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Review: Cupsland Twirl 1.0 adjustable stroker

Kate Sloan
Photos in this post via mb bischoff 💋

What is the Cupsland Twirl 1.0?

The Twirl 1.0 is a stroker, and it’s currently the only product made by Cupsland. (More like Cupland, am I right?!) I’m used to reviewing products from companies with wide catalogues, companies that throw spaghetti at the wall all year long to see what sticks; by contrast, Cupsland has put all of their, uh, cups into one basket. But I kinda respect that choice!

You might assume, from the Twirl’s space-agey aesthetic, that it vibrates or squeezes or, indeed, twirls – but this is actually a non-mechanical stroker, meaning that you have to either move it up and down by hand, or anchor it somewhere (like between your bed’s mattress and boxspring) so you can thrust in and out of it. It has a feature Cupsland calls its “patented three-level twirl,” which allows you to adjust the toy’s tightness while you’re using it, by rotating the cap at the end of the toy to one of three tightness settings.

Cupsland wanted me to put the Twirl to the test, so I asked my spouse if she’d mind sticking her dick in it, for science… Let’s discuss the pros and cons we discovered.

A peek at the toy’s internal texture, via Cupsland

Things we like about the Cupsland Twirl 1.0

  • I really do dig the aesthetic of this toy. I think it’s neat that they went with a hyper-modern, stylized look for the outer casing, and a more humanoid, vulva-esque appearance for the sleeve itself.
  • Further, I think the toy’s outer appearance is juuust different enough from your standard Fleshlight that it might not be immediately recognizable to any onlookers, so it’s a bit more discreet than a lot of other strokers I’ve seen.
  • The internal texture features ridges and nubs, and my partner said that these felt surprisingly similar to the naturally ribbed texture of vaginal walls around their dick during PIV. The texture itself is softer and less intense than those of some other strokers she’s tried (including some Fleshlights); she thinks this makes the Twirl more suitable for longer sessions where you want to draw things out, because the texture feels good but not overstimulating to the point of prompting a premature orgasm.
  • The sleeve gets tighter as you get deeper, which felt good for my partner – although she was only able to enjoy the full depth when she took the sleeve out of the toy’s outer casing, for reasons I’ll explain below.
  • Like more and more strokers being produced these days, this one comes with its own drying rod. It’s made of a super absorbent material; just insert it into the toy after washing it out with soap and water, and the drying rod will soak up the moisture, allowing the toy to dry faster and more hygienically. This makes normally-cumbersome cleaning into a somewhat easier process. The toy can even stand up by itself on the rod while it’s drying.

Things we don’t like about the Cupsland Twirl 1.0

  • Our biggest issue with this toy (so to speak) is that it’s simply too small for my partner’s dick. She’s on the larger side (about 7.3″ length x 1.8″ diameter) and was only able to fit about one-third of her cock into the toy, even on the loosest setting with a ton of lube, and it was too uncomfortably tight to be enjoyable. Even inserting 3 fingers felt tight, though, so I imagine this would affect some people with smaller dicks than my spouse’s as well. At one point, she tried removing the squishy inner sleeve from the hard outer case, and just using the sleeve itself as a stroker; this was much comfier/easier and felt a lot better.
  • While Cupsland’s description of the product claims that adjusting its tightness is “effortless,” my spouse found that it was actually really, really hard. It required all of her strength, and she’s the gal I ask for help when I can’t open a pickle jar/wine bottle/dildo box, so I gather it would be impossible for me to do it, with my chronically sore/weak hands. For this reason, this isn’t a very disability-friendly toy, at least if you plan on adjusting the tightness at all (which you should, since that’s the toy’s main feature).
  • As with many strokers, this one is made of a proprietary material (in this case, something called “NaturSKIN”) which is almost certainly porous. This is generally fine for penile toys, because dicks usually aren’t as prone to irritation/infection as vaginas are – but it does mean that the toy won’t last as long as a silicone stroker would, and will cling onto some amount of bacteria even with thorough cleaning.
  • Speaking of cleaning: it’s annoying with the Twirl, as it is with most strokers. The closed-end design of this one makes it slightly more of a hassle than it would otherwise be, although the inclusion of a drying rod (see above) helps make up for this, as does the fact that the sleeve can be flipped inside-out for cleaning.
  • The toy’s $60 price tag is a bit hard to swallow (so to speak), given that it’s non-mechanical and you can get plenty of great non-mechanical strokers for under $40, including some made of non-porous materials.

