How to Take Yourself on a Date

Kate Sloan

I’m an introvert in a long-distance relationship, and I work from home. This all means that I spend a lot of time alone. For me, that doesn’t just mean sitting around at home: sometimes it means taking myself out. For as long as I can remember, I’ve enjoyed solo outings – though, as I’m occasionally reminded when someone gives me a weird look, not everyone is as comfortable with the notion of the self-date.

However, if you’re introverted or single or otherwise relegated to frequent solitude, I think it’s imperative to make your alone time not only as frequent as you want but also as special as you want! So here are some of my best tips for taking yourself on a date…

Psych yourself up. It can be hard to drag yourself to a traditional date activity, like dinner or a movie, on your own if you think people are going to judge you for it. So just remind yourself that no one really pays that much attention to strangers in public, and people do this kind of thing all the time. Get hyped for your outing: put it in your calendar, plan it out, make it something you look forward to, just as you might with a “regular” date.

Pick an activity you love, even if other people might not. Some of my favorite solo dates are dinner, going to see a movie, or attending a comedy show. Sometimes the restaurants, movies, or shows I pick are ones I like but that other people might find strange (oysters and a documentary about an obscure queer icon, anyone?). That’s the beauty of a date with yourself: your input on the activity is the only input that matters! So pick something you adore, and if potential companions might turn up their nose at it, well, so much the better.

Make getting ready a ritual. I often think of getting dressed for dates as a sort of magic spell. I’m adorning myself in totems and trappings that make me feel confident and beautiful: a cute dress, kickass boots, pretty lipstick. This process builds excitement about the date for me in an almost Pavlovian way, so I don’t skip it even if no one else is going on the date with me! This little bit of extra effort could help you elevate a sad, perfunctory night alone into a celebratory occasion.

Bring a diversion of some kind. I always have a book (or my Kindle) with me when I go on a solo date. I also usually bring my journal and a pen, and my phone with some podcasts loaded onto it. While it would absolutely be a power move to eat dinner alone while simply looking around and enjoying the atmosphere of the restaurant, that’s not something I’m interested in doing – it makes me feel awkward, and I get bored. A book can entertain and captivate me in the same way that another person would, if they were sitting across from me at dinner.

Spoil yourself. I know I’m guilty of often thinking I don’t “deserve” nice things, especially if I’m by myself on a mundane Tuesday night or somesuch. But you deserve that extra mile. Sometimes this can be a pricey thing, like a trip to your local fancy cocktail bar or a decadent multi-course meal, but it doesn’t have to be – it could be as simple as adding an extra apple pie to your McDonald’s order, springing for extra butter on your popcorn, or bringing a plush blanket to the park so you don’t have to sit on the damp grass. You’re worth it, baby!

Take photos. We live in an age when it often seems that something only really happened if there are pictures of it on the internet. While this has its pros and cons, the benefit of photographing and sharing aspects of your solo date is that it may help legitimize it in your mind. When you put your meal on Instagram or text a patio selfie to your best friend, you’re saying, “This is nice and deserves to be remembered.” And hell, sometimes those moments can be perfectly Instagrammable!

Stay open to adventure. Many times while on solo dates, I’ve gotten into an interesting conversation with the stranger next to me, or discovered a new hangout I didn’t know about, or tried a new-to-me food and loved it. A beautiful thing about being alone is that you can follow your own impulses; you don’t have to check with someone else first to see if they’re on board. So if you find yourself wandering into a shop with an eyecatching window display, or considering a weird-sounding cocktail on the menu, go with that gut feeling – it could lead you somewhere lovely.

End on a high note. If I skip this step, I often end up wallowing in loneliness, so it’s important to deliberately plan an uplifting ending for your solo date. Mine often involves listening to a comedy podcast on my walk home, or watching something funny on Netflix once I get there. If I’m really absorbed in my book while I’m out, I might continue reading it once I get into bed. Ah, bliss.

Do you ever take yourself on dates? What do you like to do/where do you like to go?

Date Diaries: Montreal

Kate Sloan

Montreal is a beautiful city that I love. I’ve only been there a handful of times, but each time, I’ve fallen in love all over again with the bilingualism, the cultural flair, the low rents compared to Toronto (!), the beautiful restaurants and cafés. It’s a city I would love to live in, if my French were a little sharper.

My partner and I spent a week in Montreal recently, and he’s the type to seek out the absolute best places on Foursquare whenever we go anywhere new, so I got to experience a lot of MTL highlights. Here are some spots I think you should check out if you and your beloved(s) ever set foot in this city…

Toqué!

