asexuality

The 6 Best Songs I’ve Written About Sex This Year

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb

Been a minute since I mentioned my SongAWeek challenge here, dear readers, but it’s still going strong… Just yesterday I uploaded my 34th song of the year, in fact!

They’re not all about sex – some of them are about tattoos, fascism, dragonflies, Zionism, and gamer boys – but, well, you know me: sexuality is my favorite subject to write about, regardless of the medium. Today I’m gonna depart from my usual sexual prose, and instead share some sexual lyrics. Here are the six best sex-related songs I’ve written so far in 2025. (All are purchasable and streamable on Bandcamp, which is a great way to support my work so I can continue writing!)

Song title: The Natural Way
Song topic: Menstrual sex
How it came to be: The first voice memo in my songwriting process for this one is titled “countryish period sex concept.mp3” and begins with me muttering, “I don’t know why it’s a country song, but…” before launching into it. I had wanted to write a song about period sex for a long time, partly because I love the great Rachel Lark song on the same subject, but partly just ’cause I have a lot of strong opinions about period sex. I drafted the lyrics in my songwriting notebook and for some reason it just always sounded like a twangy country song in my head, complete with bad fake Southern accent. I considered a bunch of alternate titles, like “Red Wings,” “Hemophobia,” and “Just a Little Blood,” before settling on “The Natural Way.”

Lyrics:

It’s Friday night, it’s date night, and I’m just confirming plans
‘Cause I know what I wanna do tonight, and it involves you, man!
But perhaps we should postpone to a different night instead
‘Cause I just checked my panties and I see a bit of red…

I know we’ve never talked about it; I don’t know your stance
But I’m hoping you will part the crimson seas and take a chance
The best-laid plans for getting laid can quickly be undone
‘Cause a little hemophobia can ruin all the fun, so…

CHORUS:
Use your teeth to take my tampon out, and
Help relieve my cramps; I love to
Kill my pain the natural way
Red wings won’t let you fall
So leave a handprint on the wall
And then I’ll know for sure that you are gonna stay

How can you be horrified? It’s only menstruation
It happens every month to nearly half the population!
I’m not asking you to flay me, or to wrestle me in mud
I’m just askin’ for some passion, ’cause it’s just a bit of blood!

(repeat chorus)

I’ll respect your boundaries,  but I’ve got some of my own:
If you’d rather keep blood off your hands, I’d rather be alone
‘Cause at any time of day, and at any time of month
I deserve somebody who will faceplant in my cunt!

(repeat chorus)

Eat it raw and bloody like your steak
Get caught red-handed every ding-dong day!

Song title: Make It Hurt
Song topic: Masochism
How it came to be: I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep one night, when suddenly a line of a song popped into my head fully-formed: “Ooh baby, make it hurt; it doesn’t mean nothin’ unless it’s the worst.” I lumbered out of bed to dutifully record a voice memo so I wouldn’t forget this fragment overnight. The next morning I wrote the rest of the song, choosing a Dorian-mode chord progression, since that was the weekly theme in my online songwriters’ group that week. Pretty intuitive and easy songwriting process overall for this one, maybe because masochism is a subject I’d already dissected at length in many mediums before!

Lyrics:

CHORUS:
Ooh baby, make it hurt
It doesn’t mean nothin’ unless it’s the worst
It’s true, baby – you can flirt
But follow through – I want you to make it hurt

I’ve got particular tastes, unusual wishes
Like: sometimes a sprinkling of pain can be so delicious
Can you handle it? Will you question it? Say I’m out of my mind?
Or will you try it out? Make me cry it out? That’s a way to be kind, so…

(repeat chorus)

Your brain has been trained to be sweet and gentle
Well, that’s easily solved if the hurdles are mental
We could play pretend, like we’re childhood friends – you’re a villain with a plan
You’d be faking it til you’re making it; I believe that you can! So…

(repeat chorus)

Why do I always hurt myself,
Even when it’s through someone else?
Why do I push til I bruise and bleed?
Why is this what I need?

(repeat chorus)

Song title: Don’t Fuck People Who…
Song topic: The importance of having sexual standards
How it came to be: I had been on some dates with people who hadn’t asked me questions, and it bummed me out sufficiently that I had to process it through song. A couple days after writing it, I decided to add the little Vaudeville-y intro section at the beginning, to contextualize the rest of the song. Naturally, I had to wear my “Slut for Kindness” T-shirt in the video!

