spon

Guest Review: Tantaly Monroe Realistic Sex Doll

Kate Sloan

Note from Kate: I asked a cis male friend of mine to review this sex doll for me, because my partner already has one and doesn’t have enough room in their New York apartment for another one 😂 Here’s what my friend thought about his new doll, in his own words…

I’ve always wondered what it might be like to own a realistic sex doll. But I never bought one because the high-end ones I looked at were pretty expensive, and I was afraid that if I owned one, someone might find it in my home and make fun of me. I wouldn’t want someone to know I spent so much money on that kind of thing!

So imagine my surprise and delight when my friend Kate asked me if I’d be interested in testing and reviewing the Tantaly “Monroe” sex doll… for free! And when I say “doll,” what I really mean is a headless, armless torso with thighs that cut off above the knee. “Monroe” is ostensibly named after Marilyn Monroe due to her elegant hip-to-waist ratio, though I don’t remember Marilyn having G-cup breasts. This thing costs over $900, so I figured it had to be pretty legit.

After following Canada Post’s tracking for over a week, I got a knock on the front door and found a box big enough to hold a dining chair. I don’t know why sex toy reviewers always feel the need to describe their initial unboxing when they’re going to immediately throw the box away, but what the heck, let’s do it anyway: They promised “non-descript packaging,” and wow they weren’t kidding. It was a cardboard box containing a compact styrofoam coffin, inside of which was a nude torso wrapped in plastic. Nothing in the way of presentation or pizzaz, not even so much as a ribbon tied in a bow; only a teeny instruction pamphlet and tampon-like “drying stick” used to dehumidify Monroe’s orifices when not in use.

Once I cut Monroe out of her powder-coated placenta, it was time to pick her up and carry her to the bedroom like some sort of extremely fucked-up “carrying my new bride over the threshold” situation. And, while I know it’s rude to say so, she is HEAVY! 68 pounds of totally dead weight, to be exact (though when she sat on my face it felt more like 69, har har). If you have less-than-average upper body strength, you should really take this into account when considering the purchase of a Monroe. I had to struggle laboriously up the stairs with her draped over my shoulder like a firefighter trying to rescue half of someone. My cat didn’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.

After tossing her onto the bed and catching my breath, I immediately had the urge to eat her ass. In real life, spontaneous ass-eating can be a risky proposition to say the least, but it’s been over a year since I’ve had the opportunity to eat any ass at all, so I dove in and it was a lovely experience. Then I flipped her over, spread her thighs apart ­ ­–which took more than a little bit of effort – and went down on her, fingering her in the process. While doing so, I suddenly thought about how wild it is that I finally have a lover who needs no foreplay and here I am warming her up just for the fuck of it!

Anyway, she was now on her back with her fabulously gravity-defying breasts pointed to the heavens. I gave them a few ham-handed squeezes the way I might have in a teenage wet dream. They felt nice to the touch (and I even licked a nipple which was kind of fun). With that being said, I’ve had a few dozen sexual partners and I feel confident in saying the texture of these boobs doesn’t mimic the feel of any that actually exist, unless there’s some cosmetic surgeon out there stuffing wads of “cyberskin” into patients’ mammary glands.

Now the time had come: I lubed up her vagina and, since it was a bit cold in there, I held my fingers inside for about 30 seconds to transfer some of my body heat. After getting hard, I got into position, slipped in there, and WOW

WHOA

I came extremely fast. To be fair, I was particularly aroused by the anticipation of this experiment, and it probably ratcheted my horniness up even more when I revisited my long-lost pastime of ass-eating, but Monroe’s vagina was far and away the most pleasantly stimulating fake pussy I’d ever been inside. In my lifetime, I’ve owned around 10 various masturbators that purported to mimic a real fuckable orifice and this one takes the cake. And by the cake, I mean the cum. The first time I slid my penis into it, I immediately felt that anxious “oh shit I need to slow down” feeling I often felt in my early sexual experiences. My penis is pretty thick, and I’ve occasionally run into sex toys that are so tailored to a small-to-average penis size that they’re either uncomfortable for me or they begin to wear prematurely, as I’ve found with my otherwise delightful ArcWave Ion. But this hole was neither too tight nor too loose… To mix metaphors, I felt like Goldilocks finding the perfect bowl of porridge to stick my dick into.