If you’re looking for fine food and great wine, this spot is a must-do. Their foie gras is absolutely divine, and I loved their duck. Their dishes are plated meticulously and artfully – “tweezified,” as my partner says. We were also charmed by how they brought over a portable hook to our table for me to hang my bag from!

Onoir

This was a recommendation from Rae and Piph, whose tastes I trust, so we knew we had to check it out. It’s a restaurant where you eat in COMPLETE DARKNESS. The waitstaff are all blind, and once you’ve been briefed on the protocol of the place and chosen your menu selections, they lead you into a pitch-black room as you cling to their shoulder with one hand. Then they bring you food and drink, bumping each dish or glass into your shoulder so you can take it and place it on the table in front of you, hoping against hope that you won’t lose it once you’ve set it down.

It was an absolutely wild experience having dinner across from someone I’ve had many dinners with but being unable to see him, or my food. It completely changed the way I experienced the meal, and the date. Certainly it gave me more empathy for the blind (though, notably, not all blind people think the restaurant is a great idea), and it also amped up my appreciation for the taste and texture of my food. However, by the end of the meal, my partner and I were starting to panic a little; we wanted to get back to our lit-up, visible world! I’ll always remember shouting our waiter’s name – “MAURICE!” – as we sat together in the dark, frozen in fear but also giggling in glee…

La Finca

This sweet little café was less than a block away from the hotel we stayed at, so we went here several times, and it was great every time. Great coffee, great baked goods, great vibe.

Boho

The classy and tropical vibe of this cocktail bar makes it feel like someplace Don Draper might go while vacationing in Hawaii. And my drink was served in a plastic pineapple, so I don’t know what else you could want from an establishment, really.

Le Cartet

Hard to go past this place for fancy breakfast/brunch! I ordered a big skillet full of eggs, bacon, sausage, ham, and toast – pretty much everything I could want from a breakfast – and a big ol’ maple latte. (When in Québec, consume as much maple stuff as possible. You gotta.)

Le Mal Nécessaire

While my boyfriend tells me this isn’t technically a tiki bar because we didn’t see any tikis, they do have a tiki-ish vibe and you can order a cocktail served in a full-size pineapple, so there’s that. I loved the atmosphere in this cute little underground bar.

Bagel, Etc.

Leonard Cohen supposedly hung out here a lot when he lived in Montreal. It’s an eclectically-decorated restaurant known for its breakfast and brunch offerings. I love to get a big breakfast special here – eggs, bacon, the works – with an obligatory locally-made bagel. Divine.

La Grande Roue de Montreal

If you think Ferris wheels are at all romantic or exciting, this one’s worth a visit. You get a fantastic view of the city, plus you get to walk along the lovely waterfront to get there. You’ll be placed in groups of 8 for the ride, so it’s not the most intimate experience, but it’s still nice nonetheless.

Moishes

This steakhouse obviously does steak quite well; their shrimp cocktail is also great and our meal came with GIANT PICKLES that delighted me to no end. Also, can confirm that Moishes leftovers hold up: the day after our dinner here, I shoveled cold steak and potatoes into my face while sitting in our hotel bed and they were honestly still delightful.

Olive et Gourmando

I’m still daydreaming about the sweet ricotta dish at this sweet brunch spot in historic Old Montreal. They also had fantastic fresh-squeezed orange juice, and staff who were attentive and (frankly) attractive as hell. We will definitely go back here next time we’re in MTL.

Dominion Square Tavern

This unassuming gastropub ranks among the best cocktail spots in Montreal, which I felt doubtful about until I actually tried one of their drinks. Their “Gin & Mint” – actually just a Southside, my fave, with lemon juice – was blissful, and they do a super-boozy “Canadian Old Fashioned” that led to some good sloshed conversations at their cozy bar. I bet their food is great too, but we didn’t try any.

Divine Chocolatier

If artisanal chocolate is your jam (so to speak), you gotta check out this little chocolate shop. Their truffles are adorable little bites of perfection, and their “secret bar” is intriguingly delicious. (I asked “What makes it a ‘secret’ bar?” and the owner smiled mysteriously and told me, “It’s a secret.”)

Belon

This oyster bar was a block from our hotel, and boy, were we glad. It’s spacious and sophisticated, with a fully-stocked bar and – of course – amazing oysters, with all the fixins. We were feeling indulgent and had two dozen – whoops.

Au Pied de Cochon

This very, very French spot has some weird-yet-delicious items on their menu. I got a squid ink risotto – definitely one of the strangest things I’ve ever eaten or even seen at a restaurant – and my partner got this odd “duck in a can” dish. The portions were big and the atmosphere was jovial. I mean, how can you not love a place that’ll serve you champagne and a jet-black risotto that “tastes like the sea”?

