Author: Kate Sloan

How to Customize Your First Fantasy Dildo!

Kate Sloan
Pictured: the Nothosaur Graptor, which I’ll be reviewing here within the next month or so!

Fantasy dildos are some of the zaniest toys on the market, boasting wild shapes, bold colors, and (often) extensive mythological lore. Their designs are impressively creative, and perhaps even more impressive is the way you can often customize a fantasy dildo to your particular specifications. Nothing makes me feel quite as fancy as a bespoke dong!

The customization process can be intimidating, though, especially if you’ve never done it before or just haven’t gotten a strong sense yet of your own sex toy preferences yet. So today I’ve partnered with the folks at Juliet Toys, a retailer that carries dozens upon dozens of fantasy dildos, most of which can be customized. Let me walk you through the main considerations when devising your dream dildo…

Shape vs. Fantasy

Before you even get to the customization part, you have to choose which dildo you actually want. The way I see it, there are two main ways to approach this decision: Do you want a dildo with a particular shape, or a dildo that suits a particular fantasy?

For instance, even if canine-inspired dildos don’t do anything for you mentally, you might enjoy the knotted shape for how it stimulates your G-spot or prostate. On the flipside, I’ve occasionally chosen fantasy dildos to review based solely on the intriguing fantasies they inspired in me, like a robot dick or an alien appendage, without caring too much about the shape. In the ideal situation, however, you’d find a dildo which ticks both your boxes, so to speak – one which appeals to you both psychologically and physically. That’s really the hole-y grail.

While we’re talking shape, it’s worth noting that a dildo needs to have a flared-base to be anal-safe. A flared base also makes a dildo harness-compatible, although so can a Vac-U-Lock hole in the base (more on that below).

Image via Juliet Toys

Size

Fantasy dildos tend to run large. To give you a sense of what I mean: I have occasionally been accused of being a size queen in the past, because I enjoy glass and metal dildos up to 2″ in diameter… which is the same width as the knot on the small size of this “Pooch” dildo. For this reason, always check and double-check the measurements of the size option(s) you’re considering, which will generally be listed on the product page.

If you already own a penetrative sex toy of some kind (or many of them, as the case may be!), you can measure them – or check their measurements in their manual or on the brand’s website – to get a sense of what sizes have/haven’t worked well for you before. Another method you could try, if you enjoy being fingered, is to measure your own fingers (or a partner’s) while bunched together into a fingerfucking formation, and compare those to the product’s dimensions. (This is easiest to do with either a tape measure, or a piece of string and a ruler.)

Firmness

Depending on its firmness or “shore,” a silicone dildo can feel like a fully-flaccid dick, or like the hardest erection you’ve ever felt, or anywhere in between. Since this is another hugely subjective consideration, here’s a bunch of rapid-fire questions to help you decide:

  • Are you new to dildos, or to penetration in general? If so, a softer toy may be comfier.
  • Do you know that you’re prone to vaginal/anal irritation or pain? If so, a softer toy may be comfier. (And please use a good water-based lube with it.)
  • Have you chosen a dildo size that’s larger than you’re used to? If so, a softer toy may be comfier.
  • Does the design of your dildo feature any irregular/jagged edges, intense ribbed/dotted/veiny texture, and/or stark and non-gradual changes in diameter along the shaft? If so, a softer toy may be comfier.
  • Do you like being penetrated hard/fast/rough? Then you’d probably prefer a firmer toy, especially if you’re seeking to target the G-spot or prostate.
  • Do you find that your orgasms feel better when you have something to squeeze/clench around? If so, you might prefer a firmer toy.
  • Would you describe yourself as a size queen/king/monarch? If so, you might prefer a firmer toy, because they feel bigger/more filling.
  • Do you plan on using the toy in a strap-on harness? If so, you’ll want it to be firm enough that it can stand up on its own, but not so firm that it could hurt someone if you get a little too zealous (especially if you’re a new/inexperienced strap-on top), so a medium firmness is probably best.
  • What fantasies do you plan on pairing with this dildo, if any, and would they be benefited by a particular firmness option?
Image via Juliet Toys

