12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 11 Favorite Blog Posts

Kate Sloan

By the end of this month, I will have written and published 133 blog posts in 2019. I am a fiend; somebody stop me!! (Except don’t; this blog has become my main source of income in recent years.)

To sum up the year – and to give you some reading material to hang onto for when you’re hiding from your family in the bathroom over the holidays (lol) – here are my 11 favorite blog posts I published this year! (Curious about previous years’ favorite posts? Here’s 2018 and 2017!) These are ordered chronologically, rather than preferentially. Let’s dive in!

Early in the year, I wrote “Roleplay and Rapport at the Library Bar,” a post chronicling a roleplay scene I did with my partner where we pretended to be strangers meeting up to do an interview for a magazine story. This is one of my favorite scenes we did all year and I’m glad I had the presence of mind to write about it while it was still fresh! I liked including a few actionable tips at the end of the post for how to do a similar scene if you’re inclined to; I’m hoping to write more “sexy meets helpful” posts like this in 2020!

I always appreciate opportunities to write sponsored posts that are thought-provoking and engaging, and one of my faves of the year was “Sexting, Spanking, Stroking: What ‘Counts’ As Sex?“ The parameters of “sex” are unclear and ever-shifting, especially in this day and age, and it was fun to pontificate on the distinction between “sex” and “not sex” in this meandering post. I especially liked including little vignettes of encounters I’ve had that were ambiguously defined: “Does this count as sex?”

One of my most emotional posts of the year was “Obsessed & Distressed: Reflections on Rabid Love.” It’s about people whose affections could be deemed “obsessive” (like me) and whether or not their partners need to match that level of enthusiasm in order to stay with them happily. I’m still not totally sure where I fall on this – I think I could be happy with someone who loved less vehemently than I do, provided I was still getting that kick of hyper-focus from another relationship in my life – but it was fun to weigh the different sides of the issue nonetheless.

For my 7-year “bloggiversary” in March, I wrote “How I Became a Full-Time Sex Writer,” a timeline of my evolution into the salacious scribe you see before you today. I hope some folks found this helpful who are considering pursuing, or are already pursuing, a career like mine. When walking such an unusual path, it helps to have a road map, even if someone else’s journey isn’t quite the same as your own.

“You’re Someone’s Favorite Flavor“ was a retelling of a metaphor I’ve loved and used for a long time, about ice cream and attractiveness. I heard from a lot of people that this post helped ease some of their own panicked insecurities, which was, for me, the whole point of writing it.

My introversion remained an important part of my identity this year, hence writing a guide about “How to Take Yourself on a Date.” I was inspired by comedian Lane Moore’s dedication to the self-date, as detailed (alongside lots of other stuff) in her brilliant book How to Be Alone, and decided to write about my own experiences with this somewhat quirky practice. If even one person felt more empowered to “treat themselves” after reading my post, then I did my job!

When my partner came out as non-binary in July, I (of course) promptly wrote an R-rated post about it: “How They Fuck Me.” This was a meditation on the trans and non-binary partners I’ve been lucky enough to have, and the ways that their gender discoveries interplayed with our sex lives. This was one of my most popular posts of the year and I’m so glad!

I had a coming-out of my own in August, publishing a post called “So… I’m Demisexual!“ This was an identity I’d been pondering for a while, so it was good to have a chance to articulate it more fully, both for myself and for others. Ace-spectrum identities are still widely misunderstood, and shining more light on them is always worth doing.

One of the most fun posts I worked on all year was “The Joys of Distraction Play (or: I Wrote This While Getting My Clit Sucked).” Was this the first time that writing a blog post was, itself, a kink scene for me? Quite possibly…

My partner recently noted that my journalism education comes through in my blogging, and my post “The Case of the Disappearing Safety Pin Fetish“ was a prime example. I stumbled across this 1954 case study while researching a piece for a client about fetish psychology, and was immediately captivated. It led me to reflect on the ways fetishists are (mis)treated in our culture, and the hope that we might one day all be free to pursue our various kinks in whatever (risk-aware, consensual) ways we want.

