Lovense Toys Are Fucking Excellent

I wrote off Lovense for the longest time. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re not carried by any of the online sex shops I work with, or the fact that almost none of my sex toy reviewer pals have written about them, to my knowledge. They’re not mentioned very often in the circles I run in – which is odd, because in the camming world, they’re hugely popular.

In fact, doing the work I do at my dayjob in adult-industry social media, I often have to pop into camgirls’ rooms to collect URLs and relevant personal descriptors while writing tweets to promote them – and I’ve noticed that the word “Lovense” is basically used interchangeably with “remote-controlled vibrator” on some of these platforms. Like the Kleenex of sex toys, Lovense has proven themselves so wildly good at what they do that they are thought of as the category itself, not just a part of that category.

I recently got my hands on some Lovense products because I was working on an article for the Insider about sex toys for long-distance couples (more on that soon). Here’s what all three of the Lovense toys I tried have in common:

  • Once they’re connected to the app on my phone, they stay connected for the entire duration of the session.
  • Controlling them with the Lovense Remote app is easy, fun, and (most importantly) fast. When I change a setting on the screen, it’s reflected immediately in the toy.
  • Their Bluetooth range is astonishing. The toys continued to respond pretty much instantaneously even when I was across the apartment from my phone, or in another room with the door closed.

You would think that these three qualities would be the most important ones in a Bluetooth-compatible sex toy, but actually, my experiences with We-Vibe and Lelo (among other brands) over the years have shown me that even top-tier companies can’t always get this right.

 

Let’s talk about some of the specific toys I tried:

The Lovense Lush 3 ($119) is an insertable vibrator made to stimulate the G-spot. It’s shaped to hit that spot really well, and has a wide variety of vibration intensities and patterns.

I’m not the biggest fan of G-spot vibration – it usually just feels mildly uncomfortable for me, and can only make me come in conjunction with clitoral stimulation, if at all – but the Lush still feels pretty good to me nonetheless. It’s a fun tease when my partner and I are watching porn together on the couch, and I imagine it’d work well for discreet public play once we’re able to go to restaurants and bars again. (The Lush is fairly quiet, but definitely audible in a silent room, so I wouldn’t wear it to, say, a museum.)

The Lush’s external arm, in which its powerful antenna is housed, could theoretically provide clitoral stimulation, depending on your anatomy – but for me, it just isn’t enough unless I’m physically pressing it against my clit. It’s too slim and floppy. If they fixed this issue, it’d work much much better for me and many other people – although at that point they’d basically be making a We-Vibe, which maybe they’d rather not do. In any case, the Lovense Lush 3 is a fantastic insertable vibrator for people who like a lot of G-spot sensation, and it’s the only vibe I’ve tried of its type that hasn’t had major connectivity issues.

The Lovense Max 2 ($99) is a high-tech stroker that incorporates vibration and suction-based “contractions,” both of which can be controlled using the Lovense app. The stroking itself can’t be controlled that way, and has to be done manually, but even without stroking the toy up and down at all, my partner found the other sensations it offers very satisfying. Specifically, they said that this toy feels the most like actual penetrative sex of any stroker they’ve tried (and, being married to a sex toy reviewer, they’ve tried more than their fair share!).

My one major complaint about this toy is that the internal sleeve is open-ended, so cum and lube inevitably get into the outer case, which then has to be cleaned. It’s also very loud, although that is usually par for the course with this type of toy, unfortunately. As a sometimes-voyeur, I don’t love that the exterior is opaque – I’d always prefer a clear view of the action, as with a see-through Fleshlight – but that’s really a small price to pay for the pleasure my partner gets from the Lovense Max 2.

Finally, probably my favorite of the three: The Lovense Edge 2 ($99) is a prostate vibrator that also has an external portion for stimulating the perineum at the same time. You can control each motor separately in the app.

At first my partner found that this toy kept slipping out during use, but then we learned that the toy’s angle is adjustable – so you can bend it to hit your prostate more effectively, and in the process, keep it anchored more securely inside you. I love this feature and wish more sex toys were this versatile, to account for differences in individual anatomy.

Orgasms from prostate stimulation alone are pretty rare for my partner – I think together we’d only previously achieved it via pegging – but this toy gave them one, and it wasn’t even that much work for me! I mostly just kept undulating the prostate vibration up and down in a wave-like pattern, which made them feel like I was fucking them. Their orgasm seemed super intense, and because of the toy’s app functionality, getting them off this way didn’t cause me anywhere near as much pain as thrusting a dildo for the equivalent amount of time would have. We will definitely be using the Lovense Edge 2 lots more in the future!