Color

Sex toy aesthetics are a very personal matter; I can’t tell you how to pick a dildo color any more than I can tell you what color to paint your bedroom, because that all depends on you, baby. However, some questions to ask yourself might include:

  • Do I plan on using this dildo in a strap-on at any point, and if so, do I want it to be close to the skin tone of the person who’ll be wearing it?
  • Do I care if this toy matches/looks good with any of my other toys, or my partners’ other toys (perhaps including a strap-on harness, as mentioned)?
  • Do I care if this toy matches/looks good with my bedroom decor?
  • Do I plan on taking any photos or videos that feature this toy, and if so, what color(s) would work best for the lighting and backdrop etc. that I’m envisioning?
  • Do I want a dark-colored toy to conceal any potentially “embarrassing” substances like menstrual blood or fecal matter, should those situations arise? (These can be easily washed off a silicone toy with soap and water, but some people feel uncomfortable at the thought of these substances being visible at all during sex, in which case darker toys may help, similarly to using black latex gloves for anal fingering.)

One more tip on colors: If you ever see a fantasy dildo that has some solid-color options and some gradient/multicolor options, generally the latter are gonna be prettier, not to mention more unique and eye-catching. I’ve never regretted choosing one over a more uniform colorway. (The purple-to-powder-pink fade on this butt plug, for example? Iconic!) Sometimes these are more expensive than single-color toys, however, so keep an eye on the price.

Base Features

Some fantasy dildos can be customized to have a hole in the base, which is compatible with Vac-U-Lock accessories (sold separately). These accessories include things like harnesses, dildo mounts, fucking machines, handles, and suction-cup bases. Even if you don’t plan on using your toy with any Vac-U-Lock accessories, though, you may still want to consider this customization option, because 1) maybe you’ll change your mind down the road, 2) you can jam a small vibrator into the hole for some extra sensation, and 3) using the hole as a “finger hole” (à la bowling ball) can be a more ergonomic way to grip the toy for some users.

I’ve occasionally seen other base options offered, like a suction cup – which is great if you want to use the toy hands-free – or a hole specifically sized to fit a standard bullet vibe. If you’re offered one of these options and you’re unsure whether to go for it, I’d lean yes, because you can’t really make your own hole in the base of the toy if you change your mind later, but it also won’t be disruptive if you end up never using it.

Cum Tube: Y/N?

Not all fantasy toys offer a cum-tube option, but some do, like the Luna squirting dildo. I think you probably already know in your heart whether a cum tube interests you or not; it’s just one of those things! But if you’re on the fence, consider the tube’s practical benefit as well as its aesthetic ones: It can be useful for adding more lube without having to take the dildo all the way out of you.

The way a cum tube looks during use is generally considered its main selling point, though – so if you, your partner(s), and/or your online audience are fond of the sight of an ejaculating cock, it might be worth checking off the cum-tube option when you place your dildo order. There’s also ovipositor dildos, for those of you who prefer a different sort of ejaculation…

 

Fantasy dildo lovers: Anything I missed here? Any crucial considerations that you’d urge newbies to consider before purchasing?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

In Defense of Sex Dolls (Stigma Be Damned!)

Kate Sloan
Image via this post’s sponsor, Coeros, makers of cool custom sex dolls!

I’ve written quite a few articles about sex dolls and sex robots over the years, so I’ve encountered plenty of anti-sex-doll stigma while researching these products. One common argument, often made by people who are basically well-meaning, goes as follows:

“It’s fine if someone wants to own and use a sex doll, so long as it doesn’t interfere with their ability to form human relationships.”

Today I’m going to go on the record about a hot take of mine: I think it’s fine to use sex dolls even if they do disincentivize you from seeking a relationship – so long as you’re okay with that. Let me explain…

 

Not everyone wants romance or sex!

