sexual communication

8 Fellatio Fears and How to Conquer Them

Kate Sloan

Blowjobs used to be one of the scariest acts I could imagine, and now they’re one of my favorite things. I’ve come so far (and made so many people come)!

As such, I get a lot of emails, tweets, DMs, and comments from folks who want to give more head, more skilfully, but are running up against a specific issue that makes this tricky for them. So here’s a little cheat sheet of common cocksucking conundrums and how I’d recommend combating them…

You feel obligated to give head, and you don’t want to.

How to deal:

  • Try to remember, above all else, that consent and comfort are paramount to sex and that anyone worth dating or fucking will know this.
  • That said, you’ll have a hard time finding a sexual partner who doesn’t want some kind of sexual reciprocation in their relationships, and giving pleasure is fun, so look for alternate ways to do that. Handjobs, sex toys, good ol’ P-in-V sex, and even talking dirty in your partner’s ear while they jerk off are all lovely ways to please someone without sucking their dick.
  • If you’re concerned your partner quietly resents you for not giving them head more often or at all, don’t just silently worry about that – talk about it. Have a proper sit-down conversation about it; ask them if it bothers them and negotiate other things the two of you could do together instead.
  • If you want to like giving head, take baby steps. Maybe tell your partner you’re going to blow them for five minutes and then switch to a different activity. Maybe start giving handjobs that incorporate progressively more and more of your mouth. Look for something you can enjoy about BJs, whether it’s the servicey headspace you get into or the sounds your partner makes or the texture of the cock against your tongue, and focus on that.

You’re scared of gagging/choking.

How to deal:

  • Tell your partner (or remind them) that this is a concern for you, and that they should therefore avoid pushing your head down onto their cock, thrusting into your mouth, and so on. Assert and defend this boundary relentlessly as needed.
  • Firmly wrap your hand around the cock midway down the shaft so it can’t get deeper into your mouth than you want it to.
  • Use your (lubed) hand on the shaft, in sync with your mouth, so that it feels like you’re taking it deeper than you actually are. Oooh, a cocktical illusion!
  • If you’re comfortable doing so, try deliberately gagging yourself a little bit on the dick once in a while by taking it just a little too deep. It’s easier to handle when you’re doing it to yourself and can choose when and how it happens, and “practicing” like this can acclimatize you to the sensation and may even lessen your gag reflex over time.

You’re scared it’ll taste bad (or you know it does).

How to deal:

  • Try taking a shower or bath together beforehand. It’s possible to soap up someone’s dick in a sexy manner, I promise. (Ask first!)
  • Use this knowledge how you will: the taste of semen and precum can be improved if the owner of the dick eats more fruit, drinks more water, and cuts down on their consumption of coffee, alcohol, spinach, cigarettes, garlic, onions, and spicy foods. (Sex writer Violet Blue recommends a smoothie made of pineapple juice, mango juice, a banana, half a cucumber, fresh ginger, vanilla extract, and honey. Sounds delicious!)
  • If you’re concerned the bad taste may actually be due to neglectful hygiene practices and/or some kind of health issue, gently and kindly broach the issue with the partner in question. Try not to make them feel embarrassed or ashamed. Emphasize that you’re bringing it up out of concern for their health and that you’d just looove to suck their cock more once the issue is resolved.
  • If all else fails, there’s always condoms (I would recommend either flavored ones or unlubricated ones, because regular condom lube tastes pretty gross) and/or flavored lube.

Boner issues are deflating your enthusiasm.

How to deal:

  • Absorb this reality check: boners are not a foolproof measure of arousal, attraction, or enjoyment. Erectile issues can be caused by a whole host of issues – medical, psychological, situational, and otherwise – and don’t necessarily portend a damn thing about how hot you are or how good your blowjobs are.
  • If you are feeling insecure about your desirability or sexual skill because of a boner problem, it’s okay to ask your partner for reassurance about those things. Just be aware that they may also be going through some difficult feelings about it and may not be in a good position to reassure you immediately.
  • Remember that dicks can still feel pleasure even when flaccid! Use your lips and tongue. Find new, inventive ways to give your partner pleasure with your mouth. Emphasize, with your actions and your words, that you are there to exchange pleasures and have fun, not to check off a bunch of goals on a sexual to-do list.
  • That said, your partner may not want a BJ while flaccid, for various reasons. Make the offer, but also be open to their alternate suggestions. Maybe getting you off would help them feel more capable and sexy in a moment when they might not be feeling that way.
  • If it’s a recurrent issue, and it regularly causes distress to one or both partners, medical help might be warranted. As with anything sensitive, approach this discussion with compassion and tact.

You’re worried you’re bad at it.

How to deal:

  • Communicate with your partner! If you raise this concern, they may very well tell you you’re being ridiculous and your blowjobs are actually fantastic. Or they might have suggestions for how you could change things up to give BJs that please them better.
  • Do sexual science experiments to determine which techniques work well for your partner. Think like an optometrist: is “A” better, or “B”? Try going deep and shallow, fast and slow, gentle and hard, wet and less-wet, and see which your partner responds to better. Ask them questions and pay attention to their body language and their breathing.
  • Look for new technique ideas in instructional sex books, porn clips, erotica stories, and whatever other blowjob-centric sexual media you can find. You never know when you’ll come across something that shifts your whole BJ game.
  • Remember that what you offer goes beyond just physical skill. The best blowjob machines in 2018 may be out of this world on a mechanical level, but they don’t compare to the hotness of having a real live person in front of you, sucking your cock.

