“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 6 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 23/52: “Doll”

Lyrics:

She doesn’t know I’m in here
She doesn’t have a clue
She gets to be your girlfriend
I get to be with you

I hide out in the closet
It’s nice and dark inside
She gets to cook you dinner
I get to keep you satisfied

When the door locks
And your pants drop
And you feel like messin’ around
I’m a good girl
With my mouth full
So I can’t make a sound

Chorus:
I wanna be your sex-shop treasure
I wanna be your secret pleasure
I wanna be your perfect plaything
So you will think I’m so amazing
And though I’m so alone without you
At least I get to think about you
I wanna be convenient, sweet and small
I wanna be your doll
Your doll, doll, doll

It’s nice to know my purpose
It’s nice to have a home
You always make me nervous
I always make you moan

If this is Stockholm syndrome
I can’t say that I care
You like it when I lie here
I like it when you pull my hair

When the mood strikes
And the vibe’s right
And you feel like messin’ around
When the night falls
I’m a good doll
Who never makes a sound

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

A friend of mine mentioned he was keeping his sex doll in a closet, and I found that idea weirdly haunting. For a while I had a note in my folder of music ideas that just said, “From the perspective of a sex doll hidden in the closet: She doesn’t know I’m in here…”

I was messing around with that idea and came up with a piano part that reminded me of the Dresden Dolls’ song “Coin-Operated Boy,” which is thematically similar. For a few days I only had the verses and prechoruses, and didn’t know how (or whether) I wanted to finish the song. But then a chorus melody came to me, and I made a recording of myself da-da-da-ing it. I was out walking around doing some errands and kept listening to these two recordings back-to-back, pondering what I wanted to say as the sex doll.

Ultimately the lyrics I came up with for the chorus are very reminiscent of times in my life when I’ve felt used, discarded, and ignored by men I was seeing, or wanted to be seeing. Maybe this is why I was so drawn to that image of the sex doll waiting around in the closet to be used – it reminded me of how it had felt to wait by the phone for a text that would never come, or that would be a booty-call text instead of an I-love-you text.

Song 24/52: “Difficult Woman”

Lyrics:

They call me a difficult woman
‘Cause I’m always late to the set
They chide me for needing reminders of lines
I admit I am prone to forget

I wait every day in my trailer
It gives me time to think
And I’m not a child, so once in a while
I speed up the wait with a drink

Chorus:
I’m not perfect; neither are you
I’ll never be perfect the way they say they want me to

They call me a difficult woman
That rumor was spread by my ex
I helped the director get ever erecter
I shouldn’t mix business with sex

I’m worried my name’s on a blacklist
And that’s why the cameramen stare
But it could be the tits, the charisma and wit
Or it could be my famous blonde hair

(repeat chorus)

They call me a difficult woman
I swear they don’t care if I die
If not for my name and my face and my fame
I doubt that I’d still be alive

I take every pill they prescribe me
I never miss even one dose
And I’ve never taken too many to waken
But honestly, I have come close

(repeat chorus)

I don’t care what secrets they spread
They’ll never defeat me – I’ll never let them kill me dead

 

Songwriting diary:

I’d been watching a bunch of songwriting challenges on YouTube where someone would use a random word generator to come up with 3-5 words that they would then have to incorporate into a song. One of the times that I did this, the words I got were “me,” “difficult,” and “woman,” which was immediately very evocative to me. I wrote down the line, “They call me a difficult woman,” and then started pondering what type of person/character would say that line and why.

It seemed clear to me pretty quickly that this had to be a song about Marilyn Monroe. I was thinking about how she would often forget her lines while filming Some Like It Hot, show up late to the set, and thereby incur the rage of her male director and co-stars. Her mistakes, it seemed, were always blamed on her and her alone, even though she was struggling with a drug addiction, a painful chronic illness, a history of sexual abuse, and widespread mistreatment by the media and by people in her own industry.

As I wrote the rest of the lyrics, I also started thinking about Judy Garland, who (like many other actors of her time period) was given amphetamines and barbiturates by people at the movie studio she worked for, leading to lifelong struggles with addiction, which were (of course) frequently blamed on Garland herself.

