Author: Kate Sloan

Review: VVD Rider Desire Sex Saddle

Kate Sloan

“Rideable vibrator” is a fun phrase to say out loud. Go ahead, try it!

I don’t often have occasion to say it out loud, because I don’t often review rideable vibes. They tend to be huge, and I live in a tiny apartment in downtown Toronto where space is at a premium!

But once in a blue moon, there will be a rideable vibe intriguing enough that I’ll make an exception… and the VVD Rider Desire Sex Saddle is one of those, not least because it’s quite a bit smaller than its most famous predecessors. Let’s talk about it.

Gratuitous thigh/tattoo shot for scale

What is the VVD Rider Desire Sex Saddle?

VVD, which stands for “Viva Desire,” is a women-led company that currently makes only one product (you guessed it: the Rider Desire). While I’d put it in the same general category as other rideable vibes like the Sybian and Cowgirl, the Rider Desire is much smaller, lighter, cheaper, and easier to set up. It’s also rechargeable rather than plug-in.

Shape-wise, it’s “inspired by the thrill of” horseback riding, in that it’s shaped like a saddle and you can rock back and forth on it, similarly to something like a Liberator Jaz Motion.

The Rider Desire has several functions: there’s a clitoral stimulator (called the “clit tapping” function) near the front for you to grind against, and there’s a “magnetic docking slot” where you can optionally insert one of the three penetrative attachments that comes with the toy. One attachment vibrates, one thrusts, and one “taps” against internal erogenous zones (more on that below). It also has a heating function.

Clit stimulator + magnetic docking port

Things I like about the Rider Desire

  • I appreciate that this toy has a clit stimulator and that it actually feels really good, since clit stimulation often seems to be an afterthought in dual-stimulation toys, despite it being absolutely central to most vulva-havers’ pleasure. The Rider Desire’s “clit tapper” technology reminds me a lot of the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen, which similarly uses a tapping-esque sensation to stimulate the clit; it feels much rumblier, deeper, more impactful, more pleasurable and less numbing than standard vibration. As a matter of personal preference, I also like that it’s more pinpointed/focused here than the blunt-force clit stimulation you get from vibes like the Sybian or Cowgirl.
  • This toy can be controlled either via its included remote control, or via the toy’s own built-in buttons. VVD specifically asked me to talk about the potential kinky usages of this toy, and while it’s not intrinsically a kink toy per se, ceding the remote to your partner would put a lot of power into their hands, and I’m sure they’d enjoy watching you ride the vibe 😈 As for the buttons on the toy itself, I ended up preferring them over the remote, because they’re located right where my hand naturally rests when I’m grinding against the toy – and it took me only a few minutes of use to memorize their shapes and locations, so I could operate the toy without looking at the buttons.
  • I like that the Rider Desire can be used without an attachment if you’re ever in the mood for à la carte clit stimulation (which I frequently am), or if you just want to warm yourself up before moving on to penetration.
  • It’s really, really cool to me that the toy’s 3 attachments aren’t just shaped and sized differently – they actually do different things. This is quite unusual and I imagine it was difficult to program! My favorite attachment by far is the “tapping” one, which has an A-spotty shape and rapidly “taps” against that spot in a way that reminds me of top-notch fingerbanging. There are 13 tapping modes to choose from. My second-favorite is the thrusting attachment, which can be positioned to thrust against my G-spot or my A-spot, depending on how far I insert it; it has 6 different settings (3 steady ones and 3 patterns). The plain ol’ vibration attachment was less exciting to me, because I prefer motion over vibration when it comes to internal sensations, but its vibrations are rumbly and pleasant nonetheless.
  • The pelvic rocking ‘n’ rolling motion that this vibrator encourages is quite natural-feeling and fun, even for me, someone who is used to masturbating while laying down on her back. I think a toy like this would be even more enjoyable for someone who initially learned to masturbate by grinding against things and/or still regularly gets off that way now.
  • The Rider Desire is quite lightweight for a rideable vibrator, at just 4.24 lbs (or “no more than 3 bottles of water,” according to VVD). This has its pros and cons – the main “con” being that it doesn’t stay put as well as a heavier toy while you’re riding it – but for me it’s almost entirely a “pro,” because I physically can’t lug heavy vibrators around very often so this toy’s lightness makes it likelier I’ll actually use it. (Also, incase you were wondering, the toy has a max capacity of 330 lbs, but users tend to distribute some of their weight onto their knees when using a toy like this, so really it could probably be enjoyed by users up to 400 lbs or heavier, I’d imagine.)
  • There are some grippy traction strips on the bottom of the toy to help it stay in place while you’re riding it, which is a thoughtful choice on the part of the designers, although this feature doesn’t always work super great (more on that later).
  • The magnets that anchor the attachments in place are reasonably strong, such that I think you could safely use this toy for anal penetration without fear of an attachment popping off inside you and getting lost up there. (However, it’s designed for vulvovaginal use and works best that way.)
  • This toy is IPX5 splashproof. Normally this would be a “con” for me, because I like to use toys in the bath so I prefer them to be fully waterproof, but it would be kind of impractical to do that with this one, and I appreciate that it’s at least splashproof so I can wash it off in the sink without issue. (The attachments can be detached and washed separately.)
  • The Rider Desire’s $350 price tag will certainly be well out of the range of affordability for many people, but I think it’s a reasonable price for what you get – a sturdily-built vibe with multiple different attachments and functions – especially considering that heavier-duty rideable vibes will set you back $1,000–1,500. (Oh, and I’ve got a discount code for you, which’ll make it a bit cheaper. Check the end of this post for deets!)
From L to R: vibrating attachment, tapping attachment, thrusting attachment, charging cable, remote control

