when it’s inside you, unlike some other bendable toys like the New York Toy Collective Shilo (which I otherwise like).

Also, interestingly, when I unbend the Nova 2 so it’s as straight as it’ll go, it’s often long enough to hit my A-spot (depending on where I’m at in my menstrual cycle and my arousal cycle). This is excellent news and makes the toy even more versatile than it already is, though I will say that I think it’s better suited for G-spot stimulation because of its shape.

It’s hard to tell for sure whether the motor has been updated significantly or not, because different materials can make the same motor feel different. The Nova 2’s silicone is squishier than the comparatively firm Nova 1, and what results is vibration that feels rumblier, less sharp, and more spread out within my internal clitoral network when I use it. I also found in my tests that the Nova 2 feels stronger on its top speed than the original does. If you liked the first Nova but would’ve preferred a bit more rumble and intensity, the Nova 2 will give it to you – the key phrase in that sentence being “a bit.”

The controls have been updated, in a small yet significant way: the button that lets you switch between only clitoral vibration, only internal vibration, or both at once used to be in the centre of the Nova’s control panel, in between its four other buttons that alter the vibration intensity and cycle through patterns. On the Nova 2, that button has been smartly moved to be below the rest of the control panel, meaning you’re less likely to hit it accidentally and ruin your own orgasm by, say, switching off the clitoral vibrations at a crucial juncture. The buttons are also more clearly marked now and are far easier to tell apart in the heat of the moment both by sight and by feel. And because it’s now the minus button that turns the vibe off instead of the middle button, it’s easier and more intuitive to shut it off quickly when you need to – you just hold “–” until the vibrations stop.

The overall aesthetics are worth mentioning too, since the original Nova was a friendly coral-and-white combo and the new one only comes in a sultry purply-pink. I don’t typically have strong feelings about sex toys’ colors, but I know some people do, including for reasons of potential gender dysphoria/euphoria. The Nova 2’s overall look is sleeker, with the shaft and handle streamlined into all one color and the metal charging connectors moved to the underside so you don’t have to look at ’em while the toy is in use. Oddly, the seam running along the top of each arm is more pronounced both visually and tactilely on the Nova 2 than it was on the original, but you likely won’t notice unless you have Princess & the Pea-level sensitive genitals.

Speaking of comfort, though, the clit arm of both of these toys feels a little pokey to me. It’s not exactly pointy, but sometimes it gets a bit uncomfy mid-use and I have to shuffle it around until I find a better spot on my clit (which changes throughout the arousal cycle). This problem is slightly lessened in the Nova 2 because it’s made of squishier silicone, but the shape is unchanged.

So what’s the verdict? Do you need a Nova 2 if you already have a Nova? I would say no, unless your Nova is on its last legs from heavy use, or it’s not quite powerful enough for you, or you wish you could change the angle of the internal arm, or some combination of these factors. If you’re happy with your current Nova, though, I don’t think you need to upgrade.

What about people who’ve never tried the Nova before – do they need a Nova 2? Well, as with any dual-stimulation vibe, it’s important to first consider whether you actually like both internal and external vibration simultaneously (not everyone does!). But if you’re pretty sure you do, I think there’s no better vibe in this category than the We-Vibe Nova 2. Unlike other rabbits, this one doesn’t rely on your vulva matching the exact measurements and specifications the designers had in mind – you can adjust the internal arm, bend and flex the external one, and thrust and readjust throughout a session as needed. It’s a dual-stim vibe for people who hate (most) dual-stim vibes, but don’t want to hate them. I hope other toy designers will take a cue from We-Vibe on this one (without directly ripping them off – *cough* Lelo *cough*), because we all deserve better than a vibe that hurts our innards, refuses to reach our clit, and must be kept perfectly still to remain pleasurable. We deserve a vibrator that works with us, not against us – and that’s the Nova 2.

 

Thanks to We-Vibe for sending me the Nova 2 to review! You can buy it from SheVibe if you’d like one.

Phone Sex Every Day? Sure, Why Not

Kate Sloan

One of the weirdest things about being a sex writer is the cognitive dissonance between the sexual person your readers think you are and the sexual person you actually are.

It’s important to keep in mind, always, as you’re scrolling through your social media feeds and your RSS reader (if you still use one of those antiquated things like I do), that comparing yourself to people you see on the internet is comparing your insides to somebody else’s outsides. You’re never getting the full picture, even if you think you are.