Lyrics:

I went through a slutty phase; I don’t regret my slutty days
They were mostly good, but sometimes bad
So, for all the other daters looking for a lover later,
Here is some advice I wish I’d had…

Don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh – that’s a reasonable rule!
Yeah, don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh, ’cause a sense of humor is cool
If they can’t even make you chuckle, don’t you think the way they fuck’ll also be a horrifying bore?
So, don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh, ’cause life’s too fucking short!

Don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions, ’cause curiosity is great
Yeah, don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions – why are they even on a date?!
If they won’t show a scrap of interest, why would sex be any different? Trust me, ’cause I’ve seen it all before:
Please, don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions, ’cause life’s too fucking short!

I know these rules may seem a bit restrictive
And sometimes, you’re just looking to get laid
I don’t mean to scare you – I just want to spare you
From all of the mistakes that I have made, so…

Don’t fuck people who make you feel bad – there’s no reason you should
Yeah, don’t fuck people who make you feel bad, ’cause you deserve to feel good!
First dates are for best behavior; it will not get better later – might as well just walk right out the door
Please, don’t fuck people who make you feel bad, ’cause life’s too fucking short for bad fucking!
Life’s too fucking short!

Song title: Hymen Hymn
Song topic: Virginity myths and slut-shaming
How it came to be: I was typing the word “hymen” at some point and accidentally typed “hymn” instead, and a song idea was born. Many months later, I fleshed it out into this, a satirical choral piece about shitty patriarchal virginity myths. It’s rare that I sing in a more classical style like this when performing my own songs, but I was an alto section leader in a children’s choir for several years as a youth and it’s fun to return to that choral vibe sometimes!

Lyrics:

All hail the hymen, the harbinger of sin
It stands guard at the opening, and will not let you in
Imbued with meaning and divinity,
It’s said to be a marker of virginity

All hail the hymen, doer of good deeds
Marking the event with an obligatory bleed
Some say it was nothing; some say it was the worst
Some say you reap just what you sow, and that is why it hurts

CHORUS:
Don’t push, don’t rush
Slow down your touch
I promise, if you put the time in,
You don’t have to hurt your hymen

All hail the hymen, scapegoat of the damned
Having or not having one determines who I am:
A virgin or a slut, insatiable or frigid
It’s not the most precise approach to diagnostics, is it?

All hail the hymen, so misunderstood
It is just a body part; it isn’t bad or good
And how can it be moral, how can it be right
To check a woman’s cherry on her wedding night?

(repeat chorus)

Song title: UTI
Song topic: Urinary tract infections
How it came to be: I started improvising this song over some basic chords at a time when I did indeed have a UTI. It was often an isolating and humbling experience in my twenties, when usually it would happen to me after a hookup with some random guy and I would feel left alone with the pain after we parted ways. It was interesting to try to capture that feeling in a song.

Lyrics:

I’ve got a UTI again; it makes me wanna cry again
I’m chugging cranberry, but still, I am very inflamed
I’ve got a UTI again, after sex with some guy again
He left quite some time ago; I don’t remember his name

The sad part: it’s my own fault – could’ve pissed the bacteria to hell
But as always, that’s the hard part: taking good care of myself

So I’ve got a UTI again – that’s $49.95 again
For the meds that I take for the ache from my gut to my knees
I’ve got a UTI again – I could go DIY again
I demand my D-Mannose! (I hope you don’t know what that means)

Should’ve stayed home in my room and played with my toys
‘Cause my body never trusts me when I’m with untrustworthy boys

I’ve got a UTI again, and it makes me bone-dry again
Pleasure is only a memory, a ghost I once knew
And I’m tired of the agony; I’m at odds with my anatomy
I’ve got a UTI again; I think I’m gonna cry again

Song title: Touch-Me-Not
Song topic: Asexuality
How it came to be: Kind of a silly origin story on this one… Late one night I was hanging out with some musical improv pals, and we started improvising songs over random instrumental tracks from YouTube. I got the suggestions of “sunglasses” and “bees,” and was given a beautiful, melancholy backing track to improvise over. My song was about using sunglasses as protection from a bee attack, and the chorus had goofy lyrics (“It’s only my shades/ that keep me safe from the bees/ from the bees…”) but had a super pretty melody, which I liked enough to record briefly on my phone that night before I went to sleep. That melody fragment ended up becoming the chorus of this song (“I like you so much, but/ don’t want you to touch me at all/ not at all”). I had been working on a song about the realization that I might be even further along the asexual spectrum than I’d realized, and I made practically no headway on it until I landed on this chorus, at which point the rest just flowed out of me. It’s a really personal and important song to me. 💜

