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4 Things to Consider When Choosing a Sex Therapist on lifesexplicit

Kate Sloan
I don’t have a suitable photo to go with this post, so let’s just pretend this is me in my therapist’s waiting room…

Sex therapists are so fucking cool. I would say that they’re “doing the lord’s work,” if I were religiously inclined; instead, I’ll just say that they save lives – because I truly believe that they do.

Sexual shame and sexual trauma are so insidiously evil that they can go unexamined for years, even decades – festering inside, often ruining relationships along the way. Sex therapists help their clients exhume and examine these forces, and hopefully heal from them.

As I’ve told you before, finding the right therapist can be really tricky, especially when you’re queer, trans, kinky, and/or non-monogamous. That’s why I’m so thrilled that there are searchable databases of sex-positive practitioners online now – such as the sponsor of today’s post, lifesexplicit, a hub for sexuality and relationships experts, including coaches, therapists, and educators. Yay!

If you’ve been thinking about hiring a sex therapist, sex coach, or similar, there are a few questions you might want to ask yourself before you start your search, to help clarify what you’re looking for…

 

What do you need help with?

Seems obvious, perhaps – but sometimes our issues can feel so overwhelming that we may not actually have a clear sense of what those issues are. Maybe spend some time journaling, or talking with a friend or partner, about the experiences/thoughts/feelings that have led you to consider sex therapy. Having clear language for your current struggles will be super helpful when you reach out to practitioners.

It’s okay if the scope and focus of your therapy end up changing, down the road. For instance, when I started working with a new therapist in 2020, I thought it was mainly to address issues around polyamory, but the deeper we went, the more it became clear that the roots of my struggles were childhood trauma, codependency, and people-pleasing – so that’s what we ended up working on most. Try just crafting a sentence or two about what you think your issue is, at the moment, to give potential therapists an idea of what sort of help you’re looking for.

(If you’re looking for a fun way to clarify what you struggle with, lifesexplicit has a bunch of quizzes about sexuality on their website that might get your neurons firing. For instance, their “Do I Have a Healthy Attitude Toward Sex & Intimacy?” quiz told me that I probably have issues with sexual insecurity and shame, which is… sadly accurate!)

 

What modalities are you interested in?

You might not know the answer to this, and it’s fine if you don’t – but it could help you narrow down the available options to decide on what type of therapy you’re seeking. You might know, for instance, that cognitive-behavioral therapy has not worked well for you in the past, so maybe you want to explore a more offbeat modality.

Worth noting here: While professionally accredited, board-certified therapists can be great, they are not the only ones who know useful things that can improve your sex life. Some of my most important lessons have been taught to me by relationship coaches, sexological bodyworkers, sex workers, and even tarot readers. I love that lifesexplicit includes conventional psychotherapists as well as polyamory coaches, Tantra teachers, sex educators, breathwork facilitators, and more.

 

What’s a dealbreaker for you?

Choosing a therapist or coach is a deeply personal process, and it’s perfectly okay to have high standards (as long as they aren’t limiting you so much that you’re unable to access care you urgently need!). Spend some time thinking about your must-haves and your dealbreakers, so that you can convey that information (if needed) when communicating with a practitioner you’re considering hiring.

For instance, some people might prefer to work with a therapist who has lived experience in queerness, transness, kink, polyamory, etc., while for others, the practitioner’s firsthand experience may not be as important as the types of clients they have worked with and the knowledge they’ve accrued. Some therapists list this type of information on their profile on sites like lifesexplicit, but if they don’t, you can usually ask them about it in an initial consult call.

 

What would “healing” ideally look like for you, and why do you want to heal?

Before I started trauma therapy, I thought a lot about the symptoms I was experiencing – dissociation, conflict avoidance, intermittent panic, etc. – but hardly gave any thought to what the opposite of those symptoms would be: peace, calm, strength, self-sufficiency.

I’m no therapist (not yet, anyway…), but I imagine it’s helpful for them if you can specify your desired outcome – whether that’s something tangible, like preventing a looming divorce, or something more abstract, like feeling confident. It’s always easier to work toward goals when you know what those goals are, and that’s doubly true when another person is helping you achieve those goals.

