Behind the Seams: Babes & Dates

Kate Sloan

May 11th, 2018. The “little boy at summer camp” vibez are so real. I wore this out to my fave local diner (which has since CLOSED, boooo) to finish up some dayjob work over bacon and eggs, and then hopped on the subway and went to the mall. Ended up buying a bunch of dresses and other assorted cuteness at H&M (including some items you’ll see elsewhere in this post!). It was a good day.

This shirt says “Babes Do It Better” and I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, but I like it anyway. Do you ever acquire a new piece of clothing that you think you’ll only wear occasionally but then you start wearing it all the time? This shirt achieved that status for me last summer… Sometimes a garment just feels right, for whatever reason.

What I’m wearing:
• “Babes Do It Better” T-shirt – Forever 21
• Danier leather jacket – hand-me-down from a cousin, adorned with pins from Kinktionary, L’Amour-Propre, and Hippo Campus
• Black rhinestoned shorts – H&M many years ago
• Giant Red Robot kneesocks – bought from R. Stevens at the Toronto Arts & Comics Festival in 2011 (I had been reading his webcomic for many years at that point and fangirled pretty hard about meeting him)
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Coach turquoise leather turnlock tote – bought on sale for half-price last year and carried damn near everywhere since

May 12th, 2018. This was a weird/cute day in my long-distance relationship. In the morning I went to a local café to work on some articles for a copywriting client, and then I went to 7 West for lunch because I was craving their pesto pollo pasta. My boyfriend chatted with me over the phone throughout my meal – a frequent and favorite type of phone date we do – and then we just kept talking for my entire walk back to my apartment. Once I got home, we talked for several more hours, including some excellent phone sex and lots of giggles. All told, our phone date that day lasted 9 hours, because we’re weirdos in love. I adore finding ways to prioritize intimacy even when we’re so far apart.

I felt really cute in this outfit. It’s a bit “schoolgirl meets mime,” n’est-ce pas?

What I’m wearing:
• Revlon Ultra HD matte lip color in “Obsession” (definitely a current fave)
• Black and white striped tank top (new) – H&M
• Blue suede collar – L’Amour-Propre
• Black and white polka-dotted skirt – ASOS
• Black and white striped thigh-high socks (originally bought to be part of a schoolgirl costume for Halloween) – Amazon, I think?
• Black leather Frye harness boots

May 13th, 2018. I had a hard time getting out of bed on this day, so my Sir gave me some specific instructions and time constraints re: getting showered and dressed, and that helped motivate me a lot. It was Mother’s Day and I was headed to see my mom and give her a gift, so I opted to dress in a feminine, springy way I thought she would appreciate (and she did!).

This outfit also felt very DD/lg to me – pigtails, pink lipstick, sparkly jewelry, and short A-line dresses will do that – so I reflected a fair bit on what it means for me to “feel little” and how that manifests in my body and brain. (I want to write about this eventually!) I noticed myself feeling much cuter and more embodied than usual, and I think it was because my exterior matched how I usually feel – or want to feel – on the inside: feminine, optimistic, youthful, spunky, cute. Clothes are about so much more than just the visual!

What I’m wearing:
• Hair in high pigtails (I hope I never feel “too old” to wear pigtails; they’re cute at any age, as far as I’m concerned)
• Big blue and black sunglasses – bought on a whim at the hotel gift shop at last year’s Woodhull
• Revlon Ultra HD matte lip color in “Obsession” again
• Floral dress (new) – H&M (I have this exact dress in 12+ different colorways and will keep buying them as long as H&M keeps making new ones, because they’re super flattering and comfortable and FIFTEEN DOLLARS EACH)
• Pink sparkly Tarina Tarantino heart necklace – vintage on eBay
• Black leather Frye harness boots

While we’re talkin’ fashion… What’s your favorite piece of clothing right now? Also: got any great spring lipsticks to recommend?

Monthly Faves: Leather Leashes & Deft Doctors

Kate Sloan

Summer has finally sprung in Toronto! I had a lot of sweaty sex this month… which is… good, I guess? Here were some things I loved in May!

Sex toys

• Did you know that the VixSkin Mustang is a wonderful blowjob dildo? Sometimes my boyf wants to hear BJ sounds when we have phone sex – and to drop me into subspace in the way that only a dick hitting the back of my throat can do – and this beautiful dildo fits the bill.

• Betty’s Toy Box sent me the Icicles #69 dildo a while ago and I’ve been enjoying it. Full review to come eventually, but here’s the TL;DR: it does good A-spot things but I wish it was longer so I’d have more of a handle for easier thrusting!