Final thoughts

While I think the Cupsland Twirl 1.0 has a really cool design and an interesting internal texture, it was ultimately too tight and difficult to use for my partner and I to really be able to enjoy it. She could reach orgasm from stroking herself with the toy’s sleeve, once it was removed from the outer casing, but the sensations weren’t as intense as those she gets with some other strokers.

However, if your penis is small-to-average, and you want a slick-looking, adjustable stroker with a realistic internal texture, the Twirl 1.0 might be exactly what you’re searching for. Why not take it for a twirl? …uh, I mean, a whirl?

 

[Edited to add, on 10/21/2024:] I have a coupon code you can use at Cupsland! Use code “KATESLOAN” at checkout to get 15% off your order 😘

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, everything I’ve written here is what I honestly think.

Review: Romulus Shop Olympia 10-Speed Wand

Kate Sloan

Oh god. I’m the wand girl now, aren’t I.

This was a fear I professed to my spouse while I was working on my miniseries about the Magic Wand, Making Magic. Some actors worry about getting typecast after a well-reviewed turn as a nerd or a cad; similarly, I was worried about becoming known forever as that gal who loves wand vibes.

But now, having reflected on it more, I kinda think: it’s fine. There are worse legacies I could have.

And I’m not just saying that because the wand girl gets sent a lot of wands, I swear.

 

What is the Romulus Shop Olympia 10-Speed Wand?

Like many sex toy stores I love, Romulus Shop carries a mix of classic, well-known shapes, and wild, out-there designs. Ever wanted to have your G-spot tapped while your clit is getting sucked? They’ve got a toy for that. How about a hairjob from Medusa? They’ve got a toy for that. Glass anal beads? Yep, they’ve got those, too. (I haven’t tried them and can’t personally attest to whether they’re good, but… whoa. Glass anal beads?!?)

However, in this case, I’m reviewing a tamer product: a humble wand. You know ’em, you love ’em; they’re the original muscle-massager-turned-orgasm-implement, and they tend to offer some of the strongest vibrations around. The Olympia is the most classic wand that Romulus Shop carries.

Bendy neck

Things I like about the Olympia Wand

  • To me, the most impressive thing about this wand – especially for its low price point – is that each of its 10 vibration modes has 5 different intensity settings. Usually, on cheap vibrators, you’re lucky if you get 3 different steady vibration intensities plus a handful of patterns – but this wand gives you a steady vibration mode + 9 pattern modes, all of which have 5 different intensity levels to choose from. This gives each pattern way more versatility and makes it likelier for me to actually use patterns, because (for example) I can start with a low, rumbling pulse and work my way up to a high-powered pulse, without needing to interrupt the flow by cycling through other patterns.
  • The lowest intensity has a nice vibration quality; I’d say it’s buzzy but leaning rumbly, and I find that it works well for building arousal. However, as I’ll describe later, I’m less thrilled with the buzziness of the higher intensities. But in terms of sheer power (i.e. vibration strength, rather than vibration quality/pitch), I’d say this one is pretty middle-of-the-road for a wand – decently strong but not wildly so.
  • The wand’s neck is very bendable in all directions, and the vibrations don’t weaken or cut out when the neck gets bent in this way, in my experience (although I’m sure, as with all wands, there is an amount of pressure that would eventually break it).
  • It’s pretty light, compared to other wands of its size. It feels like it’s maybe half the weight of the Magic Wand Rechargeable, if not lighter. There was a time when I would’ve considered this a drawback, since lighter toys can feel insubstantial and low-quality – but now that I live with chronic pain and strength issues in my hands/arms (among other places), it’s actually helpful for me when a toy doesn’t weigh much, because it means I can hold it for longer without getting tired, and can easily maneuver it to different spots around my vulva.
  • At first, I was concerned to see that the toy didn’t come with instructions – but its controls are actually fairly simple. You hold down the power button to turn the toy on or off, and then short-press that same button to cycle through vibration modes. The plus and minus buttons control the vibration intensity.
  • It’s waterproof! Yay! That’s unusual for a full-size wand like this one. Always nice to be able to use a toy in the shower or bath, or even just to be able to wash it in the sink without worrying you’ll ruin it.
  • At the time that I’m writing this, it’s on sale for $31.90 USD (or $46 CAD), which is pretty damn good for a full-size, rechargeable wand vibrator made of non-porous, body-safe materials.
Pictured with some wands you may have heard of