Things I don’t like about the Rider Desire

  • As with all rideable vibrators, I don’t think my body is especially compatible with this toy. I have fibromyalgia, which causes joint pain (among other things), but even before I developed fibro, my knees and hips just never had much flexibility/range of motion, so invariably, sitting astride a toy like this will make all the joints in my lower body start screaming with pain within a few minutes. I found it most comfortable to bend over/lean forward into an almost doggie-style position, as this didn’t require as deep of a knee bend as sitting upright on the toy, so I could sustain it for longer.
  • Unfortunately, I find it difficult to reach orgasm with this toy, because the clit stimulator only has one steady vibration mode. The other 12(!) of its modes are patterns (pulsing, escalating, and so on), which don’t give me as much direct control over what I’m feeling at any given time. The steady mode is the only one where I can guarantee it’ll stay consistent enough to get me off – except, because there’s only one (mid-level) steady speed, invariably I end up wanting more power at some point and have no way to simply turn it up. IMO all vibrators should have, at minimum, 3-5 steady speeds to choose from, especially since the majority of people prefer them over patterns.
  • Naturally, because this toy is rechargeable and not plug-in, you’re not gonna get the sheer power you’d expect from something like a Sybian. I still found it pretty impressively powerful for its size though, and surprisingly rumbly. Applying pressure and rocking back and forth didn’t seem to slow down the thrusting or tapping of the internal attachments, either.
  • Some people might have issues getting the clit stimulator to line up correctly while one of the attachments is inserted, for the same reason that all dual-stim vibes are tricky to get right: different bodies are different. However, I have a fairly wide clit-to-vag distance, and I could still get the clit stimulator to reach my clit without much difficulty; I just had to shimmy around sometimes, tilt the toy at a slightly different angle, etc. to get it positioned where I wanted it.
  • The grippy strips on the bottom of the toy don’t seem to anchor it very well if I’m only using the toy clitorally. I have to physically hold the vibe in place or else it slips ‘n’ slides all over the bed. (Once I’ve got an attachment installed in the toy and inserted inside me, though, the vibe doesn’t tend to move around much.)
  • Some of the attachment functions are loud and shrill-sounding when in use, especially the thrusting one. This tends to be par for the course for self-thrusting toys but is still worth noting.
Tapping attachment/A-spot whisperer

Final thoughts

When I agreed to review this toy from VVD, even though I barely have the space for more behemoth vibrators, it was because I had a feeling that this one might actually be good… and it is! I think the VVD Rider Desire is a thoughtfully-designed toy, ideal for anyone who likes to ride/hump/grind their way to bliss – or anyone who wants a dual-stim toy they can use hands-free, for disability reasons or otherwise.

That being said, I’m not the target audience for a rideable vibe like this one, because it necessitates a physical position that my body just can’t maintain for very long – and I found it challenging to overcome the lack of steady clitoral stimulation settings: the toy’s one steady clit stim setting feels pretty damn good, just not good enough to make me come.

But the tapping and thrusting attachments are so excellent that I’m willing to overlook these issues for an occasional session. I don’t think there’s any other toy in my collection that I can ride up and down on, and grind my clit against, while having my A-spot rhythmically tapped and massaged. It’s certainly the closest a toy’s ever come to replicating the hot moment during cowgirl-position sex where I get so lost in pleasure that I can’t even maintain my rhythm anymore, so my partner is forced to thrust up into me while I tremble atop them… 🤤

Aaaanyway… If any of this sounds good to you, maybe you’ll want to take the VVD Rider Desire for a ride, too. 😉

 

You can use the coupon code KateS20 to get $20 off your Rider Desire at checkout!