• My Sir ordered me some custom items from L’Amour-Propre a while ago and one of them was a leash in blue suede that matches my collar. (Did you know that Tal, who runs L’Amour-Propre, is super great about custom orders? Contact them, they’re lovely!) While the leash has been fun in its traditional uses – to keep me in line while I’m giving head or shining my Sir’s shoes, for example – we also experimented recently with swinging it back and forth in front of my eyes like a pendulum as part of a hypnosis induction. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m forever amazed by the ingenuity of kinksters!

Fantasy fodder

• So, I’m having a lot of phone sex as per usual, but this month I’ve been thinking about it less as a replacement for IRL sex I wish I was having and more as its own wonderful thing. Sometimes when I’m masturbating alone, I even imagine my partner is muttering darkly in my ear. Interesting how some kinks develop out of necessity and are nonetheless super fun to play with.

• Fantasies about hysteria doctors are frequent for me, but this month I was idly imaginin’ and the doctor in my mind’s eye said, “I make you come so much harder than your husband ever does…!” Usually in these fantasies, I’m just me, rather than becoming the archetypal Victorian housewife often represented in stories about hysteria treatment – but hey, sometimes it’s fun to go a little more literal than usual.

• I tried watersports for the first time this month. OMG. It was a pretty mild introduction to this wet-‘n’-wild kink – my Sir pissed on my chest in the shower after we’d been discussing doing this for a few weeks – but felt vulnerable and sweet and hot. More to come, I would imagine!

Sexcetera

• Some of my work elsewhere this month: I have an article in the new issue of The Walrus about how sex robots could shape our sexual future. I wrote a squirting guide for Ignite. On our podcast, Bex and I talked about age play, porn, loving communication, altered states, and Bex’s first year on testosterone.

• I bought some plastic hooks with which to hang impact toys on my wall and they make me so happy. I own so many beautiful toys; why not display ’em?

Media

• I was thrilled this month to get to see The Artist & the Pervert, the new documentary about kink educator Mollena Williams and her 24/7 D/s dynamic with her husband and Master, world-famous composer Georg Friedrich Haas. It presented kink as romantic and normal, which, naturally, I found very charming!

• Melissa Broder, of @SoSadToday fame, has a new book out called The Pisces. I’ll have way more thoughts about the book for you here on Monday; for now, just know that I loved it, and if you’ve ever struggled with feeling addicted to romantic or sexual stimuli – or you find mermen attractive – you might like it too.

• Some people in my life have been experiencing emotional abuse lately so I wanted to do some research on it to better understand how abusers operate. I found this book on covert emotional manipulation tactics enlightening; maybe you will too! And if you’re at the point of wanting to stand up to an abuser in your life, this book of scripts is super helpful and practical.

• In case you missed it: my fave show, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, was cancelled by Fox this month and then promptly picked up by NBC in the wake of an outcry from fans. I’m so, so pleased that this show will continue. While you’re waiting for new episodes, why not read some of my B99 fanfiction?

Femme stuff

• Vintage Leather by West Third Brand smells exactly how you would expect a fragrance called “Vintage Leather” to smell. It’s a little masc and very sexy and I’m into it.

• My boyf paid for me to get a pedicure, something I haven’t done in a long-ass time, and it was such a lovely treat. Plus I enjoyed bonding with my pedicurist over a shared disdain for unsolicited dick pics.

• I’m working on a part 2 of my blowjob lipsticks post! Leave your recommendations in the comments if you’ve got ’em.

Little things

Nerding out about Sondheim with my extended family. Catching up with my bruddy. Seeing two SNL-related documentaries in one day with my mom. Sir ordering me a cookie so I’d have something to snack on while he talked to me on the phone from New York. Sex T-Rex shows. Solo sushi dinners. Getting recognized in public. Drinks dates with femme pals. Affixing romantic memorabilia to a corkboard on my wall, like the sentimental dork that I am. Feminist stand-up comedy. Interviewing kink geniuses for the podcast. Spanakopita and love letters in a mini Moleskine. A perfect gin and tonic on a sunny day. Our cute waiter at a Mexican restaurant asking, “Are you guys chefs?” Being vastly overdressed for a dinner-and-improv date. Sleeping in a T-shirt from the hotel where my boyfriend first told me he loved me.

Guest Post: Sir’s Favorite Toy

mb

Note from Kate: I don’t normally publish guest posts here, but my Sir wanted to contribute a review of a toy he loves, and he’s rather handsome and persuasive so I said yes. Here’s the review; enjoy!

“Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.” –William Morris

There are around a dozen different sex toys in the small drawer of my nightstand: prostate massagers, vibrators, cock rings, and sleeves. They’ve all been carefully selected and collected over time to be both beautiful and useful and to make me come in intense and interesting ways. But I want to tell you about my favorite. My favorite toy is so versatile that ever since I first tried it, I’ve used it more than anything else in my collection.

I started using it in December and haven’t gone a day since then without thinking about it. Most nights, I curl up on my couch or in my bed and it’s the first thing I reach for. It’s become a prized possession: something I long for, treasure, and take care of so that it will last me a long time. With proper attention and maintenance, there’s no reason why I wouldn’t be able to play with this little toy for years to come.