 

Have any of y’all tried Lovense toys? What did you think?

 

This post was not sponsored – I really do like these toys this much – but the links are affiliate links.

Behind the Seams: Stuck at Home

February 5th, 2021

Cozy cashmere sweaters are one of the best things about winter, IMO. (Truth be told, sometimes I wear them in the summer too, because – I suspect – one of the symptoms of my chronic illness is temperature regulation issues.) They make me feel simultaneously cute and warm, which can be a surprisingly hard bar to clear sometimes (I’m lookin’ at you, goosedown puffer coats), so I end up getting at least one or two new ones every year.

mb bought this sweater for me a few months ago as a findom present and I really cannot overstate how bright it is IRL. I also have a pink one and they are both so bright that you could probably vividly see me coming down the street from several blocks away. Perfection.

We have to talk about this bag, though… I went back and forth on it for a few weeks, because its blue/grey/black color scheme is very “grown-up” and “professional,” two words I would not use to describe my typical aesthetic. But it kept calling to me, somehow. Buying handbags still feels like a weird thing to do during the pandemic because of how few opportunities I have to actually use them, but I’m dreaming of a post-COVID era when I’ll be able to fill up this beautiful bag with books, journals, pens, pencils, and lipsticks for solo dates to bars or cafés. It’s roomier than it looks, and has tons of fun little pockets – very Mary Poppins.

 

What I’m wearing:
• Blue cashmere sweater – J. Crew
• Black skater dress – H&M
• Black leggings – the Gap (I wear black leggings almost every single day now and am glad I invested in several pairs toward the start of the pandemic – fuck jeans forever, tbh)
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black/grey/blue colorblock Coach Willis bag
• Navy polka-dotted mask – SartorMasks on Etsy
• Lock & key necklace – chain from Roma Designer Jewelry, lock engraved with “Daddy’s” custom-made by L’Amour-Propre, key from my beloved’s chastity cage


February 14th, 2021

Baby’s first Valentine’s Day during a pandemic, wooo!

We celebrated by getting a very elaborate takeout dinner from BLT Prime, a New York steakhouse. It included steak (of course), brussels sprouts cooked to perfection, truffle mashed potatoes, dessert, and a bottle of excellent champagne.

Then later that night we had sex involving the Bandit and the Eroscillator. If using classic sex toys that work well for your partner’s body on them isn’t romantic, I don’t know what is.

Isn’t mb so cute in this matching Valentiney jacket-and-tie combo? I love when they wear pink. One of my Valentine’s gifts to them was a glittery pink Marc Jacobs lip gloss, and it looks great on them. For someone who works in the tech world, they have a pretty flashy sense of style sometimes. I love being married to someone who inspires me to dress more brightly and flamboyantly!

 

What I’m wearing:
• Pink fit-and-flare dress – H&M
Agent Provocateur Cupid lingerie set (underneath)
• Pink rhinestoned heart necklace – Tarina Tarantino
• Pat McGrath MatteTrance lipstick in “Elson” (a Valentine’s gift from my love)
• Pretty much nothing else because we didn’t leave the house!


March 3rd, 2021

I saw this sexy asymmetrical dark green velvet faux-wrap dress on the Betsey Johnson website about 2 years ago, and by the time I’d spotted it, they had already sold out of my size (12). I could’ve scouted one out elsewhere, but I figured I already had enough velvet dresses (and truth be told, I do – it’s kind of a problem!) and didn’t need to buy another one.

However, a week or two ago, I happened to spot one on eBay in my size. I had an IOU from mb for a findom gift because of a scene we’d recently done where I’d very generously allowed them to come even though they were supposed to be locked up in chastity (😈) so I asked them to buy me this dress + a bottle of Paradise Edition perfume. (Hey, if I have to live through a pandemic, I’m gonna do it glamorously, dammit.) A perfect date-night combo!

 

What I’m wearing:
• Dark green velvet dress – vintage Betsey Johnson via eBay
• Pink lacy bra underneath – Agent Provocateur (this dress is a bit droopy/drapey in the front, so as much as I prefer to go braless nowadays, I felt this look called for some boob support)
• Black leather Frye harness boots (black heels would’ve been the “proper” choice with this ensemble, but I don’t have any with me since I’m staying in New York, and the boots make the look more powerful tbh!)
• Black leather clutch with gold chain strap – Coach
• The same Pat McGrath red lipstick as above

 

What outfits have you worn lately that’ve made you happy?

P.S. Want more posts like this? Check out the “outfit” tag!

