make love not porn

Monthly Faves: Cocksucking & Caretaking

Kate Sloan

May was a nice month! Here are some of the sexy things I’ve been enjoying lately…

Sex toys

• We-Vibe sent me their new product, the Moxie, a panty vibe that attaches to your underwear with a magnetic clip. It’s an ingenious concept and I’m looking forward to testing it out in both long-distance and local encounters with my partner!

• I’m super enamored with the Bodywand Midnight plug-in massager, which Bodywand sent me this month. Full review to come, but for now, I’ll say: give me more vibrators that have a dial rather than buttons! It makes a huge difference!

• My partner acquired a Fun Factory Manta – one of the best-reviewed penis vibrators on the market right now – and I enjoyed using it on him during a blowjob. He seemed to love it a lot. I imagine it feels a bit like what I would feel if there was enough real estate on my clit to fit both a rumbly vibrator and a mouth, i.e. pretty great.

Fantasy fodder

• Sometimes being extra depressed gives me even more caretaking-related fantasies than I normally have… like my Sir bringing me soup, petting my hair, and later going down on me, all part of taking care of his little girl. 😍

• I’ve been working on an erotica story to submit to an anthology, and it’s about velvet fetish, so I’ve been thinking about all the various ways one could work velvet into one’s sex life. Currently I’d love to get fucked on top of a velvet blanket, or while wearing a velvet slip.

• This amateur cunnilingus clip continues to be a fave. Dat technique, tho.

Sexcetera

• I guested on the A Touch of Flavor podcast, answering some questions about DD/lg. It was a fun time!

• If you’ve ever wanted to see me give a blowjob, you’re in luck… I have a new scene on MakeLoveNotPorn that depicts just that. (I asked Bex – who curated the scene – whether his gagging phobia kicked in at the parts where I gagged on dat dick, but he said it didn’t bother him as much as it usually would because he knows I’m into gagging in that context and it’s even kinda romantic for me. Aww.)

• This month in my newsletter, I wrote about polyamory and introversion, hookup culture and responsive desire, some sexy memories from my Montreal trip, and the romance of being trampled. Subscribe, why don’tcha?

• Sextistics: this month I had in-person sex 10 times and phone sex 19 times, totaling 29 sessions.

Femme stuff

• I bought a new pair of Lotta from Stockholm clogs; I already had yellow ones and navy ones so this time I got red ones. These remain my favorite summertime shoes – they’re cute and comfortable, able to straddle the line between casual and fancy. Love you, Lotta!

• I’ve been leaning hard on my sample of Euphorium Brooklyn’s Suédois perfume lately. Containing notes of sandalwood, spiced suede, wildflower, raspberry, and Bavarian cream, it’s a gorgeously androgynous scent that always lifts my mood.

• Shout-out to the sensuality of napping in a sundress in the afternoon with the window open. I mean. Can you even imagine anything more luxurious and relaxing. Bonus points for a delicate little eye mask to keep the light out.

Media

• This month I got to read an advance copy of Jessica Pan’s new book, Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come, which is about a shy introvert’s attempt to live like an extrovert for a year. I found it howlingly funny and deeply relatable, as a total introvert myself.

• I’ve been reading Dr. Liz Powell’s book on non-monogamy, Building Open Relationships. It’s an absolutely invaluable resource for anyone exploring non-monogamy of any kind, and I’m loving it so far!

• I’m entering a full-blown Queer Eye obsession. Late to the party, for sure, but damn, what an uplifting show. It’s been in heavy rotation for me along with The Adventure Zone when I need to cheer up.

• Raven Kaldera’s anthology on submissives with mental illness, Broken Toys, is full of useful tips for both mentally ill subs and their dominants. I think a lot of you would find it illuminating and validating!

Little things

Planning layouts for my new room. Perfect margaritas at Northwood and Founder Bar (and introducing my friends to new cocktail bars). Singing Nick Jonas at karaoke. Being interviewed by smart people who know their shit. Working on a secret project with Brent. My extremely sex-positive psychologist. My new computer case and keyboard cover in my signature colors. Playing sweet ‘n’ sexy ukulele tunes at Bed Post. Going to see Next to Normal by myself from the very back row. Solo dinner dates. Trading sex toys for booze and 420 on Bunz. Gregory Prest. Gender-neutral bathrooms at the Bad Dog Theatre. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Long, lazy afternoons spent simply getting high and having sex. Listening to Hippo Campus and the Softies on rainy days.

Monthly Faves: Sword Cocks & Pink Sparkles

Kate Sloan

Nope, I’m not April-foolin’ you… Here are the sexy things I enjoyed in March!