Like the ones made by the defunct Fucking Sculptures, this toy is one-of-a-kind. It sometimes feels as though it’s been designed and built exactly for me. It fits my body, engages my imagination, and pings my kinks so perfectly that I sometimes wonder if I special-ordered it during a late-night shopping spree and then promptly forgot about it until it showed up in New York one random Wednesday afternoon.

Imagine a warm, smooth, beautiful, self-cleaning plaything that has three different holes you can fuck with your cock (or a strap-on), your fingers, or even another toy. Imagine a toy that looks and smells and tastes as delicious as it feels against your skin. Each hole on the body of the toy is shaped and textured differently with some that are tighter or deeper, so there’s always one that fits my mood. Because of its clever ergonomics, it’s also possible to use more than one at once if I’m feeling extra dexterous. While I sometimes use lube while I’m playing with my toy, it’s not always necessary as it gets pretty wet all on its own if I touch it just right.

The toy is of course body-safe, it doesn’t need batteries or cords, and I can play with it even when I’m not in the same room via my phone. I can thrust into it hard and deep for as long as I want, or if I’m in the mood, I can set it up and let it suck or stroke me just the way I like. My toy comes with a detailed manual and pretty packaging, it can simulate the feeling of a cunt squeezing and coming all over my cock, and almost never fails to respond to my commands, especially when I remember to push all of the right buttons.

I’ve come harder and for longer than I even thought possible while I was fucking my toy on a recent trip to Toronto, and when I’ve brought it with me to fancy hotels while staycationing in my own city. I’ve had weekends of relaxing, debaucherous fun away from the stresses of daily life fucking my toy late into the night, then waking up at 4AM and desperately needing to use it again. One of these days I’m gonna get my whole fist inside it, but more testing is required before I review that particular feature.

I’d love to recommend that you buy this toy at one of the many fine women-owned sex toy retailers online, but the truth is, you can’t. This toy is mine and was generously and freely given to me by someone who loves me. I hope you find one just like it because it makes me incredibly happy to own something so good.

Oh right, I forgot to tell you what it’s called. I think technically it’s named Kate, but I call it my little one.

How to Prepare For a Spanking

Kate Sloan

A surprisingly frequent search term people use to find my website is “how to prepare for a spanking.” At first, I found this confusing – what’s to prepare? Just drop trou and you’re good to go! – but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how inaccurate and unhelpful that perspective is. When I’m nervous about an upcoming activity on my docket, sexual or otherwise, often my first line of defense is to google it – and even if I glean no new information from the results, the research itself calms my nerves. Doing my due diligence has never done me wrong.

Here, then, are some tips from me to you on how to prepare for your next spanking, whether it’s your first foray into impact play or your thousandth…

Make sure you actually want to be spanked. Hey: it’s okay if you don’t. Spanking is sometimes discussed as a foregone conclusion in kink spaces, as if every kinkster is into it, but that isn’t the case! You don’t have to get spanked just because you’re playing with someone who likes doling out impact, or you’re going to a play party where spanking is de rigueur, or you liked being spanked by this play partner on a previous occasion so you feel obligated to like it again. Want it, or skip it!

Communicate with your play partner. Here is an abridged list of questions the two of you should ideally discuss before you play. How long do you want the session to last (if you know)? Are there any time constraints your partner should know about (e.g. do you have to pick up your kids later? get to work tomorrow morning?)? What are your reasons for seeking and enjoying pain (e.g. pain as a punishment, as a reward, as a feat of endurance)? What do your face and body tend to do when you’re enjoying yourself? When you’re not enjoying yourself? What are your safewords and/or safe-signals? Do you have other preferred systems for mid-scene check-ins? Is it okay to leave marks? Where do you want to be hit? How much pain can you generally take? Do you like rhythmic pain, or do you prefer it more erratic? What names can your partner call you during the spanking, if any, and which should they avoid? Do you have any medical conditions your partner should know about? Is sexual touching okay? What other sex or kink activities will be involved in the scene? Hammering out all these details can help you relax into the spanking.

Prep your butt. Like all forms of sexual grooming, this will vary a lot based on personal preference. I feel my best during a spanking if I take the time in advance to shave, exfoliate, and moisturize my ass – though, of course, some spankings are too impromptu to allow for this. Taking a fragrant bath can also help you relax, so you’ll sink into a compliant, submissive headspace more easily. Depending on your dynamic with your play partner, they may enjoy rubbing some massage oil into your skin to help relax you even further.