Finally, I would be remiss not to include “Announcing… My Book Deal!!!“ in this list. I worked on this post behind-the-scenes for weeks while I awaited the go-ahead from my agent to shout about my forthcoming book from the proverbial rooftops, and I think it came out really cool. It contains not only the pertinent details about the book, but also a timeline of how the entire deal came to be – from the glimmer of an idea, to a signed contract in my hands. I hope it fires you up to pursue your own book deal, if that’s something you want!

What were your favorite blog posts you read this year (either on this site or elsewhere)? Link ’em in the comments!

12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 12 Femme Essentials

Kate Sloan

Hello! Today kicks off 12 Days of Girly Juice, my annual year-end wrap-up series where I highlight everything that captured my attention most all year, from songs to events to sex sessions. The first instalment of the series is always about my 12 favorite fashion and beauty items of the year – so here we go!

Keith Haring limited-edition Coach Rogue bag

This was one of my anniversary presents from my partner Matt last year; I had tweeted about it many months earlier and I guess they made a note of that! The entire collaboration collection between Coach and Keith Haring was very up my alley – lots of pinks and blues, graphical hearts, and sequins – but this piece, in particular, really called to me. “You needed to own it,” Matt told me later.

This bag is made of ultra-supple blue leather, and is roomy enough for the books and journals I like to cart around with me (though tragically, not my laptop). It has a paler blue heart on the outside, made of – get this – leather sequins. The entire thing is so thoughtfully constructed, and it’s one of the most unique pieces I own. I look forward to carrying it for many years to come!

Velvet

This year I examined the possibility that I might have a mild velvet fetish – based on the fact that whenever I went shopping, I was unavoidably drawn to velvet items, and often felt quite sexy wearing them or even just touching them. Later I was invited to submit a story to an erotica anthology on the topic of queer women’s fashion, and what I ended up writing was an XXXplicit XXXploration of velvet fetishism. By the end of that writing process, I was like, “Yup. Probably into velvet.”

Some of my fave velvet items this year were the simplest: a couple of Christmasy A-line dresses in red and green, a pink slip dress with lacy edges, a deep V-neck crop top in rich raspberry. I think my all-time favorite velvet item, though, is a purple blazer I thrifted in high school, which has since been lost to time. One day I’ll find another one!

The Ordinary skincare

I’ve always liked simple skincare products the best. CeraVe and Cetaphil are my jam, with an occasional Lush product thrown in there. So I don’t know why it took me so long to get around to trying stuff from The Ordinary, which is known for its super stripped-down products, but I’m glad I finally did.

With the addition of their glycolic acid toner, squalane, rose hip seed oil, “Buffet” serum, and salicylic acid masque to my routine, my skin looks better than it has in a whiiiile. Yay!

Pink cardigan

At some point this year I misplaced my favorite old hot pink cardigan from H&M, and it immediately became obvious how central this garment was to my personal style. So, with my partner’s adorable encouragement, I replaced it with a basic one from Amazon and it’s remained a cornerstone of my look.

Kate Spade Holiday Lane Page bag

I bought this structured black leather tote to be my new go-to carry-on bag when I travel, because my old one was falling apart, and so far it has served me very well. It’s roomy enough for all the shit I tend to take with me on planes – laptop, journal, Kindle, gum, wallet, headphones, meds, Kleenex, lipstick, passport, an occasional silly neck pillow – and it also looks sleek and professional and Businesslady Chic.

People sometimes ask me for travel tips, since I do a lot more of it now, being in a long-distance relationship – and one of the best I can offer is this: establish travel routines that you find comfortingly familiar. I always take the same route to the airport, always wear some variation of the same outfit, always prepare and pack in the exact same way. Having a reliably good carry-on bag is an important part of that routine for me – it contains everything I need to get me through the anxiety-provoking process that is travel. It’s not just a purse, it’s a lifeline!

Lickability T-shirt

This is a weird thing to include, because it’s not girly or fancy or remarkable, but: my partner gifted me a T-shirt bearing the logo of their company, and I wear it a lot. It feels like the grown-up, millennial equivalent of sporting your partner’s letterman jacket (or, um, leatherenby jacket) – it’s a reminder that I’m loved. It’s also very fucking soft, and goes with everything. Score.

NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer

Y’know, sometimes you gotta shout out the unsung heroes. I’ve been using this concealer all year to cover an unidentified red spot that’s sprung up between my eyebrows (is it psoriasis? Is it sebhorreic dermatitis? It’s one thing for sure: resistant to my medicated creams for both of those conditions, ugh!!). The vanilla shade, which I use, also has a slight yellowish hue which – on my skin tone – works well for concealing purplish under-eye circles. The formula is creamy enough that it doesn’t get crusty and gross-looking like so many other concealers do, and it stays put pretty well, especially under powder. I’ve pretty much stopped wearing foundation, but concealer is a must-have for helping me feel cute, which is (for me) basically the point of wearing makeup.

L’Oreal lipstick in “Devil’s Matte-vocate Red”

This one was a real sleeper hit for me… My mom brought this lipstick back for me on a whim after a New York jaunt, and I wasn’t expecting to love it, but I do! It’s a rich shade of ruby red that just works. It stays on longer and more evenly than lots of more expensive reds I’ve worn, and I feel cute as heck in it.

Sugarpill lipstick in “Girl Crush”

I’ve previously written about the liquid version of this lipstick, but the standard version has been a major fave this year. It’s one of the best cool-toned hot pinks I’ve ever found, along with previous faves, NARS Schiap and Bourjois Pink Pong. Plus the packaging is legendarily cute and the formula is decently long-lasting without being drying. Sugarpill really knows their shit.

High-waisted jeans

I used to think this style was unflattering on pear-shaped people like me. That might be true – I don’t really know – but I’ve reached a point where I don’t give a shit. I have a pair of high-waisted jeans from Madewell and one from the Gap, and I feel super cute, curvy, and babely in them. When I tuck a shirt into them, I feel more put-together than I usually do in jeans, which helps them feel more in line with my polished femme aesthetic (I’ve previously had trouble wearing jeans because they made me feel sloppy and boyish, which is… not my gender). All hail good, flattering denim!

Black and silver dress

I forget when I even bought this slinky dress from H&M, but it’s very much a fave. I’ve worn it to dinners, drinks, shows, and even a wedding. It feels sexy and fancy, but is also incredibly comfortable (an important consideration for someone with chronic pain and depression!). I can throw it on over a black lacy bralette and a pair of tights and I look like I put serious consideration into my outfit. Ideal.

Cute phone cases

It’s 2019, so your phone case is more a part of your outfit than ever before. In an age of mirror selfies, this shit matters! I had a super sparkly rhinestoned one from BlingsSupplyShop earlier in the year, and then got tired of leaving a trail of rhinestones in my wake everywhere I went, so I switched to a “Sick Sad Girl” case from LookHuman (it’s a Daria reference). It gets compliments nonstop and makes me happy, which is all you can really ask for.

 

Those were my fashion and beauty faves this year! What were yours?

Announcing… My Book Deal!!!

Kate Sloan
Signing my book contract at the Library Bar. Photo by my sweetheart Matt.

Yes, friends, I have good news: after many months of preparation and negotiation, I have signed a book deal with Laurence King Publishing! One of my long-time dreams as a writer is finally going to come true. Here’s a brief FAQ:

Q. What’s the book called?

A. The working title at the moment is 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do.

Q. What’s it about?

A. It’s an accessible, consent-focused, safety-forward introduction to kink and BDSM for vanilla people and/or beginners. It covers 101 different kinky activities, from aftercare to wrestling. Each chapter explains the kink in question, theorizes about why people find it hot, and offers concrete suggestions for incorporating it into your sex life, both solo and partnered.

Q. When will it be out?

A. March 2021, so I’m told! Yes, that is a long time from now. Wow. I will have lots more details for you (where to get it, etc.) as the launch date approaches.

Q. How much of it have you written?

A. Currently a little over half. It’s due in January, so I’m making good time!

Q. How did you get the book deal?

A. Read on, my friend – here’s that timeline of events!

December 4th, 2015: I go to a local sex shop to interview one of the owners for a story I’m writing about the sex toy industry. At the end of our exhaustive, hour-long interview, he says, “I think this topic could be a book, and I think you’re the person to write it.” My face immediately morphs into the human embodiment of the thinking emoji 🤔 as I say out loud, “Hmmmm!” I take the streetcar home thinking about whether I’ll ever write a book, whether I even want to, and what it would be about.

