music

5 Kinda-Sexy Things to Do When You Don’t Feel Sexy

Kate Sloan

C’mere, I’m gonna tell you a secret. It should be an obvious fact, but it’s still weirdly taboo and many people don’t accept it. Here’s the thing… There will be times in your life when your sex drive will wane. Even if you are typically a pretty libidinous person. And that does not necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with your body or your mind.

Granted, sometimes it does. As I’m sure you know, certain health conditions and life circumstances can contribute to a sag in passion. Sometimes it has to do with the expectations a partner places on you, or that you place on yourself. (Emily Nagoski has a lot to say about that in her book.) Sometimes your relationship structure doesn’t excite you, and that affects your lust levels. (In which case, I prescribe Esther Perel’s book and some soul-searching.)

But sometimes it just happens for no damn reason. And that’s okay too.

I’ve been singing “Where did my sex drive go?” for the past week. A week wouldn’t seem like a long time to go without desire or orgasms for some folks, but for me, it’s suspicious. I’m chalking it up to a combination of things: a confusing crush that’s occupying a lot of my heart-space, a recent disastrous encounter that left me feeling resistant to touch, and just general life-busyness. It’s all added up to me feeling pretty unsexy, and unmotivated to do much about it.

But there are things you can do to reactivate your appetite for the sensual, even if you’re still avoiding the sexual. I have some suggestions for you; they might make you want to have sex again, or they might not. But either way, they’ll be the gentle self-care you need at times like these, and they’ll help you get out of your head and into your body a little more. And that’s something we all need!

 

Moisturize and massage your body

Hey, the saucy definition of “touch yourself” isn’t the only definition!

Moisturization can be a meditative practice if you let it. Scoop up some coconut oil, cocoa butter, or other loveliness of choice, and start rubbing it into a part of your body that needs some love. Make it your goal to cover your whole body, slowly but surely.

You can make this a very focused, present practice by thinking about each body part as you moisturize it – what you like about that part of yourself, what achievements that body part is capable of, what it means to you. Or you can kind of zone out, by listening to some music during your self-massage and just letting your mind wander. Do what feels needed.

Meditation is proven to make you happier, and this is a low-pressure, easy way to do it. Self-massage also helps you get back in touch with your body, literally and figuratively. And hey, even if you don’t notice any of those benefits, at least you’ll have super soft skin by the time you’re done.

 

Exercise

It’s common wisdom that cardio can boost your libido, but of course, there are other reasons to do it.

For one thing, in the absence of sex or masturbation, you might be feeling antsy and full of stymied energy. While you could force yourself into not-fully-wanted sexual activity to help burn off that bounce, that might not be the best option for you right now. Exercise can help.

In cases where your flagging libido is related to depression, moving your body can also help by brightening your mood somewhat. It’s not a cure-all, but it might ease your sads a bit.

 

Make yourself look good

I sometimes view lipstick as a prescription for my lethargy. I make myself put it on when I’m sad, even when I don’t really feel like it, because it always lifts my spirits. Not a lot, but maybe enough that I can leave the house.

Sometimes a drop in sex drive can result from feeling undesirable. If that’s how you’re feeling, maybe some gussying-up is in order, to help restore some of your confidence.

Do whatever kind of appearance-finessing is most in line with your gender identity and/or sexual persona. That could be anything from lipstick and winged liner to moustache wax and a bowtie. See if you feel a little hotter once you’re done. And if not, that’s cool too.

 

Lose yourself in music

As Jim Carrey well knows, music can help us connect to our more primal selves. When I’m having a bad day or a bad week, few things work as well to shake off my misery as a night out dancing in a dark bar somewhere. It’s such a physically-focused activity that I really don’t have the energy (or even the desire) to think about whatever’s bugging me.

While dancing might help you for the same reasons I outlined when I talked about exercise above, even just listening to music can have therapeutic effects. If it’s music you love, the familiar comfort and joy of it can lift your mood. And some music is so sexy that it might get your hips grindin’ and your heart poundin’, and we all know where that can lead.

 

Use a vibrator non-sexually

My Magic Wand is the only sex toy in my collection that gets used regularly whether or not I’m feeling sexy. That’s because it can bring pleasure to just about any part of my body, not only the sexual ones. Sore muscles, blocked sinuses, even just the apathetic numbness I get when I’ve been sitting around too much – a strong wand vibrator can ease it all.

If you use a vibe on non-sexual body parts for a while and then decide you want to move it onto your genitals, you might find it more agreeable than using your hands to masturbate. Sex toys can give you some psychological distance from your sexuality that you might prefer if you’re feeling unsexy.