Things I don’t like about the Olympia Wand

  • The biggest problem with this toy is the vibration quality. I genuinely like the lowest of the 5 intensity levels, as I mentioned above, but levels 2 through 5 get progressively buzzier, resulting (for me) in the temporary clitoral desensitization that happens with high-pitched vibrations like these. I can’t get off with buzzy vibes like this unless I either physically move the toy in circles against me the whole time, or rush through the process so I come before most of the desensitization sets in.
  • It’s loud, even for a wand. My Apple Watch measured it at 71 decibels, while the Magic Wand Rechargeable tops out at about 50. With the Olympia, someone standing outside my bedroom door would likely be able to tell I was using a vibrator… although I will say that it gets a bit quieter when it’s pressed against my body and/or used under blankets.
  • Personal pet peeve: when you first turn it on, it always starts at the 3rd intensity level out of 5 – so if, like me, you prefer to work your way up from the lowest speed, you’ll have to manually turn it down every time you turn it on.

Final thoughts

The buzziness and loudness of this wand make it less than ideal for me, so the main reason I’d recommend it to someone is if price was a major factor for them. (It’s a very valid factor!)

So, here are some questions to ask yourself. Are you looking for a super budget-friendly wand? Do you enjoy, or just not particularly mind, buzzy/high-pitched vibrations? Are you okay with your toy being somewhat loud? If you said yes to all three, then I think the Romulus Shop Olympia Wand is worth considering. A wand vibe can be a versatile addition to just about anyone’s toy collection, because of all the many ways it can be used solo or with a partner, and I love that there are body-safe options available under $40, like the Olympia, so that strong vibrations are financially accessible to more people. This wand also has the benefits of being waterproof and very light and easy to wield.

I guess I am the wand girl, because I want everyone to be able to afford a wand if they want one. And to that end, I’m glad the Olympia exists.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write an honest and fair review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Funzze Finger Vibe (& why accessible sex toys are great)

Kate Sloan

More companies should make sex toys that people with disabilities can use, because accessible sex toys are just better – and not only for folks with disabilities, but for everyone. Let me explain.

My spouse once gave a talk about accessibility in software, in which she described the curb cut effect: the phenomenon where features developed to be disability-friendly will end up benefiting a much larger population, too. Think, for example, of how an automatic sliding door can improve accessibility for people who use wheelchairs or mobility scooters, while at the same time, making it easier for able-bodied people to walk through the door if they’re, say, carrying two armloads of groceries, or wheeling their child in a stroller.

By that same token, I’m strongly in favor of more sex toy companies developing products that are accessible to all kinds of people, because we all benefit from those types of design choices, sometimes even in unexpected ways. Let’s talk about one such case, the Funzze Finger Vibe.

What is the Funzze Finger Vibe, and why is its accessible design potentially beneficial for everyone?

Funzze’s got quite a wide catalog of products, but the Finger Vibe caught my eye immediately, because it looked like it would be comfortable for me to hold, even on days when my hands are aching from fibromyalgia. It’s shaped like a fairly standard clitoral vibe, except that it has two little “wings” on the back which allow you to hold the toy between two fingers easily, without needing to apply much pressure to keep the vibe anchored in your hand. This could make this toy potentially much easier to use than standard clit vibes for people who struggle with muscle strength/mobility issues and/or chronic pain in their hands, myself included.