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

A Beginner’s Guide to My Favorite Vibrator Ever, the Eroscillator

Kate Sloan

When you’ve been a sex toy reviewer for as long as I have, there’s one question you get asked a lot: “What’s your favorite toy?”

It’s a fair question, not only because one might glean some toy recommendations from the answer, but also because, in order to find my reviews most useful, a reader needs to have some idea of the types of toys I normally like, so they can try to figure out if my tastes are aligned with their own. That’s why, for instance, there’s hearts next to toys I love on my Toybox page, and there’s a section at the end of my About page where I list my absolute faves in some key categories.

But I have to admit: there is one specific toy which I can call my favorite of all time, without reservation. That toy is the Eroscillator.

 

What is the Eroscillator, and why is it my all-time favorite sex toy?

Me and this toy go way back. I wanted it from the moment I heard it discussed on an episode of the Sex is Fun podcast, probably sometime around 2005. In fact, I wanted it so bad that it was one of the very first toys I requested to review when I started this blog in 2012.

I had tried a handful of other vibrators by that point – but even still, I knew, from the very first time I used the Eroscillator, that this one was different. Famously, it doesn’t technically vibrate – it oscillates. To me (and evidently to many other Eroscillator fans), this produces a feeling that is much deeper, more pleasurable, and more satisfying than standard vibration, because of the “rumbliness”/depth of the oscillations.

Needless to say, when a vibrator consistently produces more pleasure and better orgasms than any other, it’s gonna make its way into my regular rotation – and boy howdy, has it! I’m not exaggerating when I say that there has been an Eroscillator in/on my nightstand at all times since I got my first one, which was over 12 years ago. I’ve owned a few of them over the years, always replacing mine immediately when it broke (more on that later), because it’s absolutely integral to my sex life, both solo and partnered. Nothing else makes me come as hard, or as consistently. And since I’m a pretty clit-focused gal, this isn’t just my favorite vibrator ever – it’s my favorite sex toy, period.

Aside from the wildly good orgasms, here are a few other notable benefits of the Eroscillator:

  • For me at least, it doesn’t cause any of the temporary desensitization/numbing that is common with vibrators, especially buzzy/high-pitched ones. This means I can use it for as long as I want and it’ll still feel good. This also makes it easier for me to orgasm again later, if I want to, since my sensitivity has been preserved.
  • Its long and slim shape makes it possible to use during PIV or strap-on sex, even in (a slightly adapted) missionary position.
  • I find its slider-style control panel to be easier and more intuitive to use than traditional buttons.
  • It’s remarkably quiet for a vibrator, especially when it’s actually pressed against your body.
  • Like many other vibes, it can be used on penises! Highly recommend getting someone off by holding the tip of the Eroscillator against their frenulum; it’s a good time.

 

Which Eroscillator is best?

There are two different Eroscillator models:

  • The Eroscillator 2 is the base model. It was the first one I owned, and it served me well for many years. I’d recommend it for people who have never used a vibrator before and/or people who would consider their clitoral sensitivity to be medium-to-high.
  • For those who like a bit more power, there’s the Eroscillator Top Deluxe, my current beloved. It’s a bit pricier, but IMO the extra power is absolutely worth it. Even on days when my sensitivity has been lowered by alcohol, fatigue, recent orgasms/vibrator usage, or other factors, this toy can get me off no problem like 99% of the time. (For that other 1%, I’d probably bust out the Magic Wand.)

Further, when you buy an Eroscillator, you’ll have to decide which attachments you want – there are various combo sets available, some of which come with fewer attachments than others. These attachments can be easily swapped out to give you a variety of sensations, but to be honest, there are only two attachments I ever use:

  • The Ultra Soft Finger Tip is an absolute must-have. (Legendary masturbation coach Betty Dodson agreed with me, if I recall correctly, although I can’t seem to find the video anymore where she said so.) It’s squishy, and softens the oscillations somewhat, so they don’t feel as jarring. I find it easy to maneuver, and its shape gives you a few different sensation options – try using the edge versus the side of it on your clit, for instance. Many Eroscillator combos come with this attachment, but if yours doesn’t, I highly recommend picking one up. It’s effectively the only attachment I use.
  • Literally maybe once every 5 years, I will use the G-Point attachment instead of the Finger Tip one. I only do this when my sensitivity has been so dramatically lowered for some reason that the Finger Tip attachment doesn’t feel stimulating enough.