Lyrics:

It’s been a lovely night, but I think I’ve had my fill
I don’t know how to say this, so I guess I just will:
It hasn’t been long enough since we first met
And the things I think you want, I don’t want yet

CHORUS:
I like you so much, but don’t want you to touch me at all
Not at all
I like you so much, but don’t want you to touch me at all
Not at all

There’s nothing wrong with going fast, but I like to go slow
Why do we like the things we like? Nobody really knows, but
You gotta work with what you got – make no apology
And there are things you like a lot, that I could take or leave

(repeat chorus)

I’m not a prude, I’m not a tease
It isn’t rude to say what I need
So you’ll be out late, loving someone
And I’ll be home alone, having so much fun!

(repeat chorus)

I don’t wanna do something that someday I might regret
I like you so much but don’t want you to touch me yet
I don’t wanna do something that someday I might regret
I like you so much but don’t want you to touch me

In Defense of Sex Dolls (Stigma Be Damned!)

Kate Sloan
Image via this post’s sponsor, Coeros, makers of cool custom sex dolls!

I’ve written quite a few articles about sex dolls and sex robots over the years, so I’ve encountered plenty of anti-sex-doll stigma while researching these products. One common argument, often made by people who are basically well-meaning, goes as follows:

“It’s fine if someone wants to own and use a sex doll, so long as it doesn’t interfere with their ability to form human relationships.”

Today I’m going to go on the record about a hot take of mine: I think it’s fine to use sex dolls even if they do disincentivize you from seeking a relationship – so long as you’re okay with that. Let me explain…

 

Not everyone wants romance or sex!

Yep: asexual and aromantic people might well enjoy a sex doll even if they don’t enjoy dating/fucking actual people. My allo (non-ace/aro) readers may be wondering, “Why would someone want a sex toy, presumably to be used during masturbation, if they’re asexual?!” and the answer is that sexual attraction is different and separate from sexual behavior and sexual desires. For instance, a straight woman might jerk off to lesbian porn sometimes because it focuses primarily on clit stimulation, but that doesn’t negate her heterosexuality – or a gay man might impulsively hook up with a female friend just to ‘try it out,’ and might even have a good time, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s gay.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction – but many ace people still masturbate and/or have sex. And since there’s a high degree of overlap between the asexual and aromantic communities, it’s entirely plausible that some ace and/or aro people might enjoy using sex dolls and other types of sex toys. These products supply sexual pleasure without the requirement of seeking human connection that may or may not be wanted.

There are also people who don’t identify as ace or aro but are celibate for various reasons – perhaps due to trauma or mental health struggles, or perhaps just as a matter of choice – and those folks could get a lot of value out of sex dolls too. If you’ve been in nonconsensual situations before that made you feel very out of control, for instance, I can see how it could be deeply empowering to get yourself a custom sex doll – you have full control over the doll and how you engage with it, which could be less scary and triggering than sex with a human being.

 

You don’t owe the world a cookie-cutter love story!

As queer, trans, kinky, and polyamorous people already know well, the world is full of harmful myths about what constitutes a ‘healthy’ or ‘acceptable’ relationship. There are infinite different ways to structure and label our relationships – so, although you may be drowning in cultural messages to the contrary, you have no obligation to get into a monogamous, long-term romantic relationship, or any other kind of relationship, for that matter. Your life is yours to design!

As disability and anti-fatness advocates often point out, our society mandates health as a moral good, which is why so many people feel justified in shaming fat folks and disabled folks for not ‘working hard enough’ to meet a particular definition of health. This practice is harmful and wrong-headed, not only because health depends on some factors we have no choice over (like disabilities and genetics), but also because no one is morally obligated to be healthy. Health versus illness is a practical consideration, not an ethical one.

