How-To

How to Make Rideable Sex Toys More Accessible for Bodies with Limitations

Kate Sloan
Photos by Epiphora, of me riding her Sybian in 2015 (while eating pizza, natch)

Rideable sex toys, like the infamous Sybian (pictured above) and its contemporary the MotorBunny, offer some delightful advantages over standard handheld toys. Namely:

  1. Using one of these toys is a hands-free method of receiving pleasure, so you can do other stuff while you ride it: finger somebody/give somebody a handjob, play with your nipples, or whatever your pervy little heart desires.
  2. Many people enjoy the humping/grinding motion that these toys allow for. It engages more muscles than the standard supine masturbation position, which can result in more satisfying orgasms for some users.
  3. It’s easier to apply more pressure to your genitals with a rideable vibe, because you’re working with gravity, grinding down on the toy, rather than having to intensely press a vibe against your body manually, which can tire out your hands/arms.
  4. Rideable toys are often more powerful than handheld vibrators, largely because many of them are powered electrically (as opposed to being rechargeable or battery-operated).
  5. Some people consider it visually hot to see someone writhing atop a rideable vibe. Long-distance couples, or couples who just enjoy voyeuristic/exhibitionistic play, might enjoy adding this type of toy to their repertoire.
  6. Depending on your specific disability/limitation(s), a rideable toy might be more accessible than handheld toys, because it can be ridden hands-free.

That last point, however, is debatable and highly variable. I, for example, have always struggled to use rideable vibrators, because of how my fibromyalgia impacts flexibility (or lack thereof) and pain in my knees, hips, and elbows. For the most part, I’d rather lie back and be a pillow princess when I jerk off!

That being said, I have picked up a few tricks over the years that make rideable vibes more accessible to me – so I thought I’d share those today, for the benefit of anybody who has similar struggles and would like to be able to use these vibes more comfortably. Your mileage may vary with all of these, of course, but I hope they help!

Put pillows everywhere

Pillows are often my first line of defense when dealing with a sexual accessibility issue. Giving a blowjob on a hardwood floor? Pillow under my knees, please! Receiving an over-the-knee spanking? I need a pillow to lay my head on, thanks! And by the same token, rideable vibrators are a lot easier for me to use if there’s a pillow under each knee, and ideally also a pillow where each of my elbows would land if I got onto all fours. Hey, a girl’s gotta have options!

Lean forward onto all fours

While I’m on the subject… Sometimes I do this when I want to take some pressure off my knees for a while, and it helps a lot. It also changes up the angle and pressure of the toy against my junk, providing a nice variation in sensation. Incidentally also offers a nice view for any spectators, especially if they happen to enjoy butts…

Use it on a bed + lean on the headboard

Make sure to check your vibe’s instruction manual before doing this, because some of them need to be used on hard floors only, for safety/mechanics reasons – but certain rideable toys can be hauled up onto a bed, which gives you some built-in cushioning for your joints and also might afford you access to a headboard, onto which you can displace some of your weight. (This is the only way I’m ever able to sit on anybody’s face these days, tbh… Thank heavens for the humble headboard, enabler of horny acrobatics!)

Kinkify it

You’ve heard the phrase “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em”… and similarly, when it comes to pain, I sometimes feel like: If I can’t beat it, I might as well make it hot. Kink is a way to do that!

It’s debatable whether rideable vibes can be considered kink toys in and of themselves (and here’s a comprehensive guide on BDSM gear if you need it!), but they can certainly be utilized in kinky ways. I am often more able to endure pain if I know my dominant wants me to endure it, and that’s true of both pain my dom gives me directly, and pain that my body generates all on its own. For instance, I could see it being hot if a dom (who was otherwise totally compassionate about my illness) instructed me to stay on a rideable vibe for a few minutes longer than I’d prefer, just because they enjoyed the visual so much and wanted to get off on it. 🥵 Sign me up!

 

Fellow babes with disabilities/limitations, what other methods have you found for making rideable vibrators more accessible?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Ways to Ask a New Partner About Your Favorite Kink(s)

Kate Sloan
Or you could do what I do and just flag your kinks/sexuality on your leather jacket… (Photo by mb)

The best advice I ever got was from my late grandmother, who used to say to me: “You don’t ask, you don’t get.”