Yep: asexual and aromantic people might well enjoy a sex doll even if they don’t enjoy dating/fucking actual people. My allo (non-ace/aro) readers may be wondering, “Why would someone want a sex toy, presumably to be used during masturbation, if they’re asexual?!” and the answer is that sexual attraction is different and separate from sexual behavior and sexual desires. For instance, a straight woman might jerk off to lesbian porn sometimes because it focuses primarily on clit stimulation, but that doesn’t negate her heterosexuality – or a gay man might impulsively hook up with a female friend just to ‘try it out,’ and might even have a good time, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s gay.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction – but many ace people still masturbate and/or have sex. And since there’s a high degree of overlap between the asexual and aromantic communities, it’s entirely plausible that some ace and/or aro people might enjoy using sex dolls and other types of sex toys. These products supply sexual pleasure without the requirement of seeking human connection that may or may not be wanted.

There are also people who don’t identify as ace or aro but are celibate for various reasons – perhaps due to trauma or mental health struggles, or perhaps just as a matter of choice – and those folks could get a lot of value out of sex dolls too. If you’ve been in nonconsensual situations before that made you feel very out of control, for instance, I can see how it could be deeply empowering to get yourself a custom sex doll – you have full control over the doll and how you engage with it, which could be less scary and triggering than sex with a human being.

 

You don’t owe the world a cookie-cutter love story!

As queer, trans, kinky, and polyamorous people already know well, the world is full of harmful myths about what constitutes a ‘healthy’ or ‘acceptable’ relationship. There are infinite different ways to structure and label our relationships – so, although you may be drowning in cultural messages to the contrary, you have no obligation to get into a monogamous, long-term romantic relationship, or any other kind of relationship, for that matter. Your life is yours to design!

As disability and anti-fatness advocates often point out, our society mandates health as a moral good, which is why so many people feel justified in shaming fat folks and disabled folks for not ‘working hard enough’ to meet a particular definition of health. This practice is harmful and wrong-headed, not only because health depends on some factors we have no choice over (like disabilities and genetics), but also because no one is morally obligated to be healthy. Health versus illness is a practical consideration, not an ethical one.

Likewise, there’s nothing intrinsically good or bad about being in a relationship, or not being in a relationship – whether temporarily, or for decades at a time! Don’t get me wrong: humans are social creatures, and if someone lacks any meaningful social connection in their life (including friendships), that’s likely not healthy for them, and I would counsel them to join local hobby/interest-based groups to meet people. But romantic and sexual connection are not requirements for a life well-lived, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

 

Ultimately, it’s just a toy

I think what people tend to forget, when they clutch their pearls about sex toys ‘replacing’ human connection, is that these products simply… don’t replace human connection. A sex doll can’t make you laugh, fascinate you in conversation, or make you feel truly loved. Even as A.I. technologies get better, I don’t foresee humanoid robots ever fully overtaking humans as our preferred sexual partners. Real people are fallible, imaginative, imperfect, and human, and that’s why it’s dynamic and exciting to connect with them. I love knowing that a partner chose to touch me in a specific way because of a combination of their own preferences and their knowledge of my preferences – and I find it tough to believe a robot could ever replicate that, in large part because robots cannot experience desire. (Fight me, philosophy majors. No, seriously, feel free to fight me about this in the comments; I’m curious to hear your take!)

If someone truly feels that all of their romantic and sexual needs (to the extent that they have them) are sated by a sex doll, I’m happy for them! We all should be so lucky as to have our needs abundantly met. And if they find, instead, that something is missing and that they want to continue seeking human connection, I’m happy for them too. The more pleasures you pursue and experience, the closer you get to building your ideal life – by which I mean, the life that is ideal for you, specifically. You’re the only one who gets to decide that.