You’re worried you don’t look hot while you’re doing it.

How to deal:

  • Again: communicate with your partner. They probably think you look hot while you’re down there. Try asking them, “What turns you on about watching me give you head?”
  • Watch blowjob porn – and, in particular, POV blowjob porn – for ideas on how to unleash your inner porn star while you give head. Smouldering eye contact, pouty lips, and a brow furrowed in mild desperation are all popular features of this porn genre… and they’re classics for a reason!
  • When this anxiety is particularly acute, consider blindfolding your partner. It adds a fun kinky twist to the experience and also takes the pressure off you to look scintillatingly hot at every moment.
  • Is there some pre-BJ primping you could do that would make you feel hotter in the act? Maybe some mascara, lipstick, blush, lingerie, or a particular hairstyle? These things are totally optional, but might make you feel more secure about how you look.
  • Remember that what you look like isn’t actually that important. If you focus on enjoying how the cock feels in your mouth and paying close attention to your partner’s responses, you’ll do a better job – and that concentrated-cocksucker aesthetic is super hot in and of itself!

You don’t know what to say.

How to deal:

  • Embrace that not everyone talks dirty and not everyone needs to. Maybe you can communicate everything you need to with just your eyes, and of course, your hot wet mouth.
  • If you do decide to delve into dirty-talk, keep it simple. Most people aren’t looking for a flowery dissertation while their cock’s being sucked. “You like that?” “Does that feel good?” “You want me to take you deeper into my mouth?” “You wanna come down my throat?”
  • Watch blowjob porn for inspiration. Some of my favorite dirty-talk pros are Aiden Starr, Tina Horn, Nina Hartley, and Heather Harmon.
  • Start sexting your partner more often (or at all, if sexting isn’t something the two of you already do), and pay attention to the language they use for their own body and sexual responses. They’re subtly communicating the language that turns them on.

You don’t want to swallow cum.

How to deal:

  • Tell your partner that (nicely, and without body-shaming or kink-shaming them). If they’re decent, they’ll understand.
  • Switch to a handjob toward the end of the BJ. Make sure your hands are wet from your spit (and/or add additional lubrication) so there’s not a huge difference in sensation. Have them come somewhere other than your mouth that’s acceptable to both of you – maybe on your face, your chest, or their own belly.
  • If you are okay with them coming in your mouth, but just don’t want to swallow, you can let the cum dribble out of your mouth onto them. It’s kinda messy, yeah, but they probably won’t be too bothered because they just got to come in your hot little mouth. (Maybe bring them some tissues, though!)
  • You could always go the classic route and just spit out the cum in a nearby receptable (cup, garbage can, even a tissue in a pinch). Just, again, don’t be shamey in the way that you do this. That stuff came out of their body. If you act like it’s gross, they’re going to think you find them gross… in which case, yeesh, why are you having sex with them?!

What problems do you encounter while giving blowjobs?

 

Heads up (pun definitely intended): this post was sponsored! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Intimate Intercourse: Phone Sex (Part 3)

Kate Sloan

Hello again! This is Intimate Intercourse, a series where I interview my boyfriend/Sir/Daddy, Super Sleepy Dude, about topics relating to sex and kink. This is the final part of a 3-part interview about phone sex; you can read part 1 here and part 2 here. In this last instalment, we talk about aftercare, debriefing, and embarrassing mouth malfunctions.

Kate Sloan: Tell me about phone-sex aftercare.

Super Sleepy: Yeah. This is not something that I had really done before having phone sex with you, as a practice. A lot of the phone sex I had before dating you was very vanilla phone sex, and I still think it’s important for that, but I think when you have kink plus distance plus less information, it’s really really important. We learned that pretty quickly, because we had kinky phone sex and then not enough aftercare and it didn’t feel good for you. It didn’t really feel good for me, either. It feels good in the moment and then there’s this weird disconnect afterwards. So, what have we evolved to, in terms of phone-sex aftercare? It’s pretty similar to in-person aftercare for us. Like, you know, after a little bit of breathing and clean-up and stuff, we’re very cuddly; we try to make sure that you have snacks available, water, stuff like that… What else do we do?

KS: Sometimes we talk about what we liked. But mostly we do that the next day.

SS: Right. It’s easier for you to talk about what you liked the next day, so that’s what we’ve come to with that. But even if we’re not talking about the specifics of what we liked right after the scene, we are very complimentary of one another, generally. I talk about what a good girl you were and how well you took it for me, and you talk often about what you felt, what your orgasm felt like, stuff like that. That’s a nice come-down. And then we just try to make sure that there’s enough time. Often we’re having phone sex late at night, and that means planning ahead a little bit and not starting the scene 30 minutes before we both need to be asleep for work the next day, because then you’re not building in enough time for aftercare, or you’re going to be too tired to do the aftercare properly. So have phone sex earlier, kids! That’s what I’m saying.

KS: [laughing] Time management is one of your core competencies.

SS: Time management. That’s right.

KS: Okay, one more thing – about the next-day debriefs. I feel like they’re an extension of aftercare, and also we learn from them. What are your thoughts on debriefs?