The more time that has passed, the more useful and true I have found this to be. How could I have known, without pitching them, that the Magic Wand company would happily commission me to make a podcast miniseries about their product? How could I have known that the “Twitter admirer” I later married indeed wanted to make out with me on our first date, if I hadn’t asked her? How could I have found beautiful apartments to live in, rad new publications to write for, or new friends in improv classes, if I hadn’t had the guts to reach out and ask for what I wanted?

I think this advice applies across the board in life, but of course, as a sex-&-relationships nerd, I’m most inclined to implement it in those areas. It’s especially useful to ask for what you want in bed when you’ve just started talking to someone new – whether you met them through mutual friends, over social media, or on the best dating app for LGBTQ in USA – because it can help you quickly filter out people you’re not compatible with, thereby being able to move onto more suitable prospects sooner. No sense in dragging out a doomed connection, if you ask me!

I know asking for what you want is hard as fuck, though, so here are 5 of my favorite tried-and-true methods of raising a beloved kink with a new person:

“Have you ever tried ___?”

I like this because it’s simple, effective, and direct, without being like, “Do you want to ___ with me right now?!” which runs the risk of scaring people off, even if they might otherwise warm up to what you’re asking. When you inquire about someone’s experience level with a particular kink or dynamic, you might learn that they’re horrified by the very idea, or you might instead learn that they’ve tried it several times and have very specific thoughts on how they’d like to do it next. Again, you never know until you ask!

“Have you seen [insert media property here]? What did you think of that scene where ___?”

One of the many joys of consuming great media (and sometimes even subpar media): it can be an easy gateway into conversations we want to have about sex and relationships. Whether you’re ascertaining a new beau’s stance on spanking by citing Secretary, sleuthing out a partner’s feelings on lifestyle D/s by invoking Fifty Shades of Grey, or assessing someone’s views on polyamory through the lens of Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, media references are a fabulously low-pressure way to dig into the conversations you want to be having.

“What do you think some people find hot about ___?”

This one is best utilized when talking to a sex nerd, someone who seems inclined to puzzle through the mysteries of the human sexual psyche with you. You can parlay a theoretical conversation about kink motivations into a more direct and personal conversation about your own kink motivations – if they don’t recoil at the very thought of the kink you’re pondering, which unfortunately can happen sometimes. This is also a good way to gauge someone’s general sex-positivity and empathy toward those with different sexualities from them.

“Would you ever wanna ___ with me?”

A bigger (and scarier) swing than a lot of these more indirect approaches, for sure, but sometimes the moment calls for that! I like this particular phrasing because it’s less urgently pressurey than “Do you wanna ___ [right now/tomorrow/next weekend]?” and it’s bolder and clearer than a vague “How do you feel about ___?” This phrasing also leaves the door open for them to raise any concerns or caveats they may have: “You know, I’d love to, but only if we [keep the lights off/pre-negotiate our aftercare needs/have experimental jazz blaring in the background]!”

“Can I show you a hot porn clip where ___? Then, if you want, you can show me a video you like!”

You’re definitely gonna wanna ‘read the room’ on this one, since some people would be aghast at the mere mention of watching porn with a partner, let alone kinky porn… but if your sweetheart seems open-minded, a co-curated smut screening can be a good way to open up to each other about your desires, without having to use your words. (Although, ideally, you would then use your words when negotiating the specifics of what you want to do together.) And naturally, porn is meant to arouse, so it functions as great foreplay for whatever comes next!

 

What are your favorite methods of bringing up kinks with new people you’re seeing?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Bottoming is a Skill! (+ some tips on how to build it)

Kate Sloan
Photos by mb, of me finding out that Nick Jonas was performing in the Miscast video we were watching, lol

I am a good reactor. That is to say, I am good at reacting to things. I used to think this wasn’t even a skill – but through sex, kink, and comedy, I’ve learned that it absolutely is.

Over the course of a typical week, I’ll attend at least one improv show, and have kinky phone sex with a partner at least once. While these two activities occur in different places, contexts, and headspaces, in many ways I bring the same skills to the table for both: I dial up my natural reactions slightly, making more noise than I would if I was alone, because my responses serve a social function. They communicate what I’m enjoying, which helps the partner or performer hone their approach over time; they encourage any others present to react more openly too – and perhaps most crucially of all, they provide positive feedback which can make someone feel good, motivated, and appreciated.

Audience members at comedy shows might think they matter less than the performers they came to see, but without attentive audiences, performers simply couldn’t do what they do, or at least wouldn’t enjoy it nearly as much. And by the same principle, when you’re bottoming (i.e. receiving sensation) in a kink scene, you might feel like you’re “not really doing anything” and like your top is “doing all the work” – when, in fact, it’s your receptiveness and reactivity that’s making their “work” feel like play! They might even feel lucky to get to top someone like you.