Likewise, there’s nothing intrinsically good or bad about being in a relationship, or not being in a relationship – whether temporarily, or for decades at a time! Don’t get me wrong: humans are social creatures, and if someone lacks any meaningful social connection in their life (including friendships), that’s likely not healthy for them, and I would counsel them to join local hobby/interest-based groups to meet people. But romantic and sexual connection are not requirements for a life well-lived, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

 

Ultimately, it’s just a toy

I think what people tend to forget, when they clutch their pearls about sex toys ‘replacing’ human connection, is that these products simply… don’t replace human connection. A sex doll can’t make you laugh, fascinate you in conversation, or make you feel truly loved. Even as A.I. technologies get better, I don’t foresee humanoid robots ever fully overtaking humans as our preferred sexual partners. Real people are fallible, imaginative, imperfect, and human, and that’s why it’s dynamic and exciting to connect with them. I love knowing that a partner chose to touch me in a specific way because of a combination of their own preferences and their knowledge of my preferences – and I find it tough to believe a robot could ever replicate that, in large part because robots cannot experience desire. (Fight me, philosophy majors. No, seriously, feel free to fight me about this in the comments; I’m curious to hear your take!)

If someone truly feels that all of their romantic and sexual needs (to the extent that they have them) are sated by a sex doll, I’m happy for them! We all should be so lucky as to have our needs abundantly met. And if they find, instead, that something is missing and that they want to continue seeking human connection, I’m happy for them too. The more pleasures you pursue and experience, the closer you get to building your ideal life – by which I mean, the life that is ideal for you, specifically. You’re the only one who gets to decide that.

So no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with owning a sex doll, even if it does lead to a change in your romantic and sexual priorities. That’s your choice to make, because it’s your life to live – and if you want to live it hand-in-hand (or dick-in-vag) with a sex doll, more power to you. Just make sure, for fuck’s sake, that you clean it properly after every use.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Can Demisexuals Have Casual Sex? (& If So, How?!)

Kate Sloan

Ever since I came out as demisexual 2 years ago, people have had a lot of questions for me about that identity. Some of these include:

Q. What is demisexuality?
A. It’s an identity on the asexual spectrum, characterized by developing sexual attraction only to people with whom one has an existing emotional connection. In other words, demisexuals don’t (and indeed, can’t) become sexually attracted to strangers, or people they have just met and know nothing about; it takes some amount of intimacy, mutual trust, and/or get-to-know-ya time before a demi person can develop a sexual attraction.

Q. How is that different from just preferring sex in relationships over hookups/one-night stands?
A. What you’re describing is a preference; what I’m describing is a sexual orientation. If you don’t like hookups but nonetheless find yourself regularly feeling sexually attracted to people you don’t know or have just met – such as thinking the stranger across the bar is hot, or wishing you could fuck the cute person who just walked past you on the street – then you aren’t demisexual. Also, it’s worth noting that sexual orientation and sexual behavior do not always “match,” so just because a demisexual may not feel sexual attraction toward a person they’ve just met doesn’t automatically mean that they won’t hook up with that person, or won’t enjoy hooking up with that person.

Q. Wait, what? Why would you hook up with someone you’re not sexually attracted to?
A. Oh, gosh. So many reasons. For me personally, the main reasons I do this tend to be 1) the desire for the fun, excitement, and pleasure of the hookup itself, which can exist independently of whether or not I’m attracted to the person I’m hooking up with, and 2) the desire to use sex to get to know someone, so an attraction may develop. (It’s important to remember, too, in trying to understand this concept, that “not attracted to” is not usually the same thing as “repulsed by.”)

 

I thought today would be a good day to dive a little deeper on a question that is related to these, which is: Can demisexuals have casual sex? Or, more to the point, can they enjoy it?

I have indeed jumped onto a free sex app looking for a carnal meet-cute from time to time. I have swept my eyes over the stranger chatting me up at a sex club and thought, “Sure.” I am not immune to these temptations, though for me they are not based on sexual attraction. They’re more based on a desire for pleasure, excitement, and adventure.

In some ways, I think of sex like dancing. Some people say dancing is the most romantic, the most intimate and fun, when you do it with someone you’re in love with, or even just someone you’re attracted to. It may give you that buzzy feeling of crackling energy flowing between you, the desire to lean in close for an impulsive kiss, the sense that everyone else in the room has faded away and it’s just you and your dance partner, whirling and gyrating. But at the same time, I’m sure you can think of instances when you’ve danced with (or near) someone you weren’t in love with, weren’t even attracted to, and still had a good time. Perhaps you didn’t even know their name. Maybe the music was good, or the athleticism of the dancing got your heart rate up in an invigorating way, or you just enjoyed the fun of getting to know someone from the way they move. It may not have even mattered if you ever saw the person again; your one shared dance was a self-contained encounter that was pleasing in and of itself, and required neither a deep emotional connection nor a later reunion for more dancing. It is likely that your dance partner, or you, simply disappeared into the night sometime after the song was over, and you both moved on with your lives, not feeling pulled to reunite and reconnect, but still happy to have shared that experience with someone who seemed cool.