So no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with owning a sex doll, even if it does lead to a change in your romantic and sexual priorities. That’s your choice to make, because it’s your life to live – and if you want to live it hand-in-hand (or dick-in-vag) with a sex doll, more power to you. Just make sure, for fuck’s sake, that you clean it properly after every use.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: BeYourLover Fatima multi-functional detachable toy

Kate Sloan
Please forgive me for all the dust/lint in these photos, I didn’t feel like spending a springtime afternoon hunched over Photoshop 😂

I’ve never seen a toy like the BeYourLover Fatima before. And I’ve been in this business for 13 years (as of last week, in fact!), so that’s really saying something.

In fact, this toy breaks the mold so completely that I need to change up my usual review format, too. This is a multi-functional, detachable toy – it’s practically the Swiss army knife of sex toys! – so I’m going to write about each component of the toy individually, and then about how they all come together in a synergistic symphony. Let’s dive in…

 

One toy, two parts

Picture, if you will, a standard rabbit vibrator – except that the clitoral arm can be detached from the internal arm, so that each component can be used separately if you so desire. That’s the BeYourLover Fatima.

In this case, the clitoral portion of the toy uses pressure-wave technology (à la Womanizer/Satisfyer/Rose toys) rather than vibration. The internal/vaginal part of the toy (which is not anal-safe, FYI) vibrates and also thrusts. (That’s just an overview; more details to come in the sections below.)

Pros of the toy being made up of two detachable parts:

  • When you’re in the mood to, you can use either part of the toy on its own without needing to involve the other one. This is great if, for instance, you like to warm up with some clit stimulation before jumping straight to penetration.
  • That being said, although you can use the toy’s components separately, they are wirelessly connected to one another via Bluetooth, so the clitoral arm can essentially act as a remote control for the internal arm, which makes the toy overall easier to use.
  • Unlike most other dual-stimulation vibrators, this one will fit just about every vulva, regardless of the distance between clit and vaginal opening, because you can always detach the halves from each other.

Cons:

  • The way that the toy’s two parts can be ‘attached’ isn’t particularly secure; I don’t think there’s a magnet or anything else holding it in place, you just kinda jam the clitoral arm into its appointed hole as far as it’ll go and then hope it’ll stay. As you’d expect, it therefore dislodges a fair bit during use, especially when using the toy’s thrusting function – so I mostly ended up holding the clitoral portion in one hand, detached totally from the vaginal arm, which stayed inside me.
  • Naturally, when you’re holding the clitoral arm of the toy in one hand, you lose the ability to use the toy (as a whole) hands-free or one-handed, which sorta defeats the purpose of using a dual-stim toy in the first place.
  • Somewhat egregiously, you have to recharge each part of the toy on its own, as if they were two separate toys. I wish both could be charged at the same time while attached to one another instead.
  • When you turn off one component of the toy, the other component turns off too. You can turn it right back on again if you want to use it on its own, but it’s annoying that this happens at all.

Clit-warming technology

Quick-press the button featuring a thermometer icon on the toy’s clitoral arm and you’ll activate its self-heating function. Supposedly this heats up both the clitoral part and the internal part of the BeYourLover Fatima, although that wasn’t my experience.

Pros:

  • The clitoral heating function works quickly and pretty damn well. It never got too hot for my comfort (supposedly it reaches about 42° Celsius), but felt warm enough to pair well with oral sex fantasies. It was a relaxing sensation, too, like my clit was at a spa!
  • The heating button flashes to let you know when the function is activated, and you can turn it off whenever you reach your desired heat level.

Cons:

  • I wasn’t able to get the vaginal arm to heat up, although it’s supposed to. Only the clitoral heating function worked for me.
  • There doesn’t seem to be an auto-shutoff for the heating function, so theoretically it could overheat if you leave it on for too long, although I didn’t experience that in my testing.