SS: I agree; they’re really, really important to me. We have phone sex a lot – I don’t know if this has been posted on the internet anywhere, if anyone knows that, but – we don’t always do it. We don’t have an 100% debrief rate. I think in the cases where we skip it or are too busy to do it or whatever, it’s usually when we’ve done a phone-sex scene that is pretty similar to a lot of other phone-sex scenes that we’ve done, so there’s not a lot new to talk about. But whenever we do anything intense, risky, new, a new roleplay scenario, more literal ageplay stuff, anything edgy for either of us, we make sure to do the debriefs, and they are emotionally really comforting and satisfying and I’m usually really proud of myself for making you feel really good, but they’re also a learning opportunity – because if we did a whole scene and I said something as a professor and you really really liked it, where can I reuse that in other contexts? Like you said earlier in the interview, maybe that context is in person. Maybe it’s in a totally different roleplay scenario, or maybe or it’s in a phone-sex scene where we’re not really doing much roleplay at all. All of that is interesting, and I especially like talking about the words that made us come. Like, what was the phrase or series of things that really pushed you over the edge? That’s a favorite phone-sex follow-up question that you should ask.

KS: Yep, that’s a good one.

SS: It’s often hard for one or both of us to remember them, but usually one of us can pull it out. There’s a lot going on at that point.

KS: Yeah, your mind goes blank.

SS: Uh-huh.

KS: Okay. I’m done. Is there anything I missed that you wanted to talk about? Or final parting words of advice?

SS: Well, yeah. I wanna ask you this: when we started dating, you said you weren’t into phone sex, right? What has been different about the phone sex that we’ve had, or what has changed in you, that you’re now more into it and having a lot of it?

KS: I think necessity was the first foot in the door of why I was willing to give it another shot, because what else would we do? Sexting is fine, but I don’t usually get off that way, and I’m usually running around, going about my day, instead of having a dedicated sexting sesh. But also, I think, my past experiences with phone sex were like, I was being expected to say more shit, and – I don’t know if it’s because I am not practiced at that skill, or just because I go nonverbal when I’m subby, so that’s really hard for me, and if I force myself to not go nonverbal, then it pulls me out of the scene. It’s just really hard for me to be both of those things at the same time. And so there was the pressure to say things – which also turns into anxiety about “Am I saying the right things?” – and also always a lot of anxiety about “taking too long to come.” I don’t really worry about that with you anymore, but I used to worry about, like, “Is he mad that he’s just been saying shit for half an hour?”

SS: Right. Definitely not. That does trigger a thing that I want to say, if you’re done. If you had another thing you wanted to say, that’s cool too.

KS: No, I think that’s the main thing. I think I just needed to find someone whose style and approach to it was compatible with me.

SS: A good match. Yeah. What I wanted to say, and I guess this is as good a parting word as any, is: if you’re talking a lot in phone sex – if you’re talking for an hour straight, or even if it is more balanced and 50-50 – you are gonna say stuff that makes no sense.

KS: [laughing]

SS: It’s a hazard of the situation. And unlike in dirty talk in physical sex, where you have something to fall back on – like maybe you’re doing a good thing with your hands, or your dick, or whatever – you don’t have that, so it can be a little bit awkward when you say the wrong thing. My advice, when that happens, is to laugh about it – it’s totally fine to giggle about it for a second – and just like, say a better thing. Just keep moving forward. Don’t be like “Oh god, no, I can’t do it!” It’s fine. You’re talking a lot. Weird syllables are gonna come out of your mouth. It’s normal.

KS: I can’t even… The only one I can think of is when you told me I was “too good for my own good.”

SS: I said that. I’ve called my cock “little” at least twice, because I was trying to call you “little” but I got my wires crossed.

KS: You use that adjective…

SS: So much.

KS: …like seasoning, so it comes up.

SS: Yeah. There’s been a bunch. There’ve been words that were not words at all, they’re just, like, garbled syllables. I hear all of them. I’m somewhat of a perfectionist about this, so I hear every mistake.

KS: I really had trouble thinking of anything, so don’t worry about it so much.

SS: In every time, there’s at least one, and eventually I’ll get them to zero. No. It’s impossible. It’s totally fine and normal.

KS: Yeah, it’s fine. Okay. Thank you, love.

SS: Thank you, little one.

Hope you enjoyed this interview! I’m hoping to do more of these in the future; we have a lot to talk about. Feel free to comment with suggestions for what you’d like to see us discuss – or your own favorite tips for phone sex!

Intimate Intercourse: Phone Sex (Part 2)

Kate Sloan

Welcome back to Intimate Intercourse, a series where I interview my boyfriend/Sir/Daddy, Super Sleepy Dude, about topics relating to sex and kink. This is part 2 of a 3-part interview about phone sex; you can read part 1 here. In this instalment, we’re talking about how we handle impact play during phone sex, logistically and emotionally. Enjoy! (Content note: we touch on self-harm in this interview, so if that’s triggering for you, definitely feel free to skip this post.)

Kate Sloan: Okay, I wanna talk about sadomasochistic things. Is that as gratifying for you over the phone as doing in-person sadistic things?