 

What do you do to rekindle a sex drive that’s stopped cold?

12 Days of Girly Juice: 10 Perfect Sex Songs

Kate Sloan

Music and sex go hand-in-hand for me. I have a friend who wears earplugs when she masturbates because the silence helps her focus; I’m the total opposite. I feel creeped out and on edge if there’s no tunes on while I’m jerkin’ it.

For those of you who feel similarly, here are 10 of my favorite sex songs in 2015. BRB, I’ll be in my bunk with a pair of noise-cancelling headphones and an assortment of sex toys.

Justin Bieber – No Pressure. Say what you will about Bieber, but dude sure can crank out a juicy slow jam. When “What Do You Mean?” came out, a cute dom guy in my life kept telling me I needed to give it a listen, and at first I scoffed… but then I dipped my toe into the ocean of Bieber and was forever converted. This whole album is packed with deliciousness, but “No Pressure” might be my fave.

Alina Baraz – Fantasy. Where has Alina Baraz been all my life? Her music is like someone hacked into my brain, located the hole entitled “sex music,” and created a masterpiece in the exact shape of that hole. That smoky, coy voice… That slow, undulating rhythm… Ohhh yes.

Walk the Moon – Sidekick. I initially checked out Walk the Moon because their song “Shut Up and Dance” was the irresistible earworm of my summer. I was delighted to discover that the rest of their album is chock full of sexual tension and dance-y beats. “Sidekick” has one of my favorite lyrical images ever: “Keys left hanging in the door, a trail of shoes and winter coats; we’re kissing on the kitchen floor, our friendship up against the ropes…”

Punch Brothers – Magnet. I don’t know that anyone will ever let me have sex with them while “Magnet” is playing, because, well, it’s bluegrass. But – ungh – it’s really good bluegrass. And it’s sexy and sharp and dramatic and, like Chris Thile says, “fairly debauched.”

Violents – I’ve Done This Before. Jeremy Larson, one of my fave music dudes in the entire universe, has this project called Violents where every EP has a different female singer. The songs have a cool, weird, dreamy vibe and I’m super into it.

Brentalfloss – Paperboy. Um, please don’t tell Brent I think this song is sexy; he’d definitely laugh at me. Okay, the lyrics aren’t sexy – they’re about a boy on his paper delivery route – but, like, dat funk breakdown. Unf.

Bebel Gilberto – Tanto Tempo. I remember being really obsessed with this album in 2007, and listening to it while on vacation in Mexico, lying out in the hot sun in my bikini and headphones. It’s still really evocative of relaxation and summer skin for me. Girl’s got a voice made to fuck to, frankly.

Reverie Sound Revue – The Leisure Lost. Pick any song in the Reverie Sound Revue discography and fuck to it; I guarantee you won’t be disappointed. This was a fave of mine this year, though. I love how Lisa Lobsinger’s voice always sounds like she’s reclined on a couch somewhere, just casually purring her lines. Why oh why did this band have to break up?!

William Singe – Hotline Bling. I’m pretty tired of the original song at this point, but this sweet sexy R&B cover of it is A++. Just try to get the image of Drake’s terrible dancing out of your head long enough to have sex to this tune…

Menahan Street Band – The Crossing. This was a recommendation from Rae, who clearly knows what she’s talking about. Pretty sure it’s impossible to feel unsexy while listening to this beautiful instrumental piece.

What were your favorite sex songs this year?

2 Health Apps That Legitimately Make Life Lovelier

Kate Sloan

I am a Problem Sleeper. I frequently have trouble falling asleep until hours after I should, and then inevitably I sleep way past the time I’m supposed to get up. It’s a quality of mine that’s annoyed parents, teachers, and sleepover hosts, but mostly, it annoys me.

I’ve sought all sorts of help for it – most notably, getting a special lamp for sufferers of Seasonal Affective Disorder (which I also have) and using it for 10 to 15 minutes in the morning when I need some bright light to smack me awake. (It really does help!)

However, there’s another technological marvel that’s been helping with my sleep issues lately, and it – like most of my life – relies on my phone. Oh, iPhone, what would I do without you?!

The wonder of wonders I’m speaking of is the Sleep Cycle app. This post isn’t sponsored in any way; as any IRL friend of mine will tell you, I rave about this app because I really do love it.

Here’s the dealio: at night, when you plug in your phone to charge, you set the alarm in Sleep Cycle and then put the phone face-down on the bed. (I usually put mine above my head and slightly to the left of where I sleep, so I won’t knock it onto the floor if I toss and turn.) The app uses your phone’s built-in motion sensor to track your movements through the night, and – using some kind of high-tech magic I don’t understand – tracks where you are in your sleep cycle at any given time.