That being said, even if you’re able-bodied and able-handed(!), you can still find value in toys like these. Anyone seeking an “unobtrusive” toy, a toy that lets you forget you’re even using a toy, might consider getting a finger vibe – because once you’re accustomed to how the toy feels in your hand, it can (sometimes) feel like you’re just touching your partner (or yourself) the way you normally would, but with some vibration magically infused into your touch. It can be a much more intuitive and “natural”-feeling way of working some vibration into the mix.

But to sum up the actual specs: the Finger Vibe is a rechargeable, silicone and ABS plastic vibrator with 9 vibration settings.

Things I like about this toy

  • First of all, I feel like I need to mention upfront that it costs THIRTY DOLLARS. That’s a steal for a decent and versatile rechargeable vibe, and I have to keep its price point in mind when assessing it.
  • I really like the design of it, on both visual and tactile levels, from the stylized silicone “wings” that remind me of butterflies, to the shiny plastic heart panel just below them, to the way the toy feels in my hand. It’s comfortable, cute, and cool. My hand never gets tired from holding onto it, and it’s easy on the eyes, too. The wings have enough flexibility that they should be able to fit a broad range of finger sizes, and they’re designed in such a way that I almost never lose my grip on the toy.
  • Specifically, I really like the contoured shape of the part that goes on your clit (or whatever other pinpointed body part you’re aiming this toy at). It’s well-shaped for the purpose and allows me to hit my clit without needing to hold my labia out of the way, as some flatter vibes require.
  • Crucially, the button is placed in a location that actually makes sense. I’ve previously tried a vibe very similar to this one, which had a button in a hard-to-reach location that required me to use my other hand to press it, every single time. With this one, the button is located comfortably within reach of my middle fingertip when I’m holding the toy, but it’s tucked out of the way just enough that I never hit it by accident.
  • It’s waterproof, which is always great. I could see this toy being a fun addition to shower sex, for people who are into that, because the grippy silicone wings would help it stay in place between your fingers. (Funzze’s website describes this toy as giving you “easy, no-slip control, even when wet and frantic.” Now that’s good copy, baby!)

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • The biggest issue, unfortunately, is the motor. It’s buzzy, i.e. the vibrations are higher-pitched and more surface-level than I’d prefer, so I end up feeling a bit numb after a minute or two, and the orgasms are never as satisfying as they would otherwise be. However, stroking the vibe up and down or in circles, as if it were a vibrating fingertip (which is probably the intended way to use it), mitigates these effects to some extent – and I do have to point out here again that this toy costs thirty dollars, so I understand why the motor’s not exactly heavy-duty.
  • While there are 9 vibration settings, only the first 3 of them are steady vibration, and the jumps between them are jarringly wide; the next 6 are patterns, many of which are distractingly erratic. You have to cycle through all 9 settings to get back to the first one, a personal pet peeve of mine.
  • Despite the button’s good placement, I sometimes find it too difficult to press with one finger, which can negate some of the toy’s accessibility at times.
  • It’s a little on the loud side, as buzzy vibrators tend to be, especially on its highest setting.

 

Final thoughts

If they put a deep, rumbly motor in the Funzze Finger Vibe, it would earn an immediate upgrade to the top drawer of my nightstand, and would probably stay there for a very long time. The design of this toy is sleek and thoughtful, and I find it comfortable to use most of the time, which I can’t say for a lot of vibrators.

For all its sexy unobtrusiveness in size, shape, and ergonomics, though, its buzzy motor and notable noise level put a bit of a damper on things.

But for $30, I think the Finger Vibe is a fair deal, and I always love to see more companies making sex toys that are accessible to a wide range of people – accessible not only in terms of disabilities, but also in terms of finances. And to that end, this is a highly heartening little vibrator that I think could add some buzzy pizzazz into a lot of people’s sex lives, without breaking the bank – or their fingers.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys “Perfect Penis”

Kate Sloan

Look, if you name your dildo the “Perfect Penis,” I’m gonna be curious about it.