Building a Chronic Illness Wardrobe

Weirdly, one of the saddest parts of my slow descent into chronic pain hell is being unable to dress the way I used to. 💔

Even setting aside the issue of how my body shape/size has changed since becoming less mobile (because I ain’t about that fat-shaming life), there are some types of clothes I just can’t wear anymore, or at least not very often. My beloved rockabilly dresses have nipped waists that dig into me uncomfortably; luxury lingerie stabs me with its underwires and lace; even jeans often feel painfully restrictive. I was never much of a high heels person, but now even sturdy heeled boots sometimes hurt me. It suuuuucks.

However, slowly but surely, I’ve been re-learning how to dress myself in what feels like a completely different body than I had in my teens or early twenties. Here are some of my top picks; maybe they’ll help you if you also have chronic pain/illness, or even if you just like comfy clothes!

 

Leggings and lounge pants have become foundational to my style. I used to wear tights under dresses most days, but over the years I’ve slowly transitioned to wearing leggings under my dresses instead, because they’re comfier, more durable, easier to put on in a hurry, and can double as pants for sleeping in or lounging around the house. (Or wearing out, frankly. The “leggings are not pants” brigade can fuck right the hell off.)

These TrueSleep modal joggers by the Gap are some of my faves right now; I have a few different pairs. Modal is one of the comfiest materials for my particular body. It’s stretchy, non-scratchy, and feels light as air against my skin. These pants have pockets – always a plus – and they have a slim enough cut that they can pass for leggings if I throw a dress over them before leaving the house. They’re marginally see-through because the fabric is so thin, which is admittedly a drawback, but I barely wear them out of my apartment so it doesn’t really matter. I also love my Ureshii leisure pants, which were made-to-measure and are soooo comfy and soft.

 

Cute tops help me feel like a human even when my body isn’t cooperating. I’ve recently sought out soft lace-edged tank tops as a replacement for the oversized T-shirts I tend to rock with my lounge pants, because any little thing I can do to feel more femme is helpful when I’m achy and insecure.

Looking in the sleepwear section of any clothing store is always a good bet for pain-friendly clothes, because those garments tend to be specifically engineered for comfort and mobility. I always keep an eye out for “sleepwear” items that don’t look like pajamas; they are truly the holy grail.

 

Modal slips are a lifesaver for me. My first one was a black satin-edged Calvin Klein one that I bought a decade ago, and it’s held up so well and gotten me through so many pained days that I recently ordered a couple more: a short one in black and a longer one in a rosy red. These are way more glamorous than sweatpants but just as comfy (if not moreso), and can even be worn out of the house if layered appropriately with leggings and a cardigan or somesuch.

I’m curious about silk slips – they seem like a summertime equivalent of my modal ones, and are ultra-glam – but the one I want most isn’t available in my size, so I’ll keep looking, I guess! I also dream of someday ordering a bespoke Ureshii jersey dress; their cuts are gorgeously flattering but they’re made of super-soft fabric.

 

Bralettes are a must-have for times when I want some boob support but am in too much pain for a proper bra. Truth be told, I don’t wear bras or bralettes all that often, because I’ve basically stopped caring about my nipples being visible or whatever, but sometimes I want to feel a little fancy so I’ll put one on.

Some of the comfiest ones I’ve found are by Aerie. I usually avoid lace because I can’t handle the itchiness against my skin; soft fabrics are where it’s at. If I ever want to go the whole nine yards, I could order some made-to-measure jersey bralettes from Ureshii (drooool).

 

Cashmere sweaters are super comforting and cozy. They especially help me when cold weather is causing pain flare-ups; one day I’d love to own a pair of cashmere leggings for similar reasons (feel free to recommend some in the comments!). My favorites right now are by J. Crew but it’s pretty easy to find vintage cashmere for a steal on eBay, Etsy, Depop, etc.

Cashmere also layers really nicely with materials like modal and silk. The extreme softness of it makes me feel swaddled in safety. Truly ideal.

 

Ugg boots are a controversial pick, but whatever. They’re incredibly comfy, even when I’m having one of those weird pain days where just walking around hurts my feet and legs. I often even wear mine around the house.

The ones I have are adorned in sequins, but I’d eventually like to get a classic black pair because they’re subdued enough that they don’t scream “Paris Hilton in 2003.” (Not that there’s anything wrong with Paris Hilton… but she and I have different aesthetics!)

 

Jumpsuits and rompers are best for those days when I just can’t be bothered with separates. My favorites are by MeUndies, whose rompers are so sinfully soft that they’re even comfier than being naked (for my body, anyway). And they have pockets. Incredible.