And that’s not as bad a thing as some people would have you believe, either. “Authenticity” and “transparency” are only useful up to a point; y’all don’t need to know about the chin hairs I pluck or the ins and outs of my fibre intake. I mean, maybe some of you want to know that stuff (I know plenty of my readers have unusual fetishes!) but I am by no means obligated to share it all with you. The people who make me the most uncomfortable in this business are the people who insist that my openness and honesty in certain areas mean I’m required to be open and honest in every area. Nope. Fuck that. Fuck that forever.

All this to say: I’m probably not as horny or as sexually adventurous a person as you might imagine. In fact, if not for phone sex, I think these days I’d only jerk off 2-3 times a week, tops, if left to my own (vibrating) devices.

That caveat – “if not for phone sex” – is what I want to talk about today. As you might know, I keep a sex spreadsheet, so I have stats on my IRL sex life for the past several years and my phone-sex sex life for the past year and a half. My partner Matt – who is delightfully chill about the whole “recording detailed data on our intimate encounters” thing – recently pointed out to me, as we were totalling up our sex numbers from the 4 months they spent quarantined with me, that despite having phone sex nearly every night when we’re apart, we didn’t have sex every single night we were physically together. We had sex 84 times in the 121 days they were here – so, about 69% of those nights (nice). I had noticed that too, and had been pondering the possible reasons.

When we discussed it, we came to 2 overall conclusions about why we’re more prolifically horny over the phone than IRL:

  1. Sometimes the “point” of sex (or one of them, anyway) is to establish intimacy and connection. When we’re together IRL (especially when quarantining), we’re already getting a lot of that throughout the day – not to mention throughout the night, when we cuddle and touch and kiss and can smell each other and feel each other’s warmth all night. Sex isn’t less appealing, necessarily, but it doesn’t feel like as urgent a need when part of its “purpose” is getting fulfilled elsewhere.
  2. In-person sex takes more energy. Phone sex is comparatively chill.

That second one is really the crucial one for me, I think. As a person with depression and chronic pain + fatigue, sometimes I just don’t have the energy for sex, despite knowing it would almost certainly improve my mood and my pain status. It’s not only the physical motion involved – which can be reduced or almost entirely eliminated when I’m fucking a capable and enthusiastic top, like Matt – but also the mental energy involved. No matter how comfortable I am with a partner, it still saps some of my energy to constantly wonder if my sex faces look weird, or if my body is actually as attractive as my partner claims it is, or if my roommate can hear the impacts when I’m getting spanked.

It’s a lot like how Zoom video calls can be utterly draining for me (I’m sure many of you can relate) while audio-only calls are comparatively blissful. I just don’t have enough brain-spoons to simultaneously manage not only the conversation we’re having but also how I look while we’re having it. Let’s turn our video off so I can forget, briefly, just how ugly I secretly worry I am.

Phone sex with Matt is so good that I’ve pondered many times whether we can continue having it when we’re eventually living together. And fortunately, they’re the type of inventive, considerate, GGG partner that I honestly feel like we might. I can imagine us residing together in a tiny one-bedroom New York apartment and me saying at the end of a long day, “Hey, I’m super worn out. Can I go to the other room so we can have phone sex?” I’d bring some sex toys with me and slip back seamlessly into that pleasantly agitated headspace I so often inhabited when we had just started dating and our romantic nighttime phone sex sessions were the fuel that propelled me through my difficult, depressed days.

I’ve had a wide range of opinions on long-distance relationships over the course of my life, but I never really thought I would prefer them, or at least prefer elements of them. Maybe it’s a bad sign about my relationship with my body that non-corporeal forms of sex seem to appeal to me more, and rev my sexual engine more consistently, than types involving my actual fucking body – but honestly, the world is a mess right now. “Whatever works.” That’s the phrase I keep saying to friends on the phone and via text when they tell me about some supposedly “weird” coping mechanism or distracting hobby they’ve picked up since the coronavirus swept the world. “Whatever works.” Whatever makes you feel happier and more at ease and more functional is worth at least considering.

I’m so blessed to have a partner who understands and accepts all of my limitations, and not only knows how to work within them but also actively gets excited about finding new ways to work within them. I am so lucky to be in love with someone so good, so kind, so accommodating. And I am so lucky to have access to a type of sex that bridges gaps, raises my self-image, requires very little energy on my part, and makes me feel like a scintillating stunner even when I’m lying in bed with day-old pajamas on and a cavalcade of unsexy pillows cradling my aching body.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.