It then uses this information to wake you up only at the lightest point of your cycle, so that you’ll feel alert and rested when you wake, instead of groggy and disoriented. Whatever time you set on your alarm, the app will wake you up at your lightest moment of sleep in the half-hour before that time – so you’ll be extra-awake but still on time for whatever you’ve got scheduled that morning.

The wake-up sounds are gentle and gradual, so you never feel blasted awake. You can also set some soothing sounds to play while you fall asleep; I like to listen to rain. Or sometimes I open up the Spotify app and play the Jazz For Sleep playlist. Ah, bliss!

Sleep Cycle also appeals to my inner geek by collecting and displaying statistics (fuck yes!) on how long you sleep and how well you sleep. You can see all the hills and valleys of your restfulness through the night, and the app even keeps track of how many steps you took each day so you can check if there’s any correlation between physical activity and sound sleep. There’s also a place to keep notes, if, say, you want to keep track of how a certain medication, caffeine drink, or exercise regime is affecting your sleep.

This app has genuinely revolutionized my life in that I almost never feel groggy when I get up anymore, even if I went to bed later than I should’ve. Sure, I’ll get sleepy later in the day if I didn’t get enough Z’s, but it’s no longer a struggle to get going in the morning. And that is a damn blessing.

The same company also makes an app called Power Nap which uses the same basic mechanic but is made for naps rather than night-long sleeps. You have the option of three different nap lengths, depending on how much time you have or how deeply you want to nap. You tuck the phone in your pocket (or, if you’re me, in your bra) and it tracks your movements and wakes you up gently when you’re sleeping lightly. This app has saved my ass so many times when I needed a mid-day power-up but didn’t want to risk the grogginess that happens when you nap for too long.

While not strictly related to sex, I think we can all agree that your level of restedness affects not only your sex life but also how you feel about yourself and your life. This blog has basically expanded to cover not only “sex” but “anything and everything that impacts sex,” and lemme tell ya: when I haven’t slept well, any sex I have (even with myself) is gonna suck. So, thank heavens for Sleep Cycle!

Do you use any health apps that rock your world? Do you have sleep struggles comme moi?

Monthly Favorites: Sasha, Siri, & Sherlock

Kate Sloan

Here are some of the things that got my rocks off most regularly in March… (Can you believe the springtime months are upon us at last?!)

Toys

• While cleaning my room, I stumbled upon my Sasha Grey black glass wand, which I’d totally forgotten about. It remained by my bedside for the rest of the month and I used it a lot. Glass toys are so easy to just “grab and go” – I rarely need to use lube with them, which I love. This one feels really good but isn’t mega-intense like some G-spot toys are, so it’s been a go-to for my casual/lazy masturbation sessions lately.

• Another old favorite I rediscovered this month: the NobEssence Fling. Just, ugh, fuck, this toy feels so damn good on my G-spot, and it has finger holes for easier thrusting, and it’s handmade out of gorgeous burgundy wood. Marry me, Fling.

• The Lelo Siri 2 was my clit’s right-hand man this month. Rumbly, waterproof, portable, and a comfortable shape and size. Yes, yes, yes. (One warning, though: I’m pretty sure the Siri is haunted by ghosts, a.k.a. has mechanical problems. Mine turned on by itself at full power one morning, blasting me awake and rendering me completely confused. Its lights blinked at me for no reason all day after that. But it still works fine when I actually want to use it, soooo…?!)

Fantasy fodder

• One of my favorite fanfiction writers, Kasuchi, posted a new Brooklyn Nine-Nine story with tags that included “porn without plot,” “cunnilingus,” and “Jake Peralta’s talented mouth,” so of course, I was all over that shit. I read it three times in one day and jerked off twice (which is a big deal for me – I’m still not very multi-orgasmic!), and then it continued to haunt my brain for the rest of the month. I’m actually getting kind of turned on just writing about this story right now. Uh, I might have a problem.

• This month I finally got around to watching BBC’s Sherlock, which is fucking brilliant, and I discovered (to my extreme glee, obviously) that the fanfiction culture/community around this show is rabid and highly creative. A Cure For Boredom is my favorite piece I’ve found so far. I stayed up til 3AM reading it the night before an important work-related meeting, so that should give you some indication of how enthralled I was with this story.

• I didn’t watch a whole lot of porn this month, but when I did, it was mostly clips of Heather from IDeepThroat. She’s an old-school favorite of mine, for reasons I really don’t understand (why am I so obsessed with blowjobs in porn but not IRL?! The world may never know!).

