Ask Girly Juice: Dos and Don’ts of Lube

Kate Sloan

I volunteer regularly at a sex and relationships hotline. Many of the questions we get are repeats; a lot of people same to have the same worries and inquiries. One thing I’ve been asked on multiple occasions is, “Is it okay to use [insert substance here] as lube?” Since it’s perplexing that so many people don’t know what are and are not suitable lubricant choices, I decided to compile my knowledge on the subject here.

Lube and vaginas:

If you’re planning on having vaginal sex, avoid lubes which contain sugar and/or glycerin. These ingredients can cause nasty yeast infections because of the way they interact with the naturally occurring bacteria in a vagina. You can use flavored lube while going down on your lady, as long as you make sure that it’s free of sugar and glycerin.

This also means that you shouldn’t use chocolate, peanut butter, or any other sweet food or drink in your sexytimes if a vagina will be involved. I know it sounds sexy to dribble chocolate sauce all over your lover’s vulva and lick it off, but she won’t think it’s so sexy when she wakes up a couple days later with a raging case of the yeastie beasties.

It’s also not a great idea to use non-natural oils as lube for vaginal sex, because that kind of oil can trap bacteria in the vagina and cause infections as well. Lightweight, natural oils like coconut and grapeseed are fine, but stay away from heavier options like mineral oil/petroleum jelly. Many silicone-based lubes feel and behave like oil, so they might be a better option if you like that oily consistency.

Lube and condoms:

Condoms cannot be used with oil-based lubes (petroleum jelly, coconut oil, what have you) because oil causes the latex to disintegrate. It can be fun to watch this happen, but you know what’s not fun? Realizing that you might have been exposed to an STI or sperm because the condom dissolved.

Lube and anuses:

Many people prefer to choose a thicker, longer-lasting lube for their anal sex needs, because anuses don’t self-lubricate and so you’ll want something that can last the entire length of the sex act.

Make sure never to use “numbing” products that claim to make anal sex easier, because if you (or your partner) can’t feel the pain, you won’t know if and when you’re seriously injuring yourself.

Lube and toys:

If you’re not sure what material your sex toys are made of, now would be a good time to check. Some silicone toys are incompatible with some silicone-based lubes – the toy may become permanently sticky or tacky in the place where the lube touched it. If you’re not sure, do a spot test on the base of the toy and wait a few minutes to see if anything disastrous happens. In any case, water-based lube is probably a better choice for you if you use silicone toys a lot.

If a toy is made of glass, stainless steel, wood, or plastic, however, then have no fear – just about any kind of lube should work on these toy materials. But again, if ever in doubt, do a spot test.

My lube recommendations:

Water-based: Blossom Organics, a Canadian-made, female-oriented, aloe-heavy lube that’s very soothing and has a realistic texture.

Silicone-based: Pjur Bodyglide, a sexy, smooth lube that is my go-to choice for handjobs especially.

Oil-based: unrefined coconut oil, available at your local health food store. Can conveniently double as a moisturizer, hair conditioner, even deodorant.

If you have a sex-related question for me, please don’t hesitate to ask!

Menstrual Sex: It’s About Bloody Time!

Kate Sloan

I think the only time I’ve ever used the word “squicky” in real life was while telling my friend how my new boyfriend felt about menstrual sex. “It’s just weird for me, I guess,” I said, “because [my ex-girlfriend] was so okay with going down on me during that time of the month, and [the new boyf] is soooo not.”

It’s true – this was a tough adjustment for me. My ex had a vagina too, so she understood that menstruation isn’t such a big deal – but it wasn’t just that; she was a messy, reckless person in many ways, the type of girl to slather herself in paint and make breast prints on big pieces of watercolor paper. I think she was more inclined to “ride the crimson wave” because sexuality didn’t scare her, not even a little, not even the weird parts. My new boyfriend wasn’t like that, and his apprehension made me feel shitty about my lady-bits.

But then I rubbed off on him. Me and my relentless sex-positivity and vagina-lovin’. He must have absorbed some of my feminist unabashedness, because soon enough, his blood-related worries dissolved.

Here are some things that changed his mind, and that might change yours or your lover’s mind about period sex too:

1. Menstrual cups. Embarrassingly, I have a cup collection – two DivaCups, a Yuuki, a Lunette, and a Meluna. I just like to have a variety of color and size options – the average woman will only need one cup.

These things are great for a multitude of reasons that don’t have to do with sex – better for the environment, for the body, for the wallet (if you don’t collect them like me) – but they make sex easier too. While it is possible to have intercourse with a reusable cup in place, I don’t recommend it – I use them to facilitate oral sex instead. They keep the blood inside, so as not to freak out a partner, but they don’t dry up natural juices the way a tampon would if used in the same way. Worry-free cunnilingus, yum!

2. Menstrual sponges. I have some by Jade and Pearl – they are fairly cheap and easy to use. Truth be told, I am not a fan of sponges for everyday menstrual use – they’re not much better than tampons when it comes to body-safety and drying me out, and I find that they leak when I sneeze or laugh too hard. But! They work very well for period sex. (I’ve never used Softcups, but I hear they work just as well for this purpose.)