Super Sleepy: No, but only shades less. It’s better when it’s on video, in that case, I think, because a lot of the feedback of hitting someone is visual feedback, so seeing skin getting redder, seeing the actual thud or slap or whatever, is more satisfying than just hearing it. But, in the context of a full phone-sex scene, switching between audio and video is kind of distracting, and the audio is disinhibiting because you don’t have to look at video of yourself. Looking at video of yourself is inhibiting on both sides, I think. It’s like you’re forced to have sex in front of a mirror. So I tend to usually just go with the audio, because there’s less of the technical switching and there’s less of that inhibition.

KS: Yeah. I kinda would like to develop that skill of getting over that inhibition, so that’s something to think about. ‘Cause I agree that it totally makes sense, the visual feedback thing.

SS: What about for you, receiving impact via verbal commands over the phone? How does it compare?

KS: It’s very close. I think that the main difference is, there is some element of, like, I’m just not gonna hit myself as hard as a person would who can’t feel what I’m feeling, even if I’m trying really hard…

SS: Right. Because your body just won’t let you do that.

KS: Yeah. I do think that’s gotten better with practice, but yeah, it definitely was interesting to see how my body would start to respond without me even consciously being like, “Okay, time to hit myself.” It just became very ingrained.

SS: Yeah, the first few times that was happening were some highlights of our early phone-sex experiences together, when you were slapping yourself faster than you realized you could. I think, if you have somebody that you want to do sadomasochistic stuff on the phone with, and you’re topping them, one way to get them more comfortable hitting themselves harder than they think they might be able to initially is to do the same thing you would do in person, which is to walk them up an incline of that. Because if you just tell someone to hit themselves as hard as they can, how are they gonna process that? How are they gonna do that safely?

KS: Very few people like that, anyway.

SS: Right. So if you use the 1-to-10 scale, which you’ve written about a lot, and if you use dominance as part of it, if that’s part of your dynamic, to push past where it sounds like they’re really starting to feel pain, and… I ask a lot about, like, “Does that hurt, little one?” or what the pain feels like, then you can push a little bit past that, and that’s where it’s gonna start to feel, for them, I think, like they’re hitting themselves harder than they thought they could – which can be hot.

KS: Yeah. I get very nonverbal at that point, which I would imagine is hard to navigate in a phone setting.

SS: It is, yeah.

KS: How do you deal with that?

SS: In our case, the way I deal with that is gonna sound kind of silly, maybe, but a lot it is knowing what your sounds mean. It’s having hit you and fucked you and known you long enough to be able to interpret the nonverbal signals that I can still hear. I can hear the impact, I can hear the sounds that you’re making, and the other signal you can pay attention to is, how long does it take for the person to respond to the command? If they’re starting to get reluctant, that time will creep up, usually, at least in your case. And the other one is, you will start whining more when you are getting to the point of reluctance.

KS: What do you mean?! I always follow orders!

SS: Sure you do, little one. You’re very good.

KS: We had to kind of develop the system that we use for sadomasochistic stuff over the phone. Do you want to describe what we do?

SS: Sure, okay. So, when we start doing impact play over the phone, what that usually looks like is, we pick an implement – could be a hand, could be a paddle, could be a truncheon, whatever – and then we pick and agree on a spot on your body that you’re gonna hit yourself. Sometimes it’s your thighs – usually it’s your thighs – sometimes it’s your face, if it’s face-slapping… and then we pick an intensity. We used to always start at 1 out of 10 as the intensity; more recently, we’ve started at different spots, depending on the action before that in the scene, and stuff. And then we also developed a consistent word that we use to mean “you’re gonna hit yourself right now,” and that word is just “now,” because it is short, and it cuts through a lot of other sounds. It’s single-syllable and it tends to work well and it can be repeated quickly without getting kind of crunched together. Gotta hit the “N” pretty hard, but it’s doable.

KS: [giggling]

SS: It’s gonna sound like, “Alright, little one. Are you ready to hit yourself for me?” You’ll say, “Yes, Sir,” and then I’ll say, “Okay, you’re gonna start at a 1 for me, right?” and you’ll say, “Yes, Sir,” and then I’ll say, “Okay. Now.” And then there’ll probably be a bunch of “Nows” while I kind of calibrate what the implement is sounding like on that part of your body, because the distance of the microphone from that spot on your body changes, whether you’re using headphones or not changes, so I need to get a sense for what that “1” sounds like before I feel comfortable hitting you harder than that.

KS: Yeah.

SS: Then we’ve also developed a way to do more than one hit at once, so that I don’t have to say “Now” 15 times in a row if I want to hit you 15 times in a row. So I would just say, “Alright, I want you to hit yourself 15 times, at that intensity. Can you do that for me, little one?” You’d say, “Yes, Sir,” and then I would say “Now,” and you know that that means hit yourself that number of times. And then we use “Again” to do repeated commands. So there’s a whole kind of language or vocabulary that we’ve built together to simplify doing these scenes, so I don’t have to explain exactly what I want because we’ve done it a bunch.

KS: Yeah, I really like it. It feels very connective.

SS: Right. And then if you wanna go up in intensity, you can just say, “Alright, you’re gonna hit yourself at a 3 for me,” and then we’ve jumped up to a 3 and we can kind of keep going at that level with a bunch more “Nows.”

KS: You always wait for the “Yes, Sir.” Why’s that?

SS: Um, that’s consent. See everything ever written about it.

KS: [giggling] Yeah. True. We have another thing like that, though, which is “squeeze.”