As a side note, I enjoy the fact that I can seriously rail this thing like an industrial piston. I’ve never been allowed to ram into a partner’s hole with all my strength. Here, I could do that and it felt amazing both in terms of sensation and raw caveman humpery. So there I was, probably less than a minute after penetration, breathing hard atop a buxom semen-filled effigy.

And that’s when I learned that cleanup is a bit of a process. It’s tempting to skip it directly after coming because you’d rather bliss out and not do an immediate chore. But from what I understand, failing to clean this product, especially after ejaculating inside it, is a quick way to get a nasty situation on your hands. Sadly, this vagina is not self-cleaning and its pH is not self-regulating. But a few squirts with a bulb douche and sort of “scooping” out the cum and lube inside – not unlike some intense G-spot stimulation – gets it reasonably clean. You just have to figure out where the water will go when it inevitably comes back out of there (or else your bed may end up looking like someone’s just experienced an absolutely legendary squirting orgasm!) Once you get as much water and jizz out as you can, you insert the included “drying stick.” By the way, Tantaly sells additional drying sticks as well as other maintenance accessories and even a USB-powered “heating rod” to warm the orifices before use. You’ll want to buy a second drying stick unless you strictly fuck one hole per session. Speaking of maintenance, one inconvenient thing about Monroe is that she must be stored lying down, meaning she’ll take up around 8 square feet of space in your home. In my condo, she lives in a trashbag on the floor of my closet like something you’d see on some nauseating true crime docuseries.

So anyway, that was round one. A few hours later, I remembered “Oh yeah, I have a naked torso on my bed!” and decided to go for round two. This time, it would be doggy style. I once again picked her up and flipped her over, and I have to say, it was not very fun to do so. Tantaly sells similar sex doll torsos that weigh much less, and I found myself wondering if I’d rather try one of them (though it’s possible that their relative lightness could make them feel less realistic). I had a difficult time getting Monroe into a position that felt right for doggy style. While she is highly poseable, her skeletal frame takes a lot of effort to adjust. This is for the best, since she would collapse too easily if her frame were flimsier, but when trying to get her into position, you feel like you’re fighting with rusty levers in some abandoned mad scientist’s lab. It often feels like you’re forcing someone to move against their will, which is slightly distressing if you dwell on it for more than a second. Moving her around on a bed adds the element of mattress bounciness which can make the process even more unwieldy. To successfully pose her in a “doggy style position” requires you to make sure her thighs are both positioned at the exact same angle (otherwise she’ll lean too far to one side)… It’s like trying to get a tripod perfectly level if the tripod’s legs were human legs with rigor mortis! Also, she has no knees, so in any “kneeling” position, her butt is lower to the ground than it would actually be if her legs were complete and intact.

To her credit, when you finally get Monroe into a doggy-style position it’s a truly beautiful thing; her ass is a sight to behold and unlike a real-life situation, it feels okay to stare and truly appreciate what you’re looking at. Unfortunately, after trying rear-entry PIV in a few varying positions, I realized that both the angle and position of her vagina are so optimized for the missionary position that they make full penetration from behind nearly impossible for an average-sized penis. I’m a little longer than 6 inches and I could barely get halfway in from behind. So I decided to grab the lube bottle again and head on down to brown town. Her anal orifice (or “tunnel” as it is called on Tantaly’s website) is anatomically realistic in its shortness, but just like the vagina, it is textured in a way that’s more stimulating than any ass I’ve ever fucked. I enjoyed squeezing her asscheeks as I went in and out – WHOOPS, I came again. This time I lasted a bit longer, but once again, I could see an orgasm on the horizon the moment I started. Mind you, I’m no two-pump chump. The few times in my adult life that I’ve finished really quickly were with particularly petite women whose anatomy made for a lot more friction and grip than usual. But even then, I lasted longer than what felt like 60-90 seconds in this case! As I neared orgasm, I thought “Pull out! Pull out! It’ll make cleanup easier!” but my usual failsafe (fear of an unwanted pregnancy) was absent, so… hey, I got another chance to rehearse the ol’ “douche n’ scoop!” This time I put a towel underneath her to catch the jizzwater.