 

How to use it

If I estimate, conservatively, that I have had an average of 2 orgasms per week with the Eroscillator for the 12 years I’ve owned one, that would mean that I’ve had over 1,200 orgasms with this thing. I may not have quite hit my Malcolm Gladwell 10,000 hours yet, but I’m getting there! So, suffice it to say, I think I’m qualified to advise you on how best to use this toy…

  • Luuuuube: You’ve heard this song before – lube is good, and more lube is better! I notice a big difference in sensation between a lubed vs. unlubed Eroscillator attachment; lubed is way more enjoyable. You’ll probably want to use a thick water-based one like Sutil Rich, because silicone-based lubes are incompatible with Eroscillator attachments. Reapply as needed.
  • Placement: As with any vibrator, I think most people will benefit from starting with gentle, indirect contact, to warm up the genital tissues, before moving on to more direct stimulation. (Check out my post about indirect clit stim techniques for more on that.) When I use my Eroscillator, I often move it around to stimulate my clit from different angles, through the outer or inner labia, etc. until I’m ready to focus the oscillations more directly on my clit.
  • Pressure: One thing you might notice pretty quickly about the Eroscillator is that its oscillations weaken when you apply pressure. It took me some time to get used to this initially, but now, I actually use it to my benefit: the toy has only three speeds, but I can press it harder against my body to make a speed feel weaker, and then gradually lift off the pressure as I want it stronger. It’s more intuitive than it may sound, I swear, although it may take some practice.

 

Quirks but not dealbreakers (for me, anyway)

Look, I’m gonna level with ya – this toy has a lot of drawbacks, as you can already see from the length of the list below! In a way, though, I think it speaks well of the toy that it’s still my very favorite, despite all these flaws… It really is just because it gives me better orgasms than any other toy, and, as with human beings, many sins can be forgiven if you make someone come real hard… 😂

But, okay, yes, let’s talk about the many downsides of the Eroscillator:

  • Some people find that the oscillations just don’t feel strong enough for them. If you know you need/want a lot of power, I’d recommend something like a Magic Wand Rechargeable or a Doxy over the Eroscillator. For reference, I’m somebody who typically sticks to the first and second speeds of the MWR, and I find the Eroscillator Top Deluxe plenty strong enough to get me off.
  • As described above, its oscillations weaken when pressure is applied – and while I’ve learned to work with this quirk, rather than against it, this toy isn’t suitable for someone who loves/needs to apply pressure with their vibrators (unless you’re trying to wean yourself off of doing that for some reason).
  • Since oscillation is somewhat subtler than standard vibration, I find that the Eroscillator’s sensations get drowned out if I try to use a vibrating dildo, insertable vibrator, etc. at the same time. That said, good god does this thing ever feel good paired with a (non-vibrating) dildo. The Eroscillator + Pure Wand combo, in particular, nearly makes me black out every time from the intensity 😂
  • It’s expensive!! The cheapest model, which comes with only one attachment, is $119. If you throw the Finger Tip attachment in your cart as well (which you should), it costs a hard-to-swallow $39.95 on its own, and brings the total up to $159. For those with a larger budget or who crave more power, the stronger model comes with a slew of attachments (including my fave) and will run you $249 all told. Worth noting, perhaps: While I didn’t pay for my first two Eroscillators because they were review units from retailers, I did pay full-price for my third one, because I really do love it that much, and the frequency with which I use it more than justifies the price tag for me. But I get that it’s a pretty huge expenditure for a sex toy.
  • On that note, the reason I’ve owned a few different Eroscillators is that mine have sometimes broken. There’s a plastic “cone” that covers the juncture between the body of the toy and its attachment, and eventually the small piece of plastic inside it that holds it in place will break off somehow, which causes the cone to rattle around loosely during use, and can even make the control panel pop right out. Originally I thought this was unfixable, which is why I bought a whole new Eroscillator; however, the brand now sells replacement cones on their website for $21.95 each, which makes this a much cheaper fix and gives the toy a longer lifespan – better for the environment and your wallet.
  • It’s an electric/plug-in vibe, so it’s not waterproof (obviously) and you do have to stay near-ish to an outlet – although I will say that the cord is 12 feet long, which is way longer than most other vibrator cords and gives you a fair bit of leeway.
  • The attachments are made of porous materials!! That really pisses me off, especially at this price point. The Finger Tip attachment is made of “medical silicone elastomer” and the others are made of TPR. I haven’t personally noticed any ill effects of this (such as irritation or infections), but it does mean that you can’t share your Eroscillator attachments with someone unless you’re prepared to be fluid-bonded with them. The Finger Tip attachment also gets slightly discolored over time, because it’s porous.
  • A lot of people think it is very ugly. (However, I am not one of those people. I’m sure the fact that it’s given me over a thousand orgasms has something to do with that.)