Café Olimpico

This Mile End spot is known for its excellent coffee. It’s also the spot where author Sean Michaels (my cousin) wrote his Giller Prize-winning novel Us Conductors, which I love, so I’m biased. Get an allongé and a biscotti and soak up the atmosphere.

Montreal Improv

Montreal has a robust improv comedy scene, and this theatre offers shows in both English and French. If you can see anything featuring their director, Marc Rowland, absolutely do – I’m a total improv snob and have rarely laughed so hard at a show as I did watching him do a longform set at Sunday Sunday.

The Coldroom

You have to ring a bell at a mysteriously blank door and wait to be let into this secretive underground cocktail bar, but it’s worth the rigamarole. They can make you any classic cocktail, as well as several drinks from their in-house menu. I’ve ordered a Southside at nearly every bar I’ve visited in Canada and the U.S. over the past year and a half, and the one a bartender made me here was one of my all-time faves.

Atwater Cocktail Club

Another must-visit if you love cocktails, especially classics. The bartenders here are skilled and personable – ours took the time to learn our names, and chatted with us in between bringing us stellar drinks (the margarita I had here was one of my fave drinks of the whole trip). It’s a bit tricky to find the entrance of this place, hidden away between two buildings, but it’s worth sleuthing out.

L’Express

This place is just a good old-fashioned classy French restaurant, complete with charmingly cordial waiters, an epic wine menu, and a killer cacio e pepe that rivals the ones I had in Italy. Their desserts are particularly magnificent.

 

Do you have favorite date spots in Montreal?

5 Fun Things You Can Do With Used Panties

Kate Sloan

There are few objects as sexually charged and culturally revered as panties. They can symbolize so many things: femininity or gender transgression, raunch or innocence, private secrets or public pageantry. With all these meanings floating around them, plus their frequent proximity to genitals, it’s no wonder why these dainty underthings are so frequently fetishized.

But they’re not just for looking at – there’s lots you can do with a pair of panties! Here are 5 fun ideas…

Use them as a gag

A balled-up pair of underwear makes a great gag: it tastes like whoever was wearing it last (even if it was the person being gagged themselves!), it muffles sounds without stopping up your breathing, and it carries a whiff of the illicit. It can be fun to “punish” a submissive by pointing out to them, in this very direct way, just how wet they got their underwear – and just how obedient they’re going to be for you.

Stuff them in a vagina

Panty-stuffing is a significant subset of panty fetishism; there’s a surprising amount of porn that features it! While I would imagine that it doesn’t feel amazing for the person being stuffed, it will likely leave you with a thoroughly soaked pair of underwear – all the better for smelling and tasting, if you’re into that.

Sell them

You can buy and sell used underwear on websites like Sofia Gray, or on a direct person-to-person basis if you know any interested buyers. This endeavor is so popular that in Japan, there are supposedly vending machines that dispense used panties! I’ve sold my underwear once or twice and it’s always been a lovely experience: I got to make someone’s fantasy come true, while making a little dosh for myself. It’s a win-win!

Use them in a feminization scene

As humiliatrix Princess Kali points out in her book Enough to Make You Blush, a man in panties won’t automatically be embarrassed to be wearing them – it depends on the attitudes he holds about the garment, its place in society, and its relation (or lack thereof) to his gender identity. But certainly, putting panties on a man is one classic way to cut him down to size, in a kink scene involving feminization, humiliation, or both. If you want to tiptoe into this type of fun, try wearing super girly underwear under a more masculine outfit while you go out on the town.

Leave them as a souvenir

If you know your partner loves getting a noseful of your bits, you could leave a pair of your underwear in their bed for them to discover once you’re gone. This could be a particularly sweet gesture in a long-distance relationship – it’s something to tide your partner over until the next time they can bury their face in you. Pro tip: keep the panties in a sealed Ziploc bag when not “in use” if you want them to retain their scent for longer!

What do you like to do with used panties?

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at Sofia Gray, where you can buy and sell underwear aplenty! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Rock Candy Suga Daddy 8″

Kate Sloan

When Rock Candy reached out to me offering me a toy to review, I was immediately entranced by their toys’ aesthetic. They’re all pink or blue, look vaguely like candy, and made to satisfy size queens (and other size royalty). These things are very up my alley. And now a Rock Candy dildo was gonna go up my “alley” as well. *rimshot*

They sent me the 8″ Suga Daddy, a big blue dildo with a suction cup base. I thought it would be good for pegging, but when it arrived on my doorstep, I immediately realized it was probably too big for my partner’s ass to take. My vag, however, is a different story.