The next time I fucked her from behind, I experimented with ways to make her position feel more anatomically accurate. At one point, I set her clavicles onto a small piece of luggage and put a small briefcase under her thighs to create the true position her body would be in if she were a real person in that position. In this way, I could squeeze her boobs while fucking her ass from behind. I enjoyed it, but setting it up was quite a production for what was – yet again – a very short ride. I’m honestly considering fucking her with a condom just to last long enough to fully enjoy the experience!

It seems to me that one of the biggest selling points for a toy like this is the realism of something anatomically proportional with a realistic amount of heft. But despite her realistic weight and size, Tantaly hasn’t so much achieved realism as an enhanced fantasy version of realism. The breasts don’t feel like breasts, but it would be hot if breasts felt like that. I don’t think there are any vaginas or rectums with internal “pleasure nubs” but it would feel amazing if there were. Most partners won’t want you to slam into their holes with the full force of your body, but it would be fun if they did. These factors all add up to the heightened “fantasy-realism” of Monroe.

Two more details before I wrap up: It’s worth mentioning that after 7 uses over the course of 10 days, I noticed one small part of her skin (on the outside of her right thigh) looked very slightly damaged, as if its very surface were slightly peeling off. This might portend an unexpectedly quick deterioration of her materials, but it’s possible that something I did unduly caused the damage. Also (get this) if you decide to get rid of Monroe, you cannot ethically throw her in the trash; she’s made of high-quality TPE, so she must be recycled AND she may also be labeled as “bio-waste” due to “personal use.” So enjoy telling your local recycling center how the neighborhood kids must have pulled a prank by leaving her in your blue bin.

But here’s the big question: Is Monroe worth nearly $1,000? That’s hard to say. For the sake of comparison, I happen to have gotten plenty of enjoyment out of a smaller masturbator from Extreme Restraints that looks like a disembodied cross section of buttocks and vulva in a doggy-style position. It doesn’t feel as good as Monroe, and it’s nearly impossible to get into a truly realistic position, but it also retails for only $140, it’s easy to store, and I’ve never felt arm pain the day after using it. On the other hand, let’s consider who would be the perfect candidate for this kind of product: I imagine a lonely, bored, and/or sexually inexperienced guy who also has deep pockets. Maybe he wants a chance to practice with a life-size simulated partner before he starts having real sex. Maybe he’s afraid he’ll finish too quickly and wants to build up stamina. He either has a fair amount of storage space in his home, or he has a place where she can stay permanently. This guy also would ideally have decent upper-body strength. If all of these traits describe you, dear reader, then I think Monroe would be a great purchase.

But for the rest of you, let’s look at the pros and cons:

PROS:

  • Amazingly-textured orifices
  • Exciting proportions for those who love curves
  • Weight & heft add to the realism
  • Seriously, WOW these orifices, just WOW
  • Realistic size can allow realistic sexual positions
  • Useful for stamina training

CONS:

  • Heavy and unwieldy
  • Somewhat difficult to pose
  • Vagina placement prevents deep penetration from behind
  • Inconvenient to store/must be stored flat
  • Requires disciplined maintenance
  • Skin may begin to (slightly) deteriorate after few uses

Keep in mind that Tantaly sells a line of torso dolls with a variety of weights and sizes, so if you’re intrigued by the pros but turned off by some of the cons, you might consider one of their other models. As for the Monroe doll, she’s a partner with a few qualities that are more amazing than I’ve ever experienced, but they come at a steep price and aren’t without some annoying quirks… Hey wait, maybe she IS realistic after all!

Note from Kate: If you want to buy your own Monroe, you can use the code “GJMonroe10” to get 10% off! This post was sponsored, which means we were paid to write a fair and honest review of the product that was sent to my friend.

Review: Sohimi Rose Queen

Kate Sloan

Sometimes, when I talk to my younger sex blogger friends about the way things used to be in this industry, I feel like a cranky old man describing his uphill-both-ways trudge from home to school and back again. You kids don’t know how great you’ve got it, I imagine myself saying (lovingly). Back in my day, a $25 vibrator barely felt like anything at all, and even a $100 vibrator wasn’t guaranteed to get you off. Can you imagine?!