I dig realistic dildos, so I was already intrigued by this one from the name and picture alone. But then I read this, in the product description on the Mr. Hankey’s website (emphasis mine):

The dimensions of our Perfect Penis dildo are tailored using Artificial Intelligence, a unique approach to dildo design in the market. Our A.I.-driven process considers a vast array of studies on preferred penis size, leading to a selection of dildos in various sizes with the ideal balance of length and width — a distinguishing feature that positions us as a cutting-edge leader in realistic dildo manufacturing.

I was confused about this at first, because every study I’ve ever read on penis size preference has indicated that average-ish dimensions tend to be most people’s ideal (which makes sense), and this toy has pretty comically large dimensions by contrast, as is par for the course with Mr. Hankey’s. So I emailed them for clarification, and my contact at the company told me that the small size of the Perfect Penis (6.5″ insertable length, diameter ranging from 1.4″ to 1.6″) was designed based on A.I.-compiled statistical averages of preferred penis dimensions from around the world, and the larger sizes of this toy are scaled-up versions of that.

What with A.I. being such a hot-button issue right now, this seemed like a topically relevant dildo to review 😂 Let’s see whether it lives up to its name…

Customization options & what I chose

The Perfect Penis comes in 4 different sizes, ranging from S to XXL. I already own plenty of realistic dildos in what one might call a “reasonable” size range, so I wanted to go a little “unreasonable” with this one, at least for my own orifices. I went with the medium size, which has an insertable length of 8″ and a diameter ranging from 2″ to 2.25″.

There are 4 different firmness options for this toy, and I decided on the “medium firm” one, because I wanted it to feel comparable to an actual erect dick.

There are also a whopping 25 different color options (including a few skin tones and a bunch of zanier shades), and I chose silver.

There’s also the option to get a Vac-U-Lock-compatible hole in the bottom of the toy, incase you want to use it with fucking machines, etc. that use the Vac-U-Lock system. I omitted that feature on mine because I don’t anticipate using it that way.

Gotta love a balls close-up

Things I like about this toy

  • I was nervous about the size at first, but with proper warm-up, I can handle it and it feels wonderful. I don’t really consider myself a size queen per se – my favorite dildos are spread far and wide across the size spectrum – but I do sometimes crave being filled up, or feel like fantasizing about archetypal big-dicked alpha bros or whatever, and having a truly massive dildo in my collection for those occasions is great. As with many flesh-and-blood dicks, this one is slightly slimmer at the tip than along the rest of the shaft, which makes insertion somewhat easier.
  • The medium firmness is A++. I generally prefer dual-density silicone for realistic dildos, since with those, you get the satisfyingly firm core and the comfortably squishy exterior, but this one is single-density and I think the medium firmness strikes a good balance. It can be a little uncomfortable as my vag stretches open upon first inserting it, but it allows for gratifyingly hard pounding when I’m warmed up enough for that, and having something hard to squeeze around makes my orgasms more intense.
  • Some dicks have a coronal ridge that makes you truly appreciate the genius of nature for designing the coronal ridge at all, and this dildo makes me feel that way too. The ridge is just dreamy, especially in this medium firmness and when doused in lube. It strokes across my whole front vaginal wall and can also provide more targeted G-spot stimulation if I aim it there. (As for A-spot stimulation, this dildo is less adept at that because it’s simply too thick to snuggle up in there, but it can pound that general area, which – given its many other pleasurable features – is good enough for me.)
  • The surface texture all along the toy is hyper-realistic, and stimulating without being overstimulating. If you like super veiny/textured dildos, this one might miss the mark for you because its texture is relatively subtle, but I like that it provides a tiny bit of “drag” against my vaginal walls without being uncomfortable.
  • I love the balls! They’re not just cute; they’re practical, too. This toy’s hefty base makes it much easier to use hands-free, since I can wedge the base of the dildo between my body and the bed and just rock against it while I use a clitoral vibe.
  • Undoubtedly the silliest thing on this list: For months, I have kept this dildo on my desk and used it daily as a stand for my phone. I set the phone upright on the balls and lean it against the shaft. This allows me to see when any texts come in, etc., without the phone constantly falling over from the vibration of every alert, which was an issue I previously had. It can also function as a stand for my iPad mini (see below), e-readers and books, and so on, which is genuinely useful for me as someone who’s frequently referring to various materials when writing. I’m seriously going to keep this toy on my desk and continue using it this way (when I’m not using it, y’know, the other way…) because it’s the perfect addition to a sex writer’s setup 😂