But consider, too, why you want to heal. There were times, early in my therapy process, when I felt like I was being dragged kicking and screaming to every session (metaphorically), and like I was only working on my issues because it would make me more palatable to the people in my life. This isn’t a useful attitude to take, though, and it’s certainly not an attitude that encourages growth and healing. I needed to figure out the reasons why I wanted to get better, for me. Other people might enjoy the effects of my healing secondhand, but first and foremost, my healing needed to be something I was doing for myself – and once I figured that out, I could reassure myself whenever it got hard, reminding myself of what, exactly, I was fighting for.

 

This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at lifesexplicit! Check out their quizzes, books, resources, and their database of sex-positive providers if you’re looking for a great sex therapist or other sexual health practitioner to speak to/work with. As always, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

3 Science-Backed Fun Facts About Bisexuals

Kate Sloan
The bi pride flag, designed by Michael Page in 1998

I love bisexuals, and I’m proud to be bi, myself!

Being a sex science nerd, I’ve encountered a lot of information about how bi people have worse mental health outcomes than straights and gays, are often ostracized and disbelieved, etc.

While it’s super important for that type of research to exist, today I felt like highlighting some scientific findings about bi people that are, shall we say, a little more fun. I hereby give you permission to use these as openers the next time you’re flirting with a fellow bi person, whether on a dating app for bisexual people or anywhere else!

 

Bi men sound masc as hell

Australian researchers Morandi et al. published a 2023 study called “BIDAR: Can Listeners Detect if a Man Is Bisexual from His Voice Alone?” in which they played recordings of men’s voices – some gay men, some bi men, and some straight men – to their 70 participants, who then had to guess the sexual orientation of each man and rate how masculine he sounded.

As many bisexuals already know well, stereotyping sucks and “masculinity” is a construct… but I did find it interesting that the bisexual men were “perceived as the most masculine-sounding of all the speakers”! I imagine many people would assume that the straight men would “sound the most masculine,” but that wasn’t the case. (Worth noting here that “sounding masculine” is not the same thing as being masculine, or as self-identifying that way.)

This made me think about a Dan Savage theory I heard years ago, that bi men may be more self-assured than both straight and gay men, because they aren’t as beholden to the restrictive masculinity norms enforced by both straight and gay communities. I’m not sure how true that is, but it’s certainly thought-provoking!

 

Each generation gets more bi

Maybe the kids are alright! According to a 2023 paper called “The Rise of Bisexuality” in the Journal of Sex Research, over 6% of people in the 18-29 age range now identify as bisexual, versus less than 2% of people over the age of 40. Newer research shows even bigger differences: a 2024 PRRI survey found that 7% of millennials and 15% of Gen Z self-identify as bi – versus Gen X’ers, Baby Boomers, and the Silent Generation, of which 2% or fewer identify as bisexual.

These stats are bittersweet, because the likeliest explanation is simply that there’s more widespread knowledge and acceptance of bisexuality now, making it easier for bisexuals to come to terms with their identity and come out (if and when they want to). My hope is that the influx of bi-identifying youth will inspire older generations to finally kick open that closet door.

 

Bi women are the likeliest to use vibrators

Yep, it’s true! The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a study by Herbenick et al. in 2009 which showed that 79% of bi women had used a vibrator, versus 70% of gay women and 50% of straight women. More recently, a 2015 survey by Schick, Herbenick, et al. in the same journal found that bisexual and pansexual women use vibrators at higher rates than women who identify as lesbian, queer, or questioning.

I’m not sure what explains this, exactly. If diverging from the beaten path of heteronormativity makes someone likelier to love sex toys, then theoretically lesbians would be using them at higher rates than bisexuals. But women who have sex with men are the likeliest to “need” sex toys, in that traditional hetero sex doesn’t focus on clitoral stimulation as much as many women need/prefer – so maybe bi women are more open to sex toys because of their queerness, and more likely to actually use them because they’re having PIV more often than lesbians. Either way, it’s an interesting factoid to bust out at your next queer sex party!