That last part, at least, is still true, and always will be: no toy can guarantee orgasms, because every person’s anatomy and preferences are different. I will say, however, that vibrators in the under-$80 price range used to, pretty consistently, feel like almost nothing to me. Either they’d be so weak that I’d yell “THAT’S IT?!” upon reaching the highest setting, or they’d be so buzzy that my genitals would go fully numb before an orgasm was even visible on the horizon, or (most commonly) both.

That’s not the case anymore. Which is fucking awesome.

The Sohimi Rose Queen, for example, costs only $38 at time of writing. Ten years ago, a vibe at this price point would have made me sigh, roll my eyes, and toss it across the room; this vibe, on the other hand, makes me come.

Apparently rose sex toys are hot right now. When I told my spouse that this Sohimi toy was on my docket, they asked, “Is it the TikTok-famous rose vibrator?” I looked it up, and it’s not – but evidently, other companies are cashing in on the sudden cultural cachet that clit-pleasing roses have accrued. Like the toy that recently blew up in popularity on the ‘Tok (I’m 29, am I allowed to call it that?), this one is a clitoral pressure-wave toy shaped like a lovely rose – but this one has, in addition, another end, which vibrates and can be used to stimulate the clit, G-spot, or pretty much anywhere else you please.

The clit-sucking end is not my favorite, but then, very very few toys in this category of products really do the trick for me. On this one, as with many others, the suction feels too immediately intense and too precisely focused on the very tip of my clit, creating a buzzy effect that tends to be more annoying than arousing. However, as I often do, I’ve tended to use this one positioned on top of my clit and stimulating it through the hood, and that feels much better. It still has a buzzy, insistent quality that just doesn’t excite my clit the way something deeper and thrummier like the Lelo Sila does, though.

Oddly, this is one of the few pressure-wave toys I’ve tried that’s actually noisier when it’s on your clit than when it’s not. I wouldn’t call it loud, exactly, but I’d want to close my door and turn some music on if I was planning to use this toy when anyone else was home.

The other side, the vibrating one, is even louder – it sounds a bit like someone is mowing their lawn in a neighboring yard. But I find it much more stimulating and satisfying. The vibrations sit somewhere in the middle of the buzzy-rumbly spectrum, rumbly enough that my internal clit feels sufficiently stimulated but buzzy enough to give the surface of my skin that “whoa!” sensation that sometimes prompts orgasms. Though these vibrations start at a higher intensity than I’d prefer, they can get me off quickly and consistently, albeit sometimes with the addition of me rubbing the toy against myself in circles to counteract the slight numbness brought on by that buzzy top note.

That numbness, by the way, gets into my fingers, too, when I use this toy. The entire length of this rose vibrator buzzes when the vibrations are on, making it hard to comfortably keep a grip on it. I like using it hands-free for this reason, clamping it between my thighs once it’s positioned where I want it on my clit.

Both ends of the toy offer a few different patterns as well as a few steady speeds. I tend to prefer steady speeds when the sensations are as intense as they are in this toy, because the addition of rhythm to the equation can be overwhelming, but to each their own.

The shaft of the vibrator is flexible enough to be comfortable when used internally (though not necessarily pleasurable – it lacks a G-spot curve or anything else that my vaginal erogenous zones tend to like). But it’s not quite flexible enough for you to use both ends of the toy at once (unless you’re using one and a partner’s using the other, of course!). I don’t much care for using the vibrating end internally; it’s just buzzy enough that it makes my intestines feel mildly weird instead of stimulating any pleasurable zones in there. That said, it is smooth and slim, and could work well for someone who’s just easing their way into penetrative play, or prefers penetration on the skinnier side.

The shape of this toy leads me to believe it could be safely used for anal, because of how it flares out when the “rose” part begins. Just be sure to use a lot of lube, because the silicone is quite draggy.

If you’re looking for an inexpensive toy that can both suck your clit and vibrate your bits (though not at the same time), you could do plenty worse than this rose sex toy by Sohimi. It’s a genuinely powerful dual-usage toy that goes for just $38. But you’ll have to be willing to put up with its quirks, namely its lack of lower settings, its propensity for vibrating the fuck out of your fingers, and its higher-than-ideal noise level. Like any rose, it’s got its thorns – and sometimes the pain is worth enduring for the pleasure of the rose itself.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. You can use the code GIRLY10 to get 10% off your purchase of this product.