 

Thrusting is a must

The internal arm of the BeYourLover Fatima has a self-thrusting function. It’s only the tip of the toy (2 inches or so) that actually thrusts. There are 2 steady thrusting functions, followed by 5 patterns which are more irregular.

Pros:

  • This thrusting function is unusually quiet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely still audible, but it’s not gratingly loud and mechanical-sounding like many other thrusters.
  • The thrusting feels good and adds to my pleasure, albeit not quite as intensely as I was hoping, for reasons I’ll describe below.

Cons:

  • Two steady speeds is really not enough, especially since the first one is already quite fast. My kingdom for even just one slower speed, so I don’t feel like I’m starting a session with jackhammer-esque speedy pounding. (I’d get back on Tinder if that’s what I wanted!) After the two speeds is a handful of patterns, most of which have too much space between thrusts to be useful as anything more than a frustrating tease.
  • If you try to control the thrusting via the button on the vaginal arm (rather than via the button on the clitoral arm), you have to double-click it every time you want to turn the thrusting function on or change to a different thrusting mode. I kept accidentally either single-clicking it (which engaged vibration instead) or long-pressing it (which turns the entire toy off).
  • I thought this toy was gonna hit my A-spot, but I think its shape and length aren’t quite right for that; it always feels like it’s almost hitting the spot but not quite. Your mileage may vary, since your vag may vary!
  • As with many self-thrusting toys, this one tends to slip out of your vag gradually over time, so you gotta either hold it in place by hand or anchor it there with a pillow or similar between your legs.

…Oh yeah, and it vibrates

The internal arm, that is. I don’t really care about vaginal vibration that much – my internal erogenous zones prefer motion and pressure over vibration – but some people dig it.

Pros:

  • There are 3 steady speeds, which is better than 2. That’s probably the most generous thing I could say here. (There’s also 5 vibration patterns, and as established, I don’t tend to like patterns much.)

Cons:

  • My biggest problem with the BeYourLover Fatima as a whole: If you want to use the thrusting function and the clit-stimulating function at the same time, then you will be forced to also use the vibrating function. There is no way to turn it off, so far as I can tell, without also turning off one or both of the other functions. This is battery-inefficient for those of us who’d rather just feel the thrusting + clit stim, and is particularly frustrating because of my next point:
  • These buzzyish vibrations drown out the subtleties of most other sensations, including the Fatima’s thrusting and especially its delicate pressure-wave clit stim. When I turn up the intensity of the clit portion in hopes of being able to feel it, it turns up the internal vibration too, drowning out the clit stim even more. This is ultimately why the Fatima can’t get me off.
  • The button that controls the toy’s vaginal arm is placed on the very tip of its handle, so I frequently bump it by accident when trying to push the toy deeper, resulting in an unexpected setting change, or sometimes in the toy shutting off altogether. Needless to say, this is irritating and distracting.

 

This thing sucks… your clit

As mentioned, the detachable clitoral arm of the BeYourLover Fatima uses pressure-wave technology, stimulating your clit with rhythmic air-waves. It has 7 modes.

Pros:

  • These pressure waves feel really good! They have a low-pitched ‘rumbliness’ to them that I find much more satisfying than many other air-pulse toys at this price point, which stimulates my clitoral network in super enjoyable ways.
  • The ‘mouth’ of the toy is well-shaped and well-sized, for my clit at least, with a diameter of about 1″. It creates a soft, comfortable seal around my clit when properly lubed, and stimulates more of the clitoral shaft rather than just the tip.
  • All 7 of this clit stimulator’s settings are steady speeds – no patterns to be found here. Hurrah! The gradation from speed to speed is gentle, not jarring.
  • The buttons on the clit stimulator also control the toy’s vaginal arm, if it’s turned on. This is a much easier and more convenient way of cycling through thrusting speeds or vibration speeds without having to move your hand. The buttons are also easy to locate by feel.
  • I like the ergonomic S-shape of this clit stimulator; it’s easy to hold onto and move around as needed. It’s sort of like a sperm-shaped little Satisfyer Penguin.