February 7th, 2018: I get a PR email from an editor promoting a sex-related book she worked on. Her email signature says she’s also a literary agent. I take a chance and mention casually that I’ve wanted to write a sex book for a while. She replies, “If you ever do write that book, please feel free to reach out to me about it, as I definitely am seeking clients in the sex and sexuality realm.”

March 28th of this year: I get an email through my contact form from a commissioning editor for Laurence King, a publishing house in London, England. “I’ve been thinking we should consider a fresh approach to sex in book form and I wondered if you would be interested in talking about it,” she writes. “Please contact me if that sounds interesting.” I stare at my inbox in awed disbelief.

April 2nd: I “hop on a call” with the editor to toss around some potential book ideas. The two pitches I’ve prepared for her, it turns out, are more conceptual, cerebral, and wordy than is really appropriate – Laurence King publishes beautifully-designed books, often on art or photography or design, loaded with illustrations and diagrams, not usually densely-packed paragraphs of storytelling. So I think on my feet, and pitch this: “101 Unusual Kinks & Fetishes.” I explain that I’ve always been fascinated by the most eccentric sexual interests, from balloon fetishism to sneezing fetishism to knife play, and that I’d love to highlight those for a curious audience. The editor gets audibly excited about this idea and asks me to put together a proposal.

April 7th: I send over my proposal, including sample sections on topics like collars, hypnosis, and masochism.

April 18th: My editor gets back to me and says that after discussing my proposal with her team, she now thinks there would be more of a market for a book on kinks anyone might reasonably get involved in, rather than being focused on hyper-specific fetish subcultures. The working title “101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do” is suggested.

May 4th: After multiple thoughtful and helpful conversations with kink-savvy friends, I submit a reworked version of my proposal, this time including only kinks that the average vanilla-identifying beginner might be curious about actually trying in their own sex life.

May 24th: My editor emails to say that she just pitched my book at an “Ideas Meeting,” and while she was nervous about how people would react to the topic, “it was a resounding success.” She tells me she needs some time to calculate the costs of the book and such, before the company can make me an offer.

June 1st: I email that literary agent from long ago to tell her about my current book situation and to ask if she’ll represent me.

June 7th: The agent calls me and we chat about what agents actually do and how she and her agency can support me through this process.

July 12th: My editor tells me that she recently overheard someone at the company saying the funniest sentence ever devised (according to me, anyway), “Kink is the new houseplant.” This doesn’t make sense unless you know that Laurence King had a very successful book about houseplants. 🤷🏻‍♀️

July 22nd: I sign my agency agreement with the Carol Mann Agency. I officially have an agent, yay!

August 13th: I receive my official offer from Laurence King – a proposed advance and royalty rates, the size of the book and quantity of first print, the word count and deadline. I forward it to my agent and we put together lists of follow-up questions and points to negotiate.

October 17th: Amidst weeks upon weeks of back-and-forth negotiations between my agent and publisher, I’m getting increasingly anxious – I haven’t started writing yet, thinking I can’t or shouldn’t until the contract is signed, but my deadline isn’t budging nonetheless. My agent writes to me, “There’s no reason you can’t start working now. We are nearly there, so if you have the bandwidth, you don’t have to wait until the ink is dry to commence!” I open Scrivener, set up my word count goals and due date, and start. It’s nervewracking but so so good.

November 16th: At long last after months of negotiations, I sign the final contract, over good cocktails and oysters at the Library Bar. We toast to my book and the hard work that got me here.

November 27th: My agent gives me the go-ahead to announce the book, and I publish this blog post!

On a personal note, I want to say thank you to each and every one of my readers. Y’all are the reason I got noticed by a publisher and an agent to begin with, and you’ve also given me the space and feedback that has enabled me to develop my writing voice and niche(s) over the ~7.5 years I’ve been writing this blog. Your encouragement has kept me going at tough times, and I think about you every time I write anything. I really look forward to hearing what you think of the book when it comes out!

6 Porn Games You Can Play Right Now

Kate Sloan
Communally watching fisting porn at Kate Sinclaire’s Airbnb before the Playground Conference in 2015.