 

Final thoughts

Recently I’ve been using the Magic Wand Rechargeable a lot; it’s my second favorite vibrator, for sure. But when I switched back to my beloved Eroscillator after not using it for a while, the difference between the two sensations was stark.

The Magic Wand can brute-force an orgasm out of me, in a way that sometimes feels like using a flamethrower on a birthday candle. Like: okay, we get it – overkill much?! These orgasms can be almost painful in their intensity, and leave my vulva feeling slightly numb and frazzled for a few minutes as it recovers from the onslaught of pleasure.

But the Eroscillator… Oh, wow. Some creatives say that a good ending to a story or poem or song should be “surprising but inevitable,” and that is how Eroscillator orgasms feel to me. They have a way of building and building and building before bursting into sparkly fireworks of pleasure. They’re so intense and so sudden that they tend to knock the wind out of me (to the point of making me reflexively do Lamaze-type breathing sometimes, to manage/handle the intensity of the sensation), but they’re rarely painful or uncomfortable the way a wand orgasm can be.

I’m talking a lot about orgasms here, so let me be clear that the Eroscillator feels good the whole way through the process – particularly since it doesn’t cause the same numbness other vibrators can, so I get to fully enjoy the sensations throughout any given session. But those orgasms… phew. Might need to go have another one right now…

 

This post was not sponsored; I’m just quite possibly the world’s biggest Eroscillator fangirl. You can get yours at SheVibe!

4 Things to Consider When Choosing a Sex Therapist on lifesexplicit

Kate Sloan
I don’t have a suitable photo to go with this post, so let’s just pretend this is me in my therapist’s waiting room…

Sex therapists are so fucking cool. I would say that they’re “doing the lord’s work,” if I were religiously inclined; instead, I’ll just say that they save lives – because I truly believe that they do.

Sexual shame and sexual trauma are so insidiously evil that they can go unexamined for years, even decades – festering inside, often ruining relationships along the way. Sex therapists help their clients exhume and examine these forces, and hopefully heal from them.

As I’ve told you before, finding the right therapist can be really tricky, especially when you’re queer, trans, kinky, and/or non-monogamous. That’s why I’m so thrilled that there are searchable databases of sex-positive practitioners online now – such as the sponsor of today’s post, lifesexplicit, a hub for sexuality and relationships experts, including coaches, therapists, and educators. Yay!

If you’ve been thinking about hiring a sex therapist, sex coach, or similar, there are a few questions you might want to ask yourself before you start your search, to help clarify what you’re looking for…

 

What do you need help with?

Seems obvious, perhaps – but sometimes our issues can feel so overwhelming that we may not actually have a clear sense of what those issues are. Maybe spend some time journaling, or talking with a friend or partner, about the experiences/thoughts/feelings that have led you to consider sex therapy. Having clear language for your current struggles will be super helpful when you reach out to practitioners.

It’s okay if the scope and focus of your therapy end up changing, down the road. For instance, when I started working with a new therapist in 2020, I thought it was mainly to address issues around polyamory, but the deeper we went, the more it became clear that the roots of my struggles were childhood trauma, codependency, and people-pleasing – so that’s what we ended up working on most. Try just crafting a sentence or two about what you think your issue is, at the moment, to give potential therapists an idea of what sort of help you’re looking for.

(If you’re looking for a fun way to clarify what you struggle with, lifesexplicit has a bunch of quizzes about sexuality on their website that might get your neurons firing. For instance, their “Do I Have a Healthy Attitude Toward Sex & Intimacy?” quiz told me that I probably have issues with sexual insecurity and shame, which is… sadly accurate!)

 

What modalities are you interested in?

You might not know the answer to this, and it’s fine if you don’t – but it could help you narrow down the available options to decide on what type of therapy you’re seeking. You might know, for instance, that cognitive-behavioral therapy has not worked well for you in the past, so maybe you want to explore a more offbeat modality.