That’s how I feel about casual sex as a demisexual. It’s not necessarily the best version of sex I can have, or the most emotionally resonant, but that’s not really the point. It’s about fun and frivolity and feeling alive.

 

I suppose this raises the ethical question of whether your “dance partners” – by which I mean sex partners – need to know you’re not attracted to them. After all, to visit site after site and use app after app searching for a hookup can be an exhausting process; if mutual attraction is what they’re after, don’t they deserve to know upfront that it’s not an option, so they can swipe left and move on to the next?

I actually don’t think so, and here’s why. Most people don’t know what demisexuality is. Hell, most people don’t even know what asexuality is. They have not probed the concepts of sexual orientation versus sexual behavior. They have not pondered the ways a person can enjoy sex without attraction. So all they’re gonna hear, when you try to explain, is “I find you repulsive, but I’ll still have sex with you, if you want, I guess,” even if that’s not at all what you feel you’re expressing.

Should an opportunity arise in conversation, I’ll sometimes disclose something like, “I generally take a while to warm up to people,” or “I enjoy sex more when it’s with someone I’ve already had sex with a few times.” These statements have the added benefit of planting the seed in the other person’s head that you’d be open to an ongoing friends-with-benefits arrangement or similar, rather than just a one-off encounter. But they’re also a way of telling your date the truth about yourself, hopefully without making them feel like a gross gargoyle being thrown a bone (so to speak).

 

I will say, my demisexuality works more like a dimmer switch than an on/off toggle. If a deep emotional connection gets me hot, a shallower-but-still-present emotional connection gets me… warm. This – among other, more practical reasons, like my physical safety – is why I prefer to go on a date that may or may not end in a hookup, rather than just going over to a stranger’s house (or inviting them over to mine) for immediate sex. You typically can’t develop profound intimacy in the timespan of just one date, but you can develop some intimacy. I like to ask people not only basic first-date questions (job, family, hobbies) but also slightly more probing questions, that may reveal something deeper about who they are, such as:

  • What’s your passion?
  • Read any good books lately?
  • Does the climate crisis worry you?
  • Overall, are you happy with your life?
  • What’s the best thing that’s happened to you today?
  • What’s the last thing that made you laugh really, really hard?

Beyond helping make attraction possible for me (even if it’s just a mild attraction), these types of questions are also just… fun to hear people answer, even people you’ve just met. One of my favorite things about dating and hooking up is getting to know new people. Even though I’m a huge introvert and can only handle it in small doses, I find it delightful and eye-opening to chat with people from different walks of life about their experiences, opinions, hopes, and fears. Getting to learn more about humanity and get laid in the same evening? What’s not to like?!

 

Lastly, I feel it’s important to add that you can always say no to sex, for any reason you want. You can say no to the idea of casual sex altogether, and just stay home reading a book. You can say no to the random person who asks you out via Tinder, if their vibe rubs you the wrong way or you just don’t feel like going out. You can say no to staying for another drink, if by the end of the first one you’re bored to tears or just wishing you were home watching Netflix instead. You can say no when your date asks you back to their place, whether it’s a “no, but maybe next time” or a permanent kind of no. You can say no when you’re back at their place (or yours), after a nightcap or after some kisses or after some touching or whenever the hell you want. You can say no to seeing them again. You can say no at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all, and anyone who makes you feel like you can’t is someone you should get away from as soon as you possibly can. (Block their number, too. You deserve better.)

As a demisexual, I’ve found that the most likely juncture of a date when I might need to say no is when we’re paying for our drinks/dinner/whatever and have to decide whether to move to a second location. If I don’t want to have sex with them, right then or perhaps ever, but they’ve made an invitation for me to do so, I can say:

  • “Thank you, but no.”
  • “I’m not really feelin’ it.”
  • “It was nice meeting you, but I need to get some rest.”
  • “I don’t think we’re a great fit, but thanks for your time.”
  • “I’ve had a lovely time, but I think I’m just gonna head home.”
  • “I’m not really feeling sexual chemistry here, but I hope you have a good rest of your night.”