 

What are your favorite facts about bisexuals?

 

This post was sponsored by the sex-positive dating app Flure, where you can find lots of bisexuals, among others!

Review: Cupsland Twirl 1.0 adjustable stroker

Kate Sloan
Photos in this post via mb bischoff 💋

What is the Cupsland Twirl 1.0?

The Twirl 1.0 is a stroker, and it’s currently the only product made by Cupsland. (More like Cupland, am I right?!) I’m used to reviewing products from companies with wide catalogues, companies that throw spaghetti at the wall all year long to see what sticks; by contrast, Cupsland has put all of their, uh, cups into one basket. But I kinda respect that choice!

You might assume, from the Twirl’s space-agey aesthetic, that it vibrates or squeezes or, indeed, twirls – but this is actually a non-mechanical stroker, meaning that you have to either move it up and down by hand, or anchor it somewhere (like between your bed’s mattress and boxspring) so you can thrust in and out of it. It has a feature Cupsland calls its “patented three-level twirl,” which allows you to adjust the toy’s tightness while you’re using it, by rotating the cap at the end of the toy to one of three tightness settings.

Cupsland wanted me to put the Twirl to the test, so I asked my spouse if she’d mind sticking her dick in it, for science… Let’s discuss the pros and cons we discovered.

A peek at the toy’s internal texture, via Cupsland

Things we like about the Cupsland Twirl 1.0

  • I really do dig the aesthetic of this toy. I think it’s neat that they went with a hyper-modern, stylized look for the outer casing, and a more humanoid, vulva-esque appearance for the sleeve itself.
  • Further, I think the toy’s outer appearance is juuust different enough from your standard Fleshlight that it might not be immediately recognizable to any onlookers, so it’s a bit more discreet than a lot of other strokers I’ve seen.
  • The internal texture features ridges and nubs, and my partner said that these felt surprisingly similar to the naturally ribbed texture of vaginal walls around their dick during PIV. The texture itself is softer and less intense than those of some other strokers she’s tried (including some Fleshlights); she thinks this makes the Twirl more suitable for longer sessions where you want to draw things out, because the texture feels good but not overstimulating to the point of prompting a premature orgasm.
  • The sleeve gets tighter as you get deeper, which felt good for my partner – although she was only able to enjoy the full depth when she took the sleeve out of the toy’s outer casing, for reasons I’ll explain below.
  • Like more and more strokers being produced these days, this one comes with its own drying rod. It’s made of a super absorbent material; just insert it into the toy after washing it out with soap and water, and the drying rod will soak up the moisture, allowing the toy to dry faster and more hygienically. This makes normally-cumbersome cleaning into a somewhat easier process. The toy can even stand up by itself on the rod while it’s drying.

Things we don’t like about the Cupsland Twirl 1.0

  • Our biggest issue with this toy (so to speak) is that it’s simply too small for my partner’s dick. She’s on the larger side (about 7.3″ length x 1.8″ diameter) and was only able to fit about one-third of her cock into the toy, even on the loosest setting with a ton of lube, and it was too uncomfortably tight to be enjoyable. Even inserting 3 fingers felt tight, though, so I imagine this would affect some people with smaller dicks than my spouse’s as well. At one point, she tried removing the squishy inner sleeve from the hard outer case, and just using the sleeve itself as a stroker; this was much comfier/easier and felt a lot better.
  • While Cupsland’s description of the product claims that adjusting its tightness is “effortless,” my spouse found that it was actually really, really hard. It required all of her strength, and she’s the gal I ask for help when I can’t open a pickle jar/wine bottle/dildo box, so I gather it would be impossible for me to do it, with my chronically sore/weak hands. For this reason, this isn’t a very disability-friendly toy, at least if you plan on adjusting the tightness at all (which you should, since that’s the toy’s main feature).
  • As with many strokers, this one is made of a proprietary material (in this case, something called “NaturSKIN”) which is almost certainly porous. This is generally fine for penile toys, because dicks usually aren’t as prone to irritation/infection as vaginas are – but it does mean that the toy won’t last as long as a silicone stroker would, and will cling onto some amount of bacteria even with thorough cleaning.
  • Speaking of cleaning: it’s annoying with the Twirl, as it is with most strokers. The closed-end design of this one makes it slightly more of a hassle than it would otherwise be, although the inclusion of a drying rod (see above) helps make up for this, as does the fact that the sleeve can be flipped inside-out for cleaning.
  • The toy’s $60 price tag is a bit hard to swallow (so to speak), given that it’s non-mechanical and you can get plenty of great non-mechanical strokers for under $40, including some made of non-porous materials.