This dildo, as its name implies, is 8″ long, though the insertable length is only 7.25″. This makes it long enough to hit my A-spot with some room to spare – yay! It doesn’t hit the spot with any particular intensity, being flexible and curveless, but it does nudge it gently, which is sometimes enough for me. The diameter of the toy tops out at 1.875″ – pretty big, but not unmanageable for most vaginas and some butts. I feel nice and filled up when this toy is inside me.

The best thing about this toy, IMO, is the ridges along its shaft. It has a glans and coronal ridge, much like a flesh-and-blood penis, but those ridges/bloops/bumps continue down the length of the toy and feel like one coronal ridge after another, popping pleasantly over my pubic bone one by one with each thrust. This can be intense but sometimes that’s exactly what I want.

The silicone, I should note, is fairly firm and unyielding. This means that the Suga Daddy will stand up well in a strap-on, jutting out merrily from the body. However, for my purposes, it’s firmer than I prefer a silicone toy to be. It doesn’t bend to the will of my vagina, and often leaves me with a slightly bruised-feeling vag and urethra if I’ve been pounding away for a while. A good, thick water-based lube helps with this issue, but doesn’t solve it entirely, especially since the texture of the silicone is a little draggy.

I wish the 8″ Suga Daddy had a slight upward curve for targeting erogenous zones with more precision, and that its base was thicker and heftier so I could thrust quickly with it more easily. But it’s a really good dildo for when you just want to be stuffed full of whimsically-colored silicone. It’s firm and formidable, and if you enjoy the sensation of being gently and slowly stretched open, you’ll love the girthy and gradually-widening shaft of this toy. Its ridges are like a roller coaster for the vagina, and while sometimes I want my A-spot or G-spot targeted more directly, sometimes a resolute massage of my vaginal walls is exactly what I want, and the Suga Daddy can certainly do that.

 

Thanks to Rock Candy for sending me this toy to review!

Intimate Intercourse: Dating a Sex Writer (Part 3)

Kate Sloan

Hello again! Welcome back to Intimate Intercourse, a series where I interview my boyfriend/Sir/daddy, who goes by Super Sleepy Dude, about various topics related to sex and kink. This week we’re discussing hypnokink! This is the final part of a 3-part interview; you can read part 1 here and part 2 here. In this instalment, we discuss the upsides and downsides of dating a sex writer, and his advice for anyone considering it.

KS: What are some of the things about dating a sex writer that are hard or weird?

SS: Okay, this answer is sort of like answering the “What is your biggest weakness?” job interview question, because it’s a problem that isn’t really a problem, but – if you’re dating a sex blogger that’s reviewed a lot of toys, and they have, like, 200, 300 sex toys, deciding what toy to use is actually kind of hard! There’s a lot of choices. There’s a lot of things to fuck you with, a lot of things to hit you with, and also stuff you haven’t reviewed yet that you might wanna use, even if you don’t like it or know you might not like it, because you have to. So that decision is a very frequent decision that I have to make, especially ‘cause I’m your dominant, and also there’s so many options. It’s a “paradox of choice” type of thing sometimes.

KS: [giggling] We mostly stay within a relatively small group of things, because it makes it easier to make those decisions.

SS: Exactly. I don’t have to, like, go pull up your toybox page every time we have phone sex, to be like, “Okay, let’s see here…”

KS: But I do think, like, I say a relatively small group but it actually isn’t that small, all things considered.

SS: No. It’s bigger than most people’s entire collection!

KS: Right. And you have an impressive grasp of not only the toys that I have but also kind of the function of each one and when it would be right for any particular moment, which I find really impressive.

SS: Yeah. What else is hard about it? There’s a difficult-to-ignore extra layer of minor anxiety about something going wrong. Stuff goes wrong in sex all the time – you’re tired, there’s boner issues, there’s whatever – and there’s a part of me that’s like, “I don’t really want to fuck this up.” But it’s not rational. I don’t think you’re trying to write about a particular person’s one-off boner issue. That’s not interesting.

KS: No.

SS: So I don’t know. It’s just a thing. I don’t know, is there anything else that I’ve said was hard in the past, or that you think makes it hard for you, as a sex blogger, to date people?

KS: I mean, it pisses us off when people try to involve themselves…

SS: Oh, yeah, it really does. When people are sort of trying to insert themselves or make non-complimentary comments about us, that is kind of rough.