Cons:

  • Whenever I tried to use the Fatima with its two parts attached to each other, it didn’t maintain suction on my clit very well, because the thrusting action often caused the seal to dislodge. This is a pretty crucial flaw in the toy’s execution. As stated, I tended to use the two components detached from one another instead, for this reason among others.

More than the sum of its parts?

Man, I love when sex toy companies take a big swing, innovation-wise. I’ve never seen another sex toy company attempt anything quite like what BeYourLover has done with the Fatima. But did their gamble pay off?

Overall pros:

  • It is genuinely cool to have a toy that does so many things, and even does some of them well! With all the different configurations in which you could use this toy, it’s like having a few different toys in your arsenal for the price of one. That price, by the way, is currently $69.99, which I think is fair for what you get: a self-heating pressure-wave clit stimulator that acts as a remote control for a vibrating vaginal thruster.
  • The clitoral stimulation the Fatima offers is delightfully rumbly and pleasurable, with a nice variety of 7 speeds to choose from.
  • Being able to use one toy as a remote control for the other is really clever, and makes it so that using this toy feels like an integrated experience even when the parts are detached from one another.
  • It’s IPX7 waterproof! Yay!

Overall cons:

  • The toy’s vibration, which cannot be disengaged while other functions are engaged, drowns out a lot of the pleasure that those functions could otherwise provide. As a result, I was only able to get off with the Fatima if I either used the clit stimulator by itself (so I could actually feel it), or used the thrusting function by itself while using a different vibe on my clit.
  • It makes sense that this toy has a battery life of only about an hour, given its numerous power-hungry functions – but that’s aggravatingly short nonetheless, and one wonders if the toy would have a better battery life if its vibration function was separable from its other functions. It’s also annoying and inconvenient that each component of the toy has to be recharged separately.
  • The way the toy’s two components attach just isn’t secure enough, which results in mishaps like the clit stimulator losing suction or falling off altogether.

The Fatima is a thrillingly unique toy, and I’m sure it’ll make some folks very happy. But as for me, it mostly made me happy insofar as it’s a fascinatingly inventive design that could be an indicator of where sex toy technology is headed. 👀

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Come See Me Do Musical Improv In-Person In Toronto!

Kate Sloan

“What is musical improv, exactly?”

A number of friends have asked me this question over the past few months, as I’ve worked my way through the beginner and advanced musical improv classes at Comedy Bar here in Toronto.

I’m always glad they asked, because I’ve been obsessed with this art form for years, even before I gathered the guts to get involved in it myself. I could yap about it for hours.

our ask-for was “a room in the house”

the suggestion we got was “mud room”

I was given the song title “It’s Too Mud-Roomy”

I sang a soulful solo about divorce and muddy boots 😂

[image or embed]

— Kate Sloan (she/her) (@katesloan.com) April 4, 2025 at 11:43 AM

When they ask about it, I explain to them that this type of musical improv (as opposed to, say, instrumental jazz improv) involves singing songs you make up on the spot, with the help of a musical director who’s playing the piano. Often it’s shortform games you might’ve seen on old episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway, like Hoedown or Irish Drinking Song, in which you make up lyrics as a group to a pre-existing melody.

But other times, we make up the lyrics and the melody simultaneously, and – to quote the musical improvisor Zach Reino – “if that sounds terrifying… thank you!”

It is terrifying, but that’s part of why I love it. You’re surfing the razor’s edge of adrenaline at all times, always trying to land that next line, that next rhyme. And because improv is based on the momentary impulses of our strange brains, sometimes it goes to some zany places.

yay, I can upload longer videos here now, so I can share this:

my solo song from my musical improv show earlier this week!

the suggestion I got was “THE VERY LAST PIZZA”

this show was completely wild for me because I wasn’t nervous at all, which I’m pretty sure has never happened to me in my LIFE

[image or embed]

— Kate Sloan (she/her) (@katesloan.com) March 12, 2025 at 11:03 AM

All this to say, darlings, that this semester I’ve been bumped up to the ‘pro’ musical improv class, and we’re doing a bunch of shows!! And you’re invited, assuming you’re in/near Toronto or can get here!