This was such an interesting songwriting process to me because I don’t know that I would have ever sat down and thought, “I’m going to write a song about the injustices faced by midcentury Hollywood starlets” – but the constraints provided by the random word generator inspired me to do exactly that.

Song 25/52: “The One”

Lyrics:

Isn’t it romantic? Isn’t it so sweet
That I could fall in love with anyone I meet?
But you’re the one I stay with; you’re the real thing
The one who I come home to; the one who wears my ring

I’ve been in love with other folks
But none of them got all my jokes
So I’ve been looking for the love
I know that I’ve been dreaming of

Chorus:
You’re the one
The one I need, the one I want, the one
Who keeps me safe and warm, just like the sun
And every day, I’m glad for all you’ve done
You’re the one

I know it’s idealistic, and soulmates aren’t real
But every time I kiss you, that’s just the way I feel
It sparkles like a firework, it’s catchy like a song
Your arms are like my armor; your bed’s where I belong

I know we both have been through hell
At first, it scared me when I fell
Love was work, and now it’s play
And all those memories melt away

(repeat chorus)

I know we’re not invincible
We’ve got a lot to learn
But we’re up to the task
And I think we can last
Even though I know we’ve both been burned

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I don’t even know what to write about this one because it mostly just flowed out of me improvisationally! The first verse was inspired by a polyamory-related idea I was thinking about, which I think I first read in Dr. Liz Powell’s book Building Open Relationships: that one of the beautiful things about non-monogamy is that your partner stays with you not because they’d be lonely without you but because they actively choose to be with you specifically.

I worked on the second verse and the bridge over the days after I wrote the first verse and chorus, and did some lyric-editing after it was all done, but musically I don’t really know how this came to me because it just… did. Songwriting is weird like that sometimes.

Anyway, it’s a song about my spouse, who is the love of my life and the person who made all my many years of dating misadventures seem worthwhile just to have met them eventually. When my friend Bex interviewed me about songwriting on our podcast The Dildorks recently, he asked me if there were any subjects I wanted to explore more through my songs that I hadn’t yet, and I said that I’d always struggled to write happy songs about being in love with Matt because our relationship has always just been… really good, and loving, and open, and comfortable. Even when we have conflicts or issues, they’re approached in a way that is loving and compassionate. This song was my attempt to write an uncomplicatedly romantic song about my love, and while I certainly don’t think it’s my best work, I like how it came out.

Song 26/52: “Dear Professor”

Lyrics:

Dear professor, I confess you’re often on my mind
When you lecture and you gesture with those forearms so defined
It’s hard to focus, hard to notice anyone but you
But I obey and get an “A” because you want me to

Your red pen hurts like a slap
I’d love to sit upon your lap
But I don’t like to break the rules
I’ve always felt my safest here at school

Chorus:
I need a lesson
I’m second-guessing myself
I need a witness
I need some forgiveness
I need a teacher
Not some smug and pious preacher
I need some pressure, I need some pressure
I need you, professor

Dear professor, let me guess: you’re married happily
Do you let her give you pleasure? Do you take the lead?
Does she know you? Does she show you reverence at night?
Does she love you more than I do? I don’t think that’s right

Your passion always shines right through
Oh, the things that I would do to you
But I don’t wanna get suspended
And I would be so sad when it ended

(repeat chorus)

When I’m home, and alone
I don’t get to be your girl
In my bed, I feel dead
With my stomach all a-swirl
But in class, I can pass
For a normal somebody
Raise my hand like I planned
If I fall for you, will you call on me?

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

While feeling uninspired recently, I looked through a Reddit thread of potential song ideas, and one that jumped out at me was “a college student who’s in love with their professor.” This is something I’ve experienced quite strongly many times, and realized I hadn’t really written about in a song before, so I decided to take a crack at it.