Worth noting here: While professionally accredited, board-certified therapists can be great, they are not the only ones who know useful things that can improve your sex life. Some of my most important lessons have been taught to me by relationship coaches, sexological bodyworkers, sex workers, and even tarot readers. I love that lifesexplicit includes conventional psychotherapists as well as polyamory coaches, Tantra teachers, sex educators, breathwork facilitators, and more.

 

What’s a dealbreaker for you?

Choosing a therapist or coach is a deeply personal process, and it’s perfectly okay to have high standards (as long as they aren’t limiting you so much that you’re unable to access care you urgently need!). Spend some time thinking about your must-haves and your dealbreakers, so that you can convey that information (if needed) when communicating with a practitioner you’re considering hiring.

For instance, some people might prefer to work with a therapist who has lived experience in queerness, transness, kink, polyamory, etc., while for others, the practitioner’s firsthand experience may not be as important as the types of clients they have worked with and the knowledge they’ve accrued. Some therapists list this type of information on their profile on sites like lifesexplicit, but if they don’t, you can usually ask them about it in an initial consult call.

 

What would “healing” ideally look like for you, and why do you want to heal?

Before I started trauma therapy, I thought a lot about the symptoms I was experiencing – dissociation, conflict avoidance, intermittent panic, etc. – but hardly gave any thought to what the opposite of those symptoms would be: peace, calm, strength, self-sufficiency.

I’m no therapist (not yet, anyway…), but I imagine it’s helpful for them if you can specify your desired outcome – whether that’s something tangible, like preventing a looming divorce, or something more abstract, like feeling confident. It’s always easier to work toward goals when you know what those goals are, and that’s doubly true when another person is helping you achieve those goals.

But consider, too, why you want to heal. There were times, early in my therapy process, when I felt like I was being dragged kicking and screaming to every session (metaphorically), and like I was only working on my issues because it would make me more palatable to the people in my life. This isn’t a useful attitude to take, though, and it’s certainly not an attitude that encourages growth and healing. I needed to figure out the reasons why I wanted to get better, for me. Other people might enjoy the effects of my healing secondhand, but first and foremost, my healing needed to be something I was doing for myself – and once I figured that out, I could reassure myself whenever it got hard, reminding myself of what, exactly, I was fighting for.

 

This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at lifesexplicit! Check out their quizzes, books, resources, and their database of sex-positive providers if you’re looking for a great sex therapist or other sexual health practitioner to speak to/work with. As always, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

3 Science-Backed Fun Facts About Bisexuals

Kate Sloan
The bi pride flag, designed by Michael Page in 1998

I love bisexuals, and I’m proud to be bi, myself!

Being a sex science nerd, I’ve encountered a lot of information about how bi people have worse mental health outcomes than straights and gays, are often ostracized and disbelieved, etc.

While it’s super important for that type of research to exist, today I felt like highlighting some scientific findings about bi people that are, shall we say, a little more fun. I hereby give you permission to use these as openers the next time you’re flirting with a fellow bi person, whether on a dating app for bisexual people or anywhere else!

 

Bi men sound masc as hell

Australian researchers Morandi et al. published a 2023 study called “BIDAR: Can Listeners Detect if a Man Is Bisexual from His Voice Alone?” in which they played recordings of men’s voices – some gay men, some bi men, and some straight men – to their 70 participants, who then had to guess the sexual orientation of each man and rate how masculine he sounded.

As many bisexuals already know well, stereotyping sucks and “masculinity” is a construct… but I did find it interesting that the bisexual men were “perceived as the most masculine-sounding of all the speakers”! I imagine many people would assume that the straight men would “sound the most masculine,” but that wasn’t the case. (Worth noting here that “sounding masculine” is not the same thing as being masculine, or as self-identifying that way.)

This made me think about a Dan Savage theory I heard years ago, that bi men may be more self-assured than both straight and gay men, because they aren’t as beholden to the restrictive masculinity norms enforced by both straight and gay communities. I’m not sure how true that is, but it’s certainly thought-provoking!

 

Each generation gets more bi

Maybe the kids are alright! According to a 2023 paper called “The Rise of Bisexuality” in the Journal of Sex Research, over 6% of people in the 18-29 age range now identify as bisexual, versus less than 2% of people over the age of 40. Newer research shows even bigger differences: a 2024 PRRI survey found that 7% of millennials and 15% of Gen Z self-identify as bi – versus Gen X’ers, Baby Boomers, and the Silent Generation, of which 2% or fewer identify as bisexual.

These stats are bittersweet, because the likeliest explanation is simply that there’s more widespread knowledge and acceptance of bisexuality now, making it easier for bisexuals to come to terms with their identity and come out (if and when they want to). My hope is that the influx of bi-identifying youth will inspire older generations to finally kick open that closet door.