I used to feel guilty about doing this, as if I had “wasted their time” by declining sex when there was an unspoken agreement that sex would (or could) happen. But frankly, anyone who believes sex is an obligation, in any context and for any reason, is not a safe person to have sex with. This is also why I prefer to pay for my own drinks/food/transport on all first dates; I need all the help I can get convincing myself that I never owe anyone anything and am free to say no at any time. There is always a chance that someone will get angry and/or aggressive when rebuffed in this way, however gently; this is one of the many reasons it’s best to have all first dates in public, well-lit places where there are plenty of other people around.

 

Are you a demisexual person who enjoys casual sex? What are your tips and tricks for having demi-friendly hookups?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 5 Sex-Savvy Superheroes

Kate Sloan
tfw you’re stuck inside most of the year because of COVID but you still wanna stay up-to-date on the latest sex news

Each December I write about 5 people whose teachings on sexuality were significant to me throughout the year. Since in-person workshops and conferences weren’t available to us for most of the year, sex education looked different for me in 2020 – most of it happened while reading books or blogs. However, I still feel like I learned a lot more about sexuality this year, including deepening my understanding of my own sexuality. Here are the 5 people whose expertise most impressed and uplifted me in 2020…

Angela Chen

I already wrote about Angela Chen’s brilliant book Ace in a previous 12DoGJ instalment, but it bears repeating: this is one of the best books in existence about asexuality. I know it will change many lives. In fact, I’m sure it already has.

In addition to being an outstanding author, Angela is a reporter who covers asexuality, technology, and health. Her essays on subjects like “curing” desire, discovering one’s own asexuality, and the overrepresentation of alloromanticism in fiction are full of ideas that challenge the status quo, both out in the world and within your own mind. She is consistently brave enough to question societal norms and eloquent enough to make me shout, “How can anyone write this well?!” I love everything I’ve seen from her body of work and can’t wait to see what she does next.

Velvet Veronica

2020 was the year that I discovered possibly the best handjob-giver on the planet, Velvet Veronica. Granted, I don’t have a penis so it’s hard to assess that for certain, but my partner does, and attests that Veronica’s skills are unmatched (or at least, they appear to be!).

Though she bills herself as a “soft femdom” porn creator, her style of dominance can actually be wonderfully strict and mean. Her videos show her “torturing” her submissive (whom she calls “pet”) with vibrators, chastity, edging, denial, post-orgasmic overstimulation, and much more. Though I enjoy her work very much on a purely entertainment-based level (what can I say, I appreciate a great HJ!), I also think her videos are remarkably educational for anyone looking to explore dominance. She never shows her face – or the mysterious thigh tattoo she covers up with a garter in every scene for anonymity reasons – but she doesn’t need to, because her power is all about her voice, her presence, and those magic hands.

Ana Valens

I don’t remember how I first became Twitter mutuals with Ana Valens, but I’m so glad I did. She’s the NSFW reporter for the Daily Dot, where she covers everything from gender-affirming sex toys to the healing power of BDSM to transphobia in video games. She’s also a delight to listen to on podcasts, whether she’s talking about social etiquette on my show Question Box or sex work stigma on Canadaland.

The more that internet discourse becomes a tug of war between the right and the left, between “cancel culture” and “free speech,” between “fake news” and true facts, the more I respect and admire journalists of marginalized identities who manage to do brilliant work despite all the pressures they face. Ana’s reporting is always incisive, with a side of humor and whimsy. Her writing makes me feel optimistic about sex journalism again in a way I don’t often feel anymore. She’s a must-read, in 2020 and beyond. (Oh, and she also makes porn.)

Denying Thumper

One thing my spouse mb and I have in common: when we become interested in a new kink, we research the hell out of it. That’s how they stumbled upon Denying Thumper, who’s been blogging about his adventures in long-term chastity for several years.

As a sex educator, I often tell people who want to introduce their partner to a new kink of theirs that it’s important to be specific. Just because you’ve seen 800 videos about your fetish doesn’t mean that your partner has the slightest clue how to put it into action in a way you’ll enjoy. This is why I’ve found chastity blogs like Denying Thumper so useful as mb and I have been exploring chastity together: they give me a model of what to do, what not to do, and even how to think about the kink in question. It helps enormously that Thumper is a cogent, witty writer with a clearly bottomless passion for chastity. Sex bloggers fucking rule, man.