Et cetera

• Bathtime masturbation loomed large in my legend this month. Would you guys be into a post about designing your own sexual self-care practice? Because, FYI, mine is definitely a long hot bath with scented Epsom salts, a big glass of wine, and a selection of waterproof sex toys. Blissful sigh.

• This Spotify playlist served as the soundtrack for much of my self-lovin’ this month. I particularly love this Alina Baraz song. Amazing how a great slow-jam can get your hips rolling and your mind racing…

What were some of your favorite sex-related things this month? Products, fantasies, helpful accessories, whatever! I wanna hear about ‘em!

5 Ways to Bring More Romantic Energy Into Your Life

Kate Sloan

Is it February already? Seriously?

Okay, I promise I won’t complain too much. Single people whining about Valentine’s Day = so boring and played-out. I refuse to fall into that trope!

However, yeah, if you’re single – and even if you’re not – Valentine time can be hard. But I’m here to help! Here are some ways to bring more romantic energy into your life in a jiff, even if you feel “forever alone” or unloveable. (Trust me, babe, you’re not.)

1. Change your phone background to a picture of someone who makes your heart flutter. Yes, we’re starting with a super easy one.

I don’t recommend doing this with a picture of a person you see regularly (e.g. your psychology professor, your best friend who you’re secretly in love with, or your older brother’s cute bandmate), simply because there is a small chance of them seeing it and thinking you’re a weirdo.

But if there’s a celebrity, fictional character, etc. who makes you feel a little blushy, giggly and swoony, load up your phone with their face. You’ll get a hit of juicy joy every time you spot your lock screen.

2. Tell someone cute that they’re cute. This one is harder, but I promise it’s worth it!

I think our high-tech world has made us shyer, more insulated from one another. I’m not gonna rant at you about the desensitizing effect of technology because, honestly, I’ve made some of my best and deepest social connections via the internet – but I do think a tech-centered lifestyle has the potential of making you meeker than you’d otherwise be. Fight that comfy impulse!

“You’re cute” is a really great starter compliment for shy folks (like me) because, although it’s bold, it’s not overly committal. It’s not “I have a crush on you” or “I want to date you” or anything that will make you too vulnerable for comfort; it’s just “You’re cute.” Which can be construed as romantic, or not. Go tell those words to a cutie; you’ll feel brave and powerful, and they’ll feel adorable and desirable. Win-win!

3. Consume media that features people you’re attracted to. You probably already do this. I know I do.

Type your actor crush’s name into YouTube or Netflix’s search box and binge-watch as needed. Read another book by that clever genius who lights up your heart and mind. Flick through the Instagram or Tumblr of that internet pseudo-celebrity whose tweets you find so hilarious.

Continually and deliberately fill your life with reasons to feel smitten. ‘Cause that shit feels good.

4. Switch up your soundtrack.

Music + the human brain = true magic. Or the potential for it, anyway. That’s what I think.

Go on Spotify, 8Tracks, Last.FM, or another music-discovery tool of your choice, and do a search for playlists that fit the juicy/sexy/crushy mood you’re trying to generate. Whether you end up listening to cute love songs or intense sexy songs, you’ll feel more in line with yummy romantic energy than you did before you started.

5. Visualize romance, whatever the hell that means to you.

I think visualization is a criminally underrated capability of the human mind. You can literally picture – and, in a way, experience – anything you want. Some spiritual worldviews say that visualizing a particular event can help attract that kind of event into your life – but even if you don’t buy that, it still feels damn good!

My mind wanders a lot so I often find it easier to write down a particular fantasy/daydream and then read it over. The act of committing it to paper helps focus my vision and get me deeper into the feeling I’m trying to create. But if freeform imaginin’ works for you, you can do that too. And wonderfully, you can do it pretty much any time you feel like it. Including while you’re commuting. Or sitting in a boring class. Or lying in bed trying to fall asleep.

If you’re not sure where to start, give these prompts a ponder… If (your crush/love) was with you right now, what would you want them to say to you? How would they look at you? What would that feel like? What’s the absolute best compliment they could give you? If they sent you a love letter, what would you want it to say? If they gave you the perfect kiss, what would that be like? How would they initiate sex with you (or you with them)? What kinds of sounds would they make? Where would they put their hands on your body, and what would that feel like? What kind of cuddler would they be? After sex, what would they whisper or moan or mumble into your ear?

Oh, good gracious. I am already feeling a heck of a lot better about the single life. Excuse me; I’ll be in my bunk.

What do you do to make your life feel sexier and more romantic on a regular basis?