I wrote the lyrics for the first verse + prechorus in my Notes app late one night and kinda forgot about them for a while. Then I started trying them out with different melodies and instruments. I had originally envisioned this as kind of a cheeky, cheerful song, but when I paired the lyrics with a more sad-sounding ukulele part, it felt right and I decided to go farther down the path of this being kind of a tragic song about desperately craving validation from someone who can never fully give it to you in the way that you want.

Song 27/52: “Lullaby for Little One”

Lyrics:

You’re never alone when you’re with me
I know you’ve been hurt and I think that’s so shitty
But hey – look where we are today

I know you feel strange and exceptional
But, if it helps, I am strange and bisexual too
You’ve got me and I’ve got you

And I know that deep down, we are one and the same
I know that we’re sharing one body, one name
I know that we also share all of those memories and shame

Chorus:
And I’m here now to listen
And I’m sorry that I’d gone missing
It may not be much, but now that I know you
I know all the love that I wanna show you
And I’ll still be here for you even when everyone goes

I love how you stand up to bullies
The stuff that they scoff at is always so silly
But you, you do what you wanna do

You may not believe that your brain is a blessing
And I know that life can be plenty depressing
But wait – everything’s gonna be great

And when you are lonely, I swear I’ll be here
I’ll never be far from your faith and your fear
I’ve muddied the waters, but soon I can make them run clear

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

Okay, this one was weird… A month or two ago, a friend of mine submitted the phrase “I am strange and bisexual” when I polled my Instagram followers for songwriting prompts, and I wrote the first verse of this song. I was envisioning it as a song about a friend, maybe a friend who was feeling down about the political onslaughts on LGBTQ+ rights and needed some cheering up. I wrote a chorus for it that I later scrapped which went, “Queers have each other’s backs/ Queers can getcha through it/ Queers help other queers relax/ Almost any queer can do it.” I could’ve continued in this direction but that chorus just didn’t sit right with me, in part because of how much infighting there actually is in queer communities these days.

I set that song aside and didn’t really think about it again until a month or two later, when I was walking around Newark airport and this song just started playing in my head randomly. My brain was kind of chewing on it, figuring something out. And then I sat down at my gate, took out my Kindle and read a chapter or two of You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For by Dick Schwartz, which is about using the principles of Internal Family Systems therapy to improve your relationships. A lot of that book is about getting to know your “inner children” so you can address your traumas and show yourself some compassion, and by the time my flight had started boarding, I’d realized that this song should actually be about my inner child.

When I got back home to my apartment in Toronto a few hours later, I took out my ukulele because I wanted to write a song. I was kind of resistant to the idea of working on the inner child one because it felt too heavy and emotional for the exhausted mood I was in post-travel. So I pulled two tarot cards as songwriting prompts, hoping they would give me a different idea. But the cards I pulled were the Nine of Swords and the Nine of Pentacles, which respectively symbolize (among other things) misery and anxiety, and safety and accomplishment. These notions, paired together, reminded me so much of the work I’ve been doing with Internal Family Systems that I literally said out loud, “OKAY, universe, I will finish that song!!” and then I did. I’m not really a religious person and don’t know exactly what I believe in spiritually, but the creative superconscious often feels wildly tangible to me. I know that sounds pretentious – oh well, it’s true!

I was describing this song to my therapist while it was in the works, and they exclaimed, “Oh! It’s like you wrote a lullaby for your parts!” which of course I immediately wrote down. Ultimately I decided “Lullaby for Your Parts” would seem weirdly sexual out of context, so I went with a slightly altered version of that title 😂

Where I’ve Been Lately…

Kate Sloan
Photo by my spouse

Hello, friends! If you read this blog regularly, maybe you’ve noticed I haven’t been posting at my usual clip lately. I thought I’d update you on why that is, and what I’ve been up to.