When inserted, sea sponges feel remarkably similar to the surrounding vaginal walls – soft, textured, and, uh, spongy. So you can tuck one up by your cervix and it’s very likely that neither you nor your partner will even be able to tell you’re on the rag. Just one word of warning: don’t go trying to pry out the sponge immediately after sex to empty it – during arousal, the cervix pulls up and back, taking any surrounding objects with it, so give it a few minutes or you might start panicking about not being able to get the damn sponge out.

3. Thick, dark towels. Really, these should be a part of everyone’s sex arsenal; if you don’t need towels at least once in a while, you’re doing it wrong, if I may say so. At the moment, I just use knockoff pashminas I don’t care about, but in the future, I’d like to upgrade to a Liberator Throe, a sex blanket that can absorb anything you squirt at it.

4. Mental preparedness. Yeah, menstruating vaginas taste a bit like iron. That taste doesn’t mean you’re getting blood in your mouth (necessarily), it just means you’re licking a healthy, normal vulva, so don’t fret.

Not everyone has to be okay with every sex act. I’m definitely not going to judge anyone who really feels that menstrual sex is not for them. But I want people to feel more equipped to have it if they want to… especially since orgasms are such a wonderful cure for cramps!

Review: I Rub My Duckie travel-size vibrator

Kate Sloan

Let me tell you the story of my very first sex toy.

Almost four and a half years ago, I was dumped by my first girlfriend. Despite the fact that our relationship only lasted five weeks, I was decently devastated.

Luckily, I had a new friend (soon-to-be-lover) who was sex-positive and cool and kind, and didn’t like seeing me sad – so she offered to take me to my first sex shop on the day of New Year’s Eve before we headed to our respective drunken parties. The idea sounded just cheery and fun enough to get me out of my miserable rut for a day. So we went.

Honestly, I have no idea how I managed to peruse the entire shop and still decide that the toy I wanted most was a rubber duckie vibrator. I’m assuming I chose it for reasons of discretion – youngsters shopping for sex toys for the first time will tend to go for something that their parents wouldn’t recognize as an implement of lust – but really, there’s no valid excuse. This toy is a joke.

In fact, the standard rubber duckie vibe must have done so poorly that I can’t even find it in most online toy retailers – I can find weird versions involving bondage, Paris, and even pirates, but not the plain one that I bought. I’m gonna guess this is because, if you have a toy that doesn’t work very well, you have to spice it up to get it to sell.

The I Rub My Duckie vibe has many downfalls, the most obvious of which is its shape. Upon showing it around to some friends at the aforementioned New Year’s Eve party, many of them asked the same question: “So, which part of it do you… use? The beak?” After rigorous testing, I discovered that the beak really isn’t ideal for clit contact at all – it’s hard, pointy, and awkward. Plus, who wants to feel like a duck is performing cunnilingus on you? Not me. (This is also why I never attempted to use the duck for internal stimulation – I just couldn’t stomach the thought of stuffing a duck’s head into my vagina. And it would hurt.) So most of the time, I used the tail of the duck on my clit, since that’s roughly where the motor is located anyway. Not that having a duck’s butt against your nether bits is much better than the oral sex scenario.

The other major problem with this vibrator is its controls. According to the internet, the duck now has three speeds which you can cycle through by pressing a button; this is not the way my duck operated. There was a tiny dial on the bottom, too small for even my eager adolescent fingers to properly manage, which you had to rotate to turn up the power. As someone who likes to slowly increase vibration throughout a session, I was not pleased with this system. I ended up using tweezers to work the dial, because it was just too small and tricky for my non-tweezer-sized digits.

Researching this review has led me to the discovery that, on top of its other issues, the I Rub My Duckie is made of latex, which may contain phthalates (potentially carcinogenic toxins). Fantastic. On the plus side, this toy is compatible with both water- and silicone-based lubes.

I can’t be entirely cruel to this duckie. There are a few good things about it. It’s powerful enough to get me off, and it did, on a multitude of occasions (though that may have been because, back then, it was my only vibrating option, whereas now, I have, you know, Lelos). It’s waterproof, which is fun because you could just keep it in your bath all the time and pretend it was a real rubber duck if you wanted. It’s a good size for travel (about 3″x3″), if you can evade questions from airport security about why you’ve got a rubber duck in your carry-on, you naughty thing. And it’s not too loud, so no one’s going to overhear your bath and think you’re having a little too much fun.

You may have noticed that much of this review is written in the past tense. That’s because, a few weeks ago, while doing a massive bedroom cleaning, I decided to get rid of my formerly beloved duckie. That should give you an indication of just how bad this toy is – I am the type of person who keeps things for purely sentimental reasons, and I couldn’t bring myself to keep my first sex toy. Not even just to look into its cute little eyes or hang out with it in the bath.

9 Inches? Who Gives a Fuck?

Kate Sloan

I’m tired of the penis size debate.

Yeah, I said it. I’m tired of those 8-inchers who think they’re great lovers just because of their measurements. I’m tired of guys with borderline micropenises constantly fretting. I’m tired of average-cocked guys desperately wondering if they’ll be able to “satisfy” their ladies. Just drop it, okay?!