SS: Uh-huh.

KS: I don’t even remember how that started, originally.

SS: How it started? I don’t know if I have the origin story of “squeeze” either. [both giggling a lot] I will say, it’s an incredibly useful thing to have. Not as useful as you, little one. It’s just up there. It’s in my toolbox. “Squeeze” is another agreed-upon trigger word that we use when I want you to squeeze your PC muscles. Right?

KS: [audibly blushing] Uh-huh.

SS: Uh-huh.

KS: I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m just giggling a lot. It’s fine.

SS: So, if you’re having phone sex with somebody, really regardless of parts, I think this would be useful. Just being able to tell them to tense up those muscles is really useful when you have something inside of them and you want them to squeeze around it, or you want to hear the sound that they would make if you were inside them and they were squeezing on you. And just like I repeat the “Now” trigger in impact-play scenarios, you can speed up those squeezes. If somebody’s getting close to coming, you can make them squeeze faster, and kind of tip them over that edge.

KS: [giggling] It’s very good. It’s very good for D/s things.

SS: Tell me more about that.

KS: Because it’s like, involuntary at this point.

SS: So what happens if I say it right now? Like this: Squeeze.

KS: [giggling a lot] Yeah. I mean, it works.

SS: Uh-huh.

KS: It’s like a hypnotic trigger, but I don’t think you actually set it up that way.

SS: No. I think it’s more just conditioning at this point.

KS: Yeah. ‘Cause usually there’s some kind of reward for that, even if it’s just the sensation of it.

SS: Yeah, there’s often a verbal reward, though, too.

KS: Yeah.

SS: Squeeze.

KS: Hey!

SS: Good girl. Like that! I’m just demoing.

KS: Okay… Okay, back to the hitting.

SS: Back to the hitting.

KS: Some people would say that it’s essentially self-harm, because I’m hitting myself. What do you think about that?

SS: I am not an expert on the topic, at all. I know that we’ve talked about that and both of us don’t consider it self-harm, because it’s collaborative, and we have safety measures in place, and it’s two consenting adults. I don’t think we’ve run into a scenario where there’s any lasting harm that’s been done by doing impact play over the phone. Correct me if I’m wrong.

KS: No, I don’t think so.

SS: Yeah. But there are risks. The things that make me nervous about stuff on the phone – hypnosis stuff, impact play stuff – are like, I can’t be there if something goes wrong. I think about that a lot. Some things that I’ve done to make myself feel better and you safer, hopefully, are having the closest hospital to your apartment in my phone…

KS: Aww, I didn’t know that!

SS: Right, I forgot to tell you that. Like, knowing your roommate’s phone number incase there was an emergency and you passed out or hit yourself too hard or something like that. Just something that I can do in the case where something goes wrong, because if I was just hung up on, after I told you to hit yourself at an 8 or a 9, I would be panicking. If I couldn’t immediately reach you again, I would want to escalate that, because that could be a safety issue.

KS: Right. Yeah. I also think there have been times when we have done it as a way of avoiding me self-harming. Which is kind of whack, because I’m essentially doing the same thing I would be doing, but psychologically it feels very different to me.

SS: Yeah. How does it feel different psychologically?

KS: When I used to do self-impact for self-harm, it was like I was trying to escape my feelings by giving myself something else to focus on. But I feel like when I do pain stuff with you, it’s like I’m very deliberately choosing to focus on the pain, and also on the emotions that it brings up. I’m deliberately going into them instead of trying to avoid them. And also it’s directed by someone else, so I’m not gonna escalate too quickly or do more than I can handle.

SS: Yeah. I would add that if you’re doing impact play with somebody that does use that for self-harm, and you feel like they’re in a place where they might want the pain for those types of reasons, definitely have these types of conversations – because if they’re asking you for more, you want to know what that “more” means, and that it’s not destructive.

The 3rd and final part of this interview will go up on Friday. In it, we discuss aftercare, debriefs, and the inherent silliness of phone sex. Thanks for reading!

10 Things I’ve Learned From 10 Years of Sex

Kate Sloan

Ten years ago today, I made my sexual debut with a rainbow-haired girl in a sweltering attic bedroom. I prefer this phrasing – “made my sexual debut” – over the more traditional “lost my virginity,” because, as many wise people have pointed out before me, virginity is a construct that serves only to bolster the patriarchy, alienate queer folks and other sexual “deviants,” and disconnect us from our own bodily autonomy. It shouldn’t be the huge deal our culture makes it into – and yet, I also acknowledge that it was a huge deal for me. I felt different the next day, like things had shifted. They had. And they’ve continued to.

Here are 10 big lessons I’ve learned in 10 years of having sex…

Sex with men isn’t necessarily terrifying. The thought of sex with dudes gave me terrible anxiety for years before I tried it. Granted, this was partly because I was further toward the gay end of the sexuality spectrum at that point, but it was also a fear of the unknown. I had bought into media myths about how men are unreasonably horny cads who “only want one thing.” Yeah, there are men like that, but most of the ones I’ve dated and/or fucked have been comparatively lovely. I’m much more inclined now to view men as individual, variable humans than as part of an unsettling monolithic group – and my sex life is better as a result.