The Gap makes a Softspun V-neck jumpsuit and a modal romper that both intrigue me. In summer I could wear these out of the house and probably no one would bat an eye. Cool!

 

Fellow folks with chronic illness/pain, what changes or additions have you made to your wardrobe to accommodate your condition?

I Felt Guilty About Findom, Until I Didn’t

A pair of red patent leather Louboutins my spouse bought for me (which I sadly had to return because they were too small)

Financial domination is one of the most profoundly misunderstood kinks. There’s a common perception that all it involves is “making” someone give you money without giving them anything in return – which, sure, would be exploitative if it wasn’t consensual. But by its very nature, findom is only findom when it is consensual. Otherwise it’s just financial abuse.

Findom is most often done in a professional setting, as an interaction between sex workers and their “paypigs.” Sometimes it may involve exchanging provocative pictures, incorporating adult roleplay chat, and other perks – but in its most basic form, it is quite simply one person being consensually bossed into giving money to another person. In that way, it’s not all that different from any other type of power play in the BDSM world. Sure, money is a more tangible measure of the power being exchanged, and it can alter the conditions of your actual life, outside of the bedroom and the dungeon – but that’s part of why it appeals to so many people. It’s like playing poker for real dollars when you’re used to only playing for Monopoly money.

That said, financial domination can happen outside of professional contexts too. It’s become part of my dynamic with my spouse. During an initial findom chat when my partner and I were negotiating this new addition to our relationship, one of the things we discussed was my concern that I was somehow a “bad” financial dominant if receiving gifts and cash didn’t physically turn me on, the way receiving oral sex or a good spanking can. My partner gets a boner (albeit not necessarily a raging one) when I command them to buy me a cute new bag or pair of shoes; I felt like an impostor for not having the same type of physiological response to what was supposed to be a kinky, sexy act.

But the more that I’ve thought about it, and the more that we’ve discussed it, the more I’ve realized that physical arousal is not the only measure of whether an activity is pleasurable or “sufficiently” kinky. Of course, I already knew this in other areas – I knew, for example, that many asexual people enjoy kinky activities for their psychological effects, despite having little-to-no sexual response to them – but it was surprisingly hard to apply this knowledge to my understanding of findom in my own relationship. I think that because money is such a heavy, fraught topic IRL, it can be equally tricky and fraught to accept your desire to play with it in a kinky way. It brings up enormous feelings about “deservingness,” privilege, power, scarcity, and fear. But you know what? So do a lot of other kinks!

The dual-control model of sexuality, popularized by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. in her seminal book Come As You Are, has been a helpful framework for me in thinking about findom. This model understands sexual arousal as being affected by both a “sexual accelerator” and “sexual brakes.” Your accelerator is stuff that actively turns you on, like porn, erotica, dirty talk, and receiving pleasurable touch, while your brakes are things that inhibit your ability to get aroused, like stress, distractions, or chronic pain.

I think my hesitance about findom came from the expectation that it had to be a sexual accelerator in order for it to be “valid” as a kink – when, in reality, for me it operates much more like an alleviation of my sexual brakes. When my partner buys me a beautiful new lipstick, for instance, wearing it makes me feel prettier, thereby alleviating some of my appearance-related stress. When I “made” them buy me a body pillow and started sleeping with it every night, my chronic pain eased up and I was able to sleep better, which certainly made arousal easier to achieve. Likewise, when my sugar daddy way back in 2017 gave me enough money each month to cover my rent, I was obviously way less stressed about making ends meet, which made space for me to get turned on much more easily. Money is a near-constant stressor, as it is for many people, leaning hard on those sexual brakes – so any relief in that area results in relaxation that can blossom into arousal.

There’s more than one way to enjoy kink, and anyone who tells you there’s only “one true way” is lying to you. If you and your partner consent to particular acts or a particular dynamic, and you prioritize risk-awareness and open communication, it’s hard to go wrong. An erect dick or wet pussy isn’t the only measure of whether something excites or fulfills you. If a kinky activity makes you a bit happier, or makes your life a bit easier, or makes your days a bit more beautiful, then I think it’s been a success.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Monthly Faves: Hooters, Hearts, & Sparkly Perfume

As much as the #PandemicLyfe has been wearing me down lately, there’s still always lots to be grateful for. Here are some of the things I loved most in February…

 

Media

• I’ve loved Kai Cheng Thom’s excellent advice columns on Daily Xtra for ages, and finally got around to reading her book I Hope We Choose Love this month. It’s a mix of prose and poetry, and my main takeaway was her beautiful and bittersweet meditations on conflict within the queer community and the difficult legacy it leaves.