Wear something you feel cute in. Cute underwear is a vital part of my spanking wardrobe, so to speak. Thigh-high stockings are super sexy and make a great frame for your butt. Wear whatever makes you feel hot and provides ample access to the areas you want your partner to hit – whether that’s a fetishistic backless latex spanking skirt, a pair of tight jeans that can be yanked down to your knees, or nothing but your collar. Certain hairstyles or perfumes may also help put you in a good headspace to enjoy the spanking (e.g. I feel super submissive in braided pigtails).

Get your implements ready. There can be a ritualistic joy to laying out your impact tools of choice for the evening: choosing them carefully and arranging them just so. You may want to take it further by, for example, cleaning your leather paddle with saddle soap and treating it with mink oil until it shines, or carefully untangling the falls of your flogger.

Prepare your space. Lay down a blanket where you plan to kneel, for example. Clean your room. Burn some incense. Pull the drapes. Put on some music. Ponder what décor and other trappings would help put you into the headspace you’re hoping to achieve with the spanking, and put as much of it into action as you can.

After all that is done, you should be able to relax into the spanking itself, and enjoy the pain for all it’s worth!

How do you like to prep for an impact play scene?

 

This post was graciously sponsored by the good folks at SheVibe, one of the companies helping me get to this year’s Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit. Check out their selection of impact toys! As always, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

Why Everyone Should Own Lube

Kate Sloan

There are very few immutable truths when it comes to sex. Here are a few I think are important: No matter how weird you think your sexual tastes are, there are people out there who are into the same things as you. Informed, ongoing consent is mandatory for any activity. And lube makes everything better.

It seems to me that most queer and trans folks and vagina-having folks are aware of this fact, but a worryingly high percentage of straight cis men are not. That’s largely because the quintessential “straight” sex act – peen-in-vag intercourse – is often depicted in our culture as “not requiring” lube, even though, as with most sex acts, it can be substantially improved by throwing some lube into the mix.

There’s a common cultural narrative that you won’t need lube if you’re aroused “enough,” but of course, that’s bullshit. As sex-positive writers and thinkers like Sarah Jane and JoEllen Notte have pointed out, high arousal doesn’t always lead to high lubrication. It can depend on your body, where you are in your hormonal cycle, medications you’re on, and various other factors. There is no shame in needing or wanting to use lube! In fact, I think just about everyone’s sex life would be improved with the addition of lube if they’re not already using it (and more lube, if they are).

Have I convinced you yet? If so, here are some of my favorite lubes for various fun activities…

For PIV: Good ol’ vaginal intercourse, I find, pairs well with a vag-friendly water-based lube like Blossom Organics. Water-based lubes are ill-suited to predominantly external activities like handjobs, because your body absorbs the water after a few minutes and so you gotta keep reapplying – but since the vagina is self-lubricating for many of us, I find a little water-based lube is often enough to get me started, and then my vag supplies the rest of the moisture I need as I get more and more turned on. I like this one in particular because it’s designed to minimize vaginal irritation (no glycerin or propylene glycol here!) and its taste and smell are inoffensive (a surprisingly difficult quality to find in lubes). Plus it just looks cute on my nightstand.

For butt stuff: I’m ride-or-die for Sliquid Sassy; it’s a known fact. Recently I told my boyfriend I like lots of different lubes and he clarified, “But you’re a Sassy girl at heart,” because he knows me. Sassy is a water-based lube with a thicker consistency than most, so it’s longer-lasting than your average water-based lube and tends to more-or-less stay where you put it instead of dripping all over the place. This makes it a pleasant choice for lubin’ up anything that’s gonna go in your butt, though I use Sassy vaginally a lot too. I appreciate that this lube has only five ingredients and is effectively odorless and tasteless: sometimes you just want a lube that works well without adding any bells or whistles to the experience.

For oral sex: Sliquid Swirl is one of the only actually good-tasting flavored lubes I’ve ever tried – and, crucially, unlike almost every flavored lube on the market, it’s glycerin-free. It comes in lots of different flavors and all the ones I’ve tried have been at least passably tasty, if not outright delicious. Some people find flavored lubes confusing as a concept; I’d invite them to remember that we all get a case of dry mouth from time to time, so sometimes you need a little help with lubrication while going down on your sweetheart. Flavored lube can also just be a silly novelty, for when you want to mix things up – ’cause sex is supposed to be fun!

For handjobs: Whether you’re strokin’ a dick or a vulva, I would heartily recommend The Butters. It’s a smooth, whipped lube made of natural ingredients like aloe vera gel, apple cider vinegar, shea butter, coconut oil, and grapeseed oil. It’s long-lasting and its texture feels divine on the skin. As a bonus, its taste isn’t objectionable at all (to me, anyway), so you can transition from hand stuff to mouth stuff without much trouble. And your skin will feel moisturized as hell afterward!

What are your favorite lubes? Which uses are they best suited for?

 

This post was sponsored by Peepshow Toys, who are generously helping me get to the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit this August! Check out their fine selection of lubricants. As always, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.