The main thing is that I recently got a new gig reporting on sex for MEL Magazine, one of my all-time favorite publications. I’ve been reading and loving their stuff for at least 6-7 years, so it’s delightful that I get to write for them now! Here’s a highlight reel of some of my favorite pieces I’ve written for them over the past few months (you can peruse my full archives by clicking here):

I’ve also been cohosting The Dildorks podcast as per usual; here are some of my favorite recent episodes we’ve done:

In addition to that, I’m still writing my weekly newsletter containing intimate essays and thoughts on sex and love, Sub Missives, for premium subscribers (it’s 5 bucks a month or 50 bucks a year). Some recent faves:

I’m also still doing my “A Song A Week” challenge, writing and recording one new song every week for the duration of 2022. Here are some of my favorites lately:

  • Dear Professor (a kinky sad love song)
  • The One (a romantic song about my spouse)
  • Difficult Woman (inspired by the hardships faced by Marilyn Monroe and Judy Garland)
  • Doll (a song from the perspective of a sex doll hidden in a closet)
  • Bodily Autonomy (an unapologetically pro-abortion rights song)

Finally, I’ve still been doing promotion for my two books, 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do and 200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender, both of which you can get at local bookstores or online.

I’ll still be posting on this blog once in a while – I’m definitely not shutting it down or anything! But with all these projects on my plate, the blog is no longer my top priority, so I thought I’d let you know what else I’m up to so you can check out my other work if you’re so inclined.

Love always, and thank you for the support! 💖 -Kate

Sometimes a Tarot Reading is Exactly What I Need…

Kate Sloan
All images in this post are courtesy of Tazia from Higher Self Tarot

When people ask me whether I “believe in tarot,” I don’t really know what to say. I’ve gotten tarot readings at some of the most critical times in my life, times that felt like a crossroads toward different potential versions of my future, and the cards – or, more accurately, the people reading the cards – have given me advice that shaped how I moved through my life’s next chapter.

For instance, in 2016, I sought counsel from a tarot-reading acquaintance of mine because I had gone through multiple romantic disappointments in a row: unrequited love, rejection, revelations of a partner’s abusive tendencies. I felt off-kilter and like I was attracting these terrible experiences into my life through something I was doing, or not doing. The reading told me pretty decisively that I needed to speak up more assertively about my boundaries and expectations in relationships going forward, and to be more guarded rather than letting people in right away. That advice has served me well ever since.

A year later, I sought another reading from the same person because I wanted some guidance with regards to my sex life. The cards declared that I should pay more attention to the wisdom of my body when making sexual decisions – i.e. if someone gives you a bad feeling, it’s probably for a reason – and that I should be more intentional in the way I approached dating. Again, this advice was exactly what I needed to hear and helped me turn my life around. I met my now-spouse later that year, by which time I had gotten much better at trusting my gut feelings about people and pursuing the people I liked with deliberate intention.

Obviously, tarot has been pretty transformative for me in how it’s allowed me to reflect on my own patterns – regardless of whether or not the cards actually have mystical properties like some people say (I really don’t know!). So I was delighted to get a reading earlier this week from Tazia Kuhani of Higher Self Tarot, and I wanted to write about it here.

I’m going through kind of a tough time lately, both personally and professionally. On a personal level, my mental health has been really tumultuous as I’ve been working through my traumas in therapy and getting actively confronted by triggers on a regular basis. Professionally speaking, I started a new gig recently that is taking up most of my time, so I’m struggling to balance my energy levels appropriately – and I’m having a lot of impostor syndrome about whether I “deserve” such prestigious bylines, even though I’ve worked for over ten years to get here. Needless to say, it felt like a good time to ask for some wisdom from a tarot pro!

I explained these issues to Tazia when she asked me what I wanted our reading to focus on, and we decided we’d do one short reading for my work life and one for my personal life.

The work-focused reading validated some things I already knew but hadn’t quite articulated to myself: that the expectations my editors have of me are high, but that I am skilled enough to meet or exceed them; that there might be an annoying adjustment period while I get used to a different work schedule and workload; and that doing my work with integrity and passion is my best route forward.

I found this astonishing because I hadn’t actually told Tazia anything about my new job or the things about it that I’ve been struggling with, but her interpretations of the cards she pulled were spot-on nonetheless. Tarot is wild!