All genitals are basically similar. Speaking of “We’re not that different, you and I…” – it was revelatory for me to learn, from sex ed books and general experimentation, that the analogous tissues in vulvas and penises have way more similarities than mainstream media would have you believe. This anatomical knowledge helps me map, in broad strokes, my own bodily self-knowledge onto other people’s bodies, even if they look quite different from mine. It’s much easier to navigate other people’s genitals when I’m mostly thinking about how each feature relates to my own, and how each part likes to be touched.

Sex isn’t love, and love isn’t sex. It’s almost embarrassing to have had to learn something that seems like it should be so obvious. Mainstream media mocks women (and anyone, really, but mostly women) who confuse sex for love, so it took me a while to even realize I was making this mistake, because I considered myself above it. But there have been multiple times in my sexual career when sexual compatibility (or even just one really good fuck) has equipped me with rose-tinted glasses, rounding up decent sex into star-crossed romance. An ex-boyfriend from 2017 told me when he was breaking up with me that “aside from our sex life and our intellectual connection, we don’t really have anything in common,” and it took me many months to understand what he was trying to say: that good sex and good repartée weren’t enough to build a relationship on. My current relationship is fulfilling both sexually and romantically, and I feel I’ve gotten better at recognizing that type of connection when it’s there – and recognizing when it isn’t there.

“Why” is just as important as “what.” I’ve learned this lesson particularly with regards to kink, though it really applies to all forms of sex. You can’t really know someone’s sexuality just by knowing which activities they like to do; you have to know why they like to do them. For example, some people enjoy being spanked because they like feeling punished or humiliated; I, on the other hand, like it because I like feeling focused on, and I enjoy the meditative and cathartic elements of consensual pain. If you know what acts someone likes, you can give them a satisfying experience on the physical level – but to satisfy them more deeply, more electrically, you need to know why they like what they like. Likewise: you’re unlikely to find deep satisfaction for yourself through kink and sex unless you know specifically what motivates you to pursue these things.

Giving pleasure can be delicious. I was a very bottomy bottom when I first started having sex: my first-ever friendship-with-benefits was basically a year and a half of her going down on me, because that’s what we both were into. We had fun, but those experiences left me with a skewed understanding of sexuality. I wasn’t sure how to get pleasure out of giving pleasure, because I had never really done it. It took years of further experimentation with other people – and, eventually, discovering bliss through blowjobs – for me to realize all I’d been missing out on. Now I’m much more egalitarian in my approach to sex, and being a servicey good girl is key to my kinks.

“Romantic sex” is whatever you say it is. The traditional concept of “making love” is all about slowness, gentleness, meaningful eye contact, and whispered I-love-yous. It never appealed to me much, because – spoiler alert – I’m kinky as fuck, and like rough sex. It took me many years to figure out that kinky sex can be romantic too. I’ve rarely felt as loved or in love as I do when a partner’s just consensually pushed me to my masochistic limits, or spent 40 slow minutes working me up to take his fist little by little. If you expand your idea of what constitutes “romance” in sex, you expand your capacity to feel love, and that’s a beautiful thing.

Communication is crucial. I was very lucky that my first sexual partner was a sex nerd like me. We liked to stay up late on MSN Messenger, deconstructing our latest sex session in excruciating detail and planning what we wanted to try the next time. That relationship set the tone for all my sexcapades going forward: I not only enjoyed sexual communication, but actively craved it and needed it to feel fully comfortable and satisfied by sex. Whether we’re negotiating a session before it happens, discussing adjustments mid-bang, or debriefing after the fact, I always appreciate the opportunity to talk about sex with the people I’m fucking. Far from “killing the moment” or “ruining the magic” as popular discourse would have us believe, it makes everything so much smoother and hotter.

Kink transcends the bedroom. Earlier this year, I had a deliciously kink-nerdy conversation with my boyfriend in a fancy cocktail bar. We were discussing whether our D/s dynamic is technically 24/7 or not – and we came to the conclusion that it is, because even though we’re not “in role” all the time, he is always, on some higher level, the boss of me. I have the freedom to say no to anything at any time, but I have consensually given him my power, and we’re both always aware of that as we move through our lives together and apart. “I used to hear about 24/7 D/s relationships on shows like Sex is Fun and think, ‘That’s not for me; that’s not what I want,'” I told my boyfriend incredulously. “I thought that too!” he said. “And yet, here we are.” I’ve learned that submission is more satisfying for me when it extends outside of sex. I want to please someone so much more in a sexual scenario if pleasing them is also part of our connection more generally, our relationship, my daily life. This is part of the reason one-night stands don’t really appeal to me anymore!

Sex amplifies emotions. For me, anyway. I know not everyone is wired this way, and some people even get offended when you imply sex is connected to feelings. I personally have never really been able to separate sex from my emotions, and I no longer really want to try. Kink can stir up catharsis; bad sex can ruin an otherwise harmonious relationship; good sex can make me think I like someone more than I actually do. This isn’t to say I necessarily fall in love with everyone who fucks me well – I’ve been banging my current FWB for over a year, for example, and the most I ever feel toward him is a profound but platonic fondness – but the link between my sexuality and my feelings is important for me to keep in mind when I’m deciding which sexual experiences to pursue. It’s part of why I eschew sex on the first date now, and it’s why I tend to avoid kink with new partners on emotionally precarious days. Self-awareness is so helpful!