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • Almost anything I could write here would just be a matter of personal preference – it might be too big for some users, too firm, too realistic, etc.; you can decide for yourself if it sounds like it’d be up your alley (so to speak). The only more substantive drawback worth mentioning, IMO, is that this is quite heavy for a silicone dildo, as you might expect from looking at it, and so it’s not always easy for me to thrust it with my sore hands/arms. But, as mentioned, it can be used more-or-less hands-free, so that’s not too much of an issue.
  • Oh yeah, and it might be too heavy to comfortably use in a strap-on. You could give it a shot – the company suggests a 2.5″ O-ring – but I think the balls would become an issue.
Face for scale!

Final thoughts

As an advocate for body-positivity, I try not to use phrases like “perfect penis,” myself – not only because they can make people feel bad about their bodies for not living up to whatever I declare as “perfection,” but also because what is “perfect” for me will not be perfect for you, and vice-versa. Mr. Hankey’s says this right on the product page:

Understandably, some won’t find this to be their Perfect Penis, and if you are this person, please browse our website, as there is bound to be a Perfect Penis for everyone in our shop.

That being said, the Mr. Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis is certainly a beautiful cock, one that would look equally at home on an ancient Greek erotic statue as it would swinging between the legs of a modern-day porn star. It feels fantastic, too, like an over-the-top caricature of penile penetration. Do I always want sensations that intense? Fuck no. Do I want ’em real bad when I do indeed want ’em? Fuck yeah. And the Perfect Penis can deliver.

This is the third Mr. Hankey’s toy I’ve reviewed over the past few months (check out my previous reviews of the Captain’s Hook and Oni) and I’ve been super impressed with all of them. They are high-quality, beautifully designed, and exquisitely customizable. They have a dildo for pretty much any fantasy you can dream up, from getting railed by a sex robot to riding a banana. It’s lovely to see a company delighting in creating such beautiful, pleasurable toys. They may not be “perfect,” but each one is somebody’s version of perfect, and that’s really the important thing.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Your Partner is Allowed to Watch Porn

Kate Sloan
A frame from the movie Infinity Baby, which is not a porn film but does have a premature ejaculation scene starring Kieran Culkin, so there’s that

Every single day on the /r/sex subreddit, people post about their porno woes. Sometimes these relate to their own porn tastes or habits, but often they relate instead to a partner’s viewership of porn.

A common manifestation of this might be something like:

A while ago, I walked in on my partner masturbating to porn. I got really upset, and told them I have a personal boundary that my partners aren’t allowed to watch porn because I find it so upsetting. Then, later, I snooped in their phone and found out they’re still watching porn, even after I told them to stop! Clearly they’re a porn addict who doesn’t love me or respect me. How do I get them to stop?

Even setting aside some of the more glaring issues (like, for the love of all things holy and good, do NOT look through someone’s phone without their permission!), I have a few issues with this type of thinking, and I want to break those down today.

 

1. Your partner is allowed to masturbate.

Period. Full stop.

If you’d prefer a relationship style where your partner is not allowed to masturbate – and, crucially, if that is also what your partner would prefer – then I’d suggest looking into the consensual chastity community, and carefully negotiating the limits of your dynamic, including safewords. Exploring sexual fantasies together can be super fun!

However, outside the realm of consensually-negotiated orgasm-control dynamics, your partner is allowed to masturbate, regardless of how you may feel about it. They have the right to bodily autonomy, as do you, and relationship status has no effect on that inalienable right. If this makes you uncomfortable, point #4 on this list may be especially useful to you.