As for the personal reading – Tazia pulled 3 cards that identified problems I’m dealing with, and 3 more cards that contained some advice for those problems. The actual issues I wanted advice on are too vulnerable and fresh for me to feel comfy sharing them here, but again, I was blown away by how accurate and specific the reading was. As someone who’s pulled tarot cards for myself as well as gotten professional readings, I can say that paying a professional has always been worthwhile for me. The cards alone can give me some information, or at least help me reflect more clearly and deliberately on the struggles I’m facing – but when an experienced pro can interpret the cards for you, especially a pro who knows a bit about you and your life, it’s a game-changer.

At the end of the reading, Tazia asked if there was anything I wanted clarification on. We had touched on my work in trauma therapy at one point in the personal reading, and I asked for some additional advice on how to move forward in the therapeutic process without feeling stuck or stalled out.

Tazia pulled two additional cards for me, both of which were meant to be advice on my trauma therapy process. The first one was The Fool, which she said meant that I should approach therapy as if I know nothing and am learning it all afresh. The Fool encourages us to listen and open up to what we don’t know, even if it seems foreign or strange. This card was telling me to become a student of my own trauma rather than trying to beat it into submission or speed through the process.

The second card she pulled was the Queen of Cups. Tazia said this card spoke to the role of creativity in my healing process – that I should lean into art-making, whether that be music, writing, or anything else, as a route through which to unpack my trauma.

Both of these cards felt super resonant and relevant to me, and gave me the little push I needed to feel like working through this stuff is still worthwhile. As my therapist told me when we began trauma therapy together two years ago, typically it gets harder before it gets easier, because you’re uncovering some old, raw stuff and it can be painful and destabilizing. But the important thing is to be patient with yourself and to keep going – which, of course, is easier said than done. This tarot reading helped me feel, more than ever, like that’s the right thing to do, even when it feels incredibly challenging.

If you want to book a reading with Tazia for yourself – and I would highly recommend you do so if there’s any situation in your life right now that you could use some guidance on – you can click this link to learn more. Tazia’s offering 5% off her already wildly reasonable prices for Girly Juice readers when you use the code “GIRLY” – go go go!

Review: Bombex Butterfly Desire Vibe Pro

Kate Sloan

Does anyone else remember when butterflies were all the rage in the sex toy industry, circa 2008-2009? First there were rabbits; then, suddenly, everyone was talking about butterflies.

The main one I remember was a wearable, remote-control butterfly-shaped vibrator that my friend-with-benefits owned around that time, but there were also dual-stimulation vibes and even cock rings made to look like butterflies. Not really sure what made this particular insect a sudden sex symbol. I do know that Jason Mraz has a whole song where he keeps referring to a vulva as a butterfly, though, and that my own vulva kinda resembles one when my labia are spread apart, so maybe that has something to do with it…

Anyway, today I’m reviewing the Bombex Butterfly Desire Vibe Pro, another beautiful butterfly-shaped product. It’s a dual-stimulation toy: the outer portion (the “butterfly” itself) uses pressure-wave technology to stimulate your clit, while the inner arm, when inserted vaginally, transmits vibration into your G-spot. Let’s talk about some of the benefits and drawbacks of this little bug…

 

Things I like about this toy:

  • The vibration of the internal arm is decently rumbly and strong, even on the first setting. There are three steady speeds and I’ve gotten off on the first one before, which is pretty impressive. The vibrations stay rumbly through all three speeds. I feel like I should have more to say about this, because it’s one of the most important qualities of any vibrator and Bombex got it very right here – but all I really have to say is that it’s rumbly and good and I like it!
  • The shape of the internal arm is such that it can hit my G-spot fairly easily, and feels great doing so. I love that it’s got a swollen head and a slightly slimmer shaft, because this makes its sensations more discernible to my G-spot and also makes it so that I can sort of fuck myself hands-free with the toy by clenching and unclenching my PC muscles rhythmically.
  • That last point is worth expounding upon more: this is a toy that stays inside me pretty well, even when I’m using it hands-free, but nonetheless will gently move back and forth against my body if I rhythmically squeeze my pelvic muscles. For me, this quality makes it way easier for me to orgasm with a dual-stimulation toy, because the additional motion on top of the vibration (+ in this case, pressure waves) makes the whole toy feel more stimulating.
  • The shape and size of the clitoral stimulator work well for me. It can’t stimulate as much of my clit as the large-mouthed Lelo Sila, but at least it doesn’t focus uncomfortably on the exposed tip of my clit like so many other toys of this kind. There’s a soft rim of silicone around the opening that makes the sensation feel gentler but no less pleasurable.
  • It’s made of body-safe silicone and ABS plastic!
  • It’s waterproof!
  • It has a remote control! Unfortunately I could not test this component because I had to fly to New York midway through working on this review and forgot the remote at home, but in theory I think it’s a great idea for a toy like this to have a remote. It makes it so that you can control the intensity without needing to reach into your pants/underwear every time (should you be wearing any), which could make this toy useful for public play.