There is always more to learn about sex. I’ve been a professional sex writer for over six years and I still constantly discover new kinks, new subcultures, new sexual acts, new relationship styles, and new sexual communication tricks. This is largely what drew me to my career path: the sense that sexuality is infinite, and infinitely interesting. I don’t think I’ll ever stop growing and changing as a sexual person. Unlike the Buddhists, who believe desire is a torturous trap, I believe to want things is to be uplifted, inspired, and propelled forward. I hope I keep developing new desires for the rest of my life.

What did you learn in your first decade of having sex?

8 Strategies For Taking More (Consensual) Pain

Kate Sloan
Photo of me and Suz by Taylor J Mace

They say that if there’s something in your life you don’t like, you can either change the thing itself, or change your attitude about it. That’s an idealistic oversimplification when it comes to complex issues like poverty or chronic illness – but if we’re talkin’ consensual pain, then yes, I find changing my mindset makes all the difference in the world.

My first forays into consensual pain were mild spankings – first, with a long-term boyfriend, and later, with a super-kinky FWB. Almost as soon as the sensation veered from “scarcely noticeable” into “actually painful,” I would call an end to it. It didn’t feel good, so I couldn’t enjoy it. Right?

I’m sure this is true for many people, and no one should feel pressured to pursue sexual experiences they don’t actually enjoy or want. But in my case, I had Kink Feelingz about the idea of taking pain, so I wanted to keep trying. I was determined that my pain tolerance in reality would one day catch up to my pain tolerance in fantasy.

So I started learning and practicing what I call cognitive strategies for dealing with pain. I’ve helped a number of baby-kinkster friends through their initial adventures in masochism, and I think, in many cases, mental strategies help more than physical adjustments (although both can be helpful). Here are 8 tricks I’ve picked up that help me when I want to take a lot of pain; they’re not new or revolutionary, but they work for me.

1. Establish safewords and safe-signals. This is a 101-level kink safety requirement, but beyond being necessary to keep all participants safe, I also find these tools help me take more pain. When utilized with a communication-savvy partner who reads my body well and checks in as needed, these tools can help me moderate the sensation I’m receiving without breaking role or feeling pulled out of the moment. Try these:

  • The top can ask, “Where was that last hit on a scale from 1 to 10?” The bottom rates the hit. Then the top has a better sense of the bottom’s current pain tolerance, and can ask useful follow-up questions like, “Where would you like to be, on a scale from 1 to 10?” or “Do you think you could take a 7 for me right now?”
  • The top can ask, “What color are you?” and the bottom can answer either green (“I’m fine; you can continue”), yellow (“I’m okay but I need you to slow down/decrease the intensity”), or red (“I need you to stop immediately”).
  • You can develop a nonverbal communication strategy, e.g. the bottom taps the top’s leg/arm if they want the sensation to slow down, and squeezes it if they want more sensation. (This approach doesn’t work great for me because I tend to do these things involuntarily while receiving pain, but if you have more control over your body at that time, you might find this a useful technique.)

Notice that these strategies only ever require one-word answers from the bottom, if that. Pain can put a lot of people into a nonverbal headspace, so adapting your communication strategies in this way can help make sure everyone is safe and getting what they want, even when the bottom doesn’t entirely have their wits about them.

2. Warm up properly. This is less a cognitive strategy and more of a physical one, although really, when done well, it’s both. I can’t delve straight into an intense spanking sans warmup, both because my body isn’t ready for it and because my mind isn’t.

Regardless of what kind of pain you’re playing with (spanking, face-slapping, E-stim, nipple clamps, what have you), you can warm up by starting the pain at a mild level and slowly increasing it as the bottom goes deeper into subspace and can handle more. (As a top, if you’re not sure if the bottom is ready for more, the above communication tools are ideal for figuring that out.)

Note that some people prefer pain to feel “too” intense too quickly, and may want to skip warmup for this reason. I would only recommend this for people who already know their body’s pain responses pretty well, though.

3. Breathe. You hear this “tip” at every yoga class and in every meditation video. If you’re anything like me, you get a little annoyed by it after a while. I know, I know. Breathe deeply, you’ll think with an irritated eye-roll.

However, controlling my breathing has been one of the most useful skills I’ve learned in increasing my pain tolerance (there’s even scientific backing for this). I think that’s mostly because it gives me something to focus on that isn’t the pain, and lets me feel like I’m doing something, rather than just helplessly, hopelessly suffering.

Experiment with different breathing patterns to find what works for you. Personally, I like to take long, slow, deep, steadily rhythmic breaths through my nose. Sometimes my rhythm gets messed up when I get hit particularly hard, but I just try to remind myself to refocus on my breathing, and that helps a great deal.

Note: a bottom who uses breathing techniques to get through pain might find it disruptive to be told to count impacts out loud, repeat mantras, answer a top’s frequent questions, etc. If you are a top who likes to ask bottoms a lot of questions or make them count aloud, maybe check in beforehand with each bottom to see if they think that practice will fuck with their ability to modulate their pain the way they prefer.

4. Establish finite limits to the pain. I find this helpful for the same reason it’s helpful to know the length of a long-distance race before you run it: discomfort is so much worse when you have no idea when it’ll end.