 

2. Porn is part of masturbation for many people, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that.

Porn boosts arousal, helps engage our brains so we can focus more on pleasure (which can be extra useful when life/the world is stressful), expands our erotic imaginations, and is just simply fun to watch. People who jerk off to porn are no different from people who jerk off to erotica, fantasies, memories, photos of partners/hot celebrities/etc., steamy TV shows like Bridgerton, spicy romance novels, or any other arousal-boosting mental stimulation of any kind. And there are porn categories that stretch far beyond how porn is often depicted and thought about: it’s not all horrific, chauvinistic or unrealistic (besides which, it’s totally possible for a kinky porn scene to embody some or all of these qualities and to have been made with the full, informed consent of everyone involved – Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex series is a good example).

Plus, porn is a really wonderful thing for a lot of people, both on the viewing side of things and on the production side of things. It’s how many kinky people first mentally explore their burgeoning desires; it’s how some trans and non-binary people first see themselves represented as sexy and desirable; it’s a source of income and a creative outlet for many marginalized creators.

As for “porn addiction,” it’s a moralizing, pathologizing term that’s been applied to a wide range of behaviors, ranging from totally normal levels of porn usage to more extreme/compulsive usage. In any case, it’s not really a useful label and also not a true addiction in the clinical sense. I’m not an expert on this side of things, but would recommend you check out Kris Taylor’s work on this subject if you’re curious about it. There are definitely plenty of people who use porn to a compulsive or unhealthy extent – in which case it might be seriously affecting their employment, relationships, mental health, and so on – but I think most accusations of “porn addiction” (even self-inflicted accusations) are largely based on puritanical moralization, not reality.

 

3. Boundaries are rules you set for yourself, not for other people.

You’re the only one whose behavior you can control, so you’re the only one you get to set boundaries for.

Here’s an example of a boundary:

I find it triggering when I find out that a partner of mine has watched porn, so until I’m able to work through that issue, I choose not to date people who watch porn because I find it too destabilizing at the moment. When I find out that someone I am dating watches porn, I respectfully end the relationship.

Here’s an example of something that is not a valid boundary, because it focuses on controlling someone else’s behavior instead of your own:

I find it triggering when I find out that a partner of mine has watched porn, so anyone who is partnered with me is not allowed to watch porn. When I find out my partner has watched porn, I won’t necessarily end the relationship, but I will get angry or upset with them for having violated this rule I set, even if they didn’t agree to it or didn’t even know about it.

Own your boundaries. Understand that boundaries are about you and your actions.

 

4. You will be happier when you work through this shit

This is really the most important point I always try to convey to people who are uncomfortable with their partners’ porn usage. While it’s never made me uncomfortable for my partners to watch porn, there have been some other, totally normal-and-fine things that have sometimes triggered jealousy, anxiety, or insecurity in me when partners do them – and the healing work I’ve done in therapy, in order to work through these issues, has revolutionized not just my romantic relationships, but my entire life. I am a much, much happier and more stable person for it, and my relationships have improved as a result.

I’m definitely not saying that therapy is easy, or that everyone can access it. I really wish everyone could, or everyone who wanted to, anyway. There are methods of self-reflection that may be useful even if therapy is inaccessible for you, like journaling about the roots of your anxieties or even using therapeutic techniques from Internal Family Systems (Jay Earley has a book called Self-Therapy about this).

I’m also not saying that therapy is the solution to all ills in a relationship. If your partner is abusing you, mistreating you, ignoring you, deprioritizing you, etc., you’re allowed to be upset about that, you’re allowed to communicate about it, and you’re always allowed to end the relationship. When I have trouble discerning between a thing I actually should be mad about, and a thing that’s actually totally fine but that I’m mad about because of my own issues, sometimes I’ll ask a friend or another outside observer what they think.

As ever, these are all just my opinions; you can take ’em or leave ’em, ’cause it’s your life. But when I see someone fretting over their partner’s totally normal porn-viewing habits, I see someone who has the potential to be happier someday, if they view that anxiety as a thread to pull, a road to follow to its fraught source. It’s not easy, it’s not fun, but it is freeing as hell. And it means you can watch porn together, which is hot. Seems like a win-win to me.

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.