My therapist

As I told you earlier in the year, I was lucky enough in mid-2020 to find a therapist who was not only accepting new clients (only over the phone – this is a pandemic year, after all!) but who also happened to be clued-in about kink, non-monogamy, LGBTQ+ issues, and trauma – all important puzzle pieces of my psyche. My therapist herself (who uses both she/her and they/them pronouns) has experience in these areas both personally and professionally, and they have been a total godsend for me this year.

Good therapists, who don’t stigmatize their clients’ natural and healthy inclinations but instead push them to explore their desires free from self-judgment or self-hatred, are so necessary in this world. I end every call with my therapist breathing a sigh of relief, feeling less frazzled, less broken, and less alone. I doubt they’ll ever read this (that would probably be ethically weird), but they helped me get through 2020, and I’m so grateful.

 

Who were your sex-savvy superheroes this year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 8 Brilliant Books

Kate Sloan
This is the closest thing I have to a bookstore pic from 2020 since everything has been closed for so much of the year 😭

One minor silver lining of this hellish year: not being able to go to places I’d normally go, or do things I’d normally do, left me with a lot of extra time. Some of that time was funnelled into video games (look, Tom Nook needed my help, okay?!), and some of it went into reading books instead. I spent many an hour this year stretched out in a hot bath, candles lit and Kindle in hand.

So far in 2020, I’ve read 31 books – here’s the full list, if you’re interested – but these 8 really stand out as my faves of the year. Thanks to my Kindle’s highlights functionality, I’ve also been able to pull a favorite quote from each, to give you a little taste. Read on and read up, bookworms!

 

The Mind’s Eye by Oliver Sacks

I had heard stories of people living in rain forests so dense that their far point was only six or seven feet away. If they were taken out of the forest, it was said, they might have so little idea or perception of space and distance beyond a few feet that they would try to touch distant mountaintops with their outstretched hands.

I went through a major Oliver Sacks phase in the early part of this year. Mr. Sacks, if you don’t know, was a British neurologist who also happened to be a magnificent and evocative writer. Typically, his books are filled with eloquent case studies about actual people he’s helped, usually gathered around a particular theme. The Mind’s Eye is themed around all things visual, and profiles people with various disturbances in the visual sectors of their brain, like face-blindness and neurologically-rooted color-blindness.

In the latter sections of the book, Sacks also tells the story of his own loss of stereoscopic vision when a tumor deprived him of the use of one eye. His books are always fascinating to me as someone who is nerdy about oddities of the brain, and this was one of my favorites I’ve read.

 

Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel

“Has anyone been informed? Who do we call?” “I should call his lawyer,” the producer said. This solution was inarguable, but so depressing that the group drank for several minutes in silence before anyone could bring themselves to speak. “His lawyer,” the bartender said finally. “Christ, what a thing. You die, and they call your lawyer.”

Soon after the coronavirus became an international news story, I started looking into books about pandemics, because sometimes wading right into your fears and worries is the best way to cathartically slough them off. One of the most-recommended pandemic novels on Twitter back in March was Station Eleven, a thrilling story that starts in a Toronto theatre on the opening night of a Shakespeare play, and ends many years later, by which time the world’s population has been decimated and society entirely restructured.

This book felt healing and reassuring to read, because so much of it is about the ways that art, music, theatre, and literature create opportunities for hope, optimism, and connection, even in irrefutably terrible times. It was also just a genuinely fun read, full of unexpected twists, memorable imagery, and well-drawn characters.

 

The End of Policing by Alex S. Vitale

By conceptualizing the problem of policing as one of inadequate training and professionalization, reformers fail to directly address how the very nature of policing and the legal system served to maintain and exacerbate racial inequality. By calling for colorblind “law and order” they strengthen a system that puts people of color at a structural disadvantage and contributes to their deep social and legal estrangement. At root, they fail to appreciate that the basic nature of the law and the police, since its earliest origins, is to be a tool for managing inequality and maintaining the status quo.

I reviewed this book just after reading it, so I won’t restate myself too much here. I’ll just say that this book lays out argument after argument for defunding the police in a way that is clear, cogent, and persuasive. If you’re on the fence about this issue – or even if you still think the police are an upstanding institution, despite so much evidence to the contrary – I think this book would be particularly informative and helpful for you.

 

Black Buck by Mateo Askaripour

Reader: Wally Cat is many things, but a fool he is not. What he told me that day was a sales lesson in disguise. The quality of an answer is determined by the quality of the question. Quote that and pay me my royalties.