Sex toys

• A trip away from home with less-than-satisfactory vibes left me appreciating my Eroscillator Top Deluxe and Magic Wand Rechargeable even more than usual. There are reasons they’re my near-constant go-to’s: their vibrations are rumbly, they’re intuitively designed, and I never want to throw them across the room mid-session for making me numb and keeping me from getting off. *cough*

• I used my good old NobEssence Seduction dildo a couple times this month, and damn, it’s still an out-of-this-world G-spot stimulator. I’ve also noticed that if I’m turned on enough, using enough lube, and angling it just right, it can graze my A-spot the tiniest bit. Neat!

• SheVibe sent me something new and weird: Blush Novelties’ Drago “sword” handle and a couple of lock-on dildos to go with it. Essentially it enables you to feel like you’re fucking yourself (or a partner) with a sword, which is certainly somebody’s fantasy! My partner and I tried it once and liked it more than we were expecting to. Full review to come!

Fantasy fodder

• My partner and I have been re-watching The L Word (well, it’s his first time watching it, but my… I dunno, 4th?) and I am struck all over again by how hot Shane, Bette, and Dana are. Almost everyone on that show is hot but those three are the ones I’ve pictured fingerbanging me with their strong arms in my private moments.

• M’dude tried his hand at rope bondage for the first time this month, in a hazy scene that involved me being blindfolded and in trance. It was nice to feel like a vacant-brained doll he could move around to suit his needs. I always forget just how much I love being tied up until it happens…

• Still reminiscing fondly on a blowjob I gave my partner while he was sitting in a gorgeous blue velvet armchair. I’ve been saying for ages that I might have a velvet kink and, uh, yeah, that’s a thing.

Sexcetera

• I’m officially a columnist at Herizons magazine now! The first edition of my “Body Politics” column, which focuses on consent and culture, came out this month. It’s about forgiveness narratives and victim-silencing, and you can check it out digitally or in print.

• I submitted my first-ever Make Love Not Porn scene, so if you’ve ever wanted to watch me get high, jerk off, unexpectedly squirt on the floor, and accidentally knock my computer over, go rent it!

• I had occasion this month to reflect on how transformative it can be to pose for sexy photos taken by someone who thinks you’re hot AF. My love took some cute portraits of me in new lingerie and they made me feel better about my body at a time when I was pretty mad at it.

• Sextistics: this month my partner and I had in-person sex 15 times and phone sex 21 times, totalling 36 sex sessions!

Femme stuff

• I am obsessed afresh with Frederic Malle’s Carnal Flower, the bewitching scent I first sampled ages ago because it’s Helena Fitzgerald‘s favorite. It’s somehow both as fresh-scrubbed as a blonde soccer mom at a PTA meeting and as ruthlessly sexy as… that same mom, later, in lingerie she knows’ll make her husband wolf-whistle.

• My new phone case from SupplyBlingsShop is the sparkliest, most over-the-top item I own. It is truly on-brand. They also make a super gay one, if you’re into that.

• I’ve been getting back into a slouchy star-print cardigan I bought in 2013 and wore throughout university. Sometimes it’s nice to wear cozy old favorites and feel like you’re rubbing shoulders with the version of yourself you used to be.

Media

• I read a lot of books this month but one of my faves was Nobody Cares by Anne T. Donahue, a series of confessional essays about everything from social media to alcoholism to anxiety to death. It’s been optioned to become a TV show, so apparently I’m not the only one who loved it!

• The other best book I read this month was High Heel by Summer Brennan. It’s a brilliant meditation on the high-heeled shoe as a microcosm of gender politics.

• The Japanese House – a.k.a. the musical brainchild of androgynous wunderkind Amber Bain – has a new album out, Good At Falling. It’s a stunning reflection on loneliness, told through a bunch of absolute bops.

Little things

Didion and Pinter. Solo date nights in the Distillery. The way new clothes can reignite your sense of sartorial panache. Scribbling in a Moleskine with a Palomino pencil over a hot toddy at a cocktail bar. Wearing powerful lipstick to the airport so as to feel braver. Marathonning Brooklyn Nine-Nine with Bex while high. Good aftercare spreads. Interviewing people I find fascinating, and having them say, “Good question!” Tons of good theatre (Sondheim, [tos], MacIvor). The most beautiful hotel I’ve ever stayed at. Hanging out in a mysterious, exclusive park you need a key to get into. Writing naked in the morning. Scotch and ginger. Kale salad. Loading up on my fave strain. Good doctors. Blue leather. Eating fancy food while super high. Queer Eye. Afternoon naps with an eye mask on. Pictures of your beloved that really capture their beauty.