 

Bi women are the likeliest to use vibrators

Yep, it’s true! The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a study by Herbenick et al. in 2009 which showed that 79% of bi women had used a vibrator, versus 70% of gay women and 50% of straight women. More recently, a 2015 survey by Schick, Herbenick, et al. in the same journal found that bisexual and pansexual women use vibrators at higher rates than women who identify as lesbian, queer, or questioning.

I’m not sure what explains this, exactly. If diverging from the beaten path of heteronormativity makes someone likelier to love sex toys, then theoretically lesbians would be using them at higher rates than bisexuals. But women who have sex with men are the likeliest to “need” sex toys, in that traditional hetero sex doesn’t focus on clitoral stimulation as much as many women need/prefer – so maybe bi women are more open to sex toys because of their queerness, and more likely to actually use them because they’re having PIV more often than lesbians. Either way, it’s an interesting factoid to bust out at your next queer sex party!

 

What are your favorite facts about bisexuals?

 

This post was sponsored by the sex-positive dating app Flure, where you can find lots of bisexuals, among others!

“Echoes of Wisdom” is a Feminist Allegory

Kate Sloan

One of the nice things about having my own blog is that I get to write about whatever the hell I want, and nobody can stop me! And today, I feel like talking to you about video games. One video game in particular, actually: Echoes of Wisdom, the latest addition to the Legend of Zelda series.

I’m no old-school Zelda nerd, having hopped onto this game franchise’s bandwagon with 2017’s Breath of the Wild, the open-world adventure often heralded as one of the best video games of all time. But I’ve become a big enough fan since BotW that I was thrilled when the team announced Echoes of Wisdom – especially since it’s the first main-line Zelda game where you actually get to play as Zelda.

Inevitably, there was Discourse about this choice. I didn’t go looking for it, because I’ve read more than enough “Women ruin everything with wOkE!!1!” tweets to last me a lifetime. Never mind that the series’s usual hero, Link, was specifically designed to be androgynous-looking so that players of all genders could relate to him better – there will always be gamer bros who think diversity and social progress are the enemy, and I’m happy to let them keep playing in their tiny little sandboxes while the rest of the world grows up and moves on.

I follow many Twitch gamer boys who are not insufferable misogynist assholes, however, and I found it delightful to watch their first playthroughs of Echoes. No one said a damn thing about it being weird to play as a girl. Instead, some of them exclaimed, with smiles gleaming and controllers clacking, “It’s so cool that you get to play as Zelda in this one!”

Having played through Echoes myself, I see it as a feminist allegory – and not just because you play as Zelda. I have no idea how intentional this was on the part of the creators, but I do know that this is the first Zelda game to have been directed by a woman, which is telling!

Let me give you a breakdown of some of the things I noticed when playing Echoes through a feminist lens. (Spoilers ahead!)

Your (evil) heroes & protectors

(Content note: brief mention of sexual assault + harassment)

In some of the first plot points of the game, Link – who has rescued Zelda from harm countless times before, and is her literal heaven-sent protector – gets stolen away by an evil entity. Left in his place is a body-snatcher-style copy of Link, who has all of Link’s raw power and battle skill, but none of his warmth and goodness. His eyes, once friendly and kind, glow red with rage now. He may have saved her life a hundred times, but now he wants to end it.

“Dark Link” is one of the first bosses you face in the game, and I found this fight genuinely chilling. It reminded me, viscerally, of all the times a seemingly-trustworthy man has shown me his true colors – whether by sending unsolicited dick pics to my friends, going on a random slut-shaming tirade, or (yup) touching me in ways I hadn’t consented to. It’s deeply unsettling when this happens, and it can and does shake the very foundations of my ability to trust anyone.

Similarly, Zelda’s own father – the king of Hyrule – is also replaced by an evil body-double, who immediately declares Zelda a criminal and has her thrown in jail. All of the men Zelda should be able to trust are working against her at every turn, with hatred in their hearts. Like, damn; what a #relatable #mood.

Resourcefulness as a virtue

The main gameplay mechanic in Echoes is the ability to create, well, echoes – illusory copies of various objects and monsters, which you can use for both combat and puzzle-solving throughout the game. This stands in stark contrast to most Zelda games, where you play as Link and can raze down enemies yourself, with your sword or bow.