Do you ever watch porn like it was a cinematic adventure, rather than a perfunctory wank tool? While I’ve consumed my fair share of porn solo for its intended purpose (ahem), I’ve also enjoyed many a social porn-watching session – giggling and marveling at the best porn sites with close friends and partners. Whether we end up commentating on a particular porn star’s stellar blowjob skills, perfect eyeliner, or sociocultural impact, this practice always leads to great conversations.

With that in mind, I have 6 ideas for you today of “games” you could play while watching porn with a loved one. Provided you know some cool people, these could be really fun!

“What Are You Into?”

This is the most basic of porn games, and also one of the most illuminating. Simply take turns loading up and showing each other porn clips you’ve enjoyed, and discussing what you find hot about each one. This is like the X-rated equivalent of those parties that devolve into people forcing each other to watch YouTube videos – except you’re going to do this version with the enthusiastic consent of all participants, right?!

Learning about the porn tastes of your partners can help inform the fantasies and scenes you might explore with them moving forward – while learning this shit about your friends is just fun. Plus you get to exclaim things like “Can you BELIEVE how big that dick is?!” and “Is he really going to come inside a watermelon?!”

Drinking Game

Okay, you don’t actually have to drink, because not everybody does. So replace “take a shot” in the following description with “swig some water” or “munch a snack” or “do a victory dance” or really whatever you please. In this type of porn game, you take a shot every time “x” happens in the porn you’re watching, and you get to decide as a group what “x” will be.

This works best if you customize the “drinking trigger” to the particular clip or genre you’re watching. For example, take a shot every time a mouthy porn star says “fuck,” every time you hear a choking sound in a blowjob scene, or every time a cheesy music cue overpowers the sounds of the performers. The (porn) world is your oyster!

Humiliation Kink

Dominant types, here’s a suggestion just for you: if your submissive watches porn as part of their masturbation routine, have them keep a list for a while of all the porn clips they watch. Then, whenever you feel like it, sit them down and “make” them show you clips from the list. You can mildly humiliate them by quizzing them about what they find hot in the scene, what made them come, and so on. This is a great way to extract useful information while also making your sub blush a whole lot!

Orgasm Race

This one’s pretty straightforward… Provided everyone in the room consents to this dynamic, get out your sex toys, lube, and whatever else you’ll need, and start jerking off to the porn on screen. Whoever reaches orgasm first wins some kind of prize… like getting to pick the next porn clip you watch!

It could be fun to “stack the deck” in this game by selecting clips you think are unlikely to turn people on – wacky fetishes, awkward dirty talk, or what have you – but remember that someone in the room might very well have the kink you’re ostensibly making fun of! As with any sexual experience you share with others, try to be as conscientious and open-minded as possible. You can delight in the silliness of a porn clip without mocking its content, but that’s a fine line to walk.

Dramatic Reading

Ever checked out the comments below your favorite porn clip? It’s almost guaranteed to be a hoot. After you enjoy a porn video with a partner or pal, scroll down and read some of the comments aloud. There’s usually weirdly a lot of vitriol in there (after all, it is a comment section on the internet), but you’ll likely also see a lot of enthusiasm and genuine joy. Plus a plethora of exclamation marks.

Shadow Cast

You know those Rocky Horror Picture Show screenings where enthusiastic nerds act out the story in front of the screen, casting shadows and making the movie into a much more real and immediate experience for everyone present? You can do that with porn, too!

Any time you see something happening on the screen that you want to do yourself, just grab a (consenting) partner and go do it. This works best at a sexy party full of people who are comfortable with each other; that way, you can switch off as necessary, because someone replicating a cinematic blowjob won’t necessarily want to copycat the anal fisting happening in the following scene. Just make sure to compliment each other’s technique and cheer each other on, so this game becomes less of a cutthroat competition and more of a shared celebration of sexuality!

 

Do you like to play games while watching porn? What are your faves?

 

This post was sponsored by The Porn Dude. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. Please note: A third-party producer for a porn production company associated with ThePornDude, PornDudeCasting, was recently accused of assaulting sex workers, including Aliya Brynn. However, I am assured by ThePornDude et al. that this producer (Sammy Mohamed) has been terminated from his position.