Make Love, Not Porn

Kate Sloan

I received a beta invitation to MakeLoveNotPorn.TV under false pretences. I’m sorry, Cindy! I promised I would submit a video of myself jerking off with various toys if I got fast-tracked up the invitation list, but as it turns out, the website isn’t equipped yet to receive submissions from countries outside of the U.S. (and I live in Canada). Such a bummer! Oh well. Someday…

For those of you who don’t know, MakeLoveNotPorn.TV is an awesome not-yet-totally-launched website created by advertising guru and sex education enthusiast Cindy Gallop. It’s the logical next step after she launched MakeLoveNotPorn.com a few years back.

Just to be clear: the websites and their creators are not anti-porn. They are “pro-sex, pro-porn and pro-knowing the difference.” Their message is simple and yet huge: people shouldn’t learn how to have sex from watching hardcore pornography. Maybe that sounds obvious to you, but you’d be surprised how many people have no other way of learning about sex, since we live in a culture where sex ed is condemned and porn is fucking everywhere.

MakeLoveNotPorn.TV is sort of like Facebook meets YouTube, except it’s sex-focused. Cindy Gallop says she wants to make sex as socially acceptable and socially shareable as all those other relationship milestones we write about on our social media outlets. You know your friend who just posted all her wedding photos on Facebook? Well, what if she could share her sex life in the same way she shares her romantic life?

Contributors are encouraged to film themselves having “real-world sex”: organic, authentic, potentially even goofy. Unlike porn, the stars of the clips don’t “perform for the camera,” but instead, they focus on their partner(s) and the sex they’re having, just like they would if there was no camera in sight.

Each contribution must be accompanied by a $5 curation fee. This helps to cover the costs of running the site. If your video is accepted, it’s then published in the new edition that comes out every Wednesday, and people can “rent” it for $5. When they rent it, they can watch it as many times as they want for the next three weeks. Of the $5 they paid to rent your video, $2.50 goes to you, the contributor, and the other $2.50 goes to the website.

You might think that doesn’t sound very lucrative, and you’re right, it isn’t. But it’s fair, it’s better than nothing, and it’s part of a super fun and exciting social network. You can make friends, consensually spy on real people’s sex lives, chat about sex, and be as anonymous or upfront as you want.

And, as it turns out, you can also watch Danny Wylde have real-world sex.

I’ll be honest: this is mainly what enticed me about MLNP. The promotional materials declared that porn star Danny Wylde (who happens to be my favorite male porn performer, because he’s hot, eats pussy like a champ, and has an intact dick) had submitted a video of himself and his real-life girlfriend Lily LaBeau (also a porn star) gettin’ it on. Not in a performative, porn-set situation, but as if they were just doing it for themselves.

It is a tasty clip. Lily reveals in the behind-the-scenes footage that her vag often gets sore from how many porn scenes she shoots, so her real-world sex with Danny in this video is all about her ass. I’m not usually the hugest fan of anal sex in porn, but this clip sold me on it. Plus, Danny rims Lily. Uh, more dudes need to rim ladies in porn, because it’s hot.

My rental of the Danny/Lily clip is going to run out soon-ish, and after that, I’ll look for something else. Maybe some amateur pussy-eating. Whatever I end up choosing, I’m very damn appreciative that something like MakeLoveNotPorn.TV exists, because erotic performers need more fair compensation and everyday sex needs more recognition. Can I get an amen?!

Sharing the Sexy #8

Kate Sloan

• Caitlin K. Roberts (creator of Body Pride, doer of sexy things) wrote about arousal and fantasies from a psychological standpoint. Interesting stuff. What are your most disturbing, fucked-up fantasies that you would never want to act on?

• I love a good sexual phobia round-up. So glad I don’t have eurotophobia – it would make my job so hard to do!

• A polyamory-focused blogger I’ve been reading for a while, “K” of Taken But Available, announced she’s calling it quits because polyamory doesn’t work for her after all. She also dropped the pseudonym and disclosed her identity. Brave lady! I wish her the best of luck with her newfound monogamy.

• Rachel Rabbit White profiled a sexual psychic and attended an edgeplay seminar. (Trigger warning: the edgeplay article contains mentions and descriptions of consensual “rape play.”)

• A video series called Hysterical Literature shows women reading from books while an offscreen vibrator is being used on them. Reminds me of Beautiful Agony, but with a literary bent. Hot!

• I really think you need to know about MakeLoveNotPorn.TV. It’s my informed opinion that this is the future of the porn industry: real amateur porn, or as Cindy Gallop calls it, “real-world sex,” bought and sold using a revenue-sharing model. Listen to Cindy discussing the project with Dan Savage and then get thee to the website to request an invitation to the beta. I’m not in yet, but I have zero doubts about the eventual epicness of this project. Get in on the ground floor!