Things I don’t like about this toy:

  • You can’t control the toy’s two functions separately. I know I complain about this in almost every dual-stimulation toy review I write, but if a toy does two different things to two different body parts, you should really be able to control each component individually, since different body parts don’t always want the same kinds of stimulation at the same time. On this toy, both functions are controlled in tandem by one button.
  • The outer portion of the toy has very little flexibility, which makes it so that if you have a particularly long or particularly short distance between your clit and vaginal opening, you might not be able to comfortably use both parts of the toy at the same time. (The distance from the middle of the clit stimulator to the top of the vaginal shaft is about 1.25″.)
  • Three steady speeds is not really enough. Granted, I’m generally not a fan of vibration patterns – but setting that aside, the fewer steady speeds a toy has, the bigger the jumps between each speed are likelier to be. Moving up to the next speed often feels jarring and takes me out of the moment a little, rather than encouraging higher and higher levels of arousal.
  • Having only one button means you have to scroll through all 10 settings to get back to a previous one. This is bad news for anyone who, like me, tends to turn the vibrations up and down a lot during any given session to help prevent overstimulation.
  • The vibrations feel stronger/rumblier/more impactful than the clitoral pressure waves, so sometimes all I can really feel is the vibration. However, I still get enough clit stimulation that I can come with this toy easily if I’m watching porn or otherwise engaging my brain in some sexy stuff.
  • As with most other pressure-wave toys, this one can make me orgasm easily but the orgasms aren’t always the most satisfying, and are sometimes immediately overtaken by discomfort as the toy keeps sucking my clit while I get hypersensitive post-orgasm.

Final thoughts:

There’s a lot I don’t understand about this toy. Why is it a butterfly? What are the wings and antennae supposed to do?* Why is there an illustration in the instructions that seems to indicate you can use the pressure-wave component on a partner’s penis while they’re fucking you?!

Overall though, I think the Bombex Butterfly Desire Vibe Pro is a good value for its price point ($60), assuming you want a dual-stimulation toy with pressure waves and the distance between your clit and vaginal opening is in range for this one to work for you.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

*When reached for comment, a representative at Bombex told me, in response to these questions: “Women are like butterflies, representing beauty, freedom, rebirth and goddess. Women are like a butterfly, her wings unfolded. Sucking and vibrating at the same time. Stimulating the clitoris and G-spot to give you out-of-this-world orgasms. Women like butterflies. The color of the red rose symbolizes romance, love, beauty and courage. The antenna flirts with your secret desire. The two eyes turn into usb port for long-lasting pleasure and can be quickly recharged. They shimmer and glow in the moonlight and almost seem to come alive. Women are like butterflies. People say a butterfly cannot see the color of its own wings. Cannot see how beautiful they really are. We are butterflies. Even if you can not see it. Even if you can not see how beautiful you really are. Just know that BOMBEX MAKES YOU FEEL BOMB AF!” [sic]

My Weird Relationship with Foot Fetishism

Kate Sloan

Content note: This post contains some non-explicit, not-super-detailed descriptions of times that I was sexually creeped on by adults when I was a teen.

 

I’ve always had a complicated relationship to the foot fetish community. Some of my earliest memories of feeling creeped out and sexually taken advantage of are related to foot fetishism, unfortunately. But that just means I have to work harder to overcome my biases and embrace kinksters who approach this fetish in fully consensual, 100% respectful ways – unlike those who started harassing me online when I was 14.