How to Last Longer in Bed

Kate Sloan

Ah yes, the perennial question sex educators get asked every day. It’s almost as ubiquitous as “Is my fetish normal?” and “Does penis size matter?” It’s that men’s-magazine staple, that heteropatriarchal battle cry, that insecurity-driven inquiry: “How can I last longer in bed?”

While I have issues with the premise of the question itself – which will become clear in the post to follow – I understand the reasons for it. People possessing penises are constantly told by our culture that those penises are the centerpiece of sex, and that a dick which fails to “perform” adequately is an unloveable, unwantable dick. This is bullshit, of course, but is understandably highly motivating for people who care about their partners’ pleasure (which we all should).

So here are some of my best tips for delaying ejaculation – keeping in mind that I don’t have a penis and these suggestions are mostly ones I’ve heard from friends and partners who do. It’s worth noting that some of these tips apply specifically to penetrative (vaginal or anal) sex, while some do not. That’s not the only valid type of sex, of course, but it is the type most often associated with the quest to “last longer.”

Practice. Kegel exercises (i.e. squeezing and releasing your pelvic muscles) and edging (i.e. approaching orgasm, backing off, approaching again, repeat ad infinitum) are both oft-recommended remedy regimens for coming too soon, because they help you learn to control some of the components of your ejaculation reflex. Self-control is a skill, and skills can be sharpened!

Masturbate beforehand. Many people report that this helps slow them down the second time around. Hell, I don’t even have a penis and it nonetheless takes me longer to come if I already came within the past few hours. Give it a shot and see how it affects you.

Change the order of events. You know you don’t have to give your partner an orgasm during penetrative sex, right? Make like Ian Kerner (wow, what a nerdy joke) and get your partner off first. Granted, this might not fly if their very favorite way to come is all over your dick, but it’s at least worth considering.

Think about something else. Not necessarily baseball, but… you get the idea. When my friend Brent and I interviewed the rapper Mega Ran on our podcast Question Box, for example, he told us he sometimes recites song lyrics in his head when trying to last longer. You could try focusing on deep breathing, or counting in your head, or recalling your favorite monologue from a Tarantino movie. Whatever works!

Use a delay spray. I recently had a chance to try out Promescent Climax Control Spray with my partner, and we’re agreed that we’re glad it exists. It uses a numbing agent called lidocaine to temporarily desensitize your dick. This has the disadvantage of potentially weakening your orgasm when you do finally have one, but that might be a small price to pay for getting to satisfy your partner in the way that you want to.

Wear a thick condom. Even if you don’t “need” condoms for contraception or STI prevention in your relationship, they’re still worth a shot for their desensitizing effects. Some companies even make condoms containing benzocaine to further numb you out, if that’s what you’re after.

Use hypnosis?? This is an odd one, but hear me out… My partner and I have experimented with planting the hypnotic suggestion that they’re not allowed – or in some cases, not able – to come before I do. Depending on your receptivity to, and experience with, hypnosis, this might be worth trying!

Slow down. Jackhammer sex is overrated – not to mention, in many cases, overstimulating. As long as it doesn’t bother your partner, try slowing down your thrusts and see how that changes your ability to last.

Switch positions. The time it takes to do this will allow your arousal to cool off a bit, plus some positions are anecdotally reported to slow down the onset of orgasm in the penetrating partner – mostly “cowgirl” (receptive partner on top) and the spooning position. Experiment to see which positions have this effect on you.

Change your definition of sex. Sex doesn’t have to end when ejaculation happens – and frankly, in many cases, it would be better if it didn’t! If you come “too soon,” just pull out some treasured toys, put your mouth to use, or get your fingers in the game. This is also a choice moment for not-strictly-sexual-but-still-enjoyable kinky activities like impact play or electrostimulation. Hell, after a few minutes spent on a “side quest,” you might even get hard again for round two.

Talk about it! In the vast majority of cases, the thing you’re so sexually insecure about isn’t actually that big of a deal – or at least, wouldn’t be if you talked it out with your partner(s). Find out whether their expectations of your boner are actually as high as you think they are. If not, take a load off and stop trying to manifest a superpowered dick!

What techniques have worked for you or your partner(s) in this regard?

 

This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at Promescent, who make that rad delay spray I was telling you about!