• Patricia Lockwood’s new novel No One Is Talking About This is a must-read for anyone steeped in internet culture, particularly Twitter culture. It made me laugh out loud too many times to count and also made me reflect on whether social media is actually a force for good overall.

• I loved watching the 2018 film Support the Girls this month. It makes some strong statements about patriarchy, racism, and capitalism, through the lens of women trying to make ends meet while working at a Hooters-esque restaurant. (Read Isabel Slone’s essay on Hooters afterward as a counterpoint/idealogical digestif.)

• One of the most joyful events on the internet this month was Abigail Thorn of Philosophy Tube coming out as trans. Her coming-out video – framed to show her evolution from her former, male-presenting self (played by actor Rhys Tees) and her “new” self – basically made me cry throughout its entire duration. I’m so happy for her!

• Derek DelGaudio’s show In & Of Itself (viewable on Hulu) is a weird and wondrous blend of magic, mystery, storytelling, and philosophy of identity. I can’t tell you more about it because it would ruin it. Just watch it if that description sounds at all intriguing, okay?

• I’m late to the party with regards to The Good Place, but this month mb and I started watching it alongside 30 Rock and, obviously, it’s great! (We switch back and forth between the two – I’ve already seen all of 30 Rock and they’ve already seen all of The Good Place so we’re basically just showing each other shows that we love.) William Jackson Harper as Chidi is particularly wonderful, and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a “himbo” on TV quite like Jason Mendoza.

 

Products

• I’m working on an article about long-distance sex toys, so Lovense sent me some of their wares to test out. Their toys are wildly popular in the cam performer community, and it’s easy to see why: they have some of the fastest and most reliable long-distance Bluetooth connectivity I’ve ever seen in this industry. My favorite so far is the Edge 2, an adjustable prostate stimulator with two separate motors which I used to give my partner a totally hands-free prostate orgasm while they were in chastity this month. I also enjoy the Lush 3, Lovense’s wearable G-spot vibrator, though the lack of a substantial clit arm is a drawback.

• mb got me some astonishingly gorgeous Agent Provocateur lingerie for Valentine’s Day. The style is called “Cupid” and fits right into my hearts-centric aesthetic. Swoon!

• I accidentally tore a hole in my favorite pair of lounge pants this month, so as a findom task I “made” mb buy me a pair of Ureshii made-to-measure modal leisure pants to replace them. They are sooo flattering and fit perfectly, of course!

• Poet and former sex journalist Rachel Rabbit White released an updated printing of her poetry book Porn Carnival recently (would recommend), and to accompany it, perfumer Marissa Zappas created a perfume called Paradise Edition. I ordered a sample and love it so much that I’m considering getting the full-size bottle. It’s girly, sexy, floral, and also ozonic – which, in perfume speak, means it contains aldehydes, the ingredient that lends a “carbonated” or “sparkling” feel to classic scents like Chanel no. 5. It’s the kind of scent that makes me feel so good in my body, I’ll even wear it in the bath where no one can smell me but myself. Yummm.

• Still really into false lashes. They provide a burst of glamour that is sorely needed on these monotonous pandemic-winter days. My favorites are by Sugarpill, especially the Halo style (for people who like a lot of drama) and the Saint style (for people who want a more subdued, natural-looking lash).

 

Work & Appearances

• Never thought I’d write an article for Business Insider, but here we are! This month I got to write a list of my favorite couples’ toys for them, in time for Valentine’s.

• This month in my newsletter, I wrote about the importance of good conversations in relationships, exes and aliens, dressing like it’s Valentine’s Day every day, and watching porn during the pandemic.

• On the Dildorks this month, we talked about the duration of sex, group sex, and Valentine’s Day, plus we interviewed the delightful Eva Bloom about compassionate casual sex, libido issues during quarantine, and more.

• My latest pieces for the Andrew Blake blog: “5 myths about the clitoris,” “How to perform a sexy striptease,” “The best sex toy storage solutions,” and “Why is bondage so popular?

 

Good Causes

• Folks in Texas have had a hell of a time this month, as you probably know. Donate to support relief efforts there; every little bit helps.

• The Genesis Women’s Shelter incurred a lot of damage from the events in Texas and are accepting donations now to help them rebuild.

• Love feminist media criticism? Bitch Media is raising money so they can keep producing their fantastic work.

• The brand-new Nina Arsenault Fund for Trans Arts supports the work of trans creatives. Yay!