My class and I will be performing in 8 weekly shows at Comedy Bar’s Danforth location. You can buy tickets at this link for whichever performance(s) you’d like to attend. I’m gonna be in these ones:

  • Sunday, April 27th at 7:30 p.m.
  • Sunday, May 4th at 7:30 p.m.
  • Sunday, May 11th at 7:30 p.m.
  • Sunday, May 18th at 7:30 p.m.
  • Sunday, May 25th at 7:30 p.m.
  • Sunday, June 1st at 7:30 p.m.
  • Sunday, June 8th at 7:30 p.m.
  • Sunday, June 15th at 7:30 p.m.

Incidentally, each of these shows ends with a musical ‘improv jam’ where you can (optionally!) put your name in a hat and get called up to do impromptu improv with a bunch of other cool comedy nerds, myself likely included (depending on post-show energy levels). So if you enjoy the show and it gets you curious about trying musical improv yourself, you can give it a shot immediately, with supportive folks – including (I think) our ultra-talented musical director Jacob Ollivier on the keys!

if I may tempt you further, here is a brief clip from my last musical improv show, of me improvising a blues verse about spaceships & Jeff Bezos 🚀

[image or embed]

— Kate Sloan (she/her) (@katesloan.com) March 4, 2025 at 5:31 PM

It’s so exciting to be doing so much improv performance again; prior to this latest stint, I hadn’t really done improv since high school (which was 14 years ago!!), and getting back into it has reminded me that laughter and joy are more important now than ever… and that when you force yourself to do fun-scary things, it gets easier to do hard-scary things, too.

Hope to see you at Comedy Bar for some unhinged, off-the-cuff musical fun 😘

Behind the Seams: What Does a Queer Femme Wear to Improv Classes & Shows?

Kate Sloan

Over the past 5 months or so, I’ve been getting back into improv, for the first time since high school. (I’m 32, so high school was a while ago now!)

Yep – after literal years of saying I wanted to do so, I’m taking improv classes again. Specifically, musical improv. Making up songs, live on stage, in front of people. Yes, it is as terrifying as it sounds!! And yet it also feels like exactly what I need right now: a place where I go every week to have fun, try stuff out, play. (And it sure helps that my teachers and fellow classmates have been incredible, too.)

I knew I found the improv part intimidating, but until my first day of class, I didn’t realize quite how intimidating a task it was to get dressed for improv. A lot of my super-weirdo queer-femme wardrobe just isn’t suitable for it at all, for reasons I’ll get into this post, as I tell you my 4 rules for improv-wear, which I’ve learned from coaches, teachers, and plain ol’ experience over the years.

For example, the image above is a good demonstration of Rule #1: Solid colors are best.

Have you ever been to a show where one of the performers was wearing an undeniably distinctive shirt – maybe it featured a band’s name, a rude slogan, or a cartoon animal – and you found yourself unable to fully focus on anything else, because the shirt was so distracting? Yeah, that’s really not ideal for improv. You want the audience focused on what you’re saying (or singing!), not what you’re wearing. Even your fellow improvisors can get distracted by what you’re wearing, and it can influence the scenes you end up doing – so to avoid all that, I try to wear clothes with no visible logos/slogans or wild patterns. Just basic solid colors. (Even if they happen to be hot pink.)

What I’m wearing:

• Pink knit hat – Only
• Blue cashmere cardigan – Gap
• Pink modal tank top – Old Navy
• Jeans – Everlane (they will appear again in this post, because, as mentioned, I am a femme and don’t own very many pairs of pants, period 😂)
• Pink leather Doc Martens
• Little pink leather bag – Coach (gift from my wife)

I took this latest round of classes during a bitterly cold Canadian winter, so I became extra aware of the importance of Rule #2: Dress comfortably.