Aside from much-quoted facts, like the fact that the average penis is somewhere around 5.25 inches, and trite-but-true sayings that refer to the “motion of the ocean,” it seems there isn’t much that can be said to comfort this issue. Which is why I hereby present to you my list of things that are significantly more important than penis size. Tell your anxious friends and enjoy!

1. Enthusiasm. You could be a virgin with no experience or knowledge to speak of, but as long as you’re genuinely enthusiastic about sex, you’ll be fine. Enthusiastic people learn faster and more thoroughly – and more importantly, having sex with them is fun.

2. Open-mindedness. How would you feel if your girlfriend wanted you to use a dildo on her during oral sex? What if your boyfriend wanted you to tie him up and call him a slut? What would you say if your lover relished a good hard spanking while dressed up like a nurse? Being open to sexual possibilities is one of the best qualities you can have if you want to lead an exciting life.

3. Communication skills. If you can’t tell your lover what you like, you’re never going to get it. Likewise, if you can’t really listen to and absorb what your lover requests, you’re never going to fully satisfy them. Get good at talking and listening, and at doing so without shame or apprehension, and you will have exponentially better sex than most people are having.

4. Attentiveness. Are you attuned enough that you can detect the difference between your lover’s pleasure noises and their pain noises? Of course, much of the burden rests on them to let you know when something has gone awry, but you still have to be aware of what’s going on. Attentiveness also means you’re aware of when something is working for your partner, and you file away that piece of information for later use. Does she like circles on her clit hood? Remember that, and make use of it. She’ll thank you profusely.

5. The “motion of the ocean.” Yes, this is a major cliché, but it is important. Some women like rough jackhammering right on their G-spot, some prefer gentle thrusts that shallowly stroke the vaginal opening, and there are all sorts of combinations in between. Sex isn’t just about the in-and-out; mix it up, try things out, be creative with your cock!

6. Generosity. I contemplated making “tongue and finger skills” a point on this list, but really, oral and manual prowess will come naturally over time if you are a sexually generous person. It’s more important that you want it – you’ll develop your skills along the way, but your desire to be generous is the hottest thing of all.

7. A sense of humor. Sex is fun and often kind of funny. Sleeping with someone who understands this is a total delight. Don’t make it into some serious affair; it shouldn’t be arduous work.

8. Confidence. If you really do feel insecure about the size of your peen, don’t let it show. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” as they say. Insecurity is never sexy – and you have no reason to be insecure, anyway, as long as you take into consideration what I’ve written in this post. No one’s going to get mad if you’re not a sex god right away, so quit freaking out and just rock it.

Tittyfucking for Small-Breasted Ladies: A Primer

Kate Sloan

I have small tits. No pity, please – I’m okay with it. I used to resent the way they failed to match up with my wide hips, rendering my figure imbalanced and pear-shaped – but I’ve grown to love my itty bitties.

There are, however, a few drawbacks to having smaller bazungas. You get fewer honks in the street (arguably not such a huge loss). You can never dress up as Joan Holloway for Hallowe’en. And, perhaps most importantly, you can’t be properly tittyfucked.

Or can you?

Having just wrapped up a tittyfucking session with my man, it struck me that I should write out a few tips for any minuscule-busted women who still want some penis-to-chest action.

1. Warm him up first. As any even remotely sexually experimental person knows, more arousal = more sensitivity. Try getting him riled up without touching his penis at all – make out with him, kiss his neck, play with his nipples, nibble his thighs… Whatever gets your man going, do it until he’s writhing and moaning for more.

2. Use lube. I would still use lube for this activity even if I had huge tits, because, well, chests don’t self-lubricate. As a general rule, lube improves any sexual activity – so if you have trouble with a particular act, throw some lube into the mix and see if it doesn’t help.

3. Hold your boobs together. Again, I’m sure this is something big-breasted women have to do as well, but it’s especially important if you’re less well-endowed. Gather ‘em up in your hands and use the heels of your palms to push them together around his cock.

4. Use your hands, too. If you’re using your palms to handle your breasts, as I just recommended, then your fingers are free to settle on top of his dick and do some stimulatin’. For example, my man likes pressure right at the base of his cock, so I can administer that with some of my fingers while using the rest to rub and stroke while he pumps away. It provides a little something extra that he loves.

5. Use your verbal and visual talents. Give him something to look at (a sexy gaze, a genuine smile) and something to listen to (dirty talk, moans, what have you). A very basic, but highly effective piece of pillow talk might be something like, “I can’t wait for you to come all over me.”

6. Have a backup plan. Let’s be real here: in our world of circumcised cocks and death grip syndrome, not every guy is going to be sensitive enough to reach orgasm from fucking a pair of teensy tits. It’s no biggie (pun intended!) – just make sure you know what to do next if your plan isn’t working out. You could jerk him off into your mouth, suck him off, or even push him back on the bed and climb on top for some cowgirl action. Whatever it is, don’t feel bad – just because something doesn’t induce an orgasm doesn’t mean it didn’t feel amazing.