KS: The problem with that is that, yes, I’m a sex writer, yes, part of my skillset is making private, intimate experiences palatable and comprehensible for outsiders, but inherently, I’m not writing about every detail of everything that happens, and my readers don’t have all the context of our relationship because they aren’t in it, and so you can’t assume that you know everything about somebody just because they write about their sex life. And likewise, you can’t assume they’re going to be willing to open up about everything. We’ve had people ask us really inappropriate questions and just be gross about it, and it’s like, “Guys. Just be chill.”

SS: How do you feel about the thing where people say, like, “I love him,” or “I’m so into your partner,” or whatever?

KS: I mean, I am only made uncomfortable by it to the extent that you are – except when people are, like, hitting on you, which is kind of rude, to me.

SS: Yeah, it is kind of weird. I’m very flirty, so it doesn’t usually register as weird to me; it usually registers as like, “Oh, yeah. Okay, cool.” But sometimes it crosses that line.

KS: I just get very protective and very, almost like, “mama lion energy” around that, because I feel this sense of responsibility for what happens to you in my spaces, because I brought you into this…

SS: Totally. That makes complete sense.

KS: Yeah, I’m just like, please stop. Because my worry – not just with you, but with past partners when this has happened also – is that someone will experience too much of that and will decide it’s too much and will have to end the relationship. So that’s always kind of where my mind goes.

SS: Oh, how has that happened?

KS: None of my other partners have really been out as my partner who weren’t in the sex industry already, but if I wrote something about someone that was very flattering or complimentary and people were saying gross, objectifying things about the person based on that, then I would try to keep those people from seeing those comments sometimes, or just try to protect them from that, because I didn’t want them to feel like dating me was a liability.

SS: Yeah. Makes sense.

KS: Yeah. What are some of the best or most fun things about dating a sex writer?

SS: Seeing yourself from another angle, especially an angle of somebody who’s really into you or in love with you, is a gigantic self-confidence boost. I’d recommend it to anyone! Even if it’s private, even if you can just get your partner to write a thing that is never published that they can share with you, or vice-versa, I think it’s great. Hell of a drug! What else? Being able to meet tons of other people in this industry, that I really enjoy their work and think they’re making a big difference in terms of sex-positivity and stuff, is really cool.

KS: Were you starstruck when you met Epiphora and Lilly?

SS: Yeaaaah. A little bit.

KS: [laughing]

SS: Also, getting to see you do your thing. I’ve been in relationships with people where I can’t see them doing their work and being really competent at the thing, and that is a huge turn-on, I think, for both of us, so being able to watch you do panels and listen to your podcast and read your writing, being able to consume all of that competence is also great. And the toys. Yeah. Yes.

KS: Yeah, it is a fun perk that I am able to acquire toys for you to use and for us to review.

SS: Yeah.

KS: And I appreciate that you take that task so seriously, ‘cause I’ve had partners in the past who just sort of would give me very vague, brief thoughts on the toy, and I would always be like, “Hey, I need more than that.” So you’re a good partner for me in that respect as well.

SS: Mhm.

KS: One more thing… What would you tell someone who was thinking about dating a sex writer but was kind of unsure about it or scared about it?

SS: A couple things. The first thing is, I think that a lot of people who’d be thinking about dating a sex writer are thinking about dating a sex writer’s public persona. They don’t actually know that person… yet. So, don’t assume that they’re gonna be having sex all the time, or that they’ll be exactly who they are in their sex writing. That’s just one side of them.

KS: Yeah, I’m frequently depressed or giggly. I’m not always a Sex Person.

SS: [laughing] Yes. And then, maybe you’re flirting with that person or you’ve met them at an event or whatever, and you think it’s more of a real possibility, not just a thing that you’re fantasizing about, like, you might actually get to go on a date with them – don’t make it entirely about that, either. If I was a sex writer, I wouldn’t want to be dated for my job, or for the clout or whatever. I’d want to be dated for who I am. So it’s just, again, it’s just one facet of this person’s life. And for some people, it’s just a job, it’s just an income source. So, be aware of that. And then, the last thing I would say is, think past just the next week or the next month about whether you are okay being public. Don’t be like, “Oh, that’s a problem for later,” or, “I don’t have to worry about that,” because if you can’t [be public], you really need to be upfront that it’s not going to happen. And if you think it’s a possibility, discuss that with the person that you’re dating as you’re working through that process. I would say that if you have worries about coming out and you want to talk about it ever, DM me, because I could talk about that forever. And I will try to convince you to do it.

KS: [giggling] That’s so cute. You’re an evangelist.

SS: Yeah.

KS: Okay. Thank you, I love you, I’m very glad we’re dating.

SS: I love you too, little one. You’re a very good sex blogger and I am glad we’re dating.