Suffice it to say: Bottoms aren’t just punching bags and cock sleeves – we’re a living, breathing, positive feedback loop, with skills worth boasting about. How do you build those skills, though? I could talk about this for hours, but here are 3 quick tips from my years of bottoming:

Amplify your reactions

A lot of people learn to be ultra-quiet when receiving pleasure (or pain, for that matter) while growing up, so for some of us, it may not come naturally to make noise at first. However, you can practice this skill, like anything else.

Moaning (or gasping, whimpering, etc.) is not automatically inauthentic just because you consciously choose to do it. You’re merely turning up the volume on your natural reactions to make them more legible to your top, which they will find both hot and useful. It gets easier the more that you do it, I swear. (And if you hate making noise in a silent room, put some music/white noise/rain sounds on, for fuck’s sake!)

Unlearn your people-pleaser tendencies

If you, like me, struggle with a compulsion to always say ‘yes’ and do what people expect of you, you might just be a people-pleaser. It’s an understandable maladaptation, but when it comes to bottoming, it can corrode the connection between you and your top. In order to play safely, they need to trust that you will safeword or say ‘no’ if you want/need to – which means you have to be able to say ‘no,’ even to someone you really like, and even when you’re incoherent from subspace.

I needed a few years of trauma therapy to address this issue, but even just saying ‘no’ to your partner about innocuous things (e.g. “Do you want Mexican food tonight?” “No, I had Mexican food last night…”) can be good practice. Work that muscle until it’s strong!

Ask yourself why

When something feels good during sex/kink, either physically or psychologically, ask yourself why that is. In other words, ask yourself what you liked about it, and file your answers away. Do the same for anything you decidedly don’t like – what made it unpleasant for you? You can share this info with tops as needed.

One of the things tops have consistently complimented me on is that I know what I like/want/need – but it took a lot of work for me to get to that point! Self-knowledge is often hard-won, and expressing that self-knowledge to someone else can feel super vulnerable – but that’s part of what makes kink such a beautiful practice: it invites us to know ourselves and our partners better, to see different sides of ourselves, to uncover the deep ‘whys’ of our own pleasures and joys.

Fellow bottoms, what other skills do you think are important for us to hone?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Ways to Practice Dirty Talk… Outside of the Bedroom

Kate Sloan
Photo courtesy of mb

Dirty talk intimidates a lot of folks, for the same reason many people would be terrified to get on a stage and do improv: “What do I say?! And what if I make a fool of myself and get laughed at?”

But as with improv, it gets easier the more that you practice, I promise. Here are 4 quick suggestions of settings ‘n’ situations that lend themselves well to dirty-talk drills…

 

1. Talk out loud when you masturbate

Often, the least intimidating way to try something new sexually is to incorporate it into solo sex first. To quote my own book: “Hey, even world-class actors rehearse in private before performing for an audience!”

You could describe the fantasies flitting through your mind, say the things you wish a partner would say to you, or just narrate what you’re physically doing. The point is to get used to saying the words, without filtering yourself too much. If you get stuck, just pretend to be your favorite porn star (or the hottest dirty-talker from your sexual history), and say what they would say!

 

2. Read erotica aloud to one another

This is often easier than coming up with your own original material, as it were, because it gives you plausible deniability: “Oh, it wasn’t me who dreamed up those filthy ideas – it was the author, whose words I was simply reciting!” 😇

But this also gives you practice saying sexy words out loud, and lets you appreciate your partner’s reactions to the hottest parts, which may motivate you to try your hand at dirty talk without a script someday.

 

3. Text your partner “I was just thinking about…”

Sexting is lower-pressure than dirty-talking aloud for many people, so you could always start there. I’ll sometimes tell my partner what I fantasized about during a masturbation session earlier that day, or I might describe a hot erotica story I read or cool porn clip I watched.

Sure, sometimes I feel a flash of shame as I convey these things – that’s natural, in a sex-negative world that frequently punishes authentic expressions of desire – but that’s why it’s good to practice. The more shame I work through, the less of it I feel.

 

4. Fantasize together at a sex shop

Sometimes, when words fail you, it can be helpful to shop sex toys together – the objects on the shelves act as inspiration, much like the ‘suggestion’ that prompts an improv scene!