Final thoughts

While I think the Cupsland Twirl 1.0 has a really cool design and an interesting internal texture, it was ultimately too tight and difficult to use for my partner and I to really be able to enjoy it. She could reach orgasm from stroking herself with the toy’s sleeve, once it was removed from the outer casing, but the sensations weren’t as intense as those she gets with some other strokers.

However, if your penis is small-to-average, and you want a slick-looking, adjustable stroker with a realistic internal texture, the Twirl 1.0 might be exactly what you’re searching for. Why not take it for a twirl? …uh, I mean, a whirl?

 

[Edited to add, on 10/21/2024:] I have a coupon code you can use at Cupsland! Use code “KATESLOAN” at checkout to get 15% off your order 😘

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, everything I’ve written here is what I honestly think.

Review: Romulus Shop Olympia 10-Speed Wand

Kate Sloan

Oh god. I’m the wand girl now, aren’t I.

This was a fear I professed to my spouse while I was working on my miniseries about the Magic Wand, Making Magic. Some actors worry about getting typecast after a well-reviewed turn as a nerd or a cad; similarly, I was worried about becoming known forever as that gal who loves wand vibes.

But now, having reflected on it more, I kinda think: it’s fine. There are worse legacies I could have.

And I’m not just saying that because the wand girl gets sent a lot of wands, I swear.

 

What is the Romulus Shop Olympia 10-Speed Wand?

Like many sex toy stores I love, Romulus Shop carries a mix of classic, well-known shapes, and wild, out-there designs. Ever wanted to have your G-spot tapped while your clit is getting sucked? They’ve got a toy for that. How about a hairjob from Medusa? They’ve got a toy for that. Glass anal beads? Yep, they’ve got those, too. (I haven’t tried them and can’t personally attest to whether they’re good, but… whoa. Glass anal beads?!?)

However, in this case, I’m reviewing a tamer product: a humble wand. You know ’em, you love ’em; they’re the original muscle-massager-turned-orgasm-implement, and they tend to offer some of the strongest vibrations around. The Olympia is the most classic wand that Romulus Shop carries.

Bendy neck

Things I like about the Olympia Wand

  • To me, the most impressive thing about this wand – especially for its low price point – is that each of its 10 vibration modes has 5 different intensity settings. Usually, on cheap vibrators, you’re lucky if you get 3 different steady vibration intensities plus a handful of patterns – but this wand gives you a steady vibration mode + 9 pattern modes, all of which have 5 different intensity levels to choose from. This gives each pattern way more versatility and makes it likelier for me to actually use patterns, because (for example) I can start with a low, rumbling pulse and work my way up to a high-powered pulse, without needing to interrupt the flow by cycling through other patterns.
  • The lowest intensity has a nice vibration quality; I’d say it’s buzzy but leaning rumbly, and I find that it works well for building arousal. However, as I’ll describe later, I’m less thrilled with the buzziness of the higher intensities. But in terms of sheer power (i.e. vibration strength, rather than vibration quality/pitch), I’d say this one is pretty middle-of-the-road for a wand – decently strong but not wildly so.
  • The wand’s neck is very bendable in all directions, and the vibrations don’t weaken or cut out when the neck gets bent in this way, in my experience (although I’m sure, as with all wands, there is an amount of pressure that would eventually break it).
  • It’s pretty light, compared to other wands of its size. It feels like it’s maybe half the weight of the Magic Wand Rechargeable, if not lighter. There was a time when I would’ve considered this a drawback, since lighter toys can feel insubstantial and low-quality – but now that I live with chronic pain and strength issues in my hands/arms (among other places), it’s actually helpful for me when a toy doesn’t weigh much, because it means I can hold it for longer without getting tired, and can easily maneuver it to different spots around my vulva.
  • At first, I was concerned to see that the toy didn’t come with instructions – but its controls are actually fairly simple. You hold down the power button to turn the toy on or off, and then short-press that same button to cycle through vibration modes. The plus and minus buttons control the vibration intensity.
  • It’s waterproof! Yay! That’s unusual for a full-size wand like this one. Always nice to be able to use a toy in the shower or bath, or even just to be able to wash it in the sink without worrying you’ll ruin it.
  • At the time that I’m writing this, it’s on sale for $31.90 USD (or $46 CAD), which is pretty damn good for a full-size, rechargeable wand vibrator made of non-porous, body-safe materials.
Pictured with some wands you may have heard of