I’ve been posting outfit photos on-and-off since 2006, and one thing that happens when you post outfit photos to an audience of any significant size is that you attract people who fetishize the stuff you wear. People flocked to my Flickr page to fawn over my leggings, my corduroy shorts, the leather gloves I’d occasionally put on for fancy events. Pretty much anything I ever wore, there would be somebody who’d fetishize it.

But unfortunately it was often the foot fetishists who were the most extreme in this behavior. Even when I was literally 14 years old, I would receive comments and messages from them regularly, demanding that I post more barefoot pics, wear more sandals, or even send them my old and unwanted pairs of shoes. Some of them would lie to me in order to achieve the result they wanted; I’ll never forget the one who told me he ran a “recycling plant” for old sneakers and would be happy to accept my donations. Even at 14, I saw right through that shit and called him out – but it made me feel deeply uncomfortable and violated nonetheless, to be so intensely sexualized by strangers who clearly just saw me as a body for their visual consumption.

It’s been 16 years since I first started posting outfit photos online, and I have a lot more perspective on human behavior now – not to mention, a lot more knowledge about the shame and secrecy that run rampant in fetish communities. It actually makes total sense to me that people who’ve had their deepest sexual desires shamed and stigmatized for many years would turn to unsavory tactics to get their needs met. I’m not saying it’s okay – it’s deeply, deeply not okay at all – but I do understand where the impulse comes from. It’s just not a good impulse, because it involves prioritizing your own pleasure and gratification over someone else’s personhood and safety – and that’s never acceptable, no matter how difficult it may have been to live with the fetish that you have.

 

These experiences have made me extra appreciative in adulthood of fetishists who are straightforward and respectful, e.g. those who politely request sexy feet pics from me with the clear knowledge that money will need to be exchanged in order for those photos to materialize. (If that’s something you’re interested in, by the way, you should click here.)

It’s not that paying for foot-related media is the only way to access it respectfully; it’s just that it’s the only way for an internet stranger to get foot-related media from me, specifically, and I know many others feel the same. That’s why websites like FunWithFeet.com are so cool – they connect people who want foot content with people who are willing to provide it, for an agreed-upon fee.

I always wished for something like this when I was in my late teens/early twenties, because it frustrated me to no end that random men would demand I post more pics of me in sandals, or whatever, and not even offer to buy me the sandals in question. I longed for platforms where consensual, ethical fetishism could be expressed and enjoyed by anyone who wanted to participate, and where no one would ever feel even remotely pressured into doing something they didn’t want to do. So it’s pretty awesome to me that FunWithFeet and other such foot-focused hubs exist.

 

Another aspect of all this is the way foot fetishism manifests in my personal life, as opposed to my professional life. I’ve had a few partners who were into feet to some degree, including my current partner. It was educational and weirdly cleansing to satisfy real-life partners’ desire for foot pics after having been lied to, used, grossed out and taken advantage of by so many foot fetishists as a teen.

A beloved partner politely requesting pictures of my feet felt completely different from a faceless internet stranger one-handedly and irately demanding I post foot pics for free. It still made me nervous at times, but in different ways: I was nervous about whether my feet were pretty enough to be fetishized, whether they needed a pedicure, whether they’d somehow be a turn-off instead of a turn-on.

Luckily, though, all my foot fetishist partners have been incredibly complimentary about my feet and have never made me feel the way those online strangers did – like my feet were my entire value and the rest of me didn’t matter. Even now, when we’re lying on the couch together watching a movie at night, my partner will sometimes sweetly ask if they can remove my socks and massage my feet while we watch – and though it still sometimes feels vulnerable, or embarrassing, or tickly, I usually say yes.

It can be healing to encounter something that used to make you feel scared, sad, used, and unimportant, and to find ways to feel exactly the opposite about it. I’m reminded, once again, of one of the central lessons I’ve learned about sex as a whole: consent makes all the difference.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.