Whereas Link’s god-given power is courage, Zelda’s is wisdom (hence the title of this game). I was reminded, while playing, of the Audre Lorde quote about how “the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” While I agree with that brilliant sentiment in matters of real-life inclusion and activism, it’s interesting to see how Zelda literally uses the tools of her oppressors against them throughout this game. She can send a flaming bat flying at Dark Link’s head, or hide in a clay pot to sneak past prison guards, or sic a band of murderous lizards on the jacked centaur trying to unalive her – but only after she’s “learned” these echoes, often from her enemies themselves.

This very much reminds me of what some feminists might call “working within the system” or “playing the game” – like when, for instance, a female employee maintains a sweet smile and pleasant demeanor while strategically talking her male boss into giving her a raise, in such a way that he almost ends up thinking it was his idea, since that may be easier on his ego.

There are major limits to this type of strategy, as the Lorde quote makes clear, albeit in a different context (she was talking about race and intersectionality in feminism). But it makes sense to me that someone like Princess Zelda would be shrewd and crafty in fighting her enemies, especially since she doesn’t wield traditional weapons like Link does, and doesn’t have control over the royal military like her father does.

Power is all but inaccessible

Despite being the widely-renowned princess of the realm, Zelda doesn’t have much power, neither physically nor politically. As I’ve described, throughout the game she mainly fights by summoning echoes of objects and monsters that can do direct damage, since she herself cannot.

Well, actually, there is one way that Zelda can do direct damage without summoning an echo… but it involves transforming into Link. (You know that thing about how disguising yourself as a man can help you get ahead as a woman, because the patriarchy is stupid? Yeah, that’s a thing in video games too.)

There’s a mechanic called “Swordfighter Form” in which Zelda becomes a spectral copy of Link, capable of hurting enemies with his sword, bow, and bombs. But crucially, you can only stay in this mode for maybe 10-20 seconds at a time before your “energy” runs out, and you morph back into Zelda. These short bursts of Link-time are especially helpful in boss battles, but Swordfighter “energy” is rare enough that many players (myself included) don’t end up using this mode in normal gameplay very often.

Some of the Twitch boys I follow were very complimentary of the game overall, but noted that it would’ve been more fun if you could take more direct control over combat, like in a traditional Zelda game. They said it sometimes felt tedious to wait around, dodging enemies and watching your echoes beat them up for you, instead of jumping in and joining the fight.

Me, though? I didn’t find those parts of the game tedious at all – maybe because combat is rarely my favorite part of any game, or maybe because watching echoes kill monsters was fun for me in the same way that watching robots fight goblins was fun in Tears of the Kingdom. But even setting aside the gameplay aspect, I think it makes sense thematically for Zelda to only have limited access to power – because she does. We see at the beginning of the game that even being the fucking Princess of Hyrule can’t protect her from anything – her own father throws her in the clink, making up elaborate lies about crimes she’s committed, and everyone just… believes him. Zelda is forced to become a fugitive in her own kingdom, because her father has real power, while she herself – as a princess and a young woman – does not.

So, while those Twitch fellas’ hearts are in the right place, I couldn’t help but chuckle when they said it was frustrating to be stripped of their power and agency. It’s been frustrating for a hell of a lot of women, too – for centuries, or millennia, before the Zelda series was even a twinkle in Aonuma‘s eye.

“She rescues him right back”

The game begins with Link saving Zelda, and ends with Zelda saving Link. I love this; it’s kind of perfect, and reminded me of the end of Pretty Woman, where Richard Gere climbs Julia Roberts’ fire escape like a gallant prince seeking his princess:

Edward: So what happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her?
Vivian: She rescues him right back.

In Echoes‘ case, some might call it a predictable ending for this Zelda-centric story, and yet it also feels like the only way it could’ve/should’ve ended. And it gestures at one of the biggest lessons I’ve taken away from the feminist movement as a whole: that true progress, safety, and joy are found only through collaboration and interdependence – and that people of all genders need help sometimes, and people of all genders can provide that help. We’re more similar than we are different, and we’re stronger when we acknowledge that.

This isn’t a review of the game, but if it were, I would tell you that it’s fun, engrossing, has cool mechanics and a kickass soundtrack, and encourages creative problem-solving – so, basically, it’s a banger.

But with all of that being said, I think one of the coolest things about Echoes of Wisdom is that it’s a story about womanhood, directed by a woman, in a series where a woman has long been the figurehead and MacGuffin but never the hero. Players have been rescuing poor helpless Zelda for decades; this latest version of her can save her fucking self, something I always wish more women felt empowered to do. But that is why we fight, and that is why we will continue to fight.