Review: Funejoy Clitoral Sucking Egg Vibrator

Kate Sloan

People often tell me they wish they had my job, and I get it – but the truth is, it’s still a job, and a job means work, and work isn’t always fun. Sometimes I pout and groan and mope when I have to test a toy. Sometimes I flop dramatically onto my bed and announce to my spouse, “I don’t WANT to test toys today!!” Sometimes I would simply rather read a book, or play a video game, or write a sad personal essay than put a foreign object of uncertain quality onto my genitals with one hand while taking notes with the other. I know it sounds strange, but it’s true.

I was feeling similarly petulant about toy-testing the day that I first put the Funejoy Clitoral Sucking Egg Vibrator on my clit – and let me tell you, this toy changed my mind fast.

While described primarily as a suction toy, this little egg seems to also incorporate vibration into its design. I’ve tried plenty of toys that paired vibrations and pressure-waves in similar ways, but that pairing feels more seamless in this toy than in any others I’ve tried. The vibration (if indeed it is there) feels immediately way rumblier than what you’ll find on other toys of this type, and profoundly enhances the intense clitoral suction this toy can create.

“Intense” is, in fact, one of the main words I’d use to describe this toy. The suction/vibration combo makes even its lowest setting feel like a mid-range speed on a luxe rechargeable vibe (think Lelo or Jopen). While this will surely be a huge advantage for many users, for me it’s sort of a mixed bag; the “mouth” of this little egg is only really big enough to focus on the tip of my clit, the area that most vehemently dislikes overly intense stimulation. However, as with some other toys like this, I’ve found that it helps immensely to reposition the mouth so it sits on top of my clit, stimulating it through the clitoral hood. This softens the sensation substantially so that I can enjoy the toy’s intensity without tipping over into discomfort or pain. As a bonus, there’s an extra ring of silicone around the mouth that feels lovely on my labia during use.

There are 10 different modes available to you with this toy: 3 steady speeds and 7 patterns. The steady speeds aren’t as spaced-out as I would prefer, striking me instead as basically “high,” “higher,” and “highest.” Some of the patterns are too erratic and inconsistent for me to enjoy them, although they’d work well for intentional teasing, edging, or denial. A few of the patterns are uncomplicatedly pleasurable, though; I especially like the steady pulse modes, because there are almost no breaks between pulses and the pattern feels more like actual oral sex than steady stimulation does (particularly when well-lubed).

The cute egg shape of this toy has its benefits and its drawbacks. It’s aesthetically pleasing, doesn’t really “look like a sex toy,” and fits nicely in my hand. It’s probably too bulky to use while having penetrative sex in missionary position, unless you make some modifications to the position, but that same bulkiness makes it fantastic for hands-free play – just a little pressure from my thighs keeps it exactly where I need it. When using it this way, I can place one fingertip on the gently pointed end of the toy and thereby control its exact angle very precisely – and I don’t know about you, but angle of clitoral suction can make a lot of difference for me in terms of sensation, especially as I get closer to orgasm. This hands-free (or nearly-hands-free) method of using the toy also pairs especially well with cunnilingus fantasies, I find.

While it’s decently quiet while in use, this toy makes a slurpy racket when you’re positioning or repositioning it on your vulva, so it’s likely not the best choice if you need to remain nearly noiseless. That said, I wouldn’t generally expect a toy that costs $25 (!!) to be quiet anyway.

Yes, I did just say that the Funejoy Clitoral Sucking Egg Vibrator costs $25. I think that’s astonishingly reasonable, given that this toy is as powerful as some of my $120-150 vibrators and pressure wave toys, if not moreso. It’s also rechargeable and waterproof, both qualities you don’t tend to see at this price point. The main reason I’m shocked at its low price, though, is that it’s rumbly as hell. Unlike buzzy vibes, this one makes orgasm feel within reach for much of the time that I’m using it, and doesn’t seem to numb me out even after 5+ minutes of use. It makes my legs shake, and makes me feel – regardless of what mood I was in before – that testing sex toys isn’t worth moping about after all.

 

This review was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

When Sex Toy Companies Take Credit for Other Companies’ Designs

Kate Sloan

I feel passionately that plagiarism is indefensible, in the sex toy industry and outside of it. It’s one thing to garner inspiration from someone else’s work, and even to “try on” their style while figuring out what your own style is – heaven knows I’ve done that – but to steal someone’s entire idea, and (even worse) pass it off as your own? Not cool.