Weave through the aisles with your sweetheart and point out products that catch your eye, whispering to each other if you dare: “I’d love to bend you over and use that paddle on you.” “Your cock would look so good sinking into that stroker.” “I’d hold that vibe on you until your eyes rolled back in your head.” 😈 Maybe you’ll buy something, maybe not – but the communication you’ll open up between the two of you is priceless.

 

What are your favorite ways to practice talking dirty when you feel a little rusty at it?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How (& Why) to Try Financial Domination in Your Relationship

Kate Sloan

Financial domination (a.k.a. findom) is a widely misunderstood kink, often thought to be the sole domain of sex workers – and while SWs are obviously total pros at it (literally!), findom can also be done within personal relationships. I would know, because I’ve done it in mine!

So, whether you decide to bring up this kink with a current partner, or seek out a new one on a findom dating site, here are my top tips for trying findom…

 

Figure out your “why”

It’s understandable if findom holds no appeal for you, especially in these economically precarious times. However, if there is some part of you that feels intrigued by this kink, it’s good to ponder why, and then discuss your answer(s) with your partner(s).

To jump-start your thinking, here are some common reasons financial domination turns people on:

  • Power: At its simplest, findom is about power exchange, same as any other type of dominance-&-submission play. Money is power in our society, and so, when you give your money away, you are giving away some of your power. Some people find that very hot – and likewise, some people find it equally hot to be given that power, either freely or through (consensual, play-acted) “force.”
  • Objectification: Being objectified (or objectifying someone else) is a popular kink which can take many forms, and findom is one of them. In her book Mating in Captivity, for instance, couples’ therapist Esther Perel writes about a husband who struggled to see his wife in a sexual light after their kids were born, because of his (very common) Madonna/whore complex. Perel recommended they “introduce a little healthy objectification” into their sex life, so the wife told her husband she’d give him an “involved, prolonged, great blowjob”… for a hundred bucks. And it worked! It helped him to see her as a sexual being again, instead of as “just” the mother of his children.
  • Cuckolding: Some people incorporate findom into their cuck kink, by (for example) paying for their partner to go on a date with someone else, or buying them fancy lingerie for said date. Money can massively raise the stakes on such interactions.
  • Alleviating guilt/shame about money: My partner makes significantly more money than me, and I sometimes feel bad when she buys me nice things or takes me nice places, because I worry that she feels obligated, or that I shouldn’t be such a spoiled princess. But through findom, we can recast these kindnesses as part of our kink dynamic, which makes it easier for me to accept them. When I attire myself and carry myself like one of those hot leather-clad dommes from fetish porn and online femdom sites, I can feel like I deserve to be a spoiled princess!

 

Set clear lines around certain activities

This might be controversial, but I don’t think you should financially incentivize any sexual activity that you want to continue doing for free at some point in the future. When humans get paid to do something, they tend to lose the intrinsic motivation to do that thing without being paid; this is called the overjustification effect.

For this reason, I’d suggest either only paying (or being paid) for activities you wouldn’t otherwise do much or at all, or setting up a very specific “container” in which you’ll be paid, such as a roleplay where you’re both in-character as someone other than yourself. Hopefully these measures will keep the overjustification effect at bay.

 

Decide on a budget everyone can handle

When it comes to findom, I would never advise someone to play outside their means. You should not be going into debt or stressing yourself out just to participate in this kink!

This is why it’s a good idea to negotiate a specific budget before any findom scene, and to agree on a safeword so either party can tap out if they want to.

And by the way, there’s no rule that says you have to use real money. If Monopoly money still makes your brain chemicals go brrr, then by all means, use it!

 

3 scene ideas for findom beginners:

  • Have your partner pay you a certain agreed-upon amount for an activity you might not otherwise do very often or at all, like a striptease, bootblacking, or foot massage. You could do this as a client/provider roleplay if you like.
  • Agree on a budget and then go shopping for something frivolous/fun/sexy – like lingerie, sex toys, or porno mags – on one partner’s dime. When not interacting with sales staff, you can roleplay as a spoiled brat and doting caregiver, or whatever else feels hot to you.
  • If your relationship structure allows for it, and if you’re into the cuckoldy angle, have one partner pay for the other’s drinks/dinner/etc. on a date with someone else. Alternatively, just pay for them to enjoy some self-care – e.g. a mani-pedi, facial, or deep tissue massage. Maybe they can text you a selfie from the spa/salon/etc., playfully taunting you for being a hapless paypig 😘

 

Have you ever tried findom? How did it feel for you?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.