Things I don’t like about the Olympia Wand

  • The biggest problem with this toy is the vibration quality. I genuinely like the lowest of the 5 intensity levels, as I mentioned above, but levels 2 through 5 get progressively buzzier, resulting (for me) in the temporary clitoral desensitization that happens with high-pitched vibrations like these. I can’t get off with buzzy vibes like this unless I either physically move the toy in circles against me the whole time, or rush through the process so I come before most of the desensitization sets in.
  • It’s loud, even for a wand. My Apple Watch measured it at 71 decibels, while the Magic Wand Rechargeable tops out at about 50. With the Olympia, someone standing outside my bedroom door would likely be able to tell I was using a vibrator… although I will say that it gets a bit quieter when it’s pressed against my body and/or used under blankets.
  • Personal pet peeve: when you first turn it on, it always starts at the 3rd intensity level out of 5 – so if, like me, you prefer to work your way up from the lowest speed, you’ll have to manually turn it down every time you turn it on.

Final thoughts

The buzziness and loudness of this wand make it less than ideal for me, so the main reason I’d recommend it to someone is if price was a major factor for them. (It’s a very valid factor!)

So, here are some questions to ask yourself. Are you looking for a super budget-friendly wand? Do you enjoy, or just not particularly mind, buzzy/high-pitched vibrations? Are you okay with your toy being somewhat loud? If you said yes to all three, then I think the Romulus Shop Olympia Wand is worth considering. A wand vibe can be a versatile addition to just about anyone’s toy collection, because of all the many ways it can be used solo or with a partner, and I love that there are body-safe options available under $40, like the Olympia, so that strong vibrations are financially accessible to more people. This wand also has the benefits of being waterproof and very light and easy to wield.

I guess I am the wand girl, because I want everyone to be able to afford a wand if they want one. And to that end, I’m glad the Olympia exists.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write an honest and fair review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Funzze Finger Vibe (& why accessible sex toys are great)

Kate Sloan

More companies should make sex toys that people with disabilities can use, because accessible sex toys are just better – and not only for folks with disabilities, but for everyone. Let me explain.

My spouse once gave a talk about accessibility in software, in which she described the curb cut effect: the phenomenon where features developed to be disability-friendly will end up benefiting a much larger population, too. Think, for example, of how an automatic sliding door can improve accessibility for people who use wheelchairs or mobility scooters, while at the same time, making it easier for able-bodied people to walk through the door if they’re, say, carrying two armloads of groceries, or wheeling their child in a stroller.

By that same token, I’m strongly in favor of more sex toy companies developing products that are accessible to all kinds of people, because we all benefit from those types of design choices, sometimes even in unexpected ways. Let’s talk about one such case, the Funzze Finger Vibe.

What is the Funzze Finger Vibe, and why is its accessible design potentially beneficial for everyone?

Funzze’s got quite a wide catalog of products, but the Finger Vibe caught my eye immediately, because it looked like it would be comfortable for me to hold, even on days when my hands are aching from fibromyalgia. It’s shaped like a fairly standard clitoral vibe, except that it has two little “wings” on the back which allow you to hold the toy between two fingers easily, without needing to apply much pressure to keep the vibe anchored in your hand. This could make this toy potentially much easier to use than standard clit vibes for people who struggle with muscle strength/mobility issues and/or chronic pain in their hands, myself included.