This is not to say you have to start a scene by announcing, say, “I’m going to spank you for exactly thirty minutes”! For me, the quantification of pain often happens on a smaller scale during a scene. For example:

  • “I’m going to hit you really hard 5 more times, and then we’ll be done.”
  • “Think you can take 10 more hits like that?”
  • “I’m only going to hit you for one more minute. You can keep an eye on the clock if you want.”
  • “If you can get through another 30 seconds of pain, you’ll have earned lots of cuddles and chocolate.”
  • “You’re getting 25 more hits – unless you make another bratty remark, in which case, your punishment will be much worse.” (I learned this technique from spanking fetishist extraordinaire Jillian Keenan, who recommends it as a way of indirectly inquiring about a bottom’s limits without breaking D/s roles. Brilliant.)

Note: some bottoms prefer the chaotic unknown. Having no idea when a scene will end may increase their sense of fear in a way they find hot and/or cathartic. As with many of these tips, you can clarify your approach as a top by asking your bottom lots of questions about what they like about receiving pain, what specific feelings they’re seeking when they crave pain, how they conceptualize their pain, etc.

5. Use rhythm. This is a super contentious point amongst bottoms, I find. Ask 10 masochistic bottoms how they feel about rhythm versus randomness when they take pain, and you’re likely to get 10 different answers.

Personally, I find it so much easier to take large amounts of pain if it’s occurring at steady intervals. Randomness causes my body to tense up erratically, so I can never really relax or breathe deeply or give myself over to endorphin-y subspace in the way I prefer to.

That said, I’ve met many bottoms who find it exciting and hot to have no clue when the next hit will land (or the next zap, punch, scratch, etc.) – so now, when I’m topping, I usually ask bottoms beforehand whether they like their pain to be rhythmic or not. It’s a seemingly small thing but it can make a huge difference.

6. Remember why you’re doing this. As with any kind of suffering in life – consensual or not – it’s easier to get through pain if it feels like it’s for a specific reason, and you believe that reason is a good one.

As a bottom, sometimes I’m taking pain to impress a top, to serve them, to show them how good I can be for them. Sometimes pain is a tool we’re using to achieve a certain effect, like bringing me into subspace, turning me on, or giving me bruises we can admire later. Sometimes pain is a punishment, sometimes it’s a reward, sometimes it’s a fun bonding activity… It can be so many different things, and it helps to clarify, before any given session, what it is going to mean on that particular day.

As a top, here are some examples of how you can remind your bottom mid-scene of their pain’s purpose. As always, adapt these approaches to fit your bottom’s specific tastes and motivations for enjoying pain, which you can find out by – spoiler alert! – asking them.

  • “I love seeing you in pain like this. You’re taking it so well.”
  • “This’ll teach you not to [do x thing they’re being punished for] again, won’t it?”
  • “You love how subspacey and turned-on you get when I hit you, don’t you?”
  • “I wonder how much more you can take for me.”
  • “Your bruises are going to look so pretty for me once we’re done.”

7. Repeat an affirmation. (Also known as a mantra, though I’m trying to use this term less because some say it’s culturally appropriative.) I find this useful for many of the same reasons I find rhythmic breathing useful: it gives me something to focus on that isn’t the pain, and feels like a life preserver I can cling to in a hopeless, roiling sea of pain.

The two phrases I’ve thought most often during spankings are “no moment is unendurable” (originally from David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest) and “this too shall pass.” The latter has been so useful for me in so many situations that I have it tattooed on my wrists – a handy placement, ’cause I can hold my upturned hands out in front of me during a spanking and read my ink over and over to help me get through the pain!

As a top, if you know your bottom finds these repeated affirmations helpful, you can give them one and tell them to think it or say it over and over while you hurt them. For example, my partner sometimes asks me mid-scene, “What are you?” and my ritualized answer is, “I’m your helpless little slut.” It helps recenter and refocus me on my desire to serve him, which can be nice when we’re doing something I find challenging. You can also just repeat a phrase at them if there’s one you think they’d find helpful – e.g. “You’re a good girl,” “Take a little more for me,” “You’re doing so well,” “You get what you deserve,” and so on. (Not to sound like a broken record, but you should really inquire about your bottom’s motivations for enjoying pain before you try this; telling a punishment slut they’re a good boy, for example, is unlikely to be effective.)

8. Focus on another sensation elsewhere in your body. I had a partner last year who would often put one hand on my lower back while the other spanked me. It was ostensibly just to steady himself so he could aim better, but it had the unforeseen (for me) effect of increasing my pain tolerance – because whenever the sting on my ass got too intense, I would just reroute my focus to my partner’s warm hand on my back. That touch felt so loving compared to the wallops of pain his other hand was serving up, and even that small cognitive adjustment helped me tune out the pain and focus on the affection that fuelled it.

I’ve sometimes found it helpful to bite my lip or dig my nails into my arm while getting spanked, because that less-intense pain helped draw my focus away from the spanking when it became almost too much to bear. A similar effect is achieved when a partner lets me hold a vibrator against my clit while they hit me, or allows me to grind against their lap.

Even if there’s no deliberate touch going on except for the pain, you can still focus on other tactile sensations: the bed underneath you holding up your weight, your clothes (if any) sliding against your skin, a collar tight against your throat. You can bring your mind back to the pain when you’re ready, but tuning it out for even just a few moments can help you get through a difficult interlude when you need to.

What strategies do you like for enduring (or helping a partner endure) consensual pain?