I suppose this staunch belief of mine stems in large part from being a creator myself. It sucks to work on something for a long time, fine-tuning the concept and its execution, making sure it’s as good as it can be – and then see that someone else has totally ripped it off. This is especially egregious in cases where the imitator ends up making a ton more money than the originator, as with big companies like Shein stealing from small, indie designers. Too often, this process ends up concentrating cash into the hands of already-wealthy, privileged people, while financially devastating the oppressed and overlooked creators who made the thing in the first place. (Many of the designers Shein has plagiarized are Black women.) I get fucking incensed thinking about it, to be honest.

The latest instance of this that I’ve heard about is a kerfuffle between sex toy companies Osuga and Biird. When the former reached out recently to offer me their flagship toy, the Osuga Cuddly Bird, to review, I got major déjà vu. “Haven’t I already reviewed this?” I wondered, and then realized the toy looked exactly like the Biird Obii, which indeed I had previously reviewed.

I asked the folks at Osuga if the two toys were one and the same, and they replied to tell me this wild story: Biird had offered their services as an overseas distributor for the Cuddly Bird, since Osuga had not gone international yet, and despite Osuga’s explicit instructions that Biird was not to misrepresent themselves as having actually created the toy, they went ahead and did exactly that.

Evidently, Osuga had worked hard on this design. It’s an elegant and simple sex toy with a millennial, Instagram-friendly sensibility. It doesn’t “look like a sex toy,” per se, which I know is an important factor for people who value discretion or aesthetics. It’s such a great design, in fact, that it won a Red Dot Design Award in 2019. The chief designer on the project was Siting Lin, an industrial designer from Shenzhen with an impressive portfolio; it appears that some (or possibly all) of the other designers are Asian women as well (yay, underrepresented groups in tech!). But sometime after Netherlands-based company Biird took over some of the Cuddly Bird’s distribution, they renamed the product the Biird Obii, and began publicly taking credit for the design.

My contact at Osuga told me that when reviews of “Biird toys” started popping up on the internet (including here on my blog, for which I’m genuinely sorry – I should’ve done more research beforehand), they reached out to Biird to ask that they change the product name back to the Cuddly Bird and stop promoting it as if it were their own creation. Biird only half-complied with this request, changing the name back but continuing to claim on their website to this day that they created the toy “after years of research and tinkering.” Enraging!!

I’ve been informed that Osuga recently notified Biird that they are terminating the working relationship between the two companies, understandably. I have to wonder what Biird will do, now that they’re no longer able to take credit for other people’s hard work. Will they launch some new sex toys of their own? Doubtful. In my experience in this industry, “once a plagiarizer, always a plagiarizer.”

If you’re wondering what you can do about this injustice, I would suggest buying an Osuga vibrator directly from them if you’re in the market for one. The toy in question, the Osuga Cuddly Bird, is a great little pressure-wave clitoral stimulator that doubles as a bedside lamp (?!). They also make a toy called the Osuga G-Spa, which pairs clit stimulation with G-spot vibration. If you use the code “girlyjuice,” you can get $40 off your order, which is a great discount on toys that are already reasonably priced for how high-quality and well-designed they are.

Another thing you can do is something I neglected to do before reviewing the toy Biird claimed was theirs: do your research on sex toy companies. Some are ethical, and many are less so – and if that’s a factor that matters to you when shopping for sex toys, it’s best to be informed so you can support the folks doing good work. When painstaking labor and cutting-edge creativity go into the making of a product, I think it’s best to support the people who actually did that work – not the people who thought it was acceptable to coast on others’ success.

 

This post was sponsored by Osuga, but to be perfectly clear: as always, I really do believe everything I wrote in this post. It really does piss me off that someone ripped off their design, and I really do think it’s a fantastic design.

“Are You Really Who You Say You Are?”: On Gatekeeping & Senseless Elitism

Kate Sloan

It’s weird when a thing that’s been a part of your life for a long time suddenly gains mainstream popularity. I remember feeling this way when the Fifty Shades novels and movies went viral, popularizing kink and BDSM among people who previously might have sneered at it or not known it existed at all. It reminded me, oddly enough, of when Pokémon Go became a hit game in 2016 and it instantly seemed as if everyone I knew was obsessed with the same game franchise I used to get bullied for liking when I was 8. Cognitive dissonance, man.