In improv, you’re making split-second decisions based on the most fleeting of impulses. Losing your train of thought mid-sentence (or mid-song) makes you look bad, makes your scene partners look bad, and makes the audience doubt you as a performer – so you gotta wear clothes that aren’t going to distract you in any way.

That means: Nothing itchy, nothing too restrictive, no dangly earrings, nothing where straps might fall down or buttons might burst open, nothing that you think you look bad in… and nothing that fucks with your body temperature to a distracting degree. In my case, we were practicing and performing in spaces that were kept pretty cold – so I wore a sweater and a beanie to class practically every single week, because it sucks to try to sing when your teeth are chattering!

What I’m wearing:

• Green knit beanie – Only
• Blue cashmere sweater – J. Crew
• Jeans – Everlane
• Black leather Doc Martens

Here’s what I wore to my showcase show for the beginner musical improv class, back in December. I was so nervous I thought I might collapse on stage!! (I didn’t.) But you know what I wasn’t nervous about? Slipping and falling. And that’s because I followed Rule #3: Wear footwear you can be agile in.

Don’t get me wrong; there are femme improvisors out there who perform in heels. I’ve seen some of them do it, and I admire the fuck out of their otherworldly tenacity. But for the rest of us mere mortals, if we’re gonna be scramblin’ around the stage, we need to wear shoes made for scramblin’.

You’ll notice, for instance, that in all of these photos, I am wearing either Doc Martens or Converse sneakers. They have grippy bottoms (ooh, great name for a gay bar if you need one!) so I know I won’t slide around on stage. They’re also comfortable enough that I can stand in them for at least a couple of hours without my feet hurting too badly.

What I’m wearing:

• White T-shirt – gift
• Black dress – from when I dressed as Bettie Page for Halloween a few years ago
• Black leggings – H&M
• Black leather Converse Chuck Taylor sneakers
• Apple Watch w/ Hermès band

These pictures are more recent and are from my latest showcase, with the advanced class. (I sang about murderous mountains and the very last pizza, among other things.) The smiley one was taken on stage, right before my first-ever solo musically improvised song. I wasn’t even nervous! Wild stuff! Improv classes are magic!

As I got dressed for this show, I thought about a time when my high school improv coach told us we weren’t allowed to wear skirts or dresses. One of the other queer femmes on the team (there were a lot of us) piped up: “Why not?” Our coach shook his head slowly and said, “I’ve seen some shit.”

No doubt he had. Improv can take you to some weird places, and I’ve definitely seen the occasional errant buttcrack or panty-flash in certain physically active scenes, which is why I believe staunchly in Rule #4: Protect against wardrobe malfunctions.

This is a sex-positive blog, so let me be clear that I have no issue with nudity, or with bodies themselves – if you’re doing an improv set at a swingers’ club or on a nude beach, by all means, wear clothing that will spill off of you at the slightest provocation, or none at all! But most improvisors will want to avoid these sorts of slippages; they are potentially embarrassing, could make the audience feel weird, and are (at the very least) distracting as hell for audience and performers alike. It’s for this reason that I never wear just a dress or skirt to an improv class or show – in this case I wore leggings and a long-sleeved shirt under my dress, and in the summertime I might instead wear a plain bralette and some bike shorts underneath. I really don’t want to be thinking about my tits when I’m improvising, thanks.

What I’m wearing:

• Black long-sleeved shirt – gift from my mama
• Blue floral-print wrap dress – Tommy Bahama; gift from my spouse (originally purchased to wear to her birthday party last December)
• Black leggings – American Eagle
• Black leather Doc Martens
• Yellow bag – Kate Spade

Any other improv people wanna weigh in on femme-improvisor attire in the comments? I’m considering getting a pair of denim overalls next…