That being said, even if you’re able-bodied and able-handed(!), you can still find value in toys like these. Anyone seeking an “unobtrusive” toy, a toy that lets you forget you’re even using a toy, might consider getting a finger vibe – because once you’re accustomed to how the toy feels in your hand, it can (sometimes) feel like you’re just touching your partner (or yourself) the way you normally would, but with some vibration magically infused into your touch. It can be a much more intuitive and “natural”-feeling way of working some vibration into the mix.

But to sum up the actual specs: the Finger Vibe is a rechargeable, silicone and ABS plastic vibrator with 9 vibration settings.

Things I like about this toy

  • First of all, I feel like I need to mention upfront that it costs THIRTY DOLLARS. That’s a steal for a decent and versatile rechargeable vibe, and I have to keep its price point in mind when assessing it.
  • I really like the design of it, on both visual and tactile levels, from the stylized silicone “wings” that remind me of butterflies, to the shiny plastic heart panel just below them, to the way the toy feels in my hand. It’s comfortable, cute, and cool. My hand never gets tired from holding onto it, and it’s easy on the eyes, too. The wings have enough flexibility that they should be able to fit a broad range of finger sizes, and they’re designed in such a way that I almost never lose my grip on the toy.
  • Specifically, I really like the contoured shape of the part that goes on your clit (or whatever other pinpointed body part you’re aiming this toy at). It’s well-shaped for the purpose and allows me to hit my clit without needing to hold my labia out of the way, as some flatter vibes require.
  • Crucially, the button is placed in a location that actually makes sense. I’ve previously tried a vibe very similar to this one, which had a button in a hard-to-reach location that required me to use my other hand to press it, every single time. With this one, the button is located comfortably within reach of my middle fingertip when I’m holding the toy, but it’s tucked out of the way just enough that I never hit it by accident.
  • It’s waterproof, which is always great. I could see this toy being a fun addition to shower sex, for people who are into that, because the grippy silicone wings would help it stay in place between your fingers. (Funzze’s website describes this toy as giving you “easy, no-slip control, even when wet and frantic.” Now that’s good copy, baby!)

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • The biggest issue, unfortunately, is the motor. It’s buzzy, i.e. the vibrations are higher-pitched and more surface-level than I’d prefer, so I end up feeling a bit numb after a minute or two, and the orgasms are never as satisfying as they would otherwise be. However, stroking the vibe up and down or in circles, as if it were a vibrating fingertip (which is probably the intended way to use it), mitigates these effects to some extent – and I do have to point out here again that this toy costs thirty dollars, so I understand why the motor’s not exactly heavy-duty.
  • While there are 9 vibration settings, only the first 3 of them are steady vibration, and the jumps between them are jarringly wide; the next 6 are patterns, many of which are distractingly erratic. You have to cycle through all 9 settings to get back to the first one, a personal pet peeve of mine.
  • Despite the button’s good placement, I sometimes find it too difficult to press with one finger, which can negate some of the toy’s accessibility at times.
  • It’s a little on the loud side, as buzzy vibrators tend to be, especially on its highest setting.

 

Final thoughts

If they put a deep, rumbly motor in the Funzze Finger Vibe, it would earn an immediate upgrade to the top drawer of my nightstand, and would probably stay there for a very long time. The design of this toy is sleek and thoughtful, and I find it comfortable to use most of the time, which I can’t say for a lot of vibrators.

For all its sexy unobtrusiveness in size, shape, and ergonomics, though, its buzzy motor and notable noise level put a bit of a damper on things.

But for $30, I think the Finger Vibe is a fair deal, and I always love to see more companies making sex toys that are accessible to a wide range of people – accessible not only in terms of disabilities, but also in terms of finances. And to that end, this is a highly heartening little vibrator that I think could add some buzzy pizzazz into a lot of people’s sex lives, without breaking the bank – or their fingers.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.