In moments like those, an internal war always erupts between the snobby, snarky part of me that loves to gatekeep, and the more mature and compassionate part of me that just wants everyone to be happy. Like, is it really that big a deal that way more people can recognize a flogger (or a Mewtwo) on sight now than they could a decade ago? Is it actually helping anyone when I roll my eyes at these people and dismiss them as “not real fans” or “not real kinksters,” or is it just enabling me to feel high and mighty, like an indie-rock snob whose old-school fave just hit the Billboard Top 50?

I feel especially conflicted about this when there are smart people making good points on both sides of the argument – as with the debates this past year about the “gentrification of OnlyFans.” Porn performers who’ve made their livings on the site for years are understandably upset that controversial celebrities like Bella Thorne and Caroline Calloway can sweep in at any moment, earning a fortune in a single day, while long-time sex workers still have to struggle against the stigma and logistical hurdles placed in their way by our sex-negative culture. On the other hand, I also understand why so many people during this pandemic went, “Wait, how much money do pornstars make?!” and created an OnlyFans page to help make ends meet during this tough time. Granted, those folks don’t have nearly as much of an economic impact on other sex workers as celebrities do, nor do they have nearly the same amount of institutional power to sway public opinion about sex work, but it can be hard nonetheless to turn off the judgmental, elitist, self-protective voice whispering in my ear about people “jumping on bandwagons.”

I’m not an OnlyFans user, as either a creator or a fan, so I can’t really speak to the politics and ethics of that site and the people on it. But I’ve been thinking about this type of gatekeeping lately because it seems to be coming up in a lot of different areas right now. I recently heard a rumor that a guy I used to know had come out as demisexual, like me, and I found myself reflexively rolling my eyes. “I don’t know if that’s true,” I scoffed derisively. “I knew him for years and he never seemed that demi to me. I think he’s just jumping onto the bandwagon.” But as soon as those words left my mouth, I could hear how horrible they sounded – and how much they actually sounded exactly like my own self-judgments when I came out as demisexual. I know, of course, that not all demisexual people “seem demisexual,” that a person’s sexual behavior doesn’t always match their sexual identity perfectly, that sexual identities can shift over time, and that people have the right to self-identify however they choose. I realized in that moment that I was 100% just projecting my own insecurity and self-doubt onto this guy who hadn’t even done anything wrong, and who is almost certainly just as demisexual as he says he is.

The farther back I peer into my own sexual history, the more of this type of gatekeeping I can remember. I was frequently gatekept when I came out as bisexual at age 15; friends and internet strangers insisted I was actually gay, or actually straight, or would grow out of my identity. My long-time volunteering gig at a queer organization became untenable when a new coordinator was hired and noticeably treated the femme queers (myself included) worse than everyone else, in a way that felt like she low-key didn’t believe we were really queer. Some random person booed me when I kissed my (queer ally) boyfriend at a Pride event, as if they’d never heard of bisexuality.

Thinking about these incidents makes me deeply sad, because each and every one of them was invalidating beyond measure. Queer and trans people are already at higher risk of social ostracization, stigmatization, and suicidality than straight cis people; is it really necessary for us to perpetuate these forces against people in our own communities? Who does it actually help when we boo a bisexual, or insist asexuals have no place at Pride, or tell a newly-out enby that they’re “not trans enough”? Aren’t we just picking up the same weapons that’ve been used on us forever, and turning them on the people who most need our love and acceptance?

Let me be clear: it’s not that I think gatekeeping is never appropriate. Those OnlyFans celebs demonstrably made life harder for sex workers on the site; likewise, I don’t think it’s always appropriate for straight cis allosexual people to be in LGBTQ+ spaces, I don’t think white folks have any right to infiltrate POC-specific events, and I don’t think anti-trans bigots get to call themselves feminists. But these are extreme cases, and most gatekeeping in the queer community seems to target people who it makes no sense to target.

Next time you find yourself thinking, “That person doesn’t seem like they belong here,” or “What a poser,” or “Are they really who they say they are?” maybe you’ll think twice, and instead ask yourself: Does it really help anybody when I gatekeep? Or does it just isolate and invalidate someone who could really use the support of a loving, accepting community?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.