This brilliant debut novel follows a young Black man as he gets plucked from a low-paying job and hired as a salesman at an almost entirely white startup. It touches on racism, and confidence, and capitalism, and the scarcity of opportunity.

It’s also one of the funniest books I read all year, easy. The voice Mr. Askaripour crafted for his protagonist is sharp and witty, friendly yet dark, goofy but sincere. This was a pleasure to read from start to finish.

 

Girl on the Net: How a Bad Girl Fell in Love by Girl on the Net

It’s a bit hard to put sex to one side when I’m talking about romance: to me romance has usually been a route to sex, like a Valentine’s card with surprise dick joke inside. A love story that doesn’t involve the odd knee-trembling grope or sticky-lubed handjob feels as incomplete as breakfast without coffee.

The sex blogger known as Girl on the Net is a legend – easily one of the best writers in my genre, always smart and often hilarious. This book tells the story of one of her long-term relationships, with a man who luckily happened to be pretty chill about the whole “sex blogger” thing. (Trust me, this is a surprisingly difficult quality to find in a man.)

It’s equal parts romantic and sexy, stuffed with life lessons that’ll help you both in and out of the bedroom. And it’s all written with GotN’s signature wit. If I’d been able to take public transit this year, I’m sure I would have turned some heads by laughing too hard on the subway while reading this.

 

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

I will not lie: the work to heal our personal traumas and attachment wounds and the effort needed to build polysecure relationships are not easy. It takes courage, devotion and perseverance, but please trust me in knowing that it is worth it. As we heal our past, we open up new possibilities for our future.

This year I became increasingly aware of the ways my trauma history impacts the way I feel and behave in my present-day relationships. I took Clementine Morrigan’s online class on trauma-informed polyamory, and I read this book, and between those two things + getting a savvy new therapist, I feel that I’m firmly on the path to healing, though there is likely still a long way to go.

In this book, psychotherapist Jessica Fern (who is totally charming – she guested on a Dildorks episode) lays out the ways that attachment wounds can complicate non-monogamy, and what can be done about it. This is absolutely a must-read for anyone who wants to be non-monogamous but finds themselves continually triggered or re-traumatized by their forays into that relationship style.

 

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

I understood for the first time that it is possible to lack the experience of sexual attraction without being repulsed by sex, just like it is possible to neither physically crave nor be disgusted by a food like crackers but still enjoy eating them as part of a cherished social ritual. Being repulsed by sex is a fairly obvious indication of the lack of sexual attraction, but a lack of sexual attraction can also be hidden by social performativity or wanting (and having) sex for emotional reasons—and because the different types of desire are bound together so tightly, it can be difficult to untangle the various strands.

I cannot say enough good things about this book. It is a vitally important contribution to the existing body of work on asexuality. In her clear, incisive prose, Angela Chen explains asexuality and its various facets and forms, discusses some of the biggest issues facing the asexual community today, and hypothesizes on useful lessons non-asexuals can learn from their ace peers.

Even though I’ve identified as being on the ace spectrum for a while now, there’s a lot in this book that I had never really thought about before, or at least hadn’t thought about with as much clarity as Ms. Chen brings to the table. It’s really a must-read for anyone who is interested in asexuality, from any angle.

 

Sex with Presidents: The Ins and Outs of Love and Lust in the White House by Eleanor Herman

There appears to be little difference between the thrills of seeking public power, with crowds of adoring fans, to seeking pubic power, with an adoring audience of one. The same compulsions that send a man hurtling toward the White House can also send him into a foolhardy tryst with a woman. High political office and dangerous sex are, in fact, all about hubris and power.

I just finished this the other day, and it was an absolute delight. Ms. Herman – who has previously written books on the sex lives of queens, kings, and Vatican bigwigs – has amassed a veritable treasure trove of absurd stories about salacious presidential misadventures. I know more about Lyndon Johnson’s penis and John F. Kennedy’s favorite sexual position now than I ever dreamed I’d learn.

Although she’s not too heavy-handed about it, Ms. Herman makes it clear throughout the book that systemic sexism – and often, men being outright cruel to women they claim to love – has played a huge role in presidential sex scandals. It’s hard to even grasp the number of powerful men who have cheated on their wives, fucked over their mistresses, abandoned their children, lied to the nation, etc. etc. etc. This is mainly a book about shitty men, but it’s also a book about strong women who deserved way better treatment than